The Coming of the Future

So it started at the end of last year on my birthday. I just started feeling... funny. A good kind of funny. Like good things were on the horizon for me.

My sister and I talked about how when we were younger we both felt that we would grow up to be famous. I had a sense of being the kind of person who would be of great interest to other people. And I felt special in a good way. When I got a little older, I felt like maybe I was different in a bad way, because I was so quiet, and I felt kind of dead inside. But when I became delusional, something inside me awakened and I felt alive like never before. And so it was believable to me that I was Jesus, because I had this feeling of being special in a Jesus-like way. It wasn't that I thought I was really great though, this is kind of hard to explain. I thought the feeling went away when I became undelusional, but then I realized that it didn't really. The feeling never goes away. I wonder if all delusional people who believe they are Jesus feel this way.

But anyway, I thought that if my sister and I were to become famous it would start with me and my book. Then earlier this year, for the first time, my sister, who is more psychic than I am, said that she knew that this is how it was going to happen. So I believed that this feeling I was getting was real. And one thing I've learned is that when you have a funny feeling about something, the less you doubt it the more real it becomes.

So I felt the change inside of me, and it influenced what was interesting to me. At its strongest, I had no interest in anything that didn't have to do with the publication of my book. I went to Hastings, and the only thing I was interested in was books about getting published. I wrote query letters, many different query letters, sent them off, got lots of form rejections. I got frustrated. I sent one last query letter (for the time being), lost interest in query letters and decided I would start out by getting published in a magazine and I would hope that it would lead to a book deal. I felt quite certain that I would succeed at this game, but I no longer felt that strong drive to act, act, act. Innercept took away my computer. I figured I would resume my efforts when I got to aftercare.

I finally heard back from the last agent, after an unusually long wait, and it was request for my manuscript. I was happy and I sent it off, but I no longer felt that strong drive, that funny high that made me believe that good things were on the horizon, though I definitely still believed that good things were on the horizon, but the feeling went dormant.

Right now I'm still waiting for a reply. And I keep telling Caitlin I feel the coming of the future. And now, I'm starting to feel that high again. Will I get an offer for representation? I can't say now because only time will tell. But that's kind of why I think I feel this way, because something good is about to happen.

The future is coming, and I feel the urge to prepare. I chose classes for the fall that will help me prepare. I feel that I am doing this because I know that something is going to happen.