A Balance of Chemicals

So I have been trying to get into the ways of the exercise freak again. I worked out early in the morning most of last week and I was reminded that I actually love it, as funny as that sounds. I get up at 5:30 and walk to the gym which is really close by and do the elliptical for 30 minutes. Then, I eat something. Then I have this bad habit of buying an energy drink and drinking that, so I feel all pumped while I do weights. Last week I lost almost 5 pounds.

Trouble is the Klonopin withdrawal has prevented me from working out this week. I worked out Monday but that's it. I've been eating differently, not perfectly but differently, but that's okay because in recent times slight changes in my eating habits cause me to lose weight pretty quickly. But then, for some reason, when I go home to Oregon I don't even necessarily eat more but the weight comes back. Or maybe I do eat more and I just don't realize it.

Klonopin withdrawal has set me slightly off balance chemically. Not to the point where it would be hard to get me back, actually I am sure I will balance out by myself if I just give it time. How it feels though, I don't do the rapid cycling thing but I get a little bit of the low feeling I used to experience before during my downs. And I am reminded what that was like. God, that was like the most horrible thing ever. Not really, I'm sure there are worse things, but it was pretty bad. It is the feeling of being extremely emotionally vulnerable. Someone says something to you, or looks at you the wrong way or something, and you interpret it to mean that they hate you. And then you start thinking, God, everyone hates me, hardly anyone likes me. And rightfully so because I am just a horrible obnoxious person. I never felt this way before I took these medications.

And so I think God, what I have gone through. I have gone through a lot. I didn't even realize that I've gone through so much. Being put in a chemical state where I was emotionally vulnerable at a time when I had so much to be insecure about. It is no wonder I was so fucking suicidal. I thought I had just been being immature. I realized that I don't give myself enough credit.

And then I think about the way that Innercept is and I get so annoyed by how they prescribe prescription drugs like they are nothing. Especially antipsychotics. Now abilify is one thing, I have experience with it and I know it works quite well at pulling you out of a severe emotional funk. But then there is Geodon. I never knew emotional insecurity until I took Geodon. WORST DRUG EVER. No, actually, Seroquel is the worst drug ever. I think it is so weird that they prescribe it for depression. When I took it for a short period of time, it made me feel like absolute shit. But that's not the reason I think it's not good for depression. The reason is because I know that it makes people gain massive amounts of weight. Sure, it might work for depression, if you think that suddenly becoming really heavy is going to help your self esteem.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Weight Loss Secrets

So I've lost ten pounds recently. For some reason, I feel like I've finally figured out how to make it work. I've struggled with my weight all my life. Not that I've always been heavy, in fact I've been extremely thin before (blame the drugs). I've never had a full-on eating disorder but my attitude towards food hasn't always been healthy. I've had success dieting, only to regain the weight shortly afterward. But I feel like I got it now.

So this advice might not be advice you've never heard before, but I've noticed that most people go about it all wrong. Losing weight isn't about what you eat. Or how you exercise either, actually. Currently I go to the gym most days, but I just do a small amount of weight training and that's it. Yet, I've lost ten pounds in a little over a month. So it's not about what you eat. It's about your attitude. Don't think of yourself as being "on a diet." You only need to make minor changes to start losing weight. The slower you lose the weight, the more likely you are to keep it off. So what I decided was, I was only going to eat in the kitchen/dining room/front room where the dining table and chairs is. Not in front of the TV. This is the biggest change I made. So if I was watching TV and I wanted to eat something, I had to leave the TV to go the dining room and eat it. Rather watch TV? Then don't eat. Not only does this cut down majorly on mindless snacking when you're not all that hungry, but it keeps your living room a lot cleaner too. That's a bonus!

Maybe it also helps that I don't have a real taste for junk food. When I'm hungry I crave fresh food with veggies and protein. You've got to retrain your taste buds, you don't eat that shit for awhile you stop craving it. Also remember, excessively cutting calories will come back to bite you because it slows down your metabolism, and you can't keep it up forever eventually you'll eat more and then the pounds will come back really fast. This is what happened to me over spring break this year, I gained like five pounds even though I wasn't eating a hell of a lot because before that I had been skipping meals or eating 210 calorie protein bars in place of meals. Sure I lost weight then, but it all came back and then some. Now it's gone, though. What's most important is to have a laid-back attitude toward what you can and can not eat. Don't make certain foods off limits, but don't eat when you don't really want to. Actually, this is something I'm working on. Like I'll be eating a plate of food, and I feel obligated to clean my plate even though I don't really want all the food on it. I'm afraid of throwing out food.

So anyway, I'm actually kind of amazed at how easy it's been to lose weight now, especially since I'm not on any new drugs.

The Secret to Ultimate Happiness

Throughout my life I've been riding the roller coaster of my ever-changing weight. When I was younger I was a bit on the heavy side. The way I felt about this was the same way many women (and perhaps men too) appear to feel about their weight. If I could have only lost a few pounds, I would be perfectly happy and my life would be complete. I mean, this must be true, just go to the supermarket checkout stand and look at the magazines. It's pretty obvious that weight loss is the secret to ultimate happiness.

I lost a bunch of weight when I was fourteen (good old Adderall)  and I learned that this was untrue. I was extremely thin, and sure I felt good about being thin, but I think most of it was knowing that I had something that so many people wanted: a skinny body. But I still wasn't happy with my body. I didn't want to be a stick, I wanted to have shape. I wanted a more muscular body, but I couldn't bring myself to get around to going to the gym regularly.

The weight slowly came back throughout high school, then I gained exactly 15 pounds my freshman year of college, which led to a series of attempts to lose weight. By this time I did have the discipline to work out regularly. I was moderately successful at losing weight, but not keeping it off. At one point, after I had worked hard losing 20 pounds, they changed my meds and I gained 50 pounds. But I can always lose weight when I really want to.

Last time I lost weight, it was because of a combination of running six miles everyday and abusing cough syrup. I don't recommend drinking cough syrup as a way of losing weight because the weight doesn't stay off. I got down to 130 pounds on my 5 foot 7 frame, which is actually pretty skinny. Seriously, they talk about skinny women weighing like 105 pounds. They must be extremely short, because I was 130 and I didn't need to lose another pound.

Then the weight came back. Which brings me to my point. Right now I weight about 175 pounds, which is roughly 20 pounds overweight. And I find that I don't give a fuck. Well, honestly I would lose weight if I could and it was easy, but I'm more concerned with weight training. Because I've found that I feel better about myself feeling slightly heavy but strong than I do feeling skinny and weak. Because when you are strong physically, it makes you feel like a strong, powerful person. I feel more confident, and I walk with more confidence.

And I find it odd that there are a lot of women who fear weight training because they don't want to look manly. Honestly, I don't think there is any amount of muscle that a woman can realistically build without the use of steroids that would make her look bad. It brings to mind Britney Spears. I don't know what she looks like right now, but I've seen pictures of her in the past where she was very muscular and looked good, and I would look like that if I could. And even that is unrealistic for most people, because most people don't have a career that requires them to look hot.

In conclusion, you will be happiest if you get your self-confidence from some place other than your physical appearance.