Trying to Reason When Your Reasoning is Messed Up

It seems to be of great importance to my well-being to believe that my delusions were more than just the result of a chemical imbalance in my brain.

This is actually a big topic, but I don't have a lot of time to write so I'll try to make this as brief as possible. First off, it's not of great importance to my well-being to believe I DON'T have a chemical imbalance in my brain. However, whenever I have symptoms which resemble bipolar mood cycling, it introduces doubt that my delusions were more than just a mental illness. But it's also relevant to mention that I never have psychotic symptoms.

I don't remember if I mentioned it on here before, actually I think I did, but I'll say it again. One time last summer, I was feeling some doubt about this, so I made a list of 24 good reasons why there's a spirit. I realize now that not all of the reasons are good reasons. Nonetheless, the list convinces me every time I read it that there's something seriously funny going on with my life, and it's not a chemical imbalance in my brain.

But here's the the thing that gets me: Can I trust my own brain? Maybe there is some serious flaw in my thinking that I can't see, because I can't escape the flaws of my own brain and think with a more universal perfect God-like intelligence. But if I can't trust my brain when it comes to this, how can I trust my brain when it comes to making any logical conclusion? One thing I know is that everytime I come to the conclusion that this is more than a mental illness, it's not a conclusion I come to based on emotion, because that would be unreliable. It's based on the facts, because it happens when I examine the facts.

I remember when I was delusional and my thinking was off. I remember thinking, if I am delusional, then that would mean that this certain event (which I had no evidence of) never happened, but I KNOW it happened so therefore I am not delusional! But that conclusion was based on emotion, because I just felt so SURE that this certain event had happened.

One of the things I see when I examine the series of events that lead to me being delusional, and that followed from me being delusional, was how one unusual thing lead to another. Each event seemed to happen on purpose, and I don't believe these events were coincidental. Is this observation I'm making based on emotion? I don't think so, and I feel very strongly that these things did happen on purpose.

And here's where that last paragraph makes me go off on a tangent. Each event had a purpose, and it led to one final event. WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THIS FINAL EVENT?! Lately I've been thinking that it may have to do with the effect it had on the other person involved with this final event, whatever that effect was. Will it lead to another event? I can't answer this because I don't have the answers. Like I've said before, life is about surprises.