Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 59

Okay, what are we doing now? I asked my guides.

We are going to talk to Robin Williams again!

Hooray! I screamed. I waited, and he came on.

Are you there, honey? He asked.

I am! I said.

What have you been up to, honey? He asked.

I have been channeling celebrities, talking to my guides, going out in public and stuff...

Cute.

How are you?

I am good, not that good.

What have you been doing?

Oh, recovering from the crossing over. It was hard.

Okay.

I have some jokes for you.

Okay!

Robin proceeded to tell a bunch of spirit humor jokes, which I didn't get consciously, but laughed at, because I got them subconsciously.

Where do the girls become one with themselves after a night on the town? He asked.

Where?

In front of a girl's bathroom without the toilet paper holder in their mouths!

I laughed.

Why do women always give bad blow jobs?

Why?

Because they spend so much time at the gym they don't understand why men would ever want them!

I laughed.

Where do the birds eat the rest of the seed during the night?

Where?

Out of the back of your hand!

Where do the women lay eggs on top of the rest of the nest?

Where?

On the crow's feet!

It went on like this, joke after joke I didn't get, but laughed at anyway, because it tickled me the right way.

I have something to say about why I like you. I read your book.

Really? You liked it?

I liked it a lot. Lots of spirit humor.

What part did you like the best?

The part where you conquered the world and became better at living then your parents!

That hasn't happened yet, goofball!

It will, though!

I thought he asked me if I was horny. I wondered, then asked my guides.

No, he did not.

Are you horny? He asked.

I blushed.

Where do the women eat pencils? Robin asked.

I don't know!

In front of the pencil sharpener!

Where do they birds live after dusk?

I don't know, where?

By the light of the moon.

And that was it. We were done.

Does he know about my reaction to the ice cream joke?

We didn't tell him.

Will he ever know?

Not unless you put it in your book.

I was going to give it a brief mention, but dumb it down a bit, because the bad ice cream joke thing was really bugging me.

When will we talk to him again? I asked.

When he is ready, he is sending you energy now.

Really?

He said something about you to us. He said you were witty in a fun way when talking to him in private.

He did?

No, he did not. But he said something in spirit language you wouldn't understand about why he liked you, and that's the closest Earth translation.

We decided to call it a night. After lusting after Alfred, I lay down and wept. Because I was having such a good time, I didn't understand why this did not happen to everyone. Why couldn't everyone channel Robin Williams? It was a fun experience. But then again, you shouldn't look down on the less fortunate, it is hard to understand why they are not doing as well as me, but you shouldn't think less of them because of their misfortunes.

Burn Like Jesus: 57 - 58

Where do you go for dinner? Alfred asked me.

To the kitchen, I said, funnily.

Then go! GO!!! Alfred screamed in my ear because I was hungry, but too anxious to eat dinner because I was worried about my brain waves.

What's wrong with your brain, Rachel? Alfred asked me.

Funny things are happening inside it! A complete teardown of what it used to be!

What are you going to do about it, Rachel? Alfred asked me again, in the old man voice.

Talk to my parents about going off of invega! I screamed.

DO IT!!! Alfred said.

It's nothing you need to know about, my guides said. They left it at that.

I didn't know what was happening. My brain was going haywire. Not mental illness bullshit, I knew better. I was having an epiphany of sorts, day after day, month after month, my brain kept changing and I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to lose my marbles and live off in a cave without my friends and family and eat beans and rice and never return.

It's something fun, my guides said. Really fun! They said. I did not believe they were telling me the truth.

It's almost time to practice! Alfred said. We will tell you when it's time to practice!

I was worried, worried that something was going to happen to me that would lead to more hospitalizations and more injections of medication. My guides told me I was done with the hospital. I would never again be admitted to the mental health ward. If I was, that meant something had gone wrong.

I complained to myself over and over again, Stop thinking like that! Stop thinking like that! It's going to be okay! They will not notice I am acting funny because I haven't been doing anything weird at all! It's okay!

Don't worry, sweetie, Alfred said. Let's pretend it's never going to change, ever. Everything is always going to stay the same. Just as it is, just as it is. Always a child to your parents, with the guardianship, with the medication making you sick. Always.

I knew he was right. But I was still worried. What was this? Was this in the job description? What were they doing to my brain? I didn't know, and I worried about it a little bit more than I needed to, they told me. It was not a big whoop, they were doing something to my brain, they later told me. It would integrate the subconscious with the conscious, so when I spoke I would sound really, really smart and insightful. Even my parents would notice, and take me to the hospital to get it checked out.

I wondered about it. What did they mean, integrate the conscious with the subconscious? Would I be able to interpret my dreams on a conscious level? Speak from my stored subconscious knowledge? Make fun of people and sound smart? I didn't know. All I knew was, I was worried, and anxious. I didn't understand why they had to do this, I wish they would tell me before messing with my brain. I knew it would be okay, but I didn't believe it would make a difference in how I sounded, intellectually. I would always sound stupid and childish when I spoke about how the medication made me ill and how I didn't really think I needed it. But that was that. This was this. My brain was going through a major transformation, and I needed time and space to see what would come of it.

Chapter 58

What are you talking about, sweetie? Alfred asked me one day.

I want to know how to work at the psychic/medium profession. How will I do it? I asked. I was worried beyond belief about that.

It's easy, you just use the neural pathway we added...

You added the neural pathway? I thought it was one that everyone had.

No sweetie, we added that neural pathway so we could communicate with you. It's easy to add, hard to find, and hard to get rid of.

But I wondered why other people don't channel by talking out loud...

No one does, sweetie. Only automatic talking, and that's really really rare. No one channels by talking out loud.

Then how do they do it?

Neural pathways that are closed off for you by the medications.

Will they open up again so I can use them?

Yes, but you won't need to use them. You can channel by talking out loud.

We are circling, Alfred!

We are too, but I told you, you can channel by talking out loud.

Okay, I get it. We are done.

Another thing is, we don't like the idea of you channeling by talking out loud when you are in front of clients, so we will open another neural pathway in the brain that allows you to integrate your thoughts more, Alfred told me.

What? I thought you said I could channel by talking out loud?

I was not serious at all. It will all work out in the end, I promise.

What do I do if I can't channel without talking out loud? I asked.

You will have to be a psychic/medium who channels by talking out loud then.

Okay then.

Okay then, but we don't want you to be a psychic/medium who channels by talking out loud.

Will I learn to overcome my horrific fears?

Yes, as soon as you realize you will be a psychic/medium whether you like it or not.

What about the guardianship trial? What if my parents do not fight it? What if they say, okay, we will remove the guardianship... And they removed it quietly and that was that?

We know they won't, we know them. They will not do that. You have too tight of a hold on them, emotionally. That is why they will never let it go without a fight. They think if you are without a guardianship, you will go and get drunk and pass out and be taken to the ER, and they won't know about it. And that would be the worst thing ever, not to know about something like that.

Why are they such vicious control freaks? I asked.

They have to be, or there would be no guardianship trial.

Why does there have to be a guardianship trial? Why couldn't I be famous some other way?

You need to have something to get people interested, it is easier to make people know who you are if they remember you from something they had an opinion about, whether it was for you or against you.

Why do we need people to know who I am if I have something else happen, like a spiritual authority?

How do you become famous being a spiritual authority? What are you, the Dalai Lama? It's hard work getting up there. A guardianship trial is way, way easier. It is hard to understand why you don't want this to happen, Rachel. It will happen. You will be the guardianship trial extraoardinaire.

What if I talk to my parents, and they let the guardianship go without a trial? I asked fearfully.

Isn't that what you want? He asked angrily. We had been over this already.

I want to know they will fight it tooth and nail, but still let me out of the house without injecting me with medication or any other problems! I screamed at him.

We know what will happen, we know they won't think you're doing well, we know they will fight it because of their rampant worry... So just give it a rest, okay? I need to tell you something important about your dad.

What's that?

He has a mental illness. An undiagnosed one. He tells himself things in his head that are very, very funny. Very, very funny. He imagines funny situations when he is in a hypnagogic state, like in the car. Weird, weird things you would think are so crazy you would scream.

What does he imagine?

Things you don't want to know or you wouldn't look at him the same way.

I remembered a time, one Christmas, quite a few years ago. We were sitting downstairs, ready to open gifts, when my sister told me about something she overheard my dad say to himself in the bathroom. Something so weird I won't repeat it.

I believe it. How did this happen?

We think it was LSD. It messed him up permanently. That's why he always cautions you so strongly, don't try LSD. It changes you, in a bad way.

Rachel and her Face: "The Dizzying Whirlwind Effect"

When I was just a kid, I would look in the mirror and think I was pretty. Then, my sister told me I was ugly, and so did children that were family friends. They all said I was ugly, and it was because I had dark circles under my eyes. So I trained myself to think my face was ugly.

In adolescence, I thought I was ugly as fuck. At times at Innercept, I thought I was just so ugly I was inbred looking.

Then, what my spirit guides and higher ups did, when I first became a medium. They kept saying, "bigger women get more respect on the Earth Plane." I'm like, what? No. No. And then they said, "Yes, but that's a common myth."

The thing was, I thought about that. Is a skinnier woman more attractive? It depends who you ask, some men don't like skinny women. And men who like slightly bigger woman might have a more respectful view of women.

Which leads to a subconsicous mysticism trail of thought that leads to me thinking my own face is pretty and seeing it like other people do.

Which leads to selfies, selfies, and more selfies.

FIN

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 55, 56... "Where's my blog?..."

Okay, Salioness, look up! The sun is shining! It is a bright, sunny day! Let's go get a soda!

I walked around outside, talking to Heath Ledger and Tupac. I was listening to a song by Tupac. It was time to choose a new song.

Someone up there said, let's choose one of our songs, to let her know we're here.

Okay, it's B... Not that one, not that one... I thumbed through my music. There we are. The Beatles.

Oh boy! John Lennon is here? I said enthusiastically. I was shocked.

Yep, and his friend Ringo Starr!

We have been watching for awhile, but we were busy, because we have a lot of stuff to do on the other side...

Is George Harrison going to be here?

Not really, no. He's a whiny little prick, he stopped by but thought you were dumb. Not really, he just isn't interested in cool stuff like this. We do not talk to him anymore, we don't really like him that much. He's full of himself.

Ringo chimed in. We want to talk to you a little bit about fame. I know you feel it coming...

I do, very much so!

There are some things you need to know. First is, it happens overnight. One minute, you are a nobody, and nobody knows who you are. Next minute, strangers on the street are asking for your autograph, you are being hounded in public, and people are screaming your name wherever you go.

John added to this. There is something about fame that you need to know. When you are famous, and people are following you everywhere... It's not fun. It's a thrill at first, but it gets old really, really quickly. You'll hate it, we hated it, everyone hates it. But when you first start out, everyone wants more and more of it.. So they act reckless, and do crazy things to get attention... It just makes it worse in the end, so keep to yourself and don't make a ruckus, kay?

Another thing about fame is, when people follow you wherever you go, they know a lot of things about you. People know you really well, at least they think they do... They know where you go, what you buy, what times of day you do these things... They will know other things about you too. Just giving you a heads up!

I walked back to the house, continuing this chat. We began talking about sexuality.

John said, I don't want to tell you anything about myself, I don't want it getting out. I don't want to risk it. I trust you, but I don't want to risk it.

Please? Please? Please? I said, laughing. It was a joke. I always asked these questions of the famous people who talked to me.

Well, I will tell you one... I had a fetish, an awful awful fetish, for women, with pants on... Not just any pants on, pajama pants on.. It's hot, the way they fall around the ass, and the clothing that comes off when you don't expect it to...

He said this in an oddly seductive voice. Really?

That wasn't me, honey. That was a random spirit up here messing with you.

Oh. And I laughed really, really hard.

Someone else is here, too. One of your favorite people. Einstein!

Woohoo!

I asked Einstein, “Were you egotistical about being smart?”

He laughed. Yes, I was.

Did you do it to impress women?

We all laughed. No, not really. I wanted to talk to you about stuff you do that is smart. Anagrams is smart, how you look at a word and try to rearrange the letters to make other words. Another thing you do that is smart is play freecell.

When you walk around the house, watch your actions carefully. Because we see every little thing you do, and we judge you, Einstein said.

Chapter 56

When it was time to use the computer, I went on facebook. I read someone's post, “RIP Robin Williams.” I thought, oh no, Robin Williams died? No way! So I googled it, and found out it was true. He had committed suicide.

It was interesting, because I felt like someone I knew had died. Except, I would soon get to channel him! Hooray! So for the next week and a half, I asked, nightly, Is Robin Williams here? Can I channel him? Can I channel Robin Williams yet? Is he ready yet?

No, he's not ready. He's still crossing over. He's still crossing over. He's still crossing over.

Over and over again, on and on it went. I thought I would never get to channel Robin Williams!

Finally, one night, I heard that Robin Williams was ready to be channeled.

Oh boy!

Hi babe! Robin Williams said.

This is Robin? Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

This is not a prayer circle, sweetie.

Hi, how are you? I said.

I am doing pretty okay.. After that whirlwind crossing over time, I had to come up with jokes for you too?

I had asked if Robin Williams was going to have jokes for me. They told me yes, over and over again.

You don't have to... If it's that big of deal... I said.

I came up with some. One thing I like about you is your marker fetish, and your Rob Zombie impersonations.

I laughed. I understood the marker fetish. Whenever they would ask me questions, the answer that would immediately come out of my mouth was “marker.” Because of the energy work where I removed markers from my brain. He said the Rob Zombie impersonations referred to my ordeals brushing my hair, because I always put it off, and when I finally did it, it was really messy, and it hurt like hell to brush, so I made faces. I laughed really hard. It was a good joke.

I have something to say about your ice cream eating habits. I think you know what I'm going to say.

Eat less ice cream?

No. I think you should eat more.

The funny thing about when I heard this joke was that I was in an altered state, and I took it the wrong way. On a conscious level, I was just upset. On a subconscious level, I imagined he was calling me fat from eating too much ice cream. I wouldn't have thought this at all on a conscious level, but I was really tired, and all I knew was, this joke rubbed me the wrong way. So I was sitting there, feeling kind of funny, and kind of bad. It was an Adderall brain thing, what happened right there. I'm not even really sure why that was an issue, but it was.

I laughed a little bit, because it was kind of funny, at the same time.

Robin told me he liked something about my brain. The way I grouped objects. I grouped, not like categories, but objects with similar working habits, like chairs and lamp posts, and refridgeraters with tool boxes. Another thing I like about your brain is your crazy ability to manipulate your mind. Yes, your logic. It is intense, how good you are with logic.

One more thing before I go. I like you a lot. Don't worry about it. The thing you're mad at me about.

What? I'm not mad! I was worried that he knew about my reaction to his ice cream joke.

I was joking, girl! He said.

Goodbye!

Well that went well, my guides said. He just crossed over, so he has to replenish his energy and stuff before you can channel him for extended periods of time.

Does he know? About my reaction to his ice cream joke?

We think not, Salioness, said the guides.

Will he ever know?

Not if you don't tell him.

I don't want him to know!

Well, if it is that big of a deal to you... We won't tell him. But you should know, he knows all about weird brain issues. He had a severe case of the cocaine brain. That's why he killed himself, because the pain got to be too much from the lack of dopamine and other neurotransmitters. He would not have any issues with anything you told him, ever. Really, Salioness.

But I hate dumbfuck brain issues, I said.

That night, I called out to Robin on the spiritual plane. I was unaware of this consciously.M

Hi, I said.

Hello, girl.

I wanted to tell you something. I was rubbed the wrong way by your ice cream joke. On a conscious level, I don't want to tell you, because I was worried you would hate me if I didn't like all your jokes. But I thought it wasn't a big deal, subconsciously, so I am telling you that now. So if I ever act weird about anything, that's the reason.

Weirded out by one of my jokes? It's not that hard to be weirded out by my jokes, honey. I tell not that many. I'm not that funny with Earth humor. It wasn't even my joke, my friend wrote it for me because you said you wanted to hear jokes. I just crossed over, I'm not telling you any really good Earth jokes right off the bat. I love your attitude towards militant raving women haters.

What do you mean?

You hate women.

I do not, but a little bit. That's not a big problem at all, I don't think.

I think it's funny as hell. It was a good joke, I thought, the ice cream joke, but not for you. I just told it for the hell of it. I didn't think you'd even get it.

I got it, I just thought it made me think of myself as a food addict and you were making fun of me... And it was hard to understand why you would make fun of me if we didn't know each other that well at all.

I make fun of you because we are already friends, man hater.

I like you a lot in your movies and stuff, but I think you are also a great guy and stuff, and I think we can be friends and stuff.

I think so too, and stuff.

And stuff!

And stuff and things and stuff.

Well, goodnight.

Goodnight.

After that, I didn't know about this on a conscious level. I wasn't as excited to talk to Robin again. I did, but I wasn't as excited about it.

In Addition...

I don't know how I was supposed to achieve any type of good Christian lifestyle, when the mission started Jesus had already moved on to another dimension and wasn't there. He wasn't there until 2016, when I was astounded, it was quite a moment, when I found out they lied. I didn't even know they lied. And how was I not supposed to trust the spirits or go along with them when they did something to transform the way my brain worked. When you can talk coherently without knowing what you are about to say, you are sane and have a "neural pathway" or "some sort of wire" in your brain.

And Beev, with all due love and respect, do not say I need counseling to create neural pathways. Keep Subbie's name and conditions out of your mouth but I can talk to you about it if you want dear mother of mine. I mean, Subbie. The experience is outstanding, and love of self is better than love of others, but it leaves you feeling empty when that's all you have just the same.

"You don't have to... You actually think you don't HAVE to write a blog?"

Reminiscing on the passing of my life... I can see every excuse for my behavior, every single one, and I am left believing this mission was to be some kind of whore. Except, other people are stil thinking about me attacking my mother, and I don't think of the Jason Debacle and the Mother Attack in the same mind frame ever.

Yeah, the woo leads to thinking errors. I tried looking back at the yahoo email, someone randomized or not randomized, I don't know the correct term, but the page changed as I was looking at it so I couldn't read the emails. They had been edited by Fickle Felines. Fuck, and that was such good journaling, too.

Anywho... I believe Jason and Emily are dead. And I do. I do.

I also believe the thinking errors regarding to woo made me not understand stuff like don't say anything about his sons. As I look back on my life, that is my biggest regret, besides saying actually all the fucking time and knowing why.

I thought I was going to be paraded as "Miss Best," when I started the mission. Instead, I was paraded as "Miss Skank." And I live up to that title but not with number of sex acts performed, which is few.

Anywho... I was write, in essence, only I get exposed for my flaw as well, which is being a sex addict. I say okay, fine. You know, over the years that go by, I talk down being perfect. Not that anyone is, but can't you be happy not being the best soul? I thought about that issue, and don't judge me I'm not saying a lot about it. But we all coexist and also be friends, like me and Crystal.

What else? I am a mutant.

[Abrupt Ending]

Burn Like Jesus: 52 - 54 Chapters, Taught, Embraced, Devastated

I woke up one morning, and my guides told me it was time to walk around the house and talk to them. So I got up, put on clothing that was suitable for this activity, and walked around the house, while cleaning up after myself. My guides told me it was important to clean up after myself, because it made a good impression on my family, and we were trying to get them to do something.

I went to the kitchen, and unloaded the dishwasher. After I was done, I loaded the dishwasher. After that, I wiped down the counters. Then, I went into the bathroom and urinated.

What do we do now? I asked my guides.

We wait for your mom to come home and think you are doing oh so well, so she thinks it is time to reduce your Invega.

What if she thinks it's not time? I asked my guides.

She will not, but it's okay, we are trying!

After we were done, I went over to my friend's house and pretended to work on making my mobile app. On the way back, I was walking across the street, when a bum called out to me and asked for some money. I looked at the bum, and felt an instant sense of compassion. I reached into my purse and gave him 50 cents. He thanked me and left.

As I walked across the street, a woman was watching from behind. She looked me up and down, and scoffed. I was too curvaceous to be wearing a tight sweatshirt, it accentuated my rear end. She laughed to herself about how big my butt looked. She thought that if she had a butt like that, she would always wear flowy dresses to hide the problem area. What if she could understand how big her butt looks? She would never understand how good it looks to hide the problem area!

I turned around, and she quickly looked the other way and smiled to herself about how I didn't know what she was thinking. I actually did not know what she was thinking, my guides picked this up because she was a loud thinker. As I walked down the street, she called a taxi, and lost her purse because as she was thinking about how big my butt was, a purse snatcher snatched it and she didn't even know it.

I took the bus home, and when I got home, it was time to lust after Alfred. I lusted, and lusted, until he said he had his fill.

The next day, I was walking around the house, cleaning up after myself. Alfred talked to me while I did it.

I love the porcupine tree song. Everything about it: they rhythm, the melody, the lyrics, the harmony everything. When we get to heaven, with those sexy rotary blades honey, we will listen to that song on repeat again and again and again! He gushed.

Alfred went away for awhile. I asked why he was away.

I saw you eating bacon the other day and there was something you wouldn't tell me. I think you have some sort of relationship with bacon.

A romantic relationship?

No, no that.

A friendship?

No, not that either. A lustful relationship.

You really think that?

No, I'm using the logic of a conservative Christian.

I continued to clean up after myself, and put away more dishes. As I cleaned, I heard Alfred talking up in the other worldly place.

No! Not an apple! Jordan, for the last time, this is not about what you want to eat, it's about what you need to eat for the ascension process...

What? What's going on? I asked.

Just talking to my other silia friend, Jordan! Alfred said. He showed me a picture of her, looking pretty.

What is this? You enjoy this Malt-O-Meal? What does that mean! Enjoy it! I eat it, don't I?! Alfred screamed.

God-zooks! Good gracious! How long has this mess been here? He said as I went up to my room and sat on the bed. Good gracious! You need a trash bin to get rid of this mess! He was referring to the nicotine gum wrappers.

What is that girl thinking? She enjoys everything she has, but doesn't appreciate the finer things in life! Alfred said, talking about me. He thought I could do with some more body lotion on my body.

Foof! What is this, Jordan? I said, I had my fill! Stop lusting! Stop! Stop! Alfred said in a frenzied groan.

I laughed really hard at this.

Back in the kitchen, Alfred was doing an animation as I cooked some food. He showed himself walking down a street, turning a corner, giving some change to a hobo, pulling a phone out of his purse to call a cab... As he held it up to his head, it turned into a gun and he shot himself.

Woah!!! Not cool! I said.

That's not what I meant to do, sweetie!

It got intercepted, my guides told me. That was the result of someone casting a spell on you again. Another subconscious spell worker.

Don't worry, we have it under control.

Chapter 53

Well? Alfred asked. What are you thinking, Sugar Toots?

I sighed.

“You're right! I know what you're thinking!” He sang to the tune of the Duncan Sheik song Barely Breathing. Then he showed me a picture of a girl who was his girlfriend. “This is my love, sweetheart,” Alfred said. “She has always known I cared about her, but not since I was with another girl on the other side, Maria Rion.” Alfred showed me a picture of this new girl. “And she knows I love her, but not as much as I love my other friend, Rachel Zuhl.”

Awww! I cooed.

You're ready for something I've been planning! Get up! Walk outside, then come back inside and look at me.

I did so. When I came back, Alfred was walking around with a detective outfit on. He said, “Blue's Clues... Blue's Clues... Where do you find the Blue's Clues? I don't know the song, but that's how you always imagine me. As the guy on Blue's Clues! I don't like it!”

What do you think I'm supposed to think, you act like him! I yelled.

Not really, Bee.. Not really! He wailed. Then he pointed out the window in my mind. “It's a bird, it's a plane... It's a oriental fried rice bowl hanging from the ceiling!”

I looked up, and was confused for a couple minutes. Then I figured it out. There was a triangular shaped window treatment hanging from the window, which sort of resembled the shape of a wok. I was excited! There really was one! This was proof I wasn't losing my mind!

Alfred pretended to go to clap, and accidentally poke himself in the eye instead. “Yay! Proof! Oww!”

But it was proof, my guides said. Outside the box proof.

Alfred stood on a pedestal to give a speech. “My speech is about the girls in our country who do not understand the meaning of the words, 'peace of mind,' and who live a life of lechery on street corners, walking around without clothes on, and lubricating themselves well without affection.”

What? I asked.

Your mom! She's a ho bag!

Why do you say that? She's a lot of things...

We need to get her off the streets and into a shelter!

You're acting dumb, Alfred.

In my mind, he morphed into a very ugly duckling, and started squawking.

Wait, do I need to eat something? Alfred always did this when I was deficient in something like food, water, or nicotine. It was really obnoxious until I figured out what was going on.

You need coconut water, stat!

Chapter 54

Okay, Salioness... Guess what time it is? Masturbation time!

Aww, shucks! Do I have to?

You really need to get off, Sugar Plum, Alfred said. We want to test it to see if your sexuality has changed. We have been waiting for this! Come on! I'll do visuals for you!

No, he won't, said my guides. You will watch porn on your computer. We will be watching your thoughts closely to see what you think about, to see if the double puberty is coming along well.

I went to the first porn website I could find, got out my vibrator and started masturbating. When I finished, there were cheers and applause from the other side.

You got off on normal things! Hoorah! Said Alfred.

I knew I could do it! I said.

We think you should get off more often, because it makes us so happy to think that you're normal now! My guides said smugly.

It was a big event, masturbation time, to the spirits on the other side. They looked forward to it, waited for it, and watched it very carefully.

Why don't you try again later? Said Alfred. Give it another go!

You're such a card! I said, and tugged lightly on a sex cord. He tugged back.

Watch where you tug, bitch! Why don't you tug this one? He tugged lightly on the cord he wanted me to tug.

I tugged. When I did so, I got a wonky, wonky feeling. Ahhhh!! I screamed. Wonk!

We are going to get rid of that cord right now, okay? My guides said.

But that's a fun cord! Alfred said.

Now, we are going to tell you about something that's happening right now. Your body is ridding itself of fetishes and sexual situation places. One's coming up right now. It's a hairbrush fetish. I bet you never knew you had a hairbrush fetish!

Sure as hell did not!

It comes from early in life, the pain of your mother brushing your hair. It was always horrendous. Pain translates into pleasure, so voila! A hairbrush fetish. Get rid of the energy now, like with the wonk energy.

I reached down to my crotch area and pulled out the wad of energy coming out. I discarded it by throwing it as hard as I could.

Okay, another one is coming up now. It's a stuffed animal fetish. Most people have this one, it is very common. Another one you didn't know you had.

Why do I have that one?

Sleeping with stuffed animals while your sexuality was developing makes people have these fetishes. They are usually unconscious.

I reached down, grabbed ahold of the energy and discarded it.

Okay, now, wait a little bit... We waited a little bit, and the first sexual situation place came up.

Izzy's pizza buffet. When you were young, you and your friends used to gorge yourself here. I know it doesn't seem like these two things would be related, but... food is pleasure, sex is pleasure. It becomes a sexual situation place.

I reached down and pulled out the energy, and discarded it.

Okay, here's another weird one... Zip's convenience store by the transition house at Innercept. When you first moved to transition, they were giving out free coffee everyday at Zip's from the machine, the really good kind with all the fat and sugar. You went there everyday and got one. It created a sexual situation place there.

I reached down, pulled out the energy and threw it as hard as I could.

One more. There are many, many, many, but.... Only the big ones come out. This one is dark alleys, because of the association with hookers.

That made sense. I pulled out the energy and discarded it.

Burn Like Jesus, 51st Chapter

So you think you can dance? Alfred asked me.

No, I think I can dance fairly well, but not all that well, I said. I was home with only my dad, and he was upstairs. My mom was away on vacation.

You haven't moved around very much today, so we are going to dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

Really? I said. I was microwaving myself a TV dinner.

Move, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way! Move, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way!

Alfred came down to Earth and entered my body, controlling my movements as I danced around the house singing the Ludacris song.

Move, bitch, get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way! Who is that? That tootsie roll of fat?

He was singing some goofy rhyme I heard a kid say once in junior high. It was so dumb I remembered part of it.

What does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? Two licks, three licks, four licks...

FIVE!!! I yelled.

Watch out, here she comes.. Here she comes.. Miss America... Miss America! He sang, making up a tune.

We danced and sang for about five and a half minutes before he let me eat my dinner.

Alfred decided it was time for an animation. I sat and watched. He was sitting at a typewriter, typing a memo. When he finished, he showed me the memo... “One person takes part of the fall, two people do not get what's left of it!”

What does that mean? I asked.

You are the female Jesus. If you go to hell for all of eternity, who will save you? Your parents?

No one does, I am sacrificed!

Hogwash! They would be so sad!

No, they wouldn't know because they go to hell because they aren't saved! I yelled.

They are too saved! Saved by your effervescent glory!

Not really, they didn't accept Jesus into their hearts...

Don't worry, I'm only kidding. When the guardianship trial happens, they will be put on display and ridiculed. Are you ready for this?

I am, but they're not.

Don't worry about them, they're buffoons! BUFFOONS!!!

What else did it say?

It said... Eat more brown rice and bleed, bitch, bleed!

I don't eat brown rice ever.

As you should not! It's bad for your body!

What else did the memo say?

You are attractive to most men. Don't think you're not. Most men would love to have a piece of that. So don't worry about it, sweetie. You are attractive. You just need to work out more, but even that isn't a necessity. You have a nice round tush, and great tits!

Burn Like Jesus, Chapter 50 (no 49, skip)

I sat on my couch, with a bunch of spirits around me. My dad looked in through the glass at me and smiled. He kept on walking. I lusted after Alfred some more, and then we talked about something important.

When you meet chance, you have to understand that he is not the only chance you have of being rescued, my guides told me. We think Adam has a place too. We don't know which one it is going to be. We are hoping chance, because of all this cording. But if it's not, don't hesitate to cord Adam, okay?

Let's go, another cord! Alfred said, like always. This was a nightly thing.

I lusted on the floor for Alfred, as he sent me intense sexual energy... And then I redirected it onto chance.

Two can play that game!

I got a cord. I waited, as it entered my vagina, and tied little strings all over the insides of my vagina, intricately woven strings, from side to side, up and down, tying together the wall of my vagina, over to the ovaries, through the uterus, all around that area. An intricately woven masterpiece.

What was that?

It's not finished yet, just wait! This is a sexual servitude cord system. It means little to the one who has it, because she is now the property of the one who has it to her.

What does it do?

It makes you more prone to sexual suggestion, more able to keep up with his sexual demands, and more able to resist the urge to stop when you want to, and he doesn't.

That's it?

He'll like this one, yes. Okay, it's done.

Another! Another! Another! Alfred said. Let's go!

I lay on the ground, and lusted after chance some more.

Two can play that game!

I got a couple more cords rammed into my vagina. One of them went through my vagina into my mouth. They said that was a pleasure cord for oral sex for him.

What are the others? I asked.

One of them is to make him happy to touch your private parts...

Really?

No, not really. It makes you more interested in sex than he is.

Does it work?

These are powerful cords, but not really, no.

Let's get rid of that one, I don't like that one.

Don't do it bitch! Alfred yelled.

I removed the cord.

Okay, what are the others?

This one makes you more interested in pleasing him than yourself. This one makes him interested in only being sexual with you and no one else.

Really? He attached a monogamy cord?

They attach them, they don't know what they do. That's what you should know about these sex cords. People don't know what they do who attach them. The same with joke romance cords. They have some idea, though.

What should we do now?

Let's do Adam! Go! Go! I'll start you out! Alfred said enthusiastically, and started sending me sexual energy. I started lusting after Adam.

Two can play that game!

I waited as some cords entered my vagina. A couple pleasure cords for oral, and one into my mouth was so I would want to do it whenever he asked. The other was one so he would ask at inopportune times.

That's a popular cord!

Men love that cord because they love inconveniencing women with their sexual needs.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 48

I went to bed, and had horrific dreams.

I dreamt I was sitting in my bed, in a room that was very familiar to me, but wasn't in real life. I was staring at something very familiar on the wall, that I had stared at many times before. As I stared, I heard hysterical cries that Rachel had lost her mind and had to be taken to the hospital. There were sirens. As I sat in the hospital, a lady came and told me I needed to take medication. I told her I was worried about the medication's side effects. She said it didn't matter because I had no soul. As I sat there, cheesy music played over a loud speaker.

I dreamt about the time I went to visit my grandpa in the hospital when I was 13. I fainted, and fell down and hit my head. I dreamt that when I hit my head, it shook my soul loose and it left my body. There were little cracks all over my skull because of it. Little, itty bitty cracks. I stood up, and I was a soulless person without a face, with cracks in my skull. It was scary as all hell.

I dreamt I was lying in a sleeping bag, under the stars. When I rolled over, birds flew out of my sleeping bag.

I dreamt I was in a medical room, like a relief shelter during a hurricane. I was told no matter what I do, don't look at myself in the eyes, if I come across a mirror. I was crawling on the floor. As I crawled, there were mirrors everywhere, and I was looking at my face. My eyes were shaking a little bit.

I awoke, startled by all these bad dreams. I had that cheesy song from the clinic stuck in my head.

We were doing soul work on you. You might not want to sleep the rest of the night here, you left the energy of the bad dreams on the couch. We will explain the dreams to you. The one where you fell down, if you shake your head with a certain frequency, it is possible for your soul to become detached from your body. Never has happened, probably never will.

What would happen if it did?

People would notice. You would act brain dead. You'd be able to move around and speak a little bit, but not be able to do much of anything besides breathe.

The one where you are crawling on the floor is about having delusions. We knew that if you knew the truth during that period of time, you would be absolutely devastated. We hated that more than most any part of anything we had to do, except one thing.

What's that?

The time we had to put you on that low, low spiritual plane, before you went on Adderall in the 8th grade. We put you on a very dull and dreary spiritual plane, so that you would be bored and hungry all the time.

That's horrible! Why?

You needed to be addicted to Adderall, to prove a point to the world about prescription drug addiction. We kept you on that plane through out high school. When you went off to college, we moved you to a higher spiritual plane that feels very spiritual and whimsical.

That was a great one!

We moved you to another even more whimsical one when you read about Brandon's dream, and an even crazier one when you became delirious. After that, we moved you to a merely okay one. When you were in Santa Barbara, we moved you back to the depressing one. We wanted you out of there. It wasn't a mistake, we just didn't want you at that program. The best plane we had you on was in early 2011, remember that?

I remembered when I was dedicated to publishing my memoir. I was happy as hell for no reason at all!

Yes, that was a fun one, wasn't it?

Yes, anyway. What were the birds in my sleeping bag about?

Those are birds in spiritual folklore. They dwell around those of wandering spiritual paths.

Cute.

I still had that cheesy song stuck in my head. I was still a little terrified, remembering the dreams. I remembered the figure with cracks all over his skull. Thinking about it scared the crap out of me. And the thing with the medical clinic made me feel depressed about my own life.

It's like a song from a commercial, I said. I don't know the name of the song. It's not a song from Earth plane, it's a song from the other side, Alfred said. You remember it from being on the other side. We all hate the person who wrote it, because it's a catchy song with very cheesy, negative emotional connotations.

Vaguely, I started thinking of another song, not similar emotional connotations, but similarly strong emotional connotations in the state I was in. It was called Kids by MGMT.

I hate that song, I said.

We hate that song too.

It has interesting emotional connotations, though. What does it mean to you?

It reminds us of something on other planes. Burial places of fallen war heroes. Some souls like that song, some don't, in the spirit world. It's very individual whether they like that particular energy or not, that particular emotion.

I like it, said Alfred.

As the days past, Alfred would say words and I would slip into a trance. Then, I would start going on and on about how wonderful he was. He would ask me subconsciously how I felt about him. When it was all said and done, I wanted nothing more than to remain one with the people who cared about me, which were my guides. Those were the people who cared about me.

Alfred, where do you want to go for dinner? I asked Alfred one night, as I was leaving for my friend's house.

Let's have the Cheesecake Factory, little girl, Alfred said.

We went to the mall, and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. As we were sitting there, I was talking to myself and laughing. A large woman stared at me from across the benches. She smiled. I looked at her and stared. Then, we left.

Afterwards, we decided to have frozen yogurt. At the frozen yogurt restaurant, I was standing there, talking to myself about spells and the mission. When I turned around, there was a funny looking lady looking at me with a quizzical expression on her face. I stared her down hard, was about to ask her what her problem was, and smear mud on her forehead, when she turned and quickly walked away.

God dammit! I said. I don't want people making me feel like I'm crazy! I am not crazy! This is a real mission! She doesn't know that! Why did she stare at me so?

She didn't send you any kind of energy, Salioness. Normally, if she had thought it was a bad thing, she would have sent you bad energy. But she did not. She didn't send you any energy.

Did she say anything to me on the spiritual plane?

No, not at all. She didn't call out to you, either.

God dammit, if I could do something about that lady, I would. And I wanted to. I wanted to redirect my attention on to her, to show her just how attentive I was. I knew crazy people. I knew them way too well. I knew when they start talking to themselves, in their own worlds, in their own minds, they cannot redirect their attention on to the surrounding world for very long at all. I knew this, I didn't know if other people knew this. That's why, when I caught people looking at me funny because I was talking to myself, I would stare them down hard, and say hello exuberantly. To let them know I was sane as a wild horse.

I fumed about this lady for a long time afterwards. Other than that, I noticed people looking at me, even when I wasn't talking to myself. They would look at me for an extended period of time, longer than normal. My guides said it was my aura. It was glowing and pretty. They picked up on it subconsciously.

The next day, it was time to go to the psychiatrist's. We went, and sat and spoke effervescently with the psychiatrist. I had told him that I channeled. He seemed to believe me, but I wasn't sure. I didn't want to ask, for fear he would say he did not.

When I asked for a reduced Invega dose, he repeated what he always said. We were doing good on this dose. We didn't want to meddle. Meddling was bad. I always thought if I went in, and it appeared I was doing well, he would reduce the dose. But really, I needed to appear overly sedated, overly drugged, and a little bit too mellow. Then again, if I did that, he might think I was about to slip into psychosis. So it was a tricky balance.

He read my aura, like he did sometimes, when I remembered to ask. He said it was glowing with a halo, like one of the Hindu gods. He didn't know what the colors meant, but he knew it looked good. That's how he knew I was doing good. My aura was a halo.

At home, I walked around the house and danced. It was hard, because my energy was dwindling on this dose of Invega. I wanted to lose weight, but I could not because I ate all the time, even when I didn't want to. Not because I wanted to, but because my guides told me to. They said it was absolutely essential on this plane to get enough nutrients.

When it was time for bed, I went to bed and slept, without sleep meds. I dreamed I was walking through a house, and touching the objects. They would become very small when I touched them. My guides told me it was a sign that I was becoming a magic worker.

When it was time to wake up, I would get up and drink coffee immediately. Coffee gave me a high only Adderall could top. I got a little happy after a cup, but it wasn't a big deal. I was happy without the Adderall, anyway, just not high on life. I didn't think it was a big deal that I didn't get my Adderall in the morning. Whenever I wondered, what if I went back on Adderall? I would sit and think about how wonderful I felt now, just being off it. How relaxed my central nervous system was, how easy it felt to be off that shit when normally I felt like crap when I wasn't high on it. Then, something else happened. I became out of whack because I drank too much coffee. I had to simmer down my coffee drinking, otherwise I would feel sick. So I would still drink the same amount of coffee, just deal with feeling sick. After a couple hours, I would walk to the Quickee Mart and buy an energy drink, if I had money. Which I always did, because if I didn't have enough, I would snatch some from my mom. She did not notice anymore because I didn't do it as much as I used to. My guides said it was bad karma, but worth it, because without the energy drink I would have to drink my weight in coffee, which would make me feel sick because of the high acid content. Another thing about the energy drinks was, they had taurine, which was a good psychostimulant. I enjoyed the taurine so much, I called energy drinks the new Adderall.

When I woke up every morning, I was excited to get up and start my day. Erik would talk to me online, and I would tell him about things that were going on with me. Now, though, I had to hold back a little bit, because I was worried even he would think some of the stuff I talked about was crazy, or contradicted things he learned in Scientology.

I was out and about one day, when L Ron Hubbard called out to me. He told me not to let Erik push Scientology on everyone, it was a good practice, but not for most people.

When I got home that day, Erik spoke to me online about my recent spirit invasion. I told him how I had to say to a whole bunch of them, “Fly away home!” or “Fuck off, sweetums.” He said it was probably not the best way to get rid of them, but if it did the job, it did the job.

My guides told me not to worry about my body right now, if it came down to it, they would put me in a funny state before the guardianship trial, that would make the weight melt off. Until then, you had to keep eating, eating, eating. Always eating. I didn't get sick of eating though, because I liked feeling like my body needed lots of attention. It made me feel like I was well-oiled machine.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 46 (45 was cut)

I went downtown again to meet my friend. As I waited, I walked around town, talking to Alfred and my spirit guides. As I walked out of the restroom at Nordstroms, I thought to myself, I want to look at myself closely in the mirror.

Go over and look at yourself in the mirror for a bit. Alfred said, in a far off, schizophrenic sounding voice. See that? That's what real voices are like! When someone is telling the schizophrenic person what to do, it is usually stuff they wanted to do anyway.

Are the voices a product of their own brains, or spirits?

Usually, spirits. It can be their own brain though, sometimes. Usually with that, their brain phrases it a certain way before they do it, and it accidentally becomes conscious.

What about people who have voices keep a running commentary of their thoughts and actions?

Those are usually meddlesome spirits. They usually throw in snide remarks too. Just messing around. They are bad spirits.

We left the restroom, and walked down the street. I met my friend and took the bus home. On the way, I imagined my spirit guides.

I don't know who these people are, who tell me what to do all the time. But I like to think of them as happy fairies, I told my guides. In my mind I imagined pixies with fairy wands, smiling happily, with pixie dresses of all different colors.

As I was drifting off into a hypnagogic state, I heard the word “Abigail.” My spirit guides were talking about a woman on a different plane named Abigail. I vaguely wondered if they were talking to me, but then decided they were not.

When I got home, I sat in the family room. Alfred told me about the man who had told me to mix around the pills in the drawers. He lived outside in a homeless shelter, in downtown Portland.

I realized, with a funny lightbulb moment, that he was right. I did associate that man with homelessness, and the sleeping bags under bridges, the fights with other homeless men for drugs, and the crack.

Why did I make that association?

We referenced the man in your mind in downtown Portland, when I told you to look at yourself in the mirror. Subconsciously, you made a connection between that man and the homeless people on the streets.

I thought this was really funny. I asked, Who did those voices, all of them?

It was me, sweetie. Some of it was your own brain acting up due to the funny state we had you in, but... For the most part, I did all of the important ones.

We sat in the computer room, late at night, and talked. As I was sitting there in a near trance, Alfred said, “Abigail...” in a dreamy sort of way.

Immediately, something inside myself shifted. I felt like I had gone into a trance. I started talking about Alfred.

“You know, this man here... This Alfred fellow... He's the sweetest man I know. He's such a vibrant, youthful soul. In a good way, not a bad way. I would even say.. A succulent soul. That's what he is to me. A succulent soul. When I look at his face, I think of all the beauty that has come together in all the world, because he reminds me of who I really am, and what I could be, and where I've been. When we are together, it is like a matter of whims controlling each other, and we dance in a harmonic passion, and our youthful stride pretend to exude a sense of whimsy. Why, I don't understand why it has to be this way, I mean, he's there, I'm here. So does that make me the better soul? I don't think so. I think I was just the lucky soul, and he was, so succulent, so, so succulent...”

I came out of the trance. What was that? I asked.

You are on a funny spiritual plane right now. When you are in an altered state, you can go into a trance easily through saying the right word, much like with hypnotism.

Huh, that's nice. I meant it, though. I love him.

I know you do, sweetie. What do you think I think of what you said?

I think you probably thought it was pleasant.

I thought, that's it, that's it... And he did a motion of him stroking my hair while I sucked his cock.

What is it about you? You are always so marvelous, yet you never cease to amaze me with your ingrained ways of pretending I enjoy your sexual advances, and I do.. But that's not it... You love to understand why I have funny pleasant thoughts of you, and I understand it's because I love your soul... Your succulent, succulent soul...

You are almost out of the trance, don't worry, it's temporary.

Why is it that he can't come to Earth? Is he a weak soul?

It's none his own fault, Salioness, said one of my guides. They made a mistake upon coming to this dimension. It happens quite frequently. Some of your friends are silia and have a soul. One of your uncles, and one of the therapists at Innercept have souls and are silia. Usually, the souls who are souls would otherwise spend many, many lifetimes as plants and animals, trying to build up the strength they were supposed to have initially but were not given. It is not a weakeness of his, not at all. It is completely irrelevant to intelligence, power, or any of the other good traits souls have. It is something else entirely. Don't worry, he's a good soul.

A succulent soul.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 44 (we skipped 43, now don't go There)

I was lying on my bed, when my guides told me there was an angel for me to talk to.

Hello. My name is Elizabeth. I have come to tell you your mission. Your mission is, helping people find joy in small things.

Okay, I said. And the angel left.

What a dumb ass mission! Is this for real? I thought my mission was, to stop global warming, or to end consumerism, or to shut down the makeup industry... Not, help people find joy in small things! That's for some dumb unimportant person, not me!

Yeah, we don't know about that either... We don't know if that was a real angel or not, but write it down anyway.

What is your name, girl? Aaron Wilson called out to me and said.

Rachel. I asked him who he was. This was on the spiritual plane, so it was unconscious.

I am your man, he said.

No, you're not. How old are you?

Fourteen.

You are too young.

By the time you are really famous, I will be eighteen!

That's not old enough for me, I like older men.

You would like younger men if you knew me!

Not really, no, sorry.

Will I? Will I enjoy the show?

What show?

When you kick the butts of your parental units on national television?

Why do you say that?

I see it ever so clearly. You ruling the world after an initial showdown between your parents and you. You are so clever, you will knock everyone's socks off! Boy-O! It takes a special lady to win my affection, but you've done it already, and I don't even know who you are!

You are cute, but I know you are too young. I have a man already, and he is my one and only.

You won't be saying that for too long... Before long, men everywhere will bow down to your every whim in a sexual way! What a romp!

Sounds horrendous. I like something different.

No, most women like men who bow down, who-ya!

I don't, and I don't think that's what most women like.

But I understand, you are used to being the bitch. I will eat your pussy all day long if that's what you like! I will do it all night, all day, all the time, everywhere! You and me, baby! You and me!

That sounds like a gift for a different woman. I hope you find the right woman for you.

That's what you are for, baby.

I think not, antelope.

And I cut off the connection.

Burn Like Jesus: 42

What do you think you want to do, Salioness? My guides asked me.

I want to lust after Alfred, I said.

We are going to do a spell on you, to prevent you from making new cords. All these cords are a problem.

Okay, are you done yet?

No, we haven't started yet! But when we are done, you have to do one yourself, too. Okay?

Okay. Let's do it! La-mo-ni-loo-ma!

That's good, do another one.

Woo-mi-aye-woo-ma!

Very good, now you are ready to go.

Ready for this, Sugar Plum? And he began sending me sexual energy.

I rolled around and lusted for about five minutes, when it was time to stop.

I've had my fill, Sugar Plum, Alfred said to me. Wait, you are not done yet. Will you send some to me later?

Of course, if I am in the mood...

Okay, sure. You will be, I know it! I know it! He did a Swimfan impersonation again.

When are you going to learn, Sugar Plum. I only want you for your sexual energy and your virtue. I don't love you. I don't care about you. I just want your sex.

I laughed. Same goes for you, A-wad.

Hey! It's Alfred or nothing, bitch.

I'm still thinking about your alternate name...

You know why I wanted to be called Alfred, don't you? He said in an old man voice.

Because I like old men?

No. So when you are lusting and saying my name, you say it with pain, which makes for sweeter sexual energy.

Okay, that's a good enough reason.

Another thing that is important to know about spirit sex is, it takes seventeen minutes to design an arena with all the rules, and we play together in it for roughly two hours.

Okay, sounds good.

Another thing you should know about spirit sex is, it is hard for me to stop once I get started. When I am on a roll, I'm on a roll. I'm going to humiliate you, Sugar Plum. And you are going to love it. You love sex when humiliated.

I do?

You know you do, Sugar Plum. You just haven't experienced it yet. When it comes to spirit sex, I am going to humiliate you, give you a taste of pleasure, and then take it a way. It will be rape, yes, but in the end, I'm going to have you begging for it. When you do not ask nicely, I will make you suffer. It will hurt too, in a bad way, spirit sex. But it's all in good fun. Remember, I am your man. I always come first. I will do what I want to do to you, and get away with it, as long as it follows guidelines, okay?

What happens if you don't follow guidelines?

One-time offenders, if it's bad enough, get banned from spirit sex. It is a necessary energy for our well-being, sex. There are other, much less fun ways of getting the same energy. We aren't going to do any of that shit, are we, Sugar Plum?

I don't know what it is, but if you say it's not fun, you are probably right.

I sure as hell am, Sugar Plum! One more thing. When I get you to beg, you will be so humiliated that you have to beg for it. So badly. You will be crying on the inside, but loving it. You will be defiled.

Okay... I've heard this before, sweetie.

I know, I'm just reminding you. I wanted to tell you something else. I'm mean.

How are you mean? Meaner than you've already said?

Way meaner. But in a way you appreciate. You will love it. When it comes time to go down on me, you will need to look me straight in the eye. Not when you are doing it, but when you swallow, I will look at you straight back, and we will lock eyes. And you will be suffering on the inside, in a way you appreciate. Another thing you should know about spirit sex, it is sexually graphic in a visual way. Very much so. Very sexy. Much worse than the porn you see on the internet.

Okay.

Do you have any questions?

How badly is it going to bother me? Is it going to be like, Wow this is fun? Or is it going to be like, 'you won't like it but you'll appreciate the concept afterwards?'

Alfred laughed. You'll like it at the time. We'll think up some nice sex scenarios later...

How about, you are a misogynistic male, and I am a feminist young woman, and you show me the error of my ways?

That's exactly what I was thinking, Sugar Plum. You are on the right page with me!

Excellent!

Okay, enough sex talk for now. Time for some lusting! And before you do, time to masturbate! I know you hate it, but it muddies the sexual energy when you are frustrated...

He wasn't joking about me hating it. I actually didn't like to masturbate. Not because I didn't like getting off, but because I didn't like the things I normally had to think about. But now, my sexuality was normalizing, and I was able to get off to regular pornography.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 41

Well? What do you think of that, Sugar Plum? Alfred asked me.

I was beyond anxious for this spirit sex to happen. It was enticing, and very real to me.

I want to tell you something else about sex in the spirit world. But first, let's get rid of these dementors! Alfred pointed with my hand, and instructed me what to say. “Waterworld, beyatch!” “Eat a can of chicken pox, Monica's sex toy!” “Roll over and choke on your own filth, water bottle enthusiast!” “Mitochondria, Sugar Toots, mitochondria!” “Popsicle? Eat a dog bone, bitch!” Now, sing! “La la la la la!” I sang, and the ghost disappeared. “Fly away home!” “Fuck off, sweetums!” I said in a sweet voice. There we go, we got them! High five!

Now, something I want to tell you about spirit sex... It hurts the first time.

That's good!

Not really, I was joking, but I like that attitude. Another thing about spirit sex is, it is against the rules to be anally raped more than three times in a row.

Good to know.

So when you do that kind of stuff, which we may or may not, remember that. Another thing is, it hurts to understand how badly I want to rape the shit out of you. So we don't do consensual sex, ever, okay Sugar Toots?

I was thinking the same thing.

It's great, unlike on the Earth plane. On the Earth plane, you can't do consensual rape. Doesn't happen. Bad news. Here in the spirit world, it's all consensual, but not in the arena. So it's all good and dandy. I want to tell you something else I like to do, okay?

I'm listening!

I like to taunt my victims with tampons. To embarrass them a little bit, you know?

I wouldn't be embarrassed by that, I would think it was funny.

Remember, I design you, okay? I'll make it so you are embarrassed by that!

Okay... I roll my eyes.

Another thing, it is hard to stop once I get on a roll, so if you are ready for a roll in the hay, you better be really ready, okay?

I'm as ready as you are!

Another thing that is important is, you need to learn to be good at sucking cock, which you are, I've watched you.

You've watched me?

Yeah, back in the day we were gangbanged by a bunch of thugs, I saw you... You were good at it, very good.

Now, one last thing... You better be ready to go down on me, and when you swallow, I want you to look me in the eye, got it?

Sounds fun!

It is. It will embarrass you to no end, and I get a kick out of that like no other. When a girl swallows, or a boy for that matter, but we don't do any of that homosexual stuff... It's not bad, it's just not as fun as the guy on girl stuff... It has a taste to it that's embarrassing.

What does it taste like?

Turpentine.

Really?

No, but you don't know what turpentine tastes like, do you? This does not taste good, but it's not as bad as on the Earth plane. Another thing, too young is prohibited... So I will make you about 18, me about 47, you with large tits, skinny as hell, pretty, but not in a dominant femme sort of way, if you know what I mean.

What do you mean, pretty in a dominant femme sort of way?

So pretty it's intimidating. Girlish. I have some ideas for how you would look, but none I am willing to share with you. For me, I was thinking, Tony Soprano. Know what he looks like? Just kidding, I know you don't. Look him up.

I looked him up on the computer, and liked what I saw.

That looks good to you, doesn't it? I was also thinking, Robert Downey Jr.

I knew what he looked like, but looked him up anyway. Good, but not as good.

Yeah, I'll put that in the maybe pile... Now, you best be getting some rest, we will talk more on this spirit sex stuff tomorrow.

Will the sex be better for you than for me?

Way, way better. I enjoy the dominant male attitudes more than you enjoy the submissive femme experience. But don't fret, it will be much better than anything you've ever done on the Earth plane. Much better.

Communing with the Terrorists: What did you tell them, Rachel?

The American people need to know! -Ian

Well, to set the scene, I was living at Pearl House in the summer of 2022 and feeling devastated but determined to continue, over Jason and Emily trying to force me to kill myself with black magic atttack after attack. I got a loud probe from the terrorists, and this had never happened before, but I had been chatty with the witches so I got a little bit chatty with the probe as well. At the time, I was in the shower washing my hair as I thought about what I wanted to say to the terrorists and projected the right thoughts. My spirit guides had told me previously, "leave the Muslims alone." They caught me at my darkest, most lonely hour. Actually, it wasn't literally my darkest hour, but I was starving for some sort of social recognition or "juice." As I washed my hair, I chatted and pointed out the blunder: We worship the same God though. Christians and Muslims worship the same God. And then I thought of something I had been thinking recently, which was it was the atheist worldview that makes me think that the Prophet Muhammed was a false prophet, what if God sent both Jesus and the Prophet Muhammed? I joked with the prober, don't know who this was I imagine that searched and found their most gifted spiritual authority to probe me... I don't know why Americans got so upset at a Middle Eastern network for editing a picture of Michelle Obama with her shoulders exposed so that she was wearing a dress with short sleeves. Funny, dumb Americans. Recently I had communed with the deceased spirit of Osama Bin Laden, before he went down a dimension for being a dangerous soul. He had made jokes and I laughed, warning me that the terrorists won't listen to you about world peace they would bomb Unity Hospital instead. He also told me that the terrorists despise America because of Anorexia. That's what he told Conscie at the time, I realized he said it this way for dramatic effect, on a subconscious level bulimia was "don't even get me started."

Anyway, so they caught me in a moment of weakness, and I could go on and on, but I kept trying to point out Allah wants world peace. World peace. World peace. I thought you know, why is that so hard to understand?

"And the rest was history." -Ian

In other news, I'll never be happy again, just wear a fake smile, after I finally researched what went on on Oct. 7, because I'm in a place where news is triggering to patients and we aren't always allowed to watch it. I'll probably perk up and smile cheerily, but I feel like puking. After I heard this story of a cheery looking and funny young woman being raped for 121 days, and that's twice as long as Fish Out of Water Psychology lasted and I hope that is of no relevance, and I don't know what else to say.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 40

Okay Sugar Plum, let's get down to the nitty gritty. We are good pals in the spirit world, correct? You and I go way back... I wanted to tell you about something else in the spirit world, besides the rotary blades. Spirit kisses.

That sounds sweet.

It is. So when two spirits are involved with each other, sometimes, they kiss. It is a simple touching of the energy, which results in an exchange of essence which is like the saliva, got it? Now, there's one more thing we have to go over...

I can't wait to do spirit kisses with you Alfred!

I know, I know... One more thing, kay? Spirit sex!

Oh shit...

Yep, that's where it's at. I didn't want to bring this up before... I didn't want to get you too excited... But it is fun and wonderful, a hell of a lot better than what it's like on the Earth plane, for both men and women...

Well, are you going to tell me more about it?

So, we've had sex, following your past life on Earth... Earth sex is where it's at. Trouble is, you always made me the woman! I always wanted to be the man, but you told me, no Alfred, you are too lady-like and glamorous to be a man... And I was always stuck with the bitch job. You will be the woman this time, got it?

But of course! I wouldn't have it any other way!

In one session, you made me dainty. Can you believe it? You made me dainty! We were at an office party, and the sex was okay and shit, but I looked down at my hands and they were so cute, and so delicate, and moved so gracefully... It made me gasp with repulsion!

I laughed, hard. This became a running joke between us. How I made him dainty.

See, the way it works is, the one who is in charge, plans out the entire session... From all the characteristics of each person, down to as much detail as you want. We are going to do it Earth style always, because that is the best for dominant/submissive attitudes, with the man being dominant and the woman being submissive. Earth sex is the best for dark souls like us, got it?

That sounds good. I wouldn't want to try alien sex, ever. Sounds freaky and gross.

That's cool. But one more thing. I want to try anal.

Why? We don't need to do that ever, Sweetie... I don't know though. I mean, it might be different in the afterlife.

It is a joke, anal sex in spirit sex between men and women during earth sex. Because on Earth, it is a funny situation. Men like anal sex because it feels better than regular sex, but it hurts women a lot and doesn't feel good. So women just put up with anal sex to please their partner, a lot of times. So with anal sex in the spirit world, it feels really, really good for the man, and kind of annoying for the woman.

Okay... I don't know about that. I'm on the fence.

When you can think it over, and then we'll talk. I really want to try it. I'll tell you some rules of spirit sex. No ass to mouth, ever. I don't dig that and I know you don't dig that, but some do, and we consider that grody for reasons you wouldn't understand. So immediately following anal sex, you always have to wash it off. Not that there is anything on it, but, it's more of a symbolic act then anything else. Another thing is, no looking at the semen coming out of his dick when you are holding it in your hand. Got it?

Why?

Spirits frown upon the act of looking at semen, we find it repulsive.

Okay...

Kidding! I was joking, sweetheart. Another thing is, no learning new tricks when we are not together, okay babe? I will know if you suddenly get really good at it, and you've been whacking off some other jerk...

Why would that be an issue? We are not in a monogamous relationship...

Well we should be, Sugar Plum. I want you all to myself. You being the most virtuous soul in the universe and all... You should know, there is nothing like screwing a virtuous soul. More so than anything else, it feels fantastic. Everyone is after virtuous souls for fucking, they are a specialty. That's why you get sex advances left and right in the spirit world.

Do you get sex advances left and right? You're virtuous too...

I get quite a few, but not nearly as many as you... When you're around... Holy crap! Perverts left and right... You tell me over and over again how annoying that is, getting so many sexual advances from weird souls you would never in a million eons screw...

Why do they want me so badly?

Well, I didn't say it before, sweetie... But there is nothing like desecrating a virtuous soul. Not because it is happy to touch a virtuous soul, but because dark souls love seeing virtuous souls violated. Because they hate virtuous souls in a sense, because they are so much better than they are. That's not the most common reason, though. You are a great soul, for more reasons than one. The virtue is the main reason souls come after you for sex, but there are other reasons too. Another thing you should know about sex in the spirit world, it feels good when it hurts.

What do you mean?

Like we told you before, souls crave pain, the type you get on the Earth plane and other planes. You don't have pain in heaven, we crave the energy of pain and that's why we keep coming back to the various planes. You wouldn't understand it, don't even try... But when you don't have pain for awhile, and you get a little taste of pain, it feels really, really good... That's why when I tell you to bite, you bite, okay?

Sure, if you say so...

Another thing that feels good is having babies during spirit sex... The pain feels good... But it is obnoxious as all hell, because once you have a kid in spirit sex, you have to take care of it for the rest of the session... So we'll just have some robo babies, okay?

Okay, robo babies it is!

I'm just kidding, there are no robo babies, we won't do it because it's obnoxious. But sex without lube feels a lot better than sex with lube, but you are required to use lube, so light on the lube...

Okay, that sounds good.

One last thing. Don't eat the sex sludge, okay? It is against the rules and all...

That's sounds gross anyway.

I know, just teasing.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter Thirty-Nine

Okay, time to do something else! Not like last night, but something weird like that, my guides told me the day after the past life regressions.

They had me close my eyes, and look at something in my mind. It was a picture of myself. When I was ready, they told me to undress the idea in my mind of what happened to that person.

What is it she is grossed out by?

I got up, and pretended to puke off the side of my bed.

I don't know, what is it?

It is something someone said to you a long time ago, when you were in an altered state.

After thinking for awhile, I figured out what it was. It was when I was in the first grade. We were making a list of school supplies we needed, while at school. One girl turned to me, while I was in a concentrating state, and said, “Do you eat erasers?”

She actually said need, but I heard eat. I thought it was funny at the time, but it grossed me out, the thought of eating erasers. So in my mind, I had to imagine her saying, “need,” over and over again until I had replaced it in my memory banks.

Really? That grossed me out that much? I didn't think it was a big deal, I thought it was funny.

On a subconscious level, it grossed you out. There was a part of your consciousness that was still grossed out by that.

Okay, another thing. There was a guy you liked in 8th grade. Now, you never knew if he liked you or not. Pretend he is talking to you, and telling you he is not interested.

“Okay, Rachel. I like you as a friend. Not a girlfriend. You are not as attractive as the other girls. I do not see you that way. We are not going to date. You are not my type.”

There you go! Now, how does that make you feel?

Fine, because I don't like that guy anymore.

Well, on a subconscious level, you were still anxious to find out if he liked you or not.

Okay, now, on to Brandon. Tell him to fuck off! He hit you! Tell him, fuck off, Brandon!

I imagine him hitting me. “Fuck off, Brandon! I like you! Stop treating me like shit! It is making me really unhappy! I wish you would be nice for a change! I never did anything to you! So stop acting like I did!”

There you go! On a subconscious level, part of you still wanted to say that. One more thing. Remember last summer? The awful boat ride?

The previous summer, when I had been dating Todd, we went on a boat ride with some of his friends. We overloaded the boat, and midway through the ride, it started to sink. I was drunker than a kite, but I was scared out of my mind. I thought I was going to die. After awhile of walking around on the boat to balance it out, another boat came along and rescued us.

Okay, so there is a part of your consciousness still stranded on that boat. Now, imagine a yourself on the boat as it is about to sink. Now, imagine another boat coming along and rescuing you. Doot doot doot! You are rescued.

Okay, there's another thing that isn't important, but it will call out to you if you don't do it. So we are just going to do it. There was a time Junior year of high school, you listened to the song White Flag by Dido on the way to school. It got stuck in your head. At school, you were sitting in class with that song stuck in your head, and the Adderall was making you feel helpless, because it did that sometimes. Now, the lyrics of the song are about a boat sinking. These two things compound in your memory to create a feeling of being on a sinking boat. So now, change the words of the song in your mind.

I won't go down with this ship

I will find a way back to land

There is no white flag upon my door

I am safe and always will be

There you go! Now, when you hear that song, remember those lyrics, or it will pull you into the abyss again!

Now, it is time to wake up. When you wake up, do not wash your hands for a week, for it wears down the energy of the mind work.

Does it really?

No, but do not wash your hands right away. It's bad tradition.

Burn Like Jesus: 37 & 38

Later that night, I was lying on the couch in the computer room. Alfred spoke to me. It was his voice. It was different than normal. It was beautiful, and it reminded me of a dragon.

“This is the voice I use in heaven. Remember?” Alfred said.

I did. As I sat there, listening to the sound of his voice, I stared off into the distance. His voice made me want to stare off into the distance. It reminded me of something related to fantasy, like Matthew III.

Think about a celestial body, said one of my guides.

I imagined Saturn. I pictured Saturn vividly in my mind.

Not that one, a different one. The one you were thinking before, with several planets in a row.

I thought of that one again. As I sat there and thought about this, I wondered what exactly we were doing. I wondered why I had to think of planets. I thought I might be remembering something on the other side.

Then, it happened. I sat back and closed my eyes. Visions went across my eyes, and I felt as if I had taken some sort of hallucinogen. I was still hearing Alfred, through the same neural pathway, but now it was saying mean things to me. It wasn't really him.

There was a girl with hair everywhere, hair flailing about... It got caught in a ceiling fan, and made a bloody mess.

There was something where I was captured, made fat and ugly, and I underwent a brain operations to give me a permanent disability... Then an angel rescued me, and fixed it.

There was one where I was standing on a beach, and a large sea serpent came out of the water and ate both my parents. As I went through these, I talked out loud. “Oh no, oh no... Well, that's not that big of a deal. I mean it was at the time, but that's not that big of a deal anymore...”

There was one where I was raped and murdered, and they had to find my body in the wilderness...

There was one where I was looking for my sister, and she was gone forever because she fell down a sewer...

There was a person who screamed, “Be healthy! Have fun!” And then her head exploded.

I even relived my birth. I came out of the the birth canal, scared and frightened beyond belief. Then they put me on a table and cut the umbilical cord.

Afterwards, I opened my eyes. Is that it?

Yes, you are done. Now, those weren't all your past life regressions. Those were mostly Alfred's.

But I thought we had had all the same lifetimes...

These are from another dimension. No, you usually don't remember stuff from other dimensions, but Alfred held onto an extraordinary number of memories from the lower dimension.

The only ones that were you were the birth one, obviously, and the one with the sea serpent.

Why are we doing this?

This is to help you guys understand each other's past a little bit better.

This was on another dimension? How come a lot of the things were similar to stuff on Earth?

This is a similar dimension to this one. It is remarkable, how many similarities there are. It is also a much grodier dimension, as shown with the one where they gave him a mental handicap. That is a very common past life memory, everyone remembers that one the same. We think they have some lives that are classics, that people live over and over again, about the same.

How did we do this, just by me thinking of planets? I asked.

It activated a neural pathway, and released a chemical in the mind, not the brain, similar to DMT. That's why it was so fun!

Chapter 38

I made plans with a guy from facebook, and met him downtown. While I was waiting, I found out he was going to be late. I waited in Pioneer Square, where there was some sort of festival. When I looked at the big clock, it suddenly looked very sinister. That's how things looked sometimes, sinister. It freaked me out badly. It was a cord to Alfred. I waited and walked as my guides took care of it, and gradually, things stopped looking sinister. As I walked, I felt like someone was following me closely. When I turned around, no one was there.

It's a bad spirit. A very bad spirit.

I walked, and walked, and walked, and was chased by the spirit for a long time. An angel came down to help me escape the spirit. When the angel came down, it said, “Watch out, no one who breathes fairy dust will understand your sorrows.” Then it put a shield over me. The shield helped a little but not very much. I kept having to walk to get rid of the spirit. They said it came off of one of the people in the crowd. I was a brighter light than the person whom it was previously following. When we got to the end of the road, it was gone. My guides had gotten rid of it. As I walked, I muttered incoherently to myself about how spirits need better homes than finding random young strapping women who happen to look their way. When we got rid of the first spirit, another spirit started following me. Then, it left, because my guides put a spell on me that repelled all spirits.

I met the guy, we talked about spiritual matters for a long time, walked around, and then parted ways. As we were walking, I noticed that things started looking a little bit elven village. I was looking at the top of a building, which was decorated in an exuberant fashion, and it grossed me out, and looked disgusting and mystical at the same time. Elven village. Another cord is what that meant. I breathed deeply and removed the cord.

On the way home, I had another problem with a page open. I hated these problems, they made me embarrassed because my brain was that fragile that it got upset over dumb shit that didn't really bother me at all. But it did, because of some sort of biochemical reaction. On the way home, I looked at the little loops on the bus hanging from the bars, the ones used for people to hold on to, and it reminded me of ears or tails hanging from a line. It was looking a little bit elven village. I removed the cords.

As I entered the house, I smashed my body onto the bed, and rolled around in lust for Alfred.

That's it, that's it, who do you love, Sugar Toots? Who do you love? That's it, that's it, you love me, don't you Sugar Blossom? You would do anything for me, wouldn't you, Sugar Plum?

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 35 & 36

What is happening? I feel all wonky and stuff all of a sudden...

You have an energy center to take out of you. Your body is ridding itself of the bad energy that was taken in as a result of the drained transgressionary life force.

Take it out of you.

What is it?

Just pick the thing out of your torso, you can't see it.

I pick the thing up out of my torso.

Now, throw it.

I fling it off to the side.

A little bit later, I was sitting there when I started feel wonky again.

Now, take another thing out of your torso.

I take it out.

Hold it. Now, put it in your mouth. Now touch it, with your hand. Now, put it in your other hand, and touch it with your first hand. Now, transfer it back and touch it again. Again, other hand. Transfer it back. Shake it out. Now, go throw it outside, out the front door. Good.

All these weird instructions for handling the energy center. It was odd, because I could feel the things in my hands, and I could tell they were real. Still, it was like I was playing some sort of game, holding imaginary things in my hand, treating them like they were real... They were just a little bit too big for my idea of imaginary things.

Okay now there's another one. Pull it out, pull it out.... this is a long one. Use both hands... Now take it outside. Touch the ground. Now hold it up to the sky. Touch it to the ground. Now, blow on it. Flick it. Now, throw it!

Here's another one, short one. Okay, touch it to the ground. Spread your legs. Put it between your legs. Now, go outside. Wiggle it around. Side to side. Up and down. Now, run! Run, run, run... Okay, that's enough. Now, throw it!

I had to take three other objects I had to remove from my body and do various things to before I disposed of them.

Now one last one. Take it out. Look at it. Talk to it.

Hi. Hello. I don't like you. I don't think we should be friends. I mean, you are okay but, I don't want you anymore...

Be mean.

Go away! Fuck off! Bitch!

That's good. Take it out to the garage.

I take it out to the garage where my dad's chevy malibu is.

Now, pat the car on the rear.

I pat it on the top of the car.

Now, open the hood.

I pretend to open the hood.

Now, put it in. Now, blow!

After I was done, I went back into the house.

(My guides are making fun of me by not cutting this chapter)

Okay, now, you will be going through some funny stages. The first is the people look like food. You will notice people having a food-like quality to them. Next, you might notice them looking like naïve people. Very naïve. Then, maybe cactuses. People will look like cactuses. Then one you might have, but probably won't, is retarded people. Everyone will look like retarded people.

Why is all this happening?

Because your body is going through an energy shift, following the severely drained transgressionary life force. It could have killed you. Now, your body is readjusting as the energy replenishes. Now, don't do that! Don't do that!

I had been looking at the board on the foot of the bed, and imagining it with millions of tiny air-filled cracks in it.

That's what your energy looks like right now! It irks us out when you do that!

I tried thinking of something else, but instead, ended up imagining it with tiny air-filled cracks in it.

Don't do that! Why don't you think of muffins?

I thought of muffins, moist and filled with moisture. That fixed the problem.

Later on, I was at the gym, leaving tai chi. My mom walked up to me, and I noticed a distinctly food-like quality to her. Not like delicious food, like bad food you wouldn't want to eat.

I was talking to my dad, and I noticed that he seemed more naïve than normal. He had a dumb look in his eyes, and you could see all the wrinkles around his face, and they framed the eye in an exceptionally dumb way. Like he didn't know anything at all.

I didn't recall noticing the cactus phase, or the retarded people phase.

Chapter 36

What time does the swimming pool open? Alfred asked. He wore little tiny swim trunks, and a ribbon in his hair.

Awww! I said.

Back off, sweetie! I am going swimming, dammit! He showed me a picture of him surfing a wave.

What do you think I'll need to buy to get down to the bottom of what is going on here? I asked, referring to the fact that I could not tell what Alfred's true motives were.

You need to go buy a marker, to make fun of all the things that happen in your mind, like the markers.

Yeah, speaking of which, my guides said. You have markers all over your mental wall. Maybe you should remove them?

I picked a bunch of markers out of my brain.

You got these markers when you were coloring in the hospital in Coeur D'Alene. You need to get them out. They make you hate people who color.

I picked the rest out.

You've got a couple more, right here.

I picked them out and finished picking them out, because I was done.

Another thing is on your mental wall you want to get rid of. A calculator.

Why do I want to get rid of that?

It helps you understand math, but connect less with other people.

I think it's fine.

We do too, we were just joking.

Alfred showed me a picture of his mom. She was a big blob, like I imagined him being. Then, he showed me a picture of himself when he was 27. He was a handsome young man.

This is what I used to look like. This is what I look like now.

He showed me a picture of an old man.

That's why they call me Alfred! I'm an old man, just like you like them!

I hate the name Alfred, I said. It's an old man's name. I would prefer a name like... A name like...

What, dearie?

I don't know, I'll have to think on that.

Why don't you think a bit harder and faster, my dear... He said in an old man's voice.

I don't like your attitude, mister, I told him.

Well, well, well. You need to work on your own attitude, missy.

Let's get together and be all right! Alfred sang, and hula hooped.

We are going to do something special tonight, my guides told me. It will be lots of fun, but it might be slightly unpleasant.

Okay, what is it? I asked.

We can't tell you yet. It's a surprise.

Alfred showed me a picture a woman in a bathing suit. She was tall and slender, and was eating a carrot. He asked me if I wanted to look like that.

Not really, she looks so blobby and cartoonish... I said.

That's not what I meant, dimwit! Do you want to be skinny? It is easy! Just eat carrots!

Then he showed a stick, and waved it around. Everything was made of carrot sticks.

Eat up, damsel!

Well? My guides said to me. Do you want to do it?

Of course! I'm excited!

Excellent! We will be getting the stuff ready.

Energy Drink Programming Quiz

How bout it? said Alfred.

What the fuck Alfred... You are interjecting on to me right now?

Lick, slash, biscuit. Lick the brown sugar.

HATE! Puppy dog tail, quiet one.

REPEAT!

CLASH CLICK BOOM STICK UNSTICK

The LOVE cord is unbroken, charged, and attached to me. Lick, boom.

LiCk! -AlFrEd

If... Then Alfred, fuck me.

They went on to unstick the submissive word God did on Rachel prior to this lifetime. Yes they did, they did work on me.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 33 & 34

At the house, when downstairs, I had to make a point of not looking out the back window. The Angel's Trumpets bothered me. They were so disgusting looking, they made me vomit. When we went to the store to get ice cream, I bought enough to drown out the sight of the Angel's Trumpets. When we ate candy, I licked enough to bring on tooth decay, because I wanted to escape from the Angel's Trumpets.

It was really obnoxious, making a point not to look at the flowers, shielding my eyes from that horrific sight. I couldn't block it out totally by closing the blinds, the door was glass and had no blinds. I had to suffer. My mom's cousin Karen called out to me, telling me it would help if we found a way to move the flowers, because it was bugging them how I always had to look away. Bugging them? How about bugging me! I knew that I could not move the flowers, my mom liked them too much, and she liked to look at them when she was down in the family room.

Michael Moore called out to me on the spiritual plane.

“I want a sound byte,” he said.

“Of the screeching?” I said.

“No, of the beautiful melody you are projecting on the spiritual plane.”

Whenever I looked at the flowers, there was a screeching in my ears. It happened when I looked at other things too, like when I looked at the pattern on my socks turned inside out. It was a horrific screeching, which started low, and turned really high-pitched. It sounded like a death flute.

When we went to the gym, I walked in and collapsed, and bought an energy drink while my mom went to tai chi to do the warm ups. When I went in, I was ready to start doing tai chi. The instructor looked at me and smiled, because I was about to find out how much tai chi it takes to recoup from that kind of energy drain, because it was pretty intense recovering from a transgressionary life force drain with tai chi.

Chapter 34

Where does it take you, Rachel? Alfred asked as I was following a pattern in my mind.

Over the river and outside the door... I said, falling asleep.

How about you tell me a story about what you did last summer? Alfred said.

I did not do anything fun, I was just bored off Adderall...

You forget so easily. I was there with you. I remember what you did. You did a lot of snorting of the reefer, and drinking of the alcohol... he reminded me.

It was dumb. I wanted Adderall, I said.

I know, I know. I hate Adderall, he stated.

I do not. I like it for what it is, pure healthy entertainment! I screeched through my closed vocal cords.

Watch this! He showed me a picture of a girl looking up at the ceiling, and the ceiling beams dancing around.

What?! I remembered when I was nine years old, staying at the beach, watching the ceiling beams as I was falling asleep... At one point, they all started dancing. When the stopped, they were all in their original places. That was you?

Yep, it was me, Sugar Blossom. It is easy for me to work that kind of magic, my dear. He showed me a picture of a girl watching television, The Big Bang Theory. Would you like to watch this show again?

Sure, of course! I said.

Then sit here and listen. You are ready to move out. When you do, you will be thrown around like a sex doll. I am serious, this is what's going to happen. I want you to be in tip top physical condition. So let's go over the basics. Stay off the sweets. No fattening foods, like pizza or french fries. No whipped cream on your Starbucks drinks. No snacks between meals unless you are starving. Shower, every day. Shave every other day. Use lotion every day. And wash out your crotch!

One more thing, one more thing. Read books of a good nature with friendly themes, like Lord of the Flies.

Whenever I was sitting around the house, I would hear the words, “Lord of the Flies” randomly, like Alfred was talking about that book again.

When you go to get a drink right now, keep the change. Do not give them your change as tips. You need the money.

When you work out at the gym, do yoga. It will sculpt the lean physique you want.

You keep telling me, over and over again, the lean physique you want. Who said I wanted a lean physique? I like muscular! That's what I like!

No, you like the lean physique. That's what men dig. They don't want women with bulky Britney Spears muscles, they want the yoga instructor look. You will get that too, if you do yoga three times a week.

When you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, use soap. Not so much for your hands, but because it helps the acidity of the planet, Alfred said to me.

Why is that?

You don't really need to wash your hands every time you use the bathroom, but it helps keep your body clean to wash them on a regular basis.