Failing at Life

So I woke up last night wondering, what if my parents died? What would I do?

I mean I would be sad, but then I would have no one to support me, because I rely on my parents for money.

How would I make money? I don't have a college degree. College classes cost money. I couldn't take college classes anymore. I'd have to live on the street.

So I comforted myself by telling myself that, I would move in with Erik.

I could get more money than just SSI because I could also get social security if one of my parents is dead. But could I even live off that?

I'm actually really scared about my life. So I was drawing tarot cards to see if they could provide answers regarding the success of my mobile app. First I didn't get good cards. Then I started drawing some really good cards, like the Magician. Excellent card. Ace of wands. King of Pentacles. Good cards regarding the success of my mobile app.

I don't know how I would do it if my dad died, because I ask him questions regarding things. And how would I afford medication?

I feel like I fail at life. I feel like I have become incredibly lazy. Once upon a time, I was doing well. Back in the spring. And I worked out every morning, then worked on my book, then worked on learning objective C. And it was good.

It was actually quite pleasant and lovely when I became delusional again. But the after effects aren't so lovely. Now I can't get that energy back. I must find a way to get that energy back. I was so happy back in the spring. I felt confident. Now, I am sitting here, and I haven't showered in five days. I will shower today. I promise you, I will shower today.

So I'm thinking that the difference between then and now was, the SSRI's. Back then I was on Celexa. I think I need that again.