Stigma

So I hear that mental illness has a stigma. I know this, but I operate like there is no stigma. Which is probably a bad thing.

Maybe I am just sheltered from the way other people think. But I remember how I was, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I secretly thought people who were bipolar were cool. Some of the coolest people are bipolar.

I remember being at camp, and a girl was telling a story about how she was driving with her mom out in the country, and she looked behind her and saw a bus. There was no bus there. Her mom told her that. But she's like, "mom, I see a bus!" I secretly thought this girl was cool.

I don't know what it is. There is something about having a few screws loose that I think is cool.

However, it's annoying when it's you. And you mom is like, "Rachel, your brain is just so delicate! You are very fragile! You have a very fragile brain!!!" These kind of statements annoy the fuck out of me. So I would go to great lengths to try to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.

Even now, I think I have a mental illness. But I wonder if all the events that have happened have been purely random.

Bipolar people are cool because they are different. They have dealt with shit. I think people are cooler if they have dealt with shit in their lives, and not everything has been easy.

But I try to join the group of people, like how some autistic people are, who are like, it's not a curse it's a blessing! So maybe through being bipolar, I can unlock the brilliance of my own mind.

Mania is great. But it's hard when you have finally achieved the state you want to live your life in, and everyone tells you have to be medicated to the point where you feel confused and have low self-esteem. I finally got what I've always wanted, why must you take it away?

Listening to Your Gut

So I think I have mentioned before that I attend bible study. This is a bible study at my apartment complex, but I think I'm the only one who attends who actually lives there. These people are hardcore, conservative, fundamentalist Christians. I am quite different from them, but I attend every week, so that I can expose myself to different people, and so that I understand the bible better, as they usually point out things about it that I hadn't noticed reading it by myself, or mention the significance of things that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

Bible study occurs on Thursdays and it didn't happen last week. The week before that, something kind of weird happened. We start by eating, then we have prayer requests. I had been thinking before I got there that I was going to have them pray for a situation involving some of my friends. But then, as I was sitting there waiting for my turn, I suddenly felt this determination to ask them to pray for the publication of my book. I had previously thought that maybe I should do this, but I had decided against it, because I am very quiet in this setting and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. Also, I wasn't sure how they would feel about my book if they actually read it. I mean, on the one hand, it has a message to it and it's definitely a Christian message. On the other hand, I believed I was Jesus and that could be seen as blasphemous. On top of that, my delusions were clever but kind of dirty and sexual and strange. In my book I do a lot of "sinful" things. So I didn't want to have them pray for something they might not agree with, though I knew that I meant well and I didn't have any bad intentions and any power I might receive from having my book published I would use for the greater good. But I wasn't sure so I decided against it.

However, two weeks ago, I randomly felt this determination to just say it and get it out there. I had to wait along time for my turn, and I was slightly uncomfortable, but I was determined. So when it was my turn I asked them to pray about my book and I told them it was a memoir about bipolar disorder. This news that I had written a book was greeted very positively by them and everyone was really excited, which made me kind of uncomfortable but at the same time I felt a great amount of relief that I had said it. One of the women there who is like the main lady said she would ask God about it. Now this lady, and a lot of the people there,  claim to talk to God, and they actually have God respond and stuff. I know to a lot of people this sounds like they are a bit crazy and they are a bit crazy but at the same time I think they really are tuned into something. I don't fully agree with what they believe in but I justify it in my own mind by thinking of the idea of "many paths to the same destination" when it comes to spirituality.

So I was waiting all week after that to see what the God told the lady about it, and I was disappointed when bible study was cancelled last week because I had to wait another week. So I came back to my apartment complex yesterday right before bible study and I was a little late like I always am and I noticed that there weren't enough cars in front of the main building to indicate that bible study was happening. I thought, "Oh no, God told her something bad about my book and now they are avoiding me!" Then I went up to the door and there was a sign that said bible study was moved this week to the park right by the complex. As I walked to the park I was nervous, both about what God told the lady and because I had gotten into some trouble at my volunteering which people at bible study are affiliated with due to a lapse in judgment on my part and I had to find a new volunteering place. Anyway, I walked to the park and found the bible study group and they were all eating, and they warmly welcomed me. I was sort of expecting the lady to tell me right off the bat what God told her but she didn't say anything.

So after awhile it's time for prayer requests, and this is when I find out the reason why I had been compelled to bring up my book at the last bible study. As it turns out, there had been a lady there, an older lady who was someone's relative who was visiting. She had schizophrenia, though she took meds and had it under control. Apparently for the first part of her visit, ever since Monday, she had been acting pretty down and in low spirits. When I mentioned I had written a book on mental illness, and she saw everyone's reaction and how they didn't see mental illness as something to be ashamed of, it made her feel much more comfortable and there was a big change in attitude after Thursday and she was in high spirits for the rest of her visit. So by mentioning it, I had helped her out. Everyone was really grateful to me for bringing it up.

I didn't tell them how I had felt strangely compelled to bring it up, but they did mention that the lord must have been working through me by having me do it. And I know they are right about that.