Dead Mother Fucking Serious

So I wanted to talk about ADD meds.

I get annoyed. So, my doctor gives me a prescription for Adderall, instead of Ritalin like I've been taking for the past month. Ritalin and Adderall are very similar only Adderall is more potent. I don't freak out when my mom doesn't fill the prescription right away, I wait a couple days, then I ask her to fill it and she tells me I am being a fucking drug addict.

The truth is the drugs are addictive but they are also helpful. So I talk about them being addictive, because it's kind of ridiculous that a drug with this much addiction potential is handed out to children. When I was a kid, I was forced to take these drugs. I didn't want to. I complained but my parents insisted. Oh, so now I'm a drug addict? Because you forced me to take a highly addictive drug, and I got addicted to it. I don't think that's all my fault. If it weren't for Adderall, I would have never tried other drugs. Adderall was a gateway drug.

But it helps me. Because it gives me the power and energy to work on stuff. Without it I might as well be dead. So I am sick of my mom telling me I'm a drug addict. Like, that's going to make me say, "Oh no! Maybe I should stop doing drugs!" Who the fuck cares what kind of drugs you are dependent on as long as it doesn't cause you problems. Like, I am also dependent on bipolar meds. What I am trying to say is, I don't take it as an insult that you call me a drug addict. I just don't like your yelling and screaming and acting all pissed off, because I don't like it when people are this way about anything.

It's like, you knew when the doctor prescribed them to me and I was a little kid there was a potential for addiction. But you thought, oh, that would never happen to us. You probably thought that wouldn't happen.

Really though, in all honesty, it's much better to have me on these drugs than off these drugs. Because I have learned that when I am on them, I will make use of the increased energy and concentration they give me and put it toward productive projects. Without these drugs, I will probably look for a different way to alter my conscious state, like I did all last summer. Which will get me no where. You don't understand how I am. I get restless. I get bored. I get unhappy with my conscious state. And I can't work when I am just normal, off drugs. Adderall makes me direct that energy toward something productive. Otherwise I am more likely to run off and smoke pot and drink. I feel like some people might say this is a weak argument, but in my case, I am dead mother fucking serious.

Fiction, Delusions, and Art

So I have come to a point where I can accept that I do have a mental illness.

There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.

Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.

When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.

I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.

And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.

But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.

It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.

But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.

I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?

Innercept: A Pricey Death Camp

So I am just fucking going crazy here. For awhile I felt this strong sense of caring about everyone and how my actions affected everyone. Now I just feel like I could punch everyone in the face.

I just want to get the fuck away from this Innercept nightmare. I want to get it the fuck out of my life. I don't want anything to do with Innercept. I don't want to be here. I want out.

When the fuck did the meds I was given every help anything? Name one time I took the medication and as a result I got better, or my thinking got clearer, or something. It has never happened. Not once. The meds just fuck me up. I don't give a flying fuck I don't want to pretend they help when they don't. If you think they are helping it's like the same thing as the placebo effect. You want them to help so it affects your perception.

Despite everything I still trust my instincts. If you want me to stop, you should probably give me some drugs which put me in a coma. Or just kill me.

And leave Erik out of this. Erik has nothing to do with anything. It's me.

This life is killing me. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Kicking the Benzos

So I have decided to kick my benzodiazopine habit. See, I take Klonopin. I used to take 1 mg at night. So I told my doctor I wanted to quit, following the success of me kicking my nicotine gum addiction, so now the doctor has me down to a half a milligram.

Klonopin was something I would take not because I particularly liked it but because it altered my conscious state. I would take it for anxiety, which meant during one of my freakouts about my many issues. I am obsessive and insecure and get overly embarrassed about every single thing. Some of these things are actually embarrassing and some aren't really but I obsess anyway, because I get in these moods where I am just so god damn uncomfortable. And if I think you are judging me based on one of these things that I obsess over, you are going down on my enemies list.

Damn I hate withdrawal symptoms. Plus I realized the other day that adderall was the reason I get so god damned angry sometimes. My sister called me the other day to vent about the things she was angry about. She doesn't do drugs. It made me wonder what her excuse was.

So anyway, I would take this drugs when I was anxious, but by the time they took effect I had usually calmed down. Obviously, because the drugs make you calm. But you know I mean before they take effect.

Then I started taking Klonopin every single day. And it started to feel kind of nice. And then before you know it, I was a benzo addict.

But I thought this was going to be easy, just a minor adjustment to not getting that calm feeling every single night. But now I can't sleep. Or sometimes I sleep better.

I wake up all thoughty and thinking all strangely and funnily about things. I roll around and roll onto the floor with my pillow and lie on the floor. I wander around my apartment. Last night I realized that the common thread between the two nights I couldn't sleep on klonopin withdrawal was that I hadn't drank a lot of caffeine in the afternoon. So I had a few sips of coffee last night. I got tired. Then awake. I had several gulps of coffee. I became even more awake.

I feel all funny sometimes. Sometimes I feel a spiritual vibration.

But that might be the spirits.

[Abrupt Ending]

They're Called Drugs

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be other people. What it's like to NOT turn 19 and become delusional. I mean, it would be wrong to assume that other people haven't had events happen to them that rocked their world. I wonder what it would be like if it were something normal like a loved one dying or something. I don't even know what that's like. I've never had someone I was really close to die.

So, for the most part, I don't even care anymore that other people don't understand. Because, whatever, the future is coming. I've never even explained certain things to them, because there are certain things I don't like saying out loud.

People come up with the most asinine examples of why there is something wrong with me. My sister mentioned that when I was a teenager I didn't want to leave the house. They're called drugs, Kristen. You take Adderall and you aren't that hard to entertain. You can just sit there and think about things and be marvelously entertained. The drugs used to make me so high. Now they only change my mood slightly.

And then my mom talks about how when I was a teenager I had an eating disorder. They're called drugs, Beev. Mostly anyone who has ever taken Adderall knows that at least when you first start taking it, not only does it suppress any feelings of hunger, but your desire for food completely vanishes, and the idea of food is disgusting. And it raises your metabolism, so the pounds start coming off. I don't have the personality type to be anorexic. Hunger drives me crazy.

But I've realized that I can't be a hypocrite and not practice what I preach, which is love and forgiveness. Yes, I'm like Jesus in a way. Is it okay to compare yourself to Jesus? Someone told me it was once so I believe that person. Of course, I used to believe I was Jesus.

Drugs, Experimentation, and Scare Tactics that Brainwash

I had a conversation with my mom today about various topics, one of the topics was my book. We didn't talk about it but I was thinking about the reasons why it's okay to say things that aren't necessarily flattering about yourself in your book. No, there's nothing in my book that actually embarrasses me (that I haven't removed). But, people who read my book will realize that I'm not perfect and that I have made mistakes.

My mind wandered some more throughout the day, and then landed on the subject of drugs. In general, I respect people more who have tried drugs than people who haven't. Particularly people who have been to the bottom and then climbed their way back up. I respect someone like this a lot more than someone who has stayed away from drugs all their life. I respect people who have made mistakes and have had to overcome trials a lot more than people who have been at the top their whole life.

But, back to the subject of merely trying drugs. It's not that I don't respect people who haven't tried drugs. But here's what mildly annoys me: when people act like they are better than me because I've tried drugs and they haven't. A certain housemate who shall remain unnamed was looking at my home pass agreement and laughing because it said that I must refrain from alcohol or drug use, because his never says that, because he's never done drugs.

So here's what I'm thinking but I don't say out loud. I was once like you. I was once one of them goody two-shoe kids who thought I would never try drugs. But then guess what happened? I grew up! It all goes back to the 8th grade, when something happened that I won't mention because it's top secret book information. The schools and the media try to scare kids about drugs. They try to brainwash you into associating the word "drugs" with something horrible and bad. That's why they get mad at my program when I call my medications drugs. Because they try to maintain that association in your mind of drugs with scary images of homeless meth addicts with sunken cheek bones, scabs, and missing teeth. They don't want you to equate the drugs they give you with the drugs on the street, when in actuality some of them aren't that different from each other.

Here's the truth: most people in the world have tried drugs, and most of them didn't get addicted. There's a chance that you might get addicted, and that's the reason that they try to scare you into staying away from drugs. If you're someone who has a family history of addiction, or you know that you have an addictive personality, and that's the reason that you stay away from drugs, then I can respect that. What I don't respect is people who think they're better than me because they continue to buy into the scare tactics that the schools and the media have used to try to get them to stay away from drugs. These people have been brainwashed.

I don't regret trying drugs. I've had experiences on drugs that I value. Sure, my experiences may have been due to chemicals. But guess what, every experience you have is the result of chemicals! Who cares if they naturally occur in the brain or not? I have had realizations on drugs about things I would not have realized otherwise, and they have permanently changed my views on the world. When I have kids, I will be honest and tell them that I've tried drugs.

The truth is, for the most part, trying a drug once or a few times or using it for a short period of time probably isn't going to cause very much damage at all. What is damaging is chronic use. I know some people who simply don't like drugs, my sister is one of them, and there's nothing wrong with that, actually that's a good thing. I used to abuse cough syrup a lot, but then I got tired of feeling stupid like my brain was in a fog and I couldn't think straight. I see a lot of value in being sober. But I also see a lot of value in experimenting with drugs. And that's what I think.

Thank you for listening.