Grammatical/Spelling Mistakes and YOU: Just Forget About It, Please.

I don't understand why I am expected to be perfect. I never said I was perfect. Everyone says, or maybe just some, they say "HA! Right there! Lack of perfection!" And I say back, huh? What? And then some... "Some what?" Nothing. Stop fixating on typos, my brain works differently in every way. Usually it does mean lack of education. Usually. Language is all fucked in my brain to some degree, or to a large degree, that's why I said somewhere on the internet, "language barrier." I was a star student at spelling, when I was in school. I was always in the top spelling groups, and spelling was easy for me. Well, now, there is a kerfluffel in the brain, okay. That's all. There are still words that aren't as easy to spell for me as you might think. "Heroine, heroin." Shut up. I have never done heroin, and there was this situation when I was younger... Well, I am the heroine who does drugs, on a subconscious level. I have never done heroin. The difference between those two words isn't easy for me to remember anyway. So... Now, the assignment given ends at constant vigilance, with witches who don't like my Christian worldview, and they do as the see fit here. What terms are WE on? So-so, I guess. Not sure. For the love of God, don't lie about what kind of terms we are on. Sometimes I do know and don't care. I don't care. I only care about a perfect score.

Fish Out of Water Psychology: The Aftermath

It presents a conundrum when the training method used by the other side is Fish Out of Water Psychology. Well, first, you have to survive the experience. Always remember, that was the most excruciatingly strenuous challenge of all time. With the pain-purge-redemption process, I purged my psyche of the "wimp" belief that was presented to me and processed and internalized with the Social Predicament. I survived it, wrote about it artistically on Facebook. And then I was done. The repression process? Clean. Keep in mind, with back to back memory repression, that is strenuous on the psyche (so if you're doing something and the memory gets repressed, stop. It's excruciatingly strenuous on the psyche, an issue that effects my brain and functioning). Then what happens? Well, I keep it to myself for awhile. I told Jason at one point a long time later, thinking I could confide in him. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. That was an issue he was not capable of handling. First, he wants to say, how horrible. And I say no. Why? There was a marked difference after they finished. The wimp belief was turned into a belief in superior strength of self. Then what? Despite what random losers might think... I don't care. That's not the issue, one of them is the issue of Jason. You either let him apply rape sensitivity to the situation, or well, you lose him as a friend. That was the friendship deal breaker there. I didn't want to go through Fish Out of Water Psychology, either. It purged me of the wimp belief, and there is still a wimp complex though. At one point, "But why wasn't the intensity enough already?" NOPE. Not with a firmly held childhood belief planted in my psyche at age nine. Nope. It took... THAT much. Up until Fish Out of Water Psychology, then the wimp belief changed into the strong belief. "Well, I can't do that to myself Rachel. That causes me to disrespect you and women altogether, if I can't hold onto a belief like that was traumatizing, you were horrified, you poor little thing." And then... Well, forget Shinedown. As I have been saying, that's a distasteful joke. That's a distasteful joke, in poor taste, to the people around me who care. I thought the Shinedown joke was funny though, but I have a sick sense of humor now and wow what a horrible predicament for everyone else to think about. Anyway, what else happens after Fish Out of Water Psychology? My mom starts groping me. "But it's over now." Yes, dear. For your information, that's not a made up story (Fish Out of Water Psychology), I didn't mean you could blatantly disrespect me with your hands either. I don't like touching you. Okay? OKAY?! I even bother to give you a hug every night despite the circumstances because there is something sad about that, but God, if you get the wrong idea... Then fuck you, Bev. What else happens after you have experienced Fish Out of Water Psychology? The other thing that happens is Jason gets so fucking pissed off thinking about the situation, it fills him with murderous rage, armed with a black magic weapon. And it requires hatred to complete the spell, so as we say here, we point to Jason and yell "HATE!" And me and my friends laugh, God, oh MY God, like Oh my God, I can't believe Jason doesn't get that my spirit guides are everything to me. What part of that did you not get? You are just Mannequin A. Yeah, I liked you at one point, but I was young. So, to sum up, after you survive Fish Out of Water Psychology, you have to survive the anger and hatred of others who think you lie. And outsiders run in, point at you, "HAHA! You're an evil bitch!" But I know better. And that's what keeps me going. My sky high self-esteem. [Abrupt Ending]

Donald Trump: Whiny, Greedy, and With a Preference for Asinine Situations

Geez, what a shitshow. That guy is never satisfied. Stop draining the fuck out of my chakras, please. Whatever spell THAT is, achieves a chakra drain that leaves me depresssed, low energy, and lying motionless on the bed unable to do anything at all. That's just how Trump likes it, I guess. That guy is never satisfied no matter what. Why does he insist on additional spells? The desired effect, I must say should probably already be considered acheived. Why more? Why dumb non-functional lying on the bed spells? God only knows. After a battle, they laid off. "But he paid us so much money!" Geez, Donald. For the love of God, quit being such a fucking whiner.

"Shinedown": The Band that Shines a Spotlight on a Nobody with Mental Health Problems

What a bunch of retarded sociopaths! And by the way, I am reaching for a spirit word here. There is a word that could be translated as "retarded sociopath," it just means the epitome of piece of shit, in context. While I was unsuspectingly posting on line and experiencing emotional peril and mental breakdown risk, talking to Jason about suicide at the time and commiserating... Simultaneously, The band Shinedown decided to dedicate a whole album called "ATTENTION ATTENTION" to drive an unsuspecting civilian, me no doubt, insane or to suicide, whichever. That's what it would have seemed like at the time, geez. Luckily, I don't fucking listen to fucking Shinedown. I was living in my own little world, with my own "private life." There is a such thing as delusions of reference, you know. Do you know what those are? I would think so. You can fill in the dots from there, and check out the most "brilliant" album of all time. Honestly, I kind of want to avert my eyes from the stupidity of this album, but this is a well-known band who produced an album for everyone in the world. Do other people support this album and this sentiment? God only knows, maybe they think it's about them instead, given the lyrically castrophes presented in the album. Not only that, as I found out and dropped a black magic bomb, or a couple of them, the band decided to try to kill me or do something weird to my aura or something with black magic. On Thanksgiving, of all days. Lucky for me, I was not eating Thanksgiving dinner with family at all on Thanksgiving due to my parents not wanting me over without taking meds. I haven't heard how the roast beef was this year, as a side note. (Normally it's turkey) Causing heart palpitations in one thing, I laughed it off or whatever with the witches who opted out and were handed cash. And shrugged it off and things are fine. What a weird thing to do, Shinedown. Bullying doesn't earn my respect. Why don't you shoot up somewhere instead of you want "that" kind of respect... Kidding. Don't take that seriously, random readers. Bullies! And that is all.

An Introduction to Rachel's Mysticism Adventure

Let's talk about mysticism stuff. It's a thought that occurred to me, at what point did I start doing work on the ego? It was obvious in 2014, that's when it was blatantly obvious. There was an altered state before the spirit guides entered the picture, and at that point it was obvious, this is not a mental illness, it's enlightenment work. And that's one thing. The first mysticism state in 2006, which was lovely in itself, served as a beautiful introduction. What work was done? We introduced global warming, an incest situation which served as an exercise in being open-minded, a jolting realization, this was the part that was jolting, hey, something's up in your life Rachel, and it's important, mixed with the reason. There was the classic erotomania, paranoid (barely but no one asked questions) element, and yes the grandiosity of the classic Jesus was me delusion. Mixed with Kundalini which presented the idea of strange ass deluded and compromised reasoning. Kaching! All in a bucket, I'd say. It was a grandiose romp that seemed unearned, in essence. Why was Rachel so special? That's why I say, unearned. As you move right along... past the stuff that happened subsequently... The people seemed strawmanny and hokey. No one was the epitome of anything though, even at the beginning. The thing I wanted to point out, I stated it somewhere and I restate, you would never point to someone and label them the epitome of anything. Good or bad. No one is horrible, and no one is perfect either. Until now, of course, "Well Jesus was perfect" and you say that and call it a day. Perfect isn't a real thing anyway, what does perfect look like? "Well if you were perfect, you would act exactly like this and no other way..." What is a sin? Something that annoys God, and thus creates distance. We can say, Jesus never annoyed God, and call it a day there too. You know, "sin" isn't as constant as Christians seem to think, is my understanding of the situation. Christians are always like, wow I just sin and sin... I can't stop sinning... Not everything is a sin you might think. God made simple blanket statements in the Bible. We can remember Tupac, and others maybe, and understand that God understands you. Does every lie, drug you've tried, sexual thought (geez I hope not), whatever else, piss off God? It depends. You would need to assess the situation and understand that in general, when it comes to some people who think that we are just plain old "sinners," God cuts you a little bit more slack than you might be thinking. There's that kind of Christian, and the Christian who goes... Well Jesus covered me. And you wonder... What did Jesus say again? Well, somewhere it says this, and in another place, gnashing of teeth. Well, gnashing of teeth means... Your jaw is moving a litte, there is some sort of gnashing of teeth at some point in existence or life. And that's that. Hey, I went off on a tangent in this post. I hope you enjoyed!

Jason Gives Emily Her "Dream"

The beginning of this story starts about a year ago. One thing that happened around this time, Jason mentioned to Emily that Rachel checks the Roger Hannibal account everytime she is unfriended. This was NOT true. Actually, I assumed Jason wouldn't unfriend me again. So this time, they laughed about how the reaction to another unfriending would be immediate. And unfriended me again, Emily thought she would get a good laugh and ended up getting hurt instead. No, the reaction was not immediate, Subbie decided to check several days later and saw that Roger Hannibal was no longer on her friends list. You know, I wouldn't normally care if Jason was technically my "friend on Facebook," but I got pissed at the diss because the first time this happened, my aura got shattered (what a weird thing to have happen, I know), and I ended up attempting suicide, since I was on the streets. And yes, Rachel was on a Death Plane (spiritual plane) when making the video saying Jason will see her face in his nightmares, by the way. I was close to death. Anyway... Instead of a good cheap laugh Emily was expecting, they got a blog that stayed up one day and then came down, pointing out that Ethan didn't regret committing suicide, and Jason was considered a psychopath by my guides. I took it down right away, went into turmoil for a second, and spiritually attacked Jason and Emily simply by thinking about projecting bad energy. That was all I did to spiritually attack them. Of course, for the let down, Emily wanted revenge. Jason told her about something you can do to people for revenge that is supernatural (a warning sign due to the bad karma you will receive from this situation, both of them), and Emily threw a fit wanted to get her way and said this was her "dream." This is the part I do not understand. What is going through both their minds, but Jason's in particular, when he agrees to this situation. I simply cannot fathom what would bring you to do this to your friend, and neither can the spirit world. This also destroyed what was left of Jason's semi-good reputation on the other side. The good news is, my guides did something to prevent it from having the desired effect on me, and the world remained at peace for the time being in my world, though I was grappling with serious depression anyway at the time due to uncertainty about the mission and whether it was real or not, despite the mindflip, due to the downward spiral in my world. Well, Jason was upset alright about doing this to Rachel, I will tell you that, I don't know exactly what he was thinking but I do know that giving Emily her dream destroyed what was left of Jason (and in turn Emily's) life. Jason got a horrific demon. I don't understand why I didn't suspect this earlier, something was wrong with Jason. My guides said, doing this, despite costing the Farnworth family more than a month's paycheck out of Jason's salary, caused Jason to stop caring about others and be full of hate toward everyone. He got a demon, lost all his friends due to rudeness, wrote to Rachel when she was contemplating suicide and ended up talking her into it, and much much more. It destroyed everything. Jason also got some misconceptions about Rachel, as the demon convinced Jason that Rachel was lying about attempting suicide at all (or at least several of the times) and Jason was mad at Rachel. It defies reason and logic. And after recent events this year, as Jason continuously does black magic and hires others to do black magic, he gets pissed because every single thing he does is unsuccessful. He's trying to get a rise out of Rachel, see. He wants to see fear, screaming, and panic. And I am stellar about remaining calm through it all, as my guides have spent a lot of time training me. Now, after hiring witches to force Rachel to kill herself was unsuccessful (remember, Jason has a demon), it comes out that Rachel was innocent on all charges, she didn't lie about anything at all. We are also in the same boat again as Rachel was with with Hugh, as Jason has a demon and no matter what Rachel says or does, Jason hates her unconditionally. Nowadays, Jason sits in his room day after day and does black magic against Rachel. He remembers what Rachel said about Jason and Rachel's relationship on the other side. Jason does all sorts of degrading things to Rachel and Jason and Rachel both love it, is what I was told. One of the goals of living this lifetime is to end this relationship between Jason and Rachel on the other side, as it hinders Rachel's spiritual growth, and self-respect is a value spirits need. So, Jason casts love spells that have been dwindling in efficacy due to Rachel's growing hatred of Jason. He does things and Jason likes pretending that Rachel loves it too, though he is probably kidding and knows Rachel hates it, he's egged on by the malicious demon inside him. I personally interpret the situation as such, Jason is trying to force Rachel into mental breakdown. On a positive note, this ended up being massively harder than Jason originally thought (understatement). However, despite Rachel clearly being the good guy here, and she is doing God's work... I don't know what Jason is thinking, if he is in denial, or if he just doesn't care which is possible too. Everyone is unhappy with Jason, including Emily as she has to put up with her husband continuously doing love/sex spells on another woman, despite being "so so so moral" and not actually cheating. No one wins in this situation. And Rachel may be suffering on a death plane, as of yesterday. What happens now? DUN DUN DUN... DUN...

Ye ole' Abortion Topic (Let's Stop Saying Ye)

So we can conclude from these recent events that God wants abortion to be legal. That's what I concluded. It's the best of both worlds outcome as we understand that the abortions that have already happened aren't some horrible tragedy that God is angry about, and women should be able to have access to abortion within reason. Actually, I personally think, despite my own actions, abortion should be limited to first term only and you should watch your fucking period if you miss one, Rachel Zuhl. That happened the first time and I said hey, mindflip's whack! This has been a required personal exercise in reassessing beliefs and opinions on abortion from an adult perspective, not blindly following what I was taught. One thing my guides pointed out to me, the baby did suffer the first time during the second term abortion in a way that would upset me. Of course, we did parent the baby beforehand, instilling into him our value of toughness, and he knew he was going to a better place too. Most unborn babies probably don't know that. Also, I'm thinking back to my childhood stance on the issue of parental notification of abortions, and thinking what the fuck. I used to be opposed to that, however I wasn't highly opinionated either way. Now I think there must be someone else you can talk to if you feel scared of your parents in that way. You should probably assume the parents are the good guys here. That is all. EDIT: Exception for health concerns for both baby or mother, including birth defects. That's what Rachel Zuhl and friends think.

The Wizarding World of Rachel B

I just forgave Jason yet again, but remembered I forgot what just happened a week or maybe two, dunno, ago. Well, I remembered what Kurt Wilson just told me and I haven't actually really talked to him. "We disapprove of this guy." Some do. That was his opinion. And, you know, he's a little bit hard to handle by some, but some like is wonderful books and charm and with and humor. Some do, on the other side. I don't regret saying that to Jason, just thought that was weird. Just a though, it's fine I guess but he won't think so. Well, the karmic lifetimes for stuff. This isn't normal stuff, you know. Just a thought. And we're all wizards here. Also, I was thinking about motivation. What I want most is an A on the mission. I want what God wants in terms of abortion rights. And, no inhumane treatment at hospitals. Leave me alone with your needles and empty rooms and imprisonment. It annoys me now... To think of taunting by others, but that annoys me now. I won't care about taunting. That's what I think. What else? Ahh, nothing. Love, healthy baby.

The Wizarding World of Rachel

So what happened next in the wizarding world of Rachel? Well a lot of stuff, but what actually happened first was the witches got sick of Jason and sided with Rachel. That's what happened. So they come and check in every once in awhile, since I can feel there vibes... It's all fine and cool. Then what happened? Well, Jason just keeps going nuts with the black magic. So the witches said, hey we'll retaliate. They said that eventually, it was getting so ridiculous. So then the Dark Duo of Infamy retaliated against me the next day. I didn't do anything, but I wasn't sure that was the point, but if it was... Expect more, Dark Duo of Infamy. They even got the "Kingpin" out there, saying hey pipe down the black magic against someone who we found innocent. Originally, Jason gave them a slandersplodge of lies about me. And then I was kept up with a weird spell several nights in a row. And... What the hell do I know anymore? But besides whatever my guides will do, their black magic is going to backfire onto them and cause them some problems.

Sweet Jesus, I Hate Jason Farnworth

The question at any moment is, "Do I actually have a hatred cord to Jason Farnworth?" The answer right now is yes. Sometimes... Energetic stuff happens, we'll leave it at that, and I remove the hatred cord. And then it builds back. I can reach out and touch people with my mind. There are situations related to this phenomenon that I call "zippy things." The other day I reached out and touched Jason with my mind while lying on my bed going to sleep. He held me for quite a few moments, he hugged me over and over again (or was it just my internal organs he was hugging?), I felt a ping from his wife, and then I got a Facebook message, the next moment. It was from Jason. He said while we were having quite a vibe for a second... He said something about how I no longer qualified for the mission and it was being given to someone else. I responded with a "thank you." I was glad he said that, he just confirmed the reality of that type of zippy stuff. That was more important than you can ever imagine. I didn't know what the point of the other part was, and I wasn't offended. He was trying to be rude, I found out, and that was a joke to me that he thought that was going to be effective. I already hate Jason (heavenly break ups are hard, obviously). I was hoping he was okay and giving him a hug of forgiveness, but regardless fuck it. This was a joke to me. You know, the mission is NOT a joke to me. I am no longer looking to you for confirmed reasoning on it, either. And the other thing about it, the mission has been in progress for 35 years. If you understand the state of my thoughts/mind, I just keep thinking about how grateful I am that the depressing parts are over. I go over that over and over again, wow I'm glad I'm done with the conversation issue, even though they started correcting it as many as 13 years ago. So that's ineffective, if you think that bothers me... Anyway, he said a whole bunch of other stuff that was a joke to me. As my guides say, he's "deranged" right now. He said something I thought was weird about how you know I won't have my looks forever, sort of implying that that's what my self-worth was based on, which is a groan and a facepalm. Okay, no. Good looks are "novelty item." Kind of like a nice car. It's not a reflection of self, I've said this before. I thought it was stupid he didn't know that. I could look back at all the irrelevant crap he's said in the past two days, but I don't feel like it. Oh yeah, something about how my guides were teaching me to be in love with myself. Well I like myself and it sure beats low self-esteem... And I'm suffering every second due to lack of human relationships, I'm focused on the coming of the future though, for now, so I tell myself I am happy regardless. I'm not "complete" without love or good companionship (at least I have the spirit world). Everything he said was a complete joke to me. I encouraged him to keep going with the insults. It will prepare me for the public arena. I'm not sure that there was anything ever all that good about Jason besides being the one to introduce me to mysticism. I think he needs some more sleep, and I'm wondering if he will even get it then. As they say, "seeing is believing."

How Are You Today, Rachel?

How am I doing today? How the hell am I doing today? Well, first and foremost... I'm impressed with myself and how strong I am, that's predominant. I'm feeling confident. Faith is at a high point. There are too many things to think about, like always, but now more than ever! Where do I start? Where the hell do I start here? Well, I don't want to over-extend myself, get over confident with my invincibility, and fall over and flop all of a sudden, is a thought. I have to give myself time to process and settle. Things are weirder than weird as always, but now more than always. Wow, what a year 2022 has been! It's been ridiculous... And as the woh woh woh alarm went off this year, I'm warned here that this might cause fame to seem even more daunting than it already is. Ahhh!! Fame!! Ahh! Shit hits the fan I guess, soon... And time inches by! Slowly, slowly... And I like that. Lots of vibes, weird energy, pings and pongs all over the place... Lots of people thinking about me. You think you know, but you have no idea. "That's the joke." Hated and scorned upon by some, Rachel knows something about the situation that some people would think is ridiculous... What do all these events mean? Something is about to happen, and it's divine intervention. And at first glance... You would think I have a boring life, huh? To whomever... "What goes on in your bedroom, Rachel?" Well, it's well established that after awhile bizarre paranormal phenomenon starts happening, stuff that's in no book. Do people do these things on a conscious level or a subconscious level? I guess subconscious, is a thought. Hmm. Well, one thing that happened, there was a day in my room a situation that came up randomly with both Jason and the witches... (no I was the only one there, okay)... This situation in your life, that's sick and sad and makes us feel rotten. Really, really rotten. And... This may have been them talking to me subconsciously. Or, my guides wanted to point out that particular issue to me and make me think on it. Hmmm.. Then I had a breakthrough. That situation is important to my case. Doop di doop di doop... I'm overwhelmed, self-confidence is sky rocketing, and I'm scared of what happens when I'm famous. I'll do it though, duh. I think I'm overreacting and it will be fine! Will I be happier, though? "Are you happy now?" Huh. Is anyone? The answer is yes but I want change. I want change. All of the things about fame I used to want, don't sound fun anymore. But I want people in my life to talk to about things. What is the real issue? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Why We Don't Have Friends

We know why we don't have friends. Some people don't have friends because they are way too unique. Not a whole lot of stuff in common with others. That's my own reason. Other people don't have friends, because if they find out someone likes them, they make a repulsive show of how much they hate that person. And the person goes, "Woah woah woah! Believe me, it wasn't that important at all, geez.." And no one will like the first person again.

Things I Value

Two things off the top of my head: Courage and Character. Things I don't value: Hatred. Things that make me laugh: Repulsive Demonstrations of Hatred. People who do things like this are called retarded sociopaths. "How many people like that do you know, Rachel?" "Just one."

Providence "Plus Sign" And Accessing Other Side Memories

It came up at Providence Hospital 2021, I was looking out the window at the parking garage, at the Providence cross that looks more like a plus sign. "That's something significant," my guides said about the symbol. Then... I stared at it for longer for that reason, but actually, it never came up why that was actually significant. This may have been a contributing factor to me losing faith, in 2021. They lie. Well, actually they did not lie. It came up in 2022 what the "plus sign" was a reference to... It was used in a training exercise on the other side, before I came down for this lifetime. I have only lived four lifetimes previous to this one. That's not very many. Being so young, I had to grow in emotional security traits (plural) to become fit for the mission (this lifetime). They had me do this exercise where I was suddenly in a dirt arena, completely out of the blue, having no memories of what I was doing previously or idea how I got there. My nerves were twitching strangely in a way that was very uncomfortable, and no one at all was around. I would crawl toward an opening in the distance, there was a way out of the dirt arena way in the distance, and I had to just crawl and crawl and crawl towards that opening, while my nerves were on fire or there was something horrific going on with my body. The little scenario would end before I got there. My guides say, "Most people's souls would rip in half if they did this exercise." How many times did I do it? Enough. Enough to seem completely ridiculous, that is. Actually, it was about seventeen minutes at a time, seven times. The funny thing about it is how strange it makes me feel everytime I think of this situation. I get a really strong emotional connotation, unnaturally strong, of a dirt arena. It seems kind of like the Colliseum in Rome, but not fancy and European. It eventually came up though, the "loading screen" for this exercise, was the Providence plus sign. I remember learning that on the other side. "The reason it's a plus sign like that is it's a reference to the hospital you are at on Earth when you eventually find out about this exercise." And I rolled my eyes and groaned because I thought that was stupid, on the other side. It seemed stupid. Maybe the real reason was all this unneccessary time I was going to spend at the hospital this lifetime, is a thought I have about it but I'm not sure what the reason was. The thing is I actually remember thinking that was kind of dumb. It occurs to me now, that's why I'm doing such a good job keeping myself together now, through Fish Out of Water Psychology and beyond, to the events of 2022. With emotional security, I am very very strong on traits. On a completely different topic, another thing occurred to me recently. There's a thought process in my mind that keeps coming up about Jason, Rachel, and Kristen, together. It occurred to me that Jason and I are lovers on the other side obviously, I already knew that, but he's also interested in Kristen on the other side, and to her that's a big "no thank you." Kristen and I have a very platonic friendship on the other side. I don't want to make her angry either, since Kristen is kind of sensitive, but this is a bad lifetime for her in terms of her psychology. As John Lennon says, "It happens to the best of us."

The Psychopath Conundrum

What is the right hang up? Well, the psychopath thinks, "Ha! I don't care about YOU! Ha!" When actually the issue the other person is caught up thinking about is, "actually I'm just thinking about how you're incapable of caring about anyone else, period. Period. That's the processing issue right now. It's been going on for quite awhile. I don't actually take offense, if you're a psychopath." The other defining issue of the hour is, you missed the skill level issue. And, I don't mean offense, but.. The, umm, skill level issue is something YOU should worry about. They don't take into account skill level when determining karmic outcomes, they take into account actions. And the other issue here is, "Ha ha! I'm going to retaliate if you make a comment like that due to an irksome personality trait! Ha ha!" And the joke was on him, the entire time.

Jason's Plot to Annihilate Rachel, Foiled By Guide's Miracle Soul Work

So, I figured out we throw Jason's suicide out like rice. When it came down to me finding out he was still alived, I was so relieved I wanted to scream and cry and hold him very close and sweet and never let him go. When I got out of the hospital... Do I even want to think about what happened? I have to make a decision to think about it and I'm not sure I want to. Well, at one point he started doing more black magic. I got caught in a vicious web of his, cursing the sexual woo and consequences, and gave in in my mind to his lustful antics. Nevertheless, he came by yesterday with a proposition. He was high as fuck, he said so later, on speed shrooms down to Valiooms, or something about psyliciban, THC, and alcohol. He said he had a miracle cure for my ditziness in my words, actually it was for some sort of cognitive deficit. It involved the possibility of human DNA but also some sorts of other drugs. I hesitated, of course, as this was an absurd proposition to accept without knowing what was indeed in the concoction, if there even was a concoction as I suspected he was just kidding, obviously. Of course, I asked questions and at first told him no. How weird, of course, of an offer. Of course, as noted, Subbie does involve some sort of "cognition problem" that is supposed to be suddenly broken through like a hymen, as the guides have been noting, dropping hints, and pointing to the promise of an inevitiable "Second Rush" or Second Kundalini Awakening, which involves impairment in general, naturally or as some say, traditionally. But... I was fearful of agreeing to this strange proposition, then said, "What the hey? Probably no Depakote in the concoction..." I couldn't imagine him trying to force to take Depakote by actually giving it to me. Especially in the light of the recent events, which include him sending me LOVE, LOVE CORDS, and a RESPECT cord, to put things in all caps for no specific reason. So, he said there might be... Other types of human DNA, though I wasn't sure. I had a dream last night I rediscovered the magic of Christmas, after going to bed and thinking about said proposition. I got up, drank coffee, ate something off the floor, and wondered until my eyes tore out of my skull! What the hell, Jason? He was only kidding anyway, but what a disgusting insult, especially in the light of the recent ridiculous sex cords done by black magic. What the fuck? What the howdy hey? And what do you mean? If I have a "cognitive deficit," and it needs "drugs and human DNA.." What? What does that mean? Luckily, my guides were very quick to save the day by doing immense amount of soul work that left me crippling to my lunges and grasping a menial staff of purpose. Would I make it through? Would I get out without an ending like Shakespeare? The answer was.. Yes. And don't tell him you were thinking about Shakespeare, either. What else? What did he mean? What was the fucking idea? Well, is he mad? Should I forgive him? Should I love him anyway? I'm getting sick of him and his ridiculous antics. Well, on the one hand we have love, spells, and love cords, on the other hand we have some insult to my cognition, which in someone's defense is fair due to my in general lack of ability to concentrate and that leads to stuff happening that's bad, or impaired cognition, exactly... What was the dream last night? He was compared to the Family Guy dad, Peter. It was like, oh yeah Hugh, and oh yeah... Peter from Family Guy (AKA, Jason). I don't know anymore. Will I fulfill my destiny? With great faith! Is the answer. And ONLY, with GREAT FAITH... DOOT..

We Don't Believe in God, We Like to say the Word "Power"

Is power an interesting word to you? Well, I think soul is a more interesting word. What IS power? At the essence of the term power, is force. Now, soul is a more interesting concept. It means awareness. Something that HAS awareness or IS awareness. And without THAT concept, the concept of the soul, there would be nothing at all. Some people say... "Nope. There would be a grid." But no one would know about the grid. And no one is on the grid (talking about the universe grid). Therefore, there really is no grid if it can't be observed. You like thinking about power, don't you? I don't. Sheesh.

Do I Live, Or Do I Die? (Argument in opposition)

So, the "Argument in Opposition" for the imminent death theory. I had a dream when I was a senior in high school, this is "Classic Rachel Zuhl Literature." There was something about Matthew taking a video of my breasts jiggling and broadcasting it into every room in the school. A bunch of shit went down, and at the very end... (I don't remember what happened, I didn't write it down). This is a VERY COMMONLY REFERENCED piece of Rachel Zuhl literature... It seemed like it was the end, but it had only just begun (of my life). And I was hanging out on top of an icosahedron house, waiting to be air-lifted to safety. It kind of seemed like search lights or missiles psychologically, one on one side lowering, raising as you reached the end point and then tada! The beginning! Other than that, I feel like cluster plop. I can't watch television without being "triggered" by butts. I don't know if I should point this out... But I did anyway. I did anyway (football players).

Santa Claus

That was the Silia Self's favorite thing about the Earth Plane. Also, the reason I hate Christmas. No, I don't "hate Christmas," okay. But is this how we celebrate Jesus's birthday? Or anyone's, for that matter? We have a rabid repulsive rape of the planet, then a fictional character to talk down the existence of Jesus.

Dreams Last Night? What?

I had a dream I was sailing, through the air, on a glorious voyage. The setting was supposed to be Portland, Oregon. At the beginning, Hugh was there and others, it was Christmas, I was painting my nails with a nail polish I got that failed to dry, no matter what. I got a shirt, and wore it. It was some common culture reference, and the shirt was complete with a bow (like a bow and arrow) straight across the boobs, jutting out at either side. We were sailing in the air. I sailed... And there were gemstones somewhere, I had some on my arm, tried the rose quartz, specifically. The rose quartz helped, so I kept it, and decked my avatar up with a gemstone cross, draped across some hanging thing, and some other jewelry. We sailed, and at some point, the "gem store" got mad, saying hey, you are supposed to pay for those gemstones. I sailed away, unlike me, I didn't think it was necessary to pay the gemstone guy. We sailed through the air, across the hills and the mountains. I found a diamond or precious gem just sitting there high in the mountain, and kept it. As we sailed on... There was some "theme park" that was interesting high in the mountains. Higher up... We were supposed to tear a hole in the sky. Which way? Toward the mountain, that seemed bad, or tear a hole in the sky...

Childhood Nightmares

I remembered to point something out to my dad. What were nightmares like for me when I was a kid? Well, when I was I think four, we went to Yosemite. The national park with the vicious bears, you know. The only nightmare I remember having about the "vicious bears"... After we left, at home, I had a dream that we were in one of those little cabin things, or something, and there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peephole and there was a bear standing there. Our family ran out the other exit, got in the car, and the bears were following us, across an intersection... And then I woke up (it wasn't that big of a deal of a nightmare, in short). My guides say, overwhelming nightmares of fears as a kid, is genetic, not "soul intelligence." Anyway... So besides a couple after we moved... There was one nightmare, or a series of nightmares in sixth grade. What was the theme? I had an awful reoccuring nightmare, of being in the car with my parents and them driving us into the water. There were a lot of variations on this particular nightmare, in one of them we drove off a bridge, and we thought we might land on this other part of the bridge, because there was a swirve in the bridge. We all cheered.. "Ahhh... Almost, NO!!" As we just barely missed. My guides say, well, besides stuff we were talking about on a subconscious level, a lot of times there are multiple things that go into one particular image or symbol in a dream, and part of the reason this dream was so reoccurring, was related to my family not being Christian. Just a fear that psyche might have, is all. I remember one in particular though, I was in the car with my mom, it was fourth of July I guess, and someone was shooting off fireworks and something fell on the windshield. Then.. BAM! Off a cliff, not all that long later. It was horrifying. I lay awake in my bed after waking with a horrific start, remembering the part where something fell on the windshield, and how at that point, everything was fine and no one was expecting anything horrible to happen. What was the other nightmare? I think it might have been in seventh grade, an "easy processing year," I was still having nightmares. There was this nightmare where someone was joking with someone else's baby, and this person showed the baby a puppet of a clown. The baby put his hands over his eyes, and instructed himself, "FORGET THE CLOWN!" And it came up later, man, this was a nightmare about nightmares. I was having nightmare after nightmare, the psyche was just so enraged, about a situation that wasn't a problem! What was the other (irrelevant) nightmare? It had a melody in it, it's a melody I found in 2017 in a Panic At the Disco song. "Coming out the backdoor, da da da da da, Ms. Jackson?" You'll have to look up the particular song, but it's in a Panic at the Disco song. I had it in 8th grade, and at the time, you're going to think this is crazy, but... All the other kids were singing Ms. Jackson by Outkast. I wasn't watching MTV in 8th grade, and they didn't play the song on Z100. So I had never actually heard the song, just people singing it in school. And... Subbie was the one who pointed out, hey, that was a melody from a nightmare in 8th grade... That's not something I would actually remember, either.

The Saddest Part, at Jason's Expense

The part that made Jason look bad... And I try not to look at this situation, because I don't like it when other people look bad. Or, really fucking stupid, at all. Before... Before? When did it start? There was something weird about the way the perfume looked to me, the Versace Yellow Diamonds. And that meant something, I could explain, but... Let's leave it at it wasn't my imagination, okay? Like, Jason would insist on Versace Yellow Diamonds. He... Thought I would, probably not have enough spending money to buy a new bottle, try to get my sister to buy me Versace Yellow Diamonds or steal my sister's bottle, since she probably had that particular brand of perfume. When I found that out, I went, wooh.. You missed something, Jason. No. That's a terrible misunderstanding. Just no. I'm not going to take something like that from my sister, or impose upon my sister in that way... And I thought you know, well.. As a side note, Lincoln's special good trait is "willingness to understand at the expense of self," is how I had it explained to me. And I thought, maybe you don't understand how much that stuff costs? And I thought that for awhile, and later it came back to, heh, no, he does... He understands how much that stuff costs. And this situation was just sad, and not funny. There are other situations here that are funny, not sad. But this particular situation is sad, not funny.

Dreams From Ye' Ole Post Spring Break 2005 Era

I had a dream then, I didn't remember upon waking. Upon learning something at the time. I was watching a car crash. A semi-truck crashes, and a tidal wave from over a little barrier, comes over and smashes through. The camera pans to a little boy, randomly watching the scene. He turns to the camera and says: "What does it mean?" In the other dream, and this is one I remember upon waking, I was at Matthew's house. Some sort of green liquid had spilled, and everyone was cleaning it up. I was standing there, and Matthew's dad, "Matt," came over to me and said, "Your work is done here." He looked me in the eye and said, "You know what to do." I looked at him back and said, "I sure do." I left, and went on a wild adventure, not knowing where I would end up. However, wherever I went, I knew exactly where to turn, the right turn way to turn at every turn. I ended up... It's not really important, but I ended up somewhere where there was something about the sun in the sky, and the essence of God and life itself.

Oh, the Woes of Babylon

I woke up this morning from a dream about Jason and the witches. There was something weird about it, and I don't actually remember what the events in the dream were, if it can even be reduced to a series of events and not psychological hublub and vague references to people, emotions, and situations that aren't exactly clear. The thing about it, that I gathered from the emotional tone and stuff my guides said when I awoke, he's sorry. I'm trying to look the other way on a consistent basis from how sick that situation actually is, to remain sane, of course. Of course, it's a lot easier to do, when the ole' guides have done lots of sick things to me but no, it was for my own good and in the name of training. So when they actually wish me harm, it doesn't actually seem all that much different, I make jokes and we are, you know, having fun "I guess." Of course, I like excitement, and that's the thing. You're not supposed to like excitement maybe, just calmness and normalcy. The misunderstanding here is so ridiculous, it almost seems funny but maybe that's not what I really think. What do I really think? Actually, one of the supposed benefits of this lifetime was to separate us, in heaven. It finally came out, something my "true self" or "Silia self" said, this relationship brings me down on the other side, over and over again. It's also a detriment to my spiritual growth. We're talking about our relationship in heaven, I'm talking about before I was born obviously, in case that's a weird concept for some people to try to understand, I don't know. What else is going on? My guides were sending me humiliated energy this morning. Yeah, it's possible that I would feel humiliated on my own, yes. It is possible that this supposed "energy" could actually be human emotion. They actually are sending me energy though, I'm trying to distance myself from everything, it's a magic dance of accepting obnoxious situations in retrospect and in time. It gives the impression that I will eventually realize, there was nothing good about my Earth situation ever, that's not what I actually think though. There are things I know about myself and my behavior, I am always trying to be polite, nice, and forgiving when people are downright rude. Well, of course, I may have done something rude by accident, I wasn't trying to be rude and well if I was polite I wouldn't have even said anything at all, right? Like, saying something that's just an observation. The energy I'm getting, actually from my guides, is something like rage, they're not mad at me, they're pointing something out. The thing is, I know something about the situation, and I don't know if it makes people mad to say it but the problem wasn't me. I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone else either. "God's plan." People like my parents didn't always do the right thing (guardianship and Innercept), however that was part of "God's plan." As a side note, that came up as something Jason didn't understand about the situation. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone else, either. That was what was supposed to happen. Eventually I took Jason's behavior as a "social cue." It goes downhill from here if you are in the public arena for this wack situation that's hard to understand. The other thing is, the guides, which are real and I wonder if that's the issue right there that people don't believe in the paranormal, it was a long road, I didn't think any of that was possible to begin with, and eventually I achieved peace with myself this lifetime. And I don't feel like trying to argue the point with anyone else here either. That's the thing, no you wouldn't take my word for it would you, and that's not the issue. And the other thing is, there's something weird about the ole' "mindflip." It's a fun brain update, but is it an ideal one? And that's the sad truth, not really. It's fun and interesting but there's something wrong with it, I have trouble with certain types of cognitive tasks, and I don't know if there is going to be another sudden miracle in this situation like was promised. And at one point quite a long time ago now, my guides helped me understand that I was capable of things that seemed impossible. I am amazingly strong and unstoppable. But does that mean I am capable of everything that could possible happen under the sun? No. And that's the thing. I don't think I am capable of everything here. I don't know if people think I'm supposed to kill myself here, or if I'm not supposed to, it seems like. And then if you are suicidal, people think it's a cry for sympathy, or at least some people seem to think that or that's some sort of myth about suicide. And I'm not suicidal either. I actually think there is something wrong with my body, due to factors galore. What are the factors here? Alcohol, medication (yep, I think that's a factor), and chakra problems.

Battles Raged, Night After Night

That's what happened here. Battles raged. Actually, what happened first? I went over and spent maybe two nights at some random person's apartment. Actually, it wasn't even that guy's apartment, I think he was doing the ole "couch surfing" thing and they let him stay there. That's what happened immediately after the first Magi visit. I was talking to them, I told them, the "ditzy poisoned princess," or... There's something weird about that situation, actually. It's a reference to a girl in fourth grade who I was "too good to talk to," at recess. She didn't have any friends, either. There was some girl who I actually did hang out with at recess in fourth grade all the time, at the beginning of the year and towards the end of the year. During that brilliant pause there, umm, why didn't I talk to the "loser" girl? Why did I think I was so much better than that girl? What was wrong with me? Oooh, I'm better than her... Why? Stuck up of me, huh? At the end of the year, I said to myself, "I learned something this year. Never say you're too good to talk to someone, ever." It was a reference at the same time, to emails I sent Jason, going down with some sort of historical roses, flowers, and importance. At first Personal Unconscious Story A was disturbing but interesting, then you keep looking, and it changes. To something not disturbing, at least. I told the witches, at some point right here, there IS a Personal Unconscious Story B coming up... Coming up... I thought for a second it could be some sort of in person meeting between Jason and I after the fact, imagined a woman with hands over her mouth in surprise. I pointed out, "Notice, that might not be at all what it is. It hasn't come up yet." When it did come up... It was at a stranger's apartment. We were, doing something there, I didn't sleep, and in the morning Jason's vibes were vying for my attention. It just captured my attention. I looked at his picture, picture read, studying it. No assumptions. This situation was ridiculous, over the top, and sort of embarrassing but funny, and there were all sorts of energetic cords that could be pulled here, was the key issue, to aid with sex. It was a marriage invitation, yes. And, we have a go with the flow attitude, and when it ended with a sick feeling, it wasn't a suprise because that was a little over the top. And... BAM! Angel. The angel took the fall, and I was over it right away and laughed. There was a guy sitting across the table from me when it happened, looked at me with worry for a second, then said, "Oh nevermind you look fine now." That was the part that was funny. Something weird happened there for the rest of the day, and it was weird, spiritual, and glorious, but it wasn't the end. I thought it was going to be, but it wasn't, and I was determined. I went home to the group home, and spent all night laughing my head off. I didn't know what else to do. God, what a weird life. But, no I didn't get something, you're not supposed to think this situation is funny though, was the thing. That was the problem. Yes, that was a dumb situation, but I wasn't supposed to actually LAUGH. No no you got something wrong here, we weren't trying to be funny. And... Later.. Battles ensued. I made jokes. Well, this is serious, not funny though... And I know and I know. I have to remain sane here, and that's how I do it. I know. And, there was something kind of interesting about Subbie's apparent magic here, it did something, Subbie was doing something weird here, don't ask. And it was effective. And at one point, Jesus rescued me. But witches aren't going to run and hide from a rescue from Jesus, I will tell you that much. And I'm looking at Jesus, and I don't want to panic and say, "Help me! Help me! Save me! Save me!" In front of witches who don't believe in Jesus and probably think that's dumb. It was kind of funny when Jesus rescued me though. I felt like I was being life flighted out by wings.

It Was a Process, Yes...

Let's go back to, immediately after the first "Magi" visit. Well, I had to stay awake all night as they kept trying stupid spells that went nowhere, like moving energy up and down my arms. Freaky, no. And then the next morning a foreign guy arrived. To explain... Well, I got a hatred cord. And it was cut right then, because Jason arrived and he was a foreign guy. In my memory, this situation seems so strange to me I felt like I was in a different location entirely, when I remember it, but no I was still in this bedroom. I don't remember what happened right here, there was stuff that was clearly "throw it out like rice" material, no mistaking it. I was worried about Emily because Jason had punched her in the face! And, that was a reference to one time how I made a "Rule of Thumb" joke, and in retrospect, umm... You know, I was making an assumption, that he does not get violent and beat anyone here... I could be wrong. And if I am wrong, damn, that wasn't a funny joke. And he asked me to marry him, I said fine (I didn't take this situation seriously, and no hard feelings either way), since it was the merry month of June again. I imagined that he was locked up somewhere. And yeah, it wasn't surprising that he wasn't, you know, I don't think anyone actually talks to the old, or, you know, has... The Dark Duo of Infamy isn't people I thought are still very popular anymore, at all. Whatever that situation looks like. Yes, there are still people who talk to them. On a different note... There's a collective unconscious story that opens when you don't have friends, it came up later, "DROP A COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS BOMB!" Jason had that collective unconscious story open, and I do not. So, that means something, huh? Then... There was some wizardful world of losing sanity, but sanity remained intact, it could have been brainwaves there. And then... At some point, I grabbed the imprint in the bed and asked for comfort and help. Except, this was "Nick Fredrick," no it was still Jason, but that's who it was in my head and that's no compliment, for the record, to anyone here. And he said, "AHH!! SORRY BUT!! DON'T DO THAT!!! I DON'T WANT TO COMFORT YOU!!!" And then... There was some nasty energy of spells that were annoying, and I had to pick myself up and head to the old Zuhl residence, and it was hard but I did it, there was bad energy everywhere, or at least in my room and in the neighborhood. And then... Ian and I had a jolly old time at the old Zuhl residence. We had fun. Stayed up all night, maybe. I did get some sleep though. And, I slept walked to the door, or so I was told, and called for Kristen, that night. And then what happened? Actually, back at the Zuhl residence they tried to cast a spell and my guides blocked it out. They told me, "We work outside the law." What's the elephant in the room about this situation? I can feel them looking at my thoughts. It feels weird, and after awhile I just said hey what's up? I know and I know, well if someone is looking at what you are thinking, you can at least be nice and make jolly conversation. Or, whatever, say whatever. If you are alone on an island with some people, you can at least lighten the mood. And explain things, and stuff. And... I'm not always trying to be funny I'm going for a point of interest here though, an emotion of interest, and I'm not always sure exactly what it ends up being in the end. And... Cut. "Don't explain THAT part," says Ian.

What else happened? In No Particular Order...

What do I talk about first? At one point, I was sitting at a bar and Jason did a spell to tell me ot kill myself. Actually, that's the one I kept casting on him and forgetting that I was doing, and cognitive dissonance that promoted sanity. I'm saving the world here, the world is more important than you, like a parent to its baby, that means get lost. I don't care about niceties, if you are doing that, and I forget immediately because this is a lovely process. Oh? And, he was also doing love spells, or more like sex spells, simultaneously, at first or fuck if I know. The last time I remember him doing it though, it made me say, okay okay Jason you are only pulling for picture reading attention here, I want to look at something else and you pulling for the "attention knob." So, I think it happened twice at a bar, and that was right before I posted a video about Jason Farnworth and William Vandergaw, since I've already said his name, somewhere. And, back to the bar, the apparent reason was because I didn't talk to the old man sitting next to me, which was social judgment I don't think was bad, along with what do I say here? And I sent back "innocence," an energy that requires innocennt intent to send, and Subbie said that was effective, keep doing that. He tried, at one point, to send the same energy back, and it wasn't believable. I know this story is fucking crazy, don't get mad, people. How the hell did he see what I was doing? Well, he knows weird stuff without being told, but I don't actually know what was going on here. He's read a whole bunch about the Great Beyond, and he has studied "alchemy." Which.. is kooky apparently, to study alchemy. Anyway... There was a brilliant pause here, I think, or was there? I don't remember exactly. That's the thing! I don't remember exactly the particular order and time frames but... He didn't repeatedly cast the kill yourself spell. He cast it twice. When I did it on him, all I meant was stop. Leave. Me. Alone. I am moving on, and I didn't choose sexual wooing energy go begin with, thank you very much. I'm used to this retardando energy hijack situation. And that's the exact reason I'm not actually mad. What a fucking stupid hard to understand situation, and if you have cookies for feet you don't exactly expect other people to be nice about such a fucking ugly situation. I also remembered the training video! "It was unfair before, it's still unfair. Virtually no difference, always unfair." And I thought "Heart on the loose" meant something magical happened... There's some vague reference in my mind that might be entirely fictional mind you, people talking, "Oh, and then I reached... Heart on the loose." That means something, yes. It means I stopped liking him, actually. But... there is something wrong with the bed! THE BED! THE BED HAS AN EVIL FORCE! The woo left an evil force in the bed, and what do I do NOW? There is no one left... Just the evil force in the bed... And it's gone now. That's how you know. The bed is different now. Is the problem solved? Well, this blog didn't explain the situation in order, either.

What Happened After You Said "Jesus Saves?"

Jesus, that situation didn't seem fair. "Well, tell the rest of your story, of course." I believed it was a real mission, because they obviously performed some sort of "surgery" or something defying natural explanation happened to my brain, which was the thing that started the spirit guide situation in 2014. Since I believed it really was a global warming mission, that was the natural conclusion, well, "the guides" or as some say, "the spirit guides" said, well, we have special permission to use black magic here. There were situations I didn't actual believe where black magic was used a little, I guess. That's the thing, "I guess." Well, then there were subconscious spells at the beginning, and I didn't believe that was possible either okay, but I knew it wasn't in my head, and what the hell do I know about the what stuff is possible anyway? So yeah, I know. Anyway... I remember Jason read the book series in a strange order, and said, "Well, you could join the Magi." Which seemed like a jolly force of good, and I imagined it was something reputable and also not exactly real either, but I didn't think too hard on that situation, either. THAT was the Magi, apparently. They do that right there, harass people. Exactly. The other thought that occurs to me, I was supposed to whine and complain on Facebook, or call the cops, or tell someone. And... When the "Magi" eventually did come, and did the spell Jason himself didn't know how to do himself, He screamed, with the mechanism of the brain that is special, or not on the spiritual plane, the "urgent" message thingamob... As a side note, my mom was using this mechanism constantly when I was on the streets of Santa Barbara. And, Hugh used this mechanism, and it worked like a charm, in retrospect since I didn't know that on a conscious level for a long time. "Rachel, I do not care that you were very very quiet in high school. That right there doesn't bother me. You left people alone and minded your own God damn business, good for you." Because... Everything else was going to be a problem there, and there was no God damn problem if he wasn't harassed by a demon. And that's the thing, except recently it came out of nowhere that there was still a little bit of anger for... You know, insisting upon writing. I always said about that situation, in retrospect, "At least that he let that situation play out to an end, geez I would have died if he immediately blocked me." And... Umm. What else, old Jesus Christ? This is kind of rambling... Anyway, what were talking about? Jason yelled "Call the police!" And I could feel a difference in energy right here, when the Magi did come. And... Later on, there was a primordial unconscious story I was looking at, about when a normal everyday Joe woman experienced the "Magi." It's something unpleasant but interesting enough to look at. Normally, when we talk about opening the "primordial unconscious," we just point out something that happened. This one wasn't actually the same, I looked at for a second. Bad, but God what a weird situation that is. Huh... They do something to your... You know what. And that was the worst picture read of Jason though, right after happened. But he gathered the strength to continue, and... I feel comfortable sharing this situation now. Should I? Does something bad happen? I don't think so, I think it's fine now.

Onward, to the Actual Unit at Unity Hospital, Where things get better!

Everything was bleak. I was at the end of my ropes, and I wanted to die. Well, how? I dunno, how... I don't remember if I had a roommate when I first got there, I may have. And I don't remember. Then I got a different roommate. Maybe, or was that the first one? Dunno. Anyway, this woman came in, and she's like, "Wow! The hospital! Wow! I'm so excited to be here and meet everyone! I just can't wait!" I was planning on eventually talking to her, but you know. I did comment on the library she brought to the hospital with her, I thought it was weird that she insisted on bringing a whole bunch of books from home. I simply said something about it. She rested her Bible on her pillow. I was thinking that was something we could talk about, Christianity. I had one of those iPads or whatever, they have Spotify. And I was listening to music, I think at this point I was using headphones. Someone had given me chocolates, and they were sitting on my desk. She ate them and I thought it was rude, but I excused it. Then I was sitting there, and I was zoned out, and... I listened to a conversation about, something about molestation, and something about how her family doesn't like her boyfriend who is Christian. "Well, you know, he's Christian. Like, Oh my God you don't get it, he's Christian." And, I pointed out at one point I talk to myself. Maybe I was supposed to look embarrassed and ashamed and I didn't. And then... At some point not too long later she left, and I found mayonaisse in my hairbrush the next morning. Yes, I bring a hairbrush from home, do you have a problem with that? Hmm? Do you know what has happened in the past, when I didn't have a firm bristle hairbrush, hmm?" So, I woke up, and saw that, didn't know what to do, asked someone to clean it, and they insisted on Zyprexa. I had to force tears out right here. I had to FORCE out the tears in the restroom, crying will release chemicals that will make this experienc easier. And I took it, and went to sleep, and had to deal with the dirty Zyprexa repercussions in the morning. That's not hunger, that's just general feeling like shit. And.. My parents got it through to the doctor... Oooh, I remember! I REMEMBER! I am forced to take SOMETHING here, I remembered how Lamictal and Abilify "weren't as bad." No, there was something wrong. So, handily and dandily, I remembered, with the prompting of my guides, "Aha!" We never gave Vraylar a reasonable chance, did we? I took that one, when something else was going on in my life, that they could understand, but I wouldn't know if that was important or if they would even remember when, either, only that "Vraylar didn't work." So, I got Vraylar, the increased appetite dissipated after several days, and I tried cheeking it one day and felt better when I didn't. My dad says, "No, never cheek.." "Why? That made me not angry about taking it!" (You would also think right here, there were other factors in "resting" or "unmedicated" brain chemistry to consider...) Then, the new doctor gave in and listened to my parents. Try Ritalin! I had to wait, and eventually, I got the Ritalin. And... There was a spiritual visitation that night... And... My guides predicted the next day, Tuesday, wrote down "Canceled" in the notebook, I didn't think that would happen.. Psychological distress... And happy times to music. Music. Music. And lots of zoning out to music here, on Ritalin. And at the end of the week, when the Ritalin was taken away, it was okay with me. I had found the will to live. And I was ready to get out. This was something weird. At the end of the visit, there was something about this situation. It seemed like some sort of understanding had been reached. Somewhere, with some people, about something. And this was by far, the most interesting hospital. I left the hospital, determined to live. And, well? What do I do now? Find Mr. Right? Who? Where? I don't know if the random dude I find on Zoosk is going to be Mr. Right, the one who give me a chance, lord help me...

The (woohoo?) Pez

The Pez, at Unity Hospital, is this large room of armchairs. In the back, there are four private rooms. They do not have beds, they have these squishy rubber or plastic or whatever cubes that you can push together and put blankets and pillows over. They are not good for sleeping. When I slept there, I had a dream that seemed to be suggesting trying at least, you know, hanging myself as a suicide method. Try it? And Subbie later said, that's called bad sleep quality. There is something wrong with the quality of sleep, if that's a dream I had. That wasn't an effective sleep session. Eventually though, after sleeping at one point, I told a guy who worked there, "I like it when sleep solidifies delusions." And he gave me a knowing look. The food there is bad, but it's always bad, especially bad here. Things you can do in this environment? Well, you can talk to the audio/video stuff, but then they think you are responding to "internal stimuli" and they come and medicate you. Another thing? Play around with social signals, and walk around, feel around, look at people, see how they respond, and try to do this discreetly, without upsetting people. You can talk to people, but sometimes I'm not in the mood here. There's a television, and I hate television. And seating in front of the television isn't good either, you have to have one of those fucking armchairs right in front of the television. I was thinking about Ethan, and haunted by this song by Sophie B. Hawkins, "As I Lay Me Down to Sleep." What kept me going? Thinking about the Lady Gaga song Babylon, and that awfully strange coincidence about how Tupac died immediately after I started school in fourth grade in Lake Oswego. I was dying here. Please let me out, please let me out... The bed took forever, and I don't even remember what they were doing with the medication here. Actually, I think this was the visit I was look, "Oooh, Zoloft, that's a good doctor!" And then they told me, "Rachel, you were already on Zoloft. Nope, the doctor said that Rachel... The doctor said that..." And I'm supposed to believe that they doctor was right and I simply did not remember. "For the love of God get me out! Onward! To the unit!" "A room finally opened up, but it is with a roommate." "Anything is better than this place!"

Well, You Should At Least Tell Someone What Happened, Rachel...

I should be finishing the ole' memoir series here. And.. I don't feel like it. We can talk about it here, I guess. So... After I got to Unity Hospital, after the abortion, and Jason got angry about something that wasn't true that he "picked up on" and of course message blocked me. My brain was doing something, I was at my parent's house, in pain, and the part that I neglected to remember for awhile was that Subbie was the one who made a suicide threat on Facebook, and that actually might have been why the cops were called, not because of a little bit of screaming. It could have been either one, though. So what happened? I wasn't allowed a glass of water first. Of course, I thought it was a major point of interest the first time I was denied water on the way and at the hospital and after injected with medication even, now this was old news. I don't know why they can't let you have water. In general, or sometimes at all. You wouldn't want to flush out the medication, I guess. That's the joke, ha ha? Anyway, I was in a lot of pain of some sort on the way to the hospital. They had no water on the way, except of course for the "salt water," and it wasn't really a joke they thought was funny either or else I would have noticed they were kidding about that. I asked the man in ambulance or transport vehicle, did anything weird just happen? "No, standard procedure." This isn't a situation anyone would think was interesting, I guess, is what he meant. He wanted to prick my finger, and I wondered why he would want to invade my personal space anymore than had already happened right there. It occurred to me later, that's standard procedure and he just asked, he didn't insist. Then I got to the ole dreaded Unity Hospital. There was a bunch of commotion, I was doing something with my mouth and my face and stuff to maintain sanity, I didn't say anything mean. There was something going on, I asked if they could at least release me, geez. A guy there told me, "Don't ask me what's going on, I'm dumb." I knew he meant there was something wrong with this situation, and he can't do anything about it. God, this situation was so annoying I don't even want to talk about it. So I got to the ole', umm, "seclusion" unit. And I'm expected to sleep with a bright light, in the middle of the day, in a room with only a little mattress. There is a private restroom and it is locked. They told me, "People have gotten very creative in the restroom." Anyway... But, well I didn't actually have to go to the restroom, I needed nicotine, at least. People pass the room, and no one will help you. And, there is no call button. It came up at one point, "You were supposed to wave at the cameras." No, that doesn't work, and they are not looking, either. After awhile, they put a piece of paper over the window, because they couldn't stand being reminded that someone was in the room. I was trying to, you know, regain the will to live, this time. I was there for suicide. So, to keep myself from... I don't know. Losing my mind, I guess. I resorted to our power chant, "What are we doing, 8312? What are we doing, 8312?" This is a reference to a couple things, one of them a dream I had early on when the conscious part of the mission started, it is a reference to early spell work but actually in this dream it was a protest rally chant. That person who put the paper there was offended, and they came and told me. I didn't know what they meant. "You insulted someone." I looked at them bewildered. "What did I say?" Oh... "You forgot a part," said the guides. I was supposed to drink the water like a baby with someone holding the "sippy cup." I didn't do it, but they held it to my mouth for a second. I forgot that part, and I didn't like that part. So, anyway, I have my voice to keep me company here, so I did thinks like, "Excuse me, passerby." I liked "excuse my, passerby." Just an exercise in saying words in a rhythmic fashion. Well, in Unity Hospital's defense though, you're not supposed to do anything in this particular place besides sleep. And I am incapable of sleeping with a bright light on me, or... It's really uncomfortable. I just went through the worst experience of my life, can I at least have the comfort of lying down, letting my brain relax and sleep come over me, can I at least have that comfort? No, because there is a blaring light. We don't want you to bang your head against the wall, I wouldn't do that, but they are not going to take any fucking chances in this setting, none at all! And no, the walls aren't padded, just pointing that out. Eventually, they forced Zyprexa on me, and I didn't sleep. Then... Uhh.. I didn't sleep and the next morning, the nurse came with my nicotine... Which was the lozenge. You know, I enjoy chewing nicotine gum, I like the way it makes me think and feel, and holding a lozenge on my tongue does not do the same thing. I didn't take it, and I wasn't mean, I just pointed out I'll wait for the gum (if I take the lozenge the gum would be a nevermind). And... The nurse never came back. Well, not till like the end of the day, and I said something (I don't remember the exact quote) and called her "Mommy." And she looked upset, and the joke I made in my head was that I squashed that woman's dreams of being a mommy someday. I was supposed to think of that situation, first. I don't remember sleeping at all in this setting, and I was here for maybe two days? If I slept at all, it wasn't quality sleep. I pissed on the floor, a safe distance from my bed, because I'm not going to deal with their shenanigans while holding my bladder thank you very much. I told them sincerely, "I feel like I'm being treated like I'm subhuman here, but it's okay I'm used to it." And they went and got Kayla to second guess my sincerity here. And she was upset that I was refusing their "care," which was the dopamine blockers. Oh, their "loving care." Then, right away I was moved to the Pez, where you have to sit around for awhile... Oh, I remember what happened. Kayla said something about my "aggression," which you know I don't have aggression, so I said something... (it wasn't aggression that was happening at the hospital, just a general reference to things I might be experiencing). Anyway, I started to interrupt, she said "hey, you interrupted me," and I stopped and let her talk. And she said, "You know what I noticed. I noticed you listened, and that's something new." The thing about that was, that's not something new, and I know at least my family knows this, the old passing the ball back and forth is hard for me, so I get mad when they interrupt, and say "oh there I did it excuse me." I lose my train of thought when I'm interrupted, I might not even be able to remember what I was saying, and the thing is they've had more practice, but this isn't a competition either, in this situation, conversations, we are trying to reach an understanding. Anyway, when I arrived to the Pez and a calm room opened up like I predicted, and Kayla left... I told someone about Kayla's assumption, and he said, "Oh, did she... Thank you for pointing that out." I thought that might not have been Kayla's first offense. So, here I was at the Pez now, the next disgusting holding place.

Smooth Sailin'

The ironic thing about my life was that the defining moment of my childhood happened the summer before third grade, in Indiana, on a subconscious level. That's when they spirits finally gave up the game they were playing, and told me what "the catch" was to my promised wonderful life story. After we moved, I wouldn't talk to anyone at the new school (It also came up later, "you will appear crudely drawn." "Huh?" "Like a stick figure." "What?" "Stick figure." of course, that made no sense to me at all, how weird. They meant they were doing something to my aura to make it appear weak, so people wouldn't want to pick on me). Anyway... I was embarrassed, that was a situation I didn't even think of. The only two things I could think of, were homelessness which made no sense, and headgear. That's the subconscious mind of a little kid for you. They told me this in my sleep, and then said, "Let it process." And the joke was smooth sailin', of course, to point out this transition is smoother than you would expect, from excitement on moving to a new house, to horrible rancid disappointment. It almost seemed like I new that was happening, which makes no sense, I know, but it's true. The dream I had, there was the number 8, to represent age 8, and me dancing as Ruffapalooza or whater that weird kid character I saw one time on Nick at Night as a kid was called. It looked like I was doing aerobics by myself, which was a reference to us as kids (my friends, Patty, Debi, and Kristen) thinking doing aerobic exercise like what would you call it? Jazzercise, I guess, looked stupid and dumb. Then... Age 16. Ruffapalooza drinking alcohol. Then... Age 23. Ruffapalooza on the street, getting high on heroin. It was a nightmare that didn't seem to go anywhere at all. That's why I call it a nightmare that lacked emphasis. Actually, clearly, that situation made no sense, so.. I remember it though, is the thing, it came up recently, in discussion with Ian. Actually, the psyche seemed to be reexamining the processing of that particular nightmare or annoying dream, on a level when the psyche is older and better developed. It was during the day though, was the thing. It kept coming up randomly in my head. What was the other issue that maybe needed therapy? Actually, nothing needed therapy was the thing, except for my dad's tickling of me. Patty and how she insisted on us watching Maury, as the four of us kids were falling apart. No playing kid games. We were growing up, so Patty insisted on us watching Maury.

Birthdays

Yes, Jason Wuestawald. It bothers me so fucking much when I don't get birthday presents. It burns me the fuck up. That is the bane of my existence not getting birthday presents. I never get them anyway. And I don't care. Shut the fuck up. Jason Wuestawald. I would not care if no one remembered my birthday. It's just another day on the calendar.

What was the 6th grade dream classic?

Well I did have some sort of naked dream one time. And it was about developing breasts, said Sunday. I also had this dream that was ever so magical and I don't really remember now.. I was in the back yard of my house, I had a bucket and dumped the water on the ground. It turned into a swimming pool, full of people! But, I couldn't take my clothes off and get in, I wanted to swim, in a bathing suit obviously. I could not get my clothes off. I took them off, and then they were back on. Then what? There was also a reoccurring dream that was annoying me or maybe not, where everyone else wanted to live in my house, but they knew more about it than me and it was annoying that they knew more about my house than I did.

The Work Achieved at "Intensive" Transition

Well, it was okay. For you know, stuff being a hell of a lot better than before. No, that was after... Off Geodon here. We found a new drug, the chew, which seemed to work. However... I don't like that stuff anymore, thank you very much. I gained "nicotine gum" priviledges at this place. That's one thing that happened. That was the right decision at the time, for the ole... Problem. Which was, learning to socialize and have family fun here. So we were family, at Intensive Transition, and that was the fun part. Also... For the love of Jesus... If someone smokes, talking about the little family here, let them have enough allowance to last the entire week, okay. In general, stop. Stop. (Subbie) What was I supposed to be doing here, other than that though? Addressing the right emotional problem. I don't know. I didn't think it was a mental illness. What else happened? Wow, that place was so fucking expensive it was awfully ridiculous... like, what was it again? "We are spending 11,000 every month, for this living environment." I LEARNED here, didn't I? I learned to take the money/parental situation for granted right at that moment. I thought that would be excusible, givin the circumstances. There was... an hour of therapy with a therapist or MSW, and, maybe decent therapist, because it's hard. Oh. I stopped taking life seriously RIGHT then. There were other occurences too. I told you not to throw the money away, I'm trying to be patient. Why did it cost that much? I don't know why. It went to insurance, I guess.

Personal Unconscious Story B

It's this woman running around, getting everything ready for her children's party. She's rushing around, "So much to do, oh, so much to do... This, this this... This, this and this... So much to do, oh they are going to love this, they love this in the party, they need this... oh, so much fun..." And then you look at a table, there are four empty places, and you realize this woman does not have any children at all. It reminds me of the scene in Beauty and the Beast, "Be My Guest."

"We Can Tell By Looking" or "What You Care About Is Looking The Part"

I've been told, by my sources, "If Rachel isn't wearing makeup she isn't functioning well." That's one thing, or one of the myths in my parent's minds. What's the other one? Well, showering and hygiene, obviously. With my lifestyle, sometimes showering gets neglected. GASP! That's an old story, though. Anyway... What's my point? I don't "love Febreeze" for one, I heard that comment when I asked for the bathroom to be Febreezed. Actually, I would do it myself if I had my old "magic" Febreeze scent, so instead I have to deal with the house flowery yuck smell in the bathroom. What's the issue at hand? Well, in this living environment, I wasn't going to point it out on the internet because I thought that was an issue that person wouldn't want to be embarrassed about, but... God, someone has horrible BO here... I'm usually not picky unless it smells like THAT. I'm not trying to be mean... Yeah, I know I smelled a second ago.. That's why I'm taking a shower. I am trying to function, and I can't deal with THAT particular BO smell all over the upstairs, in both bathrooms, everywhere. What's my other point? "You and your secret mission." Is what no one said out loud, or something I am thinking some people might be thinking here. When I ask for a change, don't do the opposite just to spite me because you don't believe in a mission. Don't ask about nicotine. And don't insist on Circadian rhythm conformity. "Well, what you probably care about is looking wonderful every single second, so..." That's not true. I can look like shit for a bit and I don't care. So don't judge my functioning by my hygiene/makeup use, all the time. Also, my ability to function might be taken into question if I'm not able to properly apply eyeliner, is another thought. NOT APPLYING EYELINER WELL! Well, that's a dink on your record, isn't it? You are supposed to be able to apply that fucking eyeliner correcty, yes it's the best brand I decided, but I'm wondering if I should throw it out now even though there is plenty left and buy a whole new tub just so it... Anyway, you get the idea. The other thought? "You love Febreeze." When the hell do I ever use Febreeze? Actually, I had that one scent of Febreeze, and I don't know where it is anymore. Why? I moved and they moved my stuff for me and it wasn't there. So again, it might come down to, "Rachel we hate that Fish Out of Water Psychology story just SO FUCKING MUCH..." First you had to live through it. Then you had to sit still for awhile and rest to prevent mental breakdown due to too much stress. And then it comes back down to the Febreeze. No, I don't love Febreeze okay. Some people in the house just need to shower, is all. Just trying to function. Not trying to make a point. Well, actually I am, yes. I'm not trying to make a point that I'm better than everyone else, that's not my point. My point is stop.

Well, you were supposed to make use of the FIRST treatment center, Rachel

What did I do wrong? You were supposed to make use of the therapy system at the first treatment center. Why didn't I? I was supposed to bring up the right issue in therapy. What was that? I was supposed to know what the issue that needed to be addressed that would convince me that medication was necessary. Except, there was no reason to believe I needed medication at all. But there was, because my parents said so, and the doctors always say so when your diagnosis is schizoaffective. Stop acting like the medication wasn't helping, Rachel. Well, I didn't believe it was. SO SUE ME! SO SUE ME! THE MEDICATION WASN'T... Helping. Let's just say that. It wasn't helping. Why would I think it helped? Well, for one, what was the problem? That first time you became delusional Rachel, duh! Well, I didn't believe that was a problem, it was just my parents who decided to secure a guardianship for that reason. So it was a problem for that reason. So the reason the first delusional issue was a problem, was because your parents might secure ANOTHER guardianship over you if you don't... So, take your medication, that always prevents weird things from happening, just take our word for it Rachel, we don't trust anything at all you have to say about the issue, we will ALWAYS tell you you are lying if you say the medication wasn't helping, and we will ALWAYS assume you weren't taking the medication if anything weird is going on at all while you are on medication. We will say that no matter what Rachel. You weren't on your medication, that's why that happened. We ignore whatever you say about the situation. Also, I was supposed to address the right issue in therapy. What was the right issue? Positive self talk. I was supposed to address the right issue and it was positive self talk. That will solve all your problems, Rachel. If you just talk about your problem with positive self-talk in therapy. Also? You were supposed to address the fourth grade issue, which was that I was too stupid to make conversation with my peers. Why are you so stupid you can't talk to people, Rachel? Well, that changed all of a sudden at Innercept for no reason... Also, back to positive self-talk. My spirit guides fixed the problem with freaking out all the time, I don't do that anymore see? Anyway, what did you forget to do at the first treatment center? Accept the medication helps. That is all. It helped because we said so. That's the only thing I ever hear about the situation, ever. It helps, take our word for it...

As Requested by Ian, the Infamous "Clover" Story

This is a story that makes me uncomfortable... And... I don't know, here's the story already. I'm opening up, as requested by many as a staple, the "Clover" story. Well, as everyone already knows, maybe, I would think? Spirits moniter my thoughts. Sound crazy? I said spirits, not humans. How do you know what is possible? Yes, and I believe it too, and it makes you uncomfortable, but after years and years... I stopped caring, because everything I thought was always fine and dandy, and I used my own judgement here, with coaching and stuff from spirits who helped me understand what "intelligent kid stuff" was, and also help me frame sort of embarrassing stuff in a new light. Yeah, that was sort of a funny thing to say/think, wasn't it? And, obviously, they do this while recovering from biochemical damage from Adderall, which causes dopamine deficiencies to build up in the mind around "ideas," and at first, pretty much anything could potentially be a dark spot. And there was no peace, at first. And then, just when you thought you were safe... HEY new spirit friend! Welcome to Rachel's mind! Actually, as I was told, most people, when they get older, are in retrospect embarrassed by the times they were mean, not the times they were goody-two shoes nice. And as I looked back, on remembered thoughts, there was nothing mean! Except that one time in fifth grade, and... And... So, the story is, and remember this is embarrassing, but hey... When we were in sixth grade, we had Japanese exchange students stay at our house. We were at a picnic with them one time, and one of them pointed out that in Japan, a four leaf clover was lucky. I remember no one pointed out that that's the same in America, and that's something I'm thinking about right now. I made fun of her in my mind for not knowing that and looking dumb. And it was something I was thinking at the time, the adults wouldn't make fun of her for not knowing that, but I will. I WILL! MUAHHAHHA!! I got caught up on that, when the spirits watching... That was so mean that means I'm not perfect! WAHH!! And my guides said, now now. There is a reason regarding "mass consciousness" and WWII Americans still have underlying animosity towards the Japanese. Even though you didn't know that on a conscious level at the time. And... remember in first grade, you had a strange dream you don't remember now about a leprechaun and a clover and it made you feel weird. I remembered this, it was so long ago I didn't remember what the dream was, it just made me feel weird. "That was preparation for the clover incident." They could have been kidding though, is the thing. They would have made that joke if there was a coincidence like that, they are "joking spirits," but you never know. That's why I can't get emotionally close to anyone at all. To get close to people, you have to share things about yourself that you yourself find interesting... And all the things are like this clover story, or in some way weird as fuck and make people angry because they are so unusual. You never know, maybe you'll open up to the right person but... Nah, that task is impossible. That's why I know I did the right thing not making more of an effort to get close to people. What's the right word here? Let's just go with weird. Everything I have to say is so fucking weird, so fuck it. Not that I'm kidding about anything, just saying.

"Oh, She's an Attention..." Does Not Compute, No I Wouldn't Assume Any Relevance

There's a thought that's come up in my mind before, that I wouldn't address because it's a sick issue if it had any bearing to the situation at hand, which is my life. Actually, it came up as a joke in my original "episode"... "She's an attention whore... She's an attention whore... Actually, maybe she's starving for attention." That's the jist of it, it came up a little wordier than that. So, this is a "just in case" blog, not that I would really assume attention whore is an issue in any one's mind, when it comes to me. When do I ever get compliments of any sort? Almost never, it's incredibly rare. Maybe once a year. I sit in a hollow box with my guides and Ian all the time, not fragments of my imagination like the world thinks, real entities that cannot be seen. Where does the concept of "attention whore" come up in society? Actually, it comes up with pre-teen women, when they wear revealing clothing to grab the attention of men, not understanding that they are not ready for sex yet. And that's where the concept ends, after that, the term "attention whore" in my mind, has no other value in society. No, no one gives me compliments ever, it's just put-downs, and it's come up before that it might have made a difference, at vital times, like I said. I state this matter of factly. I wouldn't assume "attention whore" is a relevant term to me, because if it is, it's kind of like calling the starving children of Africa fucking fatasses. I told Hector one time, I requested a drawing from him, on a completely different note here... of me surrounded by pieces of string with little rolled up pieces of paper attached to them, prayers. He didn't draw it, that was probably too much of a challenge anyway... And like always, everything goes back to "that one time at Unity Hospital." They put me in a room, locked, bright lights, little mattress, nothing to use for fun except my own voice. Later, I let it slide that the doctor told me I was screaming for three hours, no I wasn't, I was singing. Then, right before they came in, I started exercising my vocal cords because I know that I have weak vocal cords that need strengthening. Of course in this situation, I would have to be an idiot not to know that yes, they DO have audio recordings in these places, don't ask the doctor, she's not going to be honest about that. What happens in this situation... As I talk to the people passing by the room, each time someone passes, they put a little sticky note or piece of paper over the little window there. Just a small piece of paper, each time someone passes, a new sticky note. Like the rolled up pieces of paper, the prayers of the people counting on me. This thought occurs to me, and I can't help but think of those little sticky notes as prayers.

Not UNITY!!! (Actually, that's not the current issue, but...)

Something I figured out, which... My mom said was sad. Going to the hospital is a substitute for vacations in my life. I'm not going to the hospital ever again though, and that's been decided. I don't say, hey I need a vacation let's go to the hospital... That just prevents me from building up a "change of scenery" debt. My guides made a joke, "We wanted to tell her, we think her beaded ornaments in the Curio cabinet ego construct is sad." And yeah, that's something I think too, but I'm not going to say anything about that. That happened, I screamed about it in the bath tub when my psyche was enraged, and then I thought... There's some reason that seems normal to think that though. Actually, this is a comment that I would normally let slide, Subbie pointed out it annoyed the psyche a lot. Don't point at a situation in my life and say it's sad, I'm trying to talk down things that are depressing and focus on the sunny side of everything. One thing to say, when I think about it that's downright misleading. What's it like going to the hospital? Depends on the time. Don't assume it's always depressing. Yes, going to the hospital in Idaho was sad, definitely, the couple times I did it in 2009. There's some reason I wouldn't say I'm happier outside the hospital than inside the hospital. Usually, yes, but... Maybe I'm just thinking about that depressing situation I went through earlier this year, and 2021 though... This situation is all over the map, but what I would say is it switches up the firing of the neurons, and neuron firing is what makes things fun. Let's talk about this one time though, at Unity Hospital. And it also occurs to me, with a "oh God no please don't tell me this was the same visit," this might have been one of the times I purposely got sent to the hospital when I thought it was time for the "Hospital Showdown," a situation that happened exactly twice when there was no other reason to go. Was this the same time? I'm not sure, and let's leave it at that, but we had to "err on the side of caution and stay an extra week." What did I do for that week? Stare at the clock, waiting for mealtime to roll around (the food was bad too). Not because I had an obsessive interest in food at the time, that was the only thing I had the emotional energy to do there at the time. There was stuff I wanted to do outside of there. I told them this, screamed this at them, but they stuck with the excuse that I wasn't quite ready to leave. Don't do this to people, folks. Please, let the patient have at least some sort of fucking slight amount of say in their own care. Stop forcing me to do stupid things. So, that was that one time at Unity. Usually, I'm occupied and a lot of times, as we say, "Busy Lizzy." I'm usually busy doing things, it's usually fun, always looking forward to getting out though, but it's not a given that I will be happier the second I leave. The joke about my life is that I'm beating the game Earth. It's not even a joke that my life has the psychological pleasure of a computer game, however... It's been a long time since I've played a computer game I really enjoyed, just pointing that out. Ian says, "SHUT THE FUCK UP RACHEL!" The spirits keep me very psychologically stimulated, and usually there are a whole bunch of interesting social situations at the hospital, or at least lately. I don't like the part where I am forced to go to the hospital, though. It's really not that bad, but we are also done with hospitalizations, so... The thing that's depressing is that excessive numbers of hospitalizations might be held against you, at some point.

Aggravating Psychological Factor B: Shut Up Kimberly

What was the new aggravating psychological factor added last night? Well, after addressing the issue at hand with the closed Klonopin time window (I opened up to the doctor about something and I ended up getting the opposite of what I was asking for! I already don't open up about anything at all!), I went to get a Klonopin last night at a reasonable hour and Kimberly had made a documentation error that would have normally prevented me from getting one, but the staff said, "I'm giving it to you anyway, if they have a problem with it they can kiss my ass." Yes, after Innercept "didn't work," we got stuck with the podunk treatment center, I know that about the situation. My spirit guides are annoyed with a different issue regarding Kimberly. Did the nicotine gum work last time? Did the nicotine gum work last time? I told her just mark down yes every time. This is a moral dilemma that makes me sick but I'm not supposed to bug other people about moral issues when I lie to my very own parents about alcohol. What if you marked yes one time, and it was the one time it didn't work? Or you couldn't tell them you ask every single time with a straight face? This is not me having a fucking ego crisis this is the advice of my spirit guides. Do not grab at my attention to remind me, and make me verbalize, the nicotine works. I have differences in attention than others, and differences in conversation/verbalization psychology. Normally I would just lie and say no, it didn't work, but then I have to worry about how they will stop giving it to me if it stopped working. Stop having an attitude about how you think I have a fucking ego problem. You could think it was the stupidest thing in the world and I wouldn't give a fuck as long as you don't ask that question. I am trying to wean off. What's the issue? Sometimes, the brain sends a signal for nicotine and I have to hear the signal, is what my guides are telling me right this second. I didn't even know that until now. That fucks with our system. Leave the question alone. I don't even understand what that question means because I don't know what a nicotine craving even is. What does that mean? I don't know what it means when I'm having a nicotine craving. I don't know. But I do need it sometimes, and I'm trying to stop. What is a nicotine craving? Beats me. But yes, if I don't get it enough, something bad will happen to my brain functioning. It might make me act obnoxious in a way I can't control, maybe. That's one thing... I could elaborate but maybe you get the picture. The other thing is, nicotine gum never "stops working." You just gradually stop chewing it. The other thing is... I was astounded one time by the half-ass job Kimberly did wiping down the coffee table. That is all.

Thomas the Menace: A Work of Fiction

Thomas the Menace was always grinning. There was something weird about that situation. It was a look of tension, if you looked closely. The other thing about his smile is that he smiled inappropriately, even when he wasn't happy. He wore a scarf around his neck which he told everyone was to "cover bulletwounds." This story made his parents frown, but they left it alone. If he wanted to wear a scarf around his neck, it was his own business. Except, family kept commenting about how goofy this situation was. "You know, if Thomas wants to be a part of society, he should at least think about how that situation looks to others. Would it be so horrible if he at least took off the scarf? We're getting sick of it, and we would rather look at bullet wounds than THAT annoying piece of cloth..." So one day his parents sat down with him. "You're annoying people with the scarf, Thomas. You either take off the scarf yourself, or we will." He didn't say anything, but his face frowned, went blank, and his eyes widened. "Sure, okay." His mom grabbed the scarf and ripped it off. His parents both gasped. Underneath the scarf, there was a tiny razorblade in his neck, held in place by two pieces of string, attached to his ears. "For the love of GOD, Thomas, that's disgusting..." "I wouldn't do that, if I were you," Thomas said. His mom removed the knife, and it was over in a second. Thomas fell down in a pool of blood, dead on the scene. After years of therapy, his parent's finally accepted what the therapist kept repeating to them about the situation: "What would anyone do in that situation? If you see a knife in someone's throat, you remove it. You do that every single time, no exceptions. Everyone would. Point-blank, end of discussion."