Breaking Attachments

I was sitting in church the other day when I was thinking that I had problems with attachments to people. I was worried that this was some sort of disorder I had as a result of growing up so isolated. Not physically isolated, mentally and emotionally isolated. Because I didn't talk to very many people.

What I wonder is, why is it upsetting to have people that like you? Do people find it upsetting? So I liked this guy in college because I saw something great in him, and I felt great when I was around him. But he always pushed me away. And I think, isn't it a compliment that I like you? It wasn't like one of those guys on facebook who tell me they looked at my picture, and they fell in love. Because that is bullshit and solely based on physical attraction. I liked him because I thought he was someone interesting. And most people I find boring. But he was interesting. It was his personality, it had nothing to do with his physical appearance.

Maybe it's my fault the way things turned out. But I'm starting to hate him. And it's not real, true hatred. I couldn't feel that for anyone, but especially not him. But I have made great progress with this in the past year, and I find that if he hates me it's not really that big of a deal. I feel a sense of disgust now when I think about him, which is something new.

I would always be nice to him if he were to be nice to me. I guess, I wouldn't even secretly hope for a miracle where we could be together. I'm okay with him hating me now, because I have transferred my feeling for him, and the energy I put into those feelings, into feelings for other people. Yes, people, not another person. Plural. Because I have this strange ability now to have feelings for many people at a time.

I guess, what I'd want to say to you is that, maybe my opinion means nothing. Maybe it means nothing to you, at least. I know you hate yourself. But my opinion is that you have something about you that is really fucking awesome. And maybe that just makes you hate yourself more.

When Small Actions Hit Nerves

I find myself torn apart with regret. But lately I've realized something: in a way, these things make me wiser. Because I can see common threads between my mistakes and the mistakes of other people, and I can forgive them for them much more easily.

For example, I know what it's like to beat yourself up over something: repeatedly, endlessly. Then, you feel that someone else is looking down upon you for the exact thing you beat yourself up over. It's the most maddening thing. I give myself enough shit because of this. I don't need it from other people. As a result, I don't hold things against people that I know they themselves deeply regret.

Another thing is, I know what it's like to have a lapse in judgment. People got mad at me for something I didn't even realize was wrong. It baffled me. Was it really that big of a deal? Apparently it was. As a result, I understand that other peoples' lapses in judgment don't necessarily mean they are bad people.

At the same time, as I'm thinking about this, I feel the hypocrisy in what I am saying. I know that hatred is always wrong, but at the same time I constantly struggle with feeling something akin to hatred toward a particular person. What it is is, I have reason to believe this person knew about my delusional issues, and as a result they removed me as a friend on facebook. For people who know about me and my issues, it's not the obvious person. I forgive the obvious person.

Actually, it might not be because of the delusions themselves, but rather some of the stuff I said when my judgment was severely off due to whatever the hell it was that was going on with my brain. At any rate, it's something related to my delusional issues. I feel very positive that it is, despite the fact that really I am ignorant because I don't really know exactly why they removed me. So I make assumptions. I assume it's something that would piss me off. And I get severely pissed off.

As a result, this person has become a symbol in my mind, the target of a great deal of the anger I feel about what has happened to me. The thing is, I can explain myself and my actions every step of the way. I know what it looks like and I know why it's not what it looks like. It's not that I don't think other people have better things to do than sit around and talk shit about me. Because really, I do. It's not that I just randomly make up stories about other people and convince myself that they are true. My own brain executed all this in an extremely elegant fashion and it deceived me. I had evidence, but it was based on the way certain things fit together, and I didn't think this kind of thing would happen just randomly. Ever since I moved off to college, I knew something extraordinary was going to happen during that year. There was a point where I became delusional on a subconscious level before it became conscious. I can remember thinking certain things at certain points that later were part of my delusions. I didn't realize I was thinking these things till later, but looking back I see how these thoughts affected my actions. And when I finally did become delusional, it became clear to me that this was an exercise in trusting myself, in believing in my experiences without having external proof.

I could say more but I don't want to get too far into my issues. I remember all the anguish and pain. This is a hot button issue with me. There is so much emotion attached to this issue, and by judging me without knowing a damn thing about it you really hit a nerve.

But maybe that's not even the reason. I've said stuff while I was delusional that I deeply regret saying. It was because my judgment was severely off. I don't understand why you would think I was thinking clearly. Wouldn't it be obvious that I wasn't? This is also a hot button issue, because it is something I don't forgive myself for. When you give yourself enough shit over something, you don't need it from other people.

So maybe I am ignorant. Maybe that's not the reason you removed me as a friend. But based on the evidence, it looks to me like that's the reason. When I first noticed that we were no longer friends, I wasn't pissed off. For a long time I just felt absolutely worthless. Then I realized that I wasn't worthless and I was angry at you for making me feel this way.

So this is why I hate you. For this I am deeply sorry. I'm not proud of the fact that I hate you, because being a hateful son of a bitch is nothing to be proud of. And in a way, the fact that I feel anything at all is a compliment. Because I don't hate people whom I've never respected, and I once respected you. But you really hit a nerve.