Help Like Jesus" Part 30

What is that girl doing? Said a spirit above my head.

Watch her, watch her, said the other.

The spirits can talk to each other too.

Let the spirits be, Salioness. Do not talk to them. They are bad to talk to, it encourages them. We are going to do some more energy work on Melvin. Make another bad cord from him to the girl he likes right now. Him, her, spiders... there you go!

Now, another cord to make him think she's creepy. Who is creepy in your life?

That one guy from Innercept, Josh.

Okay, let's do it! Him, her, Josh.... there you go!

Now we are done. Work out less, eat more! My guides instructed me. Then we walked to the energy drink store to buy an energy drink. On the way home, a spirit stopped and asked me where she could find the bathroom. I told her to look inside a trash can.

We walked home. At home, it was time to add more monacle cleaners to my toothbrush holder.

I heard a whisper behind me. From amongst the swaying spirits, came one forward.

There's another tarot reading for you. It's us. The spirits. We have a tarot reading for you and Adam.

No, it's us... the connection was jarbled.

I thumbed through the deck of tarot cards.

That's not the one, that's not the one, that's not the one... there, this one.

Ace of pentacles. Look it up.

Not manifestation, not prosperity... keep looking, take your time.

There. That one. Beginnings. It's about beginnings. This card is about beginnings. We think you should be with him.

That was the spirits. They have an opinion on this matter. They want you to be with Adam. Don't do any more tarot readings with the spirits, my guides told me.

Later, the spirits wanted to do another tarot reading with me.

I spoke in hushed voice. Yes we do. One for why you should not be with Chance.

Not this one, not this one... here, this one.

High priestess reversed.

Yes, reversed is right. Look it up.

There... Hidden agendas. He has hidden agendas.

I asked the spirits, how do you know the tarot cards?

We don't know the cards mean but we know people. We know the cards. We don't know what they mean but we know what they look like and what they are.

Well, the spirits have made themselves clear. They are on Team Adam. Why don't you cross that one over?

We walked to the gas station to buy energy drinks. When we got a few, we bought them. When we got back, it was time to talk to God.

After grappling around in the dark for a little bit, trying to secure a connection, I located God.

Hello, Rachel. I have some things to tell you. First off, I lied. I hate your mom, very very much. We hate her, all of us do. She is a whiny bitch. Also, I actually like Brandon quite a bit. He's a good guy. There is something I need to advise you on. You need supplements, stat! They will help with your ability to concentrate. Your guides will help you choose the right ones, I have already told them. Also, there are some people I want you to be friends with for the guardianship trial.

At this point, I lost the connection. I switched over to channeling my guides. We know who he was talking about. Try A, in your friends list. No, none of those. Try C. Not it either. Try K. Nope, not that either.

I was searching alphabetically for the friend he was talking about, through my friends list.

We don't know. Try asking him directly.

I got back in contact with God, after a bunch of grappling.

I told them the wrong friend. I wanted to tell you directly.

Ooohh! I said. I thought this was funny, and it made me sexually attracted to God.

There there, calm down. Here he is. He is a good friend for you. Meet him for lunch, and talk spiritual matters. Another thing. I know you are going through puberty again, but no more sexual energy, okay?

Okay, God!

And we ceased talking. After I stopped talking to God, my guides told me a joke God made while we were talking, when I was aroused by him.

“She's mindlessly aroused.”

I thought this was funny too. He was referring to the fact that I was going through puberty so my hormones were raging.

We went to the computer to find the specific supplements I needed. Bladderwhack, for one. The other one was pine bark extract. On a different day, we went to Whole Foods and picked them up, secretly. If my parents knew I was buying supplements without a doctor's permission, they would flip.

I took some, and waited for my concentration to get better.

Another night, my mom was giving me my meds when she mentioned that she found a receipt in my room for some really unsettling supplements. She wanted to know where they were. I told her there was some sort of mistake, there were no supplements. I was worried, mad as hell, and embarrassed, a little bit, that she had caught me buying supplements based on my spirit guide's advice. I wasn't embarrassed that I had done it, just that she would know about it. But she didn't know that.

I was upset, and stressed out over several days. My guides told me they were going to do something, put me in a light haze, to help me better deal with this stress. Later, they decided against it, it wasn't as bad as they thought.

As I lay on my bed, I remembered a dream I had a long time ago. It was about my best friend, Debi, after we moved. I saw a news story in my dream where there was a conflict in her classroom. One girl balanced herself on her hands between desks, and kicked another girl viciously in the butt with her legs.

That image stuck in my head. The girl being kicked in the butt. Very, very vividly.

That's an attack! You are under attack! Do some spells!

The image of the attack stuck in my mind because at the same time, I was under attack.

Okay... Seven, ten, one, three.... Three, eight, nine, two... One, seven, one, nine... I did this for a long, long time, doing spells to protect against the attack. I was scared out of my mind, until after awhile, I asked what this spell I was protecting against was going to do.

Well, it won't affect you any, but it would harm your parents....

Immediately, I felt relief, and indifference. I didn't give a flying fuck about my parents.

Do it anyway, please. It's a vicious spell. You don't like them, we don't like them... But they don't deserve this. This is a spell to make everyone in the entire world hate them. It's a powerful spell.

I continued doing spells until they said it was done. Right after I finished, a spirit said to me, “Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear!”

Damn spirit. Trying to feed into my insecurities about being delusional.

I talked to God about it the next day. Not the spells, the supplement receipt. He said he was testing my naturopath. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, he was in God's favor because he trusts me.

Chapter

Well, Salioness, time for energy work!

I lay down on my bed.

Now, imagine two lines intersecting. Move them around to make way for another loop. Move the loop in a circle and make it piffy. Now, eat it!

Now, work on this name calling thing. You and Melvin are friends on the spiritual plane, but not friends in real life. Make way for that to change! Do this with his fantasy land ideas!

We created a circle, and cut it in half. Then, we ate something together in our minds. Then, we drank water and made fun of each other.

Okay, it's time to do some energy work on you. Now, this is really important. We will tell you what to do. Now, sit here. We are starting.

I could feel the tension in the air. As I sat, I talked to my guides about things of little importance. While I talked, I could not make the sound of R's, or N's, or M's. They were no-no sounds. Bad practice.

Eat a banana. Not a real banana, an imaginary banana. Now, smoke a cigarette. An imaginary cigarette. Now, eat a robot child. This is the robot child you wanted to have but never needed in your life. Eat him.

I did all three of these things, for energy purposes.

Okay, we are done. Go downstairs, and we will tell you who to think about, as we do energy work on them.

I went downstairs, lay on the couch, and thought about various people in my life, as they did energy work.

Then, it was time to go get a soda. I walked to the store. On the way, I heard a gun caulking sound.

What's that? I asked.

Oh, boy. Not a good thing. It's the spirits that infested the Columbine shooters. Not the Columbine shooters themselves, the spirits that lead them to commit such atrocities.

What do I do?

A couple spells. Now. Whenever someone commits and atrocity, usually they have spirits that make them do it. It is not just the spirit's fault, they have control of their own actions, and it is usually bad people who have these kind of spirits. Not you, of course, they are attracted to you because you are a mad light of steel.

Were the shooters of Columbine all bad souls? I asked this, because I knew that sometimes good people could manifest poorly on the Earth plane.

Yes, they were. Not as much as some souls, but more than most.

As I was walking back, I was passing through the bushes.

“You shall not pass!” the bushes said to me.

How dumb. We hate that about this plane. Dumb shit happens like the bushes talk to you. Don't put that in your book, it was too dumb.

I went home, and started cooking dinner. I turned on South Park and started watching. Up with the spirits, they were having, not a party, but a shindig with the energy of a fundraiser. I heard spirits talking. One of them was joking around. “How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one, Thomas Edison. And it's true too! Funny and true!”

I asked why they were making fun of that joke from the Simpson's, which was merely okay.

That is the funniest joke on the Simpsons, Salioness. It is spirit humor. We love that joke in the spirit world. It is famous. There are other jokes that are good from the Simpsons, but not as good as that one.

Chapter

My spirit guides were trying to get me to stop playing mahjongg. It was horrible death hole of a game that killed time and put me in a bad mood. I went downstairs, exasperated. Sitting on the chair in my office, I heard the word “amphetamine” softly in my ear.

Who are you?

Amphetamine.

What do you have to say?

I like you more than you like me.

Why do you like me?

I like something you did today.

What did I do?

Something upstairs on your computer.

Mahjongg?

Yes. I like how you did something mindless and stupid.

There's another thing I like that you do.

What's that?

Something on the computer.

After trying to figure out what it was for awhile, my spirit guides finally tell me. When I use alternate profiles to look at people's friends page, to see where I am on the list, to try to figure out if they are looking at my profile.

Yes, that's what it is. I like that because it's deluded.

Another thing I like that you do.

Play with my hair?

No, I like that, but that's not it. On your computer. In iTunes. Obsessing over the playcounts of songs you have. That's an excellent amphetamine activity.

Let me show you some amphetamine songs I like. Here's one. Porcupine Tree, fear of a blank planet. Another one, Giving it All Away, Ashlee Simpson. Another one. Comfortably numb, by Pink Floyd. Another one. U2, Mysterious Ways.

Why is that an amphetamine song?

I'll show you, look at the lyrics.

I look at the lyrics, and it shows me the line it likes:

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was California girls by Katy Perry, because of the lyric “I won't play, I love the bay.” Because it represented being content just where you are and never wanting to go anywhere else in the world.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was “So What?” by pink, because of the attitude of being content and not caring what anyone else thinks.

Another song the spirit of amphetamine liked was “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen. Because of the reference to the color red.

Another song, Cleaning out my closet, Eminem...

The line “I bet you're probably sick of me now, ain't you momma?”

Because Eminem's mom tried to get him to take drugs and he didn't want to. I like that. I don't think anyone should be on amphetamines.

But I thought you liked amphetamines?

I do but...

The spirit of amphetamines left, as I pointed out a paradox it couldn't handle.

That was an interesting one. Why did it talk so long?

The spirit of amphetamines has move energy than most spirits, because people give it more energy. There is a lot of amphetamine abuse in the world, and that bolsters the spirit's strength.