Failing at Life

So I woke up last night wondering, what if my parents died? What would I do?

I mean I would be sad, but then I would have no one to support me, because I rely on my parents for money.

How would I make money? I don't have a college degree. College classes cost money. I couldn't take college classes anymore. I'd have to live on the street.

So I comforted myself by telling myself that, I would move in with Erik.

I could get more money than just SSI because I could also get social security if one of my parents is dead. But could I even live off that?

I'm actually really scared about my life. So I was drawing tarot cards to see if they could provide answers regarding the success of my mobile app. First I didn't get good cards. Then I started drawing some really good cards, like the Magician. Excellent card. Ace of wands. King of Pentacles. Good cards regarding the success of my mobile app.

I don't know how I would do it if my dad died, because I ask him questions regarding things. And how would I afford medication?

I feel like I fail at life. I feel like I have become incredibly lazy. Once upon a time, I was doing well. Back in the spring. And I worked out every morning, then worked on my book, then worked on learning objective C. And it was good.

It was actually quite pleasant and lovely when I became delusional again. But the after effects aren't so lovely. Now I can't get that energy back. I must find a way to get that energy back. I was so happy back in the spring. I felt confident. Now, I am sitting here, and I haven't showered in five days. I will shower today. I promise you, I will shower today.

So I'm thinking that the difference between then and now was, the SSRI's. Back then I was on Celexa. I think I need that again.

Breaking the Routine

So I started thinking yesterday about where my life is going. I was thinking about how I occupy my mind with pointless crap that doesn't matter and doesn't make me happy. Like dinner. Like I think, if we go out to a restaurant tonight, that will make me happy. But it doesn't make me happy. I'm not even satisfied while we are eating the food. And then it's over, and we are home, and we have spent a bunch of money consuming a bunch of calories.

I go to the mall and walk around. Does clothes make people happy? No, clothes don't make you happy. I mean, they could, if you bought a spiffy outfit and it impressed a guy you liked, and he started talking to you and then you started going out and then you got married. But how often does that happen?

I have to breakthrough this monotonous lifestyle and get to the heart of what I would actually find fulfilling.

When I think of things that might be fulfilling, I think of relationships with people, and gaining respect and impressing people with your ability to make massive amounts of money. I think of breaking the routine and doing something to get people to notice you.

So what I feel now is the beginning of a push. I had a push before, back in 2011, to get my book published. That push led me nowhere. So this may be another push, hopefully not leading nowhere. I don't know yet if it's a push but it might be and I hope it is. I like pushes.

Random, Nonsensical

Free will lies deep within the human's core.

With most choices a human soul makes, it weighs immediate gratification versus later gratification.

A human must learn all the consequences of its actions, so it knows the ramifications of its.

A human teaches it's free will, the invisible part of the mind, to be smart. Through making better choices, it reaps a greater reward, and reward comes in the form of pleasure.

The greatest choices involve putting the good of the many over the good of the few.

Of course, people like that do get a reward for putting the good of the many over the good of the few. They get an emotional reward.

People need to learn to choose emotional rewards over other sorts of rewards, the emotional rewards are based on morals, and the morals is what strengthens the universe and makes it good.

As human beings lose their morality, so does the universe. And the universe goes ugly.

That was my random, nonsensical rant for today.

Stigma

So I hear that mental illness has a stigma. I know this, but I operate like there is no stigma. Which is probably a bad thing.

Maybe I am just sheltered from the way other people think. But I remember how I was, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I secretly thought people who were bipolar were cool. Some of the coolest people are bipolar.

I remember being at camp, and a girl was telling a story about how she was driving with her mom out in the country, and she looked behind her and saw a bus. There was no bus there. Her mom told her that. But she's like, "mom, I see a bus!" I secretly thought this girl was cool.

I don't know what it is. There is something about having a few screws loose that I think is cool.

However, it's annoying when it's you. And you mom is like, "Rachel, your brain is just so delicate! You are very fragile! You have a very fragile brain!!!" These kind of statements annoy the fuck out of me. So I would go to great lengths to try to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.

Even now, I think I have a mental illness. But I wonder if all the events that have happened have been purely random.

Bipolar people are cool because they are different. They have dealt with shit. I think people are cooler if they have dealt with shit in their lives, and not everything has been easy.

But I try to join the group of people, like how some autistic people are, who are like, it's not a curse it's a blessing! So maybe through being bipolar, I can unlock the brilliance of my own mind.

Mania is great. But it's hard when you have finally achieved the state you want to live your life in, and everyone tells you have to be medicated to the point where you feel confused and have low self-esteem. I finally got what I've always wanted, why must you take it away?

Dead Mother Fucking Serious

So I wanted to talk about ADD meds.

I get annoyed. So, my doctor gives me a prescription for Adderall, instead of Ritalin like I've been taking for the past month. Ritalin and Adderall are very similar only Adderall is more potent. I don't freak out when my mom doesn't fill the prescription right away, I wait a couple days, then I ask her to fill it and she tells me I am being a fucking drug addict.

The truth is the drugs are addictive but they are also helpful. So I talk about them being addictive, because it's kind of ridiculous that a drug with this much addiction potential is handed out to children. When I was a kid, I was forced to take these drugs. I didn't want to. I complained but my parents insisted. Oh, so now I'm a drug addict? Because you forced me to take a highly addictive drug, and I got addicted to it. I don't think that's all my fault. If it weren't for Adderall, I would have never tried other drugs. Adderall was a gateway drug.

But it helps me. Because it gives me the power and energy to work on stuff. Without it I might as well be dead. So I am sick of my mom telling me I'm a drug addict. Like, that's going to make me say, "Oh no! Maybe I should stop doing drugs!" Who the fuck cares what kind of drugs you are dependent on as long as it doesn't cause you problems. Like, I am also dependent on bipolar meds. What I am trying to say is, I don't take it as an insult that you call me a drug addict. I just don't like your yelling and screaming and acting all pissed off, because I don't like it when people are this way about anything.

It's like, you knew when the doctor prescribed them to me and I was a little kid there was a potential for addiction. But you thought, oh, that would never happen to us. You probably thought that wouldn't happen.

Really though, in all honesty, it's much better to have me on these drugs than off these drugs. Because I have learned that when I am on them, I will make use of the increased energy and concentration they give me and put it toward productive projects. Without these drugs, I will probably look for a different way to alter my conscious state, like I did all last summer. Which will get me no where. You don't understand how I am. I get restless. I get bored. I get unhappy with my conscious state. And I can't work when I am just normal, off drugs. Adderall makes me direct that energy toward something productive. Otherwise I am more likely to run off and smoke pot and drink. I feel like some people might say this is a weak argument, but in my case, I am dead mother fucking serious.

Zombie Fog

So, why is it that I am tempted to do things like drink and do drugs in social situations? The answer is... to combat Zombie Fog.

I can't drink anymore. Alcohol tears holes in the aura, and you start leaking energy. Which is why the tai chi hasn't been working as fabulously as it should have been. I am now feeling a shift in my energy. I need to give my aura time to recover.

But, Zombie Fog. Zombie Fog is a type of brain fog that prevents me from being social. When I am experiencing Zombie Fog, and I am in a social situation, I feel like just staring blankly off into space and not participating in the conversation. Except, I really want to, but my brain isn't working. I can't think of something appropriate to say.

I drink an drink and it goes away. No more zombie fog. I can talk to people. But it is a double-edged sword, because now there isn't a filter over what I say and I might say something inappropriate. But it is so much fucking better than Zombie Fog. I fucking hate Zombie Fog.

It is difficult to overcome Zombie Fog without the aid of drugs. When I am with people I feel comfortable talking to, there is no Zombie Fog. Like, I can talk to my sister, and there is not even the slightest trace of Zombie Fog. I mean, I might space out sometimes, but it is not like Zombie Fog, where part of my brain is screaming at me, "Rachel! Be social!!" and the other part is like.. "Grog grog grog grog.... I am turning off." So I hate this fucking Zombie Fog. I wish there was some pill you could take to get rid of Zombie Fog. Actually, I am sure there are all sorts of pills you could take that would lessen the effects of Zombie Fog.

Super Special Fun Weeks

So I am sitting here at this restaurant called Cafe Yumm!, and I am mad because I got this bowl of rice and stuff, and I got the medium one because the small looked way too small, and it was good. But after I am finished eating, I look up the calories and the bowl had like 800 calories. Which pisses me off because that is way too many calories to consume at one sitting.

I am thinking about what it's like to be delusional. There are times where you go off and have a week or so of mysterious magical fun while strange delusional things happen. It's actually really fun. But I can't do that anymore. I can't do that anymore. It's not going to happen again. At least, not anytime soon.

When this happens, I listen to one song on repeat the entire time. When I come back down, and listen to that song again, it reminds me of that time and brings back super positive feelings.

That's how I know a period of my life was good. If I listen to a song that reminds me of a time period of my life, and it makes me feel good, I was having a good time. Sometimes, even though I liked the song, it will bring back bad feelings. This is true of songs that remind me of time I spent at IT, when I was dealing with their bullshit.

The most recent song that defined a delusional experience is "Annie You Save Me" by Graffiti6. Other songs include Porcupine Tree "Fear of a Blank Planet," Katy Perry "Wide Awake," Oingo Boingo "Sweat," The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony." My first ever delusional fun week happened before I had an iPod. The song that I hear that reminds me of that time is "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. Just thinking about the way that song sounds reminds me of when I first became delusional and the stuff I was thinking about.

My dad got mad at me one time because I was delusional and I was listening to the same song over and over again. Actually, I wasn't really delusional, I was just having one of my fun weeks, back in January. I tried to explain to him that when you are in this state, you experience music differently. Music is way more intense, and you feel the vibration of the song, and you get addicted to that particular vibration, and you want to hear it nonstop. Your special song of the experience doesn't get old when you are like that.

I've been delusional before and not had a super special fun week. Super special fun weeks are the shit. I  don't do anything else when I am like that, I can't work or do any unrelated things.

But if I want to make things happen in my life, I can't be delusional anymore. I can't do that shit anymore. When I became delusional back in November/December of last year, I wasn't doing anything strange chemically. I don't know why that happened. Just random, I guess.

Nonsensical Instructions From God

So, I am starting to feel like my whole belief in hell was a delusion.

My idea of hell was based on the idea that there are some inalienable rules of the universe even God couldn't get around. This is something I would wonder about sometime. So, if you are standing on someone's rightside, and you are facing the same direction, is it possible that in some universe they would be standing on your right side also? In this universe it is your left. But maybe in some universe, you could be to there right, and they could be to your right, and you are facing the same direction.

My answer to this question was no. Because God doesn't make logic rules. GOD DOESN'T MAKE LOGIC RULES. And the idea was, in the mind of God, hell is a logic rule. That through choosing God, through being saved, you return to God upon death.

I am having problems with this though. This is just something that I made up. Like my mom commented on, I added to Christian theology in order for it to make sense. Because I couldn't believe in a loving God who willingly sends people to hell for not being saved. I can't believe in something like that because it makes no sense. The only way it makes sense to me is if being saved is some random strange requirement God has for you that doesn't make sense but you just do anyway, because it makes sense to God.

So I have spent time reading the bible, but I haven't gotten all the way through it. I don't believe Jesus ever mentioned hell. I talked to my naturopath, and he told me someone was trying to save him and gave him a bible and it didn't say anything about hell.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, if God wanted us to do something that made no sense, like believing a crazy story despite lack of proof, He should have explained to us that this isn't supposed to make any sense but we will be sorry if we don't do it.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't think my view of hell is biblically supported. In order to understand this nonsensical concept called hell, I just made a bunch of stuff up. Why should I believe a bunch of crap that I just made up, and use it as an excuse to become religious?

It's sad because I kind of liked being religious. But the thing is, religious beliefs and delusions are too fucking similar.

New Book Trailer

So I have been thinking about my book. The other day I was wondering if I should even pursue publication at all. Like, maybe the whole thing was crap. And this made me depressed. I thought about it for awhile though, and after awhile I realized that I should do something like epublish.

I plan on coming out with my mobile app first, and for that I am going to need to learn a lot about online marketing. So, let's say I become really good at online marketing. Posting a youTube video is free.

So I was thinking I would make it just one really long book instead of two separate books. I was hoping the length doesn't matter if it is an eBook. I still have a whole bunch of work to do on it. And I still have to live the story to the end, until we get to a good stopping place, which keeps happening then more shit I can't leave out happens.

Anyway, I was thinking about a book trailer. Last year when my sister and I were talking about it, she had a weird idea that was actually good. Since the title is Party Like Jesus, we could have a clip of someone in a Jesus costume partying. I figure you can probably get a Jesus costume at a costume shop or order one online.

That was my sister's idea. I elaborated on it.

So I am wearing the Jesus suit, and at the beginning I am at a party, and we are all partying, and people are saying, woah, Jesus! Look at Jesus party! And then I like throw up or something, or something else happens, I will need some ideas.

Then there is a scene change, and I am wearing the Jesus suit like in every scene, and some people are holding an intervention for me. They are saying, Jesus, you have been acting really manic, and what's with these delusions? You are the son of God? How can you be the son of God when you are  girl? See, your delusions don't even logically make any sense, Jesus. And a bunch of other crap is said I will figure out later.

Then it has Jesus at the therapist's office, and it will be a classic Freudian set up with Jesus lying on the couch. And I will be talking about how I just don't understand how all this can be a mental illness. God talks to me. And what about the miracles? And then the therapist will be like, Jesus, you have bigger problems then I can help. I am going to direct you to someone who can help you.

And then the last scene, Jesus wrote a book about her experiences, and someone is talking to her about it. And Jesus is like, "This is a serious memoir about mental illness!"

And then that's the end.

Life Situations

So I'm really happy because I'm on this new drug Metformin, which is a diabetes drug. I don't have diabetes, but this drug can help people on antipsychotics lose weight. I think this is going to work. Now I have both the energy to exercise and the will power to not overeat. So unless someone fucks with my drugs, this is going to work.

That's this ever-present fear I have, I'll get in shape, and then they go and fuck with my drugs. Usually, because something happens, like I have an episode. Like, a serious episode, where I go batshit crazy and they have to fuck with my meds. And that changes my appetite and motivation.

So really, what I have to do now, is keep taking all my meds. Because I don't want anything bad to happen.

Episodes themselves are crazy and fun. When I look back at my life, and the times where I was happy and having a good time, it was because I was delusional. But no more of that. NO MORE OF THAT! I have to be happy with reality. God dammit I hate reality.

So, anyway, I have that on track. I have a few invasive bad thoughts from time to time, but that's tolerable. I am doing tai chi, which should help bring back my psychic abilities.

Psychic abilities can be annoying. You are sitting at home working on something, minding your own business, and then it's suddenly like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you!" And you don't know who, or what they are saying, but you feel your aura being invaded. And then later you get confirmation, like that happened and Erik told me he had been talking with one of my friends about the time she first met me. So I was correct.

And you feel all this random energy all the time, and you don't know where it's coming from.

But the cool thing is, you can look at people's pictures and feel things about them. And you are like, why didn't I feel these things before? And you get confirmation on that stuff too.

But anyway, the problem is this objective C shit. I am trying to learn objective C, the programming language, in order to make mobile apps for a living. I am convinced I could make the next Angry Birds, or at least the next Plants vs. Zombies, if I were to ever learn how to use this x code thing with objective C.

I think I need one on one instruction. I think that's the only way I am going to learn.

It's really sad, because I feel like a low life mooching off everyone. I have no income. I am going to get SSI, but I have to wait six months and that will only be $700 a month.

Doubts

So I am having doubts about this religious crap in my life. Like, I don't know if I even believe Jesus was God or any of that bullshit.

My belief in the divine/spiritual and my belief in Jesus are two entirely separate things. If I stop believing in Jesus, I would just go back to being spiritual and not religious. But I wouldn't be an atheist, is what I am saying.

For whatever reason though I am obsessed with Jesus. And I have been kind of been thinking, we kind of need to have Jesus as a dead role model in our society. Because I kind of think, it gives people a standard against being a good person is judged. Like, I don't know if a lot of people even recognize what it means to be a good person.

To me it means, not seeking revenge. Forgiveness. And all that other crap Jesus talked about. I don't know.

The thing is, I have always had an interest in religion, but when I actually became religious it was kind of like a delusional thing, because of me going to hell in my sleep. And now my belief in religion is entirely based on fear. Because it introduced this concept, that hell is so scary, you don't even want to risk it. It might be bullshit, but what if it's not and you're not saved? You're screwed. I never thought that way before until I went to hell in my sleep.

But I am wondering. Why did God go out of his way to save me, but not other people? Am I better than other people?

I don't know. Maybe I am. But sometimes I am so selfish I think I am like a sociopath or something. But there is a part of me that is kind of like a child, in a good way. And there are certain kinds of pain that I understand, and if I feel that someone is going through that, I will do what I can to make it better. And I would never cause that sort of pain. Like, I can't even yell at people, because people have yelled at me and it has made me feel bad, so now I see people yell at others and wonder how they can do that.

I can yell at my parents though, if I am upset enough. But there have been times when I should have yelled at someone but didn't.

Anyway, I am going off on a tangent. I am still Christian for now, but I have doubts about it.

One thing my parents commented on was the fact that I added things that weren't really an original part of Christian theology, in order for it to make sense.

Subjectivity

Is the brain capable of understanding itself?

So I say, we are conscious beings, and I can't imagine a universe without consciousness. Is this because I am a conscious being? Maybe being a conscious being isn't all that great, it just seems great because I am a conscious being.

We have to look with a subjective eye. If we look at planets and say, that isn't ugly, or that isn't pretty, because it is all objective, what do we have? Is that how the universe is?

Subjectivity comes from human or animal experience, through pleasure and pain. So we say, something is good, because it brings us pleasure. But things that bring us pleasure, they just bring us pleasure because of our biological evolutionary development. We like the sun, because it allows us to see, and it is warm, and warm is nice, because when we are warm are body doesn't have to work as hard to keep the right temperature.

But we all evolve differently and grow up differently, so what we like all depends on the wonderful chemical dopamine.

If we didn't have consciousness, we wouldn't understand what fun or pain is. What does it mean to experience something, but not hate the experience? Or to like the experience? It comes down to free will. Given the choice between two experiences, we choose the fun experience. Understanding this comes down to choices.

Except that if you are not conscious, you cannot understand much of anything.

Is the universe objective?

What is the point of the universe?

The universe is about teaching. Through evolution, pleasure and pain evolved, and your connection to fellow souls is weakened. So, the point is to bring about unity, while still being separate. To go for the well-being of the many over the well-being of just you.

Novel Ideas

So I was thinking about ideas for novels.

If I had to write a novel, I would have to write a young adult novel. Because, I'm not old enough to write adult fiction.

So I got this idea, and I realized that it was kind of like Donnie Darko. Except it isn't Donnie Darko. So, there is this young boy. This boy is kind of like me, if I were a boy. And he is delusional. And he gets some crazy idea and wants to start a cult for it. So he goes somewhere and passes out flyers, and he bumps into this young girl. She is pretty, but she has red frizzy hair and glasses, and she is in high school and is kind of an outcast. People make fun of her a lot. She is smart but lonely and incredibly gullible, so she falls for this guy and believes him.

What I'm thinking is, there should be some sort of reason she believes him. Likes, he starts talking about something that isn't real but that she believes in and she believes it is responsible for her father's death. Like some sort of monster.

And then they start a romance. And this guy thinks this girls is like, one step below messiah. No, I know, she is kind of like the virgin Mary, only not necessarily a virgin, but she is going to give birth to the messiah. But for whatever reason, this guy is conservative about sex, so he doesn't just try to impregnate her outright.

So anyway, there is a romance between them. And his motivation is to impregnate her so she can give birth to the messiah.

No wait, I know, this should be about global warming.

But this girl, she is motivated by fear. And she is trying to latch onto this guy to save herself.

No I think this guy should be Christian, like a really crazy sect of Christianity, and she is supposed to be the mother of the next Jesus.

The Invisible Hard Drive

So I got distracted today in kickboxing because I started thinking about the universe, and the existence, or absence, of God.

I get annoyed with atheists. Some of them have this attitude like, if you would just use your brain, you would see that there is no God.

It depends how you define God. I say, the essence of the universe is spiritual, not physical. The universe is not physical space. You have to free your mind and realize that physical space does not exist. Sort of like in a computer game. You are a character, moving across some terrain, but that terrain doesn't really exist. It is just data in a computer. What is the purpose of this data? To create an experience for the user.

I remember my math teacher in high school saying once: What is beyond the boundaries of the universe? That should blow your mind. Well it used to. It does if you are thinking like a human. But it really doesn't blow my mind. It is just a subscript out of bounds error. It is an error of your brain to think that space goes on and on.

But, if you realize that space doesn't exist, that it is just data on a computer, like in a computer game, it doesn't blow your mind anymore. At least, it doesn't mine.

So the universe is just data, like on a hard drive, but that hard drive takes up space. Or does it? No, it doesn't. I'm telling you, that hard drive doesn't take up space.

Do your thoughts take up space? Does experience take up space? Does consciousness take up space?

It exists in the non-physical, mental/spiritual realm. The realm of mind. There is mind, body, spirit. Spirit is experience. Mind is a map, a map of concepts, which explains how experiences relate to each other.

For example, there is the experience of sadness. What does sadness in itself feel like? Does it have thoughts associated with it? Well it does, but you can separate the thoughts from the experience. So the mind, the map, would explain what kind of situations would lead to you experiencing this emotion, sadness.

There are way more emotions than there are words to explain them.

But anyway, back to the question of God. I believe in God because I think the essence of the universe is spiritual, and not physical. I believe that a physical world, with the absence of awareness, and consciousness, is the equivalent of nothing. What is something, if there is nothing to experience it? Like the question of the tree falling in the forest.

One thing I wonder about atheists is, do they really think? I mean really, do atheists think? Do they think about things like consciousness. Because you think about it, and it is like the most amazing thing ever, yet so simple. What is it? I don't know. But I can't imagine a universe without it.

Whatever it is, it is the greatest thing in the universe.

In our dense, physical state, we need brains to experience.

Does consciousness ever stop? No, consciousness never stops. You are always experiencing consciousness.

You take a drug and black out, or pass out, and wake up later. Did consciousness stop? No, because time for you is different.

Consciousness didn't stop. You jumped forward in time, and your brain inserted a feeling of passage of time. But that's all that is, a feeling.

Fiction, Delusions, and Art

So I have come to a point where I can accept that I do have a mental illness.

There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.

Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.

When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.

I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.

And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.

But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.

It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.

But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.

I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?

Resorting to the Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors

So, I have this problem. This problem is that my brain thinks it's psychic.

Actually, I am psychic. But I think I am psychic in a way that I am not. I imagine people having conversations about me. Then I convince myself that they are real.

Actually, I don't really actively convince myself that they are real, but the trouble is my brain reacts to these conversations as if they were real.

Sometimes they are happy. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's like, hey, wouldn't it be nice if this one person said this about me? So I imagine them saying it. And then it's like, Wow, I can't believe this person said that about me! That's so sweet! Then I am happy.

Then it's like, the chemicals go awry. And without my permission, unhappy things start entering my head. And I am like, oh God, I am psychic! People are talking shit about me!! BLARGH!!!! AHHHHH!!!

I must clear my head. Clear my head. Drink some caffeine, beer (NO NOT BEER!!!!) and clear my head.

Alcohol works best. But I'm not supposed to be drinking anymore.

THOUGHTS LEAVE MY HEAD!!!

Wasn't there a time when my head was clear? When I didn't have to imagine imaginary conversations to be happy? Because that's what I do, imagine imaginary conversations in order to find some sort of peace and happiness. But it gets out of hand. I look at a word, and subconsciously, I associate it with something in my life, good or bad. Usually bad. And then I start fucking freaking out.

It's chemical, man. I need to change the chemicals in my brain.

I think I might have to resort to the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

Breaking Attachments

I was sitting in church the other day when I was thinking that I had problems with attachments to people. I was worried that this was some sort of disorder I had as a result of growing up so isolated. Not physically isolated, mentally and emotionally isolated. Because I didn't talk to very many people.

What I wonder is, why is it upsetting to have people that like you? Do people find it upsetting? So I liked this guy in college because I saw something great in him, and I felt great when I was around him. But he always pushed me away. And I think, isn't it a compliment that I like you? It wasn't like one of those guys on facebook who tell me they looked at my picture, and they fell in love. Because that is bullshit and solely based on physical attraction. I liked him because I thought he was someone interesting. And most people I find boring. But he was interesting. It was his personality, it had nothing to do with his physical appearance.

Maybe it's my fault the way things turned out. But I'm starting to hate him. And it's not real, true hatred. I couldn't feel that for anyone, but especially not him. But I have made great progress with this in the past year, and I find that if he hates me it's not really that big of a deal. I feel a sense of disgust now when I think about him, which is something new.

I would always be nice to him if he were to be nice to me. I guess, I wouldn't even secretly hope for a miracle where we could be together. I'm okay with him hating me now, because I have transferred my feeling for him, and the energy I put into those feelings, into feelings for other people. Yes, people, not another person. Plural. Because I have this strange ability now to have feelings for many people at a time.

I guess, what I'd want to say to you is that, maybe my opinion means nothing. Maybe it means nothing to you, at least. I know you hate yourself. But my opinion is that you have something about you that is really fucking awesome. And maybe that just makes you hate yourself more.

Willy Wonka and the Prostitutes

So I just woke up from this really weird dream.

So it started out where I was in my room trying to sleep, and my dad comes in to tell me I need to sleep downstairs because I am making too much noise. I couldn't speak. I tried to tell my dad I wasn't making any noise, but my vocal cords didn't work. I got up, flew around the room, and slipped under the bed. My dad came in the room, I held out my hand from under the bed and he pulled me out.

I went outside to do what I do normally in lucid dreams for some reason, and that is be a prostitute. So I  was walking down the street in my underwear, waiting for some car to pull over. A bunch of cars passed, and then one pulled over. I was worried though, because the voice coming from the car sounded elderly and female.

I got in, and it was grandmother!!! That woman I had that dream about in 8th grade!!! So I was talking to grandmother, and I asked her about which past lifetimes we were together in. She said she didn't know, but the invisible spirits knew. We could ask them some day. Then, there were some weird little creatures sitting next to us, talking about Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory.

We drove back to my house. As we got out of the car, there were a whole bunch of people gathered there staring in the house. I looked in the house, and I gasped, because it was so beautiful and sparkly. And then suddenly, I floated upwards. And I floated over to the place where everyone's attention was. And my boobs started tingling, and I started breathing heavily, and there were some little creatures talking about gum balls, and I thought it was going to be like in the movie Willy Wonka where the girl blows up. But I didn't blow up, everyone was staring at me as I was floating there feeling fat and breathing heavily.

The Wisdom of the Dream People

This entry is brought to you by the year 2011.


Dreams are important and can hold important information. You've probably heard that dreams have meaning, and that you should interpret them to find the meaning. But the most important messages that come in the form of dreams need no interpretation: they are directly stated to you, in plain English.

One time in eighth grade I decided that I was too heavy and that I was going on a diet. So I severely restricted my diet. While I wasn't quite anorexic, I ate much less than what would be considered healthy for weight loss. Then one night, I had this dream. There was this oldish lady, and she was looking at me very sadly. I said, "Grandmother, what's wrong with me?" She didn't look like either of my grandmothers but that's what I called her. She said, "your age." I was too young. "What else?" And she continued to look at me very sadly, and after a few moments of silence she said, "what you ate yesterday." I wasn't eating enough. We hugged, a very large hug. And then I was lying awake in bed, thinking about how weird that was. I didn't believe in spirits at this time, but I thought this might be an important message.

But I didn't follow her advice, I continued on my diet. After three weeks of being hungry all the time, I quit. Trouble was, that wasn't the end. Even after I started eating more, I still felt different: lower, depressed, and obsessed with food. I didn't enjoy anything besides eating and sleeping. Later I discovered that stimulants were the answer to this problem (yes, drugs were the answer), but I can't help feeling that I should have followed the dream lady's advice and eaten more, and maybe I wouldn't feel like I have to be on drugs all the time, because I still feel that way to this day, and that was ten years ago.

The night before last, the spirits again came to me in a dream. I was having nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about, because even as this dream was unfolding it was rapidly slipping away from me. Then it occurred to me that this was a dream, which was a rare and remarkable thing, because I usually only have lucid dreams upon falling back asleep after being awake for awhile during the night, or after something really weird happens in my dream. Something like, say, I'm standing in the bathroom, and a girl comes in with a knife and starts hacking away at my brains (that happened a few nights ago). So I realized it was a dream, and I asked why I was having this nightmare. Then the spirits were there. They told me I needed to leave Innercept, I had been at Innercept too long. I asked them to elaborate, they said it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that I had come to Innercept, or even that I had been in the first part of the program for so long, but that I had spent too much time at the hospital and in intensive transition, the place I'm at now. I knew these places were expensive so the first thing that occurred to me was that this was about money, so I asked if that's what it was about. They didn't answer. Then I realized, "Hey, I'm talking to the spirits!" I asked if my book was going to published. At this point I was surrounded by several girls, or young women I guess. One of them asked me if I could handle it if it wasn't published. I said I didn't know. They all laughed. Then they all said, "yes, it will be published." Each and every one of them told me this individually.

Undrugged, Naked Ramblings

So I would like to take a moment to discuss where free will lies.

Free will lies deep in the thought.

When you make decisions regarding actions, you choose between two options at a time. You pick the option which you think will bring you the most pleasure.

Then, there's the matter of instant gratification versus long term well-being.

Complex questions require creative solutions, which require your brain to think off the beaten path.

Which requires thinking where there is more of a cognitive leap between concepts. Because thinking on the beaten path is easy. You have to think off the beaten path, think of not so closely related simply associated concepts.

In order to do so, you have to delay gratification. Because there is more space between thoughts, it requires a greater push and longer period with gratification, when you are moving from thought to thought. Because thoughts in themselves are gratifying.

So basically, your ability to think creatively comes down to your soul's ability to delay gratification.

Does thinking in itself bring pleasure? Yes, thinking brings pleasure, because if you didn't you wouldn't do it.

So what free will comes down to is, the choice between thoughts of equal pleasure value. So you get gratification from thoughts.

This is how I philosophize when I can't concentrate. For the love of God someone give me some Adderall.

Innercept: A Culture of Rule-Breaking

So I would like to take a moment to blame Innercept for my problems.

My parents complain to me, hey, Rachel! You steal from us now! You lie to us!

I think this is the fault of Innercept. My parents clearly don't know what it's like to be at Innercept. When you are at Innercept, you are immersed in the rich Innercept culture.

What happens is, they have so many fucking stupid rules. Oh, you can only eat one piece of fruit between meals. All this really strict crap about serving sizes so you are hungry all the time. Oh, you have to have people peaking at you at night and maintain a strict curfew of 10 pm. You can't go to the gym for too much time per day.

So, what every resident inevitable does is say, fuck it! Fuck these rules! I will break any rule that doesn't suit me! So you are sneaking money, you are going behind Innercept's back, you are doing anything you possibly can to get around all these stupid fucking rules of these stupid fucking control freaks at Innercept.

For some residents, it becomes like a contest. How many rules can you break? What can you get away with?

So I come home from Innercept, and I am still in the Innercept mindset. Hey, what can I get away with at home? It's subconscious. On top of that is the anger, the anger that my parents put me in this place for four and a half years, which was supposed to do fucking something, instead the first thing I do immediately after I come out is GO DELUSIONAL AGAIN!!!!

And then I find out this drug I've been on Depakote is responsible for my hair loss and lack of creative thinking. They didn't inform me of all the side effects. If I knew it made your hair fall out, I would have been like, NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAKING THAT SHIT!!!

I actually started to go delusional again when I was still at Innercept, while I was still on all the drugs.

So I blame all my bad actions on the Innercept culture.

Brain Damage and Thinking on Repeat

So I haven't blogged in awhile the thing I wanted to talk about is about how I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE.

It's being corrected through neurofeedback, the zapping of the brain with electrodes. This isn't electroshock therapy or anything like that, this is helpful not harmful.

When I listen to my iPod, I like to listen to the same song on repeat over and over again. When I think thoughts in my head, I (used to) think the same thoughts over and over again.

Thoughts wouldn't get old! Funny things don't get old! I laugh at the same funny things OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

When I do this around other people, they are like, "Okay Rachel, it wasn't THAT funny."

So the neurofeedback is improving it. But thoughts are powerful! Thinking the same thought over and over again has consequences.

So I got stuck in a loop of thinking about the girl who put puke in front of my door in college, Weird Zombie Girl. "Yeah, I smirked at you. YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!!!!!" Over and over and over and fucking over again.

So I explained this on my facebook page. I would think about this all the time, this thought on repeat. Then suddenly it was like, "Cute little itty bitty sweet young soul. Sweet young soul. Sweet young soul." Which is a reference to a time when I thought more spiritually about everything, and I thought this girl was a young soul. That thought occured to me one time.

And so I replaced the YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY with "sweet young soul." My energy increased, and she stopped receiving my angry bad energy. It was a win/win situation!

Since that thought played on repeat, it was draining my energy as well as hitting her with bad energy constantly. So, the spirits intervened, located the place in my memory and thought that, and replaced my bad thought with a loving thought.

Thing is, I used to think of the guy I had delusions about on repeat for years and years and years and years. I would think of funny things I had told him and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And send that energy to him. On repeat.

The question is, what effect did this have on him?

WHAT KIND OF ENERGY AM I SENDING TO PEOPLE??!?!?!?!?!? It gets multiplied when you think on repeat!!!

Anyway, the doctor said I have less repeat thinking going on in my brain now thanks to the neurofeedback.

Damnation, Hellfire, and Computer Programming

So, I wanted to discuss damnation and hellfire a little bit more.

What I am thinking is, and I am not an expert an scripture. But, it is about choice. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve used their free will to CHOOSE to disobey God. They did not choose God.

This was a story that is symbolic of something else, and I am not sure exactly what that is. But to overcome it, humans have to CHOOSE God. So by accepting Jesus into your life, that is choosing God, therefore, overcoming the other choice to go against God.

Hell is something that is very rudimentary. On Earth, while alive, you can be close to God, distant from God, or anywhere in between. When dead, you are either with God or completely separated from God.

Hell is kind of like a whole other dimension. When I think of hell, I think of a game you might play on a really old computer, with really basic graphics and stuff. Because I think of hell as kind of related to computers.

One thing I have never had to do before in computer programming is reference counting. If you have a reference to a variable, you have a connection to it so that you can keep using it. The reference counter counts the number of references to the variable, and when it goes to zero, you can't use it anymore, and the memory space can be reused for something else.

So when you die, and you are not saved, the reference counter goes to zero. Except, you will never cease to exist. You go to hell, and God can't reach you because He has no reference to you.

So it's kind of like being trapped in a really miserable computer game.

I don't try to upset people by talking about hell all this time. I am not intolerant of anyone's beliefs I just had an experience where I became convinced that you needed to accept Jesus to avoid hell.

Brain Shifting

So I realize, that when all this stuff happened last month, I suddenly got way more self-confident.

I feel like this is a position that everyone is trying to push me out of. They are trying to push me back to the place I was when I was not self-confident.

I don't know how much more self-confident I really am, but I know I can feel it in the way I walk. Or at least, I could for awhile. I would carry myself differently, like I was lighter, and I could move around with more ease.

So I can go up and talk to people. Like, I have no problem at all, at least when I was at the psych ward. Maybe the psych ward was different. I talked to emo kids about being emo.

For awhile anyway, I felt like I could think better. I see the world differently. It is kind of like this grid, and objects form a place on this grid but it is not necessarily right along the grid lines. The grid lines represents the ideal. I imagine a grid with a bunch of x's all over it.

I lost a little bit of self-confidence actually because I gained a little bit of weight. Not a whole lot just a little bit.

One thing people don't take into account is the intricate emotional needs of the individual. Because emotional needs are really intricate. Everything about the individual has an emotional effect on the individual.

My family didn't understand why having a guardianship would have an emotional effect on me. Yeah, like taking away my rights as an adult has no emotional effect on me.

People like to be seen as attractive and intelligent. Which seem like nice things to be but they aren't what really matters. What really matters is your ability to see other people as humans. What really matters is kindness and having a heart.

But anyway, I feel like my brain suddenly became more powerful.

More on the Mind of God

The problem was, thinking with the mind of God proved to be an issue. I would put my hand over my mouth and whisper something snarky to myself:

"Woah! We are Beev and F. Meeke! We don't know about withdrawal effects."

Beev and F. Meeke is what I call my mom and dad.

This was a change in my personality. I thought it was a welcome change. But they didn't. They were trying to medicate me to make it go away.

Because what's funny to my God, is making fun of people's intelligences. In an affectionate way.

Like, I wrote on my sister's wall, saying that the reason she thinks people are so ugly when she goes out in public is because she sits around and looks at pictures of beautiful people all the time, and beauty is just an average of all the faces she's seen.

Beev said that didn't make sense. It made more sense that Kristen was just weird. "That made waaaaaaaaaaaayy more sense to Beev."

I act a certain really weird way when I talk to myself like this. Anyway, so they didn't like the personality change. And tried to fix it with medication.

I told my parents that there is no way I am going to stop talking to myself. It's a little glitch in the way I am that has been hardwired in so hard it would be impossible to get me to stop.

Thinking With the Mind of God

So I recently had another "whatever the fuck that was" experience. It was actually quite pleasant, when I wasn't getting grief from my parents.

So what I have learned is just to take the beliefs as they come. My beliefs about what is going on are changing. All that matters is that I don't lose faith in myself. Everything will be okay as long as I never stop believing in myself. I just have to be open to the fact that I have a lot of beliefs that are most likely not true. When one gets disproven, accept it and don't let that make myself stop believing in myself.

At this point I don't want to get into the details of what happened. But, basically, I imagined a bunch of shit, then I started arguing with my parents.

More and more frequently, I start thinking with the mind of God. At least, this is how I interpret it. The energy kind of goes up and out of my head and I start laughing about something on Earth that doesn't logically make sense.

Back a couple months ago, when I was thinking with the mind of God, I was thinking about how people missed the point with Jesus, they were just in awe of how great he was.

The point was there is really nothing wrong with comparing yourself to Jesus, what's wrong is hatred.

So I started hearing all these thoughts in my head, people saying mean things and people saying nice things. I felt the vibration of each thought. Mean comments had this nasty unharmonious noisy ring. Nice things had nice energy.

So one of the things was, Jesus was a great guy, but even He wouldn't go to hell. And by hell I mean a hell that is eternal. Jesus is willing to suffer but He wouldn't even go to hell.

But a lot of humans do go to hell. So in a way, those humans were a lot better than Jesus was!

No sentient being would willingly knowingly experience that kind of agony.

So in my room, I was whispering to myself over and over and laughing, "those people were a lot better than Jesus was!"

The major theme of this particular episode was people thinking for themselves. At the hospital, I picked up a Rush Limbaugh book, because I realized I don't know anything about him. I started reading, and I wrote down a quote from him because I thought it was so true. It was something like, "I'm convinced that most people don't really think, though they believe they do."

I had a lot of arguments, and I kept running into the fact that we were talking but not really communicating. So I started really making sure we communicated, but people got mad. They got mad at me for asking them what they meant by things. Why they thought things.

I was writing a lot of facebook statuses when I was arguing, trying to illustrate that the way they were thinking was incorrect.

But the thing I was thinking was, only intelligent people appreciate really intelligent things. So I was thinking that some of the stuff I imagined when I was delusional, it only makes sense to intelligent people.

And other people aren't going to understand stuff that comes from the mind of God.

I imagined that a lot of my facebook statuses were this way. They were only funny to people who are intelligent, and stupid to people who are unintelligent.

God created humans with the capability of thinking for themselves. However, most of them don't. Humans were actually, in a way, made way to stupid and not intelligent enough to understand God. But God didn't fully understand humans when he first made them, and when writing the bible.

One of things I was thinking was that God didn't hate Esau. He just meant he didn't like him as much as Jacob.

Punishment

So, I wanted to write about something I was writing about at the hospital. The concept of punishment, and how it relates to hell.

What is the purpose of punishment? Some people do not understand the purpose of punishment. The true purpose of punishment is to CORRECT BEHAVIOR. So, your kid gets in a fight with his brother, or something. You punish him. Is it because he DESERVES TO SUFFER? No. You are trying to teach your child.

That is the whole purpose of negative feelings that happen on purpose. The purpose is to teach.

So is hell a punishment? Well, hell is eternal and there is no coming back from hell, so there is no way for people to learn from their bad behavior and make it better. So it is not a punishment.

Why do we send people to prison? There are two reasons we send people to prison. One is to correct behavior. The other is because they are a menace to society and they need to be removed. It is not to make them suffer. It is to remove them from society.

The only time people deserve pain is if it's going to help them learn.

So anyway, what I am trying to say is, souls that are sent to hell on purpose, they are like prisoners who  need to be removed from society. These souls are a menace to other souls so they need to be cast out. Because these souls are dangerous and threaten the well-being of other souls.

And that's how things are.

My Christian Enlightenment

So I had an enlightenment a month or so ago.

One thing you should know about my enlightenment is that I just tagged on some shit to it about all religions being correct to sound more politically correct.

So I used to think that Christians were kind of stupid. Now I actually think that Christians are way smarter than atheists. Actually it's not a matter of one being smarter than the other.

I didn't understand the idea of getting saved. The thing is, it's not really supposed to make sense to us because we're not God. That's the thing about Christianity, or this brand of Christianity I subscribe to. Part of it is accepting that you don't know fucking everything.

Which is something that atheists refuse to do. They think that they are capable of comprehending the universe. They can't accept that the universe follows a logic that they are incapable of comprehending.

Except that when I reached enlightenment, I did comprehend it. And I remembered how, the only way to get around the hell problem, is to have people accept Jesus.

You realize that God IS NOT all powerful. I don't believe in an all powerful God. My dad told me that I wasn't allowed to believe this. That if I believed in God, He had to be all powerful.

But I don't believe in an all-powerful God. My God can't do something like, say, create a rock so big He Himself cannot lift it. My God can't do that! Well, that doesn't logically make any sense! Yeah, because my God cannot do everything. He can't do things that don't logically make any sense. And saving someone who has not accepted Jesus, or bringing someone back from hell, are things that don't logically make sense to God. Because God follows a higher logic.

People think the idea of hell is funny. You realize, once you have properly had the shit scared out of you, that hell is the scariest concept there is. There is nothing fucking scarier than hell. It's this state of horrible horrible agony that goes on for eternity and never gets any better.

Non-Christians get annoyed by Christians trying to convert them. One thing I have learned is, Christians really aren't trying to be mean when they try to convert you. They aren't trying to be intolerant of your belief system. They seriously just want to save you from the fucking most horrible scariest shit ever.

You realize that God hasn't talked for 2000 years. That's not very long for God. The way humans think is different from the way God thinks. You also realize that there is no way in fucking hell the bible is inerrant. You know why? Because language is so fucking shaky and unreliable. Like, today, people don't even agree amongst themselves what words mean. Think about being translated between languages, and several times into modern-day English. They keep translating the bible because the English language keeps changing. There is no fucking way the bible means exactly the same thing now as it did back when it was written.

So these are my ramblings for today.

Three Cheers for Zombie Academy!

Three cheers for zombie academy! Are you experiencing a human emotion? Don't worry!! There are drugs for that!! Human emotions are unhealthy, they should make you feel dirty and full of shame, if feeling dirty and full of shame weren't also human emotions. Side effects to the drugs include massive weight gain, hair loss, breast development and discharge in men, and increased salivation leading to excessive spitting and drooling.

Don't want medication? Who gives a flying fuck what you want? If you refuse your meds, we will have you injected with them!! We have the legal power to do that!!


Don't trust your therapist and Zombie Academy? Don't worry!! No need to put your trust in your therapist! She will steal your private journal and read it to get to know you better!!!

Jesus and the Crazy Decision Strings

Yeah, Jesus was perfect, he doesn't have FREE WILL.

The way free will works, it is like a gigantic game of tug-of-war. One decision you make, changes someone else's decision. All our decisions are interconnected by strings.

God doesn't know all decisions that are going to be made beforehand. It's just that one Jesus comes, all the strings come together. Jesus is the place where all the strings come together. That's why Jesus knows things about what people are going to do.

When Jesus came, it was a mistake, because people were so in awe of how great he was, they missed his message.

Weird Dream

So I had this dream last night. I was in this group of something, like girl scouts only I think it was different people. I was chosen to be the official hot girl. I had to wear a special dress, and when we went places it was my duty to smile and wave at everyone.

Then, this person was telling me that it's a problem how I always change the subject when issues were brought up. As they said this, I was looking at something on the ground. It was this little human-shaped thing, and as I watched it divided like a cell into two human-shaped things. "What's that?" I said, changing the subject.

It turned out to be this deadly thing that would keep dividing and dividing and multiplying and the population would keep growing and growing. As it did this, it would kill everyone. At first we thought it was harmless, and funny, and I was the one who let it outside, with my appointed husband. We were on a TV show, and since I was the hot girl that meant I was also the dumb girl. If I hadn't done that, it wouldn't have killed everyone. So it kept dividing and multiplying and at one point my character had to die. But then I was suddenly this different girl, either that or my character came back to life, and it was just me and this guy in this closet. Outside, it was all little human things. Me and this guy in the closet were the only people left. So we set off some sort of blast outside, wiping out the little multiplying human things. The end.

Good dreams.

Schrodinger's Cat and the Law of Attraction

So I figured out the universe. One of the things about the universe is that reality isn't fixed, and reality is not the same for everyone. Truth is not the same for everyone.

So in my world, you need to accept Jesus as your savior to avoid hell. And in my world, this is a fundamental fact of the universe that everyone needs to do this. At the same time, if your reality is different then mine, and you don't do this, you won't go to hell. Because that's not true for you.

Except, that in my world, everyone needs to do this. But this is just my world. Not your world.

In my world, my copy of you will be in hell after you die if you don't. But that's just my copy of you and that's not really you.

We all exist in our own realities, and our realities interact with each other. So if you know me, my reality touches your reality. But the laws your reality are defined by aren't the same as the laws my reality are defined by.

So, the reason the law of attraction works. I only experience my own consciousness and life, not yours. When I don't know what's going on in other peoples' lives, that opens up infinite possibilities of what it could be. It's like Schrodinger's cat, when you don't know, you haven't manifested a reality yet so the possibilities are open. So in my world, and infinite amount of things could be happening in your life. So when you decide one day, to tell me about something in your life, or something in your life somehow collides with my life, a reality is manifested. So before the reality is manifested, you could be doing any number of things in your life, and in my reality, all those possibilites are true simultaneously. But then, the day I find your needles for shooting up, the reality is then manifested that all this time you were shooting up on heroine. So that becomes true in my reality.

So if you focus on a particular outcome, that will make that particular outcome more likely to manifest.

Free Will and the God Connection

So I wanted to talk some on free will. I used to like this page on facebook called The Flower of Life and Sacred Geometry. The reason I liked this page was because I liked the flower of life and sacred geometry. But then the page would post a bunch of crap and I unliked it because the stuff they posted was pissing me off.

So, one of the things they posted was about free will. What it said was, free will is just an illusion, because someone will always decide to do what they think will bring them the greatest amount of pleasure.

This partially true, partially false. It is true that you will only make decisions based on what will bring you the greatest amount of pleasure. That is, decisions regarding actions. But that's not where free will lies. Free will lies in the organization of the mind. So basically, to simplify what I am thinking, you choose what you think, how you think, and what outcome will bring you the most perceived pleasure is based on the way your mind is organized. The way that you chose to organize your mind.

So let's talk about choices and actions. When you make choices, you choose between two different things at a time. You break down each decision into a yes/no question. And then you answer a series of yes/no questions to arrive at your decision.

So say you were deciding between buying the shirt in red, blue, or yellow. First you would think, "Do I like the idea of owning this shirt in red?" And if the answer is yes, you would then ask, "Even though I like it in red, would I prefer it in blue?" If the answer is yes, then you would ask, "Would I like it even better in yellow than blue?"

You organize your mind. All action comes from God. God makes you do things.

Dopamine is what motivates your brain to act. Dopamine is also the pleasure brain chemical. Because it is pleasure that drives you to act. And all feelings of pleasure, on a spiritual level, come from God. So when you have more dopamine you have a stronger connection with God. I mean, in a certain sense. That doesn't mean that God loves you more. But what pleasure is on a spiritual level is connection with God.

So, what I was saying was, you think, God acts for you. Because God is what makes things happen on the physical plane.

I shall revisit this topic later.

Where the Yin Meets the Yang: Why God is Probably a Girl

So I am taking a short break from studying mobile app development to write this blog on something I was thinking yesterday.

Human's existence on Earth, the speck of human consciousness, is the place where the logical meets the  emotional. It all occurs inside the human mind.

The physical is the logical, the masculine, the yang. It is concerned with things that are concrete, things that are measurable, calculable, things that you can apply logic to.

The spiritual is the emotional, the feminine, the yin. It is concerned with experiences, how we experience things, experiences we understand but cannot put words to, or apply logic to.

It's like how you can't describe color to a blind man. Because the experience of colors is something there are no words to describe.

A little kid, or anyone for that matter, could go on asking "Why?" forever. There comes a point where you just have to say, "It is because... it is." Some things... just are. You can't describe them. You can't put logic to them.

The yang are the questions one asks. The yin is the things that just are, that you can't put words to or apply reason to.

And from this, we can deduce that God is probably a girl. Not that God has a vagina, because God doesn't have a body, but God is part of the feminine, or the yin. Because to me, God is the point where you stop applying reason. At least, in terms of how it came to be. God is the essence of the universe. God always was. God always will be. God just is. The essence of the universe is spiritual.

People make the mistake of not recognizing that their brain capacity is limited. In particular, atheists like Richard Dawkins. I read a quote by him that he dislikes religion because it makes you satisfied with not understanding.

You have to realize, that the nature of the universe, why everything came to be, is something that is impossible to understand fully. You can understand it better, but you can't understand it fully. Because when humans seek to understand something, they do this by attempting to apply logic to it. And some things just do not follow the rules of logic.

So you have to be satisfied with not understanding. You have to be the little kid who stops asking "Why?" Not that you should never ask why, but you also need to accept that certain things just are.

You see the conflict between the yin and the yang come into play when it comes to religion. Religion is an attempt to apply logic to the yin, or the spiritual. The truth is, logic and reason are native to the physical. That is why religions seem contradictory. They are contradictory if you use logic. In terms of metaphysics, they are different takes on the same thing.

So now what I am doing is, I am wondering if my experiences with hell really represented truth, or rather they just represented a step along the journey. The journey being my changing beliefs.

The Root of Evil: When Sex Goes Awry

So I'd like to take a moment to discuss how sex leads to evil.

Before you say, sex isn't evil! Let me explain. No, sex in itself isn't evil. But evil is created when sex goes awry.

So first off, what is evil? Evil is exreme hatred, disregard for other people, or pleasure derived from the misery of other people.

Sexual arousal is an emotion unlike other emotions. The reason it is unlike other emotions is because there is a greater range of variation in situations that trigger sexual arousal from person to person.

There is slight variation in other emotions, like sense of humor. Different people laugh at slightly different things. But sexual arousal is different. One only needs to google the word "fetish" or "sexual deviation" to find the great variety of odd things that people find sexually stimulating.

Some people think sexuality refers to sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is only a small part of sexuality. Sexuality is huge.

Sexuality develops early in life. The media influences your child's sexuality. From an early age, young girls and boys are bombarded with images of femininity and masculinity. These images and the child's response to these images become a part of the child's sexuality. That is why you better be careful what you let your kids watch on TV. Little kids are like super, massively absorbent sponges.

If a kid is sexually stimulated early in life, this will affect the child's sexuality. The moment will become ingrained in the child and be the basis for what the child finds sexually arousing.

And this is how... SEX GOES AWRY!

It all starts when a child is touched inappropriately by a pervert of some sort. When a child is touched inappropriately, THEY DON'T LIKE IT! They experience massive distress. But if their genitals are stimulated, they become sexually aroused. So what happens is, they come to associate things that generate the emotion they were experiencing, distress and revulsion, with sexual pleasure.

So when these children grow up, an orgasm means something different to them than it means for the average person. An orgasm isn't something that results from a happy situation, nor is it triggered by things that are aesthetically appealing. An orgasm is a coping mechanism that happens when they are faced with situations that evoke a certain type of distress.

The thing is, the orgasm creates more pleasure than the distress creates pain. So as a result, this person begins seeking out these situations that create this kind of distress.

And in their mind, the line between the victim and the perpetrator becomes blurred. It is still the same situation. Which is why people who were molested as kids grow up to be child molesters. These people seek to recreate the situation that originally created so much revulsion and distress in them.

Or they might not become child molesters. They might become sexually fucked up in some other way. They might not be interested in children, but nevertheless a seed was planted. A seed that makes them associate sex with something vile.

When children are molested, they do not like it! But they may get sexual pleasure from it. It was horrible, and disgusting, and made them gag and want to scream and die, but it felt good. And so the line between these two things becomes blurred.

There may be other ways this line becomes blurred, other than child molestation. Child molestation is just the most obvious one.

So once the line is blurred, it is up to the victim to keep the evil at bay. The person may be weak, and put sexual pleasure before other people. And when they act on their urge to do evil, they plant evil in others, through molesting children. Or they may unleash evil in some other form. This may be an allegory for something else.

Sex leads to evil because it is an easy way that pain and horror becomes linked with pleasure.

That is why God encourages sexual discipline and restraint. Because He knows that it is a crappy mechanism and that if people were go just give into their sexual desires, all hell would break loose.

I know about these things, because these are things that are obvious to me, but I'm not sure if they are obvious to other people.

Truth is Beauty (Why God Allows Suffering Revisited)

So I have been sitting here thinking some more on the pain/pleasure thing, about why God allows suffering.

God knows that pleasure in itself isn't good, and pain in itself isn't bad.

God knows that what is good is truth.

As humans, we experience pleasure and pain to represent good and bad. When something unhealthy happens, we experience pain, of some sort. When something healthy happens, we experience pleasure, of some sort.

However, these indications aren't always accurate. Some people experience more pleasure than they deserve. Others experience more pain than they deserve.

God knows that what is good in this world isn't pleasure, and what's bad in this world isn't pain. What is good in this world is beauty. Beauty is something much more complex than pleasure. Beauty is altruism, and strength of spirit.

When beauty corresponds with pleasure and wickedness corresponds with pain, that is truth. Pleasure corresponding with wickedness is what is bad.

So, the reason there is suffering in the world is because the world is made up of humans, and humans are wicked. Of course, pain isn't distributed equally, the wicked don't necessarily suffer on Earth and the righteous aren't necessarily free from suffering.

Earth is a chaotic mess. But from this mess, comes order. Through this mess, God sorts things out, selecting and holding on to the righteous souls and discarding the wicked souls.

You are only as good as the way you would treat your worst, most despised enemy.

What is good? Is justice good? Or is mercy good? Do you think some of the most vile, evil characters from throughout history should bask in love and warmth and happiness for all of eternity? Or do you think they should pay for all the pain they have caused?

The truth is, heaven is oneness with God. God is pure good. To allow the most wicked, vile souls into heaven defiles God.

Evil souls will cause pain. Allowing evil into heaven taints heaven, ruining the experience for everyone. That's why it's better, for the good of everyone, just to cast them out.

People have free will. And like I was previously explaining, this choice is not random, nor fixed, but originates from something mysterious. This mysterious thing is the soul that lies within each of us. God can not look at an idle soul and decide if it is wicked or not. He has to test it. That is where Earth comes into play. The soul demonstrates whether or not it is wicked based on its thoughts and deeds. Souls are highly unpredictable and may turn sour or straighten themselves out.

If things I say ever sound contradictory it is because I am trying to straighten out what I believe.

Why God Allows Suffering: The Answer to a Stupid Question

So today I am going to answer the age-old question of: If God is so good, why does He allow suffering?

I am, of course, qualified to answer these questions, because I just know things like this.

The reason why God allows suffering is pretty much the same reason why we choose not to take drugs to go into an artificial state of bliss for the rest of our lives. It's the same reason why we choose the truth over a sugar-coated lie. It's the same reason why people pursue lives of value, and do things like dedicate their lives to science, to learning, to achievement, rather than lives filled with lowly pleasures.

Sure, God could have made a happy sugary fairyland Earth. But who wants to live in a happy sugary fairyland Earth?

Actually, I believe a lot of people would prefer it. Or rather, they think they would prefer it. But the truth is, God knows, for reasons that we don't quite understand, a world that includes suffering is preferable to a world filled with only joy, pleasure, and happiness. It's healthier. Because pain serves a purpose.

So yes, it is a stupid question. I'm sick of stupid atheists acting like the fact that the world is horrible and filled with misery and hardship is proof that God doesn't exist. It's not. Your arguments are invalid. Obviously you don't understand God like I do.

Complaining about the misery in the world is the same thing as complaining about all this discomfort one experiences during good hard exercise, and puzzling over why people go to the gym when working out can be so uncomfortable. "Working out is so uncomfortable, why do people voluntarily do it? They're either idiots or completely out of their minds!"

Well, obviously, it seems silly if you are missing a piece of the puzzle. Working out creates temporary discomfort, but leads to a more long-lasting mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Pain and suffering in the world is uncomfortable, but it builds strength of spirit.

There is a reason why if you hurt yourself, you experience something unpleasant. There is a reason why everyone isn't automatically just born straight into heaven. People are born on Earth first. Why is that? What is the purpose to life? Only God knows.

Life isn't necessarily supposed to be fun. There are things I have done that have caused me pain that I don't regret. It's like I always say, "What kind of person would you be if you never had any hard experiences? A pretty fucking lousy person."

So in conclusion, God allows pain because PAIN IS HEALTHY!

The Wonder of Consciousness: Part 2

So, consciousness is required to give a physical being a sense of identity and free will.

When we introduce free will, it adds what can most closely be described as an element of randomness to a being's actions. Of course, it is not truly random. But in terms of programming, that's what it would most closely be related to.

If there is not free will, there is no purpose to consciousness whatsoever. All consciousness does is add the random element. If a being's actions are predetermined beforehand, if every decision has a fixed outcome even before it is made, then all you need is the algorithms, which can exist without consciousness.

On one of the websites I was looking at it said that consciousness gives animals the ability to plan. I don't understand why you need consciousness to plan. You don't. You just need more complex algorithms.

Free will is something very small, but very powerful. Free will is limited by the way your brain is wired. Free will exists in your thought processes. When you make a decision, it starts with a thought. Which leads you to the next thought, and you have a very small range of thoughts that you are likely to choose. Free will is what gives you a range of thoughts. Otherwise, without free will, you would not have any choice at all and only one possible thought to follow the first thought. From the second thought, you choose a third thought, from the small range of thoughts. Each thought is like a node, and while the range of choice from thought to thought is very small, you go through many thoughts which increases the range of variation when it comes to the outcome, which is the choice you make in the end. It is the shear number of nodes or thoughts that make free will powerful. Just so you know, I am just making this up.

Free will is most closely related to randomness, but it is not really random. However, it is not fixed beforehand either. It is neither. It is based on the nature of the spirit.

What exactly free will is, we are not supposed to know. All we know is that it is not random, not fixed, not known by us, and it is something in existence that is very magical and sacred.

Now, imagine a universe without consciousness or awareness. It's something that's kind of difficult and amazing and mind-blowing. If it's not, than you aren't doing it correctly! Because, through imagining the universe, you are imagining how you would experience this universe without any sort of awareness. Except, without awareness there are no experiences. Things don't look like anything. There are no thoughts or concepts to describe anything. So if you are doing it correctly, you should just draw a complete blank, because anything you experience when imagining it is an experience and in this world there are no experiences.

And so when I think of this, I am reminded of how truly magical and extraordinary consciousness is. And I realize that consciousness is everything. It is the source of everything beautiful and good in existence.

If something exists that doesn't effect anyone's experience of anything, does it really exist? No.

And I am reminded of the quantum mechanics slit experiment thingy I don't know much about.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If a universe exists but no one is around to experience it, does it really exist? Did the universe really exist before life came about?

Yes. That's because God was around. That's what I think.

So I guess what I am trying to say is, consciousness is like the most fucking amazing thing ever. It is something so mind-blowing it is impossible to comprehend. That's why it amazes me that some people think it is just some accidental byproduct of life forms, that it serves no purpose, or it is just an illusion. What the hell? Yeah, I read that some people think it is just an illusion. How the hell could it be just an illusion? Like I think I experience things, but I don't really experience anything at all besides total and utter nothingness. God dammit some people are just so god damn fucking stupid.

Or maybe they just didn't understand the question.

The Wonder of Consciousness Part 1

So, I wonder about people. Mostly, I wonder about people who think that the world is just physical, not spiritual or anything else.

Because I mean, I think it is pretty obvious that there are non-physical things. Like, concepts. Concepts are non-physical. You can't touch them. They don't take up any space. There isn't a point in space where they are thought to be located. Yet, you can't really deny that they exist.

Then there are things we experience. Like noises, or tastes, or colors, or thoughts. Noises are present in the air. Tastes on our tongue. Colors on objects. And thoughts on our minds. But when we experience these things, we don't really experience them in these places. We experience them somewhere else.

We experience these things in our consciousness. Consciousness is not a physical thing. Consciousness is a spiritual thing. Self-awareness is a spiritual thing.

No person would seriously deny that we are self-aware. There is really no argument about this, since we all experience it and know it to be a fact. The weird thing I think is, everyone knows about the existence of self-awareness, but some people would argue that the universe is just physical.

So consciousness or self-awareness is spiritual. Question is, what does spiritual mean? To me, spiritual means something that has value beyond the physical.

I remember a person at Innercept telling me about something he would ask the residents about at Innercept. He has a plant cell. And he kills it. Physically, it is identical to a living plant cell. But the living cell works and the dead one does not. Something left the dead plant cell.

When we have thoughts, where do these thoughts exist? In our heads? Inside our skull?

I guess what I am trying to say with this post is, I think that the simple state of being self-aware is magical. I don't think humans will be able to find a way to reproduce consciousness, because it is something supernatural.

To me, the fact that we are conscious proves the existence of the supernatural.

What is the evolutionary purpose of consciousness? There's none that I know of. If you think about it, at least, if you think about it to the extent I have thought about it, I can't really think of any way that self-awareness could be an evolutionary advantage.

So I just looked it up, and I found some of the fucking stupidest reasons ever. Like, consciousness is an advantage because species that enjoy living are more motivated to live. That's the stupidest fucking reason ever. If we were more robot like, we could just be programmed so we would always do things to help us live. We would have no "wants." Obviously this person didn't understand the question.

But apparently, it is some debate what the purpose of consciousness is. They can't figure it out. But I can. The purpose of consciousness is so that people have the power of choice and free will.

At least, that is the reason is showed up in living physical creatures, so that when spirits inhabited them, they could make choices.

To be continued...

The Magical Day When You Stop Trusting Your Brain and Submit to Everyone Else's Opinions

So my parents think that there was this magical time when I accepted I couldn't trust my own brain. Because as we all know, every parent dreams of that magical marvelous day when their child accepts that he or she just can't trust their own brain and submits to not thinking for themselves, not forming their own opinions and submitting to the opinions of everyone else.

I remember back awhile ago, I was reading my mom's email. And she had emailed a link to one of my blogs to my old therapist, a blog titled, "Trying to Reason When Your Reasoning is Messed Up." And my mom said, "Wow, how far Rachel has come!"

I thought that was funny, because that's not even the point I was making in that blog.

The thing about being told over and over and fucking over again that you can't trust your own brain, is that you start to wonder if maybe you can't. So that's all that post was, me wondering if I couldn't.

Anyway, you can tell that's not the conclusion I come to in this post because I end the post by wondering what the purpose of the final event was. The thing is, now I understand the purpose of the final event.

The reason this is significant is, my belief was that things weren't just random and delusional but each event happened on purpose for a reason. So by questioning the purpose of the final event, I was showing that I believe that the events happened on purpose. They were delusional, in that I believed stuff that wasn't true. But that's besides the point. The point is, I believed stuff that isn't true for a reason.

So, my parents think that my thinking was corrupted by this Scientologist guy. But that's not really what happened. My thinking has always been corrupted. It was never uncorrupted. But, there was a time when I pretended to believe what they wanted me to believe.

So my parents response to this is, “Rachel, your memory is messed up. You can't trust your own brain. You can't trust your own memory. We remember you believing the doctor's diagnosis with no reservations.”

Me not remembering things correctly is another symptom of my mental instability.

So, I had been working on taking myself off this nasty drug Depakote. Which can be difficult, but I was working at it and I had some success. I had myself stabilized on one pill instead of the normal two. Then, my mom found my stash of untaken pills. This filled her with distress.

So, I think that one of the ways my parents thought that Innercept made me better is that now I am willing to take medication. Not so. Not so. In reality, Innercept is a very expensive waste of time. I tried to tell my parents this, but they are like, Oh, Rachel, I can tell just by talking to you that you are doing so much better! You are so much more with it and here mentally than you were!

My dad tells me this when I am high out of my mind on cough syrup. So that's pretty much why I don't trust my parent's opinions.

Thank you for your time.

An Evolving God

So, I'm not sure how well my theories hold up against the bible. The parts of the bible that I am familiar with are more like history or mythology, and there isn't a whole lot about the nature of what God is, apart from there being only one god, no gods before this god, three parts to this god, basic stuff like that. The parts that are mythology are stories God told that didn't literally happen as He told them, like the story of Creation, and Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, and the story of the tower of Babel. Like, I don't believe the reason people speak different languages is because God confused their language when they were building the tower of Babel.

I was just reading Genesis again and one of the things I noticed that didn't make any sense is that Adam and Eve have Cain and Abel, and then Cain kill Abel, and then God curses Cain. So, if you are following the story, there should be only four people in the world at this point. Well, now three, because Abel died. But then God casts Cain away, and Cain complains that anyone who finds him will kill him, and God put a mark on Cain so that that no one would kill him, and then Cain goes off and marries some woman. What the hell? From whom did this other woman come from? Did Adam and Eve have a lot of other children that aren't mentioned?

So what I am thinking right now is, maybe, I don't really know, but there was evolution going on, and Adam and Eve were the first people who evolved from the apes or whatever into a human form. But this was happening everywhere, so there are other people other places. I don't know, that was just something I thought of right now.

So, I wanted to talk about this shattered God more. The purpose of life is to help God evolve. We are all pieces of God. So what God does is, He sends a piece of himself out to Earth, and that piece is the soul of a human. On Earth, that person forms bonds with other people, who are also pieces of God, and hopefully a bond with God directly. Upon death, God draws the piece back in, and that piece is again basked fully in the unlimited love of God. The bonds that the soul created on Earth are what help God evolve and grow stronger.

When fully basking in the eternal love of God, everyone is at their best. On Earth, you are still connected to God, but you are separate. You experience hardship and desire, and things that tempt you to turn wicked. As God challenges us, He challenges Himself. He challenges us to forgive one another. At the same time, He is learning to forgive us, and love us despite our wickedness.

You can not give birth to something that is not present in you. God Himself is not wicked, but within God is a desire for wickedness. He gives birth to creatures with that same desire. Within God, is humanity, even before humanity existed. That includes the positive aspects of humanity and the negative aspects of humanity. But the difference between God and humans on Earth is that within God is also a good force which overpowers the desire for wickedness.

See, God in his entirety is perfect, but in this case, perfect is relative. As God evolves, the definition of perfect also changes, and becomes better.

That is why God evolves throughout the bible. God causes death and destruction in the old testament. Perhaps He has a hard time forgiving people for their wickedness. God's rules do change as time goes on. Jesus sets out updated laws from the laws that Moses set up.

There are more than just three aspects of God. The father, the son, and the holy ghost are just the basic aspects of God.

All this is just speculation.