Life Situations

So I'm really happy because I'm on this new drug Metformin, which is a diabetes drug. I don't have diabetes, but this drug can help people on antipsychotics lose weight. I think this is going to work. Now I have both the energy to exercise and the will power to not overeat. So unless someone fucks with my drugs, this is going to work.

That's this ever-present fear I have, I'll get in shape, and then they go and fuck with my drugs. Usually, because something happens, like I have an episode. Like, a serious episode, where I go batshit crazy and they have to fuck with my meds. And that changes my appetite and motivation.

So really, what I have to do now, is keep taking all my meds. Because I don't want anything bad to happen.

Episodes themselves are crazy and fun. When I look back at my life, and the times where I was happy and having a good time, it was because I was delusional. But no more of that. NO MORE OF THAT! I have to be happy with reality. God dammit I hate reality.

So, anyway, I have that on track. I have a few invasive bad thoughts from time to time, but that's tolerable. I am doing tai chi, which should help bring back my psychic abilities.

Psychic abilities can be annoying. You are sitting at home working on something, minding your own business, and then it's suddenly like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you!" And you don't know who, or what they are saying, but you feel your aura being invaded. And then later you get confirmation, like that happened and Erik told me he had been talking with one of my friends about the time she first met me. So I was correct.

And you feel all this random energy all the time, and you don't know where it's coming from.

But the cool thing is, you can look at people's pictures and feel things about them. And you are like, why didn't I feel these things before? And you get confirmation on that stuff too.

But anyway, the problem is this objective C shit. I am trying to learn objective C, the programming language, in order to make mobile apps for a living. I am convinced I could make the next Angry Birds, or at least the next Plants vs. Zombies, if I were to ever learn how to use this x code thing with objective C.

I think I need one on one instruction. I think that's the only way I am going to learn.

It's really sad, because I feel like a low life mooching off everyone. I have no income. I am going to get SSI, but I have to wait six months and that will only be $700 a month.

Innercept: A Pricey Death Camp

So I am just fucking going crazy here. For awhile I felt this strong sense of caring about everyone and how my actions affected everyone. Now I just feel like I could punch everyone in the face.

I just want to get the fuck away from this Innercept nightmare. I want to get it the fuck out of my life. I don't want anything to do with Innercept. I don't want to be here. I want out.

When the fuck did the meds I was given every help anything? Name one time I took the medication and as a result I got better, or my thinking got clearer, or something. It has never happened. Not once. The meds just fuck me up. I don't give a flying fuck I don't want to pretend they help when they don't. If you think they are helping it's like the same thing as the placebo effect. You want them to help so it affects your perception.

Despite everything I still trust my instincts. If you want me to stop, you should probably give me some drugs which put me in a coma. Or just kill me.

And leave Erik out of this. Erik has nothing to do with anything. It's me.

This life is killing me. I hate it. I hate it so much.

A Balance of Chemicals

So I have been trying to get into the ways of the exercise freak again. I worked out early in the morning most of last week and I was reminded that I actually love it, as funny as that sounds. I get up at 5:30 and walk to the gym which is really close by and do the elliptical for 30 minutes. Then, I eat something. Then I have this bad habit of buying an energy drink and drinking that, so I feel all pumped while I do weights. Last week I lost almost 5 pounds.

Trouble is the Klonopin withdrawal has prevented me from working out this week. I worked out Monday but that's it. I've been eating differently, not perfectly but differently, but that's okay because in recent times slight changes in my eating habits cause me to lose weight pretty quickly. But then, for some reason, when I go home to Oregon I don't even necessarily eat more but the weight comes back. Or maybe I do eat more and I just don't realize it.

Klonopin withdrawal has set me slightly off balance chemically. Not to the point where it would be hard to get me back, actually I am sure I will balance out by myself if I just give it time. How it feels though, I don't do the rapid cycling thing but I get a little bit of the low feeling I used to experience before during my downs. And I am reminded what that was like. God, that was like the most horrible thing ever. Not really, I'm sure there are worse things, but it was pretty bad. It is the feeling of being extremely emotionally vulnerable. Someone says something to you, or looks at you the wrong way or something, and you interpret it to mean that they hate you. And then you start thinking, God, everyone hates me, hardly anyone likes me. And rightfully so because I am just a horrible obnoxious person. I never felt this way before I took these medications.

And so I think God, what I have gone through. I have gone through a lot. I didn't even realize that I've gone through so much. Being put in a chemical state where I was emotionally vulnerable at a time when I had so much to be insecure about. It is no wonder I was so fucking suicidal. I thought I had just been being immature. I realized that I don't give myself enough credit.

And then I think about the way that Innercept is and I get so annoyed by how they prescribe prescription drugs like they are nothing. Especially antipsychotics. Now abilify is one thing, I have experience with it and I know it works quite well at pulling you out of a severe emotional funk. But then there is Geodon. I never knew emotional insecurity until I took Geodon. WORST DRUG EVER. No, actually, Seroquel is the worst drug ever. I think it is so weird that they prescribe it for depression. When I took it for a short period of time, it made me feel like absolute shit. But that's not the reason I think it's not good for depression. The reason is because I know that it makes people gain massive amounts of weight. Sure, it might work for depression, if you think that suddenly becoming really heavy is going to help your self esteem.

Anyway, that's all for now.