Innercept: A Journey Back to the Womb

The thing that makes a lot of sense about Innercept is their policy on helping young adults blossom into fully functioning human beings.

So what they do is, they keep them in a house in the middle of nowhere. Lock up all the food, the medication, everything they need. They have to request everything from staff members.

Staff drives them around all day, to places like the volunteer center.

And then, magically, they learn responsibility for themselves. Instead of Innercept making the decisions they used to make for them, they are suddenly making the same decisions.

Like, don't drink that energy drink. Two cups of coffee before eleven, none after. No cigarettes. T-shirts that go right up the neckline. Don't stay out past seven. And the like.

So, as a result, I make these same decisions that Innercept always made for me. Very modest clothing. They always told me at intercept, guys respect you more if you wear modest clothing. No cleavage. No blouses that look good. I once had a shirt sent home, not because it broke the dress code. Because it looked "a little too good on me."

No energy drinks. No nicotine. No caffeine past eleven. This is how my life is now.

How am I after Innercept? Am I self-sufficient? No, now I am in the Beev and F. Meek program. Regular room searches. All supplements are confiscated. Forced druggings. Lectures on caffeine. Lectures on going out alone. Lectures on staying up too late. Lots and lots and lots of lectures.

But anyway. Through Innercept doing everything for me, it taught me responsibility. For a long period of time, they made all the right decisions for me. So now, I have given up trying to be my own person, and doing things that make me feel good. Smaller portions. Fruit between meals. Regular harsh antipsychotics. Two cups of coffee. Menial service labor positions.

And as a result, I am self-sufficient, making money by myself, enough to get by, living on my own, no relapses or issues at all since Innercept... no alcohol, drugs, marijuana, harsh solvents, anything. I am perfectly happy, morbidly obese maybe, but perfectly happy.

That's what happens when you leave Innercept. I just worry about the dark and dreary nature of life now. A dark, dreary nature life never had before the antipsychotics. But I like to think I am happy. Happy as a robot.

Or is that how it happened?

No. I don't give a shit what a fucking fucked up program tells me to do. With anyone's effort to control me, there is a backlash. I say, fuck you, mother and father. Fuck you, psychiatrists. Medical professionals. I don't trust you anymore, at all. I will trust anyone who comes along besides you who appears to give a damn about me. You don't give a damn about me. You have your own motivations for keeping me doped up and medicated. My mom just wants one daughter who turned out well. Just one. She has two. Hopefully, if she does all she does to control the younger one, the one there is hope for, with an iron grip, making all the decision for her.... she will eventually turn out okay.

This is how it goes.

So I don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't give a fuck about your sky high stress levels. "Oh, Rachel. When you go out at night, the two of us worry oh so much! Out past twelve? It's bed time! Rachel, are you dead in a ditch? Rachel, are you drunk off your ass? Rachel, are you shooting up heroine? RACHEL!!! Home by 8? That's late! Rachel! You are worrying your mom and dad! Don't live your life! We want you here at home!"

Back the fuck off. If it were up to you, my only social life would be church and the women with disabilities art work shop. I don't give a fuck that you worry, worry, worry. I am not going to live my entire life, bogged down by the fact that if I do certain healthy, normal things, my parents will worry. Back the fuck off and grow up.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Innercept. Innercept cages you in, treats you like a baby, so eventually, you end up acting like a baby. You become desperate for each other approval. Dependent on others, and their tactics backfire. It breeds criminal misconduct. And then, everyone leaves, and is sent off to prison.

This is how it goes.

Million Dollar James Randi Challenge

So I was watching this video about this guy, James Randi. I don't know much about him except he is big on debunking spiritual stuff. This guy knows a lot about things like parlor tricks and magic, and forms of trickery. So, he believes all spiritual stuff is trickery, and he debunks it.

So one of the things James Randi does in this video is, he has a whole bottle or very very large portion of homeopathic sleep pills, and he takes them. And then he's like, wow! I didn't die!

I actually thought this was kind of stupid. Now, I'm not like a firm believer in homeopathy. I really have no opinion. I don't know that it works and I don't know that it doesn't work. I have heard anecdotal stories about it working. I was told by one of my doctors that in other countries they have done scientific studies on homeopathy and they have found it to work, and that was because the scientific studies in the United States are biased. But I don't know. The naturopath gives me homeopathic remedies. I don't know that they work. I don't even really know what they are supposed to do. But I take them anyway because I am told to and it couldn't hurt. So I really have no opinion.

That said, I thought this assessment was a little unfair to homeopathy. Just because both things are used to treat insomnia, doesn't mean they work exactly the same or have all the same side effects. It's not a drug! It's energy medicine.

You treat people with psychosis with antipsychotics. Antipsychotics cause weight gain. What if someone was psychotic, but cleared it up by getting adequate sleep and a proper diet. Sleep deprivation and nutritional deficiencies could potentially cause psychosis. But then James Randi jumps in, and says, this isn't possible! His psychosis couldn't possibly be gone! He didn't gain any weight! Let me tell you, as far as I know, and maybe I don't know everything about these things, but as far as I know everyone gains weight on antipsychotics. Everyone. Every single person in the entire world would gain at least a little weight if they were put on antipsychotics.

So anyway, another thing about James Randi is that he has this million dollar challenge. He will give a million dollars to whoever proves the existence of psychic abilities. So far, no one has! I have been in discussions with people, online, where they use that as their soul argument that psychic abilities aren't real.

So I looked a little bit in to it, did a little research but not a whole lot. In order to win the million dollar challenge, James Randi has really really strict conditions under which psychics have to demonstrate their abilities. That's why psychics don't even try it.

So what I am kind of thinking is, sure, this James Randi guy may know a lot about parlor tricks. But what he doesn't seem to know a lot about is spiritual stuff in itself and the nature of that kind of thing. Psychic abilities are strange and elusive. No, they are not always very reliable, but in my opinion they do exist. So maybe, psychic abilities are real, but with the terms of the James Randi million dollar challenge, people just can't demonstrate them under those conditions.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking. That's all for now.

Lucid Dreams and Novel Ideas

So I was awake for a period of time last night. I would blame withdrawal from the benzos again but I remember it was like this before I started going off Klonopin. So, after being awake for awhile, I drank some chamomile tea, ate a banana, and moved my pillows to the opposite end of the bed and lied the opposite direction. Eventually, I fell back asleep.

I actually think one of the careers I would find most rewarding would be to be a novelist. Like, a popular novelist like J. K. Rowling or Stephen King who write books that people are obsessed with. To be able to write a story that people found so compelling would be awesome. Except, as I've said before, I can't come up with fiction worth shit while I'm awake. I come up with what I think are compelling story lines in my dreams but never remember them once awake. Except for last night. I don't know if this concept is any good or not, but I was thinking it was in my dream and I remembered a lot of it once I woke up.

So I will just talk about the whole dream. It was lucid. It started out where I was at my parent's house and I wanted to leave. My parents would follow me once I left the house but I could escape them. Running away from my parents in my dreams is an exceptionally common theme for me. Actually being able to escape is not.

I was living with this guy who was maybe in his early forties. He used me for sex but gave me a place to stay and I was okay with this. We were supposed to be having sex, but it wasn't really one of those hormonal type dreams so the sex wasn't real exciting, but the guy was naked. I saw his torso from the front and he was a little bit overweight but not by that much. Then he turned around. Attached to his back was this gigantic fetus. I found this so disturbing that I left this guy right away, despite the fact that I wasn't wearing a lot of clothing. It is common for me to walk around in public in dreams without a lot of clothing.

So my mom was after me again, and I had to escape her. I could do this by shooting straight up in the sky really high, up past layers of clouds, and then landing down somewhere on the ground completely different. I think I might have also been shooting at her with something or hitting her with a stick. I think I stayed with another guy for awhile and then had to leave.

So I shot straight up in the air again, and I was looking down at the city, deciding where to land. I decided to land in the seedy red light district part of town. I could tell it was the red light district because of all the red light radiating out from it. When I made this decision, I knew that it was probably a poor decision because I was likely in for more than I had bargained for. Cities in my dreams, real big dirty cities with crime and stuff, when they appear in my dreams, there is a strong feeling of evil associated with them, like this is where evil and the dark side of humanity dwells. And I had a sense that coming from a wealthy suburban family who loved me, I was sheltered from this side of humanity and perhaps not prepared to deal with it. But I made the decision to land there and did anyway.

The next thing you know I was woken up by policemen. I had apparently been unconscious. I had been knocked unconscious by a gang of men who had sexually assaulted me. But they had done more than just that. They had implanted a chip in me which recorded my sexual memories/sexual experiences and broadcasted them to the gang of guys somehow. Because I was some sort of prostitute or something, and I they knew I was going to have a lot of fucked up sexual experiences, and it brought them some sort of sick pleasure to see them, to be able to experience them themselves in vivid detail. Or maybe it was for them to make money somehow.

There was some sort of government operation going on regarding this and related incidents. I was placed with a group of people who had had similar experiences happen to them. But the government had to be careful what they told me because they didn't know what information the chip would broadcast to the gang of men. So I was in this elevator type thing with a bunch of other people and if I remember correctly they were mostly men, strangely enough. I don't watch a lot of comic book type movies but there was a sense of it being similar to this one movie which I don't remember what it was called where there were a group of superhuman beings with special powers. Anyway, I was informed that because of my incident, I had been given the name Thorazine. In real life, Thorazine is the name of an antipsychotic. However, it is not in the same class of drugs as the other antipsychotics I have mentioned on my blog. Those are Atypical Antipsychotics, so I guess Thorazine would be considered a typical antipsychotic. I'm not sure that's what they are called, but they are an older class of drugs. Thorazine is famous for making people do what's known as the Thorazine shuffle, where they walk like they are drugged because apparently Thorazine drugs you pretty bad. I have never taken Thorazine myself, unless that is what they gave me the night I drank too much seven years ago and was taken to the ER. They injected me with something to calm me down and later my mom told me it was some sort of antipsychotic. My friend who has taken Thorazine said that unlike the atypical antipsychotics Thorazine makes you feel good, and after I was injected with this drug at the ER I felt pretty good and nice and relaxed. Anyway, the people gave me a reason why I was named Thorazine but I don't know that it made any sense. There was a guy there name something like Lepitor. It was a name similar to Lipitor but it wasn't Lipitor. We had some sort of romantic thing going on. As this dream was progressing I was trying to commit to memory everything that was going on and I knew I wouldn't be able to. There was something going on with the elevator like it was falling or something, and I heard the sound of water really loud and I asked what that was but then I woke up because I was trying so hard to collect all this data without waking up that I woke myself up too much. That's the trouble with lucid dreams, I get so excited I wake myself up sometimes.

So anyway, that was pretty much it. It was supposed to be part of a novel in the genre of erotic sci fi or something. It was almost like the dream was purposely trying to give me an idea for writing a novel because right after the part where the police told me about the chip it was kind of like, "Remember this! This is an idea for a novel!" But I'm not really sure about this.

A Balance of Chemicals

So I have been trying to get into the ways of the exercise freak again. I worked out early in the morning most of last week and I was reminded that I actually love it, as funny as that sounds. I get up at 5:30 and walk to the gym which is really close by and do the elliptical for 30 minutes. Then, I eat something. Then I have this bad habit of buying an energy drink and drinking that, so I feel all pumped while I do weights. Last week I lost almost 5 pounds.

Trouble is the Klonopin withdrawal has prevented me from working out this week. I worked out Monday but that's it. I've been eating differently, not perfectly but differently, but that's okay because in recent times slight changes in my eating habits cause me to lose weight pretty quickly. But then, for some reason, when I go home to Oregon I don't even necessarily eat more but the weight comes back. Or maybe I do eat more and I just don't realize it.

Klonopin withdrawal has set me slightly off balance chemically. Not to the point where it would be hard to get me back, actually I am sure I will balance out by myself if I just give it time. How it feels though, I don't do the rapid cycling thing but I get a little bit of the low feeling I used to experience before during my downs. And I am reminded what that was like. God, that was like the most horrible thing ever. Not really, I'm sure there are worse things, but it was pretty bad. It is the feeling of being extremely emotionally vulnerable. Someone says something to you, or looks at you the wrong way or something, and you interpret it to mean that they hate you. And then you start thinking, God, everyone hates me, hardly anyone likes me. And rightfully so because I am just a horrible obnoxious person. I never felt this way before I took these medications.

And so I think God, what I have gone through. I have gone through a lot. I didn't even realize that I've gone through so much. Being put in a chemical state where I was emotionally vulnerable at a time when I had so much to be insecure about. It is no wonder I was so fucking suicidal. I thought I had just been being immature. I realized that I don't give myself enough credit.

And then I think about the way that Innercept is and I get so annoyed by how they prescribe prescription drugs like they are nothing. Especially antipsychotics. Now abilify is one thing, I have experience with it and I know it works quite well at pulling you out of a severe emotional funk. But then there is Geodon. I never knew emotional insecurity until I took Geodon. WORST DRUG EVER. No, actually, Seroquel is the worst drug ever. I think it is so weird that they prescribe it for depression. When I took it for a short period of time, it made me feel like absolute shit. But that's not the reason I think it's not good for depression. The reason is because I know that it makes people gain massive amounts of weight. Sure, it might work for depression, if you think that suddenly becoming really heavy is going to help your self esteem.

Anyway, that's all for now.

A Program of Pill Pushers

So here's what happens when you live at Innercept. Instead of seeing the decision to stop taking Adderall as a positive life choice, which is what it is, they see it as me being defiant. Because what these people do is, they make assumptions. Of course, one of the four agreements is to not make assumptions, but some people don't practice what they preach. They assume that one day I'm just going to go about refusing Adderall, even though that's not what I was planning. I was planning on talking to my doctor about it, and then going off gradually, even though I'm not even on that high of a dose to begin with. It's kind of a ridiculous concept, refusing Adderall.

So staff says to me, "what you write on the internet, anyone can read." Well that's nice, because that means I can say what I want to say. I think Innercept is a program of pill pushers. The decision to take drugs should be a personal choice. But here, they tell me that if I don't take my drugs, they're going to take me to the hospital and inject me with them. Yes, that's what my parents said back when I refused Geodon. They put everyone here on antipsychotics. Now, not everyone needs antipsychotics. But the doctor here is of the opinion that antipsychotics optimize the human experience and that everyone benefits from a good antipsychotic. No, that's not a quote, but that's probably what he thinks. Antipsychotics cause weight gain, diabetes, tardive (sp?) dyskinesis, and general feelings of crappiness. But you can tell by all the pharmaceutical company merchandise lying around the office and the campuses that the doctor has been bribed by the pharmaceutical companies, which is also probably why he takes so many vacations to Italy and Hawaii.

Another thing about Innercept is that they don't believe in clocks that work. At the place I live, it is eternally 4:17. If I were a stoner, which I'm not, but if I was that would drive me fucking crazy.