Conversation With Job

I took a vacation from my life last night in the form of a dream. It started out where I was in a strange house that was supposed to be my house, on my computer working on stopping global warming. I fell asleep at my computer. Then I was in a dream within a dream. I was petting a cat, and I looked at it and recognized her as my family's old cat Amanda who died several years ago. I realized that I must be dreaming. Then a guy came and spoke to me, and told me that his name was Job. I asked him if he was the same Job from the bible. He had to think about this for several minutes. "Oh yeah, I was in the bible," he said. He told me that I was different from other people in that I required spiritual energy in order to survive (I'm not quite sure what this meant, but that's what he said). I think he said other stuff that I don't remember. I asked him if my meds hindered me. He said he didn't remember, he had to check on that and get back to me. Then I woke up, but I was still asleep because it was a dream within a dream. I felt very touched that Job from the bible felt the need to speak with me. I was going to write something about in on Facebook, but then it turned out I was still in a dream and I woke up again, yet again still in a dream. I didn't end up saying anything about in on Facebook, I wondered who I should tell about it. I didn't tell anyone, but my parents knew about it. They were upset that I was still having delusions about the bible, and they were after me. I left the house, and then I was outside my real house at home.

My dad came out of the house first, and I was standing on the sidewalk. He was going to chase after me, but instead of running I just held up my hand, pointing all my fingers at him and focusing all my energy on keeping him in one place. It worked, he stood there motionless. Then my mom came out of the house, she didn't see me but she walked on to the grass and was standing closer to me. I held my other hand up to keep her still. But it was impossible to keep them both still because I didn't have enough energy. I then woke up for real.

When I woke up, I felt like I had been somewhere far away. I don't think I really talked to Job but the dream seemed significant. I was starting to feel normal, and then I have this dream about talking to people from the bible reminding me that I'm not normal.

And then I come to the NIC library and get on Facebook and read messages sent by my sister. My parents are upset that I'm in a relationship because they think I'm not ready. I'll probably go to the grave not being ready to be in a relationship. It's doubtful that my parents will ever think I'm ready to be in a relationship again. This is an interesting feeling, because it does piss me off. A lot. At the same time, I remember myself holding up my hands in the dream and paralyzing them with my mind, and the sense of power I had over them.

The Task of "Getting Better"

I would like to take a moment to discuss the subject of "getting better." I was sent to Innercept because my parents wanted me to "get better." Romantic relationships are seen as a hindrance, a roadblock along one's long journey on the road towards "getting better."

I've been told that I need to focus on "getting better." To me, this is kind of like telling me to focus on finding Jesus. It leaves you wondering, "how the hell am I supposed to do that?" Both are very vague commands that are probably meaningless. With both tasks, I wouldn't have the slightest idea where to start, or what I'm even trying to do.

There are some people who are messed up chemically, and may even themselves out with time. I was like this once back in 2006 when I had my first episode and my brain evened itself out without the aid of medications. For people like this, telling them to get better is like telling a drunk person to focus on sobering up. There's really nothing they can do but wait it out until the alcohol leaves their system (and not drink any more alcohol, of course).

Innercept employees might say that focusing on getting better means focusing on working the program. One thing I've learned from living at Innercept, which I would have guessed anyway, is that working the program doesn't fix the original problem you had that landed you at Innercept in the first place. I don't necessarily talk to most of the people who have left Innercept but I talk to people who do and I'm in the loop at least somewhat. I hear stories. People who come here because of drug problems want to get out, work the program, then leave and go back to drugs. Of course, the same may be true of any treatment facility. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "getting better" comes from within, not from living the Innercept lifestyle. Actually, I would argue that being in a place like Innercept where freedom is restricted sets people up for going crazy when they actually get freedom again. But now I feel like I might be going off on a tangent.

Anyway, I've lost my focus and forgotten what I was trying to say. Maybe I'll revisit this topic again later.

The Spirits vs. Your Own Brain

A few months ago someone told me in a dream that a certain thing would happen before I was 25. It's interesting, because it appears to be happening. This is the first time recently that the people in my dreams have predicted something correctly.

Actually, when they told me it would happen I thought they meant before I was 26. They clearly said 25, but in the dream I was thinking 26, so I thought that's probably what they meant. But maybe they actually did mean 25 after all. So this puts the idea in my head that maybe I should heed dream messages.

They have inaccurately predicted things, like that I would be represented by the one agent and that a specific bad thing would happen in November. They predicted that back in July, and right afterward I took preventative measures against it. Still, I don't think it was because of the measures I took that it didn't happen.

I believe spirits can communicate with you in your sleep. They have told me things in my sleep a long time ago that ended up being true. Trouble is knowing what's a spirit message and what isn't. Sometimes when the spirits talk to you, there is a certain unmistakable quality to it. They feel very knowledgable, and very caring, like this is your best friend in the entire universe. But then I started having dreams where people would talk to me and it didn't have that unmistakable quality to it, so I didn't know. But one thing I know is, there are two good things that they repeatedly tell me. One of the things is that my book will be published. The other, I won't mention.

Spirits are often present when you are awake, too, but you are often not on the right frequency to receive their messages. But, sometimes you are. Sometimes, they tell you to look at things. One time, I was around a certain guy at college, and I was sitting at his computer but not looking at the screen. Something told me that he listened to a certain band I liked and it told me to look at the screen, and I looked and his music was up and I saw that he did listen to that band. Other times, they direct you to take certain fortune cookies. It's happened a couple times to me before. I'm about to select a fortune cookie, and I look at the cookies to select one and a certain one catches my eye, and something tells me "that one!" This has happened to me twice that I can remember, and in both instances I read the fortune and later figured out why it was important that I picked that one.

Sometimes, I can't tell if a thought came from my own head or from a spirit. I was talking to my mom, and she was talking about her cousin who died not too long ago and about how she visited her right before she died, and as she regretted not staying there longer because she thought she might have been able to help her. As she was leaving her cousin's place, my mom was asking the spirits or whatever to give her some sort of sign if she should stay longer, and she didn't get a sign so she must not be psychic. As she was telling me this, the thought entered my head that she wasn't supposed to stay because there was nothing she could do. I expressed this thought. I don't know if it came from the spirits or not.

Adventures in Dreamland

My sleep was strange last night.

In my first dream, I was deciphering something someone wrote about me on a message board (this so reminds me of high school, those days seem so far away now). They mentioned me, referring to me by my last name. It was a person I know in real life, but I won't say who. I was trying to figure out why they mentioned me, when without me really noticing, my last name changed into the word "right," like that was suddenly my name. Right, as in the opposite of wrong. Then I woke up, and thought about the dream, and fell back asleep.

This part was bad. I was naked in my room at home, and there was something in front of the door but the door was still open. I was trying to close the door. I turned on my computer but when I did it automatically loaded Starcraft, and I didn't want to play Starcraft. Actually, what I wanted to do was decipher the comment the person left on the message board some more. But this was supposed to be back in the day before everything was wireless, and when I looked at the wires hooked into the wall I noticed that the internet wasn't even plugged in, and the cords were all messed up and the wrong things were plugged into the wrong places. Other stuff was happening, that's all I remember though, and it formed a vicious cycle until I decided I wanted to exit this dream, so I held my breath. I woke up as I inhaled.

I fell back asleep again, but this time I didn't know it was a dream. There was a psychic fair going on. I was thinking about how the spirits were causing this madness and I wanted to ask the psychics about my issues. Talking to the psychics was free. I walked up to a psychic, it was a man. I didn't tell him what my issues were, I just asked about my problems, trying to be very vague. He told me they were caused by spirits. In the dream I was impressed that he knew this. The spirits were using me, creating issues in my life and feeding off the emotional energy they created in me. I asked how to stop this madness. He said I needed to accept Jesus Christ as my savior. Actually, at this point I think there were a bunch of psychics surrounding me all telling me this. I asked if there was any other way, this is where my memory fails me but I think the answer was no.

Anyway, I'm not sure about this dream. I'm not sure what the problems in the one part of my dream were supposed to represent in my waking life.

Bending the Mind

So I have to go to the Innercept classroom to study on Tuesdays. There is always a daily quote on the board. One Tuesday not too long ago it was something along the lines of: "once your mind has been stretched, it never regains it's original form." I was with one of my mentors, and I pointed to it and proclaimed that this was a very true statement.

Yes, it is a very true statement. My mom one time told me she didn't know why I was still so obsessed with my experiences being delusional. She compared it to the time my grandpa once saw wild turkeys on the side of the road. One time, when my mom's father was still alive, we were driving in the country and there were wild turkeys on the side of the road. Big deal. At least, my sister and I didn't understand why it was such a big deal, and no one explained to me why it was a big deal. But my grandpa kept bringing it up later, like it was such a big event. My sister and I mentioned something about it to my mom, how we kept having to hear about the stupid wild turkeys and who cares about wild turkeys. So anyway, my mom was saying that me being obsessed with my experiences was like my grandpa going on about the wild turkeys.

This is not how it is with me. Sure I was delusional, and my delusions were false (which is implied by the first statement because I said they were delusions). You can come back down from being delusional, you can go undelusional, but there's no returning to the original shape that your brain was in before it thought that you were God and you created the universe and all these big events happened because of you and all this freaking amazing stuff. And when I was delusional, an idea was implanted in my mind that hasn't gone away. I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, sometimes I think I repeat myself and talk in circles. But anyway, the idea was that God foresees a natural disaster and he's in a pickle because any prophet is going to be seen as delusional. I'm not saying I'm a prophet or anything, I'm just saying that this is an idea that never goes away. And at night, I continue to be haunted by those dreams. This is where I leave some of you in suspense because I didn't say what dreams, but certain people will know what I'm talking about.

Secretly (not anymore) I wonder what's going to happen. Because I was never convinced it was just a mental illness, and the spirits are urging me to work on getting my book published. Do other authors experience this? But, there are certain things you've got to do. Like take the meds. Take prns when you feel funny and learn from the past. I entertain strange ideas sometimes but I always return to believing just mostly (MOSTLY!) what I know for a fact to be true. Mostly...

My Magazine Article

So here's how my Thanksgiving vacation goes. Beforehand I vow that I will work on getting my magazine article published while I'm home. Once home, I get caught up in playing the Sims. I tell myself that I will begin work on it on Friday. On Thursday evening my hard drive, which has the article and everything on it, dies.

My data isn't lost, I have a back up drive, and I backed up my hard drive a couple days before I left to go home. My mentor acted like backing up was unnecessary. She was wrong.

Some people might have gotten mad in my situation, but I didn't. I thought, maybe this is a sign. A sign that I shouldn't be trying to get it published just yet.

See, I have a plan. The first step is to get published in a major magazine. It has to be a major magazine, though if that doesn't work I will settle for a smaller magazine. But the bigger the magazine the better. I've read that if you get something published in a major magazine it's not uncommon for literary agents to approach you. And that is the goal. Even if they don't, I could mention in my query letter that I was published in a big magazine.

It seems like a long shot. But let me tell you something, I've read the two-minute memoir section of Psychology Today (the section and magazine I have my eye on). My article is better than any I have seen in that section, in my opinion. I don't know how well I'm able to judge my own writing, but I feel that my article is better written than pretty much all of my blogs and the majority of my book. And people tell me that that stuff is well written.

Now, on my blog I've made it clear that I think there's more to my condition than a mental illness. But the article is written as though it were just a mental illness, though I do mention I was never convinced that it was just that and that's what leaves the door open for more delusional thinking. What I mean is, I say that but I don't try to argue that it is more than a mental illness, I actually assume that the reader will assume that that belief is part of my illness. I describe a day where I'm a bit caffeinated, and I'm walking outside and for a few moments I get wrapped up in an episode of delusional thinking, where I briefly entertain the idea that I'm the second coming. The article is meant to be both informative about the way delusional people think and a bit humorous.

I've spent time on this one writing message board posting sample query letters in such, and I've learned that people seem interested in the Jesus delusion. It's a common delusion, but not a lot is written from the perspective of someone who actually had the delusion.

But anyway, the hard drive incident had made me decide to wait until the end of the holiday season to try and get published. My dad's going to have to pay for a membership to Writer's Market (it's relatively inexpensive), which should provide me with guidelines and information for how to submit to magazines and what magazines to submit to.

Potential Anger

I hate it when people act like the way you feel is mental, not chemical. My experiences have lead me to conclude time and time again that when the chemicals aren't in my favor I am incapable of thinking good thoughts or thinking positively. Sure, I can make myself think something positive, but that thought is automatically replaced by a negative thought. The chemicals in your brain color your world and your perception of the world. When I used to cycle (which I don't anymore), I would go from feeling like I was super awesome to feeling like I was absolutely worthless and pathetic and I needed to die, and then back again. It would change super fast too.

I am aware that this last paragraph makes me sound like I have a major mental illness. I have been diagnosed with a major mental illness. However, I am unconvinced. I am on these meds, these antipsychotics, and a withdrawal symptom of the meds is cycling. I used to cycle when I drank too much caffeine, which would interfere with my meds, making me go into withdrawal and cycle.

Someone gave me a pill of ecstasy once, I took it and waited and it had no effect whatsoever. I thought it must have been fake, until someone told me that ecstasy has no effect on certain people who are bipolar because they experience intense highs naturally.

Because of this, I admit it is entirely possible that I have a mental illness. But I think there is something else there too. I don't always acknowledge the existence of this other thing, I sometimes say things which would lead people to believe that I have dismissed my belief in the existence of this other thing. But I haven't. If feelings alone were proof then the existence of this other thing would not be a theory but a solid fact. Feelings aren't proof, but I still believe in the evidence.

If I didn't believe in this other thing, I would be embarrassed. But the existence of this other thing means that I shouldn't be embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed. I don't blame myself for what happened but I don't blame anyone else either. When it comes to my mental illness and the other thing, I did mostly the right thing, every step of the way. The only thing I perhaps did wrong was say things I shouldn't have said.

And inside of me, I have a lot of potential anger. Potential anger is kind of like potential energy. Right now there is no one who is really the target of this anger. But what I mean is, this is a volatile subject. And if someone were to cross the line, and the line is very easy to cross, they would be the target of a very large quantity of anger.

Laughing With God

I would like to take a moment to discuss why the title of my book is Laughing With God. In order to do so, I may have to discuss the content of the book, which I don't normally do on my blog because when it comes out I want the content to be fresh to someone who might perhaps read my blog. But sometimes I make exceptions.

Laughing With God is the title of my book because it captures what was the best part of being delusional, which was when I felt like I was God and I was laughing. Actually, it's a bit misleading because it makes it sound like you and God are two separate things, when the experience I'm talking about is when I am God and I am laughing. But "Laughing As God" didn't sound right.

When I was experiencing one of my "episodes," sometimes I wouldn't feel like myself. Sometimes, I felt like I was someone else. Other times, I felt like I was no one. But the best of times was when I felt like I was God, and I was laughing. Everytime I felt like I was God I was laughing. God is a jolly fellow, sort of like Santa Claus.

I would laugh at something my people did. I was God, and my people, they were so funny. They'd do so many hilarious things. But I'm not talking about those things, that's top secret book information.

It would be funny because they didn't get it. I'd kind of like watching your child, and laughing at what your child does and how your child thinks because their understanding and comprehension is inferior to your own. It reminds me of my dad telling me about cargo cults. According to my dad, less advanced civilizations of people came in contact with more advanced modern day civilizations with airplanes and all sorts of cool technology. The less advanced civilizations wondered why our gods had given us that stuff and not them. They figured it was because we built cool (air traffic control) towers to worship the gods. So the primitive societies built some towers imitating us hoping that the gods would reward them with the same sorts of cool things they had rewarded us with. This is something that we can all laugh at that would also make God laugh, if in fact the god from my experiences were real. And if the god from my experiences were real, that would mean He was me.

What I'm trying to say is, this god isn't mean, but he laughs at humans because they are stupid.

Anxiety: It's a Dilly of a Pickle

I did my monologue for theatre the other day. While I'm sure I got a good grade, I feel like I failed. I spent time beforehand practicing, making faces at certain parts, and making specific descriptive motions. I had it down, man. But when I got up there in front of the class, anxiety took over. Sure, I remembered all my lines (thus why I probably got a good grade) and did most of the motions I practiced, but I feel my anxiety held me back and rendered my performance unconvincing.

They say the only way to get over your fears is to face them. The thing about this is, it only works if you face them and then have a positive or at least neutral experience. So if you're afraid to drive, then one day you take out the car and crash it and kill seven people, that's not going to help your fear of driving any, it only makes it worse. Trust me, I beat myself up over what I deemed was a bad performance, because beating myself up is what I do. I can't help it. I do it with a lot of things, where I think about them over and over again and cringe and say spirits (my calming word).

So there are two problems here, two forms of anxiety, neither of which respond to logic. My anxiety doesn't do me any good, at least none that I can see. It only causes me problems. Yet, I can't just turn it off because things don't work that way. The first form of anxiety is my fear of people. The second form is the beating up of myself. I could have focused on the positives, like how I remembered all my lines and made good gestures. But I focus on the negatives.

So this leaves me in a dilly of a pickle. I really don't know what the solution is. Facing my fears reinforces them, doing nothing does nothing. And drugs won't even work! Because the drugs that kill or ease anxiety lead to drowsiness and slurred speech, two things that will also kill a performance.

I could give up acting, that wouldn't be a problem, except that I know that my anxiety problem will do more than just hinder an acting career. If I were to become famous for my book, and someone invited me on a television show, I would be too nervous to do a decent interview, especially if it was filmed in front of an audience. Any social encounter in which I have a vested interest in making a good impression could be destroyed by my anxiety.

So that's why I can't give up. Therefore, I will take acting again next semester.

God and Atheists

It seems that my philosophical beliefs don't fit with the beliefs of any large group of people.

On the one hand, religious people can be annoying (especially if they're conservative values voters). It's mostly Christians, but there are some annoying Jewish people too. I remember back when I was delusional and I was going to Portland State University, occasionally there would be a show outside. It was usually Christians but one time it was a wacko Jewish guy. So Jewish people aren't exempt. But the Christian people were the funniest. There was a group of them once, and they brought along a guitar and started singing songs. Songs like, "It's Not Okay to be Gay," "It's a Baby, Not a Blob," "Abstinence," and a song against Mormons. I call these kind of people "IJD's." It stands for Insane Jesus Dudes. Come to think of it, I've never once seen a female IJD. They are always dudes. They're the guys who stand around with their sandwich boards, which tell you to repent and accept Jesus as your savior and blah blah blah. They are entertaining.

But these are the extreme examples. I don't agree with Christianity at all, but I think that atheists annoy me more than Christians. Of course, it varies from person to person. There are some atheists who think that any person if they are intelligent and think critically will come to the conclusion that God does not exist. I am intelligent, and I think critically, and I came to the conclusion that God doesn't necessarily exist, but probably does.

Sure, there could be life without God. Maybe humans don't have souls that transcend death (though I think I have proof that they do, but I don't want to get into that). The idea that God does not exist is fathomable to me. But I do believe in God. It's not because I'm so simple minded that the only option I can imagine is that God waved his magic wand and then life forms appeared. But I see great meaning in my own life, and in life in general. I think that life came about intentionally.

I also know people, who believe in the same things I do, but are turned off by the word "God" because it makes them think of religion. So they say they don't believe in God.

But in conclusion, I think the most important thing is to be open-minded to new ideas, and never remain stuck in one way of thinking.

Shyness

So I've been thinking about how I diagnosed myself with selective mutism. I told my therapist today about it, she didn't argue but she said something like, "oh, well most people get anxious in social settings." But she wouldn't really know if I had the disorder or not. She didn't know me when I was younger.

There's something about knowing I have this disorder that makes me feel better. When I think about it, I see reasons why it could make me feel better or it could make me feel worse. The reason why it might make me feel worse is because it means I'm not unique in being so quiet, which sounds like a good thing, but let me explain. I remember back in 2006, I was at the Amen clinic where they were scanning my brain. They also do an interview to help with the diagnosis. It took a great deal of prodding because I had learned from past mistakes not to talk to doctors about certain things, but the interviewer got me to explain a little bit of my delusions, though not in great detail (come to think of it, I've never really explained them to anyone in great detail). The interviewer said there were a few grandiose things, so he asked me the question he asks everyone, which was: "Why you?" Why would this happen to you? Why are you so special? I knew why me, but I didn't answer this question. Because I'm the girl who doesn't talk. And yes, these were delusions, but as I've said before I've considered the circumstances carefully and I think there was something more than just a chemical imbalance, and so what I'm trying to say is that being unique supports my theory. Which is why I might not be happy about not being unique, but that isn't the case. Because being exceptionally quiet is by far not the only thing that makes me unique!

I don't really feel like ranting and raving about the reasons why there are spirits. Even if I did, I would just dance around the issue because if I were to actually give reasons I would be revealing book secrets. Back to the issue at hand: selective mutism. Now that I have a name to describe what I have, I see it as something more external to me and not a defect of my soul. I also realize that it can come with virtues, which I explained in a previous post.

This is weird and I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if this has anything to do with why I've been feeling seriously funny lately. I think there's more to it than that, though. If I believed in astrology, I might say that the stars have shifted and they are in my favor right now. But I don't believe in astrology.

Self Diagnoses

So I've been watching my new favorite show The Big Bang Theory. Apparently there's a character on the show who has selective mutism. So I looked it up on wikipedia and I realize that's what I have. I determined this, keeping in mind that I am a hypochondriac. I even have the positive symptoms associated with it, like high intelligence, sensitivity to other's feelings, and a strong sense of right and wrong. Of course most people would probably say that they have these traits, but I feel that I know myself and my strengths and weaknesses.

Contrary to what it's like for a lot of people though it has gotten better over time. I got a little better when I entered college and I discovered that I could make conversation with people, though I still used alcohol to cope. It's gotten even better in the past 2 or 3 years. It's funny, because on the wikipedia article it says that some people talk to peers but not adults. It doesn't mention people who are the opposite. Of course, I'm an adult now, but I'm still a young adult. Here at Innercept, I see fellow residents as peers and the staff are like the adults (even though technically we are all adults). Talking to staff is like the easiest thing in the world. Seriously, I can go up to a new staff I've never talked to before and talk to them about anything and I'm not anxious at all. Talking to peers is different, I can talk to them too but I have to warm up to them, which can be a slow process. It's weird, because I can be shy as fuck but I think I'm an outgoing person at heart. I was outgoing when I was younger. It makes me wonder what the fuck happened.

But anyway, I think about this in the context of my more recent issues, or whatever the hell it was that happened back in spring break of 2006. Are these issues connected? Well, the fact that I didn't talk in school was part of my delusions, I mean it was significant in the context of my delusions. It doesn't mention there being a link between selective mutism and delusions, though I think it says something about schizophrenia but I don't have that. And as I write this, I am distracted by a sudden thought. Maybe I could talk about being a selectively mute person in my query letter. I'm not sure if this makes me more interesting or more boring.

Back to my delusions. They are the kind of thing I attribute to chemical imbalances when I forget the facts and details. Whenever I start really thinking about all the things that happened, I'm like WTF? There's got to be something seriously funny going on here. Basically, spirits.

But anyway, sometimes still what happens is someone does something that bothers me. At least, this happened once. And I got over it, and I forgave the person in my mind. But I became very conscious of what I said around the person, and when that happens it means I don't talk very much.

Semi-Lucid Dreams and Acting

I woke up around 3 am last night feeling wide awake, so I did what I usually do in this situation, which was switch to the other bed in my room. It worked, I fell back asleep. The downside of this is tactic is that in the morning I have twice as many beds to make.

I had this dream, which was lucid or semi-lucid (I'm not sure if dreams can be considered semi-lucid). At the beginning I was shown a picture of this guy named Charlie, who was going to be my future lover. He had long, dark, very curly hair that was big and went everywhere. Not the kind of guy I'd usually be into, but I didn't think he was that unattractive. Then I was on a mission to find him. Along the way, I met this guy who asked me what kind of drug I don't smoke. I said I didn't smoke crack. So he handed me a cocaine cigarette, I don't think people smoke cocaine in rolled-up cigarette form in real life but they did in my dream. I smoked it and it made me feel interesting, though probably not how it would in real life. In real life I've done cocaine a few times but never when I wasn't under the influence of alcohol. I like it how when you do drugs in dreams they make you feel different. For the rest of the dream I kept doing things and having to run away, except something about it was different than my other running away dreams. I think other running dreams stem from the desire to run away and do destructive things. But in this dream, I was the one who was right. Which might sound wrong considering I was smoking a cocaine cigarette, but in this dream that wasn't considered a bad thing, it was a socially accepted drug like nicotine or even caffeine.

Charlie was the name of a character in the play I saw last weekend. The actor who played him did a ridiculously good job I thought and he is also in my acting class. He did a monologue in front of the class on Monday, and he did a ridiculously good job then too.

Which makes me think of my own acting. I don't know how good I am or if I'm even good at all, I really wonder about this. But I feel the need not to fail at acting. I don't mean not fail the class, I'm sure even someone who completely sucked at acting could get a passing grade in the class if they made an effort. I'm not going to make a career out of acting, but I'd like it to be something I'm reasonably good at. I have to do my own monologue next Monday.

I remember the reason I decided to do acting in the first place. Part of the reason was because it's something I'm interested in, but it was also because I thought I could play myself if my book were made into a movie, because I feel it will be turned into a movie. The advantage I have is that I know how I act and carry myself, and I experienced the events of the book myself. The disadvantage is that I'd have to act convincingly drunk and cry on command.

Seriously Funny

Wednesday was weird. That was the day that the teacher declared that I was the professor. After class I wrote a blog,  filled out an app to be a degree-seeking student at NIC, and then rode the bus home.

It was sometime around then that I started feeling seriously funny. It seems that seriously funny is an oxymoron, but that's how I felt. I wasn't manic. Or was I? I felt a higher energy.

Maybe it was just my hat giving me special powers. First it gave me super awesome professor powers, then it gave me the ability to beat Dan at chess. I don't really know how to define my chess-playing abilities, but I see myself as someone who's doesn't completely suck but isn't particularly good at it, at least for someone like me whose strength is logical thinking. But then again, I don't play enough to really know. Dan claims to be good, he's beaten me twice before, on Wednesday we played twice the first game was a stalemate and I beat him the second game. I'm not sure this chess incident is even significant, but I'm mentioning it anyway. At this point though, I was already feeling seriously funny, which I was quite vocal about. I took a klonopin, though I didn't particularly want one and I wasn't feeling anxious, I was actually feeling pretty freaking good. But I thought maybe if it was just chemical the klonopin would make it go away. It didn't really.

So I thought on this, this seriously funny feeling and what triggered it. It all came on very suddenly, not even over night. I realized it sort of started when the logic professor called me the professor. This wasn't a big deal, but I got the feeling of being recognized in a positive way. One thing I know is, sometimes when something big is going to happen, some big event that triggers a big feeling, when a smaller event happens that triggers a small but similar feeling it feels oddly significant. I've known this to be true from my own experience and other peoples'. I know someone who saw the Lion King as a kid and cried hysterically when Simba's dad Mufasa died. Her own dad died a few years later. Coincidence? No.

The way I feel about this seriously funny feeling, I think it's a feeling that things are going to change for me. Yes, I will move into my apartment and into aftercare, but that's only part of it. I think it might mean that I will be recognized in a small way, but in a much larger way than I was in class, of course. At least, in the near future it will be in a small way. But I didn't know how it was going to happen, so I thought maybe I needed to do something. I wasn't feeling a strong push, but maybe there was still some action necessary on my part. I thought maybe it's time to try to get published in a magazine.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Logic and Dopamine

I just got out of logic class, where I was reminded that logic is something I excel at. I whizzed through the in-class work because it was easy, finishing long before I think anyone else finished, so I sat there staring at the wall, and then the teacher came over and briefly looked over my work and declared that I was the professor. So now I'm a professor.

This triggers a lot of thoughts in me, like that the reason that I don't have the job isn't because of lack of skill but rather lack of education. I figured out the other day that I don't need all that many more credits to earn an Associate's degree, which is exciting to think that I could soon be something more than a high school graduate. Of course, I would then transfer to some other school and earn a Bachelor's degree, and maybe more if I felt like it. North Idaho College may have been good enough for Sarah Palin but it's not good enough for me.

But apart from that, remembering that I excelled at logic made me wonder why I'm not allowed to trust my own brain. For some reason, I have to rely on other people's opinions or conclusions on things, even though I have both higher intelligence and more information.

Yet I, being the professor and all, see flaws in this. I'm not sure how well being good at the kind of logic we were doing in class transfers over to examining my life. When my parents look at my life, they see a trouble teen who spiraled into a meltdown. That's not what I see. Sure, there were issues, but nothing that lead to a meltdown. I see supernatural occurences. More importantly, I see the reasons why these supernatural occurences happened. At least, I see how one odd spirit-induced event lead to another odd spirit-induced event. And this is where I feel like I might lose people, because in order to understand what I am saying I would actually have to give you examples, and that kind of stuff is top secret, at least for now.

But that's not to say that there wasn't faulty thinking. Boy, was there faulty thinking! I'm just saying, there are some serious gaps in the chemical imbalance theory.

In the end though, this misunderstanding comes down to chemicals. Brain chemicals have the ability to determine what a person deems as being probable. Someone with more dopamine sees more significance, and the more grandiose possibility seems more likely. People with less dopamine only accept ordinary and often pessimistic views of why things are. My mother has pessimistic thinking patterns and sees mostly negative traits in her daughters, especially my sister. Whenever my mom talks to me about her she says negative things. It's likely that her brain is unable to comprehend optimistic ideas. This is how I see things.

Breaking Through

I need to find a way to get myself off the ground. I have to learn to make my own income. Since no one seems to want to hire me, I'm left with two options: become famous or survive off of government handouts/become a beggar. So it's one of two extremes. This is how I see it.

The problem with becoming famous is it's kind of like losing your virginity. Once you've done it you can't go back. I read about and listen to celebrities complain about being famous yet I still say fuck it, I want to lose my unknown status. Which is a big leap for me. It's not as big of a leap for my sister, since she is sometimes recognized by strangers. But we don't talk about that.

The process of querying agents is maddening, and if you've been reading my recent blogs you'll know that a lot of things are maddening for me. But I think querying tops the list. And people on the writing website have been hassling me about things, though I don't think they mean to hassle they're just trying to make sure I've thought things through. But I don't want to get into that.

So I said, screw querying for a little bit. Kristen (my sister), let's you and me become YouTube sensations. Now it's probably not as easy as it looks, but look at some of the simple weird videos that become YouTube sensations. There's like a gerbil or hamster or whatever that turns around and has a dramatic look on it's face. That's it. That's all it is, and everyone knows about it. And then there's that guy who lip syncs to that one song. He's also a YouTube sensation.

Kristen and I represent upper-middle class suburban dystopia. There's my sister, but we don't talk about what she does. She also converses with spirits. And then there's me, who dropped out of college when I became delusional and thought that I was Jesus on a mission to warn the world about global warming. I live at a residential treatment center for upper-middle class fucked up young adults/adolescents. Yeah it's all rich kids, because it costs a freaking fortune but isn't worthy hardly a fraction of what it costs. But I've said that already (and deleted that post, I had my reasons). Anyway, I think my sister and I are a pretty good pair.

But my sister doesn't seem as sure of herself in what she is thinking is going to happen anymore. This worries me, because I trust her intuition more than I trust my own, though not about everything. Which because of the fact that I just wrote "not about everything" makes me think I should trust myself more, for reasons I won't get into.

But to sum things up, I'm really not sure about anything anymore, except for the fact that I don't want to resort to applying for social security disability money, and I don't want to end up living off food stamps.

Spirit Imposters

One night last spring my spirit people came to me in a dream and told me I needed to leave Innercept.

I still believe that this was truly a message from the spirits. So I decided that when people directly tell you things in dreams they should be taken seriously. That was before the onslaught of the imposter spirit people.

One theory on why this is happening is because now I make a point of asking questions to people in a dream, thinking they are a spirit. Most people in my dreams aren't spirits, they are just a character generated by some part of my psyche. But I want answers, dammit! So I ask them questions, and if they don't tell me what I want to hear I ask someone else until I eventually get an answer I like.

Last night I didn't have to do this though. I don't remember anything about it except that someone in my dream told me everything that I wanted to hear, about the usual questions I would have asked.

Part of me still secretly (well, not so secretly) hopes that this was a spirit. But I have my doubts. People in dreams have given me conflicting information. Before I got the rejection later from the agent I sent my manuscript to, I had a dream where someone told me that agent would represent me. It's madness.

The problem is that right now my mind isn't regulating who can and can't enter my dreams. I need some sort of filter, with armed guards and metal detectors.

Life Decisions

So I've mentioned before that I use the word spirits to calm me when I remember certain things. While this tactic helps, it seldom does the trick.

This is maddening and repeats endlessly. It started today, and I thought about suicide as a way out. Not seriously, so don't get worried, but the thought crossed my mind. My mind often goes there when it gets bad. It makes me mad because I feel like certain people judge me poorly based on certain things which eat away at me and make me go crazy, sometimes literally, to the point where I think about suicide, sometimes seriously (just not this time). I know I can't kill myself, nor can I self-harm in other ways like by cutting myself. Because despite being torn apart by regret, I actually do forgive myself, and when I hurt myself it's like hurting someone I love, and it feels like a betrayal.

As with most things, you can deal with them in a negative way or you can deal with them in a positive way. So after considering the negative option, I thought about the positive alternative. I thought maybe it was a good idea, and it was reinforced by things that were going on around me. Certain mysterious things I won't mention.

So I made a decision. And I put on a cross necklace to symbolize this decision, but the decision wasn't to become Christian. I just couldn't think of any other way to symbolize it.

I don't know if this is going to last, but I don't think I'll really move forward until I make it last.

Emotions that Eat You Up

I talked to my sister last night. While the conversation wasn't particularly long or in depth it stirred up a bunch of different emotions in me and affected me on a bunch of different levels. There's too much stuff to discuss it all in this entry, so I'm trying to think of what topic I should zero in on.

My sister lets jealousy eat her up. I personally let humiliation eat me up, which then leads to anger eating me up because I fear that people are judging me based on the things I've done that I'm embarrassed about so I make the assumption that that's the reason that they have done certain things, which I don't really know but I naturally assume it's for the reason that makes me most angry. For the most part though I'm actually pretty optimistic. But that's me, back to my sister.

It's funny because I can't really relate to being eaten up by jealousy. One time this guy I liked started dating this girl I didn't like, but it's not like I wanted to trade places with that girl because I wouldn't have wanted to be such a nasty bitch (at this point I laugh to myself). Mostly I'm just jealous of girls that are more attractive than me, which in my opinion is the great majority of girls, but I don't care so much anymore because that's the beauty of getting past adolescence, you start to discover non-appearance related things you like about yourself like mad computer programming skills or the ability to dream up crazy awesome fictional scenarios and believe they're true. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.

Anyway, my sister is jealous of people who have are getting married or who are already married. It's funny, because even though my life is completely devoid of romance (which would be okay if I hadn't found someone actually really desperately wanted to be with), it doesn't even occur to me to be jealous of other people who are married or engaged. If I knew they felt the same way about their partner that I felt about certain people (singular) maybe I would be jealous. But I don't know that. I don't know how they feel. I'm convinced some people get married just for the hell of it. But even if that's not the case and they really are in love and happy out of their minds, than whatever. That's cool for them.

My sister, however, is unhappy and the idea that other people are happy not only makes her jealous, but pisses her off. Because she sees their lives as easy and her life as hard and painful.

I tell her that she doesn't know what kind of issues they personally deal with, which is true but I think there might be some truth to what she thinks. I think the solution to her negative attitude is the same thing that made me stop thinking obsessively about suicide. It comes from reading spiritual books. Basically, life isn't a party. Life isn't about having a good time, it's about spiritual growth and learning lessons. When you endure hardships you grow spiritually. I really do believe this, but even if it's not true it's a good thing to believe because it gets you through the hard times and there might be much better times awaiting you.

There was more on my mind, but that's all I'm saying for now.

Half-Baked Ideas

I mentioned in my last post that I'm writing another book. I've decided to discuss this topic in more depth.

First off, I anticipate a great amount of success with my first book. I won't go into the reasons right now as to why I think it will be successful but I definitely do. So I'm thinking ahead and I'm thinking I'll push out a second book when the first book is still popular.

This isn't just a money making scheme though, as the second book is important. The first book basically states what happened. The second book discusses why it matters. I can't fit this into the first book because it's already too long, and I might have to trim some stuff from the first book anyway and I don't really want to trim anything.

I have a bunch of half-baked ideas floating around in my head. I'm thinking that when I actually get to putting these ideas down on paper they will be baked fully, and if not the process of putting them down on paper will allow them to mature. These ideas, as is anything that I include in a book that is not yet published, are of course top secret.

But I'll beat around the bush some. So I have this fascination with the religious right. I'm not sure why these people fascinate me so but they do. They have this biblical view of the world. This book I'm writing discusses a bunch of things, but I don't think it will discuss them. However, the existence of these people got me thinking and made me decide to write the book, which will discuss things I learned from being delusional. What I hope is that now I have something I didn't have in the past and that's integrity. I like being vague.

Thinking about it as I'm writing this, I think I might call the book Ceilings. The half-baked idea behind this is that the fact that people only believe in science puts them underneath a ceiling. So the truth is, I'm not criticizing people for having a biblical view of the world. These people don't live underneath a ceiling. However, they have very old-fashioned views of the world. That's the bad thing.

I think I might need to do some research.

Rick Perry, Gays, and Global Warming

So I've been discovering the wonders of taking Zyprexa as a prn (in case you don't know a prn is a medication you take as needed). Actually, being Zyped isn't that wonderful (I made up the term Zyped), but it's not as bad as I thought it was before. One of the staff here told me that Zyprexa inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, which would mean that it should actually make you feel better. Knowing this makes the experience of being on Zyprexa more pleasant. It feels the same only now it's not bad. Yes, it's all mental. Zyprexa is an antipsychotic that is supposed to decrease psychosis and delusional thinking.

I was on the writer's forum that I go to, and someone posted a link to an article about people who think our acceptance of gays is causing natural disasters (and 9/11). Now, this wouldn't be a big deal if the people we were talking about were just the Westboro Baptist Church. But it's people associated with Rick Perry, one of the Republican forerunners. Which is freaking scary, because he could be our next president. I'm thinking that he could be worse than Bush.

Yeah, so apparently some people on the right have noticed the increase in natural disasters. Instead of the obvious culprit, global warming, they blame the gays. Why are some people so fucking stupid? I mean, I don't want to be a hater, but seriously.

So anyway, I start thinking about this and I go back to thinking about my delusions. These people can't use their own judgment to see that homosexuality is a victimless (non)crime, and therefore really isn't a problem. But since it says something in the bible about homosexuality, they blindly trust what the bible says. My delusions were about religious fundamentalists and global warming. Basically, one of the premises behind my delusions was that religious fundamentalism makes global warming worse, because of stupid god damn values voters, who vote the way they do because of issues like gay marriage. I remember the 2004 election well, and I'm of the opinion that Bush would not have been re-elected if it weren't for values voters and gay marriage. The idea behind my delusions was not that Democrats are right about every issue across the board, but they are right about the most important issue, which is global warming. And while I may have been delusional, I still believe this.

Anyway, I was thinking about some other things too, but I think I'll just leave it there. On a different but related note, I've decided to write another book where I reflect more on my delusions and the experience of being delusional. I feel this may be even more important than my first book, but my first book is necessary back story.

Stressed Out and At Ease

I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis in my sleep. I keep dreaming that I'm getting old. I think I'm convinced that life ends when you turn 30.

Besides that, I am both stressed out and at ease when it comes to getting published. I'm stressed out because trying to write a query for my book that people on the writing message board like seems near impossible. Still, I respect their opinion because it's probably similar to the opinion of the agents who will read it, and if I can impress the people on the message board then I might be able to impress an agent.

So this task I'm facing is tricky. At the same time, I feel strangely confident that there is really nothing to worry about and that my book will be published. It wouldn't matter if the people on the message board told me that the subject of my memoir sucked (which they haven't, they've told me it sounds interesting), it wouldn't phase me because of how freaking confident I feel about this.

And I'm wondering where all this confidence came from, if it came from somewhere outside myself. It doesn't matter where it came from right now though, the important thing is that it is the thing that is keeping me from giving up.

I think I might be worried that I'm wasting too much of my life at Innercept.

An Irrational Sort of Hope

So, some stuff has happened in the past week.

As I was logging into my email account last Monday, I remember thinking that today was the day I would receive the response from the literary agent who was reading my book, and I wasn't feeling thrilled. Well it was the day, and it was a form rejection. It took her four months to respond, which might not be a long time for some agents but her average response time seems to be about two months or less. I was expecting at least some helpful criticism, but there was nothing. Just a form rejection. She at least acknowledged that it was a memoir, so it was her form rejection for memoir/nonfiction.

Anyway, it didn't get me down right away. I was still feeling a little cheery, like "time to send out more queries!" I used a new approach: personalizing the query to the agent. I sent out three on Monday. On Tuesday, I checked my email. Two form rejections. This is when I got frustrated. And I cursed the publishing gods and this maddening process of trying to get published. Trying to get published was even more maddening than the time I actually went crazy! I went home and took some zyprexa, as I was overstimulated. I went to sleep.

Wednesday was the day when new hope blossomed inside me. I went back to the writing forum I used to be on. I decided I would post my query there for feedback. But I needed 50 posts before I was permitted to. I just now got 50 posts today, right before I started writing this blog, but it said it might take up to an hour to register that I have 50 posts thus why I am taking a break and writing a blog entry. On Wednesday I remembered that my sister gave me advice about my query. The source of the advice is questionable, by that I mean I don't know if it came from her or from the spirits. See, my sister is more in touch with the spirits, like a hell of a lot more than I am. But I took the advice on this query, and added more to the query I was using. After all, it did get me a full request to begin with, so there must be something right about it. It might be that it's too short.

So I hold onto this hope. And right now all I have is hope. Luckily, all I really need is hope. I thought about it, and there are two things, which together mean I will eventually succeed at this: first off, the spirits have been pushing me to get my book published. Not just me, but my sister too. I was feeling this push earlier this year, but I was skeptical of what I was feeling. Then I talked to my sister, and she said she felt a push to push me to get published. I realized the push was real. And when you believe a feeling is real, that makes the feeling stronger, or so I've learned through experience. But anyway, that's the first thing, which in itself doesn't mean I will be published, but what it does mean is that the spirits know that I have the ability to succeed at this. The second thing is that I have honestly been doing the best I know how to do. I have been giving it my best effort, and I know the spirits wouldn't expect me to do any better than that. Therefore, I will succeed.

Shifting Energy

So it's happening again. I feel my personal energy shifting, and I feel like certain things are going to happen. If I told someone at Innercept about this, they would probably thing I was referring to petty matters like moving into aftercare. Yes, that's going to happen but that's not what this energy shift is about.

Energy shifts are easiest to identify by paying attention to what kind of music you feel like listening to. At least, that's how it works for me. I use music to enhance my mood. When I want to enhance my mood, I face the challenge of having to pick the right song from my iPod. Sometimes I get it right, and I say silently to myself that I made a good choice. Sometimes I pick wrong, and I either listen anyway or pick a different song. Sometimes I get frustrated and give up, I turn off my iPod and remove my headphones from my ears and let them hang around my neck.

The song Unwrittten by Natasha Bedingfield is a meaningful song to me. It's a song about being inspired and writing. People who know I wrote a book would probably think that the reason it is meaningful to me is because I'm a writer, but that's actually not the reason. Rather, it's because of an event that's in my book, where I had to write a livejournal entry. I feel that Natasha Bedingfield wrote this song about me. This song was also making its rotation on the radio during the same period of time that I wrote the livejournal entry, which was during the early months of the year 2006.

I have my set of songs I listen to when I feel like I am the messiah, and then I have the set of songs which remind me of events from my book. Lately I've been listening to the book set, not the messiah set. When I listen to the messiah set now, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I've also been listening to a lot of cheery music, mostly by female artists.

But music choices aside, I remain frustrated by how long this is taking. Of course, that's what you have to deal with when you're a writer: the publishing process is painfully slow. The life of an agent or publisher is very busy.

I think very highly of the content of my book. Not because of the writing itself, though I've been told the writing is book. But I can vividly imagine this book becoming popular. I imagine it being turned into a movie, only the movie would be about how it would be if my delusions were actually true, so it wouldn't be about a delusional girl but rather about a girl who was the messiah. And most of all, I imagine people making fun of it. But I don't mean that in a bad way, actually it's a good thing. I imagine things from my book becoming overused and cliche.

Old and New Energies

So I don't live in my apartment yet but I wish I did. Innercept has been jerking me around. I went there yesterday though.

I wanted a double papasan chair. It would be for cuddling. My parents bought me a broken one at a garage sale that they plan on fixing. Right now there is a red double papasan cushion sitting in my apartment where the chair will eventually be. I'm broken when it comes to romantic relationships.

There is random stuff from college sitting around. A cushion that was in my dorm that I didn't use for anything, but I like for some reason. It doesn't match the decor, but for some reason I think it does. But it doesn't.

I have the desk chair I used in college, a cheap one that has history. I remember people who sat in the chair. I remember things that happened when I was sitting in the chair. I'm very sentimental. These thoughts struck me when I was with my mentor and I felt sad.

I have the Rubik's cube I solved at college, right before I became delusional. The solving of the Rubik's cube was symbolic in my delusional world, but in real life I'm not sure what it symbolizes. I have the blue water flippy toy I used as inspiration for my book cover idea.

I have a vase with red sticks that I brought from my room at home. I'm not sure what energy this brings to my apartment. I have a fern that my mom gave me which I named Farrah. I have other stuff too, obviously.

All this stuff sits in my apartment, even though I don't. And the energies combine, and they are creating my new life.

Dreams and Their Pesky Ways

I woke up yelling and groaning from a dream last night. I was staying at a hotel with my parents, but they were still awake. When I woke up in the morning I remembered how I had woke up yelling, I didn't remember what the dream was about at first but then I thought about it and I remembered. There were two people who were the same. I think one was a girl and one was a guy. I was the girl. The thing was, everyone was supposed to be different, so I had to pretend to be different than I actually was. We had a plan about how in the end we were going to reveal ourselves to be the same, but it was nearing the end and it wasn't working out like I had planned, either the other guy backed out or I forgot the plan or it just wasn't working, and I was going to be labeled as mentally incompentent.

This parallels my life weakly but not exactly. Sometimes I relive hard things I've been through in dreams. None of these things happened when I was in treatment. They're things that happened years ago, that I should be over but I'm not. Sometimes it's about my "mental illness," but the thing I'm thinking about was something that happened leading up to the onset.

It happened when I met a guy who liked me. After a few days, I realized that I liked him too. Then he started being rude to me, treating me disrespectfully, and he wouldn't let me hang out with him. And I never got over it. Even now, I'm not over it. I hardly new him.

I feel that my dreams mock me sometimes, by bringing to the surface feelings I would rather were left buried. I lived it once, and it's over. Why must I live it again? I curse these dreams and their pesky ways.

Actually, I love dreams. You just have to admit that some dreams are rather annoying.

Psychic Powers

At the time being, I don't believe I'm psychic. But I believe I could be psychic if I overcome the tendency to see only what I want to see.

I remember one day in eighth grade sitting in science class. We were drawing letters from a hat, or some other bowl or sack-like object, to see which element we would study for are element report. I was waiting my turn, and I was thinking to myself, you know, if I think real hard, I can see into the future and see what letter I'm going to draw before I draw it. So I thought real hard, and the letter H came into my head. Then I drew a letter, and it was an H.

The thing is, I had no vested interest in picking any of the letters. These days, I only try to see into the future about things that actually matter to me. There are times when feelings about things are so overwhelming I know it's more than me just believing what I want to believe. But this is rare, and even then it can be unreliable.

So I am left waiting the painfully slow wait to see if the agent likes my book. If things were a bit more fast paced, I wouldn't have to wonder so much.

The Secret to Ultimate Happiness

Throughout my life I've been riding the roller coaster of my ever-changing weight. When I was younger I was a bit on the heavy side. The way I felt about this was the same way many women (and perhaps men too) appear to feel about their weight. If I could have only lost a few pounds, I would be perfectly happy and my life would be complete. I mean, this must be true, just go to the supermarket checkout stand and look at the magazines. It's pretty obvious that weight loss is the secret to ultimate happiness.

I lost a bunch of weight when I was fourteen (good old Adderall)  and I learned that this was untrue. I was extremely thin, and sure I felt good about being thin, but I think most of it was knowing that I had something that so many people wanted: a skinny body. But I still wasn't happy with my body. I didn't want to be a stick, I wanted to have shape. I wanted a more muscular body, but I couldn't bring myself to get around to going to the gym regularly.

The weight slowly came back throughout high school, then I gained exactly 15 pounds my freshman year of college, which led to a series of attempts to lose weight. By this time I did have the discipline to work out regularly. I was moderately successful at losing weight, but not keeping it off. At one point, after I had worked hard losing 20 pounds, they changed my meds and I gained 50 pounds. But I can always lose weight when I really want to.

Last time I lost weight, it was because of a combination of running six miles everyday and abusing cough syrup. I don't recommend drinking cough syrup as a way of losing weight because the weight doesn't stay off. I got down to 130 pounds on my 5 foot 7 frame, which is actually pretty skinny. Seriously, they talk about skinny women weighing like 105 pounds. They must be extremely short, because I was 130 and I didn't need to lose another pound.

Then the weight came back. Which brings me to my point. Right now I weight about 175 pounds, which is roughly 20 pounds overweight. And I find that I don't give a fuck. Well, honestly I would lose weight if I could and it was easy, but I'm more concerned with weight training. Because I've found that I feel better about myself feeling slightly heavy but strong than I do feeling skinny and weak. Because when you are strong physically, it makes you feel like a strong, powerful person. I feel more confident, and I walk with more confidence.

And I find it odd that there are a lot of women who fear weight training because they don't want to look manly. Honestly, I don't think there is any amount of muscle that a woman can realistically build without the use of steroids that would make her look bad. It brings to mind Britney Spears. I don't know what she looks like right now, but I've seen pictures of her in the past where she was very muscular and looked good, and I would look like that if I could. And even that is unrealistic for most people, because most people don't have a career that requires them to look hot.

In conclusion, you will be happiest if you get your self-confidence from some place other than your physical appearance.

Trying to Reason When Your Reasoning is Messed Up

It seems to be of great importance to my well-being to believe that my delusions were more than just the result of a chemical imbalance in my brain.

This is actually a big topic, but I don't have a lot of time to write so I'll try to make this as brief as possible. First off, it's not of great importance to my well-being to believe I DON'T have a chemical imbalance in my brain. However, whenever I have symptoms which resemble bipolar mood cycling, it introduces doubt that my delusions were more than just a mental illness. But it's also relevant to mention that I never have psychotic symptoms.

I don't remember if I mentioned it on here before, actually I think I did, but I'll say it again. One time last summer, I was feeling some doubt about this, so I made a list of 24 good reasons why there's a spirit. I realize now that not all of the reasons are good reasons. Nonetheless, the list convinces me every time I read it that there's something seriously funny going on with my life, and it's not a chemical imbalance in my brain.

But here's the the thing that gets me: Can I trust my own brain? Maybe there is some serious flaw in my thinking that I can't see, because I can't escape the flaws of my own brain and think with a more universal perfect God-like intelligence. But if I can't trust my brain when it comes to this, how can I trust my brain when it comes to making any logical conclusion? One thing I know is that everytime I come to the conclusion that this is more than a mental illness, it's not a conclusion I come to based on emotion, because that would be unreliable. It's based on the facts, because it happens when I examine the facts.

I remember when I was delusional and my thinking was off. I remember thinking, if I am delusional, then that would mean that this certain event (which I had no evidence of) never happened, but I KNOW it happened so therefore I am not delusional! But that conclusion was based on emotion, because I just felt so SURE that this certain event had happened.

One of the things I see when I examine the series of events that lead to me being delusional, and that followed from me being delusional, was how one unusual thing lead to another. Each event seemed to happen on purpose, and I don't believe these events were coincidental. Is this observation I'm making based on emotion? I don't think so, and I feel very strongly that these things did happen on purpose.

And here's where that last paragraph makes me go off on a tangent. Each event had a purpose, and it led to one final event. WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THIS FINAL EVENT?! Lately I've been thinking that it may have to do with the effect it had on the other person involved with this final event, whatever that effect was. Will it lead to another event? I can't answer this because I don't have the answers. Like I've said before, life is about surprises.

Life: It's All About Surprises

So I'm sitting at the library, and I really feel like writing so I'm going to write but I'm trying to organize my thoughts enough so that I can write about something and not have it turn out incoherent and all over the place.

I find myself confused. There are things on my mind that I really wish I knew the answers to, and then there are things that I'd kind of like to know the answers but I don't really need to.

Sometimes, you "just know" things. But the thing is, sometimes you "just know" something, and what you just know isn't so. Then again, sometimes it is, and when it is it's like, "wow, no one told me that, I just suddenly realized it and knew it was true and wow, I was right!" So how do you tell the difference?

One thing I've learned is to trust your past experience. Ask yourself, what does this experience remind you of? What happened then? Trouble is, sometimes what you're currently experiencing doesn't match with anything from the past.

I've got about a million things on my mind right now, but I'll focus in on one of them. The things that people tell you in your dreams. I had a dream a couple nights ago where I was receiving information from the great beyond. Actually, what was happening is my psychic sister was whispering information to my mom and she was telling it to me. She told me something that made me extremely happy. And I started freaking out! Like seriously, I was freaking the fuck out, because I knew I was receiving this information from a reliable source, and I had just heard exactly what I wanted to hear and I knew it was a dream so that means I was lucid but in most lucid dreams it can be extremely hard for me to stay asleep. I wake up very easily from lucid dreams. But I was going crazy in this dream and I still didn't wake up.

It's weird, because right now I'm staring at what I just wrote, and I've realized that the process of writing that last paragraph convinced me that the information I received was true.

I've said before that you should heed what people tell you in dreams. This is true. Except, they've told me conflicting things. See, I have trouble with my love life, or lack thereof. I have trouble finding people who are interested in me, and when I do, I'm not interested in them. I had a dream a month or so back where someone told me I'd never be in another relationship again. A couple nights ago in the dream I was just talking about, someone told me I'd be in a relationship again before I turned 26. That isn't what I got excited about, I'm not going to say what I got excited about. Later on in the dream, someone told me the thing I got excited about wasn't true. But that was later on in the dream, and the spirits may have left at that point if they had ever been present, as spirits can only stay for so long, because even in dreams mediumship requires you to raise your vibration and the spirits to lower theirs, and this is difficult and the connection doesn't last very long.

I was and still am fully convinced that the night the spirits told me in a dream to leave Innercept, I was talking to the spirits. I'm not fully convinced that the other night I was making contact with the spirits or my great infinite wise self or whatever. It might have meant something, but I'm not sure. Thus why I am confused. I'm also confused at why they told me something good and then took it back. But I feel it might be because they didn't want me to be too sure about this, because then it might not happen, and also because the future is supposed to be a mystery.

Life is all about surprises. Some people hate surprises. That's too bad for them, because life is about surprises. You've got to learn to live with it.

The Coming of the Future

So it started at the end of last year on my birthday. I just started feeling... funny. A good kind of funny. Like good things were on the horizon for me.

My sister and I talked about how when we were younger we both felt that we would grow up to be famous. I had a sense of being the kind of person who would be of great interest to other people. And I felt special in a good way. When I got a little older, I felt like maybe I was different in a bad way, because I was so quiet, and I felt kind of dead inside. But when I became delusional, something inside me awakened and I felt alive like never before. And so it was believable to me that I was Jesus, because I had this feeling of being special in a Jesus-like way. It wasn't that I thought I was really great though, this is kind of hard to explain. I thought the feeling went away when I became undelusional, but then I realized that it didn't really. The feeling never goes away. I wonder if all delusional people who believe they are Jesus feel this way.

But anyway, I thought that if my sister and I were to become famous it would start with me and my book. Then earlier this year, for the first time, my sister, who is more psychic than I am, said that she knew that this is how it was going to happen. So I believed that this feeling I was getting was real. And one thing I've learned is that when you have a funny feeling about something, the less you doubt it the more real it becomes.

So I felt the change inside of me, and it influenced what was interesting to me. At its strongest, I had no interest in anything that didn't have to do with the publication of my book. I went to Hastings, and the only thing I was interested in was books about getting published. I wrote query letters, many different query letters, sent them off, got lots of form rejections. I got frustrated. I sent one last query letter (for the time being), lost interest in query letters and decided I would start out by getting published in a magazine and I would hope that it would lead to a book deal. I felt quite certain that I would succeed at this game, but I no longer felt that strong drive to act, act, act. Innercept took away my computer. I figured I would resume my efforts when I got to aftercare.

I finally heard back from the last agent, after an unusually long wait, and it was request for my manuscript. I was happy and I sent it off, but I no longer felt that strong drive, that funny high that made me believe that good things were on the horizon, though I definitely still believed that good things were on the horizon, but the feeling went dormant.

Right now I'm still waiting for a reply. And I keep telling Caitlin I feel the coming of the future. And now, I'm starting to feel that high again. Will I get an offer for representation? I can't say now because only time will tell. But that's kind of why I think I feel this way, because something good is about to happen.

The future is coming, and I feel the urge to prepare. I chose classes for the fall that will help me prepare. I feel that I am doing this because I know that something is going to happen.

Psychics: My Professional Opinion

A few days ago I was looking at a Skeptical Inquirer magazine and I have to say that I disagree about a number of things. One thing I believe I know is that psychic abilities are real. I went through a phase that I'm not proud of where I would talk to psychics on the internet. I've talked to them in person too. So I consider myself experienced on the subject.

Yes, psychics sometimes know things that there is no way for them to know, even when taking into account that they might be talking to each other. They accurately predict things, but more often than not they predict things that do not end up happening. They can get things right when the chances of them guessing and getting it right are very, very small. They also like to decieve and scam.

I wish I had more time to write, but I have to go to class soon so I'll keep this short. Psychics aren't worth your time or money. Even if they somehow know things they shouldn't know, that doesn't mean that anything else they say is going to be right. They want to make the customer happy, at least at the time of the reading. In other words, they will tell you what you want to hear.

The worst time to talk to a psychic is when you think you might be delusional. No one wants to hear that they are delusional.

Predictions about the future are the most unreliable. Don't take any predictions about the future seriously.

There are some things that you aren't supposed to know until the time is right. Sometimes though, you need advice, and you need it from people who aren't living. At least I do. In this case, you wait for the spirits to talk to you.

But most people aren't mediums! That's not a problem. There's this thing we do every night called sleep. If someone not living really needs to tell you something, this is a good time. My advice: always take seriously the advice you receive in your dreams, if you do receive advice in your dreams.

You can waste money on psychics if you have a lot of cash to spare, but remember that if a psychic says something, it doesn't really mean anything at all.

Narcissism of the Spirit

First off, the reason I am talking about this is because it is something I personally struggle with. Here we have some of my perhaps incoherent musings on souls and existence.

Self-esteem is a tricky subject. If yours is too low there's really no way you can go through life being happy. But if you have high self-esteem does that mean you think you are better than other people?

Because let's face it, if you thought were merely average in every way, you probably wouldn't feel that good about yourself. Or if you felt you were above average in some ways but that the areas you were below average in outweighed the areas you were above average in, or they cancelled each other out, you wouldn't feel that good about yourself either. You need to feel like you are in general above average. Problem is, only half the population is above average.

In order to be healthy, you have to break the competitive mindset and focus on unity. You have to feel that you are a member of the group, the family of humanity, and that you contribute something unique to the group yet you are no better than anyone else in the group. But the tricky part is that you have to really believe that, not just say you believe it.

Because the truth is, or rather, my current understanding of the truth is, all souls are equal. Because your physical attractiveness isn't who you are, you're intelligence isn't who you are, nor is your sense of humor. Who you are is your soul and the knowledge that it contains. Not the knowledge that your brain contains, but that your soul contains, which transcends death. Some souls are further along in the process of knowledge acquisition than other souls. Some souls move along at a faster pace than others. This is their own choice and doesn't mean they're better. Being an old soul doesn't mean your soul is better. We are all merely a different piece of a shattered whole, and there is distance between us and other people and we strive to make that distance smaller.

But we have to be competitive to survive, and when you find yourself winning it's extremely hard to view all people and their souls as equals, because some of us have more advanced souls and we all have unequal temporary earthly traits. I know that I for one suffer from narcissism of the spirit.

And if you do suffer from this, you better not let it show. Because people don't like people who seem to think that they're better than other people, or who admit to it. Which I just sort of did. God dammit.

Writer's Block

So I've sat down to write and I can't figure out what I should be writing about. There are always topics flooding through my head, but in order to write about one of them I have to feel a certain passion about it or else it just kind of flops and it doesn't come off as good as it could. Which is why I'm wondering now if I should even go off Adderall because that's what generates that spark for me which allows me to write passionately. No, I haven't gone off it yet and now I'm questioning whether or not I should. I was going to write about a dream I had last night but now the meat of the dream is covered by a large blank spot in my memory. I hate it when that happens, and that always happens. I wonder why I always have good dreams on Sunday nights.

Actually, as I write this I'm starting to remember. It was struggling to find a computer to get on Facebook. Why did I need to go on Facebook? I don't remember. There were a lot of houses, and someone suggested I go into a random person's house to use their computer. I think there was something about my book.

The ending part was about water parks. Water parks made me feel sick, but it was an emotional sickness and not a physical sickness. This has delusional significance to me but I'm not sure it was about my delusions. I wanted to get on this one elliptical that sprays water but it was too close to the ocean, or something like that. There was the color blue.

I think Freud would have a good time interpreting this dream.

Freud: An Amusing Weirdo

I'll keep this blog entry short as I don't have much time. It seems that I reject Freudian theories in my dreams without knowing that they're Freudian theories.

I had a dream a few months back where there was this guy putting people under hypnosis, and then he would ask them about the first time they were cut. "Was it traumatizing?" he would ask. And he thought that this was a pretty intense question, too intense for some people to answer, because being cut for the first time would be pretty traumatizing. He put me under hypnosis and I answered: "The first time you are cut is not traumatizing! It's normal, natural, and necessary! Start by asking a different question!" And that's when the hypnosis starts going somewhere. I realized after I woke up that the first time you are cut is when they cut your umbilical cord. I wrote about this dream in a Facebook note.

I realize now that I was rejecting Freud. It says in my sociology book that Freud believed growing up was a traumatizing process. I used to read about him and he believed that what everyone desires is to return to the womb. Guys can do this in a sense by having sex with their mother. Freud was kind of a screwed up nutcase.

I used to read about Freud because I was interested in dream interpretation. Freud believes that women envy the male sex organ. I read about this in my sociology book but I already knew this. This is actually a very amusing theory. I probably don't need to say that it is not true. I would be very upset if I had a penis. It's actually a very disturbing thought. And it shows how ridiculous Freud was.

I always liked Carl Jung. He was awesome and understood things better.

If you ask me, I think that what people desire more than getting off is to fulfill the ideal role for their gender. Children get an idea about gender roles at a very young age from television and movies. It becomes ingrained and subconcious. I have a desire for long hair because the princesses in Disney movies always had long hair. But my hair isn't as long as it used to be. I never made the decision to cut it, one time a hairdresser cut it more than I wanted it cut, I never got it even trimmed again but it never grew back, it just stayed the same length. The hair continued to grow though because I still got roots. True story.

Religious Insects, Musical Delusions, and the Big Empty Future

So here I am at the local college. I have a 3-hour study session before my first sociology class. So I do a little bit of text book reading. Reading about sociology makes me think of the computer game I programmed in high school. It was basically a society of bugs, a bug life simulation game, the bugs faced many challenges but the most notable of which was that they had religions. Anyway, I start thinking about that, and I am full of ideas of how I could improve it. Or just start over and program it all over again, with the same basic idea of a society of bugs, but I can make it cooler and totally different. I mean, that was eight years ago when I started working on it. I could make it totally cooler now.

What am I going to do with my life? I know the reason I am shying away from pursuing a degree in computer science is because I don't want to be stuck in a monotonous coding job. Creating a bug game was creative. I want to create my own computer games. Intelligent computer games. There are too many shoot-em-up games out there.

But I also feel this drive to be famous. And I don't just want 15 minutes of fame, I want to stay famous. And I don't know why I want this, but I do. Maybe it's the kind of thing that once I have it I won't want it anymore. But for some reason, being a famous author seems like the most realistic goal I have right now.

I'd also like to dabble in acting. Like, they could make my book into a movie and I could play myself. Then they couldn't say that I didn't have the right look for the part because I look absolutely perfect for the role because it's me. Except I have no acting experience. But it's never too late to start, right? That was my dream when I was really young, to be an actress. In fact, when I was young I knew I was going to grow up to be famous, and I thought it was going to be because I was going to be an actress. It was just like, I had this feeling like I was someone important, someone whom other people would be interested in.

And then I want to dabble in music. I wanted to turn my life into a musical. Or at least the part that had to do with me becoming delusional. And I wrote some songs, with lyrics and everything, and I thought they were good. Sometimes I have a talent for poetry. Except when you write poetry for songs, you have to mix up the rhythms more, or else all your songs will sound the same.

What else do I want to do? Why, I'd like to become Buddhist. Maybe even a Buddhist monk, and then I can teach other Buddhists. Actually, I don't know that much about Buddhism, but from what I know it's probably the most fitting spiritual path for me.

And there are more things I want to do, like write more. So the problem is, none of these really seem that attainable right now, the closest one is getting a published book, but that's not a permanent career. So if I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do, I could focus on that and move full force in that direction, and maybe I would get somewhere. Except I don't know what I want to do because I want to do everything, so I can't focus. So I'm left unemployed and in a program, and the future is just this big blank spot in my mind.

Spirits, Sage, and Skepticism

I have a flaw and that's that I'm too open about talking about the supernatural. Of course, this can also attract people who are enlightened to the existence of the paranormal, or even people who aren't strong believers but are open-minded. But sometimes I forget that there are people who strongly disbelieve. But maybe it's okay to turn these people off because these people bother me, or at least at times they do.

There's nothing wrong with skepticism, because after all, "be skeptical yet open-minded" is my motto or it is as of this moment. They guy who wrote The Four Agreements (a book Innercept is obsessed with) stole it and made it the fifth agreement. What I'm saying is, I do appreciate skepticism. There's a staff member here who's very spiritual, and we have arguments about astrology (I say it's bullshit). And at my first program, there was a girl who mentioned several times that water changes on a molecular level when exposed to different emotions, and I heard another guy say when she wasn't around that everytime he hears someone say that he wants to cry bullshit but he doesn't. And that doesn't bother me because I'm not so sure about this either. My dad judges science fairs, and he says that there's always someone doing that experiment, where there's water with pictures by it, and the guy who did the experiment claims the water molecules by the happy picture are much prettier than the water molecules by the angry or unhappy picture, but my dad looks through the microscope and says really, there's no difference.

But anyway, here's what got to me. The spiritual staff I mentioned before said she had a lighter in her car, because she's saged it once or twice. Julia questioned the whole saging thing, and the staff said it's a Native American thing that gets rid of negative energy. And then I mentioned something that's completely true, which was that my sister saged a spirit out of her apartment. Then I think that the staff questioned if that would work, and I mentioned the spirit eventually came back. Anyway, it was a true story, because these sorts of things happen to my sister, and different weird things happen to me. Saging out a spirit? Normal. But then I realized that some people don't come from my family and to them it's not normal, and the manner in which I spoke of it sort of made it sound like I made it up. So I said something like, "I didn't make that up that's actually true." And then Julia says, "You better stop talking about these spirit things, because if you don't youo might actually start believing them." And I was angry about this, and I wanted to insult her and get revenge somehow, but I try to be mature, and one thing that I strongly feel is immature is the need to get revenge, especially about small things, and this was a small thing. But eventually, I realized that it was funny. Because she doesn't realize that I'm dead fucking serious about believing in spirits. It's not a joke to me. But at the same time, spirits are an inside joke I share with myself that I can laugh about forever and it will never get any less funny. Dammit, this is complicated.

I realize that writing this has been therapeutic to me, and I've concluded that maybe it's not a flaw to be open about what you believe. The exception is if you believe something that could be seen as offensive. Or at least, you should be open about things that are central to who you are, like my belief in spirits. Your opinion on abortion? Keep that to yourself. But as for things that define you (because if your opinion on abortion is what defines you I think you're lame), you should be open and you will attract people who are like you and distance yourself from the people you want to be distanced from. Except, sometimes you have to get along with people you don't like, so that won't always work.

I had a lucid dream where there was a famous lady showcasing furniture in an outside arena. I asked a woman why I was dreaming about this, which is a cool trick because sometimes their answers make sense, and she told me that it was about being open about things. I also had a website for my lesbian alter ego. True story. I mean, it was true in the dream.

A Program of Pill Pushers

So here's what happens when you live at Innercept. Instead of seeing the decision to stop taking Adderall as a positive life choice, which is what it is, they see it as me being defiant. Because what these people do is, they make assumptions. Of course, one of the four agreements is to not make assumptions, but some people don't practice what they preach. They assume that one day I'm just going to go about refusing Adderall, even though that's not what I was planning. I was planning on talking to my doctor about it, and then going off gradually, even though I'm not even on that high of a dose to begin with. It's kind of a ridiculous concept, refusing Adderall.

So staff says to me, "what you write on the internet, anyone can read." Well that's nice, because that means I can say what I want to say. I think Innercept is a program of pill pushers. The decision to take drugs should be a personal choice. But here, they tell me that if I don't take my drugs, they're going to take me to the hospital and inject me with them. Yes, that's what my parents said back when I refused Geodon. They put everyone here on antipsychotics. Now, not everyone needs antipsychotics. But the doctor here is of the opinion that antipsychotics optimize the human experience and that everyone benefits from a good antipsychotic. No, that's not a quote, but that's probably what he thinks. Antipsychotics cause weight gain, diabetes, tardive (sp?) dyskinesis, and general feelings of crappiness. But you can tell by all the pharmaceutical company merchandise lying around the office and the campuses that the doctor has been bribed by the pharmaceutical companies, which is also probably why he takes so many vacations to Italy and Hawaii.

Another thing about Innercept is that they don't believe in clocks that work. At the place I live, it is eternally 4:17. If I were a stoner, which I'm not, but if I was that would drive me fucking crazy.

Adderall

So first off, I worked hard to get to the library so I could post this. Innercept won't let me use my laptop anymore so I can't use wifi at the gym. Staff didn't want me to go to the library today but I defied them. And then I grabbed a bus schedule that was apparently old, because I was going to catch the bus from the gym and I looked out the window 20 minutes before it was scheduled to arrive and there it was leaving. But dammit, I wanted to post this blog! So I tried to get to Riverstone in time to catch the bus from there, but I couldn't with all the damn crosswalks. Then I decided to walk the distance to NIC, because I was determined. I got there and the library was closed. Then I braved the wind and the rain to walk from there to the Coeur d'Alene public library. So here I am now. And dammit, I'm going to post this blog.

I made a decision a few days ago that I never thought I'd make. I've decided to go off Adderall.

Adderall is more than something I take for concentration, but it's also more than something I abuse to get a high. It made the world seem worthwhile back when life seemed dull and pointless, it gave me self-confidence back when I felt worthless. It's like I've been on crutches for the past ten years. Now, I feel like I might be strong enough to go off them. I was tested for nutritional deficiencies, and it was proven that I have an imbalance that means low dopamine, the happy neurotransmitter that Adderall increases (the one that also helps you focus). I've been taking supplements to correct this imbalance.

It's funny, because I can't believe I'm going to do this. I know myself and it's not something I would do. I might recognize that I don't need Adderall anymore, but normally I would continue taking it anyway just because I could. Honestly, I feel like this is my higher self or something greater than myself pushing this. I feel this urge to clean up my act.

I actually have a lot to say about this particular topic, but I'm not going to say very much. The reason is because I see this as the subject of my second book, because I think I have enough stuff to say that it could fill an entire book.

On Delusions and Being a Prophet

Delusions. Some people might wonder how people can believe them while still being functional human beings, like I was at one time. I don’t wonder, because I understand.

There are some things that I lived and I still don’t understand, like things I’ve done or believed and I can’t tell you now what I was thinking. No, actually I can tell you what I was thinking, but I can’t tell you why I was thinking it, because it was so crazy. But my delusions weren’t crazy. Different, yes. And sure, they sound crazy if you say them out loud. But when I became delusional, I developed a deep understanding of this situation. Here we get into book territory, this is not an excerpt but I am commenting on stuff from my book.

I had no religious background before I became delusional, in fact I was an atheist. But when I became delusional, I learned that God created the universe, and life on planet Earth. Then He sent prophets and whatnot to set up religion, and the idea is that the bible is supposed to be the word of God, or it was originally. Let me clarify that this is what I believed when I was delusional and not what I believe now. But then God noticed something. Whenever He spoke up, it seemed to cause more harm then good. So He stopped talking. And for years and years, He said nothing.

Well that’s all fine and good, except then He realized there was a problem: the world was going to be destroyed by the impending disaster of global warming. What to do? He’s been silent so long, how does He break the silence? That’s where I, Rachel, comes in, with my magical livejournal.

Keep in mind that I am being vague and keeping things short as to not give away very much from my book, this whole thing is actually pretty complicated. I wrote an entire book about it, and I was told that publishers might shy away from publishing a memoir as long as mine, me being a non-celebrity and all (at least I’m not a celebrity yet). This whole thing unfolded in a pretty convincing way, and I has some pretty intense experiences that are way beyond anything I’ve experienced on drugs. Keep in mind though, my drug experience is minimal, particularly with the hallucinogenic class of drugs. I should also mention that I was doing no recreational drugs whatsoever when this started, not even alcohol for six weeks prior to the onset of my delusions.

Being a prophet wasn’t something I accepted with open arms. I went through a phase of denial. But deep down I knew that this is what it meant, and I got used to the idea and accepted it. And when you learn you’re prophet, and that you are on a divine mission to save the world, it’s the kind of thing that affects you. It’s like something bigger than you ever dreamed was even possible has happened to you. I’m trying to think of a way to describe how deeply this changes you, but I am at a loss. I can’t think of a suitable description, because really it is beyond description.

So suddenly, you’re living in another universe where everything looks the same but nothing is the same. The thing is, everyone else is still living back in that other universe where you were before. If only I could open up my soul and show people what this is like!

My parents took me to a clinic where they did a brain scan (that’s the thing that’s even more infuriating than no one understanding, everything thinks you’ve lost your mind). And the people at the clinic are used to dealing with delusional people, and they asked me the same question they ask everyone who’s delusional, like this question is going to somehow show me that my delusions are false: Why you?

Well, I had a reason, and there was a lot of stuff going through my head, none of which I said out loud. Why NOT me? It makes sense. I am just that different.

Because, here’s the thing: it’s got to be somebody. So why not me? Whoever it has to be, that person has got to face the issues that come with the territory: people will think they’re crazy. But one of the things that happens when you accept that you are a prophet and that you are on a divine mission is that you find strength inside you. You find the strength to get through the obstacles that this divine mission throws at you, and it’s so fucking hard when everyone labels you as delusional and mentally ill and you don’t believe it one bit, but you’ve got to accept that people will think what they will think and you’ve got to hold your head up and hold onto the belief that in the end things will turn out for the better.

But it’s all over now. The thing is though, it’s never over. I’m not delusional now but this thing that started back in spring break of 2006 is far from over and may never be over. There are some people in this world who I have reason to believe know about me and my issue, and who I have reason to believe think negative things about me because of it (I’m purposely being vague). It upset me at first and made me suicidal (which might not be saying a lot because I get suicidal at the drop of a hat), but I’ve worked through it since then. It’s funny because I feel confident that I’m right but at the same time I am horribly insecure about what other people would think. Sometimes people do the smallest things that are almost harmless in themselves but are indicative of something not harmless. I didn’t choose this, it chose me, I did nothing to bring this on. It tore my life inside out, I have had to go through so much because of this and to this day I am living at a treatment center because of this. I have gone through quite a few ups but a great deal more downs. This isn’t some sort of joke, I don’t know if it seems like it but it’s not. And I’m purposely being vague so people won’t know what I’m talking about, because it is something I’m very angry about and want to vent about but at the same time I don’t want people to know about it. Urrgh.

Being delusional can be a mixed blessing. It’s like I said on my livejournal, “if this is just a mental illness, I reccomend mental illness!” Yeah it’s hard, but I would like to say that you haven’t truly lived until you’ve experienced that defining moment when you learn that you are a prophet on a divine mission. And you’ve spent nearly two years believing it. So if you are making a list of things to do before you die, there’s a good one for you.