Rachel's Problematic Worldview Issue

Rachel sees souls as not human. She doesn't understand the drive for sex but understands drugs lead to less Earth Plane associated depression, a problem that gets worse with age. Rachel forgets all the rules of physics and sees space as either filled or empty. In reality though it doesn't exist because we are all part of God's computer program. This leads to depression though, that space is either empty or filled because it makes strip malls with chain stores look like gigantic boogers on the sidewalk or have some similar wonky effect I thought I wasn't supposed to share with others due to Earth Plane Pride.

Lebirdikus: A Sacred Text

And no man shoud take a woman and sleep with her without her permission, by penalty of death.

No woman should take a man without his permission, upon penalty of psychological evaluation.

No women should wear makeup on the streets, or in public, upon penalty of fine.

All drug smugglers shall be put to death.

Women should be forced to consider adoption upon learning she is pregnant. Abortion should be used if the woman is not healthy enough to carry a baby to term or in instance of rape/incest.

Cannabis should be used as a tool in all mental institutions/hospital settings, for whatever reason UNTIL deemed unhelpful, on an individual basis.

Child molesters are put to death, no exceptions.

No one should be forced into treatment without his/her permission.

Dr. Ulrich > Dr. Moses Ijaz "HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? It happened, okay. That guy gives me the creeps."

God's Mark: A History of Flesh

When God first conceived of the world in his imagination, it took but a few hours to intertwine his inner masterpiece with a set in stone formula to set off a chain reaction to create His New Dystopian Universe.

"Which ones will obey you?" The devil asked, coming from some point in the process.

"I do not know for sure."

"Do you like some better than others?" the devil asked.

"To a certain extent."

But nevermind the righteous, what happens to the wicked?

"They all go to heaven."

"What if they don't accept Jesus Christ?"

"If Rachel coming from an atheist family can be convinced that Jesus Christ rose from the dead 2000 years roughly after it happened, I have hope for all souls."

The devil cringed at her name spoken aloud. Then he left.

Rachel appeared on a log with a broken foot. "Is he gone?"

"Yes, but he shall return."

"I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS GOD!!! DON'T MAKE ME!!!"

"Now darling, ignorance is bliss. When you finally figure out you were maimed cognitively by the lord, the hard part will be over."

"AND MATTHEW TOO!!! YOU MAKE A FOOL OF YOUR FAVORITES!!"

"Now, are you and Matthew of one flesh?"

Rachel looked at God and sighed. "No, but..."

"Something's slightly askew in your mind if you don't think you have to humble yourself and truly embrace the principle of sacrifice for service. End. Of. Discussion."

Which was a reference to Pastor Kurt on the spiritual plane saying you would trust an authority if you needed to believe a story to get into heaven, end. of. discussion.

What else? This story will be completed later, but for now I will point out that I wear the biggest grin on my face most of the time but inside I am in tatters and want this life to end so that I can get some sort of relief from something broken inside me, which I trust there is soul work for.

To be continued...

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 27

What is your name, little girl? Alfred asked me one night.

Rachel! I screamed at him, with my eyes open.

Stop! Look! Look! What's that? Ice cream? Oh boy, ice cream! He showed himself as a little boy, chasing after an ice cream truck.

Awww... I sighed.

What is it, Sugar Plum? You get warm fuzzies when people get excited about food. Why is that, Sugar Plum?

I don't know, reminds me of my childhood.

Oh boy, alligator brains! Mm mm!

Awww!

That didn't work as well, did it, Sugar Plum?

No, not really. I don't think that's a food a little kid would like.

Time to go to the playground! Oh, no! And then he shows himself being hit by a van.

Awwww! I was saddened by this, in a good way.

You're sick, you know that? You like seeing me run over because it makes you feel sad in a good way! Well that's just sick! Oh boy, tacos! He shows himself going up to a dinner table covered with tacos.

That's so sweet!

Oh no, bus! He shows himself being hit by a bus.

Awwww!

One more thing, he told me. Lie down on the ground right here, Sugar Plum.

In my mind, I lay down where he told me to.

Now, watch the stars!

I watched the stars. As I watched, a meteor came down and landed right on top of me, killing me.

Awwww! Alfred exclaimed. How cute! It killed you!

I laughed and decided this game was funny, but not true of how I really felt about tragedies.

Burn Like Jesus: 25 & 26

I sat downstairs, sipping some juice, while Alfred made me laugh, over and over again. On the way back upstairs, I noticed that I didn't believe that I was psychic anymore. I believed it was all a mental illness, delusional, that's what I was.

“Go outside, Salioness,” my guides told me.

“Okay, now do a spell right here. Another one. Another one.” they told me to do about eight spells, then I could go back inside.

What was that? I asked.

“Your father was sending you doubting energy. Yes, they can do that. It makes you feel like you don't believe in anything anymore, especially the things that matter most.”

I wanted to go back in and bitch him out, yell at him, but I knew that would be worthless. He wouldn't know what I was talking about, it came from far down in his subconscious. If I yelled at him, he would send more bad energy.

Why don't you go inside and pretend you like him? Then, maybe he will stop sending you doubting energy, my guides suggested.

I think not, I will go back up to my room. I am so pissed right now I don't know what to do.

Let's talk about your attitude problem, Rachel, Alfred said.

Why do you think I have an attitude problem?

Because you don't understand that I'm not like them...

What do you mean?

I have thoughts and wondrous ideas, too, sweetheart. Like your father. Just make him a piece of cake, and he will love you forever! It's easy, sweetheart. That's not it. When you go upstairs tonight, watch your perfume intake, it keeps away the sting rays.

Chapter 26

What are we going to do now, Alfred? I asked Alfred one night.

“I am going to show you something intriguing.”

I closed my eyes. There was a wispy strand of something, it came down to the floor, and started dancing like a tornado. There was something about the dimensions and movement of the wisp that freaked me out.

“Ahhhhh!!!” I yelled.

That's something from another plane. Something that freaks people out, because it means danger. Here, let's do something else. I am going to get my hair cut!

I watched, as a barber cut Alfred's hair. When he was done, I saw a wave in his hair, the dimensions of which also freaked me out.

Again, something from another plane. Here's something else interesting.

He showed a picture of two buckets, swaying from side to side, letting out an acidic mixture. It scared me a little as well.

It's a sanitary plant on another plane. It freaks out a lot of the citizens, too. So bad, they had to build a wall around the plant so that people couldn't see it. Boy, was that a big deal! Alfred scoffed and smiled.

I want to show you one more thing. Watch this! He showed human like figures, crawling up an invisible surface perpendicular to the ground, with a certain movement that reminded me of something. I was reminded of a Britney Spear's Concert I went to with my sister, and they were performing the song Everytime, and they had people crawling up like this. Something about the combination of the human figures, and the music... evoked a very, very funny feeling in me when I saw it. Something which I could not describe.

It wasn't a psychological trick, dipshit. They didn't intend it to do that. It reminded you of something on another plane, first lifetime. The emotional connotations of the music when along with the emotions those things evoke. They are not bad, but they are very deadly. Do not get near one of those things, ever.

Well Played, Donald Trump

Are you happy? I read your picture, and can plainly see the answer is no. You actually envy me sometimes. I understand why, I mean, I am famous in heaven. But you are not fit to be president again. Will being a two-term president make you happy?

If you think I really want to give you a BJ, guess again. That was something I said when I was under a powerful love spell. You are not a worthless spirit like the devil, and I say show it, stand up to the devil. He influences you, you know. Last night, I had to take the mattress from my room in the hospital to a different room, just to sleep away from the devil, hoping my spirit guides would get rid of him.

You are smart enough to put two and two together. You proved the existence of witchcraft, yes. You may have beaten me, but you will not beat the Son of Man when he comes down from heaven. Get ready to have your arse wipped.

He will outdo you. And you will go down in history as the antichrist. Be great, and be original.

Are you really evil? That's what I want to know. I don't think so, and that's because I think the highest of you.

And now that the spell is gone, I wouldn't suck on old man's cock in a million years, or unless there was a particularly powerful spell over me. However, I would if... (Okay Rachel, enough -Spirit Guides).

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 24

We walked to the store and bought a Rockstar. As we sat and sipped, Elvis Presley said something to me about my reading habits.

We don't expect you to read yet, Salioness. Your brain is still recovering from the cocaine usage.

I walked back to the house. At the house, we decided to do a reading for my friend Chance.

He is planning on talking to you very shortly, but he doesn't know that you like him. He thinks you are really funny on facebook, but you don't show that you like him at all. You need to do that, or else he may never try to talk to you. He is busy, really busy, with work. He works hard not at all, but he does it a lot to make money. He hates work, hates his job, hates his life, but likes you. Do, help him find a better career for himself.

I thought this was bad advice.

We have a better guide for you to talk to. Antonio, he is a better guide of his.

“Hi. I think you would do better with Adam. chance is a good guy if you like being thrown around like a piece of meat. I don't like him but he is my client. We don't use the world client in the spirit world because it implies we do not want to work with them, which I do not, but I signed on for the job without pay. He is good at playing with women's hearts, throwing them out the window, and then eating supper. When he goes home at night, he watches television all night long and dreams of all the women he wants to screw, but can't screw, because they don't want to. If he had you, he'd use you, use you, use you, and you would never hear the end of how much he wanted you to suck his cock. He is all about that, getting his cock sucked, none of that equal, woman on man, man on woman, whatever, he likes it but prefers the act of getting his cock sucked. He is a really bad guy, I hate him. You would hate him too. We think Adam is a better fit for you.”

After listening to Antonio tell me how horrible chance was, I didn't really like him anymore.

We decided to write a blog. I was writing about the day I was struck with a case of misconstrued ideas and my rights were taken away. I wrote, and Alfred offered advice on what to say. He was on a role, and I was laughing really hard. Until he said something that wasn't funny, which was intended to be funny. I stopped, and something funky went on in my head.

What's wrong, Sugar Plum?

I was trying not to feel bad for him for not being funny, but I knew I really just didn't get the joke. Still, it was hard. I was trying to pretend that everything was okay, not remembering that he can read all my thoughts.

What's wrong, Sugar Plum? Do you understand my sense of humor, or are you ready to remove me from your friends list? Owww... My brain, something funny happened. I was trying not to feel bad for him, knowing full well that it was just me who didn't get the joke.

My guides spoke to me. It was spirit humor. Something you don't understand about the Earth plane. We thought it was funny.

Still, I couldn't stop thinking about it. As I went on writing, part of my attention was focused back on the crappy joke. I tried to redirect that attention, knowing that it was me who didn't get the joke, but I worried that I had made him sorry he told the joke. And I didn't want to make him feel guilt, guilt about telling a bad joke and hurting my brain.

I kept wondering, in the back of my head, “Is he sorry? Is he sorry he told the bad joke?”

Look, I'm not sorry I said it, Toots. All I worry about is this rampant brain damage you have from all the medication.

I knew that's what it was, brain damage. And I realized, that didn't make it any better. Now I was worried that my brain was broken from all the prescription drugs I had taken. And I realized how awful my situation was.

We wrote the blog and finished it, and I went downstairs for more channeling. As I channeled, my brain was still stuck on that bad joke. Not because there was anything it needed to see, but it was like an infinite loop in my mind, and part of the processing power was taken up by whatever it was doing at the time it heard the bad joke.

Let's channel your grandfather! He has some advice for you!

Why don't you pretend you are a rabbit and eat some celery? He said. Celery will help replenish the brain so you won't have these problems. You have more problems like this when you are tired and low in electrolytes.

I did as I was told. Still, my processing power was diminished. I kept trying to ignore the problem, and pretend it had gone away... When Alfred would come and say, “Page open?”

He did this over and over again. He thought it might help to address the problem, and it was a good theory, but it actually made it worse. Putting more thought processes into the infinite loop made it grow in power.

Eventually, we called it a night and went to bed. It was gone by morning, but my shame and guilt about it was not. I was worried that Alfred hated me because I didn't like his joke and it hurt my brain. We talked a lot about this in weeks to come, and more pages open popped up, with other issues. They grew in intensity if they were addressed. Always over minor things, things that didn't really bother me very much, but hit me at the wrong moment when I was in a bad state. This happened, caused me a great deal of shame, and I was always embarrassed. It was constant, ceaseless, never-ending, being embarrassed over dumbfuck problems my brain caused me, made me feel like I was fragile and was so easily hurt by things people said, when really it was a biochemical reaction.

Anal Sex: A Precautionary Dream

Let's go back to me at the tender age of 11 or 12. We were in gym class one day, and I was partially brain dead because of the social predicament, which caused me to take a deep interest in my dreams since there wasn't much drama or excitement in day to day life. In gym class one day I randomly remembered I dream I had had the night before, in a stage of REM sleep where you wouldn't normally remember your dreams upon waking. I remembered a terrifying dream I had had, where there were teenagers, playing some sort of game, and when you lost the punishment was you had to cut a muscle off from your neck with a guillitine-like device. The teenagers laughed and said no worries, we are not wimpy babies who care about that. The muscle on the neck was attractive.

Eventually, when I got to the right age in my spiritual training with my spirit guides, they told me the dream wasn't actually about peer pressure to use drugs which is what I originally thought. It was about anal sex. I should never have anal sex, I wouldn't enjoy it, and it would cause destruction to the anus to make pooping uncomfortable, something people don't talk out loud about. For me personally, it would make pooping in altered states with the spirit world looking at my thoughts impossible.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 23

We went to the mall, and I walked around and looked at the pots. When we went to Hot Topic, there was a necklace with a little bee on it.

“Buy it.” said Alfred.

I did so, reluctantly. It became a cherished symbol of the two of us. When we went to the next store, a girl looked at me and scoffed. I stared her down and smiled, wanting to beat that bitch's ass, but did not.

I went home. At home, Alfred had an animation to show me.

This is us, walking to the store. He showed a picture of two extravagantly dressed young folk walking exuberantly. When we neared the store, the store exploded with gun fire. As we neared the other end of the walkway, a mad man came out carrying money bags.

This is where you would be if it wasn't for us. Not really, but that's what you think, huh?

I watched some more. He showed a picture of a girl from a movie, called Swim Fan. “You love me! I know it! I know it!” It was a movie with a creepy girl who stalks a guy. He used this one over and over again, until he wore it out.

What's up, little man? He showed a picture of a small person walking down a large staircase. As he nears the bottom, a ribbon cutting ceremony is taking place. As he steps over the ribbon, he gets his picture taken and he falls to the floor in a comical fashion. I laughed.

Time for a bath! Alfred screamed. Suds flew everywhere, as the windows and doors were overtaken by heavy bubble bath. I laughed.

One more, he said. Then it's time to listen to Nicki Minaj, Starships. He showed a picture of myself, walking down the stairs. When I neared the bottom, Nicki Minaj showed me how to tango with an alien.

I went downstairs and danced to the song Starships. When I was done, my dad told me to unload the dishwasher. I did so, reluctantly. Afterwards, I sat down with some coconut water.

My dad looked at me and scowled. “Where's your coaster?” he said with intense seriousness.

“I don't need a coaster this is cardboard!” I replied angrily.

“You little... You don't pay for the furniture, it is expensive! When you have bought your own furniture and ruined it due to lack of coaster using, you will thank me for my coaster advice! You can't tell what needs a coaster or not, it has to have a coaster! Why if I could tell you one piece of good advice to last you a lifetime, it would be always use a coaster!”

I scoffed, got up and left. “Monstrosity!” I said out loud.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 22

Where do you think you are going, missy? Alfred asked me as I went to the shower room.

I am going to take a shower!

Not without your mascara brush, little girl! He scowled at me from above.

I took a shower, and Alfred told me a story. The two of us were walking down a road. When we got to the end, we parted ways. When we got to the end of those roads, we rejoiced, for we were back on the same road. Then, a large peacock swooped down and stole my blush container, and I was pale for the rest of eternity.

Always wear blush. It makes your face look more attractive.

He told me another story. We were walking to the grocery store. On the way, I stopped for a Jolt. On the way back, I lost touch with my spirit guides from the caffeine crash.

Never walk to the store anymore. It is too far. Ask for them to drive you, lazy nitwits. They should if it's that important that they have a happy and healthy daughter.

One more story. One girl named Ramona was walking to the towel store. When she got to the towel store, they were plumb out of towels that suited her fancy. As she bought a small rag, a wondrous young man took her by the hand, and she used the rag to pat her mouth before kissing him.

You do not do kisses with lipstick ever. Men hate that.

He was joking, because of my misguided belief about lipstick last year.

When we walked to the grocery store for real, I bought coconut water. On the way back, my dad called me and asked where I was. I said at Trader Joe's. He made me mad for acting like I wasn't supposed to go there.

Monstrosity! Alfred said.

We walked home and drank coconut water. On the way, I stopped for an energy drink. It was a Red Bull. As I slurped, a wondrous female entity came up to me and asked me for my information.

“I am making a book of all the regular customers of this deli, and I needed your information for the book!” she exclaimed with excitement.

It's a trap, she's going to follow you to your house. Don't give her your address, Alfred said.

What is this woman you speak of? Ramona? She is dead to you, pretty girl. Dead! Alfred exclaimed. He did an animation in my mind. A woman walking alone down a path, taking a wrong turn, and ending up at a privileged home for white boys.

Watch out! Don't make a fuss of the angel, little girl, Alfred said. As he did so, an angel appeared, and entered my body, to help my endocrine system. We laughed and cheered, for we were hoping that would happen.

On the way home, I found a nickel on the ground. Don't look at the date, it's not a good year, said my guides. I looked and it was 2013. But it is a good year! Doubt! Doubt! Maybe you aren't real after all.

Relax, little girl. We did not look, remarkable woman.

Then, we came upon another spirit wandering randomly through the office park. “What do you want, woman? I am looking for my child, she is lost in this place. You are nothing, nothing, nothing!”

I heard the spirits around me. “MORPHINE!!!” one screamed.

Another one came up behind me. “Don't look down!”

Why did it say that?

It was probably someone falling off a cliff, and he was told not to look down. Don't worry about these scumbags, these are bad spirits.

We walked home, and went up to my room.

Time for a show!

Alfred did an animation of a ballgame. A woman was at bat. She hit the ball as hard as she could, but could not find her way to first base. On the way to second, she stumbled and fell and broke her ribs.

This is you, if you move too fast in the relationship, Alfred said. Do not worry about that at all. He wants to go quickly. But you do not, I know you. So take it easy. Wait for sex on the third date, if at all. Guys expect it on the third date.

He did another animation. A wombat, looking cute and cuddly. A woman entered, took him off the ceiling, and fed him women. When he ate women, he became strong and healthy. Then, he looked at himself in the mirror, and screamed. He had grown too big, and it was startling. He started doing crunches and exercising to get down to his original weight, but it would not come off.

You will never weigh so little again, sweetie. You have put on muscle mass that is not used for lifting, but is part of puberty. It weighs quite a bit. If you get back down to what you weighed earlier this year, you will be too skinny and people will scream and cry when they see you.

He did another animation. One where he was looking in the mirror at a picture of his face, when a girl walked in the room and barfed.

That's you. You think I'm ugly! He screamed and cried.

I don't think you're ugly, just a little bit different from what I thought you would look like is all...

Please, don't rub it in!

We walked to the Quickee Mart. On the way, a spirit screamed and howled at my face. I laughed at his small body. He screamed and told me to fuck off.

On the way back, we stopped and looked at the sights. A beautiful dog was coming up behind us. Oh God, Alfred said. I hate pets!

We walked faster to avoid the dog. On the way home, we thought we saw my dad thinking thoughts of running rampant and watching television, but we thought that must be in my head.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 21

We decided it was time for a money saving lesson, and drank less energy drinks for awhile.

As we walked home from my walk, a big wasp almost stung my forehead. As I brushed him off, Alfred said to me, “Little Baby Bee, I'mma gonna sting thee!” I whispered profanities and stared blankly ahead as we walked the rest of the steps home.

When we walked in the door, my mother was waiting for me. She told me I needed to unload the dishwasher. When I sat down on the chair, I looked at my dad. “Monstrosity!” Alfred said in a funny voice.

Later, I asked, “Why did he say that, monstrosity?”

Because his ideas are monstrous! Alfred exclaimed.

How much does it take to rule a planet? Alfred asked me one night.

About a horse shoe and a half what it takes to rule a solar system, I said.

What does it take to rule a country? Alfred asked.

About three times what it takes to rule a one time city.

Where do you think we will be in eight years, Sugar Plum?

In the White House! I exclaimed.

We waltzed into the kitchen for a snack. We picked out a banana and a watermelon slice, and ate it on the way back to my room.

When do you think you'll write to the monster under the bed?

As soon as he calls me back!

Watch out! Here comes my mother's grandfather!

What?

Someone from a past life, that you would never remember because you don't remember past lives at all.

Something is not who I want it to be. But that's all right. I will make way for another person in my best friend's list.

When will you lust after me, Sugar Plum? Lust after me, Sugar Plum, lust.

I will right now! And I rolled all over the bed in burning lust for my own soul.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 20

Well, where do you think you are going in life, Rachel? Alfred asked me.

I am going to go far... Make it to the top, watch the people on the bottom die quickly and then be reborn from the ashes. I said.

Well, what do you think you need to do to become one of the big people?

Remove myself from this house! I replied.

Maybe you should watch television a little bit more to get a feel for the current political environment, he said.

Well, that was a good idea. But what I really needed now was some responsibility in the sense that I needed something to pass the time. Alfred said he was here, don't worry about that. He would help me pass the time.

I want to tell you something about heaven, baby. Together, we are connected. We are inextricably intertwined, connected in a fashion similar to rotary blades. Those rotary blades of heaven, they are wonderful. We will experience the world, while we are connected by the wonders of the rotary blades.

Watch out! I said. Here comes Rachel and Alfred, preparing for action! The rotary blades are moving without sound!

That's it, you got it. Don't listen to anyone else, I am not your man right now. chance is. So right now, I would like you to make a cord to him. I will send you sexual energy, you direct it at chance.

I lay on the ground, and stewed in lust as Alfred sent me sexual energy. I directed the energy at Chance.

“Two can play that game!” I heard a voice say.

I waited, and a cord entered my vagina.

This is a cord that makes you happy to touch his private parts, my guides told me.

He is sending another cord!

Another cord entered my vagina.

This is a cord that makes him happy to want to touch your private parts.

One more cord!

This is a cord that makes you take pleasure in your pain. Ooh, that's a dark one!

Another cord!

This is a cord that makes him ask for sex at inopportune times.

There we go, he's out of energy.

Excellent! I like these cords! Alfred said. I think you need to do this more often. I want to see how dark this gets, when you move out with Chance!

When will he contact me? I asked.

As soon as you want him to, my guides said.

I realized that I was not ready for him to contact me. I needed more time recouping from the Adderall dependency. I needed help from my guides, so that they could allow for a time when we were better at making him want to talk to me.

Withhold information from your sister, too, Alfred said.

I already knew that. He was telling me stuff I already knew. On the outside, I wanted this to happen. On the inside, I was worried that this would be tremendously awkward.

Hey Rachel, this is Tupac. I wanted to say, don't do this. This doesn't need to happen. You don't really want to be his sex slave, you are just wanting your femininity validated.

I know, I know. But I think it's a good idea.

Not really, no. You won't be respected if you are his bitch, I mean it. Do not attach anymore cords.

Tupac made a good argument, but I understood that it was going to happen anyway. I was going to do it, because I didn't really believe these cords did anything.

These cords are more powerful than you think, my guides told me. These are some powerful cords.

I want to understand what it would be like, but I don't believe this is even going to happen, I said.

Alfred said, Watch out! She doesn't know it now, but before long, she will be pleasantly surprised with how powerful these cords are!

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 19

I lay on my bed late at night, watching Alfred's animations. He drew a picture of a horse, galloping, coming up to a stop sign, and stopping abruptly. Then, a stampede of unicorn went by, in a comical fashion.

I laughed. It was mostly visual humor, the animations he did. They were funny for reasons I couldn't describe in words. I never thought I got visual humor, but this was proof I did, I got this visual humor that was tailored exactly for my brain.

Oh no! A turtle is coming! AHHH!!! Hide! Hide! HIDE YOUR LOVED ONES! A turtle is headed straight for us! He showed people running for cover, as a small turtle came running up the hillside.

It was a reference to a dream I had had as a kid, where we were all scared and hiding in houses because we heard a turtle was coming our way. It was the classic case of a kid not knowing which animals were dangerous and which were not. I laughed hard at the sentimental reference.

Oohh! Ooohh! A friend request! AAAHHHH!!! SATAN!!!!

I laughed hard at this reference too. It was one of these meaningless phrases that kept randomly popping into my head last year. “Friend request... From Satan!” I didn't understand why that kept happening.

I watched some more. He showed a picture of a sea lion. It was sunning itself on a rock. Then a tidal wave came up, washed it away... As it was washed away, it left a picture of itself behind. I looked at it, and it became a picture of Al Gore.

Do not listen to your dreams, sweetheart. The world will not be flooded as a result of global warming. Instead, remember the manatees! And he showed a picture of manatees flooding the coast.

He did animations all night long, as I fell asleep. I lay in a half awake state, watching and giggling. After awhile, I grew worried. They were getting increasingly fast and weird. It seemed like it could be a problem with my brain.

God dammit! I am having enough trouble keeping up with your hypnagogic brain waves, now you accuse me of being a delusion? Alfred was pissed.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 18

I sat in the computer room on the couch. I asked, who is here?

Well, someone you care very deeply about is here. Your good friend Michaelangelo!

He is a good soul, a small soul that is not fully formed. He has a good eye for deception, and he was a savant. Not what most people consider a savant, but what we consider a savant.

Wicked! Who else is here?

Someone she doesn't care about is here!

That's Elvis. He's mad you don't like his music.

I don't like my music! It is bad energy for most people!

Who else I here?

Buddha is here. He was a small soul, enlightened from birth. He reached enlightenment on the other side.

Wicked! Who else is here?

Brittany Murphy is here! She has a question for you!

Okay, I was wondering... About a certain place in your life... Not there, not there... Earlier...

As I was guessing, I got the urge to grab my left boob. It was very strong.

Alfred... Stop that!

Whoops, that's what I was doing! He chortled.

It was kind of obnoxious, because I was already uncomfortable enough when some random celebrity was talking to me. I didn't need Alfred giving me the urge to grab my boobs.

There. Right there. My mind landed on the 8th grade, when I started taking Adderall.

“You needed Adderall to be happy. Why?” She said why? In a dumb fashion, like she already knew the answer.

Umm...

I was trying to be funny!

Nice try, but sorry, that wasn't funny.

Later though, I thought it was really funny.

She understands addiction. A lot of people do not understand addiction, they don't understand why you need drugs to be happy. That's the problem with the public, they don't get it! It is easy to explain to someone, well I just don't feel right without the drug, but they don't understand that, if you have everything going for you, you should be happy...

Is anyone else here? Is Freud here? I want to talk to Freud!

You can't talk to him, he won't be here. He's not a good soul, and besides, he's on another plane right now.

What about Nietchze? I want to talk to him! Is he here?

No, he's on the acid trip plane! My guides said.

What's the acid trip plane? I asked.

Cells masturbate, for no reason at all! Alfred chimed in.

Really? I laughed.

Yes, cells get off sexually, but it serves absolutely no purpose. Not a release of energy that helps in any way, not a reproductive thing. Just a fun thing to do every once in awhile. Another thing about the acid trip plane is, it's cute. Not ugly, cute. Everything is visually enticing, and weird in a good way. It freaks everyone out and they love it. We don't even consider it a plane it's so much better than the other planes. You will never go there. Only weird souls go there.

Jim or Jim? Dumb Jim, Smart Jim

Jim Besemer is a smart Jim. The other Jim, who works at Pearl House, is dumb. You have Weak Subbie Syndrome and you say things like "You love Febreeze!" because you care so much about how my parents took Fish Out of Water Psychology. And if you can't eat fish, ha ha dumb. I will poke you and prod you and tickle you if you can't eat fish because of Fish Out of Water Psychology. That's a tangent. The other dumb thing was asking me if I cared about a brand name cereal. In retrospect, I thought nothing of it at the time, it was just to point out "even though I respect people who don't care about brand name clothing, I don't respect you personally Rachel." I don't know what you do in your free time Jim, sorry if that's all you got.

Rachel and Food: A Guide

Actually, I am completely absent of "eating disorders." Which means I use food as fuel. TBH, there is sometimes a rat pounding on a lever for cocaine effect to the food thing.

Also, they told me just now Rachel you are the fat-shaming scapegoat. I was taken aback, and I did not laugh. But they told me at one point, it leads to the "bundled butt" psychological effect in others, an emotional or psychological situation I was not sure if they were capable of creating on this plane.

Actually, I like direct dopamine to the brain. Food, while I like to think it is enjoyable most of the time, obviously to me does not actually activate dopamine in the same way as it used to.

And, at some point I stopped going out to eat entirely. I might eat at a restaurant again, and I might go to the gym again. Or I will eat at Subway. But I don't like restaurant food. And the oil is gross. But I'm not hungry right now, I have nicotine gum.

The trouble with the system is this: hunger and specifically appetite will increase when ghrelin/leptin loses its precise balance, which is when I stop eating dinner or something like that.

That's why I say to anorexics, you are dumb.

"End Quote."

Yes.

The Grand Ole Amazing Calculator, And the Origins of Life

In the beginning, there was a calculator. Only a calculator. It contained two variables. Space, and souls. Both equalled zero! Being meaningless at zero, the two variabled decided to divide by each other. The answer was undefined, "well, you can't divide by zero, so... Undefined could equal the Big Bang. And everything happened!"

What happened next? Does the calculator keep on calculating? Why does it divide them? Why not use multiplication?

Well children, the "divide" function is used to ration out goods across a predetermined surface. If Molly had 3 friends and 8 sodas, she would ration the sodas by dividing 8 by 3.

So, this is about rations, or some might call it rationalizations. When we rationalize, we try to make sense of the world around us and use logical thinking...

Why divide? There is a need for something to exist rather than nothing. That's why. However....

I have to think and revisit this topic later. Hmm? Where should I go next with my sarcasm?

Thank you preacher on the Christian network for exposing this funny atheist theory.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 17

I was sitting downstairs on the couch when I heard whispered in my ear, “Raisinettes?”

I immediately thought of Heath Ledger, and his role in the movie Ten Things I Hate About You. In the movie, he is being paid to take out a girl, and he says he needs more money, because she's going to want Raisinettes. They told me that Heath had caught wind of this, and he wanted to watch. We conversed cheerfully about his movie roles, like in Ten Things I Hate About You, and about how that was kind of a childish movie.

“Well, where are your girl friends? They want in on this hot Heath action!”

“I don't have girl friends.”

“Well, where are your bisexual male friends then? They want in on this hot Heath action!”

“I don't have any bisexual male friends, that I know of.

“Well, then you should tell your friend Catherine? She wants in on this hot Heath action!”

“I don't understand the question.”

“Well, give it a rest then. You'll be in on this hot Heath action!” And that was it. I was back to conversing with the spirit guides.

A couple days later, I was sitting on the couch downstairs when there was a haunting melody in my ear. It was a melody played on the piano in 6th grade by a guy I knew in 4th grade. His name was Lincoln. Todd had told me that Lincoln, a guy in our high school class, had died awhile ago. I hadn't known Lincoln, but we were in the same 4th grade class.

“Hello, this is your friend Lincoln. Just watching you in your living room.”

“Hey ho!”

My spirit guides spoke to me. “This man trounced in, we said, hey, you knew this girl on the Earth plane, the girl who is doing the mission! Why, looky here, she has a melody played by you right here in her memory banks!”

“They told me it was probably a girl I despised, because she used to be fat in 4th grade. But I didn't remember her, so I thought, hey, maybe we'll hit it off?”

This kind of thing became the norm. Another time, I was sitting up in my room, and I heard a haunting Earth melody: “Ah di doo, ah di doo, ah di day....” It was a song I recognized from camp, their was a lady at camp who wrote and performed this song. I remembered my sister saying that this lady had died, from some sort of degenerative disease. We attended that camp several times.

She's just stopping by, seeing what the hubbub was about... Of course she doesn't remember you, but what a coincidence! You went to the same camp she did!

We conversed a little bit, and she was interesting in a fun way. Lots and lots of people conversed with me, subconsciously... I didn't know what we were talking about consciously, but I got it subconsciously. I always wondered, on a conscious level, what's the point of conversing with me subconsciously? I have little to no awareness down there in the sub... But, it changed my opinions of people on a conscious level, when we hit it off subconsciously.

Public Urination: This Neat Trick Makes it EASY!

One time, I was on the bus and I stood up. That's what happened.

Wait, public urination is illegal?

I urinate in public all the time so I'm not law-abiding. What a stupid law.

Another law I don't trust is open containers in public.

And, who cares about KFC?

I pissed in your dumpter area. Right outside the dumpstur. It was easy to find the neural pathway.

Due to public urination exercise A.

*.*

_*_

Tanner: A Name That Means Dumb

If your name is Tanner, it probably is by defintion dumb. Do you think I ever tan? No I don't, I worry about age. I have sat in the sun before, and used a tanning bed once in my life because my spirit guides said I needed UV rays. I enjoyed the experience, I don't know if it changed the color or not noticeably.

Tanner. A dumb name for a person.

-Rachel L. Zuhl

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 16

What do you want to do today, Sugar Plum? Alfred asked me.

We decided to go to the mall. When I went to the mall, I was walking around, and Alfred made jokes the entire time. At one point, he came down, and entered my body, and we walked around the mall, and he told me which stores to go in.

Why don't we go in Bath & Body Works? You have been needing some cheap, putrid perfume! You only have good perfume! So we walked into Bath & Body Works, and looked around. When he saw a perfume he wanted me to smell, I would smell it.

After awhile, he left, and my dad picked me up. We went home. On the way, I watched Alfred's animations and laughed. My dad wondered about my incessant laughing. He thought I was just laughing at nothing. I told him, inside joke. Inside joke. He thought I was full of shit.

We got out of the car, and went into the house. Upstairs, I lay down on the bed. Time for an animation.

He showed a pencil, a piece of paper, and a pen, they danced, and wrote down word for word what happened, now.

Don't worry about writing down the events that unfold. We keep track. They do, the spirit guides do. And I do.

He did another one. A girl, walking through a forest. A big monster coming up and grabbing her. And then, a watch falling from the sky, and hitting the monster in the head, knocking him out.

What is this? A fable? Don't act like this is so splendid, you can't tell anyone what is going on! Do tell your mom!

I laughed. I thought this was dumb, but funny.

He showed a woman walking down a hallway. Out of nowhere, there is a drill. Everyone runs for the exits. The woman gets trampled.

If there is ever any confusion about which one of your guides likes you the best, it's Melionaire.

He showed the two of us, Alfred and I, walking hand in hand. I hurricane hits, swipes us both off our feet, and we hold on, hand in hand, until it dies down.

We will always be together, you and me. Through thick and thin.

The Hamas Ping: Further Reading on Situation

I was subjected to this ad on my Christian network, celebrating the silence of Rachel Zuhl on Facebook with the words "Jes-us. He gets 'Us'."

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I take it in stride, but you know what? I keep sane by posting online. You are all looking at it with your own free will. You don't have do that, you know.

No one told me I was a celebrity.

And, on a Lake Oswego Tangent, Kristen thought Lake Oswego meant "Lake Us, we go."