So I've mentioned before that I use the word spirits to calm me when I remember certain things. While this tactic helps, it seldom does the trick.
This is maddening and repeats endlessly. It started today, and I thought about suicide as a way out. Not seriously, so don't get worried, but the thought crossed my mind. My mind often goes there when it gets bad. It makes me mad because I feel like certain people judge me poorly based on certain things which eat away at me and make me go crazy, sometimes literally, to the point where I think about suicide, sometimes seriously (just not this time). I know I can't kill myself, nor can I self-harm in other ways like by cutting myself. Because despite being torn apart by regret, I actually do forgive myself, and when I hurt myself it's like hurting someone I love, and it feels like a betrayal.
As with most things, you can deal with them in a negative way or you can deal with them in a positive way. So after considering the negative option, I thought about the positive alternative. I thought maybe it was a good idea, and it was reinforced by things that were going on around me. Certain mysterious things I won't mention.
So I made a decision. And I put on a cross necklace to symbolize this decision, but the decision wasn't to become Christian. I just couldn't think of any other way to symbolize it.
I don't know if this is going to last, but I don't think I'll really move forward until I make it last.
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