Resorting to the Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors

So, I have this problem. This problem is that my brain thinks it's psychic.

Actually, I am psychic. But I think I am psychic in a way that I am not. I imagine people having conversations about me. Then I convince myself that they are real.

Actually, I don't really actively convince myself that they are real, but the trouble is my brain reacts to these conversations as if they were real.

Sometimes they are happy. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's like, hey, wouldn't it be nice if this one person said this about me? So I imagine them saying it. And then it's like, Wow, I can't believe this person said that about me! That's so sweet! Then I am happy.

Then it's like, the chemicals go awry. And without my permission, unhappy things start entering my head. And I am like, oh God, I am psychic! People are talking shit about me!! BLARGH!!!! AHHHHH!!!

I must clear my head. Clear my head. Drink some caffeine, beer (NO NOT BEER!!!!) and clear my head.

Alcohol works best. But I'm not supposed to be drinking anymore.

THOUGHTS LEAVE MY HEAD!!!

Wasn't there a time when my head was clear? When I didn't have to imagine imaginary conversations to be happy? Because that's what I do, imagine imaginary conversations in order to find some sort of peace and happiness. But it gets out of hand. I look at a word, and subconsciously, I associate it with something in my life, good or bad. Usually bad. And then I start fucking freaking out.

It's chemical, man. I need to change the chemicals in my brain.

I think I might have to resort to the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

Caffeine, Innercept, and the Insatiable Need to Control

My apartment was searched by Innercept staff a couple weeks ago. Knowing I didn't have anything embarrassing or secret in my apartment, I was fine with this. Today I go back and find that they removed the one Starbucks double shot I have left in my fridge. Seriously?

So I drink caffeine in larger portions then Innercept would like me to. Innercept has this insatiable need to control me. I'm going to drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day and there is nothing you can do about it. Two shots of espresso in a double shot is nothing. Seriously, that's nothing. You are wasting my money by throwing away my food/drinks.

There was a time when I had trouble with too much caffeine. That was when Innercept has me on the horrid drug Geodon. Time after time I told them it was bad, but they wouldn't take me off it until it came to a point where they really had no choice. These days, I have more trouble with my mood when I don't drink enough caffeine then when I drink too much.

Truth is, Innercept doesn't know what's best for me. I'm going to do what I think is best. I have adjusted to taking in large amounts of caffeine, to the point where if I only take in small amounts I have the energy equivalent of someone on a depressant.

I hate it how Innercept automatically assumes that if I am going through a harder time it must be because I am drinking too much caffeine. Innercept needs to accept the fact that they have no clue when it comes to my life. Just leave me alone. That's what I think.