Bending the Mind

So I have to go to the Innercept classroom to study on Tuesdays. There is always a daily quote on the board. One Tuesday not too long ago it was something along the lines of: "once your mind has been stretched, it never regains it's original form." I was with one of my mentors, and I pointed to it and proclaimed that this was a very true statement.

Yes, it is a very true statement. My mom one time told me she didn't know why I was still so obsessed with my experiences being delusional. She compared it to the time my grandpa once saw wild turkeys on the side of the road. One time, when my mom's father was still alive, we were driving in the country and there were wild turkeys on the side of the road. Big deal. At least, my sister and I didn't understand why it was such a big deal, and no one explained to me why it was a big deal. But my grandpa kept bringing it up later, like it was such a big event. My sister and I mentioned something about it to my mom, how we kept having to hear about the stupid wild turkeys and who cares about wild turkeys. So anyway, my mom was saying that me being obsessed with my experiences was like my grandpa going on about the wild turkeys.

This is not how it is with me. Sure I was delusional, and my delusions were false (which is implied by the first statement because I said they were delusions). You can come back down from being delusional, you can go undelusional, but there's no returning to the original shape that your brain was in before it thought that you were God and you created the universe and all these big events happened because of you and all this freaking amazing stuff. And when I was delusional, an idea was implanted in my mind that hasn't gone away. I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, sometimes I think I repeat myself and talk in circles. But anyway, the idea was that God foresees a natural disaster and he's in a pickle because any prophet is going to be seen as delusional. I'm not saying I'm a prophet or anything, I'm just saying that this is an idea that never goes away. And at night, I continue to be haunted by those dreams. This is where I leave some of you in suspense because I didn't say what dreams, but certain people will know what I'm talking about.

Secretly (not anymore) I wonder what's going to happen. Because I was never convinced it was just a mental illness, and the spirits are urging me to work on getting my book published. Do other authors experience this? But, there are certain things you've got to do. Like take the meds. Take prns when you feel funny and learn from the past. I entertain strange ideas sometimes but I always return to believing just mostly (MOSTLY!) what I know for a fact to be true. Mostly...

On Delusions and Being a Prophet

Delusions. Some people might wonder how people can believe them while still being functional human beings, like I was at one time. I don’t wonder, because I understand.

There are some things that I lived and I still don’t understand, like things I’ve done or believed and I can’t tell you now what I was thinking. No, actually I can tell you what I was thinking, but I can’t tell you why I was thinking it, because it was so crazy. But my delusions weren’t crazy. Different, yes. And sure, they sound crazy if you say them out loud. But when I became delusional, I developed a deep understanding of this situation. Here we get into book territory, this is not an excerpt but I am commenting on stuff from my book.

I had no religious background before I became delusional, in fact I was an atheist. But when I became delusional, I learned that God created the universe, and life on planet Earth. Then He sent prophets and whatnot to set up religion, and the idea is that the bible is supposed to be the word of God, or it was originally. Let me clarify that this is what I believed when I was delusional and not what I believe now. But then God noticed something. Whenever He spoke up, it seemed to cause more harm then good. So He stopped talking. And for years and years, He said nothing.

Well that’s all fine and good, except then He realized there was a problem: the world was going to be destroyed by the impending disaster of global warming. What to do? He’s been silent so long, how does He break the silence? That’s where I, Rachel, comes in, with my magical livejournal.

Keep in mind that I am being vague and keeping things short as to not give away very much from my book, this whole thing is actually pretty complicated. I wrote an entire book about it, and I was told that publishers might shy away from publishing a memoir as long as mine, me being a non-celebrity and all (at least I’m not a celebrity yet). This whole thing unfolded in a pretty convincing way, and I has some pretty intense experiences that are way beyond anything I’ve experienced on drugs. Keep in mind though, my drug experience is minimal, particularly with the hallucinogenic class of drugs. I should also mention that I was doing no recreational drugs whatsoever when this started, not even alcohol for six weeks prior to the onset of my delusions.

Being a prophet wasn’t something I accepted with open arms. I went through a phase of denial. But deep down I knew that this is what it meant, and I got used to the idea and accepted it. And when you learn you’re prophet, and that you are on a divine mission to save the world, it’s the kind of thing that affects you. It’s like something bigger than you ever dreamed was even possible has happened to you. I’m trying to think of a way to describe how deeply this changes you, but I am at a loss. I can’t think of a suitable description, because really it is beyond description.

So suddenly, you’re living in another universe where everything looks the same but nothing is the same. The thing is, everyone else is still living back in that other universe where you were before. If only I could open up my soul and show people what this is like!

My parents took me to a clinic where they did a brain scan (that’s the thing that’s even more infuriating than no one understanding, everything thinks you’ve lost your mind). And the people at the clinic are used to dealing with delusional people, and they asked me the same question they ask everyone who’s delusional, like this question is going to somehow show me that my delusions are false: Why you?

Well, I had a reason, and there was a lot of stuff going through my head, none of which I said out loud. Why NOT me? It makes sense. I am just that different.

Because, here’s the thing: it’s got to be somebody. So why not me? Whoever it has to be, that person has got to face the issues that come with the territory: people will think they’re crazy. But one of the things that happens when you accept that you are a prophet and that you are on a divine mission is that you find strength inside you. You find the strength to get through the obstacles that this divine mission throws at you, and it’s so fucking hard when everyone labels you as delusional and mentally ill and you don’t believe it one bit, but you’ve got to accept that people will think what they will think and you’ve got to hold your head up and hold onto the belief that in the end things will turn out for the better.

But it’s all over now. The thing is though, it’s never over. I’m not delusional now but this thing that started back in spring break of 2006 is far from over and may never be over. There are some people in this world who I have reason to believe know about me and my issue, and who I have reason to believe think negative things about me because of it (I’m purposely being vague). It upset me at first and made me suicidal (which might not be saying a lot because I get suicidal at the drop of a hat), but I’ve worked through it since then. It’s funny because I feel confident that I’m right but at the same time I am horribly insecure about what other people would think. Sometimes people do the smallest things that are almost harmless in themselves but are indicative of something not harmless. I didn’t choose this, it chose me, I did nothing to bring this on. It tore my life inside out, I have had to go through so much because of this and to this day I am living at a treatment center because of this. I have gone through quite a few ups but a great deal more downs. This isn’t some sort of joke, I don’t know if it seems like it but it’s not. And I’m purposely being vague so people won’t know what I’m talking about, because it is something I’m very angry about and want to vent about but at the same time I don’t want people to know about it. Urrgh.

Being delusional can be a mixed blessing. It’s like I said on my livejournal, “if this is just a mental illness, I reccomend mental illness!” Yeah it’s hard, but I would like to say that you haven’t truly lived until you’ve experienced that defining moment when you learn that you are a prophet on a divine mission. And you’ve spent nearly two years believing it. So if you are making a list of things to do before you die, there’s a good one for you.