Help Like Jesus: Part 10

When I woke up, my guides told me I was a girl of wondrous beauty. Please, put on some makeup. Do your hair. Eat breakfast. We will tell you what to eat. Greek yogurt, a Zone bar, and watermelon. Another thing you need to do is, pretend you are not talking to anyone when you are talking to us.

You are in desperate need of apple juice, Rachel. Get some money from your mom. Walk to Trader Joe's. Buy apple juice.

As we walked, they told me, Rachel, go buy an energy drink on the way. Not the one you are used to. The other diet Rockstar.

Drink up! Drink apple juice! This is important! You are a girl of wondrous love of the planet, recycle the bottle!

Okay, what can you do to tell us what we are doing with you, Rachel? We are helping you out of your current situation. This is a bad situation, you, living with your parents, the medication, the doctors, everything. We will get you out of your current living situation, into a situation that is more fitting for a twenty-seven year old woman.

When you wake up each morning, do not go into the kitchen and eat whatever you feel like. Ask us for our opinion. We will tell you what your body needs. When you go to the store, listen to the song we tell you to listen to. Right now, we want you to listen to Far East Movement, Like a G6. Time to go to the Quickee Mart. Yes! Mac's Deli!

I walked, and listened to the song they told me to listen to. When the song was up, they told me what song to listen to afterward.

When we got there, they gave me an ultimatum. Drink cough syrup, or drink alcohol.

Your body is in turmoil from lack of Adderall. You need to do something to distract. Alcohol is a little healthier, cough syrup is more fun. Up to you.

Hmm. Easy choice. Cough syrup. I bought the bottle, went into the bathroom, tried to open it, failed, took it home and drank it in the bathroom of my house.

I waited, and went out with my mom for the day. While I was walking, my guides did work on me. They put a shield over my head, to shield me from the negative entities which would eat me alive in this spiritual state, without the idea in my mind that they were my friends, I would have not understood what was going to happen to me. I believed they were good, I believed they were helpful, I believed everything would be okay now that the spirit guides were here.

I wanted to understand why they kept telling me no, it's not that, and then yes, we were joking. I thought it was a lame ass joke. Just tell me straight up what you need me to do. But they said, it was for the sake of helping me realize that they were people too, not just robots telling me what to do. Sometimes, they would say, no, not that, no we are not joking. Then they would say, no we're not serious either. We are teasing. It is that. It was annoying, at first, but then I grew to love their fiesty antics.

When I got back to the house from the grocery store, I looked at the time. Time for a Red Bull! My guides told me. I walked to the Quickee Mart again to buy a Red Bull. I felt so entranced by everything that was now happening, I wanted to write every little thing down. My guides told me, No Rachel, most people wouldn't find this interesting. We tell you what to do, you do it. Over and over again. Simple as that. Nothing to it.

They told me, before I left, to bring my ID. I was going to get a little something else too, if the mood struck.

We walked to the Quickee Mart, and I bought a Red bull, then two alcholic beverages, not to celebrate, to calm my body from the Adderall turmoil. I was missing that shit like crazy.

I got drunk. I was happy. I walked home. When I got home, my parents were mad. They smelled the alcohol on my breath. They were so mad, they started lecturing. My mother was lecturing. “You need to clean your room. Brush your teeth. Wash the dog. Blah, blah, blah, blah.” She was being a bitch. She was treating me like a child. Without thinking, in the midst of her banter. My hand stuck out, and slapped her ever so lightly on the cheek. She fell backwards with the force of the blow. She screamed. “Rachel slapped me!”

I was smug about it, and felt no regret. I felt as if I had made a wise decision. In that moment, it was up to me. Put up with her banter, or show her who was in charge. I needed to instill a sense of fear in her of me. It worked. I was in charge. I had saved the day.

After I slapped my mom, my parents got mad. However, they didn't punish me. They let me go out and drink, but stopped me to tell me I was not allowed to go.

Beforehand, I didn't want to go, because my parents would stop me. Go, said the spirit guides. Go. This isn't bad, what's about to happen. It's actually kind of funny.

So I left my room, with ID and money, to go have a drink. My dad stopped me on the stairs.

“Where are you going?”

“To the corner store.”

“What will you be drinking there, Rachel?”

“Rockstar.”

“That's it?”

“Yepperoonies!”

“Rachel, this is not a test. You are not going to live like this anymore, Rachel. You are in the real world now. And real people like you know they can't drink.”

“I will do what I see fit, to ale my aging body.”

“Rachel, you are too old to drink! You are going to die if you drink on your meds! No, not die... become horribly maimed and disfigured.”

I started trying to move around him anyway, as he was blocking the stairway with his massivity. He grabbed me, I tried to move... He laughed, thwapped me on the butt, and said, “Oh, is this how you want to do it?”

I was in pain, but it was okay. I said, “What do they do for people with alcohol addictions?” I was implying, if you are addicted to alcohol, you can't just go off it cold turkey, it is dangerous.

He looked defeated. “You shoot them!” he said, without laughing.

I looked at him, taken aback. “That's not funny. You shouldn't joke about things like that.” Then, there was a clicking noise in my brain. “Wait a second, you were being facetious! That's what that word means!”

And I got up, and went back up to my room. Right afterwards, my body was flooded with endorphins, and I felt good. This was the funny part they were talking about. All the pain left me feeling good.

Who are you, anyway? I asked the person I was talking to, whom I thought was my spirit guides, but I wasn't sure.

“I am your one and only God, Rachel.”

Why are you talking to me?

“You are my only hope, Rachel.”

Why?

“I am lonesome, dear wonderful friend.”

How so? Don't you have friends up there?

“You know, you get it Rachel.... they are like robots compared to my effervescent glory.”

I understand. How am I your only hope?

“You intrigue me, girl. You are a wonderful, vibrantly orgasmic soul. I long for the day when the two of us touch, and intertwine, and intermingle.... to create a wonderful day of....”

Why? Why me?

“It has happened so many times before. I thought, well for sure, she will reach enlightenment... But never did. You almost did, last month. I knew you loved me enough to do it, but... Do you really want to?”

What do you mean?

“In order to reach enlightenment, you have to give up being human, in order to become a god, like me. I am the only god now. It gets lonely, being the only god. It's horrible, I am miserable. I don't know if you want this, Rachel. But I want you to want this. I want a companion. A lover. We'd have sex, you know, you and me.”

No one has loved you before?

“Oh they have... but they don't want this. They get to the end, where they almost reach enlightenment, and at the end, you realize.... You are better off just remaining human. They don't want the burden. But I am here to tell you, Rachel, you are my only hope. I love you. Like a lover. And I want you to want me, baby. But I don't know about you. You are so stuck on pleasure, you can't define for me what love is anymore. You don't want truth, baby. You want pleasure. And I think I can give it to you, but at a price.”

What's the price?

“I want you to become like me, in all my effervescent glory. It would take the edge off of being an enlightened spirit if I had another enlightened spirit to talk to. I could only imagine the things we would do together, baby. You and I.... none of your, dominant male, submissive female bullshit. I like them equal, like this.

At that moment, he gave me a taste of the feeling of femininity he wanted. Something equal, that balanced out his seductive, vibrant masulinity.

“So what do you say? Will you do it for me, baby?”

I want to, God... I want to... But is it really that awful, being an all-powerful being?

“It's hard, yes... I meant to say, I get sick of it... I get sick of the slander, the meanness... Everyone always says, 'well, a good god wouldn't create such a horrible Earth...' But they don't understand. I am a good God! I am! I have pain too! I like them, sure, I love them... But they don't really love me, so I say, fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you... Not because they don't love me, but because I can...”

Are you a good person?

“No, not really... But I know that about you, Rachel. You appreciate that sort of thing. Dark, evil, sick, twisted souls are your cup of tea... So I thought, hey, maybe you'd love me? Would you?”

I was entranced buy this conversation. I adored this guy already.

“I know you do, baby. I hear your thoughts. See? I'm all-knowing. I don't know what's going to happen, though. That's up to you. Tell you what. When you get up to heaven, I will give you your own universe to make fun of. Sort of like that bug game you loved so much you made. I enjoyed that about you, your dark, twisted side. Another thing I will let you do is, make decisions about Earth. Like when I decide, hey, there should be an awful, awful flood.... I'll let you say, hey, let's flood this city! Or this city! Or both! And I will say, you are a good decider, Rachel. That's an excellent idea! And then, the both of us will flood the cities, while drinking a cocktail, and bask in our own effervescent glory.”

I like that idea, but what are the drawbacks?

“Oh, enlightenment is a beautiful process, Rachel... There is nothing more exquisite... But it takes a lot of hard work. Really Rachel, I thought you were going to do it. You just needed to have a heart attack. If you had gotten all riled up, danced around a little bit, I would have given it a little push, and bam! You would have experienced the beauty and effervescent joy of enlightenment!”

Really?

“No, not really. I knew you weren't going to do it, Rachel. No one ever does. No one wants this. You were not going to have a heart attack. You can't do that. You can't induce your own heart attack by jumping around, girl. That's not how it works. There are mechanisms in place to stop you if your heart goes out of whack. But no worries. You have another shot. You can do it now, you just have to decide, do you want enlightenment? Do you want truth, or do you want pleasure?”

I'd rather have pleasure.

“Well, it's up to you, but... I thought, if you got to know me, and you decided, hey, l am in love with this guy, he is the love of my life... Then you might do it for me, baby. Do you think so?

I think that's a good idea, but I don't know.

“There you go. If you ever go out at night, bring a thermometer. For your dance moves kill the crowds of people who watch.”

Why are you telling me this?

“Because you and I will dance the night away in heaven, and the angels will watch, and be astounded by your dance moves, baby. You and I, we will never part, in heaven, you will love the way I dance, I am good too, we will have dance parties, drink cocktails, play bridge, make sandcastles, have sex...”

Where do you get the time to do all this? I thought you had work to do?

“I do, but I will make the time for you. It gets lonely, being the only all-powerful being. If you were here, there would be two all-powerful beings. And we could have a laugh every once in awhile, killing heathens, sending people to hell... There is a hell, you know, and it's reserved for people like your mom.”

What about people like my sister?

“She's a horrible skank, yes, a horrible heathen. She goes to hell, baby. Along with your father. If you don't do it, I will be okay with that... I will be sad, yes, but I might say, hey, I adore Rachel, she will stay on the other side for the rest of eternity... Just because I like you.”

Will I never come back to Earth, even if I wanted to?

“No, you will not.... You don't want to come back to Earth, baby. I don't want you there. You are too good for that place, Honey suckle. We will do things in heaven together, but I warn you, I will be mad at you if you don't come and sit by my side for all eternity. I will be mad, and I might make it not as happy as you want it to be.”

I think I want to be like you, baby.

“That's it! That's how we will do it! You and I, together, loving each other, bringing peace to all the lands... Hey, you never know, maybe someone else will decide they want to be one of us too!”

Are there any drawbacks to being and all-powerful being?

“Oh, sure... tons and tons. I don't really want to talk about it, Sugar Bee. I like to call it the white fuzz.”

What's the white fuzz?

“Some nasty, horrible shit even I don't understand! Don't bring that subject up, bitch!”

Why not?

“I hate it, you'd hate it too. If it scares the shit out of me, it would scare the shit out of you too!”

Okay, so there were some drawbacks. Big whoop.

“So is that your answer? Are you going to do it? Baby, if you and I were together, we would make rain. Rain from all the orgasms we would have together. If I were you, I would not tell anyone that we are involved. You will not be received well by your followers, for you are going to be a great woman. Great, great woman.”