I talked to my sister last night. While the conversation wasn't particularly long or in depth it stirred up a bunch of different emotions in me and affected me on a bunch of different levels. There's too much stuff to discuss it all in this entry, so I'm trying to think of what topic I should zero in on.
My sister lets jealousy eat her up. I personally let humiliation eat me up, which then leads to anger eating me up because I fear that people are judging me based on the things I've done that I'm embarrassed about so I make the assumption that that's the reason that they have done certain things, which I don't really know but I naturally assume it's for the reason that makes me most angry. For the most part though I'm actually pretty optimistic. But that's me, back to my sister.
It's funny because I can't really relate to being eaten up by jealousy. One time this guy I liked started dating this girl I didn't like, but it's not like I wanted to trade places with that girl because I wouldn't have wanted to be such a nasty bitch (at this point I laugh to myself). Mostly I'm just jealous of girls that are more attractive than me, which in my opinion is the great majority of girls, but I don't care so much anymore because that's the beauty of getting past adolescence, you start to discover non-appearance related things you like about yourself like mad computer programming skills or the ability to dream up crazy awesome fictional scenarios and believe they're true. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.
Anyway, my sister is jealous of people who have are getting married or who are already married. It's funny, because even though my life is completely devoid of romance (which would be okay if I hadn't found someone actually really desperately wanted to be with), it doesn't even occur to me to be jealous of other people who are married or engaged. If I knew they felt the same way about their partner that I felt about certain people (singular) maybe I would be jealous. But I don't know that. I don't know how they feel. I'm convinced some people get married just for the hell of it. But even if that's not the case and they really are in love and happy out of their minds, than whatever. That's cool for them.
My sister, however, is unhappy and the idea that other people are happy not only makes her jealous, but pisses her off. Because she sees their lives as easy and her life as hard and painful.
I tell her that she doesn't know what kind of issues they personally deal with, which is true but I think there might be some truth to what she thinks. I think the solution to her negative attitude is the same thing that made me stop thinking obsessively about suicide. It comes from reading spiritual books. Basically, life isn't a party. Life isn't about having a good time, it's about spiritual growth and learning lessons. When you endure hardships you grow spiritually. I really do believe this, but even if it's not true it's a good thing to believe because it gets you through the hard times and there might be much better times awaiting you.
There was more on my mind, but that's all I'm saying for now.
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