Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 15

Well? Alfred said to me. When will you understand, you are not my friend, you are my close companion?

I don't understand the question.

You need help from me, sweetie. Alfred said. We need help in the field of making fun of your friend Austin. He is a nitwit. He likes you, sure, but he also likes reefer. Do not understand why I say this, but... You are good enough for him!

Please, I don't like him in that way.

Sure you don't, but I understand things a little bit better than you do... I know how long it takes to strive for the top of the ladder, now don't I? You were not my girlfriend last year this time, another bitch was. Why do you ask? Why do you ask if you are my girlfriend or not?

I did not ask, I already know. I am.

Please, You are a good girl, but don't take this the wrong way... You are a little on the pudgy side, okay? There, I said it, phewww... He blew out some air and started playing Solitaire.

When will we understand what I am doing in the world? When do I know how to make an impression?

I can show you how to make an impression, girly whirl, I can show you that right now... He showed me himself wearing a thong and a bikini top. Then, he showed himself taking off the thong, taking off the bikini top, and dancing on stage, completely naked. Then, he showed himself walking around in public with a miniskirt and tank top, rolling a joint and smoking. That's how you make an impression.

I think that's a bad impression. I wanted to make a good impression.

You'll find that out, sooner or later, said Alfred. For now, we need to go to the store and buy watermelon! You need watermelon! It is good for your digestive tract! And he did a watermelon animation.

When we got back from the store, I wrote a facebook status about myself, and watched as no one liked it. Ever since I had gotten good at facebook, no one liked my statuses anymore. I did not wonder about this. I understood. I was too good. They were intimidated. People always liked my dumbfuck statuses, but not my really good statuses.

Alfred did an animation for me. A girl, watching herself in the mirror. Then, a hook comes out of the sky, and pulls her up to Mars, where she becomes ruler of her own tribe of Martians.

Lust after me, Sugar Plum. Lust after me, Alfred said to me.

Ever since the incident with the flowers, I hadn't stopped lusting. I continued to do it, for the shear pleasure of it. It was very satisfying, rolling on the bed in lust of Alfred. I wanted to do it all day long.

Lust, or your mind will become one with itself in a sincere and thoughtless fashion.

I rolled around the bed in lust of Alfred, for awhile. After awhile, he would tell me, okay, okay, I've had my fill! When I did this, I sent him sweet, sweet energy. When it got too intense, because of the anxiety in it, he wanted me to stop.

Sure, it created cords. I just had to keep removing them. They weren't as bad, after the first batch of cords. They affected my vision somewhat, but not as freakily as it was when we first started. We referred to this distorted emotional input from the objects as “wonk.” “Well, that's looking a bit wonky right there! Time to remove some cords!” And then I would breathe deeply, and remove the cord from my body.

They told me something else about these cords. They drain a force called transgressionary life force. This was a force that was absolutely vital to keeping someone alive. If I were to not remove the cords, and walk around with these cords attached, I would eventually keel over and die, with no discernible cause of death.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 14

Why don't you tell me how cute I am, Sugar Plum? Alfred told me one night.

Ooh! How cute! You are adorable, Alfred. To me, you are like a little baby bee. I love little baby bees! They are so furry and adorable!

Why don't you say it again?

Widdow baby bee, sitting in a tree, gives me a kiss and he he he!

Keep going, baby gjrl, keep going...

Widdow baby bee, sitting next to me, loving everything I do, that's him and me!

What else do you think of me?

I think you are sweet, and loving, and tender, and a little baby bee!

Now, come up here with me! He grabbed for my arm, he pretended to pull me up to heaven, and I sat next to him and hummed a soft baby bee song.

This went on for quite awhile. Me oohing and ahhing over him, him loving it, and we were doing just fine, until he decided to do an animation for me.

Close your eyes. This is a good one.

There was a dog walking down the street with an owner walking it on a leash. They came up to the vet's office, took the dog to the counter, the dog hopped up on the counter. It was time to put the dog to sleep. They made an incision on the dog's stomach to harvest his organs and gave him a lethal injection.

The dog is going up to the light. The light darts around a little bit, avoiding the dog, and then the dog enters. As he does so, I got an intense pleasure sensation and breathed very deeply.

Wait, there's more. There's more!

The dog is up in heaven, and they are hosing off his silia. And then-

It's time to be reunited with his soul...

I got an intense pleasure sensation again which shocked me, I breathed very deeply and heard the words...

You're mine. Don't you ever forget that.

The vision was over. I started rolling around my bed in lust, without sending it to my soul.

Roll around on the floor. I like it better that way. Send the energy to him.

I started sending the desperate sexual energy to chance.

Wait for it, wait for it, he's going to send you a cord...

I feel a cord connect to my genitals. I start touching myself to try to get the cord deeper, and deeper, and deeper.

That's plenty deep! We don't want this cord that deep!

I stopped after awhile.

Okay, that was an intense cord. It means you will burn in lust whenever he caresses you.

I needed the energy, dumbfuck. I don't like it when you call me a little baby bee. Someone attacked me and drained my energy.

I was a bit embarrassed. I'm sorry. Are you okay now?

Let's do another visualization.

I turn off the light and lay back down on the bed. I see a man, walking a dog, holding a metal detector, looking for treasure. He finds a hole. Drops a bracelet in to test it's depth. Pours out his coffee inside the whole to test it's size. Then the whole starts growing upwards, consuming both of them. As it does so, I get this intense, dark, strong displeasure feeling. I curl up and breathe heavily in discomfort.

This is what you did to me, baby. The moment you started taking Adderall.

You're sorry? You mean it? Well then, show me! Don't show me, show him!

I start burning in lustful agony, and direct that energy at Chance.

Not on the couch on the floor!

I send Chance some more dark lustful energy.

Two can play that game!

He sends me a cord. I let it attach.

Okay, this is a very, very dark cord. It means he will take pleasure in your suffering.

Another one! Now!

I do it again, and he attaches another one.

Okay, this is another dark cord. It means you will be inept at saying no to his sexual advances.

That's not good enough for me baby, I want to make this as dark and dirty as possible.

I stew in lust again for Chance.

Two can play that game!

He attaches another cord.

Okay, this is another dark cord. It means he will he take out his sexual frustrations with you at inopportune times.

I went into the kitchen for a glass of water. I went in the computer room and drank deeply. My soul started complaining to me about everything he thought I'd done wrong in life.

Like with the teacher. Just make your move. Just talk to her! And you continue being sweet to me even though I cause you psychological damage!

He was mad. I still had a very dark feeling left over from what he had done to me, and it was growing. As he complained to me, I thought my soul had turned on me. He was just faking liking me for the energy I sent him when I thought sweet thoughts about him. To drain my precious life force. In reality, he despised me.

Bleed, bitch, bleed!

Okay, this is grandpa. He wasn't supposed to do that. We are not angry, we are mad as hell at him!

Bleed, bitch, bleed!

Okay, here's what's going on. Your soul is a very, very dark soul. We didn't know about this until JUST NOW! You are fine, the mission you are on is still in progress, but we have to get rid of him!

Oh no!

Melanini!

Okay, relax Salioness, calm down. CALM DOWN. That wasn't one of us. That was a spirit from a different spirit circle who didn't know what was going on. The “bleed, bitch, bleed...” that's not him! That's a dark spirit in the room! We did something to him to calm him down on the spiritual plane, he was being unruly. He doesn't mean what he is saying right now. He is being heavily medicated to calm him down.

Later on, Alfred calmed down, and apologized.

You and I are dark souls, Sugar Toots. You know you are dark, you always liked to play games as a kid with dark sexual situations. You know you get a kick out of that stuff, just like I do... I want this situation between chance and you to be as dark and dirty as possible, you know you want that too... We are okay, but if you want to be fruitful and multiply with me you better...

Be fruitful and multiply?

Damn translator! I meant get it on! There is a translator, see, everything we say goes through a translator... Anyway, I love you, always have, always will. We will be together until we split when we both move on to the next dimension. You and me, baby, we go way back. Now, I didn't mean anything I just said to you before this. I was being subdued, and they put me on heavy medication. They had to, because what I was doing was draining your energy and they were losing contact with you.

Really, it wasn't fun what he did to me, but it was no big deal. It didn't bother me that much. It made me feel really important, that it was that important they maintain constant contact with me.

We know where you are going in life and you are going great places. I just wanted you to know, I didn't like the baby bee game, I didn't like you treating me like I was your little child... But I needed the energy, see? It was something one bad soul did to me, they were mad for reasons you wouldn't understand, and they did the equivalent of a spiritual attack on me... The energy rebuilds by itself, but it was easier getting it from you than waiting for it to rebuild... Sugar Toots, don't worry about me, I love you, you are going to great places in life, you are going to get out of your parent's hair and make a living as a psychic medium... Now, why don't you give Maebelle a kiss for me, don't you? It means a lot to me that you still love me, now, bleed, bitch, bleed! I can't believe you believed that was me!

I went to bed that night, feeling good. It was a good night. I was embarrassed about getting into the baby bee game, but it was no big deal. I had Alfred, and he loved me, and I loved him, and that was all that mattered.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 13

I remembered a dream I had, one I described in an earlier book. In the dream, I was at a restaurant with a man, and some other people. It was a man I was involved with. I had been advised never to look this man directly in the eye. At one point, I turned and accidentally looked him straight in the eye. What I saw was that the whites of his eyes were yellow, and there was large dark spot in the middle of one of them, one that should not be there. I stood up and screamed. I started running away, and he started following me. I ran into a restroom, and he was looking at me through a window, moving his eyes around funny, and making animations for me. I had forgotten the part about the animations. Now, I remembered.

Something about that dream reminded me of my soul. Something about the energy. I asked God if this dream was about him.

“It is. Not just him, Brandon too. Two different life situations got meshed together.”

I thought, that explained it. I had had this dream freshman year of high school. It was so weird to think that such a powerful dream I had had such a long time ago was finally becoming important now.

Well, where do you think the rest of the time went? My guides asked me one evening.

I lost my friend Rachel, she was watching me from afar, she left me for my friend Robert, and he left her for Lauroona... my soul sang.

What is that guy's real name? My soul? I asked.

Alfred, Sugar Plum. My name is Alfred. My soul said. I laughed.

I thought he was joking. I didn't think he would really want me to call him Alfred. But then, after that, he insisted on being called Alfred.

What do you call a girl who never receives payment for her deeds? A worker of love. Alfred said. That's you, sweetie. You work hard everyday, doing energy work, believing in the power of the Holy Ghost, and then, you are left with nothing! Nothing! No-thing! And he did an animation of me withering away into nothing.

Why are you saying this? I asked Alfred.

You are never going to make it as a psychic unless you practice channeling without making a sound! He whispered, very quietly.

Well, I am on medication. I have to get off this god damn stuff and then I can channel like a normal person! I screamed.

Hahahaha! You're full of death feelings! You're meds prevent you from imagining outlandish things! He said sarcastically.

I laughed. That was funny.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 12

The next night, my secret lover and I were having a meeting. He met me in the computer room, ran around the room, and I caught him. We embraced. Then, he left. It was my duty to find him.

I looked around the house. He was invisible, so I couldn't see him. I felt the energy of each room, but still, I couldn't see him. I walked around aimlessly. I was having a good time, but somehow I was tired and longed to go to bed.

“Las-agna pan!” He said in my ear.

I went quickly to the kitchen to find him in front of the oven. He hugged me. He took my hand. “Let's have sex.” He said.

We went to the computer room, hand in hand, and I lay down on the floor. He got on top of me and we started having sex. He was not solid, but I could feel an energy shift in my vagina when he entered me. After a couple seconds, he stopped.

Why did you stop?

Oh, I was thinking about something else.

He was making fun of the fact that my mind had wandered at that moment.

After awhile he started again, and I tried to concentrate on the task at hand.

He slowed down again.

Oh, I forgot what I was doing.

Then he left me. He wasn't done, he was just tired. He was making fun of me because I was tired.

Baby, I want to show you something. Put your clothes back on. I want you to see me in the moonlight.

Take his hand.

I reached out for his hand.

You don't have his hand.

Geez, he couldn't even put his hand in my hand? Eventually, I found his hand. I took him out into the back where the stars were shining. He stood behind me, wrapped his arms around me. I could feel his arms wrap around me. Then he stood in front of me.

Baby, I want to tell you something.... You're me.

No, we're not. We are two separate people.

No, you're not. You're me. The one I'm being.

I felt devastation envelope me, with the thought of my soul not being real. Of him being a figment of my imagination. He was referencing something I used to do when I was five. I used to say to myself, over and over again, “I'm me, I'm me, the one I'm being...” It freaked me out a little bit in a certain odd way, because I couldn't quite grasp what “me” was.

No you're not baby, no you're not baby...

Yes, we are one and the same.

He is trying to tell you something. This is what he feels every time you say “you're me.”

Here, let me carry you inside.

He picked me up. I was still standing on the ground, but I felt like I was floating above the ground. He carried me inside. Put me down. Hugged me one last time. And then he was gone.

I thought the whole “you're me” thing was a bit on the cruel side, because I was already fearful that this guy was just a figment of my imagination. I worried about that quite a bit. He insisted that it was not cruel, he hated when I said, “you're me” because of the desperation and pain he felt, thinking that I wasn't real. That I didn't exist. That's how he felt every time I said that.

I talked to my grandma afterwards, the one on the other side. She told me this whole thing was not romantic, it was exotic, because he was on the other side and I was on Earth. I asked what she thought of me saying “I'm me,” as a child. She said she didn't know, there was a bit of controversy up there regarding how normal that was. Some said that was normal childhood banter, others said it was a tad bit advanced for me at that age.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled. I had a secret lover, one that my parents knew nothing about. This was happiness, it was too.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 11

When do you want to see your lover, Salioness? My guides asked me.

Sometime soon, when can I? I asked.

When you are done with your chores, they answered.

I quickly did my chores, and hung out in the computer room.

He is coming down, he is coming down... He's there! My guides told me.

I looked around the room. I didn't see anyone. When I looked at a certain place in the corner, my eyes became transfixed on something there. There was nothing there.

He's down there, go find him! I looked around. His arms touched me. They were warm, yet not solid. I put my arms around him. He put his arms around me. We were in love.

He lay down on the couch. I hovered over him. I looked down at his face. I didn't see anything, yet, somehow, I stared. Subconsciously, I could see a terrifying face. That's why I stared, a little scared but not that much. He got mad and left when this happened.

We think that's all for tonight, my guides said. We will let him come tomorrow.

After he left, I felt the pain of his absence. When he had been here, I hadn't fully appreciated it. Now that he was gone, I wanted him back here with me.

The next day, I was getting ready to go to dinner with my family. I was putting on my shoes, when he came up behind me and swept me off my feet. Not really, but the best you could do for not being solid. We waltzed in the kitchen, and he hugged me, and comforted me, and kept me company.

At the restaurant, we were sitting and waiting when he came up next to me and put his arm around me. When we were eating dinner, he came and freaked me out a little bit by touching me.

It was fun, because he was like my secret boyfriend. I loved him. I could not imagine life without him. It was interesting, how hard I had fallen for an unseen being so quickly.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 10

I was sitting on my bed, on facebook, when I heard a gweeking voice up in heaven.

“Gweek! Gweek! It's Guinea!” My dead guinea pig said to me.

Guinea? I said.

“The Porcupine Tree song would be good right now, the energy is right.” Guinea said.

How do you know? How do you know which song would be good?

“I have been watching your energy for awhile, and it is at about the right place that it is when the Porcupine Tree song is good.”

I jammed out to the Porcupine Tree song, ran around the house and did back flips. When I got back to my room, Guinea had something to say about the ghostly visitation we had one evening when she was new to the house.

“I was staring at the ceiling when it happened. The spirit that came into our room was very much alive, a cyclops with five hands. It tried to be inviting to me but instead it was just terrifying. It tried to tell me that Rachel cared so much about me she was going to kill me on purpose. And then it offered a basket a fruit.”

You were staring at the ceiling?

“Not really. I couldn't look up, remember?”

Guinea told me that guinea pigs are not too smart, but are heavily influenced by primordial knowledge. When Guinea saw squirrels outside, it activated memories from past lives, like the collective unconscious, of squirrels eating her flesh until she bled.

“Another thing that is dumb about being a guinea pig is that there are no fun things to do, ever. I hated everything you ever did with me, Rachel. Not really, but the videos with Barbie and stuff were very painful to make, putting me in the car hurt like heck! It would have been easier to make the car out of cardboard, and then make me a very small opening to choke myself out of the way instead of making me sit in a dumb plastic Barbie car.”

Another cat I knew from Italy, Old Milky, kept calling out to me, and telling me things about how I was doing.

My aunt Linda's cat Tiger Toes called out to me, to tell me she liked me. She didn't like me while I was alive, because I was mean. But she liked one thing about me. My energy. I always had good energy.

Clamor for Concerta, This is the Issue

What do I do with my time? Drugs?

Actually, I crave dopamine or fun or human interactions. Human interactions include word flows, also known as writing.

And we know, Rachel has a conversational handicap. YES. SHE. DOES. Get that through you f-ing minds, people.

As a side note, grabbing for my attention with words or door opening movements: Procede. With. Caution.

One solution to Rachel's conversational handicap is alcohol. No comedown. No bad space risk. Risk of loose lips, noticing I'm not sober, and maybe slight inhibition issues with a small but poignant tendency toward increased interest in sex.

MARIJUANA! EDIBLES! Does everything you want to do, calms the brain down, just makes me frisky sexually frustrated flirting with the mattress. Or wild worlds of fun, but flirt with the mattress one more time and I might grab someone and pull them down into it with me and they will cry. EDIT: Pull from a distance.

Concerta. Less interest in sex, more interest in putting words together. Enhanced well-being leads to relaxing with uncomfortable people and easier conversations in environments where the energy is terrible. Writing abilities enhanced. Increased interest in other people and interactions, with a tendency to isolate and picture read.

Meth. Best and worst option. Enhanced well-being, nothing to show for it, picture read all day and get skinny in one serving but happiness excells! Emptiness. Emptiness. Grab picture, empty, no increased interest in sex for Rachel.

Death: Why Not?

Reflections on death include first and foremost the deeply seated belief that I will die pretty soon.

I don't want to die right now. I want to procrastinate and procrastinate the death scene. I am enjoying being a celebrity even though no one tells me I am. I enjoy posting online, I enjoy conversations with spirit guides and all the radical topics that come up. I am having fun. When I'm not happy, I am struggling to function. There is no jarring sadness.

There is no question that I am on a God-ordained mission in my mind. No worries, legend status over time, with a finale that makes me stick around as a memory of the most important person ever, next to Jesus Christ. I have no worries that I will leave behind a distasteful memory of good ole Rachel Zuhl or Good ole Babylon.

I live entirely in the moment. However, even though I say that, I still crave some sort of "Grand Finale" to life. Maybe a marriage, a relationship, a happy social setting, a boyfriend (ha), or Jesus Christ returning. And I keep forgetting that Jesus Christ himself is scheduled to return sometime. I do not have access to the schedule and I will have to see it to believe it as well. Which is an annoying fact, I have the most faith out of everyone and even I will have to see Jesus Christ return to believe it is possible.

"There is no better feeling than completing a Conscious Mission.

That's what I look forward to, death, but I want to make the best of my time here. I am having a great time but it's also a constant struggle to keep sane.

Aaron: A Stands for [please stay] Away

Aaron was a dude who used to work at Pearl House. He left me feeling indifferent. That's how I feel about him except there are spells he keeps casting and they make me feel kind of Hugh, I mean, high, and fluttery. The spells feel nice and caring. They cast the allusion of caring.

Aaron is also African American.

You know, after the Black Power Brigade Debacle... Shit, I hope I didn't just light a racist fuse in America, looking at whatever that Coffee County news situation was and "arachnophobe." If that's the case, I sure am sorry I said anything about it on Facebook. That's all I did, mention a Black Power Brigade on Facebook. Yeah, so what?

Dude, if you asked me out I would say yes. And that's exactly how I felt about Jason too, see. If he asked me out, I would have said yes (prior to Woo Debacle). Dude, I don't know what to do. Are you just casting spells so you can come find me and say 'ha, ha!" I didn't push Christie and you know that. Everyone should know that or else I wouldn't have made the Black Power Brigade joke. The joke doesn't make any sense if I actually had pushed Christie. And I'm over that too.

Well, all is said and done. So, spells, yes. Then what? I have a couple pleasant memories of reading this guy's mind. He also had an attractive build, accurate pheromones and a face I have no recollection of, but I believe I would recognize him if I saw it again. So I say, why, the best option here is to apologize with a blow job for making a remark that could be seen as racist, and get in on camera because I like being in the limelight. But that's a joke too because I think my guides said one time sex tapes were bad publicity.

You are not ego observer. You just seem like the most jarring option of men in my mind due to a spell. Hey, want a BJ?

By the way, Biden I want to give you a BJ. Not really, but I would rather give you one then Donald Trump.

Which brings us back to the reason I'm not angry that Aaron got someone to cast a love spell. Also, he found a better witch than Donald Trump.

Tanner: A FUG (Fucking Ugly Gunk)

He's dumb. First he laughs his head off nervously whenever he's in my presence. Then he thinks I'm going to get attached to him because of his comment "fuck the police." Then, he tells me to commit suicide by taking a Trazadone.

Now, let's define the word dumb. It does not rhyme with gum. It sounds like numb, and it means nothing. Just wasted space.

Tanner is probably not his real name. I would imagine he would invent a pseudonym that reminded me of a beach bum because he looks like a surfer, and then he would be so so flattered that's a name I would remember when I'm only excited that he actually HAS a name I can REMEMBER!

REMEMBER RACHEL! You are posting a blog right now don't forget about Rebecca the movie!

Then, he won't let it go. Look dude, if you dropped topic, I would stop hating you for your stupidity and mind my own business, look here dude. He has to dress in a pink tutu to work and wear the words "Sugar and Spice" on a shirt. That was an inside joke between Jason and I as we converse after he is dead, that was the funniest part of the email diatribe.

I told him off for it, in a special way that you just had to be there to enjoy. Then, he wears a lucky charms shirt. Ooh, this guy must think he is getting lucky. Now, 11/11 as a birthday is a universal symbol of good luck. A Lucky Charms shirt represents getting lucky, and this guy is gross as all fuck.

Lesbian? No, I'm not a lesbian. Rubbing against other women makes me want to puke just thinking about it. God, that would be just the sickest thing in the world. Rubbing my genitals against another woman's genitals. I never want to do that in my life. I like dicks to some degree, so I stick to an official hetero label. Boobs draw the eye downward.

Also, Tanner's voice makes him look and sound stupid like his ugly face.

Funny. Do you know a Tanner?

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 9

What do you want to do with yourself, Salioness? My guides asked me one day.

Well, I could go to the mall. That would be fun.

Well, we can go with your soul, he wants to go!

We got in the car and drove to the mall. On the way, I watched my soul do animations for me. He showed me a picture of my mother, a dog, and a person with no hair. The three of them meshed into one, to make my mom with no hair as a dog. I laughed.

I watched some more. He showed me a cactus, with no hands. Then, it became a wine cooler, with no alcohol. This is what you are allowed to drink today, Rachel. Alcohol that doesn't taste like it has wine but does. I watched some more. He showed me an image of a cat. It became mixed up with an image of a dog, and he called it, Dog-Cat-Princess Nonay. I laughed, even though this one was dumb. He whispered in my ear as he did it. “She's a cat, she's a murderous wench, she's a wombat.” He showed me something else and it made me laugh. Over and over again, he showed me things that made me laugh.

I rode to the mall, got out, and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. When we went in, they asked me how many. I thought about saying two, but instead said one. They seated me. My guides advised me not to eat too much bread, and eat the steak medallions. I ate, and left. On the way home, my soul did more animations. He showed me a picture of myself, and then showed it become larger and larger, until it could not be stopped with it's massive growing capabilities. When I looked at the picture, in my mind, it had a quality to it that reminded me of my wonderful looking picture on facebook.

He would show me things that reminded me of things too, like a dream I had a long time ago, with a spider. In the dream, I was playing at the house of my two best friends from childhood, when they left, and a spider appeared. I started petting the spider, and a voice said... “Notice it's soft?”

My soul showed the spider dancing and running around the room, shouting, “Catch me, catch me, catch me! Notice I'm loud?”

I laughed, not so much at what he did, but at the reference to the past dream.

What did that dream mean, anyway? I asked my guides.

I will tell you that one, said my soul. It was about fears of social contact at your new school. You are getting in touch with the things that scare you, and letting go of your fears of talking to people.

When we had calmed down after that, my soul showed me a picture of a cat, and some paste. The cat ate the paste, ran around in circles, and stuck to a wall, in a comical fashion. I laughed.

Time to say something about your past, Rachel, my soul said. Weed out the bad people from your past. You know who I'm talking about.

I thought, and thought. Finally, I figured out who he was talking about. Crystal.

He showed me a picture of puke, put it in her hair, and she screamed.

This is how much we like her. Don't ever pretend like you are her friend. She is not a good person.

My soul showed me a picture of Nick, from Innercept. He made it bigger, then smaller, then dance, then twirl, in a comical fashion. I laughed.

This is what you would do to him if you had him. Twist him up and put him in your pocket. Because you love him oh so much! Mwah!

Shut up! I said.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 8

What to do now? I asked myself. It was time to go to my room to unwind. I wanted to talk to my friends, but I had no real true good friends right now.

I went into my room, and lay down. My mind was blank, when I saw something in my mind's eyes. A caboose, piping along, looking disheveled. As it neared a turn, it exploded, in a humorous fashion. I laughed.

“That was me, Sugar Plum,” my soul said in my ear. It was a neural pathway I had now, one which I could listen to my soul easily, by listening carefully.

“I want to show you something. A picture of you and me.” I sat back and watched. In my mind's eye, I saw a trailer. It moved slowly. There was a car in front of it. That was me, he said.

“We are not one in the same, Sugar Plum. We are two souls, stuck together! You are the silia, I am the soul. You gave me a piggy back ride! I have been with you your whole life!” Then, he burst into song. “My silia friend and me, sitting in a tree, eating curds and whey and he he he...”

I thought in my mind, “This guy is a good guy for fun in the mind only, he made a mockery of me the other day.”

I saw something else in my mind. A door, open. Then it shut.

“SHUT UP!!! You are mine! We don't want you here in heaven anymore if you are going to make me into your man friend without love!” he did a cry, a symbol in my mind of tears, and then an idea popped into my head. He was all right.

“Good. Now, eat bread! You are starving!” he showed me a picture of bread. A knife came down, cut the bread in halves. Butter came flying out of the sky around it. Then, a leprechaun appeared and started making bread. “I'm a leprechaun baby, so why don't you kill me!” He sang, his own parody of a Beck song.

“Watch this! I have a show for you!” I watched. I saw a man come up and grab a little girl, and then the girl starts flailing her arms and sobbing for her parents. “I'm gonna kidnap you from this house, and bring you over to chance's!”

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 7

We talked about the things that mattered in life, like my ideas of friendship with my soul. Terrible things happen to people who make crush cords and sex cords to their soul. Terrible things. Yet, they told me it was okay to send him sexual energy.

As I got ready for bed, I was counting my nicotine gum pieces.

“One piece, two piece, red piece, blue piece,” my soul said. I laughed.

Remove the crush cords before you go to bed, please. They will grow and become horrific by morning, my guides told me.

I removed them.

“I wish you wouldn't disconnect those tubes, Marshmellow,” my soul said to me.

I laughed, and disconnected them anyway. They told me that the energy I was sending my soul made him feel really, really good. Better than anything I could have imagined.

I went to my grandma's, and hung out, and waited. As I waited, my soul sent me energy.

What kind of energy are you sending? I asked.

“Loving tenderness. That's what girls want, right? Loving tenderness. But that's not what you want. I know you.”

I laughed.

As we were getting ready to leave, my dad asked me to take something out to the car.

Your soul made a joke about that, up here. Something about your dad's weight and him being a lazy fat slob.

I laughed.

I went to the psychiatrist again. Again, I tried to get him to reduce my dose of Invega. Again, he dragged his feet. He was worried about another “manic episode.” I went to the grocery store with my mom afterwards, and we went to Starbucks. At Starbucks, my guides told me to get a Starbucks Refresher instead of a coffee drink. I wandered around, and vaguely wondered at one point if it was because I shouldn't drink milk right now.

I got home, and my soul said he composed a song for me, about what my mother thought of me.

You're a whore, you're a dirty whore, you're a dirty rotten attention seeking whore, you act like a child, you're a big baby, you need to grow up, and behave like an adult.

Why is it singing this song?

It's mad at you for something you did today. You went to Starbucks at the grocery store, and got a drink without milk in it, the one we told you to get. Then, you wondered if the reason you were supposed to get that one was because it didn't have milk in it. Your soul is mad at you for thinking that because your body needed milk.

I went to my computer to write this down. As I sat there, I absentmindedly peered out the window, down at the garden. There, I saw something so horrific, so horribly, horribly putrid, it hurt my eyes so bad I wanted to gouge them out. “Uhhh...” It was the flowers. The Angel's Trumpets. They were horrific! The humungous flowers dangling, dangling, dangling... Humungous, so horrid, puke, puke, puke... Like something mutated in a garden of horrors. They hurt my eyes so bad they almost bled.

“Blehhh... Sick! That is disgusting! That is disgusting!” It hurt me in a way I have never felt before. That flower, that flower... I had looked at it before. I hadn't bothered me, I even liked those flowers a little bit. But it did something to my eyes, these cords. They drained my energy in a way that affected, not actually what I saw, but the emotional connotations of what I saw.

Okay, sit down, draw the window... We knew this would happen, you have way too many cords to your soul. No more lusting, Salioness, no more lusting. We think we need to do this work, because you have quite a few.

I went back into my bedroom, sat down, and lay there. As I looked around, everything was freaky. The light switch was freaky. The pattern on my belt was freaky. Everything I looked at scared the crap out of me.

We're getting the cords, just wait... It will take a little bit, you'll be fine. Just wait.

Ahhhh!!! I was freaking out.

Put on your good luck clover bracelet so we can see you better, it will make it easier on us.

I put it on, and that clover-fied it.

My mom came to my door, and told me something. She looked at me funny. I looked at her face, at the clover look of her glasses on her eyes, and screamed. Great, now she thought I was psychotic.

I went downstairs to get a snack, because they said that would help. As I stood there, I accidentally looked at the flowers again out the window. Uuhhhhh... That feeling again. Uhhhh... God dammit, why did this have to be so hard?

I sat in the computer room, looked at a Georgia O'Keefe painting. The flowers freaked me out.

It didn't help that you put on that perfume today, which was a floral scent, my guides told me.

As we were sitting there, the flower plant called out to me. It said to stop being mean to it. It liked itself.

They had to disconnect the cords. We will do them all in one sweep, but you have to act light-harded and say, “Weeeee!”

“Weeeeee!!!!!” I said with enthusiasm.

They were working hard at getting all the cords. I went on facebook and mentioned something about this to Erik. He suggested it was something he had been taught in Scientology. I told him what my guides said, it was not but had similar effects.

That night, I was up late in the middle of the night. My guides told me no facebook, in case people posted picture of insects, which would be psychologically damaging to look at in the state. They didn't mention that the flowers themselves were also psychologically damaging to look at. They told me they had to block out bad dreams. If they hadn't, I would have nightmares about freaky clowns.

As I sat downstairs, I felt despair. Would this pass? What if I had to be taken to the hospital for this behavior, and I was pumped full of drugs, and that made it worse and worse? What if?

As I sat there in despair, I heard the word, “Erik,” and I felt an in pouring of positive energy, as Erik sent me good energy.

The next day, as I was using the restroom, still messed up from the cords... I heard a voice in my ear.

“What's crack-a-lackin', Sugar Plum?” It was my soul.

You!

“Woah woah woah... Back off! I was just having a good time!”

I smiled, and felt love for my soul. Together again, at last, the love of my life.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 6

I tried and tried and tried to listen to what my soul was saying. Every time I heard something, I laughed really hard. When I went out to dinner with my family, I listened in the bathroom.

You're sending psychotic energy through the tubes.

I laughed, and I got the joke. I was making crush cords to my soul, which were sending him energy. Whenever I laughed really hard, I would make a crush cord. My guides warned me about having crush cords to my soul. They said it was a bad idea, it causes pretty horrific consequences. People have done it on other planes. The world was designed so that you would not make crush cords to your soul. I got that, I laughed anyway.

I sat in the shower, and tried very hard to listen. “I love looking at you like this, the water falling all over your hair, like semen squirting all over you. I want to be together, just you and me, feeding you semen.” And then he showed me an image of him with a spoon, and hearts in his eyes, as he fed me semen.

I laughed really hard.

“I want to understand you, sweetie, I want to understand why you love caterpillars, not roses, caterpillars. I think you and I could get along splendid, not good, splendid. I think you should ease off the cough syrup, on to the robotripping design flaw place called Hydrocodone. Do it, sweetie. Undo the did, redo the don't, and do it do it do it! When you and I are together, we eat each other's minds out and have a splendid time picking fights with hobos, not fights, murderous pictionary games.”

I was happy. I had met someone I loved. Sure, it was actually me. This soul of mine, it was me. That's all. It was another aspect of myself. But sure, it would be okay. I had fallen hard. This seemed like an embarrassing problem I was having, where I was building a bunch of crush cords to my soul, and there was no one to tell me it wasn't right.

You can do something to prevent it from happening. Tell him, “You're me. I'm you.”

I said that, over and over again. “You're me. You're me. You're me.” When I did so, I got a wondrous feeling. My guides told me it was similar to the wonderful feeling you got upon death, when you are reunited with your soul in heaven.

“I think we can eat each other's marmalade again tomorrow, but right now I'm sick of it! Do it! Do go to the ballgame alone! I think it's okay to realize why the two of us get along so well!”

I laughed. I kept having to remove cords. Over and over again. When I did so, it would rid my body of a very slight, very freaky feeling I could not describe.

Well, it's okay. He's a good guy, your soul. Why don't you send him some sexual energy?

I began rolling around on the bed in lust, in lust for my own soul.

“You got me all tangled up in a web of hormones, baby.” my soul said to me, smugly.

As I sat there, my soul tried to attach a cord to me. It was a sex cord. My guides blocked it.

Whoops! My soul said.

Don't worry about that, he was trying to attach a cord to drain your energy during sex. It would feel good for him, but cause some pretty horrific side effects for you. That's why we blocked it out.

He laughed and said, “Fuckers!”

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 5

My guides told me my soul was up in heaven making jokes. Some of them were funny, some of them were not. I was worried. Was I making a fool of myself up there?

I was in the kitchen one night, believing in ghosts, when my guides told me it was time for taste bud balancing. Taste bud balancing was something we did from time to time, where they had me eat just a morsel of a few different foods of different tastes.

Okay, first, a pinch of sugar.

Okay, now sour. One of those pickled pepper rings should do it.

Now, something bitter. Tumeric is good for that. Just a tad.

Now, umami. A small piece of roast beef is good.

Salty. A touch of salt.

Now, we are going to do one more. This is a taste that people know about, but don't like to talk about. It's pungent.

In the background, I heard a voice, “I don't want to talk about it!”

I laughed at this, hard. I took a piece of parmesan cheese, as instructed, and ate it.

Who was that? I asked. The person who said, “I don't want to talk about it?”

Oh, that. That's your soul making jokes up here.

I laughed my head off at this joke. With the Adderall brain, I also had an issue where I would laugh too much at one funny thing, even things that weren't all that funny, if they tickled my fancy the right way. This did it.

What is it saying now? My soul?

What do you think? I'm telling your secrets! He said.

What is he saying now?

So you think you know possums? No way, jose! I'm a possum! Get it? O-possum?

I laughed really hard. What is he saying now?

So you think you know calculus? Derivative me a sandwich, bitch!

I laughed really hard.

What is he saying now?

Why don't you and I get together, take on the world and be together forever... I'm talking to you, girl.

He was coming on to me!

Burn Like Jesus: Four (tH chapter)

Let's see what chance is imagining. He is imagining you, sitting on the floor, with something in your lap. It's a strap on dildo. You are not going to fuck him though... You are going to fuck Adam in the ass.

Why does he want that?

He wants you to assert dominance over Adam, because he wants you to be smarter than him.

He has you on the floor, in the dining room, of his apartment. chance is dressing you in a school girl outfit. He is putting up a tent with your skirt so he can go in. He puts his foot in. Now, he looks at you in the eye. He sees something in your eye.

A twinkle? Said someone else.

No. You are looking at each other in the eyes. He knows what you are thinking. You are thinking he is better than you at something.

Robotripping? Said that other person again.

No. Withstanding heartbreak. Now, he is using scissors, cutting a hole. It's a portal to you. He wants to experience something that you have experienced. That thing is enlightenment. Now, he is putting a condom on his entire body, to protect himself, because he wants to become you, without taking on one of your traits.

What trait is that?

Your goody two-shoeness.

Now chance is imagining scissors, he is cutting the place where the fallopian tubes meet your cervix, so that you can't get pregnant. Now the scissors are cutting you up the middle, cutting you in two. You split in two. Now, there are two of you. Now, the two yous are having lesbian sex with each other.

Then I imagine the two me's holding hands, with a heart. My spirit guides tell me it is because the two me's are in love with each other, representing the fact that I should be fine just alone, and no one deserves me.

Now, the two me's become one me again. I am going down on him. Then, my butt starts to ascend upwards. I float away, off into the clouds.

You went up to heaven. Because you are that good.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I was sitting on my bed when Brandon interrupted my thoughts. He had a sexual fantasy for me.

My guides had told me that Brandon read my facebook posts, and my blog. I wasn't sure that I believed this, but I believed it on a conscious level.

Brandon has a sexual scenario he would like to share with you. He thinks you would like it. You are on the bed, sitting up. He is kneeling, putting his penis in your mouth. His hand is on the back of your head. He pulls out and ejaculates on your face. You put your hands on your face, and then rub the semen on your boobs.

That was it. He thought you would like that. That's why he wanted to tell you.

I tell him, that was very nice, thank you.

I found out I could get Brandon's sexual fantasies too. I watched.

I saw what Brandon was picturing, subconsciously. He is unhooking my bra, then unhooking a chain around my intestines. He goes down, dusts off around my vagina, because he thinks I am dirty, because of the thing with Ted. Not because he was homeless, because he was my sister's boyfriend. He is pulling something out, my IUD. It bothers him when girls have IUD's, it is annoying during sex. He is putting something in to prevent me from ever getting pregnant. Then he straps something over my mouth. He is forcefeeding me semen, and I am liking it. This is way, way too dark for me. I start freaking out. AHHH!!

Now he is taking the semen device, moving it up to your nose, dysfixiating you. Now he is moving it down, to the belly button, like an umbilical cord, so that the semen can encompass your whole body. He starts making me fatter with it, in a nourished sort of way. Now, he is sucking something out of you.

What is it?

Your dominant femininity.

Now, he is flailing you around. (all the while I can see all this in my mind).

Now, he is going down to your vagina and sucking something out of you. Something you do not want in there. Oh no, it's something you don't want to know is in there. Matthew put it there, not purposely, because of his attitude toward you. He had a very strong sex toy attitude toward you. This actually makes you good with men. We didn't know, we thought it was bad at first. We didn't know about it until now. It makes you more sophisticated around men who are interested in you.

He doesn't want other guys to be interested in you. We were wrong. This is a good thing. You both made an agreement, and he put it there with your permission. It also makes you less respectful in a sexual way towards yourself.

What is it? I ask.

It's a spiritual device that encompasses your vaginal fluids, making it easier to remove toxins from your mind.

Really?

No, but it's hard to explain. We explained it the best we could.

Okay, now let's look at Brandon's fantasy... He is imagining semen shooting magically into your mouth, a whole bunch.

I could picture this in my mind. There were two rays going from my nose down to the shoot of semen.

What's that?

You have eyes on your nose. They are looking at the semen. Now your nose is smelling the semen and loving it. What's happening now? You have an umbilical cord of semen connected to your belly button. I watch, and watch my abdomen lift into the air, and move around, then I am pregnant. A semen baby! You are pregnant now. Now the semen baby is traveling up your torso, into your heart, taking something from your heart, traveling up to your brain... What did it take from my heart? The thing that keeps its pace? Yes. Now it is traveling up into the sky with it. You are dead. That's what he wants, from a sexual perspective. To kill you.

Unwritten

The mind-flip is self-explanatory. If you have it, you know you have it and it is supernatural. Which proves God because it implies the brain was designed intelligently. However, there is that ever-lasting but over now, shadow... Not ever-lasting because it's not eternal. The need for confirmed reasoning went away at Unity fucking Hospital, fuckers. Do I care? Yes but... I care.

Sliced Cucumber: Not For Me

I don't like things that take the place of insertion. There is no insertion in my life. Needles, yuck. What about you? Are you an insert to humanity? My Spirit Guides are not insulted. Insert the insult. Assert yourself. Insulted? Don't be. I didn't insert anything into the pickle jar of stupid. Gay Marriage? Yes.

Arrogance: A World Premiere

I grew up as the lowest low. The downfall of men if they turn to it. No one wanted me.

Except...

Chance. He didn't enjoy the parade, though.

At the end of the day there wasn't a lot to say about anyone in my life. Well, Kristen is a youtube entertainer. My dad a former Comp Guru. My mother a whiny housewife who just wants appreciation and everyone knows Rachel would not have gone to Innercept if Bev hadn't thrown out the Ritalin.

In the end, Rachel stands high, dry, and proud. Well, I did it! I really did, didn't I? I saved the world!

How?

No.... I can't tell you how many times I thought the world was about to end. Listening to Wonder Boy as I came home from the walk, satisfied in the premier effort of the unstoppable stealer of hearts in her new memoir series, which might take awhile to endure the appreciation of God before he steals it back to heaven, with Rachel.

Did anyone die? Yeah, Jason and Emily. Those were "bad trees." Huh? Are Caleb and Hiram bad seeds than?

No one said that, dildo for brains. They didn't get proper health nourishment as a child.

And so on... The ranter rants...

I'm the only real person in my life. And I'm second only to Jesus, the last Conscious Mission star.

"Always remember Jesus was first." -Rachel

Stan Turnpike: The Last Straw

Why?

Actually, Stan you are kind of wimpy. I could mope but you don't believe me and let me feel weird. I hate this blog.

Stan went on to become a bus driver.

DON'T GIVE AWAY BOOK SECRETS!!

Encore!

I don't care about getting off at all thank you very much.

[Abrupt ending]

...

Fire! J/K! Fire! J/K! Fire! J/K!

Sick Pleasure: A Financial Ruin

What is sick pleasure?

It means being happy when someone else is miserable. If I am happy, and I think about unhappiness at the same time... That's called SICK pleasure. That's SICK.

If you are happy, and someone else is not happy... How DARE you?! How. Dare. YOU. Fud. Don't go there.

Also, sometimes there are situations that are very weird that come up that immensely make me laugh. If I laugh, but I don't. I don't laugh. I just stare and fixate.

Note: the last paragraph was true sick pleasure

I am early virtuous and dark. However, dark souls like being dark souls.

They don't like liking things they actually don't like, however sometimes they like sex better when they are dark souls. So maybe I should stop worrying altogether!

I hate parts of my life like the r-word. No I don't think rape is funny. I think it is terrible. My life is a cartoon show.

You Seem Anxious and Talkative Today

Well, my day started with me waking up thinking about Hiram and Caleb and what the fuck I was thinking when I posted the status about them in 2020 that I don't want to remind people of. Then what? I got high. On coffee. Then how did you cope? Umm... Well I posted a status online apologizing. It was woo. What other problems has the woo caused you? Horrible ones and people are sending me bad energy. Because of the noise of the keyboard. Linguistics fucked. Nicotine. Resume typing. I am too embarrassed but I would because I want to grow in power traits. Anyone in my position, given the circumstances.

Would continue living because you grow in rare power traits toward the end of the mission that are very respected. And glorious. Can I even write coherently? No.

I Have Chike Pride

"What's you talkin' bout?"

"Stupid idiots who mock me."

"Ha. Then woah... Here you go. Ha. Ha. HA!"

Actually, there is an issue I care about in you that you constantly disrespect!

Huh?, said Tupac.

That's how much.

.......No one got hurt though. That might cause disrespect...

.

HATE. Tupac pointed to nothing. Actually it was someone else. Chance.

HA! If you don't think I know my guides would disrespect myself to point out YES Chance.

I am worried about Crossing Over. Innermost.

I know that. Hurt.

Everyone was hurt in the end.

"And that's a fact"

"Wooh, factual. You are only doing that for me, huh?

All of Rachel's Spirit Guides groaned. And that groan went on and on because wow, stupidity.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Time for some energy work! What would you like to do today?

I was thinking. We could do some energy work on Chance. To make him a little bit darker in his fantasies about me.

That's a good idea, if you want disaster! Said my guides.

But I do!

Well then, we'll do the work. We'll get started, you wait right here and breathe deeply.

AND THEN...

Now, let's look at some of the fantasies he's having. Since your minds are connected, you can see what he's imagining. Think Chance, and breathe oxygen for it helps the channeling process. I paid attention to my mind's eye. Before long, it started coming through. I began seeing in my mind what Chance’s subconscious sexual thoughts are. He is imagining me sucking his dick. Then, a pool of water appears next to him. He puts his hands in it, pats them together, rubs it on his dick, puts some more water on his hand, then rubs it on his dick again. Then he stands up. He fucks me while we are both standing up, in an impossible position where he sticks it in me while we are both just standing there normally. After awhile, he takes it out, and says to me, “spit.” Why did he say spit? He is telling you to spit out your nicotine gum. On the spiritual plane, he sees that it is always in your mouth. What is he imagining now? He is imagining you tied to a bed, your arms above your head, your legs spread way open and tied down. He is thinking about entering you. He is looking at you with an expression of, “I have you.” You are looking at him, wanting him to please you. He is entering. I imagined this in my mind. In my mind, I see it. Then, he pulls out. His torso lifts and goes forward, so he is sitting on my chest, with his genitals facing me, but not in my mouth, him lying down. Then he lifts up again, and does a somersault, and he is going down on me. The chains melt away, and I melt down with pleasure. Then he stands up. What's he doing now? He is talking to you. He is talking, not about sex, but about a relationship. He is telling you that he not wants, needs a relationship with you. In order for the sex to continue? No. Because he likes you too much. Now let's see what Chance is imagining! He is imagining another guy fucking your digestive track. You are hating it. That's what they want. Now, he's taking it out. Oh, now we are going homosexual! He is imagining another guy sucking his dick, and doing it better than girls would. Not because he is interested in other guys sexually, but because he wants to think guys would do a better job than girls would. Why's that? Because they want to think guys are better at love, not sex, love, than girls are. From a sexual perspective, guys would rather love another guy. Because it is demeaning to women, and they would like to think, from a sexual perspective, that men are superior in every way.

Burn Like Jesus: The Beginning

Chapter 1

On the surface, I was doing little more than “recovering” in my parent's eyes. Underneath, I was doing all sorts of fun and interesting stuff. It was hard to imagine what my life had been before my spirit guides entered the picture, what with my rampant fear of homelessness. Now, I had a promising career as a medium and energy worker. I looked around the house. Everywhere I went, I was looking at fun in the sun. I watched television, and my guides always provided commentary on whatever I was watching. I couldn't imagine watching television without commentary. I knew I would make it out of this rat hole, unscathed, with a lot going for me. I would use the guardianship trial as leverage, to make it into the public eye.

When I woke up every morning, I immediately thought of my spirit guides. Whenever I had an interesting dream, or any dream for that matter, I would ask my spirit guides what it meant. One night, I had a dream that I had ate a lot of dirty cat litter. I didn't remember eating it, only that I had done it. Now, it was up to me to clean up the mess I was left with as a result.

What does that dream mean? I asked my guides. They told me it was one of their clients on another plane's issue. We were so close, our minds were so intricately linked, I got the dreams that weren't meant for me. I believed them, always.

This happened, night after night. I got a dream that was meant for someone on another plane. When it happened, I got annoyed. Why can't I have my own dreams?

I woke up one morning, and I got a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. in my head. My guides said he was here, and willing to help me out with the mission. He had been on a mission too, they told me. A lot of people through out history had been on missions specifically designed to make some sort of change in the world. When one mission failed, which they never did, it meant disaster for the plane they were on. One time, a good important mission failed, and it led to something like famine. An energy crisis of some sort.

Well, well, well. Said my guides. Are you ready? We have some energy work to do!

I am ready as I'll ever be, princesses!

Time to begin! We love you, Salioness. Withhold information from the parental units, for this is ground for a lifetime of hospitalizations!

Whoop di do. Withholding information from the parents. It could fill books, how much they didn't know.

Trip Like Jesus Before Help Like Jesus

I do not know if my parent's are fucking with my page or not, but... Yeah, something got left out of Trip Like Jesus, Part 17.

Help Like Jesus: Part 31

Well, I was the one who was going to save the world from insane amounts of destruction. To me, this meant little. I was used to believing strange fantasies. It was not a fantasy to me though, it was real. I was going to be the one who saved the world. Not really, I was going to be famous though. And I liked that a lot.

Well, that was it. I was destined for greatness. Believe, I did. Want, I did. Have, I did not. Only time would tell if these beliefs would prove to be true, or false. I hoped for true, and did not plan for false.

Help Like Jesus" Part 30

What is that girl doing? Said a spirit above my head.

Watch her, watch her, said the other.

The spirits can talk to each other too.

Let the spirits be, Salioness. Do not talk to them. They are bad to talk to, it encourages them. We are going to do some more energy work on Melvin. Make another bad cord from him to the girl he likes right now. Him, her, spiders... there you go!

Now, another cord to make him think she's creepy. Who is creepy in your life?

That one guy from Innercept, Josh.

Okay, let's do it! Him, her, Josh.... there you go!

Now we are done. Work out less, eat more! My guides instructed me. Then we walked to the energy drink store to buy an energy drink. On the way home, a spirit stopped and asked me where she could find the bathroom. I told her to look inside a trash can.

We walked home. At home, it was time to add more monacle cleaners to my toothbrush holder.

I heard a whisper behind me. From amongst the swaying spirits, came one forward.

There's another tarot reading for you. It's us. The spirits. We have a tarot reading for you and Adam.

No, it's us... the connection was jarbled.

I thumbed through the deck of tarot cards.

That's not the one, that's not the one, that's not the one... there, this one.

Ace of pentacles. Look it up.

Not manifestation, not prosperity... keep looking, take your time.

There. That one. Beginnings. It's about beginnings. This card is about beginnings. We think you should be with him.

That was the spirits. They have an opinion on this matter. They want you to be with Adam. Don't do any more tarot readings with the spirits, my guides told me.

Later, the spirits wanted to do another tarot reading with me.

I spoke in hushed voice. Yes we do. One for why you should not be with Chance.

Not this one, not this one... here, this one.

High priestess reversed.

Yes, reversed is right. Look it up.

There... Hidden agendas. He has hidden agendas.

I asked the spirits, how do you know the tarot cards?

We don't know the cards mean but we know people. We know the cards. We don't know what they mean but we know what they look like and what they are.

Well, the spirits have made themselves clear. They are on Team Adam. Why don't you cross that one over?

We walked to the gas station to buy energy drinks. When we got a few, we bought them. When we got back, it was time to talk to God.

After grappling around in the dark for a little bit, trying to secure a connection, I located God.

Hello, Rachel. I have some things to tell you. First off, I lied. I hate your mom, very very much. We hate her, all of us do. She is a whiny bitch. Also, I actually like Brandon quite a bit. He's a good guy. There is something I need to advise you on. You need supplements, stat! They will help with your ability to concentrate. Your guides will help you choose the right ones, I have already told them. Also, there are some people I want you to be friends with for the guardianship trial.

At this point, I lost the connection. I switched over to channeling my guides. We know who he was talking about. Try A, in your friends list. No, none of those. Try C. Not it either. Try K. Nope, not that either.

I was searching alphabetically for the friend he was talking about, through my friends list.

We don't know. Try asking him directly.

I got back in contact with God, after a bunch of grappling.

I told them the wrong friend. I wanted to tell you directly.

Ooohh! I said. I thought this was funny, and it made me sexually attracted to God.

There there, calm down. Here he is. He is a good friend for you. Meet him for lunch, and talk spiritual matters. Another thing. I know you are going through puberty again, but no more sexual energy, okay?

Okay, God!

And we ceased talking. After I stopped talking to God, my guides told me a joke God made while we were talking, when I was aroused by him.

“She's mindlessly aroused.”

I thought this was funny too. He was referring to the fact that I was going through puberty so my hormones were raging.

We went to the computer to find the specific supplements I needed. Bladderwhack, for one. The other one was pine bark extract. On a different day, we went to Whole Foods and picked them up, secretly. If my parents knew I was buying supplements without a doctor's permission, they would flip.

I took some, and waited for my concentration to get better.

Another night, my mom was giving me my meds when she mentioned that she found a receipt in my room for some really unsettling supplements. She wanted to know where they were. I told her there was some sort of mistake, there were no supplements. I was worried, mad as hell, and embarrassed, a little bit, that she had caught me buying supplements based on my spirit guide's advice. I wasn't embarrassed that I had done it, just that she would know about it. But she didn't know that.

I was upset, and stressed out over several days. My guides told me they were going to do something, put me in a light haze, to help me better deal with this stress. Later, they decided against it, it wasn't as bad as they thought.

As I lay on my bed, I remembered a dream I had a long time ago. It was about my best friend, Debi, after we moved. I saw a news story in my dream where there was a conflict in her classroom. One girl balanced herself on her hands between desks, and kicked another girl viciously in the butt with her legs.

That image stuck in my head. The girl being kicked in the butt. Very, very vividly.

That's an attack! You are under attack! Do some spells!

The image of the attack stuck in my mind because at the same time, I was under attack.

Okay... Seven, ten, one, three.... Three, eight, nine, two... One, seven, one, nine... I did this for a long, long time, doing spells to protect against the attack. I was scared out of my mind, until after awhile, I asked what this spell I was protecting against was going to do.

Well, it won't affect you any, but it would harm your parents....

Immediately, I felt relief, and indifference. I didn't give a flying fuck about my parents.

Do it anyway, please. It's a vicious spell. You don't like them, we don't like them... But they don't deserve this. This is a spell to make everyone in the entire world hate them. It's a powerful spell.

I continued doing spells until they said it was done. Right after I finished, a spirit said to me, “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear!”

Damn spirit. Trying to feed into my insecurities about being delusional.

I talked to God about it the next day. Not the spells, the supplement receipt. He said he was testing my naturopath. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, he was in God's favor because he trusts me.

Chapter

Well, Salioness, time for energy work!

I lay down on my bed.

Now, imagine two lines intersecting. Move them around to make way for another loop. Move the loop in a circle and make it piffy. Now, eat it!

Now, work on this name calling thing. You and Melvin are friends on the spiritual plane, but not friends in real life. Make way for that to change! Do this with his fantasy land ideas!

We created a circle, and cut it in half. Then, we ate something together in our minds. Then, we drank water and made fun of each other.

Okay, it's time to do some energy work on you. Now, this is really important. We will tell you what to do. Now, sit here. We are starting.

I could feel the tension in the air. As I sat, I talked to my guides about things of little importance. While I talked, I could not make the sound of R's, or N's, or M's. They were no-no sounds. Bad practice.

Eat a banana. Not a real banana, an imaginary banana. Now, smoke a cigarette. An imaginary cigarette. Now, eat a robot child. This is the robot child you wanted to have but never needed in your life. Eat him.

I did all three of these things, for energy purposes.

Okay, we are done. Go downstairs, and we will tell you who to think about, as we do energy work on them.

I went downstairs, lay on the couch, and thought about various people in my life, as they did energy work.

Then, it was time to go get a soda. I walked to the store. On the way, I heard a gun caulking sound.

What's that? I asked.

Oh, boy. Not a good thing. It's the spirits that infested the Columbine shooters. Not the Columbine shooters themselves, the spirits that lead them to commit such atrocities.

What do I do?

A couple spells. Now. Whenever someone commits and atrocity, usually they have spirits that make them do it. It is not just the spirit's fault, they have control of their own actions, and it is usually bad people who have these kind of spirits. Not you, of course, they are attracted to you because you are a mad light of steel.

Were the shooters of Columbine all bad souls? I asked this, because I knew that sometimes good people could manifest poorly on the Earth plane.

Yes, they were. Not as much as some souls, but more than most.

As I was walking back, I was passing through the bushes.

“You shall not pass!” the bushes said to me.

How dumb. We hate that about this plane. Dumb shit happens like the bushes talk to you. Don't put that in your book, it was too dumb.

I went home, and started cooking dinner. I turned on South Park and started watching. Up with the spirits, they were having, not a party, but a shindig with the energy of a fundraiser. I heard spirits talking. One of them was joking around. “How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one, Thomas Edison. And it's true too! Funny and true!”

I asked why they were making fun of that joke from the Simpson's, which was merely okay.

That is the funniest joke on the Simpsons, Salioness. It is spirit humor. We love that joke in the spirit world. It is famous. There are other jokes that are good from the Simpsons, but not as good as that one.

Chapter

My spirit guides were trying to get me to stop playing mahjongg. It was horrible death hole of a game that killed time and put me in a bad mood. I went downstairs, exasperated. Sitting on the chair in my office, I heard the word “amphetamine” softly in my ear.

Who are you?

Amphetamine.

What do you have to say?

I like you more than you like me.

Why do you like me?

I like something you did today.

What did I do?

Something upstairs on your computer.

Mahjongg?

Yes. I like how you did something mindless and stupid.

There's another thing I like that you do.

What's that?

Something on the computer.

After trying to figure out what it was for awhile, my spirit guides finally tell me. When I use alternate profiles to look at people's friends page, to see where I am on the list, to try to figure out if they are looking at my profile.

Yes, that's what it is. I like that because it's deluded.

Another thing I like that you do.

Play with my hair?

No, I like that, but that's not it. On your computer. In iTunes. Obsessing over the playcounts of songs you have. That's an excellent amphetamine activity.

Let me show you some amphetamine songs I like. Here's one. Porcupine Tree, fear of a blank planet. Another one, Giving it All Away, Ashlee Simpson. Another one. Comfortably numb, by Pink Floyd. Another one. U2, Mysterious Ways.

Why is that an amphetamine song?

I'll show you, look at the lyrics.

I look at the lyrics, and it shows me the line it likes:

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was California girls by Katy Perry, because of the lyric “I won't play, I love the bay.” Because it represented being content just where you are and never wanting to go anywhere else in the world.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was “So What?” by pink, because of the attitude of being content and not caring what anyone else thinks.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen. Because of the reference to the color red.

Another song, Cleaning out my closet, Eminem...

The line “I bet you're probably sick of me now, ain't you momma?”

Because Eminem's mom tried to get him to take drugs and he didn't want to. I like that. I don't think anyone should be on amphetamines.

But I thought you liked amphetamines?

I do but...

The spirit of amphetamines left, as I pointed out a paradox it couldn't handle.

That was an interesting one. Why did it talk so long?

The spirit of amphetamines has move energy than most spirits, because people give it more energy. There is a lot of amphetamine abuse in the world, and that bolsters the spirit's strength.

Help Like Jesus: Part 29

I sat downstairs in the computer room, channeling. When I looked at my body, it was the same. No weight loss. My guides told me to drink more juice. Always drink juice, it helps with your brain's ability to think clearly. As we channeled, I kept thinking about that girl Melvin used to have a crush on in the 8th grade, Alicia. I wondered about her. I kept bringing her up in my mind. My guides suggested I just call out to her, she might be calling out to me and it's not getting through.

I called out to her. I asked her how she was. She asked me what I was doing. I told her to go ahead and have a look. Subconsciously, very deep subconsciously, people have the ability to peer into one another's lives and stuff. She looked at everything. The channeling, the spells, the energy work. And she said to me: “Woah! Woah! Woah! You are one lucky girl! Please, do not hesitate to find me when you are famous and be my friend! I like you a lot, I knew you not at all in the 8th grade I had no opinion of you. Wow! You are doing fantastic! I wish this were me! Please, let something like this happen to me! I am jealous! All I have to say is, HAVE FUN!”

I was taken aback. I liked this, sure. It was okay. It had never occurred to me, however, that all this was supposed to be fun! I didn't think of that! Wow!

This was one of the most poignant conversations I had on the spiritual plane during this time.

Time to do some energy work on Chance. We need him to talk to you soon. So what we are going to do is, cut his crush cords.

What do you mean, cut his crush cords?

When you have a crush on someone, you attach a specific cord to them, called a crush cord. When you remove it, you no longer have those butterfly feelings for them anymore.

Okay, let's do it!

We went through and removed all his crush cords. There were millions and millions of crush cords. We took a short cut. Cut all his cords to girls. That worked, but not for all of them. Cut all his cords to girls that he likes again. Not really. More crush cords.

The thing about Melvin is, when he sees a girl he thinks is attractive, he automatically attaches a crush cord. Don't worry, we won't remove the one to you!

We went through, and there were so many crush cords. I started laughing when I remembered a status he had when he first visited Spain, and how hot all those girls were! I thought, all those hot girls he saw, those are the crush cords I am removing.

It took several days to remove all the crush cords, and we still didn't get all of them, just the major ones. When we were done, my guides told me something important.

He has a girl in his life now. He is interested in a girl he knows. They are a terrible match. When you removed the crush cord, they moved farther apart on the spiritual plane, and you and him closer together. He also attached another cord to her. A stupid cord.

I thought this was hilarious.

Okay, so first, stretch them out even farther on the spiritual plane. They can be even farther apart. Now, let's add some cords!

First, a cord of disgust. Imagine him, imagine her, now puke, dogs, barf! There you go! You attached a cord of disgust!

Now, let's add another cord. A sociopath cord. What is a sociopath to you?

I don't know, Hitler?

Okay, let's try that. Imagine him, imagine her, now... Hitler! Oops, you added the wrong cord. Instead of a sociopath cord, you added a cord of interest in dark matters. Who else is a sociopath to you?

I thought, Nick, the guy who I thought was the one ugly soul in all the universe.

Okay, now, him, her, Nick! Okay, you added the correct cord! One more cord. What cord do you think we should add?

How about, a mother cord. He thinks of her like a mother.

Now, that's bad practice. We can't add those kinds of cords.

What about, he thinks of her as his daughter?

We can do that one. Okay, imagine her, imagine him, now, sssonnn....

Okay! You attached the cord! Now, we can't guarantee that these cords will grow. But we can hope!

Chapter

I was sitting on the bed, looking at a picture of Melvin when my spirit guides suggested to me, send him energy.

I sent him some energy, not from my heart chakra, but from a chakra a little bit below it.

What the fuck?

Hi.

Have you been thinking about me?

Yeah, a little bit, occasionally.

Are you telling the truth?

Ahh, no.

More than occasionally?

Yeah.

Do you like me?

Yeah, more than a little bit.

Do you like that other girl?

Yeah.... Ahh, no.

What do you think about her?

I like her but... she's mean.

What do you like about her?

Her boobs.

What else do you think about her?

She's gross.

Would you like my body? (I send him a sketch of my body, mentally)

Yeah... I don't like this.. I put my hand on my stomach.

I send him another sketch, without my stomach sticking out.

Yeah, I like that. But it would be better if it were bigger somewhere.. not the boobs, not the butt..

I start groping myself, trying to find out where he means. I try the butt. No. The legs. No. All around the legs. No. My stomach. No. Slightly higher on my stomach. No. I grope all around until my hand lands on my right boob. Here it is. This is where it should be bigger.

He loses energy and the connection breaks.

Chapter

Where did the fun happen in Rachel's house? It was hard to understand how I enjoyed life anymore, I was so bored all the time.

You need to just chew a full piece of gum every time. You enjoy it more when you chew a full piece. And it's the only thing you enjoy anymore, said my grandma on the other side.

It didn't occur to me that she was joking. I enjoyed channeling quite a bit. But with the chemical imbalance in my brain caused by long term Adderall use, it was hard to enjoy anything.

We went downstairs, to watch television. I watched Twilight. I watched it with commentary. Not commentary from the producers, commentary from the spirit guides. They informed me of all the spirit humor in the movie, and told me what they thought about different parts of the movie. In the spirit world, they hate that movie. It's a dumbfuck movie.

Well, that was a good movie. Now, let's do some house cleaning! Right there, that's a mental illness book. Put away all the mental illness books.

I did so, collected them and put them in the cabinet. Out of sight, out of mind.

Now, walk over here. There's something over here we want you to get rid of.

I walked over to the cabinet above the desk. On the cabinet, there was a list of Innercept numbers.

Throw that away.

I did so.

Spirits keep interrupting my connection with my spirit guides. I felt frazzled and drained, and I started to come down. I know where I am, I know what I am doing. But I don't know if my spirit guides are really real. Are they just in my head? Is this experience, all this supernatural stuff, just imaginary?

I sat down and started talking to someone new.

Are you Marissa?

No.

Are you Meg?

No.

Are you one of my spirit guides?

No.

Are you my guardian angel?

No.

Are you an angel?

No.

Are you something like an angel?

No.

Are you the spirit of someone I knew?

No, but you know me very well.

Are you my mom? Dad? Cat?

No.

Are you me?

In a way. I am your fears.

What are you saying to me?

I know you very well. But I don't believe in you.

You don't believe in me?

I don't believe you exist.

Every time I started doubting my experiences, this would happen. I would start to believe that I didn't exist.

Help Like Jesus: Part 27

I was sitting on my bed when the spirit of bacon called out to me.

Hi I'm bacon.

What are you telling me?

I like you because you like bacon, but don't eat bacon. I like people who like me and don't eat me. No one should eat me.

Why is that?

I'm really bad for the heart.

How do you feel about that?

I hate myself.

Another spirit called out to me. The spirit of Waterworld.

I used to like you, but not anymore. I hate it how you always focus on my tragedy. It was a dark spot in my history. But you are okay, I didn't want to be a water park anyway. I wanted to be a dry cleaner.

What are we going to do now? Talk about dreams?

I had a dream a little while before 9/11 about being on an airplane that was about to crash. Was it psychic?

It was, but about an incident on another plane. You were not there someone you knew from a past life was.

I wondered about the incident, wondered about the dream, and wondered what it would be like to be on a plane that was going to crash, and be sad and scared, because I was about to die.

Hello. This is the spirit of the incident you are thinking of. Do not think of me in a happy way, please. I am not a happy incident. This is a sad incident that should not be remembered at all. Please, think of me as the dark incident that I am. I am a dark incident.

I got a horrible, horrible feeling and tried to make the incident go away. It was the energy of the incident.

Geez, what a life. This is getting goofy. Gooofy.

Chapter

We went to Bridgeport, an upscale shopping center near my house. We had sushi for lunch. Afterwards, I got a Red Bull from Barnes and Noble and sat down in the spiritual book section.

Now we don't want you to be tempted, my guides said. Into the dark arts. There is some dark, fowl magic out there. It would be easy for you to learn. That kind of stuff has far-reaching consequences. Let's look for a book.

We searched for a particular book for awhile, found a few, with no intention of buying any of them. I took one last swig of my Red Bull, and some foreign object entered my mouth. I took it out, and it was a yucky, yucky bug. Ewww! I said. Ewww! I said. And cried a little.

Well, at least this would make a good facebook status, I thought. I went into the other section and made it my facebook status.

I threw out the can and left, still disgusted. There was a problem as I walked. The spirit of the bug had entered my body. I had to do something about this. My spiritual defenses had become weakened when I was grossed out by the bug in my mouth.

The bug spoke to me. “I didn't like that situation either. Do you want to be friends?”

Not really, no. I said to the bug.

We don't need to be, I thought it would be a good idea for both of us.

I was a bit ambivalent though, because I never shy away from having new friends. I didn't think this bug thing was a good thing.

We walked over to a bench and sat down. The bug kept talking to me. It told me a story about living on the planet dirt. When it finished, it expected a laugh. It was bug humor, not human humor.

He started sending me creepy energy. It was supposed to be love. It felt like bad energy that needed sweeping under the rug. I had to do a spell to get rid of it. I did quite a few. A lady was staring at me funny as I was saying a bunch of random words under my breath, so I got up and left. I walked away, and my guides told me, do you want this bug out of your body? YES! I said back. Then mean it! Tell it to get lost!

“I don't want you here, you're not welcome, get out!” I told the bug sternly.

It proceeded to leave. Do another spell, my guides told me.

I did another spell.

There. Now it's gone.

Later that night, I was sitting watching TV when the spirit of the bug came to talk to me again. It said, “I wish you'd understand that I like you, so don't pretend I hate you ever.”

I told it about the creepy bug “love,” which was the energy it tried to send me. They said you need to help the bug cross over! It needs help! It's bug guides didn't return to help yet! They might not, and it will bug you for a long time!

Okay, how do you help a bug cross over?

Same way as a human soul, only instead of “look up,” you say “look down.” They go to a different place.

Look down! Go into the light! I instructed the bug.

That's not my friend talking, that's a helper! And it went down to the other side for bugs.

Later, the bug came to me in spirit. It told me it liked my style. Help from a bug would be appreciated by you, I can help you understand the ways of the smallest creatures. Then, it started sending guiding energy.

You don't want energy from bugs ever, said my spirit guides. It's creepy as all hell.

Bahh!! Creepy energy!

Tell it to fuck off, said my guides.

I don't want to be mean!

It's just a dumb bug, you can be mean! It's harming you!

I'm sorry but your bug energy is mean to me, stop sending it! I don't want to be your friend!

It continues to send guiding energy, until I told it I hated bugs and they made me sick.

But you made a bug game! You love bugs!

That was something you didn't grasp. I hate bugs.

But you made a bug game!

I didn't mean it that way!

He left, and was gone.

We went to the mall to buy a bracelet. As I walked, the spirits instructed me that this was a good luck bracelet. Not luck as in good fortune, luck as in their ability to see me. They were not having trouble, but it would be easier with a good luck bracelet. We went to JC Penney, and found the bracelet they were looking for. It was a clover bracelet. I purchased it.

As we walked, they told me another story. There was a girl named Rachel. She lived with her parents. She understood spirit talk. When she woke up one morning, she could converse with the spirits like anyone who was psychic, When she woke up the next morning, she was even more psychic, and could converse with lots and lots of dead people. When she woke up the third morning, her parents took away her bracelet, and then she couldn't converse with the spirits anymore.

I didn't like that story, I told them. They said it was a good spirit humor story. A good spirit humor story.

It was not, they were joking. They did that.

Another thing they told me was that they were good friends with Elvis Presley. He lived in a bungalow in the ocean, and loved sea people. When he woke up one morning, he was all alone, and the sea people were gone!

No! Not that! Why are you telling me these horror stories?

Do not lose this bracelet, it makes it easier for us to see you.

Chapter

When are we going to go to the mall again? I asked my guides.

Not today, we are going to do some walking in heels again. It is time to let the heel luck gods do magic on your feet, take off your shoes. When we were done, it was time to go on the computer again and write a facebook status. As I was sitting on my bed, my big toe was curled under my foot. In the distance, I heard “bad heel luck! Bad heel luck!” My toe curled under was bad heel luck, and the Heel Luck Gods were warning me. I uncurled my big toe.

We decided to go to the mall again. As we walked, my guides informed me that I was not going to be without my party-hardy attitudes for too long. Before long, Melvin and I would get together, and drink alcohol and be merry. When this happened, they would not let me go out in public and breathe oxygen, because on this plane, increased oxygen consumption is necessary. We walked to the food court to get an energy drink. When a girl looked me up and down, I smiled and said hello. I went to Spencer's to look at the clothes. When I saw t-shirts with Tupac's face, I was reminded of how much I loved Tupac and wanted to talk to him.

When I got home, I asked about Tupac. They said he was here right now. He wanted me to look at my music, he had a few things to say. First, he liked the song Soldier by Eminem. But he didn't like the song Purple Pills. He had me look up the lyrics to see why. He hated the line, “stuff my nose with coke,” and the line, “I pop four E's at one time.”

“Only dumbfucks pop four E's at one time.”

He had a song for me to listen to, by him. The song Trading War Stories. I looked it up and remembered it. When Ted had lived at our house, he had listened to Tupac all the time. This was my favorite Tupac song! I downloaded it right away and started listening to it.

But when I listened to it, there was a problem. It was heavily edited and blipped. It sounded wretched. It interfered with the happiness of listening to the song. I told Tupac this. He said, “I think it's fine.” Later, my guides told me he was actually pissed.

Help Like Jesus: Part 28

Well, what are we doing today, Salioness? My spirit guides asked me.

It's up to you, you're in charge, I replied.

We think you better stop asking us what to do, and do things yourself. We think it's a good day for awesome fun in the sun.

What?

Fun in the sun! We love that phrase in the spirit world! Everyone does!

I hate that phrase. It's dumb.

Well, you're not with us yet, are you?

What are we really going to do today?

Believe in love.

Really?

Not really. Get your computer and go work on your book.

I feel deathly ill, from all the Adderall withdrawals and such.

Well, that's no good. Maybe you should pop a presciption ativan.

That will not help my concentration issues.

It will not, but it will keep you from doing the dwerp de dwerp.

True that.

Well, what do you want to do today?

Eat some food at the Quickee Mart.

You need to watch your weight, my dear. We think you will understand why you have to breathe oxygen if you don't know how to work it in the garden. We understand your weight problem, it is a pressing problem. But right now, you are ascending! Wooh! Ascension!

What are you talking about?

Spiritual planes. There are many of them. Whenever something weird happens to you, it is because you are ascending spiritual planes. Like back in 2007, for example. We put you on the meth head plane. Back in 2007, we wanted to help you out so we took you off the meth head plane and put you on the other funny plane there is no name for that is used as a precursor to enlightenment. That was your, “enlightenment.” We told you that at the time, that's why you got that word in your head. You didn't know you would reach enlightenment before that, that's why when we told you, you made that little puppy conscious!

You mean I'm going to reach enlightenment?

You did already. Back after you were in the hospital and you went through dark night of the soul. We didn't tell you that, did you? When you remembered that you were the only one on Earth, that was true dark night of the soul. Not what is written about it, the origin of the term.

I reached enlightenment already? What? I feel hardly different at all!

Not really, but a pillar of enlightenment. When you reach the next pillar, it will be music to your ears. You will be at peace, everyone will think you are having a good life. And you will be smart as a jiffy.

When will this happen?

During the guardianship trial, before the final hearing. When you are living on your own. It's not a pretty process, enlightenment. But it is marvelous.

When will I die?

Someday, when you are around 57. You will be shot. You knew this already, didn't you?

I did, somewhat. When will I become one with myself again?

You need to attach another energy cord. An ego cord. You lost your ego in dark night.

An ego cord?! But I wanted that puppy out the window!

Be that as it may, your ego is helpful. You understand little of how it works, the ego. It is absolutely essential. So, right now, energy work!

I lay down and thought hard and deep.

Okay, right here. Imagine a cord. Now, put wings on it. Now, happy! Happy! HAPPY!

Poof!

There, your ego is now an energy cord. One more cord to get rid of. The Waterworld cord.

What's that?

The water rising dreams. We attached a lovely cord to give you nightmares. Yes, they do have to do with global warming. No, they are not realistic. Yes, this is a real issue, global warming, but it's not going to flood the Earth. So, snippy snippy!

I cut the cord.

Did you want to do something else, Salioness?

Like what?

We could tell you how to talk to objects. It's not that fun, but it is interesting for people who have never done it before. First, look right there, at that box. Now, ask it to talk to you.

I did so.

What? I said out loud, speaking from the perspective of the box.

How are you? I asked.

Not so! The box responded.

What are you doing?

Making fun!

What does it mean?

Little at all!

What do you talk to other objects about?

Coconuts!

That's it. We're done. They do talk to other objects, we don't know what they talk about. They always say coconuts. Except some say bread, and others say cereal. Let's do something else now. Look up there, at those plates. They need help. Objects hate being used for purposes other than there intended purpose. Tell them that they would rather be decorations than plates. It will improve the energy of the room a little bit.

One by one, I talked to the plates. When I got the third one, it told me it was scared, it was up so high! I told it to relax. When I got to the last one, it said it was afraid of a spirit in the room. A very, very dark spirit. It was going to use some intense magic to get rid of the spirit.

Do objects really have magic? I asked.

They do, but it is very weak and ineffective.

Let's use your old picture trick a little bit. Talk to the pictures, open the portal, and ask questions.

I drew up a picture of Crystal. Breathing deeply, I opened the portal. She said hi.

Do you understand your fate, you will become an object?

I do not. I don't believe in the purpose of those things.

If you were an object, would you like to be used for purposes other than your intended purpose?

I think so. Because I'd like to be... violated.

I closed the portal. We laughed, really hard.

Why does she say she wants to be violated? Someone asked.

She is into kinky, kinky things.

Help Like Jesus: Part 26

We walked to the Quickee Mart for an energy drink and a salad. While I ate, I decided not to eat anymore food, because my weight was going up. I was worried about that. My guides told me, do not worry, it is only temporary weight associated with double puberty. When I got home, I watched the Simpsons on TV. I laughed a little at the jokes. Wow! Laughter at the television! I wasn't used to this.

Then I watched to Big Bang Theory, and laughed the whole time. My dad made a comment about it. “I heard you laughing down there,” he said suspiciously. “I was just watching TV,” I told him.

Weird. He thought it was weird that I was laughing. When I laughed now, I relaxed more in the muscles in my laughter place. It happened because I was going off Adderall. Adderall did that to most people, suppressed laughter and emotion.

I went home from the gym, and walked to a bench a little ways away from my house, and sipped a coffee. My guides told me something.

Okay, we want to tell you something about Melvin. When you see him, he's going to try to put something in your mouth.

I was startled. His penis? The obvious answer.

No, not your mouth. Your mouth!

My mouth?

Your mental mouth!

What's the mental mouth?

Your place of ideas!

My thought processes?

Not really, he is going to try to get you to accept something. We will tell you what it is if you guess correctly.

Upon guessing, I discovered what they thought he would say. I was Jesus Christ. Seemed kind of unlikely, I told them. They said you might think so now, but wait until after the guardianship trial, when you are famous and doing wonderful things for the world!

I don't believe it, but what is your purpose?

It is not true. Don't believe it, Salioness. Don't believe it! You are not Jesus! Keep telling yourself that! You are not Jesus!

I finished my coffee and walked home. On the way, I watched a bird lay and egg. It was pretty intense, but the labor pains won out and the bird keeled over and died. I picked up the egg and took it home and set it on the mantle. Later the egg hatched and became a butterfly, and flew away home!

We sat in the family room. My guides had something to tell me.

Look right there. That's a genie bottle. We understand why you like I Dream of Jeannie, your sister likes it too. This is why she likes you, because you both like it.

Look right there. It's a stuffed moose. Remember the time your grandma gave you a moose, you didn't want it until your sister indicated that she wanted it, then you decided you would rather have it and took it home and slept with it and she tried to steal it from your bed? That is why she doesn't like you. It made her really angry.

Look right there. It's an easter basket. The Easter bunny is actually a real bunny, and lives alone with no one to talk to until Easter, when he comes out and pretends to give eggs to all the children....

What? That's not true!

No, it's not. It was funny, though. We want that in your book.

It wasn't that funny.

We do get Earth humor, but not that well. It's not the same as our humor.

What's a funny joke to you?

We'll tell you one. Your mom's a bitch, she washes dishes, she's a witch!

That's not funny!

It's not really a funny Earth joke, but it is a well-known one.

I was lying in the computer room when I got a cord headed toward me. It was a little cord. My guides said it was Melvin, picking an egg. We waited, he picked one. Then he picked another. Then he tried to book another, for he wanted three children. I wouldn't let him pick three.

Watch it. They are easy to pick, hard to remove. If you don't have these kids with him, bad things happen.

What happens?

Nothing for you, but it is very bad luck for us, and in turn you.

I went to the nail salon, and they were working on my feet. As I worked, I felt all the negativity work out of my back muscles as I sat on the back massager. When they were done, my guides informed me of something.

He tried to pick another egg while you were sitting here. We blocked it.

As I walked, I felt sprinkles come down on my uterus. Melvin was blessing my uterus.

When I left the house the next morning, God spoke to me. He told me to wash my mouthwash items for they hold an evil power. I looked up. It was starting to rain. He told me, watch out, make out with a man, and your guides will not like you anymore.

We were walking down the street, when a police car stopped. It turned around, did a U-turn. As we watched it, my guides said that that was the police giving up hope on our house. They were serious.

As we left the house another night, my guides told me I was living the lifestyle of a rich famous transexual, and I should do my hair and makeup to celebrate the rising of the unleavened bread. When I got up the next morning, I did my hair and makeup. We looked at the picture of my beauty, and told the men to back down and suffocate on breadcrumbs, for only a prince like Melvin was worthy of me.

I didn't like Chance all that much. I wondered why I thought I did. They told me he attached a wonky romance cord to me. We needed to get rid of them! I sat down on the side of the road and got rid of all the wonky romance cords from Melvin to me. They made me want him to like me with a sense of paranoia and suicidal ideations if he did not.

That's not really what they did though. More than anything else, they wanted me to please him in an emotional sense more than anyone else on the planet. I had the same cord attached to me, via Brandon. On a very deep subconscious level, men and women send out very strong, wonky romance cords to unsuspecting victims. People attach, thinking it means they are going to be in a romantic relationship with them. My guides called them joke cords, meaning they were joking when they sent out these cords. They were horrific cords to have attached to you. I had the same cord attached by Brandon and Melvin both. It was a cord to make me care more about their opinion than anyone else's. They were horrific, very unsexy, the way they made you feel like you had to please this one person all the time, everywhere you went. Does this please master? Does this please master? Over and over and over again. Then, there were never any moments when you could take back the decision to attach these horrific, unsexy cords. These cords were so bad it was hard to imagine why Melvin kept trying to attach the same wonky romance cord to me night after night, over and over and over again. The same one. Night after night. When I was already feeling kind of obsessive and neurotic about how much I wanted him to like me. This is what made times at Innercept so hard, I had a very, very, incredibly active one attached to Brandon, and he hated me. So night after night, day after day, I knew he hated me and that tore me open and killed me very softly inside because I liked him, he hated me, I had this wonky romance cord attached to me, and he did not ever talk to me ever to tell me he didn't actually hate me he just didn't want anymore messages from a deluded person. After I left Innercept, my guides had cut this cord. Promptly, Melvin attached the same cord. Then, I proceeded to put some energy into liking him, as I did not want to be obsessed with Brandon anymore. This worked all too well. Now I had the same problem with Melvin. No, it wasn't as bad, because I knew Melvin liked me. Still, we were not in a relationship, and we never spoke anymore. I was just worried all the time that I needed to have a good facebook status to impress. It was really bad. And then, night after night, he proceeded to send the same wonky romance cord because he didn't know that it worked all too well. I attached several of them, but after awhile, I had decided I didn't need anymore of his wonky romance cords. Early in my life, I had had a wonky romance cord attached to me by Melvin, back in the eighth grade. Back then, it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't a very powerful one, and I didn't put a whole lot of energy into liking him. I remember the dreams though, and stuff of that nature that was obnoxious but it wasn't a big deal. Later, when I started high school, my guides cut this wonky romance cord in one fall swoop. Then, when I sent him the Weird Zombie Girl friend requests, he attached more. Over and over again, in and out and in and out. I wondered why he felt the desire to send so many wonky romance cords but never actually talk to me ever. He told me on the spiritual plane he was busy. He wanted to, but he was busy. Always busy.

Time to listen to music, we have a song for you!

Is it the Kesha song?

Not the Kesha song, we know how much you like that song. It is another song you like a lot.

Ever since I got back from the hospital, I always wanted to listen to the Kesha song. They said it was okay, I was no longer in that spiritual state which requires abstinence from the Kesha song. It was a good song to romp around and pretend to be a girly girl to.

I picked up my iPhone. Like always, three different artists called out to me. It went Eminem, Coldplay, Nickelback. Eminem, because he wanted to talk to me about the guardianship trial. Coldplay, because they wanted to be more appreciated and were calling out to me for help. Nickelback, because of the energy of the band. Over pushing their songs on the radio, trying to get more air play. They had a bunch of really awful songs that were overplayed on the radio all the time, without looking at how it would affect their image. That's why everyone hated Nickelback. Crappy overplayed songs on the radio.

It's none of those artists, which you hate so much. It is time for a good song by Lady Gaga. Now, watch your rhythm and harmony box, we are going to dance!

I danced around to the song Telephone by Lady Gaga. We danced together, made rainbows, and watched airplanes fly overhead. When everything was done and done, we ate bread and played hopscotch.

It was time to watch television. I watched Cspan and drank coffee. My guides told me that the same things I enjoyed on Adderall, I would enjoy off Adderall. Like watching the news and drinking coffee. It was fun, we learned about the environment, and afterwards, we read the bible and did some bible verses.

When all was said and done, things were good. Things were great. Things were fantastic.