Doubts

So I am having doubts about this religious crap in my life. Like, I don't know if I even believe Jesus was God or any of that bullshit.

My belief in the divine/spiritual and my belief in Jesus are two entirely separate things. If I stop believing in Jesus, I would just go back to being spiritual and not religious. But I wouldn't be an atheist, is what I am saying.

For whatever reason though I am obsessed with Jesus. And I have been kind of been thinking, we kind of need to have Jesus as a dead role model in our society. Because I kind of think, it gives people a standard against being a good person is judged. Like, I don't know if a lot of people even recognize what it means to be a good person.

To me it means, not seeking revenge. Forgiveness. And all that other crap Jesus talked about. I don't know.

The thing is, I have always had an interest in religion, but when I actually became religious it was kind of like a delusional thing, because of me going to hell in my sleep. And now my belief in religion is entirely based on fear. Because it introduced this concept, that hell is so scary, you don't even want to risk it. It might be bullshit, but what if it's not and you're not saved? You're screwed. I never thought that way before until I went to hell in my sleep.

But I am wondering. Why did God go out of his way to save me, but not other people? Am I better than other people?

I don't know. Maybe I am. But sometimes I am so selfish I think I am like a sociopath or something. But there is a part of me that is kind of like a child, in a good way. And there are certain kinds of pain that I understand, and if I feel that someone is going through that, I will do what I can to make it better. And I would never cause that sort of pain. Like, I can't even yell at people, because people have yelled at me and it has made me feel bad, so now I see people yell at others and wonder how they can do that.

I can yell at my parents though, if I am upset enough. But there have been times when I should have yelled at someone but didn't.

Anyway, I am going off on a tangent. I am still Christian for now, but I have doubts about it.

One thing my parents commented on was the fact that I added things that weren't really an original part of Christian theology, in order for it to make sense.