I was living my life in fear, fear of the reprisal of not being on the full dose of invega. My concentration was good, my ability to channel was good, my body was in shape... But I was not fit to hold on a steady, long, drawn out conversation with either of my parents. Then, something bad happened. I learned of a girl in my high school class. She liked me, but didn't like something about me. One of my facebook posts. She said, “What are you thinking? Posting this crap on facebook.” She didn't write this on facebook. I got this from one of the readings.
I was mad as hell. So I decided, I would go through and ask everyone, how do they feel about me?
One guy said he liked me, but then when I asked, how does he feel about me? He shrugged. I wondered about this.
Another guy said he was happy not being my friend in real life. However, he liked to read my posts.
Another guy said, we are not friends in person? Why? This was Chance.
Another day, I woke up early, before the sleep meds had worn off. I went eagerly into my annex to channel, channel, channel! When I got there to start, my meds were still working. The readings were warped beyond belief.
When I became enamored by Adam, I decided, to hell with Melvin. So, I checked up on Adam often, and thought about writing him, but not seriously. I wanted to see, what would happen? Would he talk to me? Would he even want to talk to me? I knew he was enamored by me, but what was the real reason he had decided now was a good time to write on one of my posts?
I got a new, spiffy idea.... Ask famous people questions!
The first one I checked was Eminem. “If you knew me, would you like me?”
“No, not really.” Hmm. I was upset about this, more than I thought I would be.
I asked Bill O'Reilly, my favorite news commentator. “If you knew me, would you like me?”
I got a really, really strong laugh and hearty nod. Excellent!
I tried Danny Elfman. He thought about it and said maybe.
I tried President Obama. I got a smile and nod.
I tried George W. Bush. I got a good nod.
Yes! I was happy about this. I loved George W. Bush. Not as a president, he was no good at that... but as a person.
Still, I was upset that Eminem wouldn't like me.
Then I got a new idea. Could I do dead people?
There was a guy on my friends list on facebook, Joe, who had committed suicide last year. I located his picture, and asked him how he was. I got this electrocuted sort of energy. I didn't understand what this meant.
I had heard something about how people who commit suicide don't always cross over. I decided to try someone else. Sylvia Browne had died recently. I located her picture, and asked her how she was. I got a bubbly giggle.
I wondered if Joe had crossed over. I was worried. I told my friend who knew him to have a psychic help him cross over. But later, I decided to just try it myself. I had heard a psychic on the radio do it once and it was easy, I could at least give it a shot.
“Look up.” I shot this message at the picture.
“Go into the light.” I shot this message at the picture.
I asked his picture how he was, and he was doing better!
I was in tears, practically, I felt so good about myself. I had saved someone from something that was the equivalent of hell! I had done my good deed for today.
I was having a wonderful time, the time of my life. I went on a car ride, to the outlet mall. On the way, I listened to the song Mary, by Oingo Boingo. It was a great song. As I listened, I got into the music, and I suddenly felt this tremendous release, and tingles all over my body.
What it was was, the release of built up negativity, from years at Innercept. Of anger, frustration, lack of empathy, everything... All going down the drain. This was a necessary precursor to enlightenment.
It kept happening over and over again. Release after release. Not orgasmic at all, energetic. It felt really, really good.
At the outlet mall, I tried on a shirt that was too small, and got caught in it. Outside, I heard a song I associated with Chance. Later on, at Old Navy, I heard the song from the Swiffer commercial, which Melvin and I had joked about.
At Old Navy, I got an idea. I had asked Eminem if he liked me. He had said no. Was that really that surprising? Eminem didn't like a lot of people. Maybe, that wasn't the right question at all. Maybe, I should have asked him, would he respect me?
When I got back home, I rushed upstairs to ask this question. I located a picture of Eminem, drew the energy back in my head, and shot it at his picture, while asking, “Would you respect me?”
I got an intense response. “WOAH yeah!”
I asked quite a few famous people if they would like me or not. Most everyone said they would. Miley Cyrus was one of the people who would like me the most.
I learned why Adam had a crush on me. He loved my posts about philosophy. I asked him, does he like my philosphical side? I got a nod, and then some sexual energy in the crotch region. I asked him, how would he feel if he knew I completed the chromosome song in my head in the 7th grade? I got a giggle, and some sexual energy.
I was listening to Eminem on my iPhone constantly. White America. This was my favorite Eminem song. I had to keep listening to that song.
Unlike with previous super special fun experiences, I listened to more than one song. In the past, I always listened to one song on repeat. Now, I was switching it up. At the beginning of the song White America, Eminem exclaims “America!” I knew it was time to listen to that song when I heard the word “America!” repeat in my mind. I would start muttering it unconsciously under my breath. It was much like with lasagna pan, where I would hear it subconsciously without being consciously aware of it. I had made a conscious decision to listen to the song White America every time the word America repeated in my mind. As I was getting food out of the fridge, I began muttering America under my breath. I became consciously aware of it, and ran upstairs to listen to the song.
Later, it happened again in my parent's bedroom.
“AMERICA!!!!” I exclaimed at the top of my lungs.
What else to ask? Well, I decided to try asking more personal questions.
“Do you think about me when you masturbate?” I asked Melvin's picture, somewhat reluctantly. I didn't really think he would, but hey, with this kind of access to information... I might as well ask whatever, right? Just to see what happens?
I got an angry, angry reaction. Tons of angry energy directed at me. Then the anger went away. He thought about it, and said, “No, not really.”
I was wondering about this. Could the people I was asking questions of, know what questions I was asking? Were they in anyway aware of it? Because of this question, I refrained from asking certain questions.
I decided to do a little experiment with Erik. I told his picture something, then I asked Erik if he could tell me what it was.
After I did so, he immediately made a dumb joke that was completely relevant to the secret I told him.
“Woah! It does go through! Good thing I didn't tell people everything!”
I decided to ask Eminem some more questions. I asked his picture how he felt about Kim. First, I got a laugh, as if in response to the question. Then, I started shaking my head and saying, “No, no, no, no...” with increasing seriousness.
I asked Eminem how he felt about his mom. Again, another laugh. Then I said, “You know, I don't really like her, but... That's what TV tells you.” I took that to mean he still had familial connections to his mom, which made it hard to fully hate her. His feelings were complicated and mixed. Sure, he hated her as a person, but he still had instinctual family connections.
I tried something else. Channeling my spirit guide, Meg, the one who had come to me in a dream while I was living at Innercept. I concentrated on the feeling of her I had gotten from a dream, then asked her, “How am I doing?” I got a vigorous two thumbs up.
Still, I needed confirmation. I decided to ask my friend from the writer's conference. I wrote him, telling him about my ability, and how I didn't know if it was real or not, but I thought it was... He wrote back a long, drawn out response about self-deception, but just for the hell of it he let me try it out on him. Now, he was asking me to tell him what's been on his mind a lot lately... I asked his picture, and I immediately said, “the army.” I tried again, “the navy.” So, perhaps it was the military? I wrote a response, asking if it was the military.
The response I got from the picture was hard to read... But later, I asked his picture again if it was the military, and I got a hearty yes. Okay, so this was my proof right here. This would make or break whether or not I believed in the picture trick. I would check to see what he said tomorrow.
However, tomorrow, I didn't feel like it... I was too worried. So I kept putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off.
So, that was it. That was the picture trick. What other cool things went on inside my mind around this time? Fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. Of Adam, of Melvin... That was it. Then, something wonderful happened in my mind. I started to rid myself of past negative feelings, and get past evil ideas of myself.
When I woke up one morning, I was beyond famished. When I went downstairs, I bumped into my mother. She asked me, would you like to see a movie today? I told her, no thank you, I am too in my own head to see a movie. She took this the wrong way. She thought I was in for a meltdown.
When I went to the gym, I tried doing all my exercises. I got distracted in the middle of yoga class. Picture trick, picture trick, picture trick. I needed to do some more readings. Readings, readings, readings. Then, I was walking out the door, when I thought of a beautiful idea. Maybe, I should write some statuses on facebook.
I used to think, dreams are like real life, just a little more temporary. You don't want to piss off the people in your dreams. You have to live with them for the rest of the dream. And you never know how long that might be.
Some people seem to think things that are weird are bad. Like, things that are too outside the ordinary. Like they always want everything to be ordinary. Like they never want to change. I am naturally drawn to things that are weird. Completely off the wall things appeal to me. It excites me on a very deep level.
The thing about people is, you can't just tell people something they aren't ready for, because they are resistant to change. You tell them something they aren't ready for,they say, “That's too different. BAHH!!! NEW THINGS!!! WEIRD!! WEIRD!!!
I got a new idea. What if, instead of asking the pictures questions, I could tell the pictures what to do?
I opened a picture of Adam. I told him, in an authoritative way, “You are in love with Rachel.” The response I got was interesting. A shocked expression, then a dumb nod of gentle submission.
I started commanding my mother's picture, over and over again. “Rachel needs less medication. Rachel does not need so much medication. Rachel is on too much medication.” Then I realized how this might backfire. The Adderall. I still wanted to be on that! So, I went back, and started commanding her picture again. “Rachel needs to be on Adderall. Adderall helps Rachel.” Each time I did so, I got a submissive facial expression.
One night, I had been acting up severely. After giving me my normal night meds, my dad suggested, maybe we should give Rachel an Ativan. My mom paused, looked a bit startled, and said, “I don't think Rachel needs any more medication.”
I was taken aback by this. Huh. So it worked. Normally, my mom wouldn't have objected to giving me an Ativan since I had been doing a little bit of screaming and eccentric behavior. But she did, and it was because of the work I had been doing in my room.
I knew what was going on. I could feel it. We lived in a house of misery. My mom was just barely hanging on, but yet, so close. She was also close to enlightenment. This was one of those random ideas I got, with no verification whatsoever.
Ever since I had gotten confirmation that the command thing worked, I had been telling my mom and dad's pictures, “Rachel is the messiah. Rachel is Jesus. Do whatever Rachel says. Rachel's quirks are a positive trait.” Over and over and over again. At this point, I didn't actually believe I was Jesus.
I realized something. Something like a command, with emotional connotations that they could either agree with or disagree with, would be harder to get across. What would be easier to get across would just be something like a single word, like dog.
I had a brilliant idea. I pictured it in my head. First, I go into my computer room, and ping my mom's picture repeatedly with the word “dog.” Then, I go downstairs, plaster the downstairs with signs, all sorts of different signs that say “dog.” Then I wear a funny outfit, makeup on one side of the face, pink cheeks, pigtails... And when my mom comes downstairs the next morning, I taunt her with the word, “Dog.” I hold up a sign that says dog, and chant, “Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog!” rhythmically and mindlessly, in her face, to try to pull the word “Dog” out of her subconscious. When she feels the feeling of it creeping up from her subconscious to her conscious, she will know, and she would have reached enlightenment... and the two of us would fall over in psychadelic ecstacy.
While doing this, I would listen to the Nicky Minaj song Starships, because this song had the same energy as spiritual awakening.
Even without the pinging, the dog thing was funny in itself. So lighthearted. I imagined I could hold a dog postcard instead of a sign, and chant, “My friend Sally had a DOG! My friend Sally had a DOG!” On the stairs, I could leave an invitation to the dog ball, complete with a paw print.
This whole dog idea left me with an interesting feeling, a very high energy, high vibration, fun feeling. A feeling that radiated through my tongue, with a feeling of pizzazz. I imagined myself doing the dog thing, wearing a jester hat.
I told my sister on IM, Beev is close. She is close to enlightenment. She is on the verge, just like me. And it gave me a sense of unity and oneness with her, to think that we were both on the verge of enlightenment. This dog thing, this wasn't something I was doing to her. This was something we were doing together. Sure, it would freak her out, but as I said doooggg.... one last time, at the right rhythm, at the right pacing, it would come through, up her subconscious, and she would achieve a state of enlightenment. And we would hug, and cry, and we would become close as human beings, both achieving enlightenment together... so far apart on the surface, so close on a much deeper level.
Meanwhile, I kept shooting commands at people's pictures. I did it the Adam again. “You are in love with Rachel.” When I asked him how he felt about me, I got a mesmerized laugh. I did it to Melvin. Then I thought, what the hell. Why not? And I did it to Chris too. I imagined the three of them, fighting over me. However, when I told Chris he was in love with me, I got back such pure, innocent energy that I felt bad about it. He was a young soul. What was I doing? So, not knowing what else to do, I gave him some words of advice. “Stay strong! You are in more pain the more you resist!” Later, I noticed that he didn't latch on to the idea that he was in love with me. I figured it was because he was a young soul. Young souls are not as easily suggestible. Older souls are more easily suggestible, sort of like how I was susceptible to brainwashing.
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