Myself, the "Whore of Babylon," and the Sexual Immorality Conundrum

Seems like night after night, I have dreams about Pastor Kurt from Bible study in Coeur D'Alene. These dreams seem to be pretty pervasive, despite not talking to him at all for years on a conscious level. What was last night's dream? There was a blurb about him, a blurb about these animals that were clothed in fabric... A common symbol in my dreams, don't know what it means. Then... I was playing a game of Starcraft. It may not have actually been Starcraft, a game sort of like that. We were playing 4vs.4. It's been a common dream, a very common reoccurring dream, where I am playing Starcraft and losing. Only, last night, I was playing a game and barely paying attention, and then suddenly myself and my allies developed a really intense new technology and suddenly wiped out our adversaries. It was an intense victory. Leaving the hospital today, and no I have not given into any stupid "delusional" belief about the situation, I mean labeling myself delusional, but I am So. Fucking. Overwhelmed. Well... What am I again? Babylon? A bad, "sexually immoral" character apparently. I have been nothing but faithful to God since the beginning, so how can I be bad? Well, clearly there is some confusion about who the woman in Babylon is... Yes, there has been ridiculous "sexual riff-raff," however actual sexual contact has been minimal, and besides, I have limited ability to experience sexual arousal anyway... So, how am I supposed to be some sexual immoral character when I have not even experienced fully what sex is like, due to limits in ability to become aroused during sex? Conundrum, isn't it? Besides, God also says I have never even experienced the intensity of a true orgasm, when I experience orgasms they are muted compared to what other people experience. Anyway, I guess it must be the sick-to-your-stomach "Goody-two shoes" Bible Thumpers, who insist that God would never lighten up on the sex rules. And, Jesus seems to be on my side. But is it the right Jesus? DUN DUN DUN... I'll leave it there, to show I have enough faith in God and faith in myself that things will end up exactly the way God intends.

Suicide Demons, Suicide Couples, Begone!

I found out last night I actually had a suicide demon, caused by when the Suicide Couple struck again. It has been draining my energy and making me feel like shit. All day today, the Suicide Demon has been making me want to hurt myself. It was hard work, and it took a long time... Not to feed into the demon's negative thoughts. Think positive, and pray... However, Jesus didn't seem to be able to do anything about the demon. It was my guides or other specialists on the other side who finally got rid of him. Simultaneously, my guides got rid of cords of attachment to Jason. Clearly, Jason is someone who is toxic who needs to be left behind, by me. The first time the Suicide Couple struck, I attempted suicide. This time... When they struck again, I got a suicide demon. Clearly, there are people in this world who think the entire world revolves around them, just because they have kids. Naturally, I won't want to talk to Jason anymore anyway, because his thoughts and feelings have been reduced to mindless immature grunts and noises indicating rude complaints. Where are the people I can relate to? Well, I could always listen to what Jesus told me to do. Jesus told me to pray, which I have been doing. He also told me to join a church group and work on getting in shape at a gym. Seems like I have my work cut out for me. Seems like things are looking up for me, now that suicidal influences are being left to rot in the past. YAY! Praise Jesus!

If Spirits Are So Smart, Why Do Humans Need Brains?

I personally understand this concept by thinking of it as "density." Earth is a place that is "solid" and "dense" compared to the Other Side. Why do spirits come down for lifetimes to begin with? Well, obviously to grow, but the multiverse is set up so that on the Other Side, spirits never experience pain. Ever. And after going for the equivalent of one hundred or so years without experiencing pain, spirits start to feel weird and crave pain bad. However, there may be a difference in how we think of pain and how spirits think of pain... yes, hurting yourself physically creates pain, but also, it could just be that being "crammed" in a body or experiencing the density of being on Earth, is what spirits consider pain, compared to what they experience on the Other Side. When a spirit is crammed into a body and experiences the awkwardness of being in a human "dense" form, it helps with cognition if they have a brain to think. However, ghosts who are Earthbound are sometimes capable of some sort of intelligence, depending on the intelligence of the soul. Some ghosts may possess some intelligence, while others do not. So, in short, a soul does not need a brain to be intelligent, however humans are much more intelligent than ghosts. I do not understand the way the Other Side is set up, and it seems to be a "don't go there," meaning it is hard to explain to a human on Earth. One time, a spirit who was making a joke about being disgruntled said he had been wandering around, "complaining about other souls touching him." Then he explained, on the Other Side, strangers would never touch you, ever. There is some reason why that could never happen. Spirits have physical forms, or visual forms. They have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. Typically that's true on all other planes (for lifetimes, besides Earth), as well as on the Other Side. How attractive your physical form is corresponds directly with how attractive your soul is (based on soul traits). God never has to come down for lifetimes. He has ways of experiencing pain without living lifetimes.

But Last Time You Were In The Hospital...

We could talk about how a belief that I was supposed to be some sort of actor playing Jesus on the Earth Plane, was replaced with a belief that I am actually Babylon. It fits, actually. I've explained it before on here. The thing is, it is very clearcut that SOMETHING SUPERNATURAL or biblical is going on here... the belief becomes SOLID when you point out, hey, you aren't Jesus, you are Babylon... I like being Babylon better, actually. It just takes a "psychological adjustment." You are not Ms. Perfect, or Mr. Ultimate Perfection, however you are someone who is extremely important. Which takes a psychological adjustment, and I never wanted to be Jesus anyway. When I was introduced to the idea in 2006, I didn't like it at first, then I realized that actually, that might be sort of fun... However, GEEZ, too much pressure. And... The world isn't ready for a female Jesus anyway. That's too strange and apparently America wasn't ready for a black president either, if the president immediately after was a demagogue. Sad, but true. What happened though? I denounced belief toward the end of my hospital stay. Or.. Despite the clear biblical reference, I was discouraged from believing it when I e-published my first memoir and it sold, how many copies? A measly SEVEN. Over the first few months, it only sold seven. What did I want to point out? Right before I published my memoir... I was looking at stuff online, like the fact that on my Twitter page, it says somewhere that no one at all searched for Rachel Zuhl. I find it kind of suspicious actually, that no one at all would be searching for Rachel Zuhl on Twitter. When I post blogs, it tells me how many times each blog was read, and I also give it leeway considering if you are viewing my blog as a whole, it does not count as a hit to a particular blog post... I get enough hits to encourage me to keep posting, but as Subbie has repeatedly pointed out to Conscie, "a lot more people tell me they read it (on the spiritual plane), then it shows up as hits. Which, leads me to believe this number isn't even accurate, at all." I figure that this is shaky anyway, and there is this situation on my blog where it keeps telling me I need to notify readers of cookies or something or get them to accept cookies.. Which, I figure, since I haven't done that, it wouldn't be accurate anyway. The "Higher Self" sent a message, in addition, not long before I published my memoir. "They do a neat job of keeping this from you." How many people are viewing my online stuff, in general, is what the "Higher Self" meant. And it doesn't happen very often either, that the "Higher Self" sends a message, and when it does it is important and it means I need to listen. What's the situation with the seven people who bought my blog? Well, two were these two guys I was talking to at the time that I am no longer talking to, there's Rebecca a friend from high school, my sister, and... Some random dude I don't even know, don't even have as a Facebook Friend, was talking to my on Facebook about how much he liked the Matthew III situation. Also, in addition, every once in awhile, despite doing no advertising, I get new likes to Party Like Jesus, and new likes to Subbie's Psychic Readings. You know, I actually find it suspicious, that no one at all bought Party Like Jesus. I would think I must have at least several other friends, people I know personally, let alone random internet followers, who were interested in my memoir. I actually find that kind of suspicious! Of course, I got blind-sided, thinking that this involves money so it's going to be accurate... Actually... Why? Eventually I will get the money. So, what's my point here? I am trying to point out it wasn't the medication that made me doubt my "delusional" belief system, it was nothing besides the supposed sales of Party Like Jesus. Also, I was doing pretty fucking terrible the last time I left the hospital. Suicidal, turning to harder drugs, lack of emotional energy to do positive activities... And I feel like that has changed now. So wow, do you think I am needing the old Depakote/Haldol medication? That was NOT effective. I don't think this is actually a WEIRD theory. I just think it is FUCKING ANNOYING. And that's that. So, what's my point? Is the right medication going to get rid of a belief that it is not schizoaffective disorder? You got to be kidding me...

Anger? Is it Ever Justified?

I was taught that "you make yourself mad." This came up over and over again, my dad's words. "You make yourself mad." Is anger a human emotion? Yes. Well, it's an IRRATIONAL human emotion though... (I'm making fun of my dad here) Human cognition isn't always rational. Just because it is irrational at times, does not indicate mental illness. What am I trying to point out here? Stop being an atheist who thinks you are capable of understanding everything and human behavior/thinking is always rational unless there is a mental illness present. Actually... What is the "mental illness" I have? A problem with cognition during conversation. Why the hell do you think I am bringing up such an emotional issue as the problem I had after we moved and I couldn't make friends? Why? I wouldn't, if it weren't for the fact my spirit guides and I do work. And that was not a personal pitfall... I had a cognitive problem making conversation. Another thing, if I get angry, calling the police aggravates the problem. Just FYI. I do not think rationally when the police are around. So, it's not a good idea to call the police preemptively. Just sayin'. I know you were worried about aggressive behavior in my past, just sayin'. I can't think properly if the police are present. So, now that I have your attention... Whenever I make a point in a conversation, my dad says, "You are not making sense." I know this. I am pointing this out. I have good reason to believe both my dad and my mom are in denial about the situation. Also... There are a number of very clear-cut indications that there are people in this world who are on my side. I know, Laura, you would naturally assume these things are "Delusions of Reference." That's the pitfall, and it's a little bit more clearcut than that... That's the thing. That's the thing that makes me unhappy here. There is another issue I am tempted to make fun of here, given the fact that I am relying on Delusions of Reference, but I would like to stay on topic. I know what Ideas of Reference are too, Laura, and I am calling them Delusions of Reference for a reason. Okay... So what else? I'm not mad at Laura. She didn't do anything wrong. And neither did I, either. These are called consequences, not punishments. You address the issue for the first time with Laura the case manager, and you knew previously not to talk about the REAL issues with anyone, especially Mental Health Professionals... Yes, a coffee pot gets broken and you get taken to the hospital. These are natural consequences. What else? Sometimes a change of scenery is what I need at the time. This is a very prevalent problem. There have been so many situations in my life, where what I needed was a change of scenery. What's the real issue here which evoked RAGE? I told Laura about my sister's rape history, and she called my words, and she may have mispoken like I do a lot, "lies." That's the issue that evoked rage. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOM AND DAD, STOP ACTING LIKE KRISTEN LIES ABOUT RAPE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, ETC. Or... "SHE ASKS FOR IT." I have noticed this behavior in BOTH my parents. And that's the heart of the issue. So, I reiterate. I'm not mad at Laura. And... the other confounding issue here is that "Ted" living at our house actually HELPED my emotional development. So, picking on ME here. "Yeah, and Kristen turned out okay... Nervous laughter..." AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That's not what I really think, okay. No, Kristen did not turn out okay. I KNOW THAT. Just bringing up the issue here. What's the other issue here? Something about the spirits in my life, and them having some sort of approval of rape fantasies. That's why the issue comes up now. And... I'm under a lot of stress, I have a cognitive problem making conversation, and I may not understand what I am allowed to point out to Laura... And I got carried away even thinking she would be understanding of any of it, if she is a mental health professional. Understanding what? The idea that God even COULD intervene, ever. In a serious way, not... "Well he intervened by giving you strength..." That.

What is a Savant?

What is a "savant?" It's a situation that happens sometimes with Autism. A savant is an autistic person who has some sort of amazing analytical superpower. For example, the ability to look at something and paint it with amazingly perfect detail. The thing about it is, I can't cite my source here I was reading about this a long time ago, maybe during one of my random internet searches after school in high school. It occurs in people who are not socially integrated. When they are integrated back into society, the superpower usually goes away. I'm not autistic. However, my point is, being not completely socially integrated has helped me do philosophy. Sometimes I think, duh, God exists, what is wrong with you for not thinking that? Then I remember... Wow what a journey it took to get to that belief system. The other thing is, the idea of who "I" am, implying I have (am) a soul, becomes completely obvious with the mindflip. "I" feel more "solid" and immortal. The thing is, there aren't words to describe it, it's just a "duh." I can't actually argue that point. As a side thought, it's interesting when you argue on the internet. It's not always clear who won the argument. People don't typically concede ever.

The Pitfalls of Trying to Play "Marriage Counseler"

So... Let's get straight to the point, shall we? Why did I DELIBERATELY break the coffee pot at the group home? I don't like breaking things, by the way. I don't feel like breaking things are shattering things to make me feel better. Also, I didn't "smash" the coffee pot, I just tapped it rather lightly on purpose to bump it to the ground. What's the issue here? My parent's need marriage counciling. Which brings me back to... something my guides said about their favorite part of Innercept, which was lecture after lecture about "collusion." I don't know that this is even a proper definition of collusion... But Bruce said, in a relationship with two people, one person does something that makes the other mad, and the other reacts by angering them back, and then the first person does something to anger the second person. It continues like that, it becomes a vicious downward spiral. My dad's problem is his weight. He has lost weight from his highest point, however I am not convinced he is still losing weight, like he says. There are health concerns with my dad, and I am not told about them. My dad's problem is that he overeats. My mom's problem is that she spends his money and whines. I'm trying to point this out to Beev, for the love of God, stop spending his money altogether. Imagination Christmases, Imagination Birthdays. No vacations. How many times have you gone to Europe, Beev? It's not free. Yes Beev, the problem is you now. I understand that you are very disappointed in your husband for gaining so much weight after you married him, and now it seems to me like you have a childish attitude about how you managed to secure a rich husband. At the same time... I do wonder if "gentle nagging," I'm thinking of Marge Simpson here, might actually deter the behavior of him overeating. My dad is working as hard as he can to make money again. When I lived at home, I heard it every morning in the bathroom through the wall. It is a hell of a struggle for him to get up and get moving. He can't help it, okay, it's hard for him to move first thing in the morning. Why is he mad at you Beev? The kids are grown and gone. You are no longer a "stay at home mother." You don't do your job either. What's the other confounding issue here? Christmas in the Zuhl household. I have an older sister, who still has this little kid attitude about Christmas which drives everyone in my immediate family fucking nuts. Your dreams don't come true on Christmas anymore, Kristen. Christmas is a holiday for children. That's why they say "it's the thought that counts." All this whining and complaining about Christmas comes from my older sister, and I do not want my parents to fall for the pitfall of confusing which daughter is which. I personally do not care about Christmas. For me, it is just another day on the calendar. I personally enjoy November 19th, there aren't actually any November 19th traditions I just look at the calendar and feel happy, yay, another November 19th. Actually though, I don't care about holidays in general. I hate obsessing about the time of year. On a related note, I'm also not the one who thought there was something wrong with my parents for not wanting to be famous, I am not the one who complains about how I have to be dazzled with an exquisite home-cooked meal when I come to visit, and I am not the one who picks on my mom for not making an effort with her appearance and bugging her about how she should wear more makeup. Do not confuse your two daughters, here. So, what is the issue here? Dunkin Donuts Coffee. I am not complaining about the coffee, Beev. It was fine, I didn't feel the need to shower you with affection for buying me coffee. The coffee brand was fine. However, speaking of coffee tastes... There was a situation early at Innercept, where a girl there was getting a gift of French Vanilla Dunkin Donuts coffee. And if we are speaking of coffee tastes, I fucking hate flavored coffee, okay. I don't think this was flavored coffee, but that's why I didn't shower Beev with praise for the fact that it was Dunkin Donuts. I wasn't complaining either, it was just fine. However, I walked into the room when my parents were alone, and they said something about the coffee being crisco. Which reminds me of something about my late grandma I wonder if I should even share, and it's probably fine because she says so... My grandma, that is... When she was old she had to put Crisco on her anus to prevent leakage. Of course, as children, this grossed the fuck out of us and we had an annoyed attitude about the situation. So when Beev says to me, that was a joke your father made I thought was funny! Actually, for one I don't even believe you. But on the other hand, I wasn't actually in the room when it happened. Seems like a sign of dementia that you would even point out it reminds you of Crisco, actually. Just sayin' What's the other issue here? I am simultaneously pointing something out to Feether Meeke, in private, which is that I think he could have done better than that woman. And with some sort of incest theme, in general, in the entirety of this situation... I also have a fear, yes, an irrational fear, that he thinks I am into him sexually, which I know is wrong, but this is due to factors in my psychology I do not have control over. There is something on a subconscious level of awareness, called fears. These are known to be irrational, and fear that the parent of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are gay), thinks you are sexually interested, is actually a common fear. This is, what I call, "Psychologie." Though I'm not sure that's the French word for psychology, no assumptions or jokes about the French here, just saying it's concepts that may seem foreign. So... My mom liked the joke about how I didn't appreciate the gift because it reminds me of Crisco, was what I heard from my mother. And I don't know if that happened for sure, and I am biased towards believing information that is conveyed to me. That's a joke at my expense, if it happened, Beev. Actually... What comes up here, I had a friend who was sending subliminal messages to me. And... it's hard to think clearly when I am scared, in general. I pointed out to my dad in the car, upon him making a comment about sleep walking off a cliff in THOSE houses, "I wouldn't expect that to be a problem." Which brings us too... "Weak Subbie Syndrome." In general, when people do things they regret upon waking in their sleep, it indicates Weak Subbie Syndrome. They don't have strong subconscious minds. And, on a side note, like Homer Simpson, I have a stronger subconscious mind than I have a conscious mind. That's the thing, but that is off topic. My dad laughed pretty hard when I told him I didn't expect sleep walking off a cliff to be a problem. I knew at that moment, through empathy and things Subbie has pointed out to me, "I'm not actually mad about your global warming messiah situation," (which worries me to even point out that is what I am thinking here, but I sort of have to), I just need to sleep, maybe, and this is very hard because I have to face my worst fear of being publically humiliated. Anyway... The joke here, with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Beside the fact that I have been pushing coffee, or providing coffee, in a Group home where coffee might exacerbate mental illness... And besides the fact that someone just died of a heart attack, and people have been taking my coffee without asking... And besides the fact that I eat a ton and I don't want people to think I'm gluttonous, but that's not really it either. This is a junk food reference too. Anyway, what am I getting at? With Beev... I wouldn't trust her subconscious mind not to do things in her sleep. There is a sleep disorder where people binge eat in their sleep, and I'm not saying I would expect Beev to do that, but in this situation where the psyche is humiliated and stressed out, I actually wouldn't trust her not to. So... What's the joke here? Seems like a subliminal message to drink coffee instead of binge eating in her sleep. And then... With my dad's anger at my mom for never actually having sex with him, anymore... Crisco seems like an anal rape joke. At any rate, "Dunkin Donuts Coffee" Seems like a subliminal message. Also, to my case manager Laura, please forgive me for not thinking completely rationally all the time when I am so overwhelmed by all this. That's the other thing. With my situation, Don't assume CONSISTENT rational thinking. I do get overwhelmed, and another thing I learned at Innercept... thinking becomes irrational when extreme anger is involved. Just part of the human experience. Thank you for your time.

Murder Thy Elephant

What is Murder Thy Elephant? Well, it happened a year ago now, where Subbie said, "We are entering Murder Thy Elephant. What do we do in Murder Thy Elephant?" It was a rhetorical question to Conscie. Conscie of course, had no idea what Subbie was talking about. To get some background on the situation, I was in a Coricidan induced alter states quite a few months before this, and Subbie wanted to do something weird. Seemed weird to Conscie, but Conscie always listens to Subbie like a good bitch Conscie does. I'm kidding, by the way. It sort of seems like it. It was a picture, "Ding dong ditch pro," a meme where someone ding dong ditches their own house. Conscie had reservations about doing this but Subbie wanted to, so okay Subbie. Actually, Conscie wasn't sure she even got the joke so she didn't want to make fun of Emily's meme right there. In retrospect, it occurred to me the idea was to cause a diversion in a strict household so you can sneak out the backdoor. Not sure, that was just an idea that occurred to me later, and I wasn't embarrassed because Subbie was certain of her reasoning right there. By the way, Murder thy Elephant was spelled wrong, on purpose. Conscie knew that, but couldn't even figure out what the correct spelling was anyway, to be honest. So, later it came up that this was supposedly some reference to Christian literature that wasn't actually in the Bible, or so Subbie said. But at any rate, Murder Thy Elephant meant we leave the house, and it was an incident that no one in the Rachel Zuhl Experience was actually looking forward to. That's why I'm confident in my reasoning that I will never get violent with anyone at all again. Naturally I was only drunk when I attacked my mother, it makes me cringe when I think about it, and I do not wish harm on others ever. I didn't actually want to do that, and Subbie, believe it or not, has the power, and has demonstrated so in the past, has power over the conscious mind, to take control. This is the part of the situation that has always horrified me that I have known about on subconscious level ever since the obsession with the movie Fluke. At the time, I was always annoyed by this situation, the violence was the BIG HORROR, but I was also annoyed by the situation where I would even be required to lie to my parents. However, on a subconscious level in fourth grade, my spirit guides were explaining things, and it was Subbie this, Subbie that, Subbie is wonderful, and I can't fucking wait till I get Subbie! Just... the big yucky. At one point, Subbie has to violently attack my mother and confirm everyone's apparent suspicion that the mentally ill are dangerous and sociopathic. So... Why the hell would "we," (myself, God, spirit guides), insist on even having such a horrific act in the grand plan? It seems easy to guess. To make a point about how belittling guardianship parents can be. Everyone reaches a breaking point. This woman, my mother, has a nasty opinion of the mentally ill, and assumed without asking that this "poor weak trembling child" wouldn't for the life of her want to be on the streets. And gosh darnit, she didn't understand from the getgo that this was SAD, gosh darnit Rachel this is SAD, stop acting happy! It always seemed like my mom was more upset by the situation than I was, when I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Rachel just for the life of her does not understand the seriousness of the situation, if I see her smiling or acting happy at all. You have no shame, Rachel. You should feel ASHAMED, not delighted. Some people who have mental illness, might get so overwhelmed by a mother who is so belittling of mental illness, mopes and acts overly dramatic about it, someone who thinks the stigma of mental illness is more intense than Rachel does... You know, on another topic entirely, I have always been interested in mental illness and I believe I would have a light-hearted attitude about the situation if I knew that's what it was. What is shame, by the way? Different from humiliation. Shame is more "party foul and remove from the pack." On a related note, there was a required incident early in life that taught me what shame felt like. I feel weird bringing it up actually, I was wondering though if my parents made a permanent judgment of my character based on an incident that happened when I was in Kindergarten. It was a relatively easy exercise at the time, a mysticism decision, which... don't get me started on weirdo shit about deep levels of soul awareness throughout my lifetime effecting actions. Anyway... it was an early incident in teaching myself what human emotions felt like, and I was so young that it wasn't so important that I didn't easily dropped it after my dad apologized. This situation is actually sort of funny now, but hard to believe. I don't want to kook the fuck out of everyone, like everything I say does, I feel, sometimes. Going off topic... There are so many incidents I am looking at now, with other people, where people aren't humiliated, no, worse than that, they feel shame. With humiliation... "No, don't feel embarrassed, I didn't make a character judgment based on the situation. At least, not one I didn't already make of you." Referring to weird attitudes about picture reading here. Anyway... That's why there is a joke about "Murder Thy Elephant." Actually, "Cage the Elephant" is a very memorable band name to me, based on the name of the band alone. I like the music too of course, however there is something weird about even listening to it now because the album I was listening to is so closely intertwined with the time period, which is when I was at stabilization at Innercept. Subbie indicated, on a subconscious level, while at stabilization listening to Cage the Elephant, I went wild thinking about a situation where a well-known children's author visited the school, back in elementary school. The idea was that you tether the elephant with a little tether to the ground when it is small, it learns it can't overpower the tether, and when it's big it doesn't even question that assumption, even though it could as an adult elephant. In a family discussion, Kristen said to my parents, in the weak voice of a scared child, "I'm that elephant, mom and dad." Referring to her problems with school. So, back to stabilization... I was thinking, what if the elephant did anyway? Well, you would need to cage the elephant! And then what would happen if the elephant kept growing? You would need more and more cages, each one larger than the last. And lots of variations on what would you do with the darned elephant that wouldn't stop growing. So, back to the task at hand, which is explaining Murder Thy Elephant. Subbie asked Conscie, not long before it happened, "What do we do during Murder Thy Elephant?" Subbie didn't indicate at all what it was, and it seemed to be to the effect of, "Watch out, Conscie. I don't like this part either." Subbie doesn't usually cause problems. With Conscie, it is Subbie this, and Subbie that. Subbie is magical and wonderful. And I wouldn't expect Subbie to get violent again. It's a situation that seems completely ridiculous, when Laura the case manager asks, "What if you feel the urge to get violent with your parents again?" Kind of like asking me, "What would you do if you felt the urge to lick a dog's anus?" The most ridiculous situation I can possibly imagine. Well, what would you do Laura, if you felt the urge to lick a dog's anus? Walk the other direction. I guess. I don't even want to answer that question it seems so absurd.

Hogging the Ball

 Let's discuss hogging the ball. And... randomly, excessive fixation on the book 1984. Let's discuss that later though, and stay on track.

Dopamine. There is a misleading situation, not sure what anyone else is thinking actually, regarding excessive grabbiness of the ball. Actually, a problem I have been mindful of and working on is interrupting. It completely throws me out of my zone when my parents interrupt AT ALL, no excuse for interrupting. Just saying.

And... it leads to myths about being arrogant and self-obsessed. There's also this situation where no one really talks to me all that much, or, not a whole lot of conversation in general. Which generates lack of situations in other people's life to be interested in. And lack of emotional energy towards other people since I am so distant from other people on the spiritual plane, in general. Actually, lack of real emotional closeness, in general. For newcomers, one of the situations at hand here is I can't talk to anyone about things I find funny in my life or emotionally significant since there are reasons I don't share things, usually because they are hard to believe and I don't want my judgment or sanity called into question. I try to be confident of my sanity, you know. I already have existentialism and an strong an idea in my mind that my world makes no sense and there are no other people around, or real people. I mean Real people. Not, you know... Actually this is a dream reference, and I am pointing out it is on my blog.

I get grabby with human contact for this reason. Not usually though. Sometimes I flood. The newsfeed. That's why.

I don't want to flood, and then, people might actually be interested in my situation is something I assume. Most of the time.

Actually, hogging the ball. Talking creates dopamine, interesting conversations actually and the stuff I'm saying.

Troubled topic.

WARNING: Mental Breakdown Eminent

 I was thinking of writing Glow Like Jesus, actually... Touch Like Jesus seems a tad short at 50,000 words, but it comes up consistency in length isn't important. It ends at summer of 2019. What happened then, again? Lots of stuff, too much to actually remember.

And then... I start staring blankly at myself in the mirror, with a weird expression on my face. Something's wrong. Something's wrong! What? What, Subbie? Not a conversation I am having at the moment, was Subbie's response... Yes, something is wrong. And sometimes when someone is badgering me or bothering me or there is something intense about a conversation on a subconscious level, I notice consciously, but apparently that's not the issue. What's wrong? I... don't know what to do. It's been intense stressor after intense stressor. And, I feel invincible, however, I am still human, and I know what they say about stress... General change is a stressor, even if it is not a bad thing.

I have had so many fucking things happen one after the other and I took it all in stride. In just the past month, not counting everything that happened before that. What's wrong? Well, it's not that, says Subbie.

Actually... It's the sad social situation. I have no one to talk to about the things that I actually think about on a daily basis. It's a blank, empty room, staring at the wall, no one around... Nah, a roommate who talks to herself about gibberish topics, and keeps me awake. On that note, it's occurred to me that I AM NOT THE BEST ROOMMATE MYSELF, okay... My side of the room is a complete mess. So... fuck, I have no one for support, no people.

I have a friend I see on a regular basis, Chris, and that's the extent of my social life at the moment. It's not his fault, my life is so weird, and I can't talk about what's bothering me with him. There is NO ONE.

Which reminds me of the hospital... I was thinking about the Eminem situation, that was the thing that was keeping me going at the time actually, early on, and I tried to talk to a woman there about it and she wouldn't fucking hear it. Like, I know that is a common delusion, celebrity stuff, but LISTEN ANYWAY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. The situation was interesting, but... Please, for the love of GOD, don't put me in a situation where I am talking to a mental health professional who is "trained in mental illness." They will not take me seriously for one second, God dammit.

I'm getting annoyed thinking about it now, actually. GOD I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE. The thing that stands out about the situation, they are going to assume the stuff I want to talk about is a memory confabulation. The important details, they will write off as memory confabulations. Subbie says, that's been an ongoing problem when talking to therapists about my life actually. No, they didn't say it... Just assumed a story I told didn't actually happen.

Not only that, they WON'T talk about it. Won't talk about DELUSIONS.

Grrr.. Anyway... I used to talk to Jason, but, yeah, he's being non-responsive. Little puppy dog tails attached and running in all different directions... That's a blog reference, that's what I'm trying to do with my mental stability here. Subbie says, he doesn't like being my "pillar of stability," not quite stable himself, actually.

So this situation has gotten completely DISGUSTING. Heading off a cliff, here... It's the PEOPLE situation here, not chemical. Actually, I have cut myself slack for even using drugs (marijuana/alcohol) for the time being, because I use it as a substitute for human support. I have no support.

And.... I don't make friend cords anymore. Stopped making friend cords.

Now I'm sitting here mumbling to myself about my mom and how she wants to make appointments.