Potential Anger

I hate it when people act like the way you feel is mental, not chemical. My experiences have lead me to conclude time and time again that when the chemicals aren't in my favor I am incapable of thinking good thoughts or thinking positively. Sure, I can make myself think something positive, but that thought is automatically replaced by a negative thought. The chemicals in your brain color your world and your perception of the world. When I used to cycle (which I don't anymore), I would go from feeling like I was super awesome to feeling like I was absolutely worthless and pathetic and I needed to die, and then back again. It would change super fast too.

I am aware that this last paragraph makes me sound like I have a major mental illness. I have been diagnosed with a major mental illness. However, I am unconvinced. I am on these meds, these antipsychotics, and a withdrawal symptom of the meds is cycling. I used to cycle when I drank too much caffeine, which would interfere with my meds, making me go into withdrawal and cycle.

Someone gave me a pill of ecstasy once, I took it and waited and it had no effect whatsoever. I thought it must have been fake, until someone told me that ecstasy has no effect on certain people who are bipolar because they experience intense highs naturally.

Because of this, I admit it is entirely possible that I have a mental illness. But I think there is something else there too. I don't always acknowledge the existence of this other thing, I sometimes say things which would lead people to believe that I have dismissed my belief in the existence of this other thing. But I haven't. If feelings alone were proof then the existence of this other thing would not be a theory but a solid fact. Feelings aren't proof, but I still believe in the evidence.

If I didn't believe in this other thing, I would be embarrassed. But the existence of this other thing means that I shouldn't be embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed. I don't blame myself for what happened but I don't blame anyone else either. When it comes to my mental illness and the other thing, I did mostly the right thing, every step of the way. The only thing I perhaps did wrong was say things I shouldn't have said.

And inside of me, I have a lot of potential anger. Potential anger is kind of like potential energy. Right now there is no one who is really the target of this anger. But what I mean is, this is a volatile subject. And if someone were to cross the line, and the line is very easy to cross, they would be the target of a very large quantity of anger.