Predictable Things

By Rachel Zuhl


How many onions do you want in your mouth?

None.

I am going to give you the predictable number of onions for your mouth. Five.

But I want none.

No. If you say none, you will eventually want one an a half to last you the rest of all of eternity.

But I don't like onions.

No, but you are a kid. You will eventually develop a taste for onions. So, five.

Okay Mommy!

Away From The Sun: The Last Hour Before Redemption

I feel spent, I feel like shit. I feel like I need a chi infusion.

Alas, I am waning. I feel that my ego has already diminished to nothing, and that's not the problem...

My head hurts, and it has something wrong with it. It's not working properly!

I make a point of feeding the bloodstream sugar, and that helps, but it doesn't bring me some sort of relief caused by the mundane.

I need to make my head glow, to prepare my body for the livid situation, and to make do with some sort of relievable inquiry into the great beyond!

Where am I? I am in a crisis center in North Portland, doing my time is not it, I asked to come here!

I told my mother, "Hey, I feel like I am Jesus about to reach enlightenment!" And she took me into the hospital.

Now I wait.

My Mom's Therapist: Reinforcing Disjunct Thought Processes

I remember the time I asked to go with my mom to a therapy session.

I went in, and talked to the therapist alone for a couple minutes. I explained how I thought my mom was controlling, how she takes away and locks up my ID.

When my mom came back in, she made an innocuous comment about something she did the other day regarding paperwork. This prompted an emotional outburst from the therapist!

"Now does that sound controlling to you, Rachel?!"

She interjected with this statement. At this point I disengage, and wait for the session to be over to say goodbye. Meaning, I stop trying to get through.

I came in willingly to discuss my problems with my parents as guardians.

An emotional weakness for paperwork is not a trait I'd want in a guardian.

Especially since there is a spiritual reason I am not supposed to give a shit about this issue.

My parents wasted their life savings on Innercept. Every step of the way, every chance I got when staff members were out of ear shot at Innercept on the phone, I told them they were wasting their money. What I hear from my mom is, "RACHEL, YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!"

So they wasted their entire life savings against my better judgment. I am not responsible for any emotional issues my mom has regarding money now, she brought those on herself. I am not going to cater to my mom's emotional problems.

An emotional issue with paperwork is not a trait I'd want in a guardian.

The Time I Tried To Be A Vegetarian

One time, shortly after I got home from Innercept, I tried to give vegetarianism a try. I thought, hey, I might lose weight... And I might feel great!

I had big dreams, big dreams about what my life might be like as a vegetarian. All those dreams turned into... A rainbow in an oil spill on the ground!!!

DUN DUN DUN!!!!

So, I did it the right way. I bought soy patties and black bean burger patties, and mixed one of each into an epic salad.

The only problem with this epic salad was.... There was no meat!!

DUN DUN DUN!!!

I ate plenty of complete protein, and protein in general... At subway, I got the egg sub.

After a week of going downhill emotionally, I woke up one morning feeling VIOLENT!!!


DUN DUN DUN!!!

I felt like I would rip off the heads and attack anyone who looked at me funny, or talked to me, or did anything at all! I was so irritable I couldn't even believe it!!

I've never moved so fast in my life! I ran downstairs, grabbed a package of black forest ham from the fridge, and ate until the irritability went away.

I vowed, from now on, I will eat meat at every meal.

It turns out, I am on a spiritual plane that requires my body eat meat. In fact, I will die if I don't eat meat. Spiritual planes are a spiritual thing, related to how your body functions, how your mind functions, and how your spirit functions... it determines nutrient needs and stuff like that. And on the ones I'm on, I always. ALWAYS. Need to eat meat.

That's why I say, fuck you militant vegans!! I need to eat meat to live!!!

And that's that.

Rachel Got Nothing Out of Innercept Therapy, Luckily She Performed Therapy on Herself!

So here we are. In the house of Zuhl, everyone looks at the daughter Rachel.

THERAPY!!!! Mike Zuhl calls out.

THERAPY!!! Bev Zuhl calls out.

So they send Rachel away to North Idaho to be put into therapy.

They waste a whole lot of money and Rachel gets nothing out of it, because she doesn't know how to do therapy.

Well, now in 2017, Rachel performed therapy on herself! And she discovered the root cause of some of her issues.

How am I supposed to know how to do therapy? What do I do? This is a mystery. They expected me to intuitively "know" how to "do" therapy. I was not given any help at all.

I don't need help, but arguably, there are kinks and bugs to work out. Kinks and bugs.

So what helped? Rachel working on herself! And now that Rachel worked on herself, and she reached the root cause of some of her issues... There is no one to talk them out further with!

Because her parents spent all their money on bogus therapy.

Gun Violence: The Real Cause

So why are there so many shootings in the United States of America?

Well, there are a lot of factors. One factor is, video games and television. Violence in American movies and on TV popularizes the idea that guns are cool.

However, that's not the real cause of violence. The real cause is the American Dream.



So, why is there so much violence in schools? The real reason is, snobbery.

Kids picking on other kids. The reason is, they look at other kids, don't like their dress... pick on them for what they wear.

"When a kid gets bullied and shoots up his school and they blame it on Marilyn, or the heroine, where were the parents at? Now look where it's at. Mental America, NOW it's a tragedy..."

This is a line from the Eminem song The Way I Am. So, are the bullies at fault for school shootings? The real answer is no, but there is some argument to be made. Every day, they are picked on about something they don't value. The price of their clothes. So, after awhile, they think, hey, you know what else you value that I don't? SAFETY! The kid says, I am suicidally depressed. What sounds like fun to me? Hunting you down and blowing your brains out!

And it's my advice that if you are thinking this, or this is your reasoning... Please don't do it. Remove yourself from the situation instead.

So, what is the problem here? Classism! In America, kids are picked on for the way they dress. If kids could just learn to live with the fact that some people don't dress the same way, then maybe we could prevent school shootings.

AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!!

Why Parents are Great(My Take on Unconditional Love)

From the second you come out of the birth canal, your fate is clear - your parents own you.

If there was ever a more delightful predicament, I wouldn't know it.

The idea in your mind is, your parents love you. And everyone is dazzled by this concept - unconditional love.

Well, personally, I'm not weak in the way that I need to have love be unconditional. You can have conditional love, where you are loved unless you do something you would never do. And this is conditional love.

What most people think is, they have to stay on the straight and narrow to be loved.

It's kind of like that Johnny Cash song, Walk the line. Maybe that's relationship love and this is parental love.

(Don't pray for the rambling ness of this post, I am already crazy and dead at the same time)

Anyway, people who need unconditional love, the kind of people who insist upon unconditional love, are they kind of people who are either lazy or unlovable. They are inevitably going to do something that will piss off their partner, and want their love to be their no matter what.

Here's how it works...

Would you love me if you knew this about me?

Yes.

Would you love me if you knew this about me?

Yes.

Would you still love me if you knew I think mean things about other people?

Yes.

Yes! Yes you would! The basic premise of unconditional love is, you are unlovable, by all but the person who loves everything about you without being told.


Unconditional love is for the unlovable.

We will not revisit this topic later, so if you didn't get the point of this post, you failed.

Very good, Amanda!