Shyness

So I've been thinking about how I diagnosed myself with selective mutism. I told my therapist today about it, she didn't argue but she said something like, "oh, well most people get anxious in social settings." But she wouldn't really know if I had the disorder or not. She didn't know me when I was younger.

There's something about knowing I have this disorder that makes me feel better. When I think about it, I see reasons why it could make me feel better or it could make me feel worse. The reason why it might make me feel worse is because it means I'm not unique in being so quiet, which sounds like a good thing, but let me explain. I remember back in 2006, I was at the Amen clinic where they were scanning my brain. They also do an interview to help with the diagnosis. It took a great deal of prodding because I had learned from past mistakes not to talk to doctors about certain things, but the interviewer got me to explain a little bit of my delusions, though not in great detail (come to think of it, I've never really explained them to anyone in great detail). The interviewer said there were a few grandiose things, so he asked me the question he asks everyone, which was: "Why you?" Why would this happen to you? Why are you so special? I knew why me, but I didn't answer this question. Because I'm the girl who doesn't talk. And yes, these were delusions, but as I've said before I've considered the circumstances carefully and I think there was something more than just a chemical imbalance, and so what I'm trying to say is that being unique supports my theory. Which is why I might not be happy about not being unique, but that isn't the case. Because being exceptionally quiet is by far not the only thing that makes me unique!

I don't really feel like ranting and raving about the reasons why there are spirits. Even if I did, I would just dance around the issue because if I were to actually give reasons I would be revealing book secrets. Back to the issue at hand: selective mutism. Now that I have a name to describe what I have, I see it as something more external to me and not a defect of my soul. I also realize that it can come with virtues, which I explained in a previous post.

This is weird and I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if this has anything to do with why I've been feeling seriously funny lately. I think there's more to it than that, though. If I believed in astrology, I might say that the stars have shifted and they are in my favor right now. But I don't believe in astrology.