There is an issue between me and my parents regarding them and respect. First, they slap a guardianship on my the first chance they got. So bam, you got a mental illness, now we are legally your parents for the rest of your life.
Then, here comes Innercept. I go to this treatment center off in North Idaho, one where well-off parents typically send their kids just to get them off their hands. "Your parents love you so much!" This is what I heard from every single staff member who talked to my parents.
Every single phone call when the staff members were out of ear shot, every single home visit, every single time I spent time with them off Innercept campus. I told my parents, this place isn't really going to help me. You are spending lots and lots of money for an incredibly shitty product. What my mom always said to me was, "BUT YOU'RE WORTH IT RACHEL!" And what my dad always said to me was, "there is something special about the environment there that aids recovery. Just wait, you'll see."
This is the thing that gets me. We do not respect you, Rachel. You tell us we are wasting your money, we don't believe you for one second. Instead, we are spending our entire life savings on helping you. THIS IS AN INVESTMENT IN YOUR FUTURE!
I'm looking at this program and I'm like, seriously, how will this help me? What are we doing in this program that isn't a complete waste of time? The groups consist of, talking about the same subject over and over again. There are way too many conversations about collusion. Way to many conversations about anger management. It's kind of soothing hearing that guy get excited about the same story over and over again, but still. What is this place doing to help me in any way at all? Absolutely nothing! And my parents look at me and say, Rachel, you are mentally ill. We do not trust your judgment at all, even for one second. We know better than you. You think this place isn't going to help? Right! We read the brochure! This place is outstanding!
Instead, we sit around, talking about the four quadrants over and over again. Here's what goes in the upper left hand quadrant. Thoughts and feelings that no one else can see. Here, this is what goes up in the upper right hand quadrants, things about your inner state that other people can see. Down in the lower right hand quadrant goes, obvious physical things, like dogs and trees in the environment. In the lower right left hand quadrant goes, shared values.
I remember doing this exercise, over and over again, for everything you can think of, from Paris Hilton to my pet dog.
Does this exercise have any applicable value in the real world? Nope. Just something we like to do at Innercept.
BUT IT WAS THE MENTAL ILLNESS EDUCATION RACHEL! My mom says to me. That's what helped you.
Right, mental illness education. Biggest joke I have ever heard of in my entire life. Every time I try to locate any sort of mental illness education I got at Innercept in my mind, I draw a complete blank. People urge me and urge me to read books on bipolar disorder. Like if I read one, there will be this very strong clicking noise in my brain I will immediately understand that this is the mental illness I have. No more hiding anymore, I am bipolar.
Like I don't understand already what bipolar disorder looks like. Seriously, it's not that hard to understand.
My dad admitted to me, we have no money for retirement. We get sick of paying my sister's rent because we are trying as hard as we can to save up for retirement. My parents are in their mid sixties now. My dad made an incredibly large sum of money early on in his career helping start up a tech company. Where did all that money go?
I tell them, as clearly as I possibly can, this treatment center you went to, please pull me out and don't waste your money. They look at me and say, your judgment is off Rachel, we are spending every dime we have on this place because it's an investment in your future. I'm looking at them and thinking, you people are my legal guardians? GET ME OUT!
What does this place cost? Ten grand a month? How long was I there? Four and a half years? Misleading, because different stages of the program cost different sums of money. But not really, because a place in the program called stabilization costs a lot more and they send you there at the drop of a hat.
On top of that, my parents are worried about my sister. My mom looks at me with sad eyes and says, we do not have enough money to send her to a treatment center like Innercept.
What is with you people and expensive prisons? You admitted to me you thought Innercept was a scam. You think I am so out of the loop I don't know you people really badly don't have that much money anymore? And right, you would do the same thing all over again with Kristen. You admitted to me you thought Innercept was a scam. It did not help. But hey, every case is different, right?
So this is the situation with Rachel Zuhl. We do not trust your judgment. You can't tell us this treatment center will be ineffective, we know better. You can't trust your own judgment, Rachel. We keep telling you that. We don't trust it, you shouldn't either.
And every time I hear this, there is a song lyric that goes through my head. The lyric is "How can I be sure I'm here?" The song is Fear of a Blank Planet by Porcupine Tree.
And as I sit here, the chanting in my head grows stronger and stronger. RACHEL ZUHL! RACHEL ZUHL! RACHEL FUCKING ZUHL!
You can tell me as many times as I want not to trust my own judgment. I still do. Till the day I die, I will never doubt my own judgment. The people whose judgment I doubt is my parents.
That's the legend of the angry blond for you.
