Religious Insects, Musical Delusions, and the Big Empty Future

So here I am at the local college. I have a 3-hour study session before my first sociology class. So I do a little bit of text book reading. Reading about sociology makes me think of the computer game I programmed in high school. It was basically a society of bugs, a bug life simulation game, the bugs faced many challenges but the most notable of which was that they had religions. Anyway, I start thinking about that, and I am full of ideas of how I could improve it. Or just start over and program it all over again, with the same basic idea of a society of bugs, but I can make it cooler and totally different. I mean, that was eight years ago when I started working on it. I could make it totally cooler now.

What am I going to do with my life? I know the reason I am shying away from pursuing a degree in computer science is because I don't want to be stuck in a monotonous coding job. Creating a bug game was creative. I want to create my own computer games. Intelligent computer games. There are too many shoot-em-up games out there.

But I also feel this drive to be famous. And I don't just want 15 minutes of fame, I want to stay famous. And I don't know why I want this, but I do. Maybe it's the kind of thing that once I have it I won't want it anymore. But for some reason, being a famous author seems like the most realistic goal I have right now.

I'd also like to dabble in acting. Like, they could make my book into a movie and I could play myself. Then they couldn't say that I didn't have the right look for the part because I look absolutely perfect for the role because it's me. Except I have no acting experience. But it's never too late to start, right? That was my dream when I was really young, to be an actress. In fact, when I was young I knew I was going to grow up to be famous, and I thought it was going to be because I was going to be an actress. It was just like, I had this feeling like I was someone important, someone whom other people would be interested in.

And then I want to dabble in music. I wanted to turn my life into a musical. Or at least the part that had to do with me becoming delusional. And I wrote some songs, with lyrics and everything, and I thought they were good. Sometimes I have a talent for poetry. Except when you write poetry for songs, you have to mix up the rhythms more, or else all your songs will sound the same.

What else do I want to do? Why, I'd like to become Buddhist. Maybe even a Buddhist monk, and then I can teach other Buddhists. Actually, I don't know that much about Buddhism, but from what I know it's probably the most fitting spiritual path for me.

And there are more things I want to do, like write more. So the problem is, none of these really seem that attainable right now, the closest one is getting a published book, but that's not a permanent career. So if I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do, I could focus on that and move full force in that direction, and maybe I would get somewhere. Except I don't know what I want to do because I want to do everything, so I can't focus. So I'm left unemployed and in a program, and the future is just this big blank spot in my mind.