Away from the Cage

What is this place I call, "Home"? Is it a prison cell? Is it helping my monetary growth? No, this is a prison cell. I hate this place. I am moving out.

I think it would be beneficial to my well-being not to live at home with my parents. It is making me really, really, really, really depressed. I hate this house so much. I hate living in a cage. I hate the environment. Please, for the love of Jebus, just let me live where I can find a place with Sarah.

I would have a better time if I were not here in Lake Oswego, if I were around people my own age, my own wavelength, instead of my parents all the time. Please, I am 28, let me live! Let me go! I am out of here if I can stand to part with this place, and these people, who say they love me....

I am out of here. Where are my love of life friends? They exist, but they do not know where I am, because they have not been here ever before...

Where does my life take me? Will my parents let me leave? Or are they going to continue to cage me? When will I be able to live my own life? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why....?

There you go. That is not it. I enjoy things without parental approval, but they have a guardianship, which means they can control me...

No!!!!!!! Not the guardianship!!!!!

Life Without Adderall

So, I have gone off the death drug Adderall.

I would have never made this decision by myself. I would have wanted to, but never would have, due to the horrible soul sucking boredom I feel when I am off it. Not so with the energy rebalancing. My guides told me, you will go off it permanently, we will rebalance your energy, and you will be good as new!!

Well, not quite. You have to wait for dopamine, and other neurotransmitter production to start back off. And then, you have to wait for dopamine receptor production to start back up.

So, at first, I thought it was easy. Because I had been off it for awhile, without the energy rebalancing, hoping to go back on it. And then, they rebalanced the energy, and reduced my energy to a nub for awhile, and then it built back up, and I felt good again without the drug! Wow!

But kicking drug addictions is never easy, and Adderall is a particularly tricky one. I have beat other drug addictions, like Ativan (only). Ativan was pretty easy, you just had to get through the withdrawal effects. I wasn't addicted to ativan though, I was dependent on it. It wasn't a big deal.

I feel like I am not slipping, but thoughts of slipping keep entering my mind. Like, wow, wouldn't it be so much easier to work on my book if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't I be so much happier if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't the weight just come falling off if I were back on Adderall?

And I think of all the ways my life would be better, back on Adderall... But I know what would happen. It would be better, maybe not really, but only temporarily. And then, the dopamine would start shutting off in my brain again.

It is starting back up. We are making tremendous progress with that. I have stopped my incessant twitching, the exclaiming of "spirits!" when I get stressed out and embarrassed about dumb things. I have made tremendous, tremendous progress. It is getting easier. But as I start doing better, I start wondering, "Wow, what would life be like back on that shit?" Because I know that now that I have been off it awhile, and the dopamine is starting back on... I know it would feel really good to take it again, seeings as I would have lost my tolerance to it, and it would be like heavenly wonderfulness to take that shit again, and feel euphoric and happy and giddy and talking to myself in my mind about wonderful things, and happy and giddy, over and over again, in and out, in and out, in and out and in...

But I can't do that. It's not even that good, man. It's fake. It's not real. It's not real! Plus, the real good reason not to is, energy rebalancing is tricky. My spirit guides intended this as a permanent solution to the Adderall problem. If I waltz back into the doctors, get another prescription, take it for a couple years, have issues again, they aren't going to say, hey, Rachel, no biggie, we will just do energy rebalancing again. It is a tricky procedure, they are not going to do it again unless it's an honest mistake, like someone slips me some Adderall. That's what they said.

So I have to remember, Rachel, you are done with that shit. It's over between you and Adderall. No more, baby, no more. You have to lose weight without the aid of Adderall. You have to concentrate without the aid of Adderall. You have to be happy and go about your daily life without the aid of Adderall.

So I hate it. I just keep thinking, what if, man, what if... What if I were taking that shit again. And each time, I have to slap myself, and say, "NO!!!" "NO!!!" NO!!!!!!!

Coconut Water

Why do I drink coconut water? It is not for the delusional health benefits. It is not for the delusional taste beauty. It is because it helps my body feel better.

Another thing. My body works much better on coconut water. Milk has the same nutrient, but in much smaller, minuscular quantities. So, to get the same benefits as one glass coco water, I have to drink three to six glasses of milk, depending. This adds up to hormonal imbalances, because of the milk hormones, and added extra poundage! What? You still care about that Rachel? Yeah, Beev, I care about my weight. The reason I told you, "Don't worry about it..." when I was eating food, and you told me to watch my weight, was because I was famished beyond recognition!! FAMISHED, BEEV, FAMISHED!!! I needed calories stat!! I know you don't think it is possible for a body to need that much fuel, but when you're me... it happens. Let's just leave it at that.

Another thing about my food intake. They are not delusional nutritional necessities. If I don't eat watermelon, radishes, cranberry juice, beef, zucchini, arugula, romaine lettuce, bananas.... I get really down and low in energy!! I need the nutritional benefits of these foods!! I know you think, oh, food is just for energy... But I need it for other reasons too!! So don't tell me, Oh Rachel, you could just eat some of this french fries and ice cream and you will feel just fine... No one really understands why we need to eat well, it just makes us better people for no reason at all... HORSE SHIT, BEEV!! HORSE SHIT!!!

One more thing. I need more vitamins. Not C, I get too much of that!! WOAH!!! C OVERLOAD!!! Another one I need, B vitamins!!! YES!!! Another one I need. Magnesium!!! I AM VERY DEFICIENT RIGHT NOW RACHEL!!!! Another thing I need, something found in cherries!!! That is all.

Spirit Humor

Spirit humor. Spirit humor is the willful exaggeration of a known fun idea. At least, that is how the spirits define it. They do not understand why things are funny, but they are. You think about humor too much, analyze it, it is mean to the spirits, because they do not understand why you are reading your mother's diary of worry. Ba doom cha!

The reason this is funny, is because my mom is going to read this, and worry. That's not it.

I was watching the movie The Giver. There was a part at the beginning that was funny. Where the main character, who could only see black and white, could suddenly see the color in his gal pal's hair. I started laughing, and my mom shushed me, because this wasn't a funny part. But the reason it was funny was, the classic idea of when a man is interested in a woman, and how he sees things about her in vivid, wondrous detail, like the color of her hair. It is an idea that doesn't exist as much as they try to pretend like it does, but it means it is true that women are pretty. That is it.

Another joke that is spirit humor is in the Hunger Games. When Katniss and Peeta are in a compromised position, in the arena, and they kiss, and then it is broadcasted to where Gale is watching. This was a funny as fuck moment, because they are not really in love, they are just pretending, but only the two of them know that, and they are instead told they are not the ones who are in love, the capital is in love with the idea of love, and the two of them riot and change the world.

When I am talking to my spirit guides, through out the day... it is this little running joke to say, after every situation, "that was spirit humor." Something about that is, a good portion of the time, it actually is, but usually is not. So I have to ask, was that spirit humor? Usually, I know it isn't. Sometimes, it is. Sometimes, it is spirit sarcasm. Sometimes, it is spirit wisdom. Other times, it is spirit wit.

Sometimes I imagine funny situations in my head. The other day, my dad was going to give me my meds. I told him he could place them in the bathroom, and I would take them when I got the chance. In my mind, I imagined him going in the bathroom and placing them directly in the trash can. Because that is where they were going to end up. Not because I would actually put them there, I would have taken them, but because that's where he expected I would have placed them had he let me take them by myself. Spirit humor, baby, spirit humor.

My book has lots, lots, lots and lots, of spirit humor.