So, I've reached a part in my spiritual journey, where I feel like I should already be considered enlightened. Except, well, I'm not. No inner peace.
What do enlightened thought processes look like? How do they look different from mine? I've gotten rid of all the ego complexes! I don't beat up other people, ever. Nor myself, except I never did. I'm nice and perfectly sweet!
Maybe the thought that has been preventing me from enlightenment is... DUN DUN DUN... the bus stop incident last spring.
I was out one day, getting high and wandering. I accidentally got WAY too high. At a bus stop at a random place, a young woman asked me a question about the busses. Well, I was too high to be able to answer her. I stuck around a while, and noticed this woman stuck around awhile as well.
When I finally came down a little bit, I rode the bus over the hill, bought some marijuana, and rode back over the hill. When we were coming up to the place where I had the encounter earlier with the young woman, I held my nose all of a sudden! PEE-U!
I asked my guides what the fuck? They said, well, that young woman, was out of town and trying to visit family. She was lost and in a state of severe inner turmoil. So, since she was so upset, she continuously beat up the high girl at the bus stop for not giving her directions, and she made fun of me in a nasty way for being fat.
At the time, I was about 30 pounds heavier than right now, and I had my stomach artificially enlarged by my guides. At that particular time, I had no attachment at all to the idea of being asthetically pleasing, so instead of being at all offended I laughed my fucking head off! How embarrassing for her that I knew about it now!
You know, random girl at the bus stop, I'm here on my own business. I did not come to this particular location at this particular time, to give you directions. Also, what does that even look like? The thoughts behind causing such a stink for me being fat, I mean? Obviously, mere fat-shaming insults wouldn't cut it. It must consist of crass imagery, fat jiggling and such. God, what an obnoxious thing to do with your mind! Subbie made a comment that it was like she got frustrated and started banging her head against the pavement.
Another thing that Subbie said, was the thing that made it even funnier was that that girl was a real "goody two-shoes" girl. Meaning, a little too attached to the parents. Which meant she might like this one sex act on the other side which is abhorrent.
So anyway, do I have to extinguish laughing about this incident, to reach enlightenment? Or do I have to stop thinking altogether of people who I make judgments against?
Do I have to stop thinking altogether? If I'm not allowed to make a stab at someone who has an obnoxious trait I think is funny, what the fuck am I allowed to think about anyway? Nothing, apparently.
Maybe I should spend more time raving about how much I love all these people whom I never meet or see in person, like Subbie likes to do at times.
Here at Rachel Zuhl's world, we devote equal time to taking jabs and garnishing with praise. So yeah, I judge you, person who thinks I'm lying when I say I don't want to walk recklessly in front of cars when crossing a parking lot, because why do I care about drivers, I don't drive? I could think about things that I judge people for, and they are judgments I would, in EVERY SITUATION, mention to their face as well. Does that make me ineligable for enlightenment? Maybe I have to simply stop being Rachel Zuhl, and devise a whole new persona, as goody two-shoes as Pollyanna. Is that what I have to do to reach enlightenment?
Or do I have to make it out of the house on a regular basis, and squash this insecurity I have about being isolated, which makes me occasionally relish a little in a negative thought about someone else when a jab is taken within my own mind at my own situation?
I'll tell you what I think. I secretly suspect, the latter effect I notice ever so seldom... Is the final straw of the ego. Whether or not I have to fully integrate myself socially.... I'm not sure.
