Lost in the Details

So one day awhile ago I was watching The Big Bang Theory with my dad. In the episode we were watching, Sheldon feels betrayed by Leonard and retaliates by giving him 50 pieces of silverware. I was confused. I asked my dad what was significant about 50 pieces of silverware. My dad, who is an atheist but was forced to attend Sunday School as a kid, told me that Judas received 50 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus. I said, "I read the bible and I didn't get that. How did you know that? Why is the 50 pieces of silver so important?" My dad said that's just the sort of thing they drill into you in Sunday School, the pointless random details.

So anyway, earlier I was thinking about my previous delusions, because I was editing my book. It seems like no one who reads my book understands it. Sure a lot of people like my book, but they say things that imply they don't understand it. So I was going back and clarifying, revising the part where I explain my delusions and trying to make everything as clear as possible, explaining both the important meanings behind things and the more subtle meanings.

Some people might wonder why I am still so focused on my delusions. What I came up with when I was delusional was actually kind of amazing. It's very clever and it's an extremely powerful story, with good underlying themes and messages. My theory is that people don't understand because they get caught up in the details. I'd like to say that it's just over their heads and they don't understand because they aren't smart enough, but really I haven't done a good enough job explaining. But I am done with explaining my delusions anywhere apart from in my book.

It's kind of similar to how people are about Jesus. It's not about the miracles and supernatural details. Jesus wasn't a great man because he performed miracles. I'm not sure he did perform miracles, but I'm not debating that now, people can believe what they want to believe. People get lost in the details and forget that Jesus preached love, forgiveness, not judging others, and living a spiritual life as opposed to a material life. These are the things that are important. These are the only things that are important.

Self Diagnoses

So I've been watching my new favorite show The Big Bang Theory. Apparently there's a character on the show who has selective mutism. So I looked it up on wikipedia and I realize that's what I have. I determined this, keeping in mind that I am a hypochondriac. I even have the positive symptoms associated with it, like high intelligence, sensitivity to other's feelings, and a strong sense of right and wrong. Of course most people would probably say that they have these traits, but I feel that I know myself and my strengths and weaknesses.

Contrary to what it's like for a lot of people though it has gotten better over time. I got a little better when I entered college and I discovered that I could make conversation with people, though I still used alcohol to cope. It's gotten even better in the past 2 or 3 years. It's funny, because on the wikipedia article it says that some people talk to peers but not adults. It doesn't mention people who are the opposite. Of course, I'm an adult now, but I'm still a young adult. Here at Innercept, I see fellow residents as peers and the staff are like the adults (even though technically we are all adults). Talking to staff is like the easiest thing in the world. Seriously, I can go up to a new staff I've never talked to before and talk to them about anything and I'm not anxious at all. Talking to peers is different, I can talk to them too but I have to warm up to them, which can be a slow process. It's weird, because I can be shy as fuck but I think I'm an outgoing person at heart. I was outgoing when I was younger. It makes me wonder what the fuck happened.

But anyway, I think about this in the context of my more recent issues, or whatever the hell it was that happened back in spring break of 2006. Are these issues connected? Well, the fact that I didn't talk in school was part of my delusions, I mean it was significant in the context of my delusions. It doesn't mention there being a link between selective mutism and delusions, though I think it says something about schizophrenia but I don't have that. And as I write this, I am distracted by a sudden thought. Maybe I could talk about being a selectively mute person in my query letter. I'm not sure if this makes me more interesting or more boring.

Back to my delusions. They are the kind of thing I attribute to chemical imbalances when I forget the facts and details. Whenever I start really thinking about all the things that happened, I'm like WTF? There's got to be something seriously funny going on here. Basically, spirits.

But anyway, sometimes still what happens is someone does something that bothers me. At least, this happened once. And I got over it, and I forgave the person in my mind. But I became very conscious of what I said around the person, and when that happens it means I don't talk very much.