Breaking Attachments

I was sitting in church the other day when I was thinking that I had problems with attachments to people. I was worried that this was some sort of disorder I had as a result of growing up so isolated. Not physically isolated, mentally and emotionally isolated. Because I didn't talk to very many people.

What I wonder is, why is it upsetting to have people that like you? Do people find it upsetting? So I liked this guy in college because I saw something great in him, and I felt great when I was around him. But he always pushed me away. And I think, isn't it a compliment that I like you? It wasn't like one of those guys on facebook who tell me they looked at my picture, and they fell in love. Because that is bullshit and solely based on physical attraction. I liked him because I thought he was someone interesting. And most people I find boring. But he was interesting. It was his personality, it had nothing to do with his physical appearance.

Maybe it's my fault the way things turned out. But I'm starting to hate him. And it's not real, true hatred. I couldn't feel that for anyone, but especially not him. But I have made great progress with this in the past year, and I find that if he hates me it's not really that big of a deal. I feel a sense of disgust now when I think about him, which is something new.

I would always be nice to him if he were to be nice to me. I guess, I wouldn't even secretly hope for a miracle where we could be together. I'm okay with him hating me now, because I have transferred my feeling for him, and the energy I put into those feelings, into feelings for other people. Yes, people, not another person. Plural. Because I have this strange ability now to have feelings for many people at a time.

I guess, what I'd want to say to you is that, maybe my opinion means nothing. Maybe it means nothing to you, at least. I know you hate yourself. But my opinion is that you have something about you that is really fucking awesome. And maybe that just makes you hate yourself more.