So, I wanted to talk a little bit about my book.
The thing I wanted to talk about was, this book I am writing is kind of a tricky read. Because you have to understand that I am oftentimes delusional and my brain makes stuff up. So sometimes, I will tell stories about things I say people did. A lot of times, THEY DID NOT DO THESE THINGS. It was delusional. I imagined it.
How do you tell the difference between fake stories and real stories? When I give information, you have to ask yourself, how do I know this? If I specifically mention that a particular person told me this, or I witnessed it in person, that means it is true. Everything that I witness in person actually happened. Because the thing is, I don't hallucinate. I don't have imaginary in-person encounters with people. Everything I see with my eyes is really there. Things I actually hear are real too, but this gets tricky because I sometimes imagine conversations. When I hear these conversations, I hear them in my head, not out loud. So, it's not really an auditory hallucination, more like a sixth sensory hallucination. To me, there is no mistaking what is out loud and what is in my head. But I usually just say I heard it, so you have to ask yourself, was I there in person with these people? Is there any explanation for how we met up? If not, I think it should be obvious based on context, random clips of conversation from random people are just in my head.
Especially if I say I heard it psychically, that's bullshit. It wasn't psychic. But I say that it was psychic, because I thought so at the time. I am keeping with the moment. Sometimes I will specifically say I "imagined" something. Imagined stuff is imaginary.
I'm kind of worried though, because the people I imagined stuff about are real people and they might get mad that I imagined negative things about them. Or not so much that I imagined them, but that I wrote a book about it and stupid people might not understand which stuff is imaginary.
It kind of keeps you on your toes, this book.
Showing posts with label delusions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label delusions. Show all posts
Monday, February 3, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
I'll Never Go Sci Fi
Sometimes it makes me mad that people don't believe in things that I believe in. And it makes me mad that it makes me mad, because I know it shouldn't bother me. If anything, I should feel sorry for people who don't believe in the spiritual side of existence.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't believe in spiritual sorts of magic. I would think a whole lot different, for one. Actually, I would probably be a lot saner. That says nothing about the actual validity of this spiritual magical stuff, because while I believe it is real, I have a tendency, when I am delusional or thinking a bit on the delusional side, to let my belief in that stuff get carried away with me. So if I didn't think telepathy, or spiritual communication, or other sort of psychic phenomena was possible, fuck, I don't honestly see how I could convince myself of anything delusional. Because how would I explain the stuff I was imagining inside my head, the voices, if it wasn't some sort of psychic phenomena? There's no other explanation unless you go sci fi, and say that someone implanted a chip inside my head that was broadcasting information to me. And I honestly can't see myself go sci fi. If I ever go sci fi with my delusions, it would be a good time for someone to shoot me in the head. It's always going to be psychic. Always.
Anyway, so they say, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof." I say, define extraordinary. It is an error in the way you people think that you find this kind of stuff to be extraordinary. It's all ordinary to me. Psychic phenomena is totally ordinary. I don't even see how people are really impressed by it anymore, it is so ordinary. I mean, we've all had our psychic moments. Or have we all? The trouble is, the type of people who are disbelieving of psychic phenomena are the types of people who have no psychic abilities themselves. Because when certain things happen to us privileged psychic types, we think, oh, that was psychic, and we give it no second thought. And it happens over and over and over again, rearing it's psychic head in different ways.
It's like talking to a blind man. A person who has been blind from birth. They cannot see what's in front of them, and must feel their away around. To a society of blind people, the idea that you can sense something with your eyes without coming into contact with it might seem like an extraordinary claim. An extraordinary claim, which would require extraordinary proof. And how do you prove this to a blind man? He cannot see, so if you sense something before he runs into it, he will just say you were touching the object, or had been there before and felt your way around. There's no getting through to a blind man, I tell you. No getting through to a blind man.
It is the same with psychic abilities, to the general population. It's like a population of blind men. If you know something about someone without being told, they will just tell you that you did research. And the thing is, the thing about the nature of psychic abilities is, they can be pretty vague, in what a psychic sees about someone. To the point where someone may say, "oh that's true for just about anyone!" Or they somehow inferred it from what they told you. And the thing about this is, it sometimes can be the case, but not always. One time, I saw an ad for a free personalized astrology reading. And I thought, hey, it's personalized, and it's free, what do I have to lose?! Anyway, so I ordered one, and what I got back was a short report of vague things that are true for everyone. Things like, "I sense a period in your life, perhaps in your teenage years, where you walked on the edge of existence, and felt that no one really understood you." Yeah, sure. That happens to everyone.
Anyway, where was I going with this?
If you think critically about what a psychic told you, you can decide whether or not the psychic was cold reading you or not. A lot of times when you talk to a psychic, you receive no indication that they are actually psychic, you kind of have to take it on faith. But sometimes you don't, and sometimes you have those special personal psychic experiences where you feel that something will happen, something that seems very unlikely, and then lo and behold it happens. Or sometimes, you feel the guiding hand of God. Sometimes.
So anyway, what I am trying to say is, the part of the population that is more limited in their thinking is more likely to deem a greater number of things extraordinary, and thus be not satisfied with any amount of proof you give them because it isn't "extraordinary" enough.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't believe in spiritual sorts of magic. I would think a whole lot different, for one. Actually, I would probably be a lot saner. That says nothing about the actual validity of this spiritual magical stuff, because while I believe it is real, I have a tendency, when I am delusional or thinking a bit on the delusional side, to let my belief in that stuff get carried away with me. So if I didn't think telepathy, or spiritual communication, or other sort of psychic phenomena was possible, fuck, I don't honestly see how I could convince myself of anything delusional. Because how would I explain the stuff I was imagining inside my head, the voices, if it wasn't some sort of psychic phenomena? There's no other explanation unless you go sci fi, and say that someone implanted a chip inside my head that was broadcasting information to me. And I honestly can't see myself go sci fi. If I ever go sci fi with my delusions, it would be a good time for someone to shoot me in the head. It's always going to be psychic. Always.
Anyway, so they say, "extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof." I say, define extraordinary. It is an error in the way you people think that you find this kind of stuff to be extraordinary. It's all ordinary to me. Psychic phenomena is totally ordinary. I don't even see how people are really impressed by it anymore, it is so ordinary. I mean, we've all had our psychic moments. Or have we all? The trouble is, the type of people who are disbelieving of psychic phenomena are the types of people who have no psychic abilities themselves. Because when certain things happen to us privileged psychic types, we think, oh, that was psychic, and we give it no second thought. And it happens over and over and over again, rearing it's psychic head in different ways.
It's like talking to a blind man. A person who has been blind from birth. They cannot see what's in front of them, and must feel their away around. To a society of blind people, the idea that you can sense something with your eyes without coming into contact with it might seem like an extraordinary claim. An extraordinary claim, which would require extraordinary proof. And how do you prove this to a blind man? He cannot see, so if you sense something before he runs into it, he will just say you were touching the object, or had been there before and felt your way around. There's no getting through to a blind man, I tell you. No getting through to a blind man.
It is the same with psychic abilities, to the general population. It's like a population of blind men. If you know something about someone without being told, they will just tell you that you did research. And the thing is, the thing about the nature of psychic abilities is, they can be pretty vague, in what a psychic sees about someone. To the point where someone may say, "oh that's true for just about anyone!" Or they somehow inferred it from what they told you. And the thing about this is, it sometimes can be the case, but not always. One time, I saw an ad for a free personalized astrology reading. And I thought, hey, it's personalized, and it's free, what do I have to lose?! Anyway, so I ordered one, and what I got back was a short report of vague things that are true for everyone. Things like, "I sense a period in your life, perhaps in your teenage years, where you walked on the edge of existence, and felt that no one really understood you." Yeah, sure. That happens to everyone.
Anyway, where was I going with this?
If you think critically about what a psychic told you, you can decide whether or not the psychic was cold reading you or not. A lot of times when you talk to a psychic, you receive no indication that they are actually psychic, you kind of have to take it on faith. But sometimes you don't, and sometimes you have those special personal psychic experiences where you feel that something will happen, something that seems very unlikely, and then lo and behold it happens. Or sometimes, you feel the guiding hand of God. Sometimes.
So anyway, what I am trying to say is, the part of the population that is more limited in their thinking is more likely to deem a greater number of things extraordinary, and thus be not satisfied with any amount of proof you give them because it isn't "extraordinary" enough.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Innercept: A Mixed Bag of Delights
I'm really in the mood to write a blog, but I don't know what my audience wants me to talk about. Some of my popular blogs are spiritual blogs, blogs about my mental illness, and Innercept. Wait, those are pretty much the only things I ever write about.
I have been out of Innercept for over a year now. What has this year been like for me? Well, it's been the best year ever, minus some of the drinking I could have done without.
Those are some memories of the year that came back to me recently, being drunk and depressed. Basically, if I'm alone, and I'm drunk or I have been drinking, I am depressed.
When I first got out of Innercept, I faced a major dilemma. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, actually I know I have, but my problem was I grew up not being social. When I was delusional, I would sit around at home and hardly ever do anything social, and I was just consumed with my own thoughts.
In high school, I spent weekends alone most of the time. Never went to parties. Never drank. Never did much of anything besides sit at home and program my computer. I had enough of a social life to make it so I didn't feel alone and depressed, but compared to most people, it was hardly anything.
So this is what happened as a result of me being at Innercept. I don't know if it's really anything Innercept did. But I am social now. I can talk to people now. I'm not "conversationally challenged" like I used to be, where someone would try to talk to me and I would either stare blankly or give one word answers.
So I was exposed to people all the time. And I had spurts, where suddenly it was like, "wow, I can talk!" Trouble is, there was no filter, so I just said whatever was on my mind all the time. And people got annoyed and I went silent again. And then I later opened back up.
Anyway, so what I am trying to say is, if Innercept did anything for me, it was make me social. I have friends now from all over the country.
So I get back home, and I don't have a whole lot of friends in Oregon. There were like two people who I would actually hang out with, Rebecca and Matthew, my ex-boyfriend, though we have long since went to just being friends and things are cool like that.
So I come home and I'm social and I have hardly anyone to hang out with! Gradually, though, I began meeting up with new people.
Group settings are the hardest. One on one, people will talk directly to you, and you can keep the conversation going. If you are in a group of three or more people, they will talk to each other and exclude me. I remember in high school, I liked groups of three or more people better because the pressure to talk wasn't on me. But now I find this to be not the ideal social situation.
I realized that I am too shy to NOT drink in some social settings. This is why I say, I fucking hate drinking, but I am going to keep drinking on occasion, on hopefully as rare of occasion as possible.
It doesn't fuck with my meds. I had some CRAZY CRAZY delusional experiences in the past year, but the mental issues that accompanied those have disappeared. My intrusive thought problems have all but gone away. I have slight anxiety sometimes but that's all.
So, honestly, I will say that Innercept can be good for antisocial people. I'm not really antisocial at heart, like some people are, but I was kind of like a feral, undomesticated cat, which has the potential to be social and domesticated.
However, Innercept is insanely expensive and not helpful for a lot of peoples' problems. Like kleptomania. I don't steal, but I knew people from Innercept who did. And honestly, I don't know how you fix that.
Innercept keeps you kind of sheltered in a comfortable cocoon. One of the great things is that everyone who is there has issues, so for the most part, the most part, people don't judge you for your issues. At least, no one I encountered judged me for being bipolar or delusional or crazy. If your problem is say, torturing and mutilating animals, you will be judged for that.
So at best, Innercept is mixed bag of delights.
I have been out of Innercept for over a year now. What has this year been like for me? Well, it's been the best year ever, minus some of the drinking I could have done without.
Those are some memories of the year that came back to me recently, being drunk and depressed. Basically, if I'm alone, and I'm drunk or I have been drinking, I am depressed.
When I first got out of Innercept, I faced a major dilemma. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, actually I know I have, but my problem was I grew up not being social. When I was delusional, I would sit around at home and hardly ever do anything social, and I was just consumed with my own thoughts.
In high school, I spent weekends alone most of the time. Never went to parties. Never drank. Never did much of anything besides sit at home and program my computer. I had enough of a social life to make it so I didn't feel alone and depressed, but compared to most people, it was hardly anything.
So this is what happened as a result of me being at Innercept. I don't know if it's really anything Innercept did. But I am social now. I can talk to people now. I'm not "conversationally challenged" like I used to be, where someone would try to talk to me and I would either stare blankly or give one word answers.
So I was exposed to people all the time. And I had spurts, where suddenly it was like, "wow, I can talk!" Trouble is, there was no filter, so I just said whatever was on my mind all the time. And people got annoyed and I went silent again. And then I later opened back up.
Anyway, so what I am trying to say is, if Innercept did anything for me, it was make me social. I have friends now from all over the country.
So I get back home, and I don't have a whole lot of friends in Oregon. There were like two people who I would actually hang out with, Rebecca and Matthew, my ex-boyfriend, though we have long since went to just being friends and things are cool like that.
So I come home and I'm social and I have hardly anyone to hang out with! Gradually, though, I began meeting up with new people.
Group settings are the hardest. One on one, people will talk directly to you, and you can keep the conversation going. If you are in a group of three or more people, they will talk to each other and exclude me. I remember in high school, I liked groups of three or more people better because the pressure to talk wasn't on me. But now I find this to be not the ideal social situation.
I realized that I am too shy to NOT drink in some social settings. This is why I say, I fucking hate drinking, but I am going to keep drinking on occasion, on hopefully as rare of occasion as possible.
It doesn't fuck with my meds. I had some CRAZY CRAZY delusional experiences in the past year, but the mental issues that accompanied those have disappeared. My intrusive thought problems have all but gone away. I have slight anxiety sometimes but that's all.
So, honestly, I will say that Innercept can be good for antisocial people. I'm not really antisocial at heart, like some people are, but I was kind of like a feral, undomesticated cat, which has the potential to be social and domesticated.
However, Innercept is insanely expensive and not helpful for a lot of peoples' problems. Like kleptomania. I don't steal, but I knew people from Innercept who did. And honestly, I don't know how you fix that.
Innercept keeps you kind of sheltered in a comfortable cocoon. One of the great things is that everyone who is there has issues, so for the most part, the most part, people don't judge you for your issues. At least, no one I encountered judged me for being bipolar or delusional or crazy. If your problem is say, torturing and mutilating animals, you will be judged for that.
So at best, Innercept is mixed bag of delights.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Failing at Life
So I woke up last night wondering, what if my parents died? What would I do?
I mean I would be sad, but then I would have no one to support me, because I rely on my parents for money.
How would I make money? I don't have a college degree. College classes cost money. I couldn't take college classes anymore. I'd have to live on the street.
So I comforted myself by telling myself that, I would move in with Erik.
I could get more money than just SSI because I could also get social security if one of my parents is dead. But could I even live off that?
I'm actually really scared about my life. So I was drawing tarot cards to see if they could provide answers regarding the success of my mobile app. First I didn't get good cards. Then I started drawing some really good cards, like the Magician. Excellent card. Ace of wands. King of Pentacles. Good cards regarding the success of my mobile app.
I don't know how I would do it if my dad died, because I ask him questions regarding things. And how would I afford medication?
I feel like I fail at life. I feel like I have become incredibly lazy. Once upon a time, I was doing well. Back in the spring. And I worked out every morning, then worked on my book, then worked on learning objective C. And it was good.
It was actually quite pleasant and lovely when I became delusional again. But the after effects aren't so lovely. Now I can't get that energy back. I must find a way to get that energy back. I was so happy back in the spring. I felt confident. Now, I am sitting here, and I haven't showered in five days. I will shower today. I promise you, I will shower today.
So I'm thinking that the difference between then and now was, the SSRI's. Back then I was on Celexa. I think I need that again.
I mean I would be sad, but then I would have no one to support me, because I rely on my parents for money.
How would I make money? I don't have a college degree. College classes cost money. I couldn't take college classes anymore. I'd have to live on the street.
So I comforted myself by telling myself that, I would move in with Erik.
I could get more money than just SSI because I could also get social security if one of my parents is dead. But could I even live off that?
I'm actually really scared about my life. So I was drawing tarot cards to see if they could provide answers regarding the success of my mobile app. First I didn't get good cards. Then I started drawing some really good cards, like the Magician. Excellent card. Ace of wands. King of Pentacles. Good cards regarding the success of my mobile app.
I don't know how I would do it if my dad died, because I ask him questions regarding things. And how would I afford medication?
I feel like I fail at life. I feel like I have become incredibly lazy. Once upon a time, I was doing well. Back in the spring. And I worked out every morning, then worked on my book, then worked on learning objective C. And it was good.
It was actually quite pleasant and lovely when I became delusional again. But the after effects aren't so lovely. Now I can't get that energy back. I must find a way to get that energy back. I was so happy back in the spring. I felt confident. Now, I am sitting here, and I haven't showered in five days. I will shower today. I promise you, I will shower today.
So I'm thinking that the difference between then and now was, the SSRI's. Back then I was on Celexa. I think I need that again.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Super Special Fun Weeks
So I am sitting here at this restaurant called Cafe Yumm!, and I am mad because I got this bowl of rice and stuff, and I got the medium one because the small looked way too small, and it was good. But after I am finished eating, I look up the calories and the bowl had like 800 calories. Which pisses me off because that is way too many calories to consume at one sitting.
I am thinking about what it's like to be delusional. There are times where you go off and have a week or so of mysterious magical fun while strange delusional things happen. It's actually really fun. But I can't do that anymore. I can't do that anymore. It's not going to happen again. At least, not anytime soon.
When this happens, I listen to one song on repeat the entire time. When I come back down, and listen to that song again, it reminds me of that time and brings back super positive feelings.
That's how I know a period of my life was good. If I listen to a song that reminds me of a time period of my life, and it makes me feel good, I was having a good time. Sometimes, even though I liked the song, it will bring back bad feelings. This is true of songs that remind me of time I spent at IT, when I was dealing with their bullshit.
The most recent song that defined a delusional experience is "Annie You Save Me" by Graffiti6. Other songs include Porcupine Tree "Fear of a Blank Planet," Katy Perry "Wide Awake," Oingo Boingo "Sweat," The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony." My first ever delusional fun week happened before I had an iPod. The song that I hear that reminds me of that time is "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. Just thinking about the way that song sounds reminds me of when I first became delusional and the stuff I was thinking about.
My dad got mad at me one time because I was delusional and I was listening to the same song over and over again. Actually, I wasn't really delusional, I was just having one of my fun weeks, back in January. I tried to explain to him that when you are in this state, you experience music differently. Music is way more intense, and you feel the vibration of the song, and you get addicted to that particular vibration, and you want to hear it nonstop. Your special song of the experience doesn't get old when you are like that.
I've been delusional before and not had a super special fun week. Super special fun weeks are the shit. I don't do anything else when I am like that, I can't work or do any unrelated things.
But if I want to make things happen in my life, I can't be delusional anymore. I can't do that shit anymore. When I became delusional back in November/December of last year, I wasn't doing anything strange chemically. I don't know why that happened. Just random, I guess.
I am thinking about what it's like to be delusional. There are times where you go off and have a week or so of mysterious magical fun while strange delusional things happen. It's actually really fun. But I can't do that anymore. I can't do that anymore. It's not going to happen again. At least, not anytime soon.
When this happens, I listen to one song on repeat the entire time. When I come back down, and listen to that song again, it reminds me of that time and brings back super positive feelings.
That's how I know a period of my life was good. If I listen to a song that reminds me of a time period of my life, and it makes me feel good, I was having a good time. Sometimes, even though I liked the song, it will bring back bad feelings. This is true of songs that remind me of time I spent at IT, when I was dealing with their bullshit.
The most recent song that defined a delusional experience is "Annie You Save Me" by Graffiti6. Other songs include Porcupine Tree "Fear of a Blank Planet," Katy Perry "Wide Awake," Oingo Boingo "Sweat," The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony." My first ever delusional fun week happened before I had an iPod. The song that I hear that reminds me of that time is "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. Just thinking about the way that song sounds reminds me of when I first became delusional and the stuff I was thinking about.
My dad got mad at me one time because I was delusional and I was listening to the same song over and over again. Actually, I wasn't really delusional, I was just having one of my fun weeks, back in January. I tried to explain to him that when you are in this state, you experience music differently. Music is way more intense, and you feel the vibration of the song, and you get addicted to that particular vibration, and you want to hear it nonstop. Your special song of the experience doesn't get old when you are like that.
I've been delusional before and not had a super special fun week. Super special fun weeks are the shit. I don't do anything else when I am like that, I can't work or do any unrelated things.
But if I want to make things happen in my life, I can't be delusional anymore. I can't do that shit anymore. When I became delusional back in November/December of last year, I wasn't doing anything strange chemically. I don't know why that happened. Just random, I guess.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Nonsensical Instructions From God
So, I am starting to feel like my whole belief in hell was a delusion.
My idea of hell was based on the idea that there are some inalienable rules of the universe even God couldn't get around. This is something I would wonder about sometime. So, if you are standing on someone's rightside, and you are facing the same direction, is it possible that in some universe they would be standing on your right side also? In this universe it is your left. But maybe in some universe, you could be to there right, and they could be to your right, and you are facing the same direction.
My answer to this question was no. Because God doesn't make logic rules. GOD DOESN'T MAKE LOGIC RULES. And the idea was, in the mind of God, hell is a logic rule. That through choosing God, through being saved, you return to God upon death.
I am having problems with this though. This is just something that I made up. Like my mom commented on, I added to Christian theology in order for it to make sense. Because I couldn't believe in a loving God who willingly sends people to hell for not being saved. I can't believe in something like that because it makes no sense. The only way it makes sense to me is if being saved is some random strange requirement God has for you that doesn't make sense but you just do anyway, because it makes sense to God.
So I have spent time reading the bible, but I haven't gotten all the way through it. I don't believe Jesus ever mentioned hell. I talked to my naturopath, and he told me someone was trying to save him and gave him a bible and it didn't say anything about hell.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, if God wanted us to do something that made no sense, like believing a crazy story despite lack of proof, He should have explained to us that this isn't supposed to make any sense but we will be sorry if we don't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't think my view of hell is biblically supported. In order to understand this nonsensical concept called hell, I just made a bunch of stuff up. Why should I believe a bunch of crap that I just made up, and use it as an excuse to become religious?
It's sad because I kind of liked being religious. But the thing is, religious beliefs and delusions are too fucking similar.
My idea of hell was based on the idea that there are some inalienable rules of the universe even God couldn't get around. This is something I would wonder about sometime. So, if you are standing on someone's rightside, and you are facing the same direction, is it possible that in some universe they would be standing on your right side also? In this universe it is your left. But maybe in some universe, you could be to there right, and they could be to your right, and you are facing the same direction.
My answer to this question was no. Because God doesn't make logic rules. GOD DOESN'T MAKE LOGIC RULES. And the idea was, in the mind of God, hell is a logic rule. That through choosing God, through being saved, you return to God upon death.
I am having problems with this though. This is just something that I made up. Like my mom commented on, I added to Christian theology in order for it to make sense. Because I couldn't believe in a loving God who willingly sends people to hell for not being saved. I can't believe in something like that because it makes no sense. The only way it makes sense to me is if being saved is some random strange requirement God has for you that doesn't make sense but you just do anyway, because it makes sense to God.
So I have spent time reading the bible, but I haven't gotten all the way through it. I don't believe Jesus ever mentioned hell. I talked to my naturopath, and he told me someone was trying to save him and gave him a bible and it didn't say anything about hell.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, if God wanted us to do something that made no sense, like believing a crazy story despite lack of proof, He should have explained to us that this isn't supposed to make any sense but we will be sorry if we don't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, I don't think my view of hell is biblically supported. In order to understand this nonsensical concept called hell, I just made a bunch of stuff up. Why should I believe a bunch of crap that I just made up, and use it as an excuse to become religious?
It's sad because I kind of liked being religious. But the thing is, religious beliefs and delusions are too fucking similar.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Life Situations
So I'm really happy because I'm on this new drug Metformin, which is a diabetes drug. I don't have diabetes, but this drug can help people on antipsychotics lose weight. I think this is going to work. Now I have both the energy to exercise and the will power to not overeat. So unless someone fucks with my drugs, this is going to work.
That's this ever-present fear I have, I'll get in shape, and then they go and fuck with my drugs. Usually, because something happens, like I have an episode. Like, a serious episode, where I go batshit crazy and they have to fuck with my meds. And that changes my appetite and motivation.
So really, what I have to do now, is keep taking all my meds. Because I don't want anything bad to happen.
Episodes themselves are crazy and fun. When I look back at my life, and the times where I was happy and having a good time, it was because I was delusional. But no more of that. NO MORE OF THAT! I have to be happy with reality. God dammit I hate reality.
So, anyway, I have that on track. I have a few invasive bad thoughts from time to time, but that's tolerable. I am doing tai chi, which should help bring back my psychic abilities.
Psychic abilities can be annoying. You are sitting at home working on something, minding your own business, and then it's suddenly like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you!" And you don't know who, or what they are saying, but you feel your aura being invaded. And then later you get confirmation, like that happened and Erik told me he had been talking with one of my friends about the time she first met me. So I was correct.
And you feel all this random energy all the time, and you don't know where it's coming from.
But the cool thing is, you can look at people's pictures and feel things about them. And you are like, why didn't I feel these things before? And you get confirmation on that stuff too.
But anyway, the problem is this objective C shit. I am trying to learn objective C, the programming language, in order to make mobile apps for a living. I am convinced I could make the next Angry Birds, or at least the next Plants vs. Zombies, if I were to ever learn how to use this x code thing with objective C.
I think I need one on one instruction. I think that's the only way I am going to learn.
It's really sad, because I feel like a low life mooching off everyone. I have no income. I am going to get SSI, but I have to wait six months and that will only be $700 a month.
That's this ever-present fear I have, I'll get in shape, and then they go and fuck with my drugs. Usually, because something happens, like I have an episode. Like, a serious episode, where I go batshit crazy and they have to fuck with my meds. And that changes my appetite and motivation.
So really, what I have to do now, is keep taking all my meds. Because I don't want anything bad to happen.
Episodes themselves are crazy and fun. When I look back at my life, and the times where I was happy and having a good time, it was because I was delusional. But no more of that. NO MORE OF THAT! I have to be happy with reality. God dammit I hate reality.
So, anyway, I have that on track. I have a few invasive bad thoughts from time to time, but that's tolerable. I am doing tai chi, which should help bring back my psychic abilities.
Psychic abilities can be annoying. You are sitting at home working on something, minding your own business, and then it's suddenly like, "Hey! Someone's talking about you!" And you don't know who, or what they are saying, but you feel your aura being invaded. And then later you get confirmation, like that happened and Erik told me he had been talking with one of my friends about the time she first met me. So I was correct.
And you feel all this random energy all the time, and you don't know where it's coming from.
But the cool thing is, you can look at people's pictures and feel things about them. And you are like, why didn't I feel these things before? And you get confirmation on that stuff too.
But anyway, the problem is this objective C shit. I am trying to learn objective C, the programming language, in order to make mobile apps for a living. I am convinced I could make the next Angry Birds, or at least the next Plants vs. Zombies, if I were to ever learn how to use this x code thing with objective C.
I think I need one on one instruction. I think that's the only way I am going to learn.
It's really sad, because I feel like a low life mooching off everyone. I have no income. I am going to get SSI, but I have to wait six months and that will only be $700 a month.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Doubts
So I am having doubts about this religious crap in my life. Like, I don't know if I even believe Jesus was God or any of that bullshit.
My belief in the divine/spiritual and my belief in Jesus are two entirely separate things. If I stop believing in Jesus, I would just go back to being spiritual and not religious. But I wouldn't be an atheist, is what I am saying.
For whatever reason though I am obsessed with Jesus. And I have been kind of been thinking, we kind of need to have Jesus as a dead role model in our society. Because I kind of think, it gives people a standard against being a good person is judged. Like, I don't know if a lot of people even recognize what it means to be a good person.
To me it means, not seeking revenge. Forgiveness. And all that other crap Jesus talked about. I don't know.
The thing is, I have always had an interest in religion, but when I actually became religious it was kind of like a delusional thing, because of me going to hell in my sleep. And now my belief in religion is entirely based on fear. Because it introduced this concept, that hell is so scary, you don't even want to risk it. It might be bullshit, but what if it's not and you're not saved? You're screwed. I never thought that way before until I went to hell in my sleep.
But I am wondering. Why did God go out of his way to save me, but not other people? Am I better than other people?
I don't know. Maybe I am. But sometimes I am so selfish I think I am like a sociopath or something. But there is a part of me that is kind of like a child, in a good way. And there are certain kinds of pain that I understand, and if I feel that someone is going through that, I will do what I can to make it better. And I would never cause that sort of pain. Like, I can't even yell at people, because people have yelled at me and it has made me feel bad, so now I see people yell at others and wonder how they can do that.
I can yell at my parents though, if I am upset enough. But there have been times when I should have yelled at someone but didn't.
Anyway, I am going off on a tangent. I am still Christian for now, but I have doubts about it.
One thing my parents commented on was the fact that I added things that weren't really an original part of Christian theology, in order for it to make sense.
My belief in the divine/spiritual and my belief in Jesus are two entirely separate things. If I stop believing in Jesus, I would just go back to being spiritual and not religious. But I wouldn't be an atheist, is what I am saying.
For whatever reason though I am obsessed with Jesus. And I have been kind of been thinking, we kind of need to have Jesus as a dead role model in our society. Because I kind of think, it gives people a standard against being a good person is judged. Like, I don't know if a lot of people even recognize what it means to be a good person.
To me it means, not seeking revenge. Forgiveness. And all that other crap Jesus talked about. I don't know.
The thing is, I have always had an interest in religion, but when I actually became religious it was kind of like a delusional thing, because of me going to hell in my sleep. And now my belief in religion is entirely based on fear. Because it introduced this concept, that hell is so scary, you don't even want to risk it. It might be bullshit, but what if it's not and you're not saved? You're screwed. I never thought that way before until I went to hell in my sleep.
But I am wondering. Why did God go out of his way to save me, but not other people? Am I better than other people?
I don't know. Maybe I am. But sometimes I am so selfish I think I am like a sociopath or something. But there is a part of me that is kind of like a child, in a good way. And there are certain kinds of pain that I understand, and if I feel that someone is going through that, I will do what I can to make it better. And I would never cause that sort of pain. Like, I can't even yell at people, because people have yelled at me and it has made me feel bad, so now I see people yell at others and wonder how they can do that.
I can yell at my parents though, if I am upset enough. But there have been times when I should have yelled at someone but didn't.
Anyway, I am going off on a tangent. I am still Christian for now, but I have doubts about it.
One thing my parents commented on was the fact that I added things that weren't really an original part of Christian theology, in order for it to make sense.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Fiction, Delusions, and Art
So I have come to a point where I can accept that I do have a mental illness.
There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.
Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.
When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.
I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.
And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.
But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.
It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.
But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.
I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?
There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.
Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.
When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.
I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.
And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.
But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.
It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.
But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.
I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Thinking With the Mind of God
So I recently had another "whatever the fuck that was" experience. It was actually quite pleasant, when I wasn't getting grief from my parents.
So what I have learned is just to take the beliefs as they come. My beliefs about what is going on are changing. All that matters is that I don't lose faith in myself. Everything will be okay as long as I never stop believing in myself. I just have to be open to the fact that I have a lot of beliefs that are most likely not true. When one gets disproven, accept it and don't let that make myself stop believing in myself.
At this point I don't want to get into the details of what happened. But, basically, I imagined a bunch of shit, then I started arguing with my parents.
More and more frequently, I start thinking with the mind of God. At least, this is how I interpret it. The energy kind of goes up and out of my head and I start laughing about something on Earth that doesn't logically make sense.
Back a couple months ago, when I was thinking with the mind of God, I was thinking about how people missed the point with Jesus, they were just in awe of how great he was.
The point was there is really nothing wrong with comparing yourself to Jesus, what's wrong is hatred.
So I started hearing all these thoughts in my head, people saying mean things and people saying nice things. I felt the vibration of each thought. Mean comments had this nasty unharmonious noisy ring. Nice things had nice energy.
So one of the things was, Jesus was a great guy, but even He wouldn't go to hell. And by hell I mean a hell that is eternal. Jesus is willing to suffer but He wouldn't even go to hell.
But a lot of humans do go to hell. So in a way, those humans were a lot better than Jesus was!
No sentient being would willingly knowingly experience that kind of agony.
So in my room, I was whispering to myself over and over and laughing, "those people were a lot better than Jesus was!"
The major theme of this particular episode was people thinking for themselves. At the hospital, I picked up a Rush Limbaugh book, because I realized I don't know anything about him. I started reading, and I wrote down a quote from him because I thought it was so true. It was something like, "I'm convinced that most people don't really think, though they believe they do."
I had a lot of arguments, and I kept running into the fact that we were talking but not really communicating. So I started really making sure we communicated, but people got mad. They got mad at me for asking them what they meant by things. Why they thought things.
I was writing a lot of facebook statuses when I was arguing, trying to illustrate that the way they were thinking was incorrect.
But the thing I was thinking was, only intelligent people appreciate really intelligent things. So I was thinking that some of the stuff I imagined when I was delusional, it only makes sense to intelligent people.
And other people aren't going to understand stuff that comes from the mind of God.
I imagined that a lot of my facebook statuses were this way. They were only funny to people who are intelligent, and stupid to people who are unintelligent.
God created humans with the capability of thinking for themselves. However, most of them don't. Humans were actually, in a way, made way to stupid and not intelligent enough to understand God. But God didn't fully understand humans when he first made them, and when writing the bible.
One of things I was thinking was that God didn't hate Esau. He just meant he didn't like him as much as Jacob.
So what I have learned is just to take the beliefs as they come. My beliefs about what is going on are changing. All that matters is that I don't lose faith in myself. Everything will be okay as long as I never stop believing in myself. I just have to be open to the fact that I have a lot of beliefs that are most likely not true. When one gets disproven, accept it and don't let that make myself stop believing in myself.
At this point I don't want to get into the details of what happened. But, basically, I imagined a bunch of shit, then I started arguing with my parents.
More and more frequently, I start thinking with the mind of God. At least, this is how I interpret it. The energy kind of goes up and out of my head and I start laughing about something on Earth that doesn't logically make sense.
Back a couple months ago, when I was thinking with the mind of God, I was thinking about how people missed the point with Jesus, they were just in awe of how great he was.
The point was there is really nothing wrong with comparing yourself to Jesus, what's wrong is hatred.
So I started hearing all these thoughts in my head, people saying mean things and people saying nice things. I felt the vibration of each thought. Mean comments had this nasty unharmonious noisy ring. Nice things had nice energy.
So one of the things was, Jesus was a great guy, but even He wouldn't go to hell. And by hell I mean a hell that is eternal. Jesus is willing to suffer but He wouldn't even go to hell.
But a lot of humans do go to hell. So in a way, those humans were a lot better than Jesus was!
No sentient being would willingly knowingly experience that kind of agony.
So in my room, I was whispering to myself over and over and laughing, "those people were a lot better than Jesus was!"
The major theme of this particular episode was people thinking for themselves. At the hospital, I picked up a Rush Limbaugh book, because I realized I don't know anything about him. I started reading, and I wrote down a quote from him because I thought it was so true. It was something like, "I'm convinced that most people don't really think, though they believe they do."
I had a lot of arguments, and I kept running into the fact that we were talking but not really communicating. So I started really making sure we communicated, but people got mad. They got mad at me for asking them what they meant by things. Why they thought things.
I was writing a lot of facebook statuses when I was arguing, trying to illustrate that the way they were thinking was incorrect.
But the thing I was thinking was, only intelligent people appreciate really intelligent things. So I was thinking that some of the stuff I imagined when I was delusional, it only makes sense to intelligent people.
And other people aren't going to understand stuff that comes from the mind of God.
I imagined that a lot of my facebook statuses were this way. They were only funny to people who are intelligent, and stupid to people who are unintelligent.
God created humans with the capability of thinking for themselves. However, most of them don't. Humans were actually, in a way, made way to stupid and not intelligent enough to understand God. But God didn't fully understand humans when he first made them, and when writing the bible.
One of things I was thinking was that God didn't hate Esau. He just meant he didn't like him as much as Jacob.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Painting an Emotional Tapestry
So, now that we've got to pretty much what I think is the end of this whole situation in my life. This situation being the karma thing, which includes my delusions and the mental illness and shit. Now I understand why the psychic last summer told me that my book would make the kind of stuff I believe in popular amongst young people. Because even though it involves all this horrible crap I had to go through which seems so unfair if you only look at this lifetime, there's just something about it that is in my opinion incredibly cool.
So I've been writing today, and today is my birthday, but that is irrelevant. I was adding the part about treatment. I have to be kind of brief about things, but touch upon the aspects of it that are important. I have been being incredibly brief about things, leaving out most of the stuff that happened, just touching on things I deem important.
One of the things that happens when you are going through what I'm going through, and thinking the way I'm thinking, with whatever it is that I am going through. Delusions? Mental illness? Altered spiritual state? Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. One of the things is you think differently and things pop out more in your mind that seem important, like random things that happened. They pop out more, and this is conducive to painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. Because that's what memoir writing is, painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. It is a form of art and involves creativity because you have to decide what to include and how you are going to tell it.
Anyway, so one random small insignificant event popped out of me that happened early on in my Innercept career. And it involved this other girl at Innercept. And I was remembering how back in the day, at one point I had delusions about my delusions, and I was telling her about it. I was going to add this part to my book and she wanted to have me put the part where I tell her about it in the book. So I was going to and I was writing about it, this was several years ago, but then later I decided that I didn't want to include the delusions about my delusions, and even if I did the part where I tell her about it wasn't significant enough to add it into the book. So it was not going to be in the book. But then today, I was remembering the other thing that popped out at me. And it was such a coincidence because it was the same girl who wanted to be in the book, so I added it and told her about it on facebook and she was happy.
I have to add back a part I removed awhile ago because I was embarrassed. I have to re-add some mention of it because it is actually something really important. It was meant to embarrass me because it was important that I be embarrassed. So yeah this is kind of a tell-all book. Not literally everything. I know some people might not want me to add stuff that embarrasses me but it is way worth it in this case to add it. It adds a lot to the book. So you have to make sacrifices.
There are things in my book like slutty behaviors that aren't necessarily that uncommon, and a lot of people have done these kind of things, but everyone has to act like people don't do these kind of things and they don't talk about them.
It's like, you have to put a certain image out into the world, whether it be out on the internet or through publishing a book, like you don't do certain things. You have never been promiscuous or have done drugs or drank excessively. And you don't have any opinions about anything that could possibly be offensive to anyone. And stuff like that. And if you don't present this image, employers won't hire you. But no one is like that. So every single person has to fake it and they are expected to fake it.
This is something that annoys me about the world. So I am hoping my life never depends on getting a job where they expect me to be like that.
So I've been writing today, and today is my birthday, but that is irrelevant. I was adding the part about treatment. I have to be kind of brief about things, but touch upon the aspects of it that are important. I have been being incredibly brief about things, leaving out most of the stuff that happened, just touching on things I deem important.
One of the things that happens when you are going through what I'm going through, and thinking the way I'm thinking, with whatever it is that I am going through. Delusions? Mental illness? Altered spiritual state? Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. One of the things is you think differently and things pop out more in your mind that seem important, like random things that happened. They pop out more, and this is conducive to painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. Because that's what memoir writing is, painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. It is a form of art and involves creativity because you have to decide what to include and how you are going to tell it.
Anyway, so one random small insignificant event popped out of me that happened early on in my Innercept career. And it involved this other girl at Innercept. And I was remembering how back in the day, at one point I had delusions about my delusions, and I was telling her about it. I was going to add this part to my book and she wanted to have me put the part where I tell her about it in the book. So I was going to and I was writing about it, this was several years ago, but then later I decided that I didn't want to include the delusions about my delusions, and even if I did the part where I tell her about it wasn't significant enough to add it into the book. So it was not going to be in the book. But then today, I was remembering the other thing that popped out at me. And it was such a coincidence because it was the same girl who wanted to be in the book, so I added it and told her about it on facebook and she was happy.
I have to add back a part I removed awhile ago because I was embarrassed. I have to re-add some mention of it because it is actually something really important. It was meant to embarrass me because it was important that I be embarrassed. So yeah this is kind of a tell-all book. Not literally everything. I know some people might not want me to add stuff that embarrasses me but it is way worth it in this case to add it. It adds a lot to the book. So you have to make sacrifices.
There are things in my book like slutty behaviors that aren't necessarily that uncommon, and a lot of people have done these kind of things, but everyone has to act like people don't do these kind of things and they don't talk about them.
It's like, you have to put a certain image out into the world, whether it be out on the internet or through publishing a book, like you don't do certain things. You have never been promiscuous or have done drugs or drank excessively. And you don't have any opinions about anything that could possibly be offensive to anyone. And stuff like that. And if you don't present this image, employers won't hire you. But no one is like that. So every single person has to fake it and they are expected to fake it.
This is something that annoys me about the world. So I am hoping my life never depends on getting a job where they expect me to be like that.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Dreaming of STD's
I had a dream last night about the guy I had delusions about. This dream lacked the intense feeling of longing. An indication of progress. The two of us lived relatively close together and saw each other sometimes but not all that often. I still kind of had feelings for him but they weren't that strong anymore. It was the feeling like when you are in a relationship with someone and then you break up and you have pretty much moved on, but there are still remnants of feelings.
So the two of us were talking. There was an understanding that I was with someone else. To make conversation and indicate that I had moved on, I asked him about this one girl I saw him hanging around a lot. They seemed to like each other so I asked if the two of them were going to get together, as an indication that I would like to see him with someone else. He told me that they had discussed it and he wasn't sure that it would work out. They each had an STD, but not the same STD. They didn't want to get together and acquire the other one's STD because then they would both have two STD's. So it probably wasn't going to work out. He asked about my STD's. I told him I didn't have any. He told me that I might have one and not know it.
I think the reason I had this dream was because last night at the restaurant I was sharing a spoon with my sister because the dessert only came with one spoon, and I asked her if she had oral herpes. At first she thought I meant that I had it but then I told her I was just making sure that she didn't have it.
Anyway, that's all for now.
So the two of us were talking. There was an understanding that I was with someone else. To make conversation and indicate that I had moved on, I asked him about this one girl I saw him hanging around a lot. They seemed to like each other so I asked if the two of them were going to get together, as an indication that I would like to see him with someone else. He told me that they had discussed it and he wasn't sure that it would work out. They each had an STD, but not the same STD. They didn't want to get together and acquire the other one's STD because then they would both have two STD's. So it probably wasn't going to work out. He asked about my STD's. I told him I didn't have any. He told me that I might have one and not know it.
I think the reason I had this dream was because last night at the restaurant I was sharing a spoon with my sister because the dessert only came with one spoon, and I asked her if she had oral herpes. At first she thought I meant that I had it but then I told her I was just making sure that she didn't have it.
Anyway, that's all for now.
A Successful Book Trailer
So I'm thinking it might work out, making the book trailer with my sister, I am just going to have to push her some more to do it my way.
I don't know that my sister understands the point of the book trailer. She thinks it shouldn't be humorous because it's a serious topic. Sure, it is serious, but we don't have to act like it's a tragedy. I have an idea how I'm going to become famous and it's not going to happen if I don't poke fun at myself. The thing is I will get angry if someone pokes fun at me in the wrong way. Which means if it's someone who witnessed me becoming delusional, and they make fun of one of my actions they witnessed which demonstrates a lack of understanding. Or something like, they act like some of the stuff I was thinking, was just stuff I thought up out of my own free will, and they don't seem to understand that what I was experiencing was completely off the wall, and it was through no fault of my own that I was experiencing this.
But anyway, I don't think I will be upset if I am well-known and people make fun of me, because the information they have is the information I gave them.
So the idea behind making the book trailer at this point in time is to get people interested in me and build my platform. Right now people can't go out to the store and buy the book because I don't have a publisher. But I will be more like to find someone who will give my book a chance if I can say I have this many likes on facebook, or I get this many pageviews a month on my blog, or my book trailer has been viewed this many times.
The book trailer has to be funny, because it has to be entertaining in itself, it does more than just get people interested in the book. If I create something that's clever and funny and original and people really like, they will be more likely to share it with their friends. And then it can spread like that.
So my sister had this idea that she would do a voice over talking about me losing my mind. And then it would be like I was coming to the door and she was going to interview me. And then she would interview me.
So I was thinking about it, and I had an idea that I thought was good. In the voice over, she would talk about me like I was this dark family secret, her sister who went crazy and was sent to a treatment program in Idaho. It would be weird and overly dramatic which is kind of what my sister was thinking too. Then, we would have me coming to the door for the interview. My sister would open the door, and I would look up at her, and very slowly and creepily I would say, "Hello, Kristen." And there would be this dramatic music.
But my sister shot this down, saying I should just act normal when she answered the door and not say anything at all. And then she would interview me and ask me questions like why did I decide to write the book and what I was worried about with the book being published. I told her these were bad questions and she said they were good questions. What I meant was, the answers to those questions aren't going to sell the book.
So I think I will need to talk to my sister more about this, and we will work on it over Christmas break.
I don't know that my sister understands the point of the book trailer. She thinks it shouldn't be humorous because it's a serious topic. Sure, it is serious, but we don't have to act like it's a tragedy. I have an idea how I'm going to become famous and it's not going to happen if I don't poke fun at myself. The thing is I will get angry if someone pokes fun at me in the wrong way. Which means if it's someone who witnessed me becoming delusional, and they make fun of one of my actions they witnessed which demonstrates a lack of understanding. Or something like, they act like some of the stuff I was thinking, was just stuff I thought up out of my own free will, and they don't seem to understand that what I was experiencing was completely off the wall, and it was through no fault of my own that I was experiencing this.
But anyway, I don't think I will be upset if I am well-known and people make fun of me, because the information they have is the information I gave them.
So the idea behind making the book trailer at this point in time is to get people interested in me and build my platform. Right now people can't go out to the store and buy the book because I don't have a publisher. But I will be more like to find someone who will give my book a chance if I can say I have this many likes on facebook, or I get this many pageviews a month on my blog, or my book trailer has been viewed this many times.
The book trailer has to be funny, because it has to be entertaining in itself, it does more than just get people interested in the book. If I create something that's clever and funny and original and people really like, they will be more likely to share it with their friends. And then it can spread like that.
So my sister had this idea that she would do a voice over talking about me losing my mind. And then it would be like I was coming to the door and she was going to interview me. And then she would interview me.
So I was thinking about it, and I had an idea that I thought was good. In the voice over, she would talk about me like I was this dark family secret, her sister who went crazy and was sent to a treatment program in Idaho. It would be weird and overly dramatic which is kind of what my sister was thinking too. Then, we would have me coming to the door for the interview. My sister would open the door, and I would look up at her, and very slowly and creepily I would say, "Hello, Kristen." And there would be this dramatic music.
But my sister shot this down, saying I should just act normal when she answered the door and not say anything at all. And then she would interview me and ask me questions like why did I decide to write the book and what I was worried about with the book being published. I told her these were bad questions and she said they were good questions. What I meant was, the answers to those questions aren't going to sell the book.
So I think I will need to talk to my sister more about this, and we will work on it over Christmas break.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Book Trailer Collaboration Issues
So I met with my sister to work on the book trailer yesterday and I have to say I am worried about how this is going to turn out. My sister refused to stick to a script. I don't know that she had a problem with the script I made, she just didn't want to repeat scripted lines. See, I have to collaborate with my sister on this because making videos is one of my sister's hobbies, and I don't know anyone else who makes videos and I don't know how to do it by myself.
My sister wanted it to start with a voice over, with her talking about me going crazy from her perspective. She wanted to do this because afterwards she would interview me from the perspective of being my sister. I was a bit wary of this. I didn't want her perspective of what happened to color my book trailer. Not only that, but then she asks the interview questions. Which gives her control of the topics covered, allowing her to color the book trailer even more.
My sister said something like she saw what to happened to me from a perspective where she was thinking clearly. I think maybe she was implying that I might not understand it as well because my thinking was off. She tells me I said certain things. The thing is, what she remembers is how she interpreted the things I said, not exactly what I said. How she interpreted what I said may have been slightly wrong, and then when she repeats what I said she paraphrases it without meaning to because she doesn't remember exactly what I said, and she paraphrases it based on her interpretation.
So we kind of got in an argument. I understand that it is something that she would have to put a lot of work into. But the thing is, no book trailer at all is better than a book trailer that I am not happy with. I made a script because it gave me perfect control over how it turned out. I made it so that it portrayed me, in my opinion, as kind of odd and bizarre, talking about a time when my thinking was strange. At times I wrote it so it's like I am saying something I did that seems really off but I say it like it is normal, and my sister has this strange look on her face. I don't want a book trailer that makes me come off like a complete loon, and I feel that that is what my sister's perspective is.
My sister asked me if this was really something I wanted on the internet. She also has made comments in the past asking me if I really wanted to write a book about this so that everyone knows. It's like dude, I don't mind, if it's from my perspective.
I'm not embarrassed about becoming delusional because I understand what I experienced. I understand that the way I reacted to the things I was experiencing wasn't all that weird. And then my sister focuses on these random details that don't mean shit. Like I was apparently sitting in my room with the light off. I didn't remember this, but then I was thinking about it. It was because the light I usually used, the ceiling light by the closet, had burnt out. The main ceiling light bothered me because it was too bright. So I just didn't have any light on. So what? It wasn't pitch black. I may have had my lap top open. My sister thinks that the fact that the fact that I didn't have any lights on speaks volumes about my mental state.
And now I'm sitting here getting mad just thinking about it. See, this is a subject that is really easy to piss me off on. That's why I wrote a fucking script.
My sister wanted it to start with a voice over, with her talking about me going crazy from her perspective. She wanted to do this because afterwards she would interview me from the perspective of being my sister. I was a bit wary of this. I didn't want her perspective of what happened to color my book trailer. Not only that, but then she asks the interview questions. Which gives her control of the topics covered, allowing her to color the book trailer even more.
My sister said something like she saw what to happened to me from a perspective where she was thinking clearly. I think maybe she was implying that I might not understand it as well because my thinking was off. She tells me I said certain things. The thing is, what she remembers is how she interpreted the things I said, not exactly what I said. How she interpreted what I said may have been slightly wrong, and then when she repeats what I said she paraphrases it without meaning to because she doesn't remember exactly what I said, and she paraphrases it based on her interpretation.
So we kind of got in an argument. I understand that it is something that she would have to put a lot of work into. But the thing is, no book trailer at all is better than a book trailer that I am not happy with. I made a script because it gave me perfect control over how it turned out. I made it so that it portrayed me, in my opinion, as kind of odd and bizarre, talking about a time when my thinking was strange. At times I wrote it so it's like I am saying something I did that seems really off but I say it like it is normal, and my sister has this strange look on her face. I don't want a book trailer that makes me come off like a complete loon, and I feel that that is what my sister's perspective is.
My sister asked me if this was really something I wanted on the internet. She also has made comments in the past asking me if I really wanted to write a book about this so that everyone knows. It's like dude, I don't mind, if it's from my perspective.
I'm not embarrassed about becoming delusional because I understand what I experienced. I understand that the way I reacted to the things I was experiencing wasn't all that weird. And then my sister focuses on these random details that don't mean shit. Like I was apparently sitting in my room with the light off. I didn't remember this, but then I was thinking about it. It was because the light I usually used, the ceiling light by the closet, had burnt out. The main ceiling light bothered me because it was too bright. So I just didn't have any light on. So what? It wasn't pitch black. I may have had my lap top open. My sister thinks that the fact that the fact that I didn't have any lights on speaks volumes about my mental state.
And now I'm sitting here getting mad just thinking about it. See, this is a subject that is really easy to piss me off on. That's why I wrote a fucking script.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Undiscovered Talents
I would appreciate it if people who read my blog would like my "Rachel Zuhl" page on facebook. Not my personal page but my writer page. Thank you. I also have a "Party Like Jesus" page, but I haven't really been asking people to like that yet. You can if you want though.
So I am getting ready to make a book trailer for my memoir. My sister is big into film making so she is going to help me with it. In the book trailer, she will be interviewing me, but the entire thing is scripted. I wrote the script a few weeks ago. I tried to make it humorous. I am hoping it is not too confusing.
Anyway, so I was thinking about back when I first realized that I was delusional, back in early 2008. I mean, plenty of people had told me that I was delusional, but I didn't believe them because I knew better. I decided to make the best of this situation and write a book and become famous. Because I knew that when life gives you lemons, the smart thing to do is make lemonade. And I was pretty sure that I could make lemonade out of these lemons that life had given me.
I didn't know that I was any good at writing. In fact, in the beginning I was thinking about having it ghostwritten. Which is funny, because I think the only kind of people who get their books ghostwritten are famous people. Because if you're not famous and you're not a good enough writer to write a book then you can't have a book. But then I decided to write it myself, because I was on a writer's website and I read a comment from an author, an author who's book I had repeatedly seen on display at bookstores, saying that he didn't think his book would have been as successful as it was if he hadn't have written it himself.
It's kind of odd because I don't even see myself as that great of a writer but people act like I am. I originally decided to write not because I thought I would be good at it, but despite not being that great at it. It turns out though that I am good at it, apparently. I don't know what it is about my writing that is good. Maybe it is because I use a certain kind of humor, a certain kind of subtle humor. I don't really know.
I don't even read that much anymore. I used to read a lot when I was in fifth and sixth grades. Then I stopped. I would still read on occasion, but not nearly as much as I used to. Nowadays if I read I usually read nonfiction. And not usually memoirs. I can't even think of a single memoir I have actually finished reading off the top of my head.
My dad tells me that people who think they are really good at something, like writing, a lot of times aren't good at it at all. They don't know good writing, they lack both the skill to write well and the skill to assess their writing properly.
So I am getting ready to make a book trailer for my memoir. My sister is big into film making so she is going to help me with it. In the book trailer, she will be interviewing me, but the entire thing is scripted. I wrote the script a few weeks ago. I tried to make it humorous. I am hoping it is not too confusing.
Anyway, so I was thinking about back when I first realized that I was delusional, back in early 2008. I mean, plenty of people had told me that I was delusional, but I didn't believe them because I knew better. I decided to make the best of this situation and write a book and become famous. Because I knew that when life gives you lemons, the smart thing to do is make lemonade. And I was pretty sure that I could make lemonade out of these lemons that life had given me.
I didn't know that I was any good at writing. In fact, in the beginning I was thinking about having it ghostwritten. Which is funny, because I think the only kind of people who get their books ghostwritten are famous people. Because if you're not famous and you're not a good enough writer to write a book then you can't have a book. But then I decided to write it myself, because I was on a writer's website and I read a comment from an author, an author who's book I had repeatedly seen on display at bookstores, saying that he didn't think his book would have been as successful as it was if he hadn't have written it himself.
It's kind of odd because I don't even see myself as that great of a writer but people act like I am. I originally decided to write not because I thought I would be good at it, but despite not being that great at it. It turns out though that I am good at it, apparently. I don't know what it is about my writing that is good. Maybe it is because I use a certain kind of humor, a certain kind of subtle humor. I don't really know.
I don't even read that much anymore. I used to read a lot when I was in fifth and sixth grades. Then I stopped. I would still read on occasion, but not nearly as much as I used to. Nowadays if I read I usually read nonfiction. And not usually memoirs. I can't even think of a single memoir I have actually finished reading off the top of my head.
My dad tells me that people who think they are really good at something, like writing, a lot of times aren't good at it at all. They don't know good writing, they lack both the skill to write well and the skill to assess their writing properly.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Mind-Blowing Bouts of Crazy Delusional Thinking
So I'd like to take some time to discuss old issues. Old, delusional issues.
A nice way to combat insecurity and feelings of being judged is with arrogance. That's what I did when I was delusional and my delusional world wasn't going my way. I just decided that I was better than everyone else. I was better than all those mean, cruel, imaginary people.
So I combat feelings of insecurity about being delusional with arrogance. What happens is, first I get mad because other people don't understand what I experienced. Than I realize that what I experienced was so mind-blowing it would be really difficult for other people to understand who haven't experienced it. Then I take pity on them, them poor folk who haven't had their minds blown by intense bouts of crazy delusional thinking.
The thing about being delusional is, or at least one of the things about being delusional is, it isn't pure insanity. There is rationality too. Delusional thoughts and actions rest on the rationality.
Actually, I don't know if I've written about this before, but I'm going to write about it again anyway. One of the things they ask you is "why you?" Why are you the special messiah or whatever? Well, it has to be someone. You've been given this great responsibility, and you must follow through with your spiritual mission. For a long period of my life I hardly even talked. I didn't even trust myself to speak. I needed to learn to trust myself. To trust myself above other people.
I kind of think people thought I was more out of it than I actually was. When I was first becoming delusional, I was writing on my livejournal. I knew full well that writing certain things made me look crazy as fuck. I didn't care. I didn't realize that what I was doing was very dangerous. I didn't realize how important it was to my parents that I appear sane and reasonable, and that they could follow what I was saying and understand what I was talking about.
My dad deleted part of my livejournal because of it. I'm over it now but I still think it's kind of weird. True, I was a bit messed up in the head, but I knew what I was saying. I mean, I had some idea what I was saying, it came out sounding a lot more crazy than I intended but it doesn't really matter. I knew full well that repeatedly addressing this one guy and acting like he was reading when as far as anyone could tell he wasn't made me look like I had lost my marbles. The thing was, I didn't even want to say the stuff I was saying. I was pushing myself very hard to say the stuff I was saying. It took guts to say the stuff I was saying. I was proud of myself. To repeatedly act like this guy was reading when there was no sign that he was reading, to spew religious and God related bullshit when I came from an atheistic family.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
A nice way to combat insecurity and feelings of being judged is with arrogance. That's what I did when I was delusional and my delusional world wasn't going my way. I just decided that I was better than everyone else. I was better than all those mean, cruel, imaginary people.
So I combat feelings of insecurity about being delusional with arrogance. What happens is, first I get mad because other people don't understand what I experienced. Than I realize that what I experienced was so mind-blowing it would be really difficult for other people to understand who haven't experienced it. Then I take pity on them, them poor folk who haven't had their minds blown by intense bouts of crazy delusional thinking.
The thing about being delusional is, or at least one of the things about being delusional is, it isn't pure insanity. There is rationality too. Delusional thoughts and actions rest on the rationality.
Actually, I don't know if I've written about this before, but I'm going to write about it again anyway. One of the things they ask you is "why you?" Why are you the special messiah or whatever? Well, it has to be someone. You've been given this great responsibility, and you must follow through with your spiritual mission. For a long period of my life I hardly even talked. I didn't even trust myself to speak. I needed to learn to trust myself. To trust myself above other people.
I kind of think people thought I was more out of it than I actually was. When I was first becoming delusional, I was writing on my livejournal. I knew full well that writing certain things made me look crazy as fuck. I didn't care. I didn't realize that what I was doing was very dangerous. I didn't realize how important it was to my parents that I appear sane and reasonable, and that they could follow what I was saying and understand what I was talking about.
My dad deleted part of my livejournal because of it. I'm over it now but I still think it's kind of weird. True, I was a bit messed up in the head, but I knew what I was saying. I mean, I had some idea what I was saying, it came out sounding a lot more crazy than I intended but it doesn't really matter. I knew full well that repeatedly addressing this one guy and acting like he was reading when as far as anyone could tell he wasn't made me look like I had lost my marbles. The thing was, I didn't even want to say the stuff I was saying. I was pushing myself very hard to say the stuff I was saying. It took guts to say the stuff I was saying. I was proud of myself. To repeatedly act like this guy was reading when there was no sign that he was reading, to spew religious and God related bullshit when I came from an atheistic family.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
The Messiah Delusion and Narcissism: They Don't Go Hand in Hand
So, it has recently come to my attention that some people associate believing you are the second coming of Christ with narcissism. I don't know what it's like for other people, but I know for me it wasn't about narcissism. Yes, I believed I was someone extremely important and yes, I believed I was on a divine mission. Big deal. What's wrong with believing you are on a divine mission? What I'm trying to say is I believed these things, but I didn't believe I was infallible or sinless.
I realized when this came to my attention that this would be good topic for an article I submit to magazines, not a blog. So I started writing that. Then, I realized I could both write a blog about it and an article, as long as the two things were different. So that's what I'm doing!
One of the things that made it possible for me to believe that I was Jesus/God but I wasn't perfect because one of the ideas behind my delusions was that God isn't infallible after all. The whole thing about God being infallible was a lie.
The moment when I was figuring out my delusions and I figured out the thing about Jesus, it really scared me. No, I did not want to be Jesus. But I talk about this in my book. For awhile I was in denial about it, telling myself I wasn't really Jesus, I was just the one who happened to fall at the center of this whole thing.
It's not that there is no narcissistic element at all to it, because when you go around believing you are the messiah for an extended period of time you start to feel pretty special. And the thing that made it believable is that for as long as I can remember, especially when I was really young, I had a sense of being someone exceptional. It's not a feeling I had control over. That's just how I felt. So that's what made the Jesus thing believable.
One of the many conflicts in my book is me trying to figure out why someone not all that great such as myself would be the second coming of Christ. It was confusing. Then there's also the knowledge that once my messiah-ship (that's probably not a word) is made public, I will never be able to live up to peoples' expectations of how the second coming of Christ is supposed to act. It's a great responsibility, being the second coming of Christ. I didn't tell my parents that I thought I was the messiah because I knew that made me sound crazy, but I would always say to them, "if you knew what it really was, you would wish it was just a mental illness." Because I knew that living a life as the second coming of Christ would be much harder than any mental illness, probably. It could be exciting, it could be thrilling, but it would also be terrible at the same time. Grand but terrible. I couldn't even really imagine what it would be like. I wondered if all this doctor crap even compared to the shit I would experience as the second coming of Christ.
There was never any desire to be worshipped. The thought of people worshipping me scared me and made me feel really uncomfortable.
When my delusions were disproven, I got the idea I could write a book about it. That was a great thing, because I could be famous and not be the second coming of Christ!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, believing you are Jesus feels kind of cool, but at the same time it's pretty freaking scary.
I realized when this came to my attention that this would be good topic for an article I submit to magazines, not a blog. So I started writing that. Then, I realized I could both write a blog about it and an article, as long as the two things were different. So that's what I'm doing!
One of the things that made it possible for me to believe that I was Jesus/God but I wasn't perfect because one of the ideas behind my delusions was that God isn't infallible after all. The whole thing about God being infallible was a lie.
The moment when I was figuring out my delusions and I figured out the thing about Jesus, it really scared me. No, I did not want to be Jesus. But I talk about this in my book. For awhile I was in denial about it, telling myself I wasn't really Jesus, I was just the one who happened to fall at the center of this whole thing.
It's not that there is no narcissistic element at all to it, because when you go around believing you are the messiah for an extended period of time you start to feel pretty special. And the thing that made it believable is that for as long as I can remember, especially when I was really young, I had a sense of being someone exceptional. It's not a feeling I had control over. That's just how I felt. So that's what made the Jesus thing believable.
One of the many conflicts in my book is me trying to figure out why someone not all that great such as myself would be the second coming of Christ. It was confusing. Then there's also the knowledge that once my messiah-ship (that's probably not a word) is made public, I will never be able to live up to peoples' expectations of how the second coming of Christ is supposed to act. It's a great responsibility, being the second coming of Christ. I didn't tell my parents that I thought I was the messiah because I knew that made me sound crazy, but I would always say to them, "if you knew what it really was, you would wish it was just a mental illness." Because I knew that living a life as the second coming of Christ would be much harder than any mental illness, probably. It could be exciting, it could be thrilling, but it would also be terrible at the same time. Grand but terrible. I couldn't even really imagine what it would be like. I wondered if all this doctor crap even compared to the shit I would experience as the second coming of Christ.
There was never any desire to be worshipped. The thought of people worshipping me scared me and made me feel really uncomfortable.
When my delusions were disproven, I got the idea I could write a book about it. That was a great thing, because I could be famous and not be the second coming of Christ!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, believing you are Jesus feels kind of cool, but at the same time it's pretty freaking scary.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
When Small Actions Hit Nerves
I find myself torn apart with regret. But lately I've realized something: in a way, these things make me wiser. Because I can see common threads between my mistakes and the mistakes of other people, and I can forgive them for them much more easily.
For example, I know what it's like to beat yourself up over something: repeatedly, endlessly. Then, you feel that someone else is looking down upon you for the exact thing you beat yourself up over. It's the most maddening thing. I give myself enough shit because of this. I don't need it from other people. As a result, I don't hold things against people that I know they themselves deeply regret.
Another thing is, I know what it's like to have a lapse in judgment. People got mad at me for something I didn't even realize was wrong. It baffled me. Was it really that big of a deal? Apparently it was. As a result, I understand that other peoples' lapses in judgment don't necessarily mean they are bad people.
At the same time, as I'm thinking about this, I feel the hypocrisy in what I am saying. I know that hatred is always wrong, but at the same time I constantly struggle with feeling something akin to hatred toward a particular person. What it is is, I have reason to believe this person knew about my delusional issues, and as a result they removed me as a friend on facebook. For people who know about me and my issues, it's not the obvious person. I forgive the obvious person.
Actually, it might not be because of the delusions themselves, but rather some of the stuff I said when my judgment was severely off due to whatever the hell it was that was going on with my brain. At any rate, it's something related to my delusional issues. I feel very positive that it is, despite the fact that really I am ignorant because I don't really know exactly why they removed me. So I make assumptions. I assume it's something that would piss me off. And I get severely pissed off.
As a result, this person has become a symbol in my mind, the target of a great deal of the anger I feel about what has happened to me. The thing is, I can explain myself and my actions every step of the way. I know what it looks like and I know why it's not what it looks like. It's not that I don't think other people have better things to do than sit around and talk shit about me. Because really, I do. It's not that I just randomly make up stories about other people and convince myself that they are true. My own brain executed all this in an extremely elegant fashion and it deceived me. I had evidence, but it was based on the way certain things fit together, and I didn't think this kind of thing would happen just randomly. Ever since I moved off to college, I knew something extraordinary was going to happen during that year. There was a point where I became delusional on a subconscious level before it became conscious. I can remember thinking certain things at certain points that later were part of my delusions. I didn't realize I was thinking these things till later, but looking back I see how these thoughts affected my actions. And when I finally did become delusional, it became clear to me that this was an exercise in trusting myself, in believing in my experiences without having external proof.
I could say more but I don't want to get too far into my issues. I remember all the anguish and pain. This is a hot button issue with me. There is so much emotion attached to this issue, and by judging me without knowing a damn thing about it you really hit a nerve.
But maybe that's not even the reason. I've said stuff while I was delusional that I deeply regret saying. It was because my judgment was severely off. I don't understand why you would think I was thinking clearly. Wouldn't it be obvious that I wasn't? This is also a hot button issue, because it is something I don't forgive myself for. When you give yourself enough shit over something, you don't need it from other people.
So maybe I am ignorant. Maybe that's not the reason you removed me as a friend. But based on the evidence, it looks to me like that's the reason. When I first noticed that we were no longer friends, I wasn't pissed off. For a long time I just felt absolutely worthless. Then I realized that I wasn't worthless and I was angry at you for making me feel this way.
So this is why I hate you. For this I am deeply sorry. I'm not proud of the fact that I hate you, because being a hateful son of a bitch is nothing to be proud of. And in a way, the fact that I feel anything at all is a compliment. Because I don't hate people whom I've never respected, and I once respected you. But you really hit a nerve.
For example, I know what it's like to beat yourself up over something: repeatedly, endlessly. Then, you feel that someone else is looking down upon you for the exact thing you beat yourself up over. It's the most maddening thing. I give myself enough shit because of this. I don't need it from other people. As a result, I don't hold things against people that I know they themselves deeply regret.
Another thing is, I know what it's like to have a lapse in judgment. People got mad at me for something I didn't even realize was wrong. It baffled me. Was it really that big of a deal? Apparently it was. As a result, I understand that other peoples' lapses in judgment don't necessarily mean they are bad people.
At the same time, as I'm thinking about this, I feel the hypocrisy in what I am saying. I know that hatred is always wrong, but at the same time I constantly struggle with feeling something akin to hatred toward a particular person. What it is is, I have reason to believe this person knew about my delusional issues, and as a result they removed me as a friend on facebook. For people who know about me and my issues, it's not the obvious person. I forgive the obvious person.
Actually, it might not be because of the delusions themselves, but rather some of the stuff I said when my judgment was severely off due to whatever the hell it was that was going on with my brain. At any rate, it's something related to my delusional issues. I feel very positive that it is, despite the fact that really I am ignorant because I don't really know exactly why they removed me. So I make assumptions. I assume it's something that would piss me off. And I get severely pissed off.
As a result, this person has become a symbol in my mind, the target of a great deal of the anger I feel about what has happened to me. The thing is, I can explain myself and my actions every step of the way. I know what it looks like and I know why it's not what it looks like. It's not that I don't think other people have better things to do than sit around and talk shit about me. Because really, I do. It's not that I just randomly make up stories about other people and convince myself that they are true. My own brain executed all this in an extremely elegant fashion and it deceived me. I had evidence, but it was based on the way certain things fit together, and I didn't think this kind of thing would happen just randomly. Ever since I moved off to college, I knew something extraordinary was going to happen during that year. There was a point where I became delusional on a subconscious level before it became conscious. I can remember thinking certain things at certain points that later were part of my delusions. I didn't realize I was thinking these things till later, but looking back I see how these thoughts affected my actions. And when I finally did become delusional, it became clear to me that this was an exercise in trusting myself, in believing in my experiences without having external proof.
I could say more but I don't want to get too far into my issues. I remember all the anguish and pain. This is a hot button issue with me. There is so much emotion attached to this issue, and by judging me without knowing a damn thing about it you really hit a nerve.
But maybe that's not even the reason. I've said stuff while I was delusional that I deeply regret saying. It was because my judgment was severely off. I don't understand why you would think I was thinking clearly. Wouldn't it be obvious that I wasn't? This is also a hot button issue, because it is something I don't forgive myself for. When you give yourself enough shit over something, you don't need it from other people.
So maybe I am ignorant. Maybe that's not the reason you removed me as a friend. But based on the evidence, it looks to me like that's the reason. When I first noticed that we were no longer friends, I wasn't pissed off. For a long time I just felt absolutely worthless. Then I realized that I wasn't worthless and I was angry at you for making me feel this way.
So this is why I hate you. For this I am deeply sorry. I'm not proud of the fact that I hate you, because being a hateful son of a bitch is nothing to be proud of. And in a way, the fact that I feel anything at all is a compliment. Because I don't hate people whom I've never respected, and I once respected you. But you really hit a nerve.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Striking Gold Without Picking Your Nose
So my mom tells me I should write fiction. She tells me my blog is just so great, and that when I was taken to the hospital for the first time, the guy who interviewed me about what I believed told her that I should be a fiction writer, because he was impressed by what I told him, despite the fact that it wasn't true.
I didn't know that the guy said this, my mom just told me this yesterday. But it made me very glad that other people appreciated the greatness of my delusions, and it was funny to think he said this even though at that time I hadn't even figured everything out yet so there were massive holes in the story.
The thing is, the time when I became delusional was the time I struck gold. I came up with an awesome story, although it is not without plot holes, I don't think any of them are massive enough that they couldn't be smoothed over and the story couldn't be made into a movie. But I was in quite a bit of a different state when I came up with this, I was the most fucked up on life at that point and I wasn't even on anything (unusual). I kind of think it wasn't even me who came up with this story, I was just somehow tapping into a higher source. All the loose ends tie together in the end, like they do in any good story. That's what fiction is about: coming up with a bunch of events that follow a pattern and create a bunch of loose ends that tie together in the end, in a way that leaves you with a feeling of victory and has some sort of lesson about life. My delusions have all that.
Most of the time, I'm not that great at writing fiction. Coming up with stories isn't my creative strength. My creative strength comes out when I program computer games, and I come up with ways to model real life phenomena amongst a colony of virtual bugs. It's freaking awesome. But when it comes to fictional stories, I'm not good at coming up with stuff that's original and not stupid.
So two years ago I was writing a fictional story based on my delusions, like how it could have been if my delusions were true. I decided it made the story stronger if the main character (who wasn't me) told stupid lies all the time. Don't ask. So I would have him say something strange, and I was cracking myself up with the stuff I came up with. Then afterwards, every time, the person whom he was talking to would say, "interesting." Every time. It was a little thing I had going.
But I got frustrated. I had a lot of dialogue, but in every scene it was people talking about their majors (because it took place in college). Sure college students talk about their majors, but they talk about other things too. What do I have them talk about? I don't know! Guys by themselves. What do guys by themselves talk about when there aren't any girls around? How am I supposed to know? Yet I am somehow supposed to make the dialogue sound realistic and true to life. In order to be any good at this, I would have to spend a great deal of time observing people and their dialogue in the real world.
As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm remembering a time when I was a freshman in high school and I wrote a story about a teenage girl going on a camping trip with her family that people liked. The thing that people liked about it was the voice of the girl, not the plot, the plot kind of sucked. For people who don't know voice in writing refers to when something is told from a certain person's perspective, the sense of personality of the person you get based on the way they talk and the stuff they say.
So anyway, maybe I should focus on middle grade fiction for girls.
I didn't know that the guy said this, my mom just told me this yesterday. But it made me very glad that other people appreciated the greatness of my delusions, and it was funny to think he said this even though at that time I hadn't even figured everything out yet so there were massive holes in the story.
The thing is, the time when I became delusional was the time I struck gold. I came up with an awesome story, although it is not without plot holes, I don't think any of them are massive enough that they couldn't be smoothed over and the story couldn't be made into a movie. But I was in quite a bit of a different state when I came up with this, I was the most fucked up on life at that point and I wasn't even on anything (unusual). I kind of think it wasn't even me who came up with this story, I was just somehow tapping into a higher source. All the loose ends tie together in the end, like they do in any good story. That's what fiction is about: coming up with a bunch of events that follow a pattern and create a bunch of loose ends that tie together in the end, in a way that leaves you with a feeling of victory and has some sort of lesson about life. My delusions have all that.
Most of the time, I'm not that great at writing fiction. Coming up with stories isn't my creative strength. My creative strength comes out when I program computer games, and I come up with ways to model real life phenomena amongst a colony of virtual bugs. It's freaking awesome. But when it comes to fictional stories, I'm not good at coming up with stuff that's original and not stupid.
So two years ago I was writing a fictional story based on my delusions, like how it could have been if my delusions were true. I decided it made the story stronger if the main character (who wasn't me) told stupid lies all the time. Don't ask. So I would have him say something strange, and I was cracking myself up with the stuff I came up with. Then afterwards, every time, the person whom he was talking to would say, "interesting." Every time. It was a little thing I had going.
But I got frustrated. I had a lot of dialogue, but in every scene it was people talking about their majors (because it took place in college). Sure college students talk about their majors, but they talk about other things too. What do I have them talk about? I don't know! Guys by themselves. What do guys by themselves talk about when there aren't any girls around? How am I supposed to know? Yet I am somehow supposed to make the dialogue sound realistic and true to life. In order to be any good at this, I would have to spend a great deal of time observing people and their dialogue in the real world.
As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm remembering a time when I was a freshman in high school and I wrote a story about a teenage girl going on a camping trip with her family that people liked. The thing that people liked about it was the voice of the girl, not the plot, the plot kind of sucked. For people who don't know voice in writing refers to when something is told from a certain person's perspective, the sense of personality of the person you get based on the way they talk and the stuff they say.
So anyway, maybe I should focus on middle grade fiction for girls.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Upcoming Writer's Conference
The psychic at the holistic fair told me I should go to writer's conferences (actually, she said I should meet the literary agents in person, which means writer's conferences). I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but I was looking up writer's conferences and I found that there was one, IN PORTLAND, during a time I was already going to come home, August 3-5. How convenient!
So I wrote out my pitch and practiced it, both in my head and out loud, both in the living room and in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I did it in the bathroom so I could watch my expressions and connect with my little spiel to see what I should emphasize, what gestures I should make, etc. I wondered what the neighbors thought of me talking to myself about being the second coming of Christ.
My dad suggested I get an idea of the scope of the audience for my book is. I mentioned that you are supposed to assume 1% of the target audience will buy a copy. He said everyone who is bipolar, plus five to include people close to them.
I actually don't think that is the audience. I think the audience is people between the ages of 16 and 35, with people who have actually been delusional showing more interest. So, maybe people between those ages plus older people who have been delusional. When I saw the psychic, she mentioned I had written a children's book. I'm like, "No..." She said, "I meant, a book for younger people, not children." I can actually kind of see that, as the people who I have given my book to who have been younger have seemed to enjoy it more. By younger I mean late teens and twenties. The psychic said it would be popular amongst young people, and popularize some of the things I believe in amongst young people. By the things I believe in, I think she meant like spirits, tarot cards, and past lives.
So I've mentioned I revised the part where I explain my delusions. I think I mentioned that if I get people to understand my delusions, it takes it from being a pretty good memoir to something that is really memorable, because this story that I imagined happened is powerful. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago. I was really picturing this story in my head, and I realized that if it were a movie it's the kind of thing where people would be crying in the movie theater. People cry pretty easily during movies.
Anyway, so I printed my book off, thinking I would give it to someone to read. I used the equivalent of an entire package of paper, because I forgot that the last time I printed it off with my dad we used a two-sided printer, so it was twice as thick as last time. I divided it into two sections, three-whole-punched the first section one or two pages at a time and put it in a binder. I haven't done the second section yet. I realized I don't know who to give it to.
Actually, I have an idea of someone to give it to. It's this other guy who's in the program, in aftercare like me, who I see often. He believed he was the messiah at one time too. For some reason, I think that he would really appreciate my book, more than other people would. So I wanted to give it to him, even though I don't know him very well. I keep thinking I'm going to ask him to read it but every time I'm around him I don't. I was at school, talking to the staff who does study sessions when he came up and asked me if I had an off switch. He didn't mean it to be mean, I don't think. I think he just meant I was full of spunk. I don't really know what he meant. I told him my off switch gets flipped when I take Klonopin at night. Then he went to class. And I didn't ask him.
So I wrote out my pitch and practiced it, both in my head and out loud, both in the living room and in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I did it in the bathroom so I could watch my expressions and connect with my little spiel to see what I should emphasize, what gestures I should make, etc. I wondered what the neighbors thought of me talking to myself about being the second coming of Christ.
My dad suggested I get an idea of the scope of the audience for my book is. I mentioned that you are supposed to assume 1% of the target audience will buy a copy. He said everyone who is bipolar, plus five to include people close to them.
I actually don't think that is the audience. I think the audience is people between the ages of 16 and 35, with people who have actually been delusional showing more interest. So, maybe people between those ages plus older people who have been delusional. When I saw the psychic, she mentioned I had written a children's book. I'm like, "No..." She said, "I meant, a book for younger people, not children." I can actually kind of see that, as the people who I have given my book to who have been younger have seemed to enjoy it more. By younger I mean late teens and twenties. The psychic said it would be popular amongst young people, and popularize some of the things I believe in amongst young people. By the things I believe in, I think she meant like spirits, tarot cards, and past lives.
So I've mentioned I revised the part where I explain my delusions. I think I mentioned that if I get people to understand my delusions, it takes it from being a pretty good memoir to something that is really memorable, because this story that I imagined happened is powerful. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago. I was really picturing this story in my head, and I realized that if it were a movie it's the kind of thing where people would be crying in the movie theater. People cry pretty easily during movies.
Anyway, so I printed my book off, thinking I would give it to someone to read. I used the equivalent of an entire package of paper, because I forgot that the last time I printed it off with my dad we used a two-sided printer, so it was twice as thick as last time. I divided it into two sections, three-whole-punched the first section one or two pages at a time and put it in a binder. I haven't done the second section yet. I realized I don't know who to give it to.
Actually, I have an idea of someone to give it to. It's this other guy who's in the program, in aftercare like me, who I see often. He believed he was the messiah at one time too. For some reason, I think that he would really appreciate my book, more than other people would. So I wanted to give it to him, even though I don't know him very well. I keep thinking I'm going to ask him to read it but every time I'm around him I don't. I was at school, talking to the staff who does study sessions when he came up and asked me if I had an off switch. He didn't mean it to be mean, I don't think. I think he just meant I was full of spunk. I don't really know what he meant. I told him my off switch gets flipped when I take Klonopin at night. Then he went to class. And I didn't ask him.
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