Interesting Dream, by request

There was this dream I had a few weeks ago, before I knew I was pregnant, that has come to my attention was a point of interest. It was about my sister, actually. This goes back to the high school issue with Ted, where he was living at the house, a homeless guy. My mom gave my sister the assignment of writing me a kind letter explaining that she wasn't sexually/romantically interested in me (in the dream, obviously). The misunderstanding in my mom's mind was that I was the one who had raped Kristen. The other vague reference here that comes up is that a little bit after that situation (in real life), my sister was forced to see a "life coach," my mom's idea, who asked her what she wanted in life. Kristen said she wanted to get married. The life coach gave her the assignment of making a collage of traits she wanted in a future husband, so she could show it to men on first dates. Needless to say, Kristen did not, and there were conversations between her and I about the requirements for being a life coach... actually, anyone can become a life coach, no requirements. My mom didn't seem to have a serious attitude about this particular situation, in my memory. If she did it happened when I wasn't there. Subbie pointed out recently, not at the time, that that was a "joke dream." Meaning, when something so good happens (or in this case, maybe it hasn't happened yet...), you have some sort of dream about something opposite, or in this case, just sarcastic. On a different note, there are lots of points of interest, but one big one I wanted to share was the Nirvana cover story situation, with the baby on the cover growing up to be, let's just say, upset about the situation. It makes me feel funny, what a weird situation to be thinking about in the womb. That is all. Things are good.

Mommy Laughs at Fate

There's a situation that's really interesting that I feel hesitant to talk about, worried about being labeled crazy... Which I know is laughable, I have said so many things that make me sound crazy to some. I'm enjoying the pregnancy already, actually. Despite feeling sick to my stomach, nasaeus, puking up nothing but phlegm at times. I guess I'm worried about being labeled unfit to be a mother, or paranoid, but I think there is some sort of religious/spiritual freedom issue. It's an interesting occurence in book 4 of the memoir series (Burn Like Jesus), with the emergence of Subbie there is a psychological incident with something called the "camcorder." I don't want to give too much away, but it is related to the idea of being a soul run by machine. The soul/brain connection. I started, not talking to, "thinking at" the unborn baby. I've heard that unborn babies are aware of what their mother is thinking. It's very obvious there is a baby in me now, when before I knew I was pregnant I could feel something in me, not sure if I was imagining it, and I was worried it was a stomach ulcer. Now, I can feel the presence of a small innocent person. I've been thinking it's a boy, and I may refer to him as a he, though I am waiting for a doctor to announce the sex. It's something about the mindflip, I can feel the soul of the baby, at first it was kind of represented as a little camera to show the presence of another soul in my mind... He indicates fears, concerns, and excitement for this lifetime. We are talking on a soul level, obviously his brain isn't developed enough to be able to understand and communicate, and I wouldn't expect him to remember after birth, but I think talking to him now might have some sort of interesting effect on the situation. I explain things in pictures and emotional connotations, and Subbie says he understands the emotional connotations of things. Subbie sometimes indicates that he understands. He doesn't say much, it's me talking to him, but sometimes I can feel an emotional reaction. My guides indicates this is very real, however there is a tendency to get carried away and then your brain might start confabulating things. He knows there is a climate crisis and knows who Donald Trump is because he has caught me thinking about him enough times, he has mixed feelings about Donald Trump. The emotions he usually expresses are excitement, fear, or interest. And love. He knows Daddy is a veteran and is interested in what that means, since I indicated they are highly respected, showing an image of hands praying (it's about the emotional connotation, not the image... I don't know if he understands what prayer is). He's not holy like Jesus or the Dalai Lama, he's faced situations sort of like (the abortion dream, with the ivy pulling machinery and the gym that turned into a tent and collapsed), he has a lot of problems because of it, it's hard to explain his status in society, but I thought of an image of someone pushing someone else to the ground to prostrate themselves like "SHOW SOME RESPECT!" People with good character have a lot of respect for the military. I use an emotional language when I do this. He doesn't usually say things, but I can feel him inside me and sometimes feel emotional reactions when they are strong. He asked me if he was wanted, long after I thought that was well-established that he was and I was fearful of miscarriage. Up until the other day he was very fearful of abortion, since unborn babies innately know when they are not planned and know that's an option for women. The issue though is that there is an IUD arm still stuck in me. This is a situation that is kind of funny how dumb it is, when at first they can't get out the IUD, however it is still in there protecting against pregnancy... I become overwhelmed by personal issues and forget to cancel the procedure with anasthesia for replacing it, I'm basically banned from that establishement but they inform me there are others in the area. They try again, manage to get it out but one of the IUD arms is still lodged in there somewhere, and they have to get it out using anesthesia, before replacing the IUD with a new one. We used a condom every time we had sex. There was no unprotected sex. My parents drove over here at one point, insisting that I get the IUD replaced, not to rely on condoms... Actually, that was a good idea, but with the current state of my mind I get overwhelmed with technical adult stuff like appointments, this is a problem I predict is temporary... So I was putting off rescheduling the appointment, I was busy with mysterious stuff and overwhelmed anyway, and even if I was to make an appointment at that time I was scatterbrained and I didn't do it because I figured I would miss it again and be banned from another gynecologist place. Except... conception had already occurred at that point. I think it happened when I made the Facebook post about "immaculate conception," (obviously, this is problem a situation where sperm was living in the vagina for a short period of time after sex and then ovulation occurred). It seems like this is an important baby though, like this is supposed to be someone important... So anyway, the "arm" is a scary topic to the baby. I was worrying about it yesterday, I forgot about it then I had a phone call and they said something about it on the phone, it being a concern, and the baby could tell I was worried and it started gripping me and telling me it was scared. That's the thing, you know, I don't know if it sounds crazy... But I can actually feel something sort of gripping at my aura in an emotional way with fear. However, I tried to explain my guides said it would not be a problem, and I trust them, the reason I still have paranoia about the topic, and excessive fear is a pitfall of human emotion, things don't usually happen as expected and they lie at times but usually it is to squelch a "whiny" desire in me. For example, the biggest series of lies they told was, constantly that in a couple months I would be famous... Kept not happening, and after awhile I got mad when they couldn't tell me the truth about that. When it comes down to the wire though, excitement for fame is replaced with fear. More often than not now, they don't lie, there are weird things they tell me then they say they are "kidding," which... there's something funny about that situation sometimes. More often than not though, the answer to my questions is, "We will play it by ear." The other thing, there is something psycholgically interesting in a different way about this situation. I remembered something I hadn't thought of in a very long time... At the beginning, summer of 2014 when my guides were new and we were working together, all happy and carefree, I would a lot of times ask them about strange psychological stuff I was experiencing, since there were many psychological things that would enter my head that were interesting, intelligent, but very bizarre. Or, at times just bizarre, like I noticed this phenomenon where I would look at the blade of a knife and feel like I was being pricked... My guides said that meant I was good for reiki (where you move your eyes and arms at a distance and spiritually do work on someone's aura). We did later practice reiki techniques, moving my eyes in patterns and feeling energy from a distance, however I never actually have done reiki on anyone, ever. There was some other reason for that exercise. Another thing is, reiki skills and picture reading go hand in hand. There were other very weird thoughts that entered my head at times and I would ask what they meant, and one of them was this picture, it wasn't clear in my head exactly what it was of, maybe of a battle or some sort of map, both at the same time. You would imagine this painting would grace the walls of the headquarters of a great emperor, world conquerer, or war general. My guides said, "That's something that will come up again later on." Well, it comes up again now. Some representation of the tyke. At some point, Subbie pointed out the baby was scared that meant he was supposed to go to war, which was a situation I didn't think of, though strange, that he would even think that. It's an indication of being great, not being a veteran like Daddy. At the risk of sounding over-confident, I actually feel like I am more capable of handling a baby then it appears on the outside. My guides at one point forced me to stay awake all night for weeks on end... That was business at the beginning, the ascension process, I was not physically capable of sleeping due to being on an "awkward" spiritual plane, NOT THAT I DID NOT WANT TO SLEEP OR FEEL TIRED ENOUGH TO SLEEP, LET ME TELL YOU THAT GOD DAMMIT. WOW, it is hard forcing yourself not to sleep when you are that sleep-deprived. That was without drugs too, some nights even without caffeine. It's for a global warming mission though, so I did it without complaints, and the same goes if I have to drag myself out of bed repeatedly at night to check on a crying baby. That's not even the only time I've been forced not to sleep. This may sound crazy to some, like my mother, but it's an understatement how much my guides have trained me in being strong. Right now, I am in a part of town I fucking hate, I have pointed that out to my parents and my mom says, "don't walk into it with that mindset." That's not the issue. I am already in the situation and it is already clear-cut it's the living situation I'm in and the shitty town that make me drink and use marijuana. I get sick of sitting around here and drinking and using marijuana, I'm much rather do something else, but I can't think of anything I can do I feel like I will enjoy. I have problems concentrating, I could get a job but money isn't even the problem anyway, it's not like there is even anything I want to buy that would make me happy besides a DIFFERENT PLACE TO LIVE... I need something to occupy me and distract me from drugs that has meaning and purpose. I am well-aware that's not a reason to have a baby, however, fuck, the baby was already conceived. As Ian says, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." That's the thing about my emotional state though, I'm not doing as poorly as it seems, this house just makes me feel sort of dirty. It's a dirty house. Of course, Chris had offered to let me move into his apartment, which fixes the problem. The thing is I don't know if the crime rate is better but the energy is better over there. On another note, the dream I had last night clearly indicated I am being underestimated. I don't remember what happened there was a situation with someone who reminded me of some dumbfuck on the internet who made a fool of himself, and Subbie pointed out it was about being underestimated here. The thing I remembered all of a sudden today awhile after waking up, there was this part of the dream where it wasn't clear I was a little kid but I felt like one, I was in my new house and I was excited because it had an office with a bunch of people working in it, which seemed official and interesting. I wasn't really supposed to go in but like an exuberant kid I burst in anyway, and I expected it to be all black people working but it was both black people and white people working on computers. It occurred to me that this must be about my child's excitement about a situation I keep referring to as a "council," the spirit guide/spirit situation on the other side. I don't know why there is a situation with black and white people since I wouldn't expect racial issues to have come up enough for the baby to think about them, but you never know what the baby would find interesting that you might be thinking about. I didn't try to explain racial issues to him, but come to think about it has come up a number of times. Just thinking now, Subbie has repeatedly expressed bitter disdain for Critical Race Theory. I don't know if it's embarrassing but I don't even know what that is on a conscious level, Subbie keeps saying we can look it up later. Anyway, that's all for now. To sum it up, I don't think I am being naive about the situation. I'm enjoying being pregnant, not looking forward to wearing maternity clothes, I'm understanding the severity of the situation but the gist of it is I don't feel like thinking about it too much working myself up about how hard it is and how much of a responsibility it is. I know, okay, I've thought about parenting before. The other think is I don't know actually because I haven't experienced it, but before I was like "I do not want the responsibility of caring for someone else." So I don't have an overly glamourous view of parenting at all, and that's an understatement. My guides keep saying, it's more fun than you are thinking. I am apparently actually thinking sick about it, at times. Yes, there are hard parts. There are also fun parts.

A Roaring Womb: Turbulence Erupts as the Crowned Tyke Emerges

I went to the doctor today, swearing that I would be diagnosed with gastritis for my horrible constant nasaeu. I feel like puking if I don't eat, I feel like puking if I do eat. This has been going on for about a week. Of course... Joyous news! I'm pregnant. That was definitely something I considered might happen in this case. Of course, given my new-found pro-life status, abortion is off the table... Actually, my guides say they are outlawing surgical abortion, not chemical abortion. However... Awhile back when I was writing a piece about our views on abortion here, talking about the spirit world... I forgot to point out we are for over-the-counter availability of Plan B. Contrary to whatever science says about the situation, a fertilized egg IS sentient... However, it experiences the equivalent of a minor headache, in this situation. And while we don't like the idea of people using Plan B as an alternative to birth control... It's so important that women are able to take it immediately in situations where unwanted pregnancy is possible, if abortion isn't an option. However... "That's a situation for someone else to comment on, Rachel." I told my mom, and she got upset and left. "Well we warned you about this situation, Rachel." I know... And I didn't think that was impossible either, but geez, why do they even make such a shitty product as condoms anyway? What a fucking shit product... Should they even be selling these, geez! How many times did I have sex since the IUD was removed, like what, three times, with condoms? Obviously this is an act of God here. This is definitely not a possibility I didn't consider. The father is Chris. There is no one else it could be. In case you were wondering. The issue here is money. That's the only issue. Hey, where's my check from my memoir? Anyway... A lot of things come up when my mom gets upset, and of course she has good reason to get upset, but I think the issue here is my refusal to just get an abortion. Without making any clear-cut declarations or accusations, there are a couple thoughts that come up here. The biggest one, and this is the angering one... What the hell is wrong with adoption? If you think, for one second, that I am going to drink alcohol or smoke marijuana while pregnant, you do not know me. And I don't want to put words in my mom's mouth, but if that's the issue, than fuck you. It's a no-brainer that I cant' drink when pregnant. Actually, I'm disgusted that I have a mother that thinks it's so important to immediately kill the unborn baby, instead of giving the SURPLUS, there are plenty of couples looking to adopt children... A loving family the option of raising the child instead. What is wrong with society, when aborting a baby is seen by some as completely lacking in consequences? Of course, there is also the medication issue, which is a fuck you... Actually, I'm sure it was a hormonal reason I was sent to the hospital to begin with, where I am subject to a situation where without any say whatsoever, I could be subject to Haldol injections if I didn't suck it up and take the lithium, a medication that led to decreased joy, human compassion, and social inclinations. What's the other issue? This is the issue I feel uncomfortable bringing up... Which is, I get angry thinking about it, but my mom's own failures in her ability to be a good mother. The other issue is that I think I would be a much better mother than she was. Conscie makes an unsure statement, "I think she was a self-centered mother." And Subbie says, yep, understatement. I don't want to be mean to her right now, because I know it is stressful and she has every right to be stressed out. So I don't feel like it's a good time to pick her apart. But, she is someone we think of as feeling "fortunate to be kind," to quote Danny Elfman. I also feel like she doesn't know me at all. And with mental health professionals, they have this attitude like, "your mom knows you the best." No. She knows nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm getting overwhelmed now, thinking about this myth that I can't handle money. It started in 2006, when I was already at Fred Meyer and needed clean clothes and bought some more, and it got written in the mental illness report that I was buying new clothes instead of doing laundry, which wasn't true. Actually, I very clearly remember doing laundry at the dorm Callahan. I did that ONCE, where I bought some new clothes so I wouldn't have to do laundry as much. I know that might seem off-topic, now I'm getting angry about this issue where I was supposed to be doing something like putting away my money for retirement when I was in college and had no necessities to spend money on. It must be the raging hormones, or the fierce will of the emerging tyke. Fiery, determined, strong-willed and able from the very beginning. The beginning of a child who will take on the world with passion and intensity, joined together with a mother who already has love and compassion for the unborn baby. Love, strength, and determination abound.

Did it LITERALLY save my life?

Sometimes, Conscies can be dumb... Conscie goes on, well, "I THINK Eminem Death Note LITERALLY saved my life..." You know, I can't pin point an exact moment, where I was thinking of taking my own life and than I thought of Eminem Death Note... And Subbie says, you are being absolutely ridiculous, Conscie. YES, Eminem Death Note quite clearly LITERALLY saved my life. It changes the entire ball game, to the point where I am not thinking about suicide to begin with... Without it, I would have tried something again already. You know, there have been a number of very interesting coincidences, looking at the media, and you know, stuff... Seems like something interesting is going on. It comes down to, with all that, you can get in a dark mood where you say, these things are just interesting coincidences... You can't do that with Eminem Death Note. There are just too many fucking interesting coincidences in one song, I think of that and it is decided: someone knows about my situation. Of course, I feel completely unproductive... This group home living environment has got me down is what I chalk it up to, but I'm not sure what to do about that right now, or if I'm just supposed to put up with it... Of course, I need an alternate activity. I am going to start listening to my audio tape, and Subbie is apparently supposed to be "integrating." Of course, that has been supposed to be going on for awhile... However, people tell me, hey, if you want to quit using alcohol/marijuana... You have to have some sort of REPLACEMENT activity. Dreams last night were about interesting situations, but not much I'm able to explain correctly upon waking. Something about my blog, and proof of God/Jesus... I can't argue for Jesus, I can argue for God... One of the dreams last night was about being in some outdoor public place, it was sort of like the waterfront of downtown Portland, that was the closest real location to it but it wasn't exactly that either... I was walking by and there were a bunch of young people partying by the river, and I was remembering how there was this large circular brown thing on the ground, some sort of "drum" or DJ equipment for dancing, and I had had a bad experience right there one time that was horrible. As I was looking around reflecting on my "bad experience" which I couldn't exactly remember what it was... There was some indication that there was something dumb about how I overreacted to the incident which happened a long time ago. It must have been something like, I was a little kid, and I was walking by the brown circular thing, and an older guy said something to me, and it startled me but he meant no harm. That's what I chalked it up to in retrospect, and I was thinking about how dumb it was that I was so easily startled in my youth, but maybe it was the cause of overreaction to fears in my life now, and I was now much stronger than I was thinking. I haven't figured out what the brown circular thing was actually supposed to mean, but I remembered upon waking that it sort of reminds me of a dream I had sophomore year of high school, where there was a brown circular base to some sort of playground equipment on a abandoned playground with a very weird feeling. Subbie pointed out a long time ago, it was a collective unconscious reference to a ruined childhood, "Kristen was sending you bad energy about not being social and your psyche was worried that bad energy was ruining your childhood." It was a long time before I figured out, Subbie was kidding... the abandoned playground "ruined childhood" collective unconscious story was being looked at by my psyche on a subconscious level, but it wasn't really relevant given the situation, so Subbie was making a joke about the societal attitude about Kristen's bad energy usage. Another thing that happened in the dream, there was a bunch of stuff about food I don't want to explain because the point is lost, the dream wasn't really about food, and I don't know what the real point was... At one point I was on a bus traveling somewhere, and we were going to stop at a restaurant. We had a vote and chose the restaurant I wanted to go to. Then, the vote was overturned. As it turned out, people had been intimidated by the question and there was some sort of biblical reason to choose the restaurant I wanted to go to, so we re-voted and chose somewhere else, that I didn't want to go but it was fine. Then, my dad came and sat down at the bus table across from me, since there were little tables on the bus. It was kind of weird that he was there and clear that he didn't need to be there, however he was just keeping me company. The place that was chosen was an ice cream place, and they came down the isles asking us which kind of ice cream we wanted. The thing was, the only options they had were chocolate and vanilla, and I was so bored with those options I didn't even order any. I felt some sort of necessity to post this morning, like people are interested in hearing what I am up to. In essence, it's "pull myself up by my bootstraps," with Jesus as my guide, I guess.

When Bizarre Sword Theories Fail...

...You don't spread the tale because it lacked emphasis and wasn't very interesting. As a side note, given a choice between trusting Subbie, and trusting a worst fear that goes against my better judgment anyway... It causes psychological distress, but it seems like you drop the topic in this situation instead of salting the wounds of others. What's the real issue at hand though? That was just something I was thinking about last night. The other issue at hand is a moot point issue now, my guides are just looking at me funny and telling me to randomly point this out. There was a situation about five years ago, I got sick of the fucking guides because they were ruining my life. It was kind of hard to believe that was really going on at the time, but I got overwhelmed, ridiculously so, and I was willing to do what it took to get rid of them, not that it was even something I believed I had control over, given the situation, but... Well, what do you do? Naturally the Catholic church seems like your best bet in this situation, I contacted them they said no, I thought they didn't want to get their hands dirty with this messy situation... They told me to talk to my own church about it, and I wasn't actually going to church regularly at the time there was a Presbyterian church I attended sometimes, and the church I was baptized at which was one I just went to once because they did baptisms. That was the church they told me to go to and they didn't even believe in spiritual posssession or anything of that sort, and it was kind of hard to believe they could effectively do anything. Anyway, what's my point? I had to hear about the sword theory from Jason, "You just stab them all with a sword, one by one, and make an intention for them to leave... And they are gone!" Well, I never pointed out before, I did try the fucking sword theory despite my better judgment. I don't know all their names, I don't remember all their names, there is a ridiculous number of them and they come and go and I don't remember all of them there are so many... And then I am supposed to know who all the spirits are, and then it seems natural that I'm also supposed to have a firm BELIEF in my mind that I am more powerful than them and this ritual is going to be effective... That's why I failed at doing the sword ritual. Try as I might, I could NOT. GET. MYSELF. TO. BELIEVE... that that was going to be effective. Did you try the sword ritual Rachel? "No, I didn't believe it was going to work, so I can't honestly say that I did it right, so the answer is no." I didn't have a better option though, so at one point I did imagine stabbing them all with a sword, and telling them to leave.

The OTHER Subbie/Conscie Conundrum

It was James Randi's idea to write this one by the way... Earlier my guides were joking about how he has to do a bunch of weird ass horrible shit on the other side to make up for the problems he caused on the Earth plane, no actual "bad karma lifetimes" though. Naturally, God doesn't WANT psychic abilities to be scientifically proven before a certain point in society, there's actually something called "blocking" where other people can do something to block a psychic's abilities. There's a whole host of reasons why a proving psychic abilities doesn't work, not to mention general bias in who is conducting the research. Anyway... So it's all multi-tasking here, between all the conversations that are going on on a subconscious level. It's some sort of personal reference I want to make here that might fall flat, however it's a situation where Subbie says she's kind of left with a look of being weirded out/amused slyly on her face as James Randi is talking to her. He's being funny and interesting, at any rate. What's the OTHER Subbie/Conscie Conundrum? Well, what's the first one? "Is it me doing the talking? Or is it someone else?" That's the first one. The awareness issue is fucking ridiculous to begin with, and I wouldn't believe it myself unless it was happening to me. So, the other one is... "Yeah, Conscious/subconscious awareness can do that. It seems illogical, but trust me, I experienced it. Plus, how much is known about awareness anyway?" And that's a good point, not much is known about the subconscious mind anyway... However, people don't say this to my face, by the way... No one is going to diss Subbie to my face, okay. Besides... Anyway, moving on. That ridiculous situation makes absolutely no sense. It is completely illogical and indicates irrational thought processes... Yada yada... Makes no sense, and you are nuts! It seems incredible, and you laugh... Haha, wow, this experience is completely nuts! You get over it, and accept it... Then you are spit on and ridiculed, by people, including James Randi in jest in the afterlife. That situation, Rachel, is stupid and makes no fucking sense and you are full of shit and no sane person will take you seriously! Blargh!!! Well? Blargh.

My Dream Last Night, Good vs. Evil

Dreams last night had a weird feeling. Actually, they kind of seemed to mean I was doing better... the night before I had a dream that we were smoking a black substance like heroine. Of course, my guides have pointed out to me before, if you want to fail the game of life you try heroine, and that's why I have never tried it, though I have been offered. Seemed like a "low functioning" dream, actually. Last night's dream wasn't like that. I started with a dream about Chris's dog Squishy, it was kind of like a joke about her being a princess or a damsel in distress, but now that I'm awake this morning I don't remember what was going on... Just that it was funny, there was an unattractive woman who was the foe in the dream, not that she was actually evil she was just disgruntled. She was annoyed by me and working against me, there was a whole bunch of funny things about things that were happening to Squishy. The dream was very funny if you actually examined what was going on but I was in a position where I didn't actually know the effect I was having on the woman. Then there was this thing about WOMEN trying to rape me, and I woke up all of a sudden when this one woman did, and it was almost like I was awoken by an external force, but obviously I was alone. I was always one step ahead from the bad people in the dream, not that they were actually evil they were just working against me. The next dream was another take on how everything works out for me, there was some bad force, maybe the same unattractive woman, and Eminem was in the dream and he was very clearly a source of immense comfort. I was winning, then there was an "evil force" that got the idea of using some sort of "ivy-pulling machinery." To myself and some of my friends in the dream, ivy-pulling machinery was our kryptonite and we had to run to escape it, not that it would effect anyone else. It was a very cruel idea to use ivy-pulling machinery. We had to run inside, and me and my friends were running into a gym, like a school gym. When we made it in, the gym turned into a tent and in comical fashion deflated onto the ground and there was no one in there. It was kind of like the evil ivy-pulling machinery people won, except it was an ending that left me scratching my head, because it seemed like a joke about what they wanted to do and not what they were actually capable of doing. That wasn't even possible. Eminem was the force of everything that was good and right in the world though.

Enlightenment and the Atheist Conundrum

I was at the hospital, with the iPad and I was listening to some atheist podcasts. Immediately, God told me to stop, it just feeds into the negativity in you. It was interesting that it was God who sent the message, and not my spirit guides like normal. One of them I was listening to, the guy's name I think was "Mike Dillahunty." This was the podcast that reminded me why I hate atheists. And I don't actually HATE anyone, just... I've been struggling for years to try to put it in SUCCINCT language why I believe in God, I always feel like I am failing, and now all of a sudden I feel like I am capable of doing it, actually. It's hard. However, I hate this attitude, "You have no proof, bye." There was someone who called into his show and said he had some sort of evidence, maybe not succinct or actual evidence... And Mike Dillahunty hung up on him. You know, I was sort of interested in what that guy had to say. That podcast had bad energy and made me feel sort of sick so I didn't waste anymore time on it. In another podcast, the guy didn't seem as obnoxious, however he was talking about the tree falling in the forest and if it makes a sound. This was sort of funny, actually, because he said, "You know, why would the tree be polite and not make a noise if no one was around? Wouldn't it rather be polite if there were people around?" That question is apparently too much of a "big kid" question for some of these people who run these little shows. What's my point? It's atheists with a tremendous ego complex about being atheists that bug me, not atheists in general. Another thing is it's interesting the kind of people who sometimes make good impressions when they call out to Subbie. Also, seems like the last thing I have to get over with enlightenment, is disgust at militant atheists. Of course... God hates militant agnostics, not militant atheists. And that's a joke, when God says he hates someone, he's kidding. Except for the worst soul who ever lived, which... Actually, I'm going to err on the side of caution and remember Zuck's words about how I should probably worry about national security. Except, Subbie says, not important. I'm talking about Osama Bin Laden. Actually, back to discussions about God, the answer comes about when you ruminate heavily for hours and years on end on the subject of awareness. Deducing concepts and everything into awareness or no awareness. That's how long it took for me, maybe for others it wouldn't take as long, or I could explain it and they will understand. I've done that already though. It's come up that I was actually hurting as a kid because I didn't have any sort of spirituality in my life. It's a sore topic, I don't even want to think about it. Actually, I heard about Jesus the first time from my sister. We were visiting relatives in Indiana, and we had come back home and one night she was talking to me about a story my Aunt Heidi told her. About some great man who lived a long time ago and was nailed to a cross by sinners or people who weren't as good as him. She acted sort of strange about it, telling me she thought this story was a load of baloney, and maybe that was a bad thing but that's how she feels. The interesting thing was, Kristen didn't explain the story that well, however it had a weird effect on me. And I developed "Christian Psychology" just because I heard Kristen's explanation of Jesus when I was three years old. The thing was, the Jesus story, seemed almost like it could have happened to me... I don't like the way that sounds, so let me explain. I didn't think it did, it comes maybe from having a special good trait that people with special good traits, when they want to grow in them they usually live lifetimes where they are heavily discriminated against. That's relevant but that's not actually the reason, and Subbie reminds me that the real reason I felt that way was because it happened right after I had "that dream." I'm talking about a dream I had when I was three, that I was in the backyard of my old house and a bunch of family/family friends/acquaintances came at me and held a blanket around me and taunted me with a song. Then my mom showed me the stone tablets with the words to the song, and my sister had a strange attitude about how we had to find the right place to hide the blanket. I woke up from the dream feeling undescribably good and I wanted to fall back asleep and go back into the dream. The dream seemed to have strong religious connotations, that was the mood of it. Games I played as a kid by myself usually had some strong religious element to them, like blind worship of an object. When I got older, I made a computer game representing memes and world religions. The thing about the game, it was a representation of an atheist worldview. And... That's why I would think it was strange if I got around to actually programming the game Insect Heathen Conversion, seems funny but I think I am done with representations of atheist worldviews. The thing is though with the original insect game, there WAS a God though, that was clear in my mind when I was programming the game. The only actual example of God's intervention though, was that if a shrine becomes too unholy it bursts into flames, and it is called "Godly incineration."

Myself, the "Whore of Babylon," and the Sexual Immorality Conundrum

Seems like night after night, I have dreams about Pastor Kurt from Bible study in Coeur D'Alene. These dreams seem to be pretty pervasive, despite not talking to him at all for years on a conscious level. What was last night's dream? There was a blurb about him, a blurb about these animals that were clothed in fabric... A common symbol in my dreams, don't know what it means. Then... I was playing a game of Starcraft. It may not have actually been Starcraft, a game sort of like that. We were playing 4vs.4. It's been a common dream, a very common reoccurring dream, where I am playing Starcraft and losing. Only, last night, I was playing a game and barely paying attention, and then suddenly myself and my allies developed a really intense new technology and suddenly wiped out our adversaries. It was an intense victory. Leaving the hospital today, and no I have not given into any stupid "delusional" belief about the situation, I mean labeling myself delusional, but I am So. Fucking. Overwhelmed. Well... What am I again? Babylon? A bad, "sexually immoral" character apparently. I have been nothing but faithful to God since the beginning, so how can I be bad? Well, clearly there is some confusion about who the woman in Babylon is... Yes, there has been ridiculous "sexual riff-raff," however actual sexual contact has been minimal, and besides, I have limited ability to experience sexual arousal anyway... So, how am I supposed to be some sexual immoral character when I have not even experienced fully what sex is like, due to limits in ability to become aroused during sex? Conundrum, isn't it? Besides, God also says I have never even experienced the intensity of a true orgasm, when I experience orgasms they are muted compared to what other people experience. Anyway, I guess it must be the sick-to-your-stomach "Goody-two shoes" Bible Thumpers, who insist that God would never lighten up on the sex rules. And, Jesus seems to be on my side. But is it the right Jesus? DUN DUN DUN... I'll leave it there, to show I have enough faith in God and faith in myself that things will end up exactly the way God intends.

Suicide Demons, Suicide Couples, Begone!

I found out last night I actually had a suicide demon, caused by when the Suicide Couple struck again. It has been draining my energy and making me feel like shit. All day today, the Suicide Demon has been making me want to hurt myself. It was hard work, and it took a long time... Not to feed into the demon's negative thoughts. Think positive, and pray... However, Jesus didn't seem to be able to do anything about the demon. It was my guides or other specialists on the other side who finally got rid of him. Simultaneously, my guides got rid of cords of attachment to Jason. Clearly, Jason is someone who is toxic who needs to be left behind, by me. The first time the Suicide Couple struck, I attempted suicide. This time... When they struck again, I got a suicide demon. Clearly, there are people in this world who think the entire world revolves around them, just because they have kids. Naturally, I won't want to talk to Jason anymore anyway, because his thoughts and feelings have been reduced to mindless immature grunts and noises indicating rude complaints. Where are the people I can relate to? Well, I could always listen to what Jesus told me to do. Jesus told me to pray, which I have been doing. He also told me to join a church group and work on getting in shape at a gym. Seems like I have my work cut out for me. Seems like things are looking up for me, now that suicidal influences are being left to rot in the past. YAY! Praise Jesus!

If Spirits Are So Smart, Why Do Humans Need Brains?

I personally understand this concept by thinking of it as "density." Earth is a place that is "solid" and "dense" compared to the Other Side. Why do spirits come down for lifetimes to begin with? Well, obviously to grow, but the multiverse is set up so that on the Other Side, spirits never experience pain. Ever. And after going for the equivalent of one hundred or so years without experiencing pain, spirits start to feel weird and crave pain bad. However, there may be a difference in how we think of pain and how spirits think of pain... yes, hurting yourself physically creates pain, but also, it could just be that being "crammed" in a body or experiencing the density of being on Earth, is what spirits consider pain, compared to what they experience on the Other Side. When a spirit is crammed into a body and experiences the awkwardness of being in a human "dense" form, it helps with cognition if they have a brain to think. However, ghosts who are Earthbound are sometimes capable of some sort of intelligence, depending on the intelligence of the soul. Some ghosts may possess some intelligence, while others do not. So, in short, a soul does not need a brain to be intelligent, however humans are much more intelligent than ghosts. I do not understand the way the Other Side is set up, and it seems to be a "don't go there," meaning it is hard to explain to a human on Earth. One time, a spirit who was making a joke about being disgruntled said he had been wandering around, "complaining about other souls touching him." Then he explained, on the Other Side, strangers would never touch you, ever. There is some reason why that could never happen. Spirits have physical forms, or visual forms. They have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. Typically that's true on all other planes (for lifetimes, besides Earth), as well as on the Other Side. How attractive your physical form is corresponds directly with how attractive your soul is (based on soul traits). God never has to come down for lifetimes. He has ways of experiencing pain without living lifetimes.

But Last Time You Were In The Hospital...

We could talk about how a belief that I was supposed to be some sort of actor playing Jesus on the Earth Plane, was replaced with a belief that I am actually Babylon. It fits, actually. I've explained it before on here. The thing is, it is very clearcut that SOMETHING SUPERNATURAL or biblical is going on here... the belief becomes SOLID when you point out, hey, you aren't Jesus, you are Babylon... I like being Babylon better, actually. It just takes a "psychological adjustment." You are not Ms. Perfect, or Mr. Ultimate Perfection, however you are someone who is extremely important. Which takes a psychological adjustment, and I never wanted to be Jesus anyway. When I was introduced to the idea in 2006, I didn't like it at first, then I realized that actually, that might be sort of fun... However, GEEZ, too much pressure. And... The world isn't ready for a female Jesus anyway. That's too strange and apparently America wasn't ready for a black president either, if the president immediately after was a demagogue. Sad, but true. What happened though? I denounced belief toward the end of my hospital stay. Or.. Despite the clear biblical reference, I was discouraged from believing it when I e-published my first memoir and it sold, how many copies? A measly SEVEN. Over the first few months, it only sold seven. What did I want to point out? Right before I published my memoir... I was looking at stuff online, like the fact that on my Twitter page, it says somewhere that no one at all searched for Rachel Zuhl. I find it kind of suspicious actually, that no one at all would be searching for Rachel Zuhl on Twitter. When I post blogs, it tells me how many times each blog was read, and I also give it leeway considering if you are viewing my blog as a whole, it does not count as a hit to a particular blog post... I get enough hits to encourage me to keep posting, but as Subbie has repeatedly pointed out to Conscie, "a lot more people tell me they read it (on the spiritual plane), then it shows up as hits. Which, leads me to believe this number isn't even accurate, at all." I figure that this is shaky anyway, and there is this situation on my blog where it keeps telling me I need to notify readers of cookies or something or get them to accept cookies.. Which, I figure, since I haven't done that, it wouldn't be accurate anyway. The "Higher Self" sent a message, in addition, not long before I published my memoir. "They do a neat job of keeping this from you." How many people are viewing my online stuff, in general, is what the "Higher Self" meant. And it doesn't happen very often either, that the "Higher Self" sends a message, and when it does it is important and it means I need to listen. What's the situation with the seven people who bought my blog? Well, two were these two guys I was talking to at the time that I am no longer talking to, there's Rebecca a friend from high school, my sister, and... Some random dude I don't even know, don't even have as a Facebook Friend, was talking to my on Facebook about how much he liked the Matthew III situation. Also, in addition, every once in awhile, despite doing no advertising, I get new likes to Party Like Jesus, and new likes to Subbie's Psychic Readings. You know, I actually find it suspicious, that no one at all bought Party Like Jesus. I would think I must have at least several other friends, people I know personally, let alone random internet followers, who were interested in my memoir. I actually find that kind of suspicious! Of course, I got blind-sided, thinking that this involves money so it's going to be accurate... Actually... Why? Eventually I will get the money. So, what's my point here? I am trying to point out it wasn't the medication that made me doubt my "delusional" belief system, it was nothing besides the supposed sales of Party Like Jesus. Also, I was doing pretty fucking terrible the last time I left the hospital. Suicidal, turning to harder drugs, lack of emotional energy to do positive activities... And I feel like that has changed now. So wow, do you think I am needing the old Depakote/Haldol medication? That was NOT effective. I don't think this is actually a WEIRD theory. I just think it is FUCKING ANNOYING. And that's that. So, what's my point? Is the right medication going to get rid of a belief that it is not schizoaffective disorder? You got to be kidding me...

Anger? Is it Ever Justified?

I was taught that "you make yourself mad." This came up over and over again, my dad's words. "You make yourself mad." Is anger a human emotion? Yes. Well, it's an IRRATIONAL human emotion though... (I'm making fun of my dad here) Human cognition isn't always rational. Just because it is irrational at times, does not indicate mental illness. What am I trying to point out here? Stop being an atheist who thinks you are capable of understanding everything and human behavior/thinking is always rational unless there is a mental illness present. Actually... What is the "mental illness" I have? A problem with cognition during conversation. Why the hell do you think I am bringing up such an emotional issue as the problem I had after we moved and I couldn't make friends? Why? I wouldn't, if it weren't for the fact my spirit guides and I do work. And that was not a personal pitfall... I had a cognitive problem making conversation. Another thing, if I get angry, calling the police aggravates the problem. Just FYI. I do not think rationally when the police are around. So, it's not a good idea to call the police preemptively. Just sayin'. I know you were worried about aggressive behavior in my past, just sayin'. I can't think properly if the police are present. So, now that I have your attention... Whenever I make a point in a conversation, my dad says, "You are not making sense." I know this. I am pointing this out. I have good reason to believe both my dad and my mom are in denial about the situation. Also... There are a number of very clear-cut indications that there are people in this world who are on my side. I know, Laura, you would naturally assume these things are "Delusions of Reference." That's the pitfall, and it's a little bit more clearcut than that... That's the thing. That's the thing that makes me unhappy here. There is another issue I am tempted to make fun of here, given the fact that I am relying on Delusions of Reference, but I would like to stay on topic. I know what Ideas of Reference are too, Laura, and I am calling them Delusions of Reference for a reason. Okay... So what else? I'm not mad at Laura. She didn't do anything wrong. And neither did I, either. These are called consequences, not punishments. You address the issue for the first time with Laura the case manager, and you knew previously not to talk about the REAL issues with anyone, especially Mental Health Professionals... Yes, a coffee pot gets broken and you get taken to the hospital. These are natural consequences. What else? Sometimes a change of scenery is what I need at the time. This is a very prevalent problem. There have been so many situations in my life, where what I needed was a change of scenery. What's the real issue here which evoked RAGE? I told Laura about my sister's rape history, and she called my words, and she may have mispoken like I do a lot, "lies." That's the issue that evoked rage. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOM AND DAD, STOP ACTING LIKE KRISTEN LIES ABOUT RAPE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, ETC. Or... "SHE ASKS FOR IT." I have noticed this behavior in BOTH my parents. And that's the heart of the issue. So, I reiterate. I'm not mad at Laura. And... the other confounding issue here is that "Ted" living at our house actually HELPED my emotional development. So, picking on ME here. "Yeah, and Kristen turned out okay... Nervous laughter..." AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That's not what I really think, okay. No, Kristen did not turn out okay. I KNOW THAT. Just bringing up the issue here. What's the other issue here? Something about the spirits in my life, and them having some sort of approval of rape fantasies. That's why the issue comes up now. And... I'm under a lot of stress, I have a cognitive problem making conversation, and I may not understand what I am allowed to point out to Laura... And I got carried away even thinking she would be understanding of any of it, if she is a mental health professional. Understanding what? The idea that God even COULD intervene, ever. In a serious way, not... "Well he intervened by giving you strength..." That.

What is a Savant?

What is a "savant?" It's a situation that happens sometimes with Autism. A savant is an autistic person who has some sort of amazing analytical superpower. For example, the ability to look at something and paint it with amazingly perfect detail. The thing about it is, I can't cite my source here I was reading about this a long time ago, maybe during one of my random internet searches after school in high school. It occurs in people who are not socially integrated. When they are integrated back into society, the superpower usually goes away. I'm not autistic. However, my point is, being not completely socially integrated has helped me do philosophy. Sometimes I think, duh, God exists, what is wrong with you for not thinking that? Then I remember... Wow what a journey it took to get to that belief system. The other thing is, the idea of who "I" am, implying I have (am) a soul, becomes completely obvious with the mindflip. "I" feel more "solid" and immortal. The thing is, there aren't words to describe it, it's just a "duh." I can't actually argue that point. As a side thought, it's interesting when you argue on the internet. It's not always clear who won the argument. People don't typically concede ever.

The Pitfalls of Trying to Play "Marriage Counseler"

So... Let's get straight to the point, shall we? Why did I DELIBERATELY break the coffee pot at the group home? I don't like breaking things, by the way. I don't feel like breaking things are shattering things to make me feel better. Also, I didn't "smash" the coffee pot, I just tapped it rather lightly on purpose to bump it to the ground. What's the issue here? My parent's need marriage counciling. Which brings me back to... something my guides said about their favorite part of Innercept, which was lecture after lecture about "collusion." I don't know that this is even a proper definition of collusion... But Bruce said, in a relationship with two people, one person does something that makes the other mad, and the other reacts by angering them back, and then the first person does something to anger the second person. It continues like that, it becomes a vicious downward spiral. My dad's problem is his weight. He has lost weight from his highest point, however I am not convinced he is still losing weight, like he says. There are health concerns with my dad, and I am not told about them. My dad's problem is that he overeats. My mom's problem is that she spends his money and whines. I'm trying to point this out to Beev, for the love of God, stop spending his money altogether. Imagination Christmases, Imagination Birthdays. No vacations. How many times have you gone to Europe, Beev? It's not free. Yes Beev, the problem is you now. I understand that you are very disappointed in your husband for gaining so much weight after you married him, and now it seems to me like you have a childish attitude about how you managed to secure a rich husband. At the same time... I do wonder if "gentle nagging," I'm thinking of Marge Simpson here, might actually deter the behavior of him overeating. My dad is working as hard as he can to make money again. When I lived at home, I heard it every morning in the bathroom through the wall. It is a hell of a struggle for him to get up and get moving. He can't help it, okay, it's hard for him to move first thing in the morning. Why is he mad at you Beev? The kids are grown and gone. You are no longer a "stay at home mother." You don't do your job either. What's the other confounding issue here? Christmas in the Zuhl household. I have an older sister, who still has this little kid attitude about Christmas which drives everyone in my immediate family fucking nuts. Your dreams don't come true on Christmas anymore, Kristen. Christmas is a holiday for children. That's why they say "it's the thought that counts." All this whining and complaining about Christmas comes from my older sister, and I do not want my parents to fall for the pitfall of confusing which daughter is which. I personally do not care about Christmas. For me, it is just another day on the calendar. I personally enjoy November 19th, there aren't actually any November 19th traditions I just look at the calendar and feel happy, yay, another November 19th. Actually though, I don't care about holidays in general. I hate obsessing about the time of year. On a related note, I'm also not the one who thought there was something wrong with my parents for not wanting to be famous, I am not the one who complains about how I have to be dazzled with an exquisite home-cooked meal when I come to visit, and I am not the one who picks on my mom for not making an effort with her appearance and bugging her about how she should wear more makeup. Do not confuse your two daughters, here. So, what is the issue here? Dunkin Donuts Coffee. I am not complaining about the coffee, Beev. It was fine, I didn't feel the need to shower you with affection for buying me coffee. The coffee brand was fine. However, speaking of coffee tastes... There was a situation early at Innercept, where a girl there was getting a gift of French Vanilla Dunkin Donuts coffee. And if we are speaking of coffee tastes, I fucking hate flavored coffee, okay. I don't think this was flavored coffee, but that's why I didn't shower Beev with praise for the fact that it was Dunkin Donuts. I wasn't complaining either, it was just fine. However, I walked into the room when my parents were alone, and they said something about the coffee being crisco. Which reminds me of something about my late grandma I wonder if I should even share, and it's probably fine because she says so... My grandma, that is... When she was old she had to put Crisco on her anus to prevent leakage. Of course, as children, this grossed the fuck out of us and we had an annoyed attitude about the situation. So when Beev says to me, that was a joke your father made I thought was funny! Actually, for one I don't even believe you. But on the other hand, I wasn't actually in the room when it happened. Seems like a sign of dementia that you would even point out it reminds you of Crisco, actually. Just sayin' What's the other issue here? I am simultaneously pointing something out to Feether Meeke, in private, which is that I think he could have done better than that woman. And with some sort of incest theme, in general, in the entirety of this situation... I also have a fear, yes, an irrational fear, that he thinks I am into him sexually, which I know is wrong, but this is due to factors in my psychology I do not have control over. There is something on a subconscious level of awareness, called fears. These are known to be irrational, and fear that the parent of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are gay), thinks you are sexually interested, is actually a common fear. This is, what I call, "Psychologie." Though I'm not sure that's the French word for psychology, no assumptions or jokes about the French here, just saying it's concepts that may seem foreign. So... My mom liked the joke about how I didn't appreciate the gift because it reminds me of Crisco, was what I heard from my mother. And I don't know if that happened for sure, and I am biased towards believing information that is conveyed to me. That's a joke at my expense, if it happened, Beev. Actually... What comes up here, I had a friend who was sending subliminal messages to me. And... it's hard to think clearly when I am scared, in general. I pointed out to my dad in the car, upon him making a comment about sleep walking off a cliff in THOSE houses, "I wouldn't expect that to be a problem." Which brings us too... "Weak Subbie Syndrome." In general, when people do things they regret upon waking in their sleep, it indicates Weak Subbie Syndrome. They don't have strong subconscious minds. And, on a side note, like Homer Simpson, I have a stronger subconscious mind than I have a conscious mind. That's the thing, but that is off topic. My dad laughed pretty hard when I told him I didn't expect sleep walking off a cliff to be a problem. I knew at that moment, through empathy and things Subbie has pointed out to me, "I'm not actually mad about your global warming messiah situation," (which worries me to even point out that is what I am thinking here, but I sort of have to), I just need to sleep, maybe, and this is very hard because I have to face my worst fear of being publically humiliated. Anyway... The joke here, with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Beside the fact that I have been pushing coffee, or providing coffee, in a Group home where coffee might exacerbate mental illness... And besides the fact that someone just died of a heart attack, and people have been taking my coffee without asking... And besides the fact that I eat a ton and I don't want people to think I'm gluttonous, but that's not really it either. This is a junk food reference too. Anyway, what am I getting at? With Beev... I wouldn't trust her subconscious mind not to do things in her sleep. There is a sleep disorder where people binge eat in their sleep, and I'm not saying I would expect Beev to do that, but in this situation where the psyche is humiliated and stressed out, I actually wouldn't trust her not to. So... What's the joke here? Seems like a subliminal message to drink coffee instead of binge eating in her sleep. And then... With my dad's anger at my mom for never actually having sex with him, anymore... Crisco seems like an anal rape joke. At any rate, "Dunkin Donuts Coffee" Seems like a subliminal message. Also, to my case manager Laura, please forgive me for not thinking completely rationally all the time when I am so overwhelmed by all this. That's the other thing. With my situation, Don't assume CONSISTENT rational thinking. I do get overwhelmed, and another thing I learned at Innercept... thinking becomes irrational when extreme anger is involved. Just part of the human experience. Thank you for your time.

Murder Thy Elephant

What is Murder Thy Elephant? Well, it happened a year ago now, where Subbie said, "We are entering Murder Thy Elephant. What do we do in Murder Thy Elephant?" It was a rhetorical question to Conscie. Conscie of course, had no idea what Subbie was talking about. To get some background on the situation, I was in a Coricidan induced alter states quite a few months before this, and Subbie wanted to do something weird. Seemed weird to Conscie, but Conscie always listens to Subbie like a good bitch Conscie does. I'm kidding, by the way. It sort of seems like it. It was a picture, "Ding dong ditch pro," a meme where someone ding dong ditches their own house. Conscie had reservations about doing this but Subbie wanted to, so okay Subbie. Actually, Conscie wasn't sure she even got the joke so she didn't want to make fun of Emily's meme right there. In retrospect, it occurred to me the idea was to cause a diversion in a strict household so you can sneak out the backdoor. Not sure, that was just an idea that occurred to me later, and I wasn't embarrassed because Subbie was certain of her reasoning right there. By the way, Murder thy Elephant was spelled wrong, on purpose. Conscie knew that, but couldn't even figure out what the correct spelling was anyway, to be honest. So, later it came up that this was supposedly some reference to Christian literature that wasn't actually in the Bible, or so Subbie said. But at any rate, Murder Thy Elephant meant we leave the house, and it was an incident that no one in the Rachel Zuhl Experience was actually looking forward to. That's why I'm confident in my reasoning that I will never get violent with anyone at all again. Naturally I was only drunk when I attacked my mother, it makes me cringe when I think about it, and I do not wish harm on others ever. I didn't actually want to do that, and Subbie, believe it or not, has the power, and has demonstrated so in the past, has power over the conscious mind, to take control. This is the part of the situation that has always horrified me that I have known about on subconscious level ever since the obsession with the movie Fluke. At the time, I was always annoyed by this situation, the violence was the BIG HORROR, but I was also annoyed by the situation where I would even be required to lie to my parents. However, on a subconscious level in fourth grade, my spirit guides were explaining things, and it was Subbie this, Subbie that, Subbie is wonderful, and I can't fucking wait till I get Subbie! Just... the big yucky. At one point, Subbie has to violently attack my mother and confirm everyone's apparent suspicion that the mentally ill are dangerous and sociopathic. So... Why the hell would "we," (myself, God, spirit guides), insist on even having such a horrific act in the grand plan? It seems easy to guess. To make a point about how belittling guardianship parents can be. Everyone reaches a breaking point. This woman, my mother, has a nasty opinion of the mentally ill, and assumed without asking that this "poor weak trembling child" wouldn't for the life of her want to be on the streets. And gosh darnit, she didn't understand from the getgo that this was SAD, gosh darnit Rachel this is SAD, stop acting happy! It always seemed like my mom was more upset by the situation than I was, when I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Rachel just for the life of her does not understand the seriousness of the situation, if I see her smiling or acting happy at all. You have no shame, Rachel. You should feel ASHAMED, not delighted. Some people who have mental illness, might get so overwhelmed by a mother who is so belittling of mental illness, mopes and acts overly dramatic about it, someone who thinks the stigma of mental illness is more intense than Rachel does... You know, on another topic entirely, I have always been interested in mental illness and I believe I would have a light-hearted attitude about the situation if I knew that's what it was. What is shame, by the way? Different from humiliation. Shame is more "party foul and remove from the pack." On a related note, there was a required incident early in life that taught me what shame felt like. I feel weird bringing it up actually, I was wondering though if my parents made a permanent judgment of my character based on an incident that happened when I was in Kindergarten. It was a relatively easy exercise at the time, a mysticism decision, which... don't get me started on weirdo shit about deep levels of soul awareness throughout my lifetime effecting actions. Anyway... it was an early incident in teaching myself what human emotions felt like, and I was so young that it wasn't so important that I didn't easily dropped it after my dad apologized. This situation is actually sort of funny now, but hard to believe. I don't want to kook the fuck out of everyone, like everything I say does, I feel, sometimes. Going off topic... There are so many incidents I am looking at now, with other people, where people aren't humiliated, no, worse than that, they feel shame. With humiliation... "No, don't feel embarrassed, I didn't make a character judgment based on the situation. At least, not one I didn't already make of you." Referring to weird attitudes about picture reading here. Anyway... That's why there is a joke about "Murder Thy Elephant." Actually, "Cage the Elephant" is a very memorable band name to me, based on the name of the band alone. I like the music too of course, however there is something weird about even listening to it now because the album I was listening to is so closely intertwined with the time period, which is when I was at stabilization at Innercept. Subbie indicated, on a subconscious level, while at stabilization listening to Cage the Elephant, I went wild thinking about a situation where a well-known children's author visited the school, back in elementary school. The idea was that you tether the elephant with a little tether to the ground when it is small, it learns it can't overpower the tether, and when it's big it doesn't even question that assumption, even though it could as an adult elephant. In a family discussion, Kristen said to my parents, in the weak voice of a scared child, "I'm that elephant, mom and dad." Referring to her problems with school. So, back to stabilization... I was thinking, what if the elephant did anyway? Well, you would need to cage the elephant! And then what would happen if the elephant kept growing? You would need more and more cages, each one larger than the last. And lots of variations on what would you do with the darned elephant that wouldn't stop growing. So, back to the task at hand, which is explaining Murder Thy Elephant. Subbie asked Conscie, not long before it happened, "What do we do during Murder Thy Elephant?" Subbie didn't indicate at all what it was, and it seemed to be to the effect of, "Watch out, Conscie. I don't like this part either." Subbie doesn't usually cause problems. With Conscie, it is Subbie this, and Subbie that. Subbie is magical and wonderful. And I wouldn't expect Subbie to get violent again. It's a situation that seems completely ridiculous, when Laura the case manager asks, "What if you feel the urge to get violent with your parents again?" Kind of like asking me, "What would you do if you felt the urge to lick a dog's anus?" The most ridiculous situation I can possibly imagine. Well, what would you do Laura, if you felt the urge to lick a dog's anus? Walk the other direction. I guess. I don't even want to answer that question it seems so absurd.

Hogging the Ball

 Let's discuss hogging the ball. And... randomly, excessive fixation on the book 1984. Let's discuss that later though, and stay on track.

Dopamine. There is a misleading situation, not sure what anyone else is thinking actually, regarding excessive grabbiness of the ball. Actually, a problem I have been mindful of and working on is interrupting. It completely throws me out of my zone when my parents interrupt AT ALL, no excuse for interrupting. Just saying.

And... it leads to myths about being arrogant and self-obsessed. There's also this situation where no one really talks to me all that much, or, not a whole lot of conversation in general. Which generates lack of situations in other people's life to be interested in. And lack of emotional energy towards other people since I am so distant from other people on the spiritual plane, in general. Actually, lack of real emotional closeness, in general. For newcomers, one of the situations at hand here is I can't talk to anyone about things I find funny in my life or emotionally significant since there are reasons I don't share things, usually because they are hard to believe and I don't want my judgment or sanity called into question. I try to be confident of my sanity, you know. I already have existentialism and an strong an idea in my mind that my world makes no sense and there are no other people around, or real people. I mean Real people. Not, you know... Actually this is a dream reference, and I am pointing out it is on my blog.

I get grabby with human contact for this reason. Not usually though. Sometimes I flood. The newsfeed. That's why.

I don't want to flood, and then, people might actually be interested in my situation is something I assume. Most of the time.

Actually, hogging the ball. Talking creates dopamine, interesting conversations actually and the stuff I'm saying.

Troubled topic.

WARNING: Mental Breakdown Eminent

 I was thinking of writing Glow Like Jesus, actually... Touch Like Jesus seems a tad short at 50,000 words, but it comes up consistency in length isn't important. It ends at summer of 2019. What happened then, again? Lots of stuff, too much to actually remember.

And then... I start staring blankly at myself in the mirror, with a weird expression on my face. Something's wrong. Something's wrong! What? What, Subbie? Not a conversation I am having at the moment, was Subbie's response... Yes, something is wrong. And sometimes when someone is badgering me or bothering me or there is something intense about a conversation on a subconscious level, I notice consciously, but apparently that's not the issue. What's wrong? I... don't know what to do. It's been intense stressor after intense stressor. And, I feel invincible, however, I am still human, and I know what they say about stress... General change is a stressor, even if it is not a bad thing.

I have had so many fucking things happen one after the other and I took it all in stride. In just the past month, not counting everything that happened before that. What's wrong? Well, it's not that, says Subbie.

Actually... It's the sad social situation. I have no one to talk to about the things that I actually think about on a daily basis. It's a blank, empty room, staring at the wall, no one around... Nah, a roommate who talks to herself about gibberish topics, and keeps me awake. On that note, it's occurred to me that I AM NOT THE BEST ROOMMATE MYSELF, okay... My side of the room is a complete mess. So... fuck, I have no one for support, no people.

I have a friend I see on a regular basis, Chris, and that's the extent of my social life at the moment. It's not his fault, my life is so weird, and I can't talk about what's bothering me with him. There is NO ONE.

Which reminds me of the hospital... I was thinking about the Eminem situation, that was the thing that was keeping me going at the time actually, early on, and I tried to talk to a woman there about it and she wouldn't fucking hear it. Like, I know that is a common delusion, celebrity stuff, but LISTEN ANYWAY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. The situation was interesting, but... Please, for the love of GOD, don't put me in a situation where I am talking to a mental health professional who is "trained in mental illness." They will not take me seriously for one second, God dammit.

I'm getting annoyed thinking about it now, actually. GOD I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE. The thing that stands out about the situation, they are going to assume the stuff I want to talk about is a memory confabulation. The important details, they will write off as memory confabulations. Subbie says, that's been an ongoing problem when talking to therapists about my life actually. No, they didn't say it... Just assumed a story I told didn't actually happen.

Not only that, they WON'T talk about it. Won't talk about DELUSIONS.

Grrr.. Anyway... I used to talk to Jason, but, yeah, he's being non-responsive. Little puppy dog tails attached and running in all different directions... That's a blog reference, that's what I'm trying to do with my mental stability here. Subbie says, he doesn't like being my "pillar of stability," not quite stable himself, actually.

So this situation has gotten completely DISGUSTING. Heading off a cliff, here... It's the PEOPLE situation here, not chemical. Actually, I have cut myself slack for even using drugs (marijuana/alcohol) for the time being, because I use it as a substitute for human support. I have no support.

And.... I don't make friend cords anymore. Stopped making friend cords.

Now I'm sitting here mumbling to myself about my mom and how she wants to make appointments. 

They Meant That Literally: Veering Away From Mental Breakdown Mode

 Something that was poignant that Subbie has always said about the spirit guide situation... When it first started, and my guides first came into the picture. A "higher up," there are lots of spirits like that, not technically spirit guides, but people who have spoken to me on a subconscious level... pointed out to me at the beginning, "Right now, your guides are making a good relationship with you. Later on, they will repeatedly push you to the brink of what you can handle psychologically without having a mental breakdown."

"I didn't understand, they meant that literally." Is what Subbie said about it.

This is a past issue, and I am passed the point of hitting mental breakdown, NOW... At the hospital, I screamed randomly in the middle of the night, and I was told I needed a shot for that reason. The next day, and besides the fact that I hadn't slept at all... I asked the security people, please don't go nuts with an antipsychotic, an antihistamine, AND a benzodiazepine... like shit, that's intense over-medication! "WE'RE not the ones going nuts!" Was one of the guy's nasty response. All I had done was scream once randomly, at that point, in the middle of the night, standing by the nurse's station. "Scream in your room!" That's not where the mental breakdown hit... I was thinking about something that I don't feel like sharing.

"Don't flirt with the security guards, they are bad people." I told everyone after that, as the women there always make googly eyes at the security guards.

Anyway... This is a past issue now, but it happened again at the group home. There was an intense over-exposure of obnoxious issues being made conscious, including my mom's over concern with my non-existent "anorexia" in high school, and this issue where no matter what, when it comes to my psychiatric care, we ignore the evidence, ignore my behavior and what I am doing and going through, in favor of blind adherence to the "medical model" of bipolar disorder and normal brains.

Actually, what I am talking about here... There was this situation in Coeur D'Alene, where I was first hospitalized in 2009 for perhaps being suicidal... No, I wasn't suicidal right then. Actually, the guides had just fixed the "conversation problem," or they were working on it, as that is NOT a straight-forward task... takes time and work. Anyway, at the time, peers were annoyed with me for talking too much, so I said fine, I won't talk at all, and I was mad. Anyway, my therapist sent me to the hospital, and at one point, I was almost sent to the state hospital for being suicidal... When actually, hey, at that point, I wasn't. Later on... Well, Geodon made me suicidal.

So... We are talking about 2009 now. At the hospital at that point, I was switched from Abilify, a sort of innocuous antipsychotic, to Geodon... These two are supposed to be the least likely to effect weight, and that is why they chose Geodon for me. Well, this isn't a strong point in my memory, but as I recall, I didn't actually make a fuss (which I should have, and that was the problem). Actually, I was cycling. Going high, low, high low, and the only reason at one point that I was even in the hospital... Was to deal with the nasty side effects of Geodon! Well, if you took me off it, I could leave the hospital and function fine... Yep. However, I didn't SAY that, because I was in very deep denial about the situation, in fact at that point I said, "Hey, it's bipolar disorder!" And that's because it was less painful to say that at the time, then it was to say, "Hey, I am at a facility where they are INSISTENT on putting me on a bipolar medication, this one is causing me harm! Who knows if they ALL will? Quiet, subconscious mind." So, at the time, I told myself it was bipolar disorder, while complaining about the new symptom of rapid cycling, which started right when I started Geodon.

There was a doctor there, one I only saw at the hospital, who INSISTED that I was manipulative. At the time, I didn't get mad, because there was something sort of cute to me about the concept of people who were manipulative... Not that I myself was actually DOING it. I had no fucking idea what that guy was talking about, or what his problem was.

So anyway, recently, I started breaking down when I finally figured out this issue. Actually, he thought I was FAKING the cycling, to get off Geodon... Because God dammit woman, Geodon doesn't do that no matter what, okay.

So I'm basically fucked, and I was put in a position where people ignore what the medications are actually doing to me, and forget that they aren't doing anything positive because there are no problems anyway, with my natural mood... And I am told I am LYING about the side effects. Indirectly, of course. And that was the doctor that insisted I go to the state hospital.

At the time, I said fine, state hospital might be better than Innercept... Then suddenly said, WTF? And I said that out loud, and they told me I didn't have to go. The case for me going to the state hospital was pretty weak, anyway.

Anyway, then all that Dr. Moses Ijaz shit I went through recently, where it was dopamine blockers, ignoring the evidence, actually, I have never had any side effects at all withdrawing from Haldol... Blind insistence on the medical model of bipolar disorder. And then suddenly... At the group home... All this hits at once, and I feel like screaming my head off...

Did I? Actually, my memory is fuzzy. What I do know, I screamed at one point and went in the other room, residents followed, and I felt like I was being mean when I told them to leave me alone. Like geez, if people are worried about violence, why are they following me? Actually, that's a strange thing to be worried about... Or at least, I was thinking that if I am screaming people assume it is my own fault and I'm about to get violent. Maybe that's a misunderstanding of the situation.

At one point, I got weak, there was a medical emergency, not necessarily an EMERGENCY, but I didn't feel well, and of course at the time I was in an altered state and couldn't actually slow myself down, either, so that situation sort of looked funny to them. There was something wrong with my heart, actually. Not palpitating, it DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT... Well, if it's not palpitating, then how do you know something is wrong? It feels strange and weak, not kidding, dammit... Don't know what to do about it though.

Anyway, I was going somewhere with this though. At one point, I had a mental breakdown in the restroom, actually. Residents there don't flush the toilet. I figured out later, they just do that because they hate their situation, as a "fuck you" to the facility. There's a sign that says flush the toilet, they see it, they can read, they still don't do it... At one point I took the sign down, and the toilet seat was left up with urine on it. I hummed and sang a song to myself while washing my hands after that incident, keeping calm.

And that's the thing, is that now with every toilet related incident that happens there, I keep calm. So, I didn't mention the one thing that happened yet... Before the toilet seat incident, at one point I was using the restroom, and the urine in the toilet had an annoying effect on my mentally breaking down psyche and I screamed, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?!" Which, of course, you know, I do NOTHING around there, I KNOW THAT DUMBFUCK. It was a reference to past altered states I have been in, with the mind flip, if something is annoying you, like a mess, you clean it up yourself... I have gone through altered mind flip states training my brain where I moved around CONSTANTLY, cleaning up, stuff like that. Using a different part of my brain to do these things, actually, and that outburst was a regurgitation of psychological left over gunk from that situation, not a reflection on the current situation, dumbfuck. Like, duh.

Anyway... So now, it's been stuff like, I have found toilet paper and shit literally on the seat now, actually. And... I don't get mad or anything. I have pointed it out to staff, but most of the time I just use a different restroom. There are three restrooms for residents at the house.

So, Subbie pointed out to me this morning, the guy who is doing it, and it's just one guy, called out to me last night on the spiritual plane and asked me why I haven't thrown a fit again. Which, Subbie said... That's literally the stupidest thing I have ever talked about on the spiritual plane. I am surprised that guy is even cognitively capable of using the spiritual plane if he is going to actually CALL OUT to me to ask such an asinine question.

My guides pointed out, like with something called "whistles"... There is a situation where people can "blow a whistle," that's what we call it, on you if you are doing something annoying, for example body odor. If you get enough whistles for the same reason, which is quite a bit, you have to do something on the other side to pay for the situation. It's for stuff that doesn't effect spiritual growth just annoys other souls. Anyway... the guy who is doing the toilet thing will have to pay for it somehow on the other side, and we suspect it's a down a dimension soul anyway.

The thing is the situation isn't even bothering me I think it's funny, but I almost feel annoyed with myself to laugh at someone who is being so completely stupid, like it's low to laugh at stupid people.

Anyway, the mental breakdown situation has cleared up though, actually. I have a different take on my life, actually. My life does not belong to me, and that's the word.

Demons and Keeping Each Other Company During Misery

 There was a Facebook post I had awhile back, maybe early 2017, about how going through the depths of misery together, creates a profound friendship.

I'm not talking about other residents at Innercept. Not that that is completely irrelevant either, I would have to ask them how they felt about Innercept after the fact. Something other people may not know, there is a difference in Facebook protocol if you went to treatment together. After the fact, sometimes people unfriend and add back, and it is understood that it was nothing personal. Basically, we were in such a bad mood during treatment, "I don't want to think about you, but it's not you. You just remind me of that period of time."

I'm talking about the Dynamic Trio: Matthew, Hugh, and myself. I was without proper emotional support, not a whole lot of friends, or really any... I mean, it's rude not to call people at Innercept friends, but there weren't many I was close to. Matthew was the only person I talked to from home, throughout my stay at Innercept. Even so, we were kind of distant. However, we hung out on home visits, and talked a bit online.

When Matthew moved to LO, he felt like he had friends there. People talked to him, treated him like a friend, but everyone abandoned him after he left high school. Why? They got really tired of listening to all those fucking stories, because the situation got downright ridiculous because people didn't tell him to his face that they knew they were lies. So, I was one of the only people who stayed friends with him.

I was dealing with my own hell, of course, as some may already know. The worst part was Geodon, how at times it seemed to turn my life into a living hell, causing rapid cycling as well as brain damage. And, in case you don't know already, that story eventually had a happy ending: I got neurofeedback when I moved back to Lake Oswego, by a very competent naturopath, Dr. Winkleman. There weren't any really good theories on how it came about, but I noticed interesting changes during and after each session. The thing I wanted to point out about that, Dr. Winkleman thought we had a whole bunch more work to do, and my spirit guides at that point pointed out that we only have to do a few more sessions, and the rest will correct on its own.

I still tell people, 2010 was a great year. Yeah, for half the year I was on Geodon. Well, I pulled myself back up by my bootstraps, when I got my Adderall prescription back in late 2009. So yeah, that made all the difference. Of course, not that I myself don't deserve most of the credit here. The good year was actually 2011, when I started my blog. I felt that that was a monumental positive shift in my life, and still do. Best thing I could have done for myself.

Anyway, Hugh was free... or was he? He had a demon. I remember back when I was living at Wilson, I read his blog on Myspace. He talked about feeling like at times he "had no choice" but to do something, and it was something bad... and indicated that he considered himself subhuman. When I read it, that was so weird I had a hard time believing it. When my guides entered the picture, they told me, "If we were you, reading that, we wouldn't think he is delusional, or lying, or crazy... We would think, this is very clear cut. This guy has a DEMON."

It's come up many times, he was hinting at something, reading his blog... There was some incident that he regrets, maybe more than one. They won't tell me what it is. They have made up interesting stories, and then afterwards indicated that they were kidding. "That's for him to tell you, Rachel."

At any rate, the demon forces him at times to push people away, people who care, people who he gets along with a little too well. It also forces him to do things that cause other people not to like him as much. And, I don't know the story here. I haven't talked to him in person about it.

Luckily, the demon doesn't affect him on the spiritual plane. That is "low" level awareness... Hmm. What does that mean, exactly? I'm not entirely sure myself, and I know my little up/down model of awareness (in terms of conscious, semi-conscious, subconscious near the surface, etc.) is flawed. The model is flawed, that's why the entire time I have been looking at this Subbie/Conscie situation funny because it is so strange, but it's hard to deny it is happening. Subbie is me, yes. How do I know? Hihh... Well, for one, right at the beginning, they told me not to have a pretentious romantic relationship with Conscie. At one point, Subbie forgot, started saying something sweet to Conscie, and I forced myself to stop so suddenly it brought "conscious" awareness down into the Sub. Hey, that is me, isn't it? I am doing the talking here. I'm Subbie.

Other than that... Subbie isn't always the same. In at least the year 2021, I have sometimes wondered if that's Subbie at all, because Subbie is "boring." Which "King" am I using? I can switch it up and use a deeper King, by the way... And, that's not always the best idea. Am I just walking around talking to myself? Because Subbie isn't that interesting anymore... Of course, there is something really weird about convincing myself that it is just in my head, it never happened... I clearly remember things, like at the beginning, at one point I had to make an effort to talk from Conscie, not Subbie. I was actually losing the ability to only talk about stuff I consciously knew about people. During one hectic night/morning in 2014, a required exercise was to sit and talk inanely to myself about people and things I knew about them from conscious experience. Every once awhile, at times, while I was doing, something, let's just say. Something else... Actually, it was during the Ascension Process.

So, during Innercept, spiritual plane conversations with Hugh and Matthew kept me happy and going, a lot of the time. When the experience was over, even though we were sort of distant during the time, Matthew and I attached a love cord. This is a platonic love cord.

Other than that... Playing the psychology game is interesting, right now. My roommate seems to talk to herself about me most of the time... This is a very interesting situation. Also, fuck, do I even want change? YES, however, everyone is resistant to big jarring changes that are mysterious. And that's the word, that's where I will leave you.

Hackers and the Dark Afternoon of Azul

I felt like I lost control yesterday, of my choices, words and actions, through the introduction of a REAL alcoholic beverage and not the cheap ones. So yes, I was agitated and I relapsed again. So kill me. In the past, I have used alcohol to calm down my psyche, which was agitated due to the concept of "Psychological Factors Unknown."

It has come to me that, through the resolution of the Subbie/Conscie Conundrum... There was a situation in my youth, where the mice behind the curtain, spoke to me for the very first time. The "people" or spirits who would speak to me on a subconscious level since childhood, were preparing me for my destiny.

The first time it happened, I was a 6 year old outside and a spirit named Ian said to me, "You know, the Queen of Babylon's famous flaw was reaching for the milk." Upon question, he said he was referring to my mom and the way she gets angry when asked about dinner. Any questions about dinner get greeted with anger.  Please, don't ask her what's for dinner. That was an extreme point of irritation for her.

There was a situation they were preparing for me, which was long in the future... Where I would reach my destiny and become a great woman, the Great Queen, woman, whatever... of Babylon. It came with a catch, but someday, I would take the throne, so to speak. I wasn't quite sure what they meant, but... That was the purpose of my life.

Prior to the Dark Afternoon of Azul, I was up all night, I sometimes spend several nights up without much sleep in altered states... Well, what was I doing? I did this, and this, and this, as factors in my psychology was changing very rapidly, accepting the situation and letting things go. For it was my mom's fear of anorexia, or possible idolization with the topic... But simultaneously acknowledging that it was serious... The Great Moper and Weeper of our time, who had been very fearful of a possible mental illness when I switched schools and became a sociopath, all of a sudden, or a wimp, or a sociopath, or a wimp... the Either/Or game was played at the time, without further inspection of my psychology through questions and emotional discussions, or rather, through asking me questions.

At the time, I knew something about the situation was strange, since I caught myself thinking, the first time my mom told me the school councilor told her I wasn't making friends at my new school. "Yeah, and she thinks this is a BAD thing...." I was thinking that, I didn't say that allowed, I wasn't happy at all about this situation. I was absolutely devastated at the time due to the Social Predicament, however I knew there was some point far, far in the future when the tables would turn. However, a great amount of moping and agitated ruminating went on behind my back, though not a word after that was spoken to me about it. And if a word had been spoken, it may have happened like once, I didn't want to think that I was missing out on the Game of Life by not talking in school. I think there may have been a situation when my dad spoke to me about it and told me speak or your missing out. Which, you know, I couldn't, okay... I didn't understand the back and forth movement of conversation.

It says in the report, and this is well documented and there are people out there who do know this by the way... ha ha, hee hee, who who. Anyway, there are people who do have access to the information where I moved to a new school, did not make friends, however, there was some indication that I never tried. Which is ridiculous, why wouldn't I try?

Actually, I was given a cognitive impairment where I was unable to make conversation, and I know that sounds completely ridiculous, however when people spoke to me, I just could not think of anything to say, or even, kind of, acknowledge that I was supposed to speak... Actually, no, I didn't get the back in forth movement of conversation, which allowed me to miss out on the comfort of human relationships, for a period of time.

The woman in the Wandering Womb has no language of her own. Not only that, she is hyped up on lust.

Anyway, what was I saying again? This wasn't my idea, okay. and they GET that, apparently, I receive somehow.

I was getting agitated, and no, medication does NOT help the situation, but there is a great amount of denial in my household about that situation, I am forced to disrespect my brain over and over again, and it escalates. I am not allowed to play doctor for myself, not allowed to diagnose my own dopamine deficiency... I have to go to the doctors, who play by the rules of insanity, let's try the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

At the same time, I am without social connection or emotional support, feel very unloved, and I have absolutely no one I can turn to in a time of need. In 2014, a little over a year after I got out of Innercept, the The Great Willy Wonkas... (this is a joke about a situation in 2013 when I had a dream where people were whispering about how Willy Wonka was coming... It was a funny dream, and I wrote a blog about it at the time.

Sitting at a bar, the woman at the counter asks me what I would like to drink. I decide to, hey, have something a little different this time... How about something more sophisticated like an Azul? Yeah, more expensive, and they encourage you to go nuts at these places by not listing the price of the drink on the menu. So, I had to ask, to point out to the bartender that I am an Innercept "kid," I had my childhood ruined when my parents were brainwashed by a salesman, who told them a gripping, touching story about how a friend of his killed himself and Dr. Ullrich was so grief-stricken that he decided to create a treatment center where even the linens and sheets are designed to help mental illness. This way, Rachel would indeed get life schooling.

So I drank, and as I did, harassed my dad while he was clearly sleeping, for after all, this is the Great Azul and different alcoholic drinks... at times, have different effects, let's just say.

So, well... I was making videos, and, umm... Actually, what exactly happened right there isn't important anymore. I got it, I still have a vanity crisis, okay. Let's just say, I am finally comfortable with my facial appearance, as I have always wanted to be pretty and now I am. Let's just say there were facial strengthening exercises. Please, don't try this at home, it ages your face without spiritual influence.

So, what was I saying again? Okay okay, okay... DROPPED TOPIC. As the Great Hackers and Mystics of our time collide, I must humble myself about my situation, the raging necrophiliac the sexual wooing energy turns me into... the spiritual plane situation... And... I didn't think I was doing that, but... Hey, it's enlightenment. Get rid of all ego complexes, geez.

So, I just wanted to point out, I will try to have more of a filter, try to be more understanding to women especially, however this was not my choice, this situation. For after all, the Indigo Children will help us create a society that flourishes, a time of plenty, and love and joy will abound.

"I love you."

So let's just... drop topic.

Brain Goes SPLAT, Enlightenment Looms

 What is my life like right now? Right now, I am sitting at my computer, feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what it is. What's going on?

Seems like there is something right below the surface... One of those times where you stare blankly, feeling overwhelmed, but what is it? Nothing, that I can put my finger on. Something on a subconscious level.

So, I surrendered the ego. When I did it, I remembered the feeling of caring more about someone else than I did about myself, and tried to place a little of that feeling onto every single person in the world... To some degree, or some hint of that feeling. I had to surrender caring about thinness, while simultaneously working on weight loss. Enlightenment, what do you look like? It doesn't mean you don't care about how you are perceived by others... you want to be perceived positively, so looking your best is still important. However, aren't you supposed to surrender desire? How do I achieve weight loss, while simultaneously surrendering all desire? Well, I apparently did it, because Ian said, okay okay enough trying to surrender your skinny ego... You have already done that effectively.

Today I came home to my parent's house. I was feeling depressed, actually. Well, apparently the reason was, my guides were doing some intense soul work, on the period of time when I was a teenager and I didn't have that much of a social life, so I spent a lot of time hanging out with my parents. Very depressing thing to do, in retrospect. During the bus ride, I felt just... suicidally sad and lonely. This horrible loneliness is killing me! Don't worry, I am not going to attempt suicide, seems so fucking stupid in my position... I just wanted to point out, at times the loneliness is so crippling, I don't know what to do with myself. I've gotten older, and what happened to everyone? I miss the community of school, even being in a position where my conversational abilities were limited. Sometimes now, I feel like I'm the only person on Earth left, kind of... wandering around a barren plane where nobody exists. There is nothing to talk to with anybody but the weather, every conversation is about the weather... I wish I could talk to people about what is on my mind, but people will think I'm crazy.

Of course... I am sure there are people who don't think I'm crazy. But can I talk to them? I don't know who to talk to, I don't know how to bring it up... Erik has been distant and won't seem to really talk to me about anything anymore. I look at his picture to picture read, and it looks somewhat positive, in my direction... So, I say, give him space, in this situation. But damn, what do I do?

Splattered guts, splattered brains, splattered ego... everywhere. So I surrendered the ego, and now when I look at my pictures and read my aura, it looks sort of like I just have some sort of cocoon. Lost some sort of spunk, but that's probably not a bad thing... it's temporary. So, I guess after you surrender the ego, peace does not come IMMEDIATELY... What do I do now? I heard, you also have to overcome the desire for inner peace, as well... So apparently, I can't get too fixated on longing for the peace of enlightenment, or else it won't happen.

Splattered guts, splattered brains... I walk around, and there is something in the air or something, I notice at times... Is something weird going on? I feel like I must stand out like a sore thumb, and I am perceived strangely by others. At times it is a good thing... Other times, I wonder if people are looking at me funny, something I am doing that is off, more than anything my teeth, probably. It's hit or miss, you get it or you don't, I guess.

FUCK. I am left staring at myself in the mirror, like I always do when I sit at my parent's house in my room, not admiring my appearance, it's like I am interacting with the face in the mirror, or look at it like I am having a conversation with that person (myself)... And now I am just staring at myself, every once in awhile, with a weirded out expression.

But hey, on the plus side, I am perfectly happy with who I am. I am strong, intelligent, kind-hearted... And beautiful, but that's not something I internalize, that's my physical appearance and that's not who I am as a soul. There's some sort of notion that pretty women are bitches and are full of themselves... I grew up thinking I was ugly. I wasn't, but my face changed in my adulthood, I got prettier. So, I grew up without that ego crutch. Can I tell people on dating websites this? Nah... Fuck it, I'm not looking for love on there, anyway, just friends, and it seems like I should probably look somewhere else, too. Any guy who is interested in me, is going to seem too ordinary and is not of interest to me... Yawn.

This Lady Gaga song Babylon is helping me through this time. Every once in awhile, I need a new song, okay. I still have Eminem Death Note, but what of it? That's old news. Not really, but a new song helps a lot.

So I am happy with myself... I just feel out of place and like I don't belong, I can't relate on Earthly matters, and I need to fill my brain but my brain is unable to be filled right now. Got to wait it out. Eventually, I have this audio book I am supposed to be listening to. This boring sounding audio book about various cultural groups in America. Seems like a yawn, but Subbie says... Just listen to it, okay, something interesting happens when you do.

Everywhere I go, there is silence. No one talks to me. But ping, ping, ping. This person pings me, this person pings me, this person pings me... someone different each time.

It's like this Earth plane is now a silent room full of people. I am in the center, everyone is staring at me, I can feel everyone's eyes on me, and no one says a damn word to me.

And I wonder, have I gone mad? But it comes down to, I know something weird is going on... every single detail supports it. And I think of how I wasn't able to make conversation, for years in school, due to a cognitive problem with making conversation... That's a fact, and that settles it. I'm not crazy. But fuck, the notion to everyone else on the Earth plane, or a notion that exists, is paranormal/spiritual stuff is hogwash.