Trip Like Jesus Before Help Like Jesus

I do not know if my parent's are fucking with my page or not, but... Yeah, something got left out of Trip Like Jesus, Part 17.

Help Like Jesus: Part 31

Well, I was the one who was going to save the world from insane amounts of destruction. To me, this meant little. I was used to believing strange fantasies. It was not a fantasy to me though, it was real. I was going to be the one who saved the world. Not really, I was going to be famous though. And I liked that a lot.

Well, that was it. I was destined for greatness. Believe, I did. Want, I did. Have, I did not. Only time would tell if these beliefs would prove to be true, or false. I hoped for true, and did not plan for false.

Help Like Jesus" Part 30

What is that girl doing? Said a spirit above my head.

Watch her, watch her, said the other.

The spirits can talk to each other too.

Let the spirits be, Salioness. Do not talk to them. They are bad to talk to, it encourages them. We are going to do some more energy work on Melvin. Make another bad cord from him to the girl he likes right now. Him, her, spiders... there you go!

Now, another cord to make him think she's creepy. Who is creepy in your life?

That one guy from Innercept, Josh.

Okay, let's do it! Him, her, Josh.... there you go!

Now we are done. Work out less, eat more! My guides instructed me. Then we walked to the energy drink store to buy an energy drink. On the way home, a spirit stopped and asked me where she could find the bathroom. I told her to look inside a trash can.

We walked home. At home, it was time to add more monacle cleaners to my toothbrush holder.

I heard a whisper behind me. From amongst the swaying spirits, came one forward.

There's another tarot reading for you. It's us. The spirits. We have a tarot reading for you and Adam.

No, it's us... the connection was jarbled.

I thumbed through the deck of tarot cards.

That's not the one, that's not the one, that's not the one... there, this one.

Ace of pentacles. Look it up.

Not manifestation, not prosperity... keep looking, take your time.

There. That one. Beginnings. It's about beginnings. This card is about beginnings. We think you should be with him.

That was the spirits. They have an opinion on this matter. They want you to be with Adam. Don't do any more tarot readings with the spirits, my guides told me.

Later, the spirits wanted to do another tarot reading with me.

I spoke in hushed voice. Yes we do. One for why you should not be with Chance.

Not this one, not this one... here, this one.

High priestess reversed.

Yes, reversed is right. Look it up.

There... Hidden agendas. He has hidden agendas.

I asked the spirits, how do you know the tarot cards?

We don't know the cards mean but we know people. We know the cards. We don't know what they mean but we know what they look like and what they are.

Well, the spirits have made themselves clear. They are on Team Adam. Why don't you cross that one over?

We walked to the gas station to buy energy drinks. When we got a few, we bought them. When we got back, it was time to talk to God.

After grappling around in the dark for a little bit, trying to secure a connection, I located God.

Hello, Rachel. I have some things to tell you. First off, I lied. I hate your mom, very very much. We hate her, all of us do. She is a whiny bitch. Also, I actually like Brandon quite a bit. He's a good guy. There is something I need to advise you on. You need supplements, stat! They will help with your ability to concentrate. Your guides will help you choose the right ones, I have already told them. Also, there are some people I want you to be friends with for the guardianship trial.

At this point, I lost the connection. I switched over to channeling my guides. We know who he was talking about. Try A, in your friends list. No, none of those. Try C. Not it either. Try K. Nope, not that either.

I was searching alphabetically for the friend he was talking about, through my friends list.

We don't know. Try asking him directly.

I got back in contact with God, after a bunch of grappling.

I told them the wrong friend. I wanted to tell you directly.

Ooohh! I said. I thought this was funny, and it made me sexually attracted to God.

There there, calm down. Here he is. He is a good friend for you. Meet him for lunch, and talk spiritual matters. Another thing. I know you are going through puberty again, but no more sexual energy, okay?

Okay, God!

And we ceased talking. After I stopped talking to God, my guides told me a joke God made while we were talking, when I was aroused by him.

“She's mindlessly aroused.”

I thought this was funny too. He was referring to the fact that I was going through puberty so my hormones were raging.

We went to the computer to find the specific supplements I needed. Bladderwhack, for one. The other one was pine bark extract. On a different day, we went to Whole Foods and picked them up, secretly. If my parents knew I was buying supplements without a doctor's permission, they would flip.

I took some, and waited for my concentration to get better.

Another night, my mom was giving me my meds when she mentioned that she found a receipt in my room for some really unsettling supplements. She wanted to know where they were. I told her there was some sort of mistake, there were no supplements. I was worried, mad as hell, and embarrassed, a little bit, that she had caught me buying supplements based on my spirit guide's advice. I wasn't embarrassed that I had done it, just that she would know about it. But she didn't know that.

I was upset, and stressed out over several days. My guides told me they were going to do something, put me in a light haze, to help me better deal with this stress. Later, they decided against it, it wasn't as bad as they thought.

As I lay on my bed, I remembered a dream I had a long time ago. It was about my best friend, Debi, after we moved. I saw a news story in my dream where there was a conflict in her classroom. One girl balanced herself on her hands between desks, and kicked another girl viciously in the butt with her legs.

That image stuck in my head. The girl being kicked in the butt. Very, very vividly.

That's an attack! You are under attack! Do some spells!

The image of the attack stuck in my mind because at the same time, I was under attack.

Okay... Seven, ten, one, three.... Three, eight, nine, two... One, seven, one, nine... I did this for a long, long time, doing spells to protect against the attack. I was scared out of my mind, until after awhile, I asked what this spell I was protecting against was going to do.

Well, it won't affect you any, but it would harm your parents....

Immediately, I felt relief, and indifference. I didn't give a flying fuck about my parents.

Do it anyway, please. It's a vicious spell. You don't like them, we don't like them... But they don't deserve this. This is a spell to make everyone in the entire world hate them. It's a powerful spell.

I continued doing spells until they said it was done. Right after I finished, a spirit said to me, “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear!”

Damn spirit. Trying to feed into my insecurities about being delusional.

I talked to God about it the next day. Not the spells, the supplement receipt. He said he was testing my naturopath. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, he was in God's favor because he trusts me.

Chapter

Well, Salioness, time for energy work!

I lay down on my bed.

Now, imagine two lines intersecting. Move them around to make way for another loop. Move the loop in a circle and make it piffy. Now, eat it!

Now, work on this name calling thing. You and Melvin are friends on the spiritual plane, but not friends in real life. Make way for that to change! Do this with his fantasy land ideas!

We created a circle, and cut it in half. Then, we ate something together in our minds. Then, we drank water and made fun of each other.

Okay, it's time to do some energy work on you. Now, this is really important. We will tell you what to do. Now, sit here. We are starting.

I could feel the tension in the air. As I sat, I talked to my guides about things of little importance. While I talked, I could not make the sound of R's, or N's, or M's. They were no-no sounds. Bad practice.

Eat a banana. Not a real banana, an imaginary banana. Now, smoke a cigarette. An imaginary cigarette. Now, eat a robot child. This is the robot child you wanted to have but never needed in your life. Eat him.

I did all three of these things, for energy purposes.

Okay, we are done. Go downstairs, and we will tell you who to think about, as we do energy work on them.

I went downstairs, lay on the couch, and thought about various people in my life, as they did energy work.

Then, it was time to go get a soda. I walked to the store. On the way, I heard a gun caulking sound.

What's that? I asked.

Oh, boy. Not a good thing. It's the spirits that infested the Columbine shooters. Not the Columbine shooters themselves, the spirits that lead them to commit such atrocities.

What do I do?

A couple spells. Now. Whenever someone commits and atrocity, usually they have spirits that make them do it. It is not just the spirit's fault, they have control of their own actions, and it is usually bad people who have these kind of spirits. Not you, of course, they are attracted to you because you are a mad light of steel.

Were the shooters of Columbine all bad souls? I asked this, because I knew that sometimes good people could manifest poorly on the Earth plane.

Yes, they were. Not as much as some souls, but more than most.

As I was walking back, I was passing through the bushes.

“You shall not pass!” the bushes said to me.

How dumb. We hate that about this plane. Dumb shit happens like the bushes talk to you. Don't put that in your book, it was too dumb.

I went home, and started cooking dinner. I turned on South Park and started watching. Up with the spirits, they were having, not a party, but a shindig with the energy of a fundraiser. I heard spirits talking. One of them was joking around. “How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one, Thomas Edison. And it's true too! Funny and true!”

I asked why they were making fun of that joke from the Simpson's, which was merely okay.

That is the funniest joke on the Simpsons, Salioness. It is spirit humor. We love that joke in the spirit world. It is famous. There are other jokes that are good from the Simpsons, but not as good as that one.

Chapter

My spirit guides were trying to get me to stop playing mahjongg. It was horrible death hole of a game that killed time and put me in a bad mood. I went downstairs, exasperated. Sitting on the chair in my office, I heard the word “amphetamine” softly in my ear.

Who are you?

Amphetamine.

What do you have to say?

I like you more than you like me.

Why do you like me?

I like something you did today.

What did I do?

Something upstairs on your computer.

Mahjongg?

Yes. I like how you did something mindless and stupid.

There's another thing I like that you do.

What's that?

Something on the computer.

After trying to figure out what it was for awhile, my spirit guides finally tell me. When I use alternate profiles to look at people's friends page, to see where I am on the list, to try to figure out if they are looking at my profile.

Yes, that's what it is. I like that because it's deluded.

Another thing I like that you do.

Play with my hair?

No, I like that, but that's not it. On your computer. In iTunes. Obsessing over the playcounts of songs you have. That's an excellent amphetamine activity.

Let me show you some amphetamine songs I like. Here's one. Porcupine Tree, fear of a blank planet. Another one, Giving it All Away, Ashlee Simpson. Another one. Comfortably numb, by Pink Floyd. Another one. U2, Mysterious Ways.

Why is that an amphetamine song?

I'll show you, look at the lyrics.

I look at the lyrics, and it shows me the line it likes:

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was California girls by Katy Perry, because of the lyric “I won't play, I love the bay.” Because it represented being content just where you are and never wanting to go anywhere else in the world.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was “So What?” by pink, because of the attitude of being content and not caring what anyone else thinks.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen. Because of the reference to the color red.

Another song, Cleaning out my closet, Eminem...

The line “I bet you're probably sick of me now, ain't you momma?”

Because Eminem's mom tried to get him to take drugs and he didn't want to. I like that. I don't think anyone should be on amphetamines.

But I thought you liked amphetamines?

I do but...

The spirit of amphetamines left, as I pointed out a paradox it couldn't handle.

That was an interesting one. Why did it talk so long?

The spirit of amphetamines has move energy than most spirits, because people give it more energy. There is a lot of amphetamine abuse in the world, and that bolsters the spirit's strength.

Help Like Jesus: Part 29

I sat downstairs in the computer room, channeling. When I looked at my body, it was the same. No weight loss. My guides told me to drink more juice. Always drink juice, it helps with your brain's ability to think clearly. As we channeled, I kept thinking about that girl Melvin used to have a crush on in the 8th grade, Alicia. I wondered about her. I kept bringing her up in my mind. My guides suggested I just call out to her, she might be calling out to me and it's not getting through.

I called out to her. I asked her how she was. She asked me what I was doing. I told her to go ahead and have a look. Subconsciously, very deep subconsciously, people have the ability to peer into one another's lives and stuff. She looked at everything. The channeling, the spells, the energy work. And she said to me: “Woah! Woah! Woah! You are one lucky girl! Please, do not hesitate to find me when you are famous and be my friend! I like you a lot, I knew you not at all in the 8th grade I had no opinion of you. Wow! You are doing fantastic! I wish this were me! Please, let something like this happen to me! I am jealous! All I have to say is, HAVE FUN!”

I was taken aback. I liked this, sure. It was okay. It had never occurred to me, however, that all this was supposed to be fun! I didn't think of that! Wow!

This was one of the most poignant conversations I had on the spiritual plane during this time.

Time to do some energy work on Chance. We need him to talk to you soon. So what we are going to do is, cut his crush cords.

What do you mean, cut his crush cords?

When you have a crush on someone, you attach a specific cord to them, called a crush cord. When you remove it, you no longer have those butterfly feelings for them anymore.

Okay, let's do it!

We went through and removed all his crush cords. There were millions and millions of crush cords. We took a short cut. Cut all his cords to girls. That worked, but not for all of them. Cut all his cords to girls that he likes again. Not really. More crush cords.

The thing about Melvin is, when he sees a girl he thinks is attractive, he automatically attaches a crush cord. Don't worry, we won't remove the one to you!

We went through, and there were so many crush cords. I started laughing when I remembered a status he had when he first visited Spain, and how hot all those girls were! I thought, all those hot girls he saw, those are the crush cords I am removing.

It took several days to remove all the crush cords, and we still didn't get all of them, just the major ones. When we were done, my guides told me something important.

He has a girl in his life now. He is interested in a girl he knows. They are a terrible match. When you removed the crush cord, they moved farther apart on the spiritual plane, and you and him closer together. He also attached another cord to her. A stupid cord.

I thought this was hilarious.

Okay, so first, stretch them out even farther on the spiritual plane. They can be even farther apart. Now, let's add some cords!

First, a cord of disgust. Imagine him, imagine her, now puke, dogs, barf! There you go! You attached a cord of disgust!

Now, let's add another cord. A sociopath cord. What is a sociopath to you?

I don't know, Hitler?

Okay, let's try that. Imagine him, imagine her, now... Hitler! Oops, you added the wrong cord. Instead of a sociopath cord, you added a cord of interest in dark matters. Who else is a sociopath to you?

I thought, Nick, the guy who I thought was the one ugly soul in all the universe.

Okay, now, him, her, Nick! Okay, you added the correct cord! One more cord. What cord do you think we should add?

How about, a mother cord. He thinks of her like a mother.

Now, that's bad practice. We can't add those kinds of cords.

What about, he thinks of her as his daughter?

We can do that one. Okay, imagine her, imagine him, now, sssonnn....

Okay! You attached the cord! Now, we can't guarantee that these cords will grow. But we can hope!

Chapter

I was sitting on the bed, looking at a picture of Melvin when my spirit guides suggested to me, send him energy.

I sent him some energy, not from my heart chakra, but from a chakra a little bit below it.

What the fuck?

Hi.

Have you been thinking about me?

Yeah, a little bit, occasionally.

Are you telling the truth?

Ahh, no.

More than occasionally?

Yeah.

Do you like me?

Yeah, more than a little bit.

Do you like that other girl?

Yeah.... Ahh, no.

What do you think about her?

I like her but... she's mean.

What do you like about her?

Her boobs.

What else do you think about her?

She's gross.

Would you like my body? (I send him a sketch of my body, mentally)

Yeah... I don't like this.. I put my hand on my stomach.

I send him another sketch, without my stomach sticking out.

Yeah, I like that. But it would be better if it were bigger somewhere.. not the boobs, not the butt..

I start groping myself, trying to find out where he means. I try the butt. No. The legs. No. All around the legs. No. My stomach. No. Slightly higher on my stomach. No. I grope all around until my hand lands on my right boob. Here it is. This is where it should be bigger.

He loses energy and the connection breaks.

Chapter

Where did the fun happen in Rachel's house? It was hard to understand how I enjoyed life anymore, I was so bored all the time.

You need to just chew a full piece of gum every time. You enjoy it more when you chew a full piece. And it's the only thing you enjoy anymore, said my grandma on the other side.

It didn't occur to me that she was joking. I enjoyed channeling quite a bit. But with the chemical imbalance in my brain caused by long term Adderall use, it was hard to enjoy anything.

We went downstairs, to watch television. I watched Twilight. I watched it with commentary. Not commentary from the producers, commentary from the spirit guides. They informed me of all the spirit humor in the movie, and told me what they thought about different parts of the movie. In the spirit world, they hate that movie. It's a dumbfuck movie.

Well, that was a good movie. Now, let's do some house cleaning! Right there, that's a mental illness book. Put away all the mental illness books.

I did so, collected them and put them in the cabinet. Out of sight, out of mind.

Now, walk over here. There's something over here we want you to get rid of.

I walked over to the cabinet above the desk. On the cabinet, there was a list of Innercept numbers.

Throw that away.

I did so.

Spirits keep interrupting my connection with my spirit guides. I felt frazzled and drained, and I started to come down. I know where I am, I know what I am doing. But I don't know if my spirit guides are really real. Are they just in my head? Is this experience, all this supernatural stuff, just imaginary?

I sat down and started talking to someone new.

Are you Marissa?

No.

Are you Meg?

No.

Are you one of my spirit guides?

No.

Are you my guardian angel?

No.

Are you an angel?

No.

Are you something like an angel?

No.

Are you the spirit of someone I knew?

No, but you know me very well.

Are you my mom? Dad? Cat?

No.

Are you me?

In a way. I am your fears.

What are you saying to me?

I know you very well. But I don't believe in you.

You don't believe in me?

I don't believe you exist.

Every time I started doubting my experiences, this would happen. I would start to believe that I didn't exist.

Help Like Jesus: Part 27

I was sitting on my bed when the spirit of bacon called out to me.

Hi I'm bacon.

What are you telling me?

I like you because you like bacon, but don't eat bacon. I like people who like me and don't eat me. No one should eat me.

Why is that?

I'm really bad for the heart.

How do you feel about that?

I hate myself.

Another spirit called out to me. The spirit of Waterworld.

I used to like you, but not anymore. I hate it how you always focus on my tragedy. It was a dark spot in my history. But you are okay, I didn't want to be a water park anyway. I wanted to be a dry cleaner.

What are we going to do now? Talk about dreams?

I had a dream a little while before 9/11 about being on an airplane that was about to crash. Was it psychic?

It was, but about an incident on another plane. You were not there someone you knew from a past life was.

I wondered about the incident, wondered about the dream, and wondered what it would be like to be on a plane that was going to crash, and be sad and scared, because I was about to die.

Hello. This is the spirit of the incident you are thinking of. Do not think of me in a happy way, please. I am not a happy incident. This is a sad incident that should not be remembered at all. Please, think of me as the dark incident that I am. I am a dark incident.

I got a horrible, horrible feeling and tried to make the incident go away. It was the energy of the incident.

Geez, what a life. This is getting goofy. Gooofy.

Chapter

We went to Bridgeport, an upscale shopping center near my house. We had sushi for lunch. Afterwards, I got a Red Bull from Barnes and Noble and sat down in the spiritual book section.

Now we don't want you to be tempted, my guides said. Into the dark arts. There is some dark, fowl magic out there. It would be easy for you to learn. That kind of stuff has far-reaching consequences. Let's look for a book.

We searched for a particular book for awhile, found a few, with no intention of buying any of them. I took one last swig of my Red Bull, and some foreign object entered my mouth. I took it out, and it was a yucky, yucky bug. Ewww! I said. Ewww! I said. And cried a little.

Well, at least this would make a good facebook status, I thought. I went into the other section and made it my facebook status.

I threw out the can and left, still disgusted. There was a problem as I walked. The spirit of the bug had entered my body. I had to do something about this. My spiritual defenses had become weakened when I was grossed out by the bug in my mouth.

The bug spoke to me. “I didn't like that situation either. Do you want to be friends?”

Not really, no. I said to the bug.

We don't need to be, I thought it would be a good idea for both of us.

I was a bit ambivalent though, because I never shy away from having new friends. I didn't think this bug thing was a good thing.

We walked over to a bench and sat down. The bug kept talking to me. It told me a story about living on the planet dirt. When it finished, it expected a laugh. It was bug humor, not human humor.

He started sending me creepy energy. It was supposed to be love. It felt like bad energy that needed sweeping under the rug. I had to do a spell to get rid of it. I did quite a few. A lady was staring at me funny as I was saying a bunch of random words under my breath, so I got up and left. I walked away, and my guides told me, do you want this bug out of your body? YES! I said back. Then mean it! Tell it to get lost!

“I don't want you here, you're not welcome, get out!” I told the bug sternly.

It proceeded to leave. Do another spell, my guides told me.

I did another spell.

There. Now it's gone.

Later that night, I was sitting watching TV when the spirit of the bug came to talk to me again. It said, “I wish you'd understand that I like you, so don't pretend I hate you ever.”

I told it about the creepy bug “love,” which was the energy it tried to send me. They said you need to help the bug cross over! It needs help! It's bug guides didn't return to help yet! They might not, and it will bug you for a long time!

Okay, how do you help a bug cross over?

Same way as a human soul, only instead of “look up,” you say “look down.” They go to a different place.

Look down! Go into the light! I instructed the bug.

That's not my friend talking, that's a helper! And it went down to the other side for bugs.

Later, the bug came to me in spirit. It told me it liked my style. Help from a bug would be appreciated by you, I can help you understand the ways of the smallest creatures. Then, it started sending guiding energy.

You don't want energy from bugs ever, said my spirit guides. It's creepy as all hell.

Bahh!! Creepy energy!

Tell it to fuck off, said my guides.

I don't want to be mean!

It's just a dumb bug, you can be mean! It's harming you!

I'm sorry but your bug energy is mean to me, stop sending it! I don't want to be your friend!

It continues to send guiding energy, until I told it I hated bugs and they made me sick.

But you made a bug game! You love bugs!

That was something you didn't grasp. I hate bugs.

But you made a bug game!

I didn't mean it that way!

He left, and was gone.

We went to the mall to buy a bracelet. As I walked, the spirits instructed me that this was a good luck bracelet. Not luck as in good fortune, luck as in their ability to see me. They were not having trouble, but it would be easier with a good luck bracelet. We went to JC Penney, and found the bracelet they were looking for. It was a clover bracelet. I purchased it.

As we walked, they told me another story. There was a girl named Rachel. She lived with her parents. She understood spirit talk. When she woke up one morning, she could converse with the spirits like anyone who was psychic, When she woke up the next morning, she was even more psychic, and could converse with lots and lots of dead people. When she woke up the third morning, her parents took away her bracelet, and then she couldn't converse with the spirits anymore.

I didn't like that story, I told them. They said it was a good spirit humor story. A good spirit humor story.

It was not, they were joking. They did that.

Another thing they told me was that they were good friends with Elvis Presley. He lived in a bungalow in the ocean, and loved sea people. When he woke up one morning, he was all alone, and the sea people were gone!

No! Not that! Why are you telling me these horror stories?

Do not lose this bracelet, it makes it easier for us to see you.

Chapter

When are we going to go to the mall again? I asked my guides.

Not today, we are going to do some walking in heels again. It is time to let the heel luck gods do magic on your feet, take off your shoes. When we were done, it was time to go on the computer again and write a facebook status. As I was sitting on my bed, my big toe was curled under my foot. In the distance, I heard “bad heel luck! Bad heel luck!” My toe curled under was bad heel luck, and the Heel Luck Gods were warning me. I uncurled my big toe.

We decided to go to the mall again. As we walked, my guides informed me that I was not going to be without my party-hardy attitudes for too long. Before long, Melvin and I would get together, and drink alcohol and be merry. When this happened, they would not let me go out in public and breathe oxygen, because on this plane, increased oxygen consumption is necessary. We walked to the food court to get an energy drink. When a girl looked me up and down, I smiled and said hello. I went to Spencer's to look at the clothes. When I saw t-shirts with Tupac's face, I was reminded of how much I loved Tupac and wanted to talk to him.

When I got home, I asked about Tupac. They said he was here right now. He wanted me to look at my music, he had a few things to say. First, he liked the song Soldier by Eminem. But he didn't like the song Purple Pills. He had me look up the lyrics to see why. He hated the line, “stuff my nose with coke,” and the line, “I pop four E's at one time.”

“Only dumbfucks pop four E's at one time.”

He had a song for me to listen to, by him. The song Trading War Stories. I looked it up and remembered it. When Ted had lived at our house, he had listened to Tupac all the time. This was my favorite Tupac song! I downloaded it right away and started listening to it.

But when I listened to it, there was a problem. It was heavily edited and blipped. It sounded wretched. It interfered with the happiness of listening to the song. I told Tupac this. He said, “I think it's fine.” Later, my guides told me he was actually pissed.

Help Like Jesus: Part 28

Well, what are we doing today, Salioness? My spirit guides asked me.

It's up to you, you're in charge, I replied.

We think you better stop asking us what to do, and do things yourself. We think it's a good day for awesome fun in the sun.

What?

Fun in the sun! We love that phrase in the spirit world! Everyone does!

I hate that phrase. It's dumb.

Well, you're not with us yet, are you?

What are we really going to do today?

Believe in love.

Really?

Not really. Get your computer and go work on your book.

I feel deathly ill, from all the Adderall withdrawals and such.

Well, that's no good. Maybe you should pop a presciption ativan.

That will not help my concentration issues.

It will not, but it will keep you from doing the dwerp de dwerp.

True that.

Well, what do you want to do today?

Eat some food at the Quickee Mart.

You need to watch your weight, my dear. We think you will understand why you have to breathe oxygen if you don't know how to work it in the garden. We understand your weight problem, it is a pressing problem. But right now, you are ascending! Wooh! Ascension!

What are you talking about?

Spiritual planes. There are many of them. Whenever something weird happens to you, it is because you are ascending spiritual planes. Like back in 2007, for example. We put you on the meth head plane. Back in 2007, we wanted to help you out so we took you off the meth head plane and put you on the other funny plane there is no name for that is used as a precursor to enlightenment. That was your, “enlightenment.” We told you that at the time, that's why you got that word in your head. You didn't know you would reach enlightenment before that, that's why when we told you, you made that little puppy conscious!

You mean I'm going to reach enlightenment?

You did already. Back after you were in the hospital and you went through dark night of the soul. We didn't tell you that, did you? When you remembered that you were the only one on Earth, that was true dark night of the soul. Not what is written about it, the origin of the term.

I reached enlightenment already? What? I feel hardly different at all!

Not really, but a pillar of enlightenment. When you reach the next pillar, it will be music to your ears. You will be at peace, everyone will think you are having a good life. And you will be smart as a jiffy.

When will this happen?

During the guardianship trial, before the final hearing. When you are living on your own. It's not a pretty process, enlightenment. But it is marvelous.

When will I die?

Someday, when you are around 57. You will be shot. You knew this already, didn't you?

I did, somewhat. When will I become one with myself again?

You need to attach another energy cord. An ego cord. You lost your ego in dark night.

An ego cord?! But I wanted that puppy out the window!

Be that as it may, your ego is helpful. You understand little of how it works, the ego. It is absolutely essential. So, right now, energy work!

I lay down and thought hard and deep.

Okay, right here. Imagine a cord. Now, put wings on it. Now, happy! Happy! HAPPY!

Poof!

There, your ego is now an energy cord. One more cord to get rid of. The Waterworld cord.

What's that?

The water rising dreams. We attached a lovely cord to give you nightmares. Yes, they do have to do with global warming. No, they are not realistic. Yes, this is a real issue, global warming, but it's not going to flood the Earth. So, snippy snippy!

I cut the cord.

Did you want to do something else, Salioness?

Like what?

We could tell you how to talk to objects. It's not that fun, but it is interesting for people who have never done it before. First, look right there, at that box. Now, ask it to talk to you.

I did so.

What? I said out loud, speaking from the perspective of the box.

How are you? I asked.

Not so! The box responded.

What are you doing?

Making fun!

What does it mean?

Little at all!

What do you talk to other objects about?

Coconuts!

That's it. We're done. They do talk to other objects, we don't know what they talk about. They always say coconuts. Except some say bread, and others say cereal. Let's do something else now. Look up there, at those plates. They need help. Objects hate being used for purposes other than there intended purpose. Tell them that they would rather be decorations than plates. It will improve the energy of the room a little bit.

One by one, I talked to the plates. When I got the third one, it told me it was scared, it was up so high! I told it to relax. When I got to the last one, it said it was afraid of a spirit in the room. A very, very dark spirit. It was going to use some intense magic to get rid of the spirit.

Do objects really have magic? I asked.

They do, but it is very weak and ineffective.

Let's use your old picture trick a little bit. Talk to the pictures, open the portal, and ask questions.

I drew up a picture of Crystal. Breathing deeply, I opened the portal. She said hi.

Do you understand your fate, you will become an object?

I do not. I don't believe in the purpose of those things.

If you were an object, would you like to be used for purposes other than your intended purpose?

I think so. Because I'd like to be... violated.

I closed the portal. We laughed, really hard.

Why does she say she wants to be violated? Someone asked.

She is into kinky, kinky things.

Help Like Jesus: Part 26

We walked to the Quickee Mart for an energy drink and a salad. While I ate, I decided not to eat anymore food, because my weight was going up. I was worried about that. My guides told me, do not worry, it is only temporary weight associated with double puberty. When I got home, I watched the Simpsons on TV. I laughed a little at the jokes. Wow! Laughter at the television! I wasn't used to this.

Then I watched to Big Bang Theory, and laughed the whole time. My dad made a comment about it. “I heard you laughing down there,” he said suspiciously. “I was just watching TV,” I told him.

Weird. He thought it was weird that I was laughing. When I laughed now, I relaxed more in the muscles in my laughter place. It happened because I was going off Adderall. Adderall did that to most people, suppressed laughter and emotion.

I went home from the gym, and walked to a bench a little ways away from my house, and sipped a coffee. My guides told me something.

Okay, we want to tell you something about Melvin. When you see him, he's going to try to put something in your mouth.

I was startled. His penis? The obvious answer.

No, not your mouth. Your mouth!

My mouth?

Your mental mouth!

What's the mental mouth?

Your place of ideas!

My thought processes?

Not really, he is going to try to get you to accept something. We will tell you what it is if you guess correctly.

Upon guessing, I discovered what they thought he would say. I was Jesus Christ. Seemed kind of unlikely, I told them. They said you might think so now, but wait until after the guardianship trial, when you are famous and doing wonderful things for the world!

I don't believe it, but what is your purpose?

It is not true. Don't believe it, Salioness. Don't believe it! You are not Jesus! Keep telling yourself that! You are not Jesus!

I finished my coffee and walked home. On the way, I watched a bird lay and egg. It was pretty intense, but the labor pains won out and the bird keeled over and died. I picked up the egg and took it home and set it on the mantle. Later the egg hatched and became a butterfly, and flew away home!

We sat in the family room. My guides had something to tell me.

Look right there. That's a genie bottle. We understand why you like I Dream of Jeannie, your sister likes it too. This is why she likes you, because you both like it.

Look right there. It's a stuffed moose. Remember the time your grandma gave you a moose, you didn't want it until your sister indicated that she wanted it, then you decided you would rather have it and took it home and slept with it and she tried to steal it from your bed? That is why she doesn't like you. It made her really angry.

Look right there. It's an easter basket. The Easter bunny is actually a real bunny, and lives alone with no one to talk to until Easter, when he comes out and pretends to give eggs to all the children....

What? That's not true!

No, it's not. It was funny, though. We want that in your book.

It wasn't that funny.

We do get Earth humor, but not that well. It's not the same as our humor.

What's a funny joke to you?

We'll tell you one. Your mom's a bitch, she washes dishes, she's a witch!

That's not funny!

It's not really a funny Earth joke, but it is a well-known one.

I was lying in the computer room when I got a cord headed toward me. It was a little cord. My guides said it was Melvin, picking an egg. We waited, he picked one. Then he picked another. Then he tried to book another, for he wanted three children. I wouldn't let him pick three.

Watch it. They are easy to pick, hard to remove. If you don't have these kids with him, bad things happen.

What happens?

Nothing for you, but it is very bad luck for us, and in turn you.

I went to the nail salon, and they were working on my feet. As I worked, I felt all the negativity work out of my back muscles as I sat on the back massager. When they were done, my guides informed me of something.

He tried to pick another egg while you were sitting here. We blocked it.

As I walked, I felt sprinkles come down on my uterus. Melvin was blessing my uterus.

When I left the house the next morning, God spoke to me. He told me to wash my mouthwash items for they hold an evil power. I looked up. It was starting to rain. He told me, watch out, make out with a man, and your guides will not like you anymore.

We were walking down the street, when a police car stopped. It turned around, did a U-turn. As we watched it, my guides said that that was the police giving up hope on our house. They were serious.

As we left the house another night, my guides told me I was living the lifestyle of a rich famous transexual, and I should do my hair and makeup to celebrate the rising of the unleavened bread. When I got up the next morning, I did my hair and makeup. We looked at the picture of my beauty, and told the men to back down and suffocate on breadcrumbs, for only a prince like Melvin was worthy of me.

I didn't like Chance all that much. I wondered why I thought I did. They told me he attached a wonky romance cord to me. We needed to get rid of them! I sat down on the side of the road and got rid of all the wonky romance cords from Melvin to me. They made me want him to like me with a sense of paranoia and suicidal ideations if he did not.

That's not really what they did though. More than anything else, they wanted me to please him in an emotional sense more than anyone else on the planet. I had the same cord attached to me, via Brandon. On a very deep subconscious level, men and women send out very strong, wonky romance cords to unsuspecting victims. People attach, thinking it means they are going to be in a romantic relationship with them. My guides called them joke cords, meaning they were joking when they sent out these cords. They were horrific cords to have attached to you. I had the same cord attached by Brandon and Melvin both. It was a cord to make me care more about their opinion than anyone else's. They were horrific, very unsexy, the way they made you feel like you had to please this one person all the time, everywhere you went. Does this please master? Does this please master? Over and over and over again. Then, there were never any moments when you could take back the decision to attach these horrific, unsexy cords. These cords were so bad it was hard to imagine why Melvin kept trying to attach the same wonky romance cord to me night after night, over and over and over again. The same one. Night after night. When I was already feeling kind of obsessive and neurotic about how much I wanted him to like me. This is what made times at Innercept so hard, I had a very, very, incredibly active one attached to Brandon, and he hated me. So night after night, day after day, I knew he hated me and that tore me open and killed me very softly inside because I liked him, he hated me, I had this wonky romance cord attached to me, and he did not ever talk to me ever to tell me he didn't actually hate me he just didn't want anymore messages from a deluded person. After I left Innercept, my guides had cut this cord. Promptly, Melvin attached the same cord. Then, I proceeded to put some energy into liking him, as I did not want to be obsessed with Brandon anymore. This worked all too well. Now I had the same problem with Melvin. No, it wasn't as bad, because I knew Melvin liked me. Still, we were not in a relationship, and we never spoke anymore. I was just worried all the time that I needed to have a good facebook status to impress. It was really bad. And then, night after night, he proceeded to send the same wonky romance cord because he didn't know that it worked all too well. I attached several of them, but after awhile, I had decided I didn't need anymore of his wonky romance cords. Early in my life, I had had a wonky romance cord attached to me by Melvin, back in the eighth grade. Back then, it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't a very powerful one, and I didn't put a whole lot of energy into liking him. I remember the dreams though, and stuff of that nature that was obnoxious but it wasn't a big deal. Later, when I started high school, my guides cut this wonky romance cord in one fall swoop. Then, when I sent him the Weird Zombie Girl friend requests, he attached more. Over and over again, in and out and in and out. I wondered why he felt the desire to send so many wonky romance cords but never actually talk to me ever. He told me on the spiritual plane he was busy. He wanted to, but he was busy. Always busy.

Time to listen to music, we have a song for you!

Is it the Kesha song?

Not the Kesha song, we know how much you like that song. It is another song you like a lot.

Ever since I got back from the hospital, I always wanted to listen to the Kesha song. They said it was okay, I was no longer in that spiritual state which requires abstinence from the Kesha song. It was a good song to romp around and pretend to be a girly girl to.

I picked up my iPhone. Like always, three different artists called out to me. It went Eminem, Coldplay, Nickelback. Eminem, because he wanted to talk to me about the guardianship trial. Coldplay, because they wanted to be more appreciated and were calling out to me for help. Nickelback, because of the energy of the band. Over pushing their songs on the radio, trying to get more air play. They had a bunch of really awful songs that were overplayed on the radio all the time, without looking at how it would affect their image. That's why everyone hated Nickelback. Crappy overplayed songs on the radio.

It's none of those artists, which you hate so much. It is time for a good song by Lady Gaga. Now, watch your rhythm and harmony box, we are going to dance!

I danced around to the song Telephone by Lady Gaga. We danced together, made rainbows, and watched airplanes fly overhead. When everything was done and done, we ate bread and played hopscotch.

It was time to watch television. I watched Cspan and drank coffee. My guides told me that the same things I enjoyed on Adderall, I would enjoy off Adderall. Like watching the news and drinking coffee. It was fun, we learned about the environment, and afterwards, we read the bible and did some bible verses.

When all was said and done, things were good. Things were great. Things were fantastic.

Help Like Jesus: Part 24

We started doing a new type of energy work, something like spell work, but my guides said it was not, it was energy work. I would lie on my bed, and mutter words under my breath, and think of someone, and it would do work on them. Common words, words learned early in life, like numbers, pizza, cat, dog, harmony, peace, love. I was doing a bunch of this random muttering of common words one day, when I felt a prickly feeling.

My guides informed me that that's the feeling you get when you are on the receiving end of certain spells. Someone picked up on it, and doesn't like your use of energy work. They are casting a spell. Move! Move!

So I was running around the house, dodging the spell. I went and sat somewhere else. It went away for awhile, then happened again. I got the prickly feeling again. Time to move again. It kept happening. I kept having to run around the house, dodging the spell.

Go for a walk! They will get you anywhere in the house!

I went outside and walked around. I got a different feeling.

That's the feeling you get when they are backing off.

What kind of spell are they casting?

But when I got back to the house again, it started again. I had to leave with my parents and run some errands. When I got back, I didn't know it was back again. I was sitting on the bed, craving lemon chicken. We had already eaten.

That's the spell. The spell was, make your body crave foods it doesn't need. Do a spell to get rid of it. That is one of the spells they cast. The other one they've been trying to cast is one that makes you lack energy, so that you will stay in one place.

I did several spells, and got rid of it.

They kept trying to cast it. I went to bed that night, and woke up the next morning craving waffles.

Your body doesn't need waffles. You need to remove the spell again.

I did so. They backed off for awhile. Then, later on, we were doing energy work again. They asked me who I wanted to do energy work on. I suggested the spellworkers, because they were miserable. So we did some energy work to make them less miserable. It was my dumbass idea I thought when I was lying in my bed in an altered state and not thinking very well.

Immediately, the spells started again. I was running around the house again, dodging the spell. This lasted all night, that night too. I ran, and ran, and ran, over, and over, and over again. I got mad. I started telling my guides, “This is a bit too paranoid schizophrenic for my tastes. I don't really believe this, but I do.”

After awhile of running around, dodging the spell, I was sitting on a chair when I started randomly talking out loud.

“I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's going on... But I'm mad! I think it' something bad, I think it's something mean to the world... I want it gone! I want it gone! No more of this bullshit! It is horrific, what you are going to do to the world! It is going to change everything! Do not let it happen! We need you out of our lives! Please, destroy it!”

I told him not to be bothered by it, I was okay. This was good. He said, do not do it. I said, I am not a problem, I am the solution. And he said, we need you gone. I said, be one with me. And then he was gone.

And it was done.

We can talk to his guides. Want to? My guides suggested.

Of course!

Who are you? I asked his guide.

Rachel. Brandon. Wait, I don't know.

Why are you doing this?

For your good.

Why?

You're wrong?

What does the world need?

More structure.

What helps the world?

War.

Why?

It brings peace.

Why does it do that?

Peace creates war?

At this point, the connection was lost.

It's the classic case of the inexperienced guides. They have no idea what he is, what he does, but they like it. He is a good person, so they like him. He is done now. Don't expect him to do anymore spells. But we need to warn you. This is not the end of the road. There will be a lot more spells. You are seen as a menace to society by a lot of people, so they are going to try to stop you. Don't worry, we will help you protect yourself.

Believe, Rachel. You are the messiah. We would like you to believe it. Really believe it. Do you?

I do, but not really. I mean, I believe it to the best of my abilities.

Well, that's all. We need help from you. Do something about that spirit right there. Swear at it. Get mad.

Fuck! Shit! Damn!

That didn't work, try again.

Suck a cock!

There you go. Those words had power. Now, we need you to do something about the spirit over there. Say it again.

I did. It left.

Now, we are going to do some more energy work. This time, we are going to say words that have meaning to you only, and you repeat them. We will tell you subconsciously what words to say, you will say them out loud, and then, kaboom! Like a spell, only it is not a spell. It is energy work.

Let's do one on Adam. Adam and Eve, Rob Zombie, poof!

I did so. When I did so, I felt energy emenate from my mind and surround Adam's place on the spiritual plane.

We did this for awhile, and then, we were done. We did energy work on a lot of different people, who called out to me subconsciously to ask for it. My mind was apparently so powerful, I could just sit in my room on the bed and mutter words under my breath, and it would have a positive effect on the people I am thinking of.

We walked to the store and bought a Red Bull. When we got back, we opened a box of cookies for carbohydrates. I was deficient in calories, they said. They told me I was losing weight at the same time. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. They told me to pinch the fat with my fingers. I did so.

You are burning fat here. We can tell when you pinch where you are burning fat from. Pinch somewhere else.

I pinched all around. Apparently, I was burning fat from my stomach and face and a little from my arms, but not my legs or nether regions.

A little while later, after getting frustrated when they told me this over and over again and I saw no weight loss, some guides from somewhere else told my guides that it was just a rumor that you could use the pinchy method.

When I went to the bathroom, I would look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes, when I was showering and naked. I would ask Melvin what he thought of my body. He could see a little through my eyes, and he told me I was looking fantastic. Better than most of the women he screws on a daily basis, he said.

Help Like Jesus: Part 25

What are we doing tonight, Rachel? We are not going to go to the mall again, are we? You used all your money? The mall it is! We went to the mall, ate steak at the Cheesecake Factory. A girl looked at me while I was talking to myself. I told her to stop looking at me in the mirror without permission, subconsciously. She looked at my hands. They were dirty and I wasn't washing them. They were not going to be washed since I didn't wash my hands after I went to the restroom. I looked at her and smiled. She walked away and laughed to herself at my inept ability to wash hands. She laughed so long it hurt her insides and she keeled over on the way out, and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. When she got home from the hospital, she couldn't wash her hands either because she lacked finger dexterity. At least, that's what my guides told me. As we were walking down the corridor, a man looked at me funny and smiled. He liked my attitude. My guides had been doing work on my aura. I noticed people staring at me funny, not because I was talking to myself, because I didn't always do that. My guides had put something else in my aura, something more noticeable than the Jesus rays. They said it was a certain sparkle. I looked at myself in the mirror, at my spiritually intelligent features. I was now proud of my appearance, now that they had told me I was spiritually intelligent looking. I walked out the door to meet my father and he was not there, so I left and walked over to the other side of the mall. I bought some ice cream and ate it without thinking too deeply about the food being consumed. We looked at the side of a building and shuttered. It showed a girl wearing little more than a thong, bra, and robe. What a mess, they told me. I thought that must be so embarrassing to be on the side of a store and have no clothes on but a robe. She looked at me and grinned, and I rubbed my leg and breathed heavily to show hunger of a sexual sort. I walked to the other end of the mall, and a girl whispered her name to herself. She said it so loudly I could hear subconsciously. I whispered my name to her, we locked eyes and breathed simultaneously. Then, I walked to the car to meet my dad. He told me he was going to pick me up, subconsciously. I looked at him. He was mad. I had taken too long, bought too much ice cream, and wore the wrong shoes for walking long distances. Look, I am only a woman of strong mental character. We like clothes that fit well, don't ride up along the seams, and wear out slowly. Then, a girl named Mariah spoke to me and told me I was not going to make it in the world because I was over the limit of my mental capacity in what I was about to do. She picked up that I was not that intelligent because I like Britney Spears. We went back to the house. When I got there, a girl was waiting for me named Margaret. She told me I was her mother, and she needed to go home from the play place. She looked at me and grinned, without eyes or a mouth or nostrils or anything of that sort. I looked at her and smiled, but did not see her, as she was invisible. I told her not to bother me, her mom was dead. Go home, babe. Go home. Then, we walked to the Quickee Mart. When we got there, an angel was waiting there. She told me I was the woman who was going to help rid the world of her problems, not hers, the worlds. When I got done with my energy drink, I licked the insides of the can and walked home. When I got home, we went on facebook, and my guides informed me of which guys on my facebook friend's list thought menstrual fluid was just blood. I laughed at their ignorance. Then, they told me which guys had misconceptions about the female sex experience. Which men thought the labia had the same sensations as the clitorus, which men thought sex for women was better because of the extreme tightness of the vagina and the intensity a woman must feel upon the penis entering... stuff to that regard. There were quite a few different misconceptions. I laughed at their ignorance. Then, my guides told me that I had a misconception about the male sex experience. I thought that sex for men must be better without lube, because it makes the vagina seem tighter. I stopped smiling and hung my head. I knew that, on a conscious level, sex without proper lubrication is uncomfortable for men. But on a subconscious level, I thought it would be better without lube. Chapter When I woke up one morning, there was a baby waiting for me. I had said previously how much I hate babies. They remind me of child molestation. When I look at parents oohing and ahhing over babies, I think of perverts sexually interested in children. I would not know if I wanted a kid, I might, but I wouldn't like them as babies. So now, here it was, a baby trying to enter my heart. “I want to help you! You need help loving us! We are cute! You should like us! Wahhh! It makes me unhappy that you don't like us! Wahhhh!” I don't want a baby in me, dammit. That is dumb. I hate babies. Yeah, a baby probably isn't a good idea, Salioness, my guides told me. “I want you to understand us! We are little people! You were a baby once! You need help understanding that babies are good, just underdeveloped mentally! Waaahhhh!” Get lost! Get lost! Get lost! Out! I moved around a little so the baby could not enter my heart. After awhile, it left. My guides told me that that was a really good idea not to let a baby enter your heart. If you let a baby enter your heart, it will make you act selfish and immature. A little while later, the angel Moroni came to me to talk. “I was just playing when I told Joseph Smith that stuff! I didn't expect him to believe me!” He was laughing pretty hard. Was that really the angel Moroni? I asked my guides. We do not know that. But we do know one thing. Moroni was a joking angel. He could very well have come to Joseph Smith in a joking manner, we don't know if that was really him though. Chapter You should talk to Erik. He is going to be a key player in the guardianship trial. What should I talk to him about? Channeling? No, not channeling, my guides told me. Masturbating, a spirit whispered behind me. I sent out a wisp from my chakra to get it off. We laughed a little bit. That was a funny one, you should cross that one over. I called him back, and crossed him over. Later, I was downstairs in the kitchen. Get some more coffee, now. Should I brush my teeth afterwards? Later. What do I need now? Plastic surgery, a spirit said behind me. I brushed him off. That was a mean spirit. The kind we don't want in heaven. As I was walking to the Quickee Mart, I was approached from behind by a spirit. Who are you? I asked the spirit. PCP. Why are you talking to me? I am trying to tell you that you would be better off doing PCP. What do you mean? This experience would be better on PCP. What was that about? My guides answered me, the spirits of different things can come and tell you things too, like brands, fictional characters, etc. They don't have consciousness, but the energy created by the idea is very real and acts like programmed energy in this state. One time, after a session of energy work, Superman came to tell me I was acting too much like him, get your own career! Another time, after I hadn't done energy work for awhile, he came to tell me I wasn't acting enough like him, step up my game a little. When I was at the farmer's market that one day, escaping the spell onslaughts, Santa Claus told me he liked me better than his friends like him. I was lying on my bed when I heard “Abercrombie and Fitch” softly in my ear. Hi. Who are you? Abercrombie and Fitch. What do you want to say? You are not the kind of person I want wearing my clothes. What's wrong with me? You're not beautiful. And... Not rich? No, that's a good one, but not what I mean. Popular? No. Stuck up? Exactly. You are supposed to be excessively stuck up. A bunch of random spiritual things of this sort came to me, but they weren't inventive enough to be very interesting at all, mostly. I was getting rid of unneeded crush cords when I heard the words “eighth grade.” Who are you? Eighth grade. What do you have to say? I liked you. You were interesting. Why did you like me? You liked people more than you like them now. Later, I hear the word “azkaban.” I like your style. What do you mean? You used to be mean to me now you're not mean anymore. Why was I mean to you? You didn't like the idea of me. That's not the spirit of Azkaban, that's just a spirit. The spirits are getting creative! Chapter I went in to see my psychiatrist again. I was desperate, desperate, desperate to get my invega reduced, so I could get a high similar to that on Adderall. This was fun. I was having a good time, a little bit. But... I didn't feel good on a chemical level, my neurotransmitters were out of whack, and I don't like the idea of being on a medication that increases my appetite, makes me tired, and makes me less creative. So, I asked again. Can I have an Invega reduction? He was for it, but hesitant. He looked at my aura. It was glowing, beautiful, and I was starting to develop a halo. He knew this was a good sign, though he didn't know what the colors actually meant. He told me no. We had to wait on this one. It was too soon out of the hospital. He believed that I was talking to my spirit guides, though I didn't tell him a whole lot about that. When I left, I was downtrodden. I had tried, to no avail. We went to Dr. Winkelman, my naturopath. He would zap my brain, getting rid of the brain damage from the Geodon and the antidepressants, as well as from other various medications I had taken. My guides said most of the damage was from Geodon. I knew this to be true, because I knew it had fucked me up badly being on Geodon, to the point where I would not understand how my brain functioned so poorly. When I got to the naturopaths, I was walking up the staircase, ahead of my mom. Bob Marley whispered in my ear, “I will help you, if you want me to.” I smiled. “How can you help me?” “I know a lot about how to sway the masses in your favor. And I can prepare you for your fate when the time comes.” I smiled and said okay. “You can help me, I'd like that.” I walked up the rest of the staircase, and into the naturopath's office for a zapping, where we went over the possible causes of my relapse, including excessive nicotine consumption and energy drink use. My mom believed these were the culprits behind my “relapse.” When I got home from the naturopath, I went to the Quickee Mart. I saw a man in a car wave at me and wondered if it was because he thought I was attractive. I asked my guides. He liked the way you looked. Not in a sexual way, but because there was something appealing about your aura. We bought an energy drink, sat down and gulped. My guides told me something important. You need to stop worrying about the invega. He will take you off it soon. We think. God said you don't have to go off it yet. But you will soon. God told you this? Yes. You can talk to God, if you want. I went home, and went up to my room, to talk to God. Find God. He is right here. Kind of tricky to reach. After groping around in the dark for awhile, I established a connection to God. Hello, Rachel. You are my favorite. I wanted to tell you that. I love you more than I love anyone else on Earth. Really? Yes. I love Melvin just as much though, and Adam in a different way. Do you love everyone? No, I hate quite a few people, and dislike quite a few more. Do you like Brandon? No, I hate that guy. He is a whiney bastard. Do you like my mom? I love your mom, she is so caring! Do you like George W Bush? I love him very much. I have something to tell you. We are friends. You are going to eat sugar a little bit less now that you are out of that state you were in a couple days ago. Now, I need you to stop worrying so much about your weight. It will come off. I think you need to stop worrying about the Invega, as well. We will get you off that stuff. Another thing is, you are good at what you do in the restroom, because it means more cavities and more toothpaste in the long run. What? I need to brush my teeth? Not really, I was joking. Your body does not make cavities anymore, you have fought off the microorganisms that cause tooth decay. You still need to brush your teeth though, that's grody. What else do I need to know? I want to see you with your mind in the gutter a little bit more, masturbating. You have a lot of sexual energy that needs to be gotten rid of, and you are not doing that. But I don't want to, they are watching me! Get over it, they always watch you! Another thing, I am the God of the bible, ask me anything. Is everything in the bible true? The new testament is true. The old testament is mythology, mostly. Some stories are based on real people, some are made up. I did not make them up, I got a spirit in that works well with fictional stories and literature. I know you want to know about the food rules, there were food rules back in the day. Not the same ones established in Leviticus, though. Those are not the original food rules. I took them back for spiritual reasons, something about something akin to spiritual planes, like what you are going through. There was a spiritual shift that meant their bodies were better equipped at handling those foods. Did Jesus really perform miracles? Not miracles, stuff that looked like miracles but really wasn't. Stuff you would call miracles if you understood it, so yes. Did Jesus really feed thousands with just a couple fish and loaves of bread? Not really, but yes. He fed more than you would expect with little food, it was greatly exaggerated in the bible. What did Jesus do after he died? He came up to heaven, met me, we had a few laughs, and he watched for quite awhile before moving on to another dimension. Were you good friends? Not the best, but pretty damn close, like you and I. One more thing. You need more happiness in your life, do not hesitate to watch the Simpsons never again, you don't like that show anymore. Watch South Park. Chapter Well, Salioness. Time to wonder about Marvin. Who's Marvin? Your boyfriend from a past life. He's calling out to you. Well, well, well. Where are you now, little girl? I'm on the Earth plane doing a mission. You are so good, aren't you, little girl? Well, pretend, dear boy. You and I are through. It's over. Well, well, well, little girl. When are you going to deliver the sermon on marital sex? Never, dear boy. That was it. I was sitting downstairs, when I heard someone in my mind yell, “shallow!” What was that? I asked. Someone from a past life was accusing you of being shallow. A lover. Why would he say something like that? Because of your boyfriend Brandon, and his hot body. That's not why I like him. We know. He is just being an asshole. I was walking outside when I heard a funny woofing noise. My guides told me it was my dog from a past life. Woof woof woof My friend Rachel is having a fun time woof woof woof! What is that dog saying? I asked. It says it loves you, Salioness. I was walking to the store, when I heard a dog saying my name over and over again. I asked what that was. They said it was my lover's dog pretending I was there. “What are you doing, Rachel?” my mom asked me as I was lying awake in the computer room, lusting over Melvin because they told me it was okay. “Making sure I leave a little room on the couch for my pillowcase,” I said. “Okay, don't sleep too long!” Chapter I was walking down the street, and an angel entered me from behind. It said I needed help with my body's ability to fight infection. The rapid change in spiritual planes was creating havoc in my body. When I got to Potbelly, I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I watched myself in the mirror as an angel entered my body. It told me I needed help with my cardiovascular system. On the way back, the angels told me I was doing well but needed more fluids. When I got back to the house, I went up to my room. I was sitting in my annex, or my office, when ghosts started appearing around me. This is a very ghostly room, we noticed. When I got back to my regular room, we did some energy work. We cut the cord to one of the ideas in quantum mechanics. I didn't understand it on a subconscious level. The idea was something related to how you need a whole mirror to see one piece of the reflection. If you cut it, it still work, but each piece of the reflection uses the whole mirror to show, I mistook that on a subconscious to mean if you cut it it didn't work. Not really, but subconsciously... and it was translating over to my use of nicotine gum. I didn't like cutting them in half, because it made them ineffective, because of the rule in quantum mechanics, on a subconscious level. It removed some of the placebo effect of the gum, making it not effect me as much when I cut the 4 milligram pieces in half. So I cut that cord, yep I did. I created a cord between my mother and my father of happy love. Not a love cord, they told me that it is rare for a married couple to have a love cord. I know one married couple who has a love cord, and only one. My best childhood friends, Patty and Debi, had parents who have a love cord. My guides told me one time that they liked the song The Sweetest Thing by U2 because it reminded them of their parents, because they were very much in love. They told me I have two love cords, not romantic love, friendship love. One to Matthew. Another to a random guy I met at the dorms once. We apparently hit it off and created a love cord. Later, we did not stay in touch. We now have a love cord. Funny, they said. You don't know him. But we aren't going to get rid of it, because removing those kinds of cords is bad practice. I also followed a cord they wanted me to follow. I could also follow cords with my mind to see who they were attached to. This is a happy cord. Follow it! My guides said. I followed the happy cord. When I got to the end, I saw a man with red hair. It was Carrot Top. You have a happy cord to Carrot Top! One more cord. A happy cord. I followed the cord. It went to Courtney Love. You also have a happy cord to Courtney Love! When we were through, I went back to my random place in my mind where I held my secret crush of Eminem. He is a good guy, but he has problems dealing with people. We love him, he is a great guy. He is very underestimated by society for his great powers in the mind. No, he does not hate women. And no, it's not his mom, that makes him act that way, or Kim. It's because of the way groupies treat him. They are disgusting, groupies. He does not respect them at all. They throw themselves at him. That's why he says mean things about women. He is a good guy for friendship with you. We think he would like you. When we did the picture trick with you, we just threw that in for good measure. We don't really think he wouldn't like you. He is my friend, I told them. Don't be mean when it comes to people I really, really like. He will be your friend, but don't tell him you like him in any way except as friends. He would not be a good romantic partner for you.

Help Like Jesus: Part 23

Seven, one, eighteen, fourteen!

Now, another one!

Cat, dog, pizza, french fries!

It went on like this for awhile, until I had done enough spells, according to them, to protect me, for now. With each spell, I chose the incantation carefully. With the last word, I felt energy release and envelope my body.

I had to pee. “Don't go back, find a restroom somewhere else.”

Why did that happen?

We should have warned you about things like this. There are people in this country who already wish you harm. They don't know who you are, they don't know what you are going to do in the world. All they know is they don't like it. They see you going to a farmer's market, because they pick up on it, very, very subconsciously. And they think, hippie liberal. And they think you are the messiah, a hippie liberal messiah, and they don't want that. So they start casting spells subconsciously.

Wow. So apparently, people can cast spells subconsciously. I didn't really believe it, but I did to the best of my abilities, because it was happening now. There were all these things I didn't believe in, and I didn't want to believe in, because I knew what other people would think. But you get in these situations where it's like, “We don't care if you believe in it or not, it's real and it's a problem.” And you kind of have to believe. So that's what I did. I believed.

As I was walking, I got hot.

“Don't take off your sweatshirt. The exposed skin will make them think you are a sun bather. Another hippie liberal stereotype.”

As I walked, I started talking to them about the time I thought I was the boddhisatva, just to make conversation.

“Don't make jokes about that, it will make them think you are conceited and worsen the attacks.”

“Go into the Christian Reading Room. It will make a good impression on them.”

I did so, picked up a pamphlet, talked to the lady there for a brief moment, and then left. I had to pee so bad. They said they thought it had passed and I headed back to the market, because we could not find a restroom. That was the only reason. Otherwise, they would not have let me.

I used the facilities, and I got in line to buy some food. My guides thought it was okay at first, but then later told me to get out of line. This was going to worsen the attacks.

On the phone, I had told my mom to pick up some zucchini at the market. My guides told me this was a mistake. It was good zucchini, but it wasn't worth the spiritual attacks that I was now a target of now that I had requested that my mom buy me something at the farmer's market.

As we were leaving, my guides told me Wal-Mart was a good conservative store to go to right now. My mom refused to go to Wal-Mart.

Now, I was at home. I still had that funny feeling that they said was associated with dark, dark magic. It made me want to pull at it with my mind. It was a good feeling. It was interesting and fun. It made me think of a dark, earthy witch. My guides told me no, no, no. Do not pull at the feeling. Do not look at cat eyes, they will make it worse. I was sitting, watching Fox News. Someone on the show had funny looking eyes, and that opened the portal again. I had to get that out of my mind. Music made it worse, the hypnotic nature of it. I had to listen a little bit to get my energy up. Don't look anyone in the eye, my guides told me. Don't look anyone in the eye.

I was talking to my dad. He told me to make a salad. I said, we don't have tomatoes. He insisted that we did. I said I hadn't really checked.

“Well you could look!” And then he started holding his eyes open with his hands, looking at me. Waiting and waiting for me to look at him.

I did not look at him. After awhile, I gave in and glanced up at his face, and saw him holding his eyes open, and it did that hypnotic imprint thing in my mind. I moved quickly into the other room. I had that image imprinted in my mind again. It was opening the portal again.

“Did someone do that to him? Make him do that? Does someone out there have power over him? That was an awful strange coincidence.”

We don't think so. We think it was a coincidence. He is a doofus.

I tried, with all my might, to get that image out of my head. I cast some more spells. Finally, it was gone.

Okay, we are going to tell you some things, instruct you where you can and can't go. You can't go to farmer's markets, ever. Not the Saturday Market. The day you went, you were heavily protected. Not anymore. You are never going there ever again.

Trader Joe's is off-limits. That's a hippie store. So is Fred Meyer's. We don't know if its really an issue or not, but we want to play it safe. Another store you can't go is, Bath and Body works.

Why?

It's a liberal store, with all there care of the physical body.

Really?

No, not really. We are joking. We are trying to lighten the mood a little. That's it. Another thing you can't do, from here on out, for other reasons... go to cemeteries, or travel, or go to Alcatraz. Alcatraz has horrible, horrible spirits that dwell there that used to dwell in the inmates. They will be hard to get rid of. Many places in Europe, like concentration camps, are off limits. Strip clubs are off limits too. The energy is bad there, not because of the strippers, but because of the energy of the foul men watching them. Another place you can't go is Chip n' Dales. The energy of the egotistical men there is awful. There are other places too. Use your own judgment, and ask us. If it seems like a bad place to go, don't go.

Chapter

I sat, and after the image faded from my mind, could not listen to music for awhile. My sister was coming over for dinner. We were having ribs. Beforehand, my guides told me they needed me to stop eating when I had eaten enough. They said they had some tricks up their sleeves.

As I ate, I relaxed, and was absorbed in eating. Suddenly, a little ugly cow popped out of my meat, with the words, “Brain damage!” It shocked me, and at the same time I got a horrible feeling that lasted a second. It was time to stop eating! I stood up, and walked around to cool off. As I stood up, it got worse, the feeling deep down of something akin to horror. It wasn't a big deal, but it was a little off-putting.

I went in the other room to talk to my guides. They told me they were, “just playing around.” They thought that was a good neural pathway to use. They said they didn't intend it to say brain damage, that was just a negatively associated word that happened to come up.

It was interesting. It was a very cartoonish feeling, the way the cow popped up, and the words popped into my head. Immediately after, I didn't even consciously remember that there had been a cow, it happened so fast. Just that something really odd happened with the words brain damage that made me want to stop eating. They told me it was a cow, and then I remembered. Later, I looked at the meat in the fridge, and got a horrific feeling. My guides told me they would not use that neural pathway again. They didn't want to scare me away from eating, and that was a pretty intense neural pathway.

As I sat, I talked about medical marijuana with my family. We were talking about people on the right. My guides told me, they watch. Not very closely, but they do. They pick up on things, very, very deep subconsciously. So don't say anything too mean about the right-wing people, they said. However, they don't get sarcasm. They think you are being serious. So when we were talking about them, I referred to them as the “exceptionally intelligent” people on the right. They backed off a bit after I said that.

Later on that night, I was sitting on the bed, and a ghost came and activated a similar neural pathway and said, “brain damage!” I screamed a little. Kristen asked me what was going on. I told her a ghost was whispering to me. I told her it said brain damage. She implied that ghosts say weird things to her too.

The next day, I was eating nuts. I was eating, and then the word “rabies” went through my mind, and a bad feeling took over me. It shocked me, and I stopped eating. The problem with this system was, I was worried about it the entire time I was eating, that prevented me from relaxing. They decided not to use any of the neural pathways anymore. They said they had other tricks up their sleeves.

Later on though, it was never an issue again, so they never tried anything else.

I was sitting on the couch, when I started hearing the dandy song again.

Stop thinking that, what you're thinking. You are opening a pathway to Brandon.

I realized that they wanted me to stop doing something I was doing subconsciously. I thought it was interesting, because I didn't even know what I was doing subconsciously. Eventually, I stopped doing it.

My guides informed me a little bit more on the dandy song. It is a song in the spirit world, used by people who like the Earth plane. They lyrics were, “Black man say somethn' you don't want, cut him up and put him up in a dandy!” It had a certain harmonic device in the word dandy, that when Earthlings hear it, and they are in an altered state, because you can't perceive of it in a normal state... it creates a very deep sense of terror. They didn't use the correct harmonic device on me though, the concept and setting of being at a funny campground in the middle of the night was enough to terrify me. They said that was kind of mean, how they did that at a campground. They said there was a reason they did it. The girls were burning plastic, which was bad for the environment. But that wasn't really the reason. They were preparing me for their own use of the song.

I was sitting on the bed, when I started singing the dandy song semi lucidly, but out loud. My guides told me, “that's your subconscious mind reminding you not to sing that song!” I laughed really hard.

The ghosts kept singing the dandy song. Everywhere I went, I heard the dandy song, because the ghosts wouldn't stop singing it. My guides had already decided not to use it anymore as a warning, that's why they had moved on to bigger and better things.

Help Like Jesus: Part 22

We looked up some things online. They had me look up leyaks, because on the spiritual plane I was going to be on, leyaks were visible. They had me like and unlike a few things on facebook. They had me like gray light, because as they explained to me, gray lights are people who do not attract spirits. The energy of liking it makes me less visible to spirits. They had me like the color white, because it would help me energetically. They also told me, if I wanted to, I could like the color green. It wouldn't help me out but it would help them out. It would help them see me a little bit better. I decided, why not? Why not help my spirit guides?

I had to unlike a bunch of things I liked. References to food were bad energy, like Subway, and other restaurants that I had liked. As I sat there an unliked them, I felt hunger instantaneously leave my body. I didn't know if it was like this away from the computer too. My guides said it only effected me at the computer. They told me I put so much energy into facebook, facebook had powers over me that I could only imagine.

When I looked at things on facebook, I was instructed whether or not I could like that. References to marijuana use and drinking of alcohol were bad luck, so I could not like them. Another thing that was bad energy was pictures of people holding alcohol containers. One thing I realized was, I would feel the difference immediately. I would get bad energy from a bad energy post if I liked the wrong thing.

I went back in my room, and lay down on the bed. My guides informed me that they were going to tell me who hated me, because I needed to know.

So this guy from Innercept, Joe. He didn't like you at all. He thought you were ugly, your clothing was lame, and your jokes always were dumb. He hated you more than anyone else in the entire world.

This other staff member from Innercept, Daniel. He always put on a facade that he liked you, but he actually hated you, more than any of the other residents, mostly. Not some of the really bad apples, but he didn't like you at all. That's why he denied your friends request. I was upset, and started sending him bad energy.

This girl from Innercept, Catherine. She hated you so badly, it hurt her just to live in the same house with you. She wished you would leave all the time, she wanted to say something mean to you, but didn't want to start a fight.

They went on like that, telling me different people, and how much they hated me. People I didn't particularly like, mostly, so it wasn't a big deal... But I liked Daniel, a lot actually, so I was upset about that. The funny thing was, it actually made me feel better, each time they told me someone didn't like me, it made me feel healthier and more balanced. Like my head wasn't as far up in the cloud, living in a happy fantasy dreamland.

Daniel just called out to you on the spiritual plane. He is upset that you are sending him bad energy. He says he likes you.

But I thought he hated me! Is he lying? I asked. I was feeling way more balanced now.

No, we don't think he's lying. We actually made that up. Please, stop sending him bad energy. You are very powerful in this state. We made up most of those. Some of those people don't like you, but mostly, most of those people really don't have an opinion. We did this because it was a type of grounding that works in this state, and you needed grounding.

My guides informed me of something serious. There was a monster in my mom's bed. It dwelled in her sheets. At night, it fed my mother lies about me. It told her about how I was cycling rapidly from the bipolar disorder.

I woke up early one morning, and got up. I had been sleeping downstairs. When I woke up, I imagined my spirit guides were putting on a show of making fun of me, and I was standing in the center with nicotine gum in my mouth. When I woke up, I had to take the nicotine gum out of my astral mouth before putting it in my physical mouth. There were quite a few occasions after this where this happened.

I asked my guides about the mockery they were making of me. They said it was something that they were doing, sort of like dreaming, but while awake. It was processing of information that was necessary to do while I slept. They said they knew it looked like they were mocking me, but that's actually not what it was.

As I walked out into the other room, I heard soft constant murmuring from my mother's room. I wondered if this was the monster, telling my mother lies about me.

I got up and made coffee. I struggled immensely to overcome the urge to wait for my mom to get up, because I needed coffee right that moment. When I drank, I overindulged in coffee always. My guides said it was okay, but I needed to drink it constantly throughout the day in order to stay in contact with them. There were times when the caffeine was dwindling in my system, and I lost contact with my guides and started channeling lower spirits that were passing through. When I lost contact, my guides can't see me as well either. The same thing happened when I didn't have enough nicotine in my system. Nicotine, in general, makes it easier for spirit guides to hear you. When I didn't have enough nicotine in my system, my guides would get mad at me and tell me to chew another piece. Sometimes, I didn't want to, for it had a stronger effect if I waited longer between pieces. But my guides said this was fuckery, just chew another one!

Later on, my mom was on vacation. One night, I slept in her bed, before I cast out the monster with incense. As I was falling asleep, I heard my name spoken to me, and it told me to get out! This was not my bed, it was not a bed worth sleeping in for young women needing Adderall. I left immediately.

I cast out the monster by lighting incense in her room and then leaving immediately.

What was the picture trick all about? I asked my guides.

That was a game we were playing with you, they said. The picture trick was real, but it is not normal to be able to do that with pictures. We told you mostly truths, some lies. Like the thing with Melvin liking eating crap. We actually made that up. He is not into that at all, we know this for a fact. But you are weird about how gross that is, so we thought, we would throw that in for good measure. Some of the other stuff we threw in for good measure, like people not liking you. Some of them really didn't, but we think Eminem would actually like you, for real. We threw that one in for good measure, because we thought it would seem inaccurate if every person you cared about loves you so badly, even though that is true.

I woke up one Sunday morning, and my mom told me she was going to the farmer's market. She asked me if I wanted to go. Without consulting my guides, I told her yes, and we headed out.

At the farmer's market, I walked around listening to my headphones, and channeling. I bought some coffee, and a water. I sat down on a tuft of grass. As I was sitting there, my mind drifted off. I was remembering my friend Terry, a man from Innercept. He was my favorite staff member. He told a story about fly fishing, and one night, when Angela his wife was in danger, he heard his name whispered in his ear, while out fly fishing. He turned around, and looked at a hilltop, where there was a man waving to him. Later, he found out none of his friends nearby had been doing this. No one had been there.

I sat, and in my mind, the image of the man waving stuck. I imagined it with a very hypnotic quality, crazy eyes, waving, waving, waving, waving. It put me in a trance kind of. It was freaky, but interesting at the same time, this feeling I got from this image.

“Stop!” My guides instructed me all of a sudden. “Get up! Get out of here! Move!”

I got up and moved. As I walked, they told me something. That image in my mind, that was something akin to a portal. It is a feeling one gets when on the receiving end of dark, dark magic. Not black. Don't use that word. It is, but don't use that term. Coming here was a horrible idea. We didn't think it was a big deal, but... well, it is. It will be fine, you are under close protection. Walk away from the farmer's market, Salioness.

I walked, and walked. As I walked away, I started to feel better. I hadn't even noticed I was feeling bad. The energy of the market was horrific.

There's a bench. Sit.

I sat.

Okay, now, we will do a spell. Mutter what comes to mind. Go!

One, eight, seventeen, cat!

Good, now another one!

Help Like Jesus: Part 21

Well, time to eat! Where shall you eat? Potbelly? My guides asked me.

No, Chipotle. I said.

If you go to Potbelly, we can have a snack of Sun Chips!

That's okay, I'd rather go to Chipotle.

We are your guides, and we say, Potbelly.

Okay, you're the boss.

We walked to Potbelly, bought a sandwich, took it home, and I ate it in one sitting. Afterwards, we talked about what was going to happen to me. I was getting ready for the guardianship trial. How would that turn out? Would my parents fight it? Or would they give in right away and let me be my own human?

They are not going to give in, Salioness.

Salioness was my spirit name.

They are going to fight it tooth and nail, to the bitter end. They would anyway, but... We are going to do energy work on them, to make them more controlling of you. We will do it later on, closer to the time when you have to move out. You will move out with Melvin. You will go without their permission. You will live with Melvin. He is going to contact you in September, maybe, or a little later. We don't know, but sometime sooner than you think.

But I don't know, what if they just drop it? Or what if they have a better lawyer than I do, and it doesn't work? What if I can't get rid of it?

I was fearful of both these outcomes. I wanted there to be a fight, a good fight, a really good fight. I didn't want them to just give in and drop it, or else there would be no media attention, no leverage, no publication of my memoir series...

Forget the memoir series. You will do that, don't get us wrong. But you will do much greater things for this country than write a series of bestselling books.

What am I going to do?

Brittany Murphy chimed it. It is amazing, what you are about to do for this country. You will change the way people see the planet. That's all. I'm not allowed to say anything else. You really have to think outside the box for this one.

She's right, we can't tell you yet. But it will amaze people, though it will take some time for them to really appreciate how great it is. Anyway, back to the guardianship trial. We need to go over what their major points will be.

One, your alcohol intake, versus your medication use. You are not allowed to drink on your meds, yet refuse to listen. Also, you have a history of not taking your meds as prescribed, all of them. Adderall included. That's an easy one to counter, don't you think?

Two, you are incapable of recognizing when you are going downhill. We find this one funny, personally... You know why. You always know exactly what is going on with yourself, you just don't ask for help, because you don't want it. Like we said, every time anything like that happened... It was us, got it? Every single time. But you can't argue that one in court, so don't use that excuse. Just say you are a mystic, which you are, and it's normal for mystics to go through unusual experiences. Don't worry about the case so much here as the leverage. This is one of the things that will get you noticed.

Three, your ideas about who you care about. They think you care little about other people, so you will do things to hurt yourself too, like self-harm. They will bring up the suicide attempts full blast, and it counts against you. However, they have no case. Past instances of self-harm, even suicide attempts, will not hurt you because you have shown a long history of being happy and free of those thoughts. This is not an issue.

Are there any real issues that I need to worry about?

Yes. Drug use. Steer clear of everything except alcohol, even marijuana. I don't care if it's legal, don't do it, it makes you look bad. Another thing you can't do anymore is dance provocatively, it creates a bad image.

Really? But I like to dance.

We are joking. That is all. That's the case right there. The real thing to say is, they have none. You have a case. You will be working as a professional medium, energy worker, and reiki master. You will make a pretty penny, too. But don't count on that for a couple of months. To begin with, you will apprentice for a psychic who is already in the business. She will help you out a great deal, and help you get on your feet as a psychic/medium. When you have proven yourself to quite a few of her clients, she will help you start your own practice.

We walked to the store, and I bought a bottle of caffeine. We drank, ate, and were merry in the store, and then left a mess for the workers to clean up.

On the way home, a man came to me. He told me he needed help crossing over, in other words, help finding his way home. I told him to look up, go into the light, zzoot! He was gone. My guides informed me that the more I help cross over, the more will come to you. You need to stop helping them.

At home, I watched TV. I had this problem where I thought things in the show were dumb. When I thought it was dumb, I said, “hahaha, very funny you guys,” in my head, but everyone could hear my thoughts, so they knew what I was thinking. It was stuff that used to be funny, or maybe never even was funny, but I had seen it so many times it wasn't funny anymore.

I noticed something else. When I watched shows I hadn't seen a million times, I laughed a lot more than I normally did ever. I laughed at TV shows again! It had been a long time since I had actually laughed at anything I watched on TV. I didn't know why. I was always worried that I would laugh at something someone else thought was dumb and it would make me look dumb. Now, I laughed openly. When I laughed, it was a much more relaxed, deep, invigorating laugh. Like a weight had been lifted from my soul. I knew what it was. It was coming off the Adderall. It had prevented me from laughing, deadened my spirit.

When I watched South Park, I had the problem a lot where things seemed stupid. It wasn't like the dark spots, the places in my mind where things embarrassed me so I had negative associations with those things... it was a little bit more intense. There was a feeling of raw grinding gears, with those places in my brain where there were no happy neurotransmitters. When I had this problem, it embarrassed me too, so I would create dark spots this way. This was the problem I was facing now. Way, way, way too low dopamine. My guides said it was gradually starting back up. I didn't notice it yet. It didn't help that I was still on bipolar medications, which prevented it from starting back up because they prevent the production of dopamine. When I was out of the house, for sure, I would go off these medications right away, with or without a doctor's blessing.

When I took my medications in the morning, I felt no different now. There was no longer that happy high anymore, from the Adderall. Still, I looked forward to getting up in the morning, because I felt complete without it. The energy rebalancing had done the trick.

When I walked to the store, I remembered the time I went to the market and bought an alcoholic beverage. Without warning, I saw my mom pull in the road. She looked like she was lost. I asked her how she was, and she told me to get in the car. I had been walking back from the energy drink store, but she didn't understand that I wasn't drunk. She asked me what I had been drinking. “Diet coke.” I answered. She tried to smell my breath, I breathed heavily on her. She looked disgusted. We went home, I went back up to my room, and I channeled some more.

What is the name of your grandmother's mom? They asked me.

Nell.

Yes, and she's here right now! She wants you to know that she loves both you and your sister, but not your mom or her sister. That's how much they hate both of them. They love your sister in comparison.

I laughed, a little. Then they told me that I was the family wonder, who loved to eat food but hated to clean up. Go clean up after yourself next time.

When you go downtown, bring your lap top. Go over to Matthew's and say you are going to work on your mobile app. He will help you with the graphics.

I want to do that, but I don't know if I can.

You don't need to do that, but you will try to make a game to help him out a little. That's not it. When he gets out of the money problem business, you will be good friends, but for now, you need to help him out. He's on the list of people we are worried about. Another thing is, he is a liar. Get used to it. He isn't about to stop. Just take everything he says with a grain of sand.

Time to incense! My guides informed me of some rituals associated with incensing. Like, don't brush your teeth the night before you incense, it is bad luck. Another one was, do not wear revealing clothing when you incense, it opens you up to receiving the spirits in your body. Another one was, wear a melancholy attitude while you incense, as it creates a better environment to get rid of the spirit.

First, I went into the bathroom, and I lit a stick of incense and smudged the floor, and left it in there. As I left, my guides told me that saging the bathroom right now would bring back the dark spirit. As I left, I heard disembodies voices speak to me. “Me.... Me... Me.... Sage the bathroom! Me.... Me... Me....”

I went outside with my incense, and smudged both my stone and my cross necklace. My guides told me the exact moment when the spirit left each of these items, and I was instructed to go back in the house immediately.

I did a round of incensing of clothes, a round of saging, and I even had to throw away some of my clothes my guides told me were not salvagable. I did so reluctantly. When I threw away some good yoga pants, I was mad. I was unhappy afterwards, so I had to cut a cord – a tie to the yoga pants. That made me feel better.

When my sister came over for dinner, they all joked with me about how I had thrown away some washcloths, after using them.

“They are washcloths, Rachel... You use them, wash them, then use them again! That's what we do! We recycle them!” My dad joked like a buffoon.

When I was all done, they told me not to use the bathroom at night. In fact, I had to sleep downstairs. One time, I was using the restroom, when I thought, “Maybe I really am the second coming of Christ. Am I?”

My guides instructed me that the answer was no and to get out of the bathroom immediately. As I sat in my bedroom, I kept wondering that over and over again, with happy twirly lights around my head.

“Okay, you did something bad right there. Now, we are going to do a spell to reverse what you did.”

Oh, boy. I waited.

Okay, now, go into the bathroom. Pat the shower on the back.

Hmmm.... Which part was the back? I patted what I thought was the back, without thinking beforehand, just doing.

Nope, wrong. Let's try again. Pat the shower on the back.

I patted a different part.

Correct! Now, kiss the shower.

I did so.

That should help with your horrible, horrible fear of this shower.

They were right. I got a feeling of dread every time I walked past this bathroom. When I passed the bathroom at night, I was instructed not to think about anything at all, don't let my attention wander to the bathroom, or the spirit might latch onto that strand of consciousness and use it to get to me, to come back.

The spirit in the bathroom has no consciousness. Just programmed energy. That's what a lot of spirits are, programmed energy. Souls have consciousness. Mere spirits do not.

When I was done with the shower stuff, I showered downstairs. One night, I wore the sweatshirt I was wearing the same day I had used the stone to put Jesus in my aura. I wore it out with my sister. When I came back, I was feeling drained, like I had felt on some horrible, horrible drug I did once that I no longer remembered. My head was swimming with negative thoughts. My guides told me to take the sweatshirt off, put it out in the yard, it is going to be gotten rid of. Then, sage your aura, get the devil out. He is back again. Now, shower, cleanse your heart chakra, cleanse your crown chakra, wipe the residual energy out of your legs, throw away the wash cloths, and then you're done.

As I stood in my bedroom afterwards, I wondered. Maybe, the spirit guides were real. But maybe, they were evil. I felt like I was on to something. My guides were spirits, but they were leading me astray.

Well, we don't know what to say to that. Just breathe. Things will be okay. Drink some fluids. We'll tell you some jokes in a second. But for now, just breathe.

Okay, time for some jokes. We want to first tell you about the girl who has no soul. She went to your high school.

Do I remember her?

Not very well, but she's someone you definitely noticed. Think back.

I thought for awhile, asking about different people, until I figured out who it was. It was a girl in my Honors chem class Junior year, who was in the year below me. We were doing a lab one day, and we needed to figure out 110% of a number. The girl gave me instructions for how to do that.

“You take the number, multiply it by 0.1, and then add that number back to the number.”

“...Or we could just multiply the number by 1.1” I responded, a bit amused.

“No, no, no!” And then she repeated her instructions insistently.

I thought this was dumb. Like, really, really dumb. I tried to catch another girl's eye and smile, but she was staring off into the distance. “Wait, I think your way would work too!” she said, but she had to check on her calculator to be sure.

Yes, that's the girl. The first girl has no soul.

I laughed. And no one knows?

Nope, no one knows. She would insist she had a soul. But she doesn't. Her parents would be very disappointed if they found out. Anyway, so some time in the not so distant future, there is a plan... She is going to die. She is going to die in a horrible, horrible tragedy. Something really sick and vile is going to happen to her, to prove some sort of point to the world. It will seem really really sad, but really it isn't, because she has no soul.

I laughed my head off.

A long time later, they told me that this wasn't exactly true. There was no horrible tragedy, and the girl actually did have a soul... Just a very, very weak soul. She wasn't happy, doesn't feel things as deeply as other people... So weak, after this lifetime, she was going to go down to a lower dimension.

One time, a girl you know was in love with a guy you know. Michael was in love with Izzy. When they got together, they became entangled in a web of hormones so great, it was hard to get untangled. When they got untangled one night, Izzy lost her purse. She found it in Michael's eyelid. When he took it out, it had so many eye goobers on it, they decided not to use it anymore. Instead, there was a one in a million chance of ever becoming one with each other again, so they just took their chances and left each other for Ralph Nader and Monica Lewinsky, respectively.

I laughed.

Okay, another joke. One time, there was a woman named Elmo. She existed in separate places at one time. When she woke up and saw her mother with her ex-boyfriend, she decided it was no longer time to do speed, and she zipped along at half speed until she ran out of gas, and hitched a ride with Monica Lewinsky for Kristen's apartment, where the three of them ate hamburgers and laid eggs on the couch until no one knew what time it was anymore. When Monica woke up the next morning, she blamed the mess on Kristen, got a lawyer, went to court and sued. She won five thousand dirty pictures, and 18,000 free masturbatorial views.

I laughed.

Okay, one more. When Michaelangelo was 17, he ate a big piece of cake. He did not understand what cake was, so he decided not to eat anymore. When he turned 50, he learned that it was sponge cake, and he used it to paint the Sistine Chapel until it was pretty again.

Wait, that one wasn't funny!

Whoops, we are done! No more jokes for you!

Well, we have a surprise for you tonight! A channeling from a favorite dead celebrity!

Ooh! Ooh! Who is it?

Marilyn Monroe! She has a message for the country on the current state of celebrities, and their religious influence on America.

“Hello, nation. This is Marilyn Monroe speaking. We enjoy your antics up here in heaven, with the Clinton's, Obamas, and the Reagan's. When I grow into a better spirit, I will reincarnate on Earth to pretend I adore the antics of the lesbian movement, but for now, I do not want any part of it. I do not understand why women trounce around as butch lesbians, not because I do not understand where they are coming from, but because it is a look that is unappealing to both men and women. On the flip side, I appreciate this struggle for equality amongst trisexuals, and I enjoy the word “trisexual.” When I stop talking to myself in the mirror every night, I remember Hillary Clinton, and I wonder where she is going in the world, but I do not understand her struggle with Bill. He is the best man for her, and she is the best woman for him. They are a wondrous couple, I want to understand how badly they love each other because they love each other a lot, but loving each other is hard when you are so readily in the public eye, and when the paparazzi follow you wherever you go and try to bring you down for things that are not normal, but ordinary, like taking a piss in a urinal where people are watching. When girls believe in things other than the power of their own physical wonder, it is easy to understand why they do not live in slums and watch sleazy sitcoms on television day in and day out, but pretend to enjoy the finer things in life. We know what is going to happen in the world, you do not. But we don't know how it is going to come about, so hold on to your watches, for this is the time when change is made, and people are found out for who they really are.”

Marilyn joked with my about the color of her eyeshadow, for hers was a darker, more perfect color than mine was.