Dreams and Their Pesky Ways

I woke up yelling and groaning from a dream last night. I was staying at a hotel with my parents, but they were still awake. When I woke up in the morning I remembered how I had woke up yelling, I didn't remember what the dream was about at first but then I thought about it and I remembered. There were two people who were the same. I think one was a girl and one was a guy. I was the girl. The thing was, everyone was supposed to be different, so I had to pretend to be different than I actually was. We had a plan about how in the end we were going to reveal ourselves to be the same, but it was nearing the end and it wasn't working out like I had planned, either the other guy backed out or I forgot the plan or it just wasn't working, and I was going to be labeled as mentally incompentent.

This parallels my life weakly but not exactly. Sometimes I relive hard things I've been through in dreams. None of these things happened when I was in treatment. They're things that happened years ago, that I should be over but I'm not. Sometimes it's about my "mental illness," but the thing I'm thinking about was something that happened leading up to the onset.

It happened when I met a guy who liked me. After a few days, I realized that I liked him too. Then he started being rude to me, treating me disrespectfully, and he wouldn't let me hang out with him. And I never got over it. Even now, I'm not over it. I hardly new him.

I feel that my dreams mock me sometimes, by bringing to the surface feelings I would rather were left buried. I lived it once, and it's over. Why must I live it again? I curse these dreams and their pesky ways.

Actually, I love dreams. You just have to admit that some dreams are rather annoying.

Psychic Powers

At the time being, I don't believe I'm psychic. But I believe I could be psychic if I overcome the tendency to see only what I want to see.

I remember one day in eighth grade sitting in science class. We were drawing letters from a hat, or some other bowl or sack-like object, to see which element we would study for are element report. I was waiting my turn, and I was thinking to myself, you know, if I think real hard, I can see into the future and see what letter I'm going to draw before I draw it. So I thought real hard, and the letter H came into my head. Then I drew a letter, and it was an H.

The thing is, I had no vested interest in picking any of the letters. These days, I only try to see into the future about things that actually matter to me. There are times when feelings about things are so overwhelming I know it's more than me just believing what I want to believe. But this is rare, and even then it can be unreliable.

So I am left waiting the painfully slow wait to see if the agent likes my book. If things were a bit more fast paced, I wouldn't have to wonder so much.

The Secret to Ultimate Happiness

Throughout my life I've been riding the roller coaster of my ever-changing weight. When I was younger I was a bit on the heavy side. The way I felt about this was the same way many women (and perhaps men too) appear to feel about their weight. If I could have only lost a few pounds, I would be perfectly happy and my life would be complete. I mean, this must be true, just go to the supermarket checkout stand and look at the magazines. It's pretty obvious that weight loss is the secret to ultimate happiness.

I lost a bunch of weight when I was fourteen (good old Adderall)  and I learned that this was untrue. I was extremely thin, and sure I felt good about being thin, but I think most of it was knowing that I had something that so many people wanted: a skinny body. But I still wasn't happy with my body. I didn't want to be a stick, I wanted to have shape. I wanted a more muscular body, but I couldn't bring myself to get around to going to the gym regularly.

The weight slowly came back throughout high school, then I gained exactly 15 pounds my freshman year of college, which led to a series of attempts to lose weight. By this time I did have the discipline to work out regularly. I was moderately successful at losing weight, but not keeping it off. At one point, after I had worked hard losing 20 pounds, they changed my meds and I gained 50 pounds. But I can always lose weight when I really want to.

Last time I lost weight, it was because of a combination of running six miles everyday and abusing cough syrup. I don't recommend drinking cough syrup as a way of losing weight because the weight doesn't stay off. I got down to 130 pounds on my 5 foot 7 frame, which is actually pretty skinny. Seriously, they talk about skinny women weighing like 105 pounds. They must be extremely short, because I was 130 and I didn't need to lose another pound.

Then the weight came back. Which brings me to my point. Right now I weight about 175 pounds, which is roughly 20 pounds overweight. And I find that I don't give a fuck. Well, honestly I would lose weight if I could and it was easy, but I'm more concerned with weight training. Because I've found that I feel better about myself feeling slightly heavy but strong than I do feeling skinny and weak. Because when you are strong physically, it makes you feel like a strong, powerful person. I feel more confident, and I walk with more confidence.

And I find it odd that there are a lot of women who fear weight training because they don't want to look manly. Honestly, I don't think there is any amount of muscle that a woman can realistically build without the use of steroids that would make her look bad. It brings to mind Britney Spears. I don't know what she looks like right now, but I've seen pictures of her in the past where she was very muscular and looked good, and I would look like that if I could. And even that is unrealistic for most people, because most people don't have a career that requires them to look hot.

In conclusion, you will be happiest if you get your self-confidence from some place other than your physical appearance.