Kicking the Benzos

So I have decided to kick my benzodiazopine habit. See, I take Klonopin. I used to take 1 mg at night. So I told my doctor I wanted to quit, following the success of me kicking my nicotine gum addiction, so now the doctor has me down to a half a milligram.

Klonopin was something I would take not because I particularly liked it but because it altered my conscious state. I would take it for anxiety, which meant during one of my freakouts about my many issues. I am obsessive and insecure and get overly embarrassed about every single thing. Some of these things are actually embarrassing and some aren't really but I obsess anyway, because I get in these moods where I am just so god damn uncomfortable. And if I think you are judging me based on one of these things that I obsess over, you are going down on my enemies list.

Damn I hate withdrawal symptoms. Plus I realized the other day that adderall was the reason I get so god damned angry sometimes. My sister called me the other day to vent about the things she was angry about. She doesn't do drugs. It made me wonder what her excuse was.

So anyway, I would take this drugs when I was anxious, but by the time they took effect I had usually calmed down. Obviously, because the drugs make you calm. But you know I mean before they take effect.

Then I started taking Klonopin every single day. And it started to feel kind of nice. And then before you know it, I was a benzo addict.

But I thought this was going to be easy, just a minor adjustment to not getting that calm feeling every single night. But now I can't sleep. Or sometimes I sleep better.

I wake up all thoughty and thinking all strangely and funnily about things. I roll around and roll onto the floor with my pillow and lie on the floor. I wander around my apartment. Last night I realized that the common thread between the two nights I couldn't sleep on klonopin withdrawal was that I hadn't drank a lot of caffeine in the afternoon. So I had a few sips of coffee last night. I got tired. Then awake. I had several gulps of coffee. I became even more awake.

I feel all funny sometimes. Sometimes I feel a spiritual vibration.

But that might be the spirits.

[Abrupt Ending]

A Program of Pill Pushers

So here's what happens when you live at Innercept. Instead of seeing the decision to stop taking Adderall as a positive life choice, which is what it is, they see it as me being defiant. Because what these people do is, they make assumptions. Of course, one of the four agreements is to not make assumptions, but some people don't practice what they preach. They assume that one day I'm just going to go about refusing Adderall, even though that's not what I was planning. I was planning on talking to my doctor about it, and then going off gradually, even though I'm not even on that high of a dose to begin with. It's kind of a ridiculous concept, refusing Adderall.

So staff says to me, "what you write on the internet, anyone can read." Well that's nice, because that means I can say what I want to say. I think Innercept is a program of pill pushers. The decision to take drugs should be a personal choice. But here, they tell me that if I don't take my drugs, they're going to take me to the hospital and inject me with them. Yes, that's what my parents said back when I refused Geodon. They put everyone here on antipsychotics. Now, not everyone needs antipsychotics. But the doctor here is of the opinion that antipsychotics optimize the human experience and that everyone benefits from a good antipsychotic. No, that's not a quote, but that's probably what he thinks. Antipsychotics cause weight gain, diabetes, tardive (sp?) dyskinesis, and general feelings of crappiness. But you can tell by all the pharmaceutical company merchandise lying around the office and the campuses that the doctor has been bribed by the pharmaceutical companies, which is also probably why he takes so many vacations to Italy and Hawaii.

Another thing about Innercept is that they don't believe in clocks that work. At the place I live, it is eternally 4:17. If I were a stoner, which I'm not, but if I was that would drive me fucking crazy.