The Magical Day When You Stop Trusting Your Brain and Submit to Everyone Else's Opinions

So my parents think that there was this magical time when I accepted I couldn't trust my own brain. Because as we all know, every parent dreams of that magical marvelous day when their child accepts that he or she just can't trust their own brain and submits to not thinking for themselves, not forming their own opinions and submitting to the opinions of everyone else.

I remember back awhile ago, I was reading my mom's email. And she had emailed a link to one of my blogs to my old therapist, a blog titled, "Trying to Reason When Your Reasoning is Messed Up." And my mom said, "Wow, how far Rachel has come!"

I thought that was funny, because that's not even the point I was making in that blog.

The thing about being told over and over and fucking over again that you can't trust your own brain, is that you start to wonder if maybe you can't. So that's all that post was, me wondering if I couldn't.

Anyway, you can tell that's not the conclusion I come to in this post because I end the post by wondering what the purpose of the final event was. The thing is, now I understand the purpose of the final event.

The reason this is significant is, my belief was that things weren't just random and delusional but each event happened on purpose for a reason. So by questioning the purpose of the final event, I was showing that I believe that the events happened on purpose. They were delusional, in that I believed stuff that wasn't true. But that's besides the point. The point is, I believed stuff that isn't true for a reason.

So, my parents think that my thinking was corrupted by this Scientologist guy. But that's not really what happened. My thinking has always been corrupted. It was never uncorrupted. But, there was a time when I pretended to believe what they wanted me to believe.

So my parents response to this is, “Rachel, your memory is messed up. You can't trust your own brain. You can't trust your own memory. We remember you believing the doctor's diagnosis with no reservations.”

Me not remembering things correctly is another symptom of my mental instability.

So, I had been working on taking myself off this nasty drug Depakote. Which can be difficult, but I was working at it and I had some success. I had myself stabilized on one pill instead of the normal two. Then, my mom found my stash of untaken pills. This filled her with distress.

So, I think that one of the ways my parents thought that Innercept made me better is that now I am willing to take medication. Not so. Not so. In reality, Innercept is a very expensive waste of time. I tried to tell my parents this, but they are like, Oh, Rachel, I can tell just by talking to you that you are doing so much better! You are so much more with it and here mentally than you were!

My dad tells me this when I am high out of my mind on cough syrup. So that's pretty much why I don't trust my parent's opinions.

Thank you for your time.