Well, You Should At Least Tell Someone What Happened, Rachel...

I should be finishing the ole' memoir series here. And.. I don't feel like it. We can talk about it here, I guess. So... After I got to Unity Hospital, after the abortion, and Jason got angry about something that wasn't true that he "picked up on" and of course message blocked me. My brain was doing something, I was at my parent's house, in pain, and the part that I neglected to remember for awhile was that Subbie was the one who made a suicide threat on Facebook, and that actually might have been why the cops were called, not because of a little bit of screaming. It could have been either one, though. So what happened? I wasn't allowed a glass of water first. Of course, I thought it was a major point of interest the first time I was denied water on the way and at the hospital and after injected with medication even, now this was old news. I don't know why they can't let you have water. In general, or sometimes at all. You wouldn't want to flush out the medication, I guess. That's the joke, ha ha? Anyway, I was in a lot of pain of some sort on the way to the hospital. They had no water on the way, except of course for the "salt water," and it wasn't really a joke they thought was funny either or else I would have noticed they were kidding about that. I asked the man in ambulance or transport vehicle, did anything weird just happen? "No, standard procedure." This isn't a situation anyone would think was interesting, I guess, is what he meant. He wanted to prick my finger, and I wondered why he would want to invade my personal space anymore than had already happened right there. It occurred to me later, that's standard procedure and he just asked, he didn't insist. Then I got to the ole dreaded Unity Hospital. There was a bunch of commotion, I was doing something with my mouth and my face and stuff to maintain sanity, I didn't say anything mean. There was something going on, I asked if they could at least release me, geez. A guy there told me, "Don't ask me what's going on, I'm dumb." I knew he meant there was something wrong with this situation, and he can't do anything about it. God, this situation was so annoying I don't even want to talk about it. So I got to the ole', umm, "seclusion" unit. And I'm expected to sleep with a bright light, in the middle of the day, in a room with only a little mattress. There is a private restroom and it is locked. They told me, "People have gotten very creative in the restroom." Anyway... But, well I didn't actually have to go to the restroom, I needed nicotine, at least. People pass the room, and no one will help you. And, there is no call button. It came up at one point, "You were supposed to wave at the cameras." No, that doesn't work, and they are not looking, either. After awhile, they put a piece of paper over the window, because they couldn't stand being reminded that someone was in the room. I was trying to, you know, regain the will to live, this time. I was there for suicide. So, to keep myself from... I don't know. Losing my mind, I guess. I resorted to our power chant, "What are we doing, 8312? What are we doing, 8312?" This is a reference to a couple things, one of them a dream I had early on when the conscious part of the mission started, it is a reference to early spell work but actually in this dream it was a protest rally chant. That person who put the paper there was offended, and they came and told me. I didn't know what they meant. "You insulted someone." I looked at them bewildered. "What did I say?" Oh... "You forgot a part," said the guides. I was supposed to drink the water like a baby with someone holding the "sippy cup." I didn't do it, but they held it to my mouth for a second. I forgot that part, and I didn't like that part. So, anyway, I have my voice to keep me company here, so I did thinks like, "Excuse me, passerby." I liked "excuse my, passerby." Just an exercise in saying words in a rhythmic fashion. Well, in Unity Hospital's defense though, you're not supposed to do anything in this particular place besides sleep. And I am incapable of sleeping with a bright light on me, or... It's really uncomfortable. I just went through the worst experience of my life, can I at least have the comfort of lying down, letting my brain relax and sleep come over me, can I at least have that comfort? No, because there is a blaring light. We don't want you to bang your head against the wall, I wouldn't do that, but they are not going to take any fucking chances in this setting, none at all! And no, the walls aren't padded, just pointing that out. Eventually, they forced Zyprexa on me, and I didn't sleep. Then... Uhh.. I didn't sleep and the next morning, the nurse came with my nicotine... Which was the lozenge. You know, I enjoy chewing nicotine gum, I like the way it makes me think and feel, and holding a lozenge on my tongue does not do the same thing. I didn't take it, and I wasn't mean, I just pointed out I'll wait for the gum (if I take the lozenge the gum would be a nevermind). And... The nurse never came back. Well, not till like the end of the day, and I said something (I don't remember the exact quote) and called her "Mommy." And she looked upset, and the joke I made in my head was that I squashed that woman's dreams of being a mommy someday. I was supposed to think of that situation, first. I don't remember sleeping at all in this setting, and I was here for maybe two days? If I slept at all, it wasn't quality sleep. I pissed on the floor, a safe distance from my bed, because I'm not going to deal with their shenanigans while holding my bladder thank you very much. I told them sincerely, "I feel like I'm being treated like I'm subhuman here, but it's okay I'm used to it." And they went and got Kayla to second guess my sincerity here. And she was upset that I was refusing their "care," which was the dopamine blockers. Oh, their "loving care." Then, right away I was moved to the Pez, where you have to sit around for awhile... Oh, I remember what happened. Kayla said something about my "aggression," which you know I don't have aggression, so I said something... (it wasn't aggression that was happening at the hospital, just a general reference to things I might be experiencing). Anyway, I started to interrupt, she said "hey, you interrupted me," and I stopped and let her talk. And she said, "You know what I noticed. I noticed you listened, and that's something new." The thing about that was, that's not something new, and I know at least my family knows this, the old passing the ball back and forth is hard for me, so I get mad when they interrupt, and say "oh there I did it excuse me." I lose my train of thought when I'm interrupted, I might not even be able to remember what I was saying, and the thing is they've had more practice, but this isn't a competition either, in this situation, conversations, we are trying to reach an understanding. Anyway, when I arrived to the Pez and a calm room opened up like I predicted, and Kayla left... I told someone about Kayla's assumption, and he said, "Oh, did she... Thank you for pointing that out." I thought that might not have been Kayla's first offense. So, here I was at the Pez now, the next disgusting holding place.