A bunch of changes took place at around the same time. I realized that Brandon did not kill me in a past life. This was not true. However, it was this belief that got me to the place I currently was.
What is important is not what is true. It is the effect that certain beliefs bring about. Sometimes believing things that aren’t true can take you places you could never have gotten to if you only believed things that were true, in terms of the evolution of consciousness.
I actually was the second coming of Christ. Does one person take the fall for everyone? The constant state of mental anguish I had been in for the past six years was my crucifixion. The second coming of Christ was crucified with humiliation. Instead of all in one night, I dealt with the pain over a period of several years.
One person does not take the fall for everyone. Different people had to take their share of the pain. The kids at Waterworld did. I knew that God had willed that tragedy to happen so that I could have misconstrued ideas about it. Whatever pain Brandon dealt with, whatever it was that was in his past, God willed that to happen too. Because if he hadn’t made hints about that on his blog, I would not have had delusions. Terri Schiavo did. What they did to Terri Schiavo was sick. It shows how broken Christianity is, that they would have had her live the rest of the life as a vegetable in the hospital with a feeding tube, unable to do anything. That was horrible. Why don’t these people understand how horrible that was?
It was like how they had Sophie sit in a chair all day and do nothing. The reason that was so horrible was because it was dehumanizing. Like Sophie does not have a soul, she is just an inanimate object.
I realized that Sophie seemed okay with it because she didn’t realize that that was horrible. And it was the same thing as Crystal putting puke in front of my door. There was something really horrible about having puke in front of your door that I was unable to grasp.
I was the second coming of Christ, on a mission to end the Christian religion. That was why I was so weird about Christianity. I was not Christian, but I was obsessed with Christianity. Most people who were not Christian just left the subject of Christianity alone.
I was Jesus. I was willing to give up life with my soul mate to spend my life with Erik instead, to spare him a life of misery. Because I loved him that much. I was willing to sacrifice myself for other people.
I realized that Brandon had read every single one of the messages I had sent him. The reason he had blocked me was because I was always delusional. Brandon didn’t think I liked him because I had repeatedly told him I hated him! I never hated him! I was just saying that!
I remembered when I was rambling on and on drunk to Brandon one night when I was living at Bernard. I couldn’t remember what I had said, but I remembered one thing. At one point, I suddenly yelled, “Mr. Fucker!” at him. Brandon had got this look of shock on his face when I had done this. I then apologized and told him I called everyone Mr. Fucker when I was drunk. But there was something meaningful about this.
In one of my messages, I had talked about the dream Brandon had had about me. I didn’t see Brandon getting surprised about that, and I wondered why. Then I realized that Brandon had not had that dream about me. It was not about me, it was about someone else. Brandon never laughed at my water bottle. That was a fake memory. That memory didn’t come in until later, when I came down with misconstrued ideas (actually, I was about out of the hall and he said it so quietly, it only registered subconsciously).
I remembered times when I would listen to a certain song by Disturbed. One of the lyrics was “Memories don’t lie.” I would listen to that song and think about Brandon laughing at my water bottle. I knew there was something weird about that memory. The song was wrong. Memories do lie.
But I was supposed to believe that the dream was about me. That happened on purpose. When Brandon had that dream, it marked a strong shift. He was nicer to me afterwards. And I used the dream to write the Untold Story. I felt something real when I read his dream. There were many elements of it that were important to my life. The thing about Brandon hitting the tree, because of the girl that was killed by a falling tree. The thing about him killing the girl, and how I believed Brandon had killed me in a past life. The thing about light shining out of the ravine seemed kind of Jesus-y to me. There was something important about Brandon trying to kill the light and it killing himself instead. Whether or not the dream was actually about me was irrelevant.
I kept seeing more and more things. I would sit around all day listening to the song “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry on repeat.
No one thought I was a sociopath. That was foolishness. There was an understanding on the sixth floor of Bernard that Rachel was different. She was special.
Brandon had told Crystal I was very timid, and very sensitive. I would not have smirked at her. Crystal had to have been doing something to get me to look at her like that. What she did by putting puke in front of my door was like making fun of a retarded person. Except I was not retarded, I was very intelligent, I was a computer science major. I had a sweet innocence about me and that’s what made me special. If Crystal had met me, she would not have been that way about me. She would have liked me. I realized that the response I had written to Crystal on facebook about not hating people she didn’t know had rung true for her as well, just like what Crystal had written had rung true for me.
I was picking up on something. It really disturbed Brandon that he had been with a girl for so long who had done that to me. However, it didn’t hit him at first. I got the feeling that there was one day when it suddenly hit him, almost like he woke up from a dream with a strong feeling about it. I could hear the line echoing in my head, “I put puke in front of her door,” spoken aloud in Crystal's putrid voice. Brandon called up Crystal. He told her in a deep, threatening voice how disturbed he was that she had done that to me. Putting puke in front of someone's door was a symbol of a hatred so deep it was vile. Then he screamed at her, and told her he never wanted to hear from her or see her again, ever.
Afterwards, Crystal called up Blake. “Brandon screamed at me.”
“Crystal, I thought it was so sick how you did that to her. If you had met her, you would have known she wouldn’t have smirked at you, it was obviously because of something you were doing.”
I realized that Blake actually did really like me, just like I liked him. The night of the ER incident, we had made a good connection. That’s what made it kind of sad that the ER thing had to happen. I could remember walking back to the dorms at some point while I was living at Bernard and seeing Blake. I said hi to him but he seemed really distant from me. I had thought that he didn’t like me because of the ER incident. I realized now that that wasn’t the reason he had seemed so distant. It was because he had known about Crystal putting puke in front of my door and he felt really bad for me because of it. Blake did like me, that’s why he had always kept me as a friend on facebook. He wasn’t the kind of person who had a whole bunch of facebook friends.
Of course, this was just the process of cycling ideas. None of it is necessarily true.
I could remember back when I was looking at Brandon’s facebook profile from yet another one of my profiles. I was looking at who was on his friends list. Then it was almost as if something whispered to me, “look who’s not on his friend list.” And I saw that Brandon and Crystal were no longer friends.
I know this isn’t compelling evidence, but I got the impression from watching their relationship on facebook that they had a very good relationship that ended on very good terms, and they were still good friends after the break up. Crystal was the kind of person who likes to stay friends with her ex’s. I knew that Brandon had to have been the one to remove Crystal.
The puke thing upset Brandon so much because I was his soul mate. It also upset him because he had puked all over the hall during the first week of school.
I rode around in the car with my dad looking for an apartment, while I listened to my iPod. I listened to the Katy Perry song on repeat the whole time. My dad could hear my music and he noticed this. It annoyed him that I would just listen to one song on repeat for an extended period of time. I told him he didn’t understand the state I was in. I experienced music differently in this state. This was true. He told me that if I listened to the same song over and over again, I would wear a groove in my brain.
I realized something. That was what I had done with the song Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. I had worn a groove in my brain. There is a violin loop in the song that evokes a certain interesting emotion. You have to listen to the song in order to understand. That was what had originally attracted me to the song. But I had listened to the song so many times it no longer evoked that emotion. It sounded completely different from how it originally sounded. Even after going for at least a year without listening to the song, it didn’t sound that way anymore. It never would again.
However, I would still listen to the song. Because even without that, it was still just such a good song.
I remembered how I had read about the song on Wikipedia. The Verve had taken the violin loop from a Rolling Stones song. And because of this, they ended up losing all profit from the song to the Rolling Stones. All because they used their violin loop. The Verve tried to argue that even without that violin loop, it was still just such a good song. But The Verve lost, because apparently the Rolling Stones believed the violin loop was the only thing that attracted people to the song.
I was having a problem when I would try to sleep at night. Something would happen every time I fell asleep that would cause me to immediately wake up. I got this feeling like I was slipping away into a dark abyss.
At the same time, I started to realize something about Orion. He was upset with me. I had done something to get under his skin. However, it wasn’t because I made him cheat on his bitch girlfriend. At the time I had given him my book, it ended with my first suicide attempt. Now, I had read this guy’s book, and I knew that he had gone through a tremendous struggle with being suicidal. Someone who has not been suicidal might not notice it about my first suicide attempt. But the way I took the idea of killing myself so lightly the first time was disgusting. I got up in the middle of the night from not being able to sleep, and started searching to try to find a way to contact him. I found him on facebook and sent him a message. Then later I found out he didn't receive it.
Then I realized that what I had been experiencing at night was related to this. Every time I fell asleep, I felt like I was slipping away, like I was going to die. Because of my first suicide attempt, which I took so lightly, where I took a bunch of pills, drank a bunch of alcohol, and I was going to die in my sleep. Now, I couldn’t sleep because of my first suicide attempt. Whatever had been happening was really scary. However, once I realized what it was, it stopped happening.
I sent Orion an email about it, recalling his email address from memory only. I told him about how it was disgusting how lightly I took suicide the first time, what I had was not a mental illness it was a spiritual thing, how every time I went to sleep I felt like I was going to die, and I talked about my second suicide attempt and how that one was different.
Later, I looked back at my sent messages, and saw that before when I had contacted Orion I had used a different email address. I had recalled his email address incorrectly. So I had sent this email to some other random guy.
I had noticed something when I was looking him up online. Orion had moved from Santa Barbara to Portland, Oregon, where I was. He was also still single. I wondered if all this had happened on purpose. Maybe I was supposed to be with Orion now instead of Erik.
Orion had liked my book all the way up to the suicide attempt. I could see him talking to this guy named Chad from the Santa Barbara program. The night I had run away from the program the first time and blacked out, I had went and found Orion. Apparently I had told Orion I wanted to fuck. Orion wouldn’t tell me what I had said, but Chad did. When I went back to the house the last night I was in Santa Barbara after hanging out with Orion, I saw Chad sitting in the smoking area outside. He asked me what had been going on with me.
“I was with Orion.” I clasped my hands over my mouth. “I wasn’t supposed to say that!”
When the staff in Santa Barbara had packed up my stuff, they had given me Chad’s razor. The thing that made that so funny was that the razor had an enormous label that said “Chad” on it. So I had had Chad’s razor the entire time I was at Innercept.
Orion and Chad talked about my book. Orion had liked it. But then he got to the part about suicide, and that ruined everything. “She attempted suicide, even though she wasn’t really that upset. It was sick.”
I thought that this email would fix things, and maybe I would break up with Erik after all. Maybe I was supposed to be with Orion instead.
However, Orion never got back to me.
In my mind, I kept thinking about Crystal staring at me with a look of terror on my face, then putting puke in front of my door two days later.
It was the most ridiculous situation. I couldn't get it off my mind, like a song stuck in my head, on repeat, playing over, and over, and over again. The girl staring at me with strange look on her face. The puke in front of my door.
What to do next? I knew what to do. I needed to add this girl from theater class to my facebook, Jordan.
I was always in awe of how pretty this girl was. She was absolutely gorgeous, like the prettiest girl I had ever seen in my life. I'm not a lesbian, I wasn't attracted to her, but I had always been in awe of this. I was nervous when I talked to her, and I avoided eye contact.
I imagined her talking. She was saying, people don't understand that being really pretty was a curse. I could see how this could be the case. Other girls would always be jealous, and everywhere you go, nasty guys would always hit on you. While at Innercept, for a couple months I had dated this guy, Clyde. I liked him, but he wasn't very attractive and he had this problem where he would hit on girls wherever he went. Actually, it was a quality I found endearing, until he hit on Jordan. We were at the local recreation center one time when we ran into her. I couldn't believe it when Clyde dared to hit on Jordan. I was mad at him because of this, because he just made a fool out of himself.
Anyway, so I added Jordan, and the next day I noticed she accepted and had liked a couple things on my profile, which was in my mind significant.
So I sent her a message:
It sucks to be you, doesn't it? I am part of a spiritual thing, I knew there was something about you because you would make appearances in my dreams. You're the girl who's so pretty, it's a curse. All the girls want what you have. But they don't understand that if they had it, they wouldn't want it. Because of the way everyone treats you.
I sent this message, went offline, then didn't go on facebook for a week for fear of how she had responded.
Brandon had liked me, but he didn't respond to me because I had false beliefs. Then, I had started telling him I hated him. The reason he didn't talk to me was because I kept telling him I hated him! I remembered the myspace message, the one I didn't want to remember, that I started writing but didn't send. Maybe it got sent anyway.
I had to let him know that I really did like him. So I went onto one of my other facebook accounts from a different computer, wrote him a message telling him I would always like him. I was sorry for making fun of him for his religion. I talked about the myspace message, which I didn't intend to send but may have gotten sent anyway. If he wanted to get in contact with me, he needed to get creative, because I was too scared to do anything on the internet anymore. I didn't check the account later to see if he had responded, for fear that he would have blocked that account too.
The next day, I realized that this wasn't true. Brandon didn't have feelings for me. I changed my relationship status to in a relationship with Erik.
I was scared of how Jordan would have responded. Finally, I had Erik go on my facebook and look for me. She had written, “Huh?” That was it.
I'm so sorry Jordan, I'm like the weirdest person ever...
She told me it was okay, it takes a lot more than that to freak her out. I explained to her what I was thinking.
Yeah, people are kind of mean to me and it really hurts my feelings! So I guess it is kind of a curse.
I was just relieved that things were okay. I didn't know if she remembered, but she had actually said something in class about people being mean to her a lot, so that's how I knew that.
I told her I was writing a book and I asked if she wanted to hear about some stuff. She said yes, maybe just to be polite, but I told her about Weird Zombie Girl and she seemed to really enjoy that story.
I realized that things were okay. With this realization, I felt emboldened. It was okay to make mistakes. I knew that I had been wrong about Jordan. But I also knew, part of my spiritual journey was that everything I thought didn't have to be accurate, I could believe things that weren't true, I didn't always have to be right. I didn't have to be paralyzed with fear of being wrong. I could right mistakes. I could mess up, and things would be okay.
I received a message back from Jason, whom I had met at the writer's conference. This guy knew a lot about spiritual stuff. I had described what I had been experiencing recently, and he said I may be experiencing Dark Night of the Soul.
I did some research on Dark Night of the Soul. No, it didn't sound like what I was experiencing. But something caught my attention. On one of the websites, there was a picture of the painting The Scream.
I had the painting The Scream hanging in my living room in my apartment in Coeur d'Alene. Back in the dorms, I had a print of Homer Simpson doing the scream hanging on my wall.
I remembered the dream I had in eighth grade, right after I realized I liked the teacher as a mom. There was a woman screaming, and blood in the sky. In the painting The Scream, there is blood in the sky.
I figured this must be significant.
I had sent Brandon a message from another account. But I realized, if you get a message from someone who isn't on your friends list, it goes into a separate “other” folder, which people seldom check.
So, I came up with an idea where I could get through to him. I created a new account. This account was called “Smirkydesmirkster Atweirdzombiegirl.” I made a funny picture of a clown with an exposed brain as the profile picture, and edited the profile in various funny ways.
On the profile, I again stated that I was a mirror.
I was thinking about the thing about me being a mirror. I was thinking that I was Jesus, but the stuff about Jesus wasn't true. God exists, but Christianity was false.
Now, I don’t know what Brandon thought when I was sending him messages. But it was probably something along the lines of this:
“I have been out of your life and I have been the center of your world all this time? That’s pretty weird, Rachel.”
“Those are some pretty odd things to believe about me without having any proof.”
“You love me, and you think I love you? We don’t really know each other, Rachel.”
“I haven’t been responding to you. Those responses you are hearing are coming from you, not me.”
“Why are you confiding so much in me? I don’t want to hear this shit.”
“You expect me to help you? I can’t save you, Rachel. There’s nothing I can do.”
“I don’t need you to give me a blow job. I don’t expect that from you.”
A blow job, in this case, being a form of worship.
I was a mirror. I was Jesus mirroring Christians.
I remembered the dream I had my senior year of high school with the guy standing in front of the mirror. That guy had the same distinctive build that Brandon had.
So I was Jesus after all.
I kept thinking about Weird Zombie Girl. The way I saw it in my mind, I saw Crystal and I looking at each other, that one fall day when we passed each other back at college. Around us there were a lot of other people walking, but it was sped up, like a video in fast motion, with everyone walking around us really fast. The moment when Crystal and I were looking at each other was this seemingly eternal moment. People passed us at high speed, and at the spot where Crystal and I were staring at each other, there was a hole. Like this event wore a hole into the ground.
I couldn't get it off my mind and it was driving me nuts. So, one night, I decided to do something about it. I was going to make fun of Crystal for it.
I started making another fake profile for Weirdzombie Girll. I searched google images for a picture of a girl with an expression of terror on her face. Upon looking through the first page, I noticed that none of them did Crystal's expression justice. Then, I found a picture with an expression extreme enough to work. It was a picture of a girl in a blue shirt with blond medium length hair. I clicked on the picture, and it was actually a video clip. The girl stood there breathing heavily. Then it would start again at the beginning. The video clip played in a loop.
I dragged the picture to my desktop, where my computer saved it as a still image. Then I got to work on the profile. I knew Crystal's month and year of birth, but I didn't know the day. Under day I just entered the first. I entered her real hometown. I entered our college. Then I got a little bit creative. Weirdzombie Girll was a brain surgeon at the Holy Spirit Hospital. Activities she enjoys were staring and eating brains. Her cover photo was a picture of a tray of brains.
I entered some text. “I am oblivious to the fact that I stare at people with strange facial expressions on my face, like the one in my profile picture.”
There. It was done. I sent Crystal a friend request.
Later, I showed Erik the picture I had used as Weirdzombie Girll's profile picture. He recognized the girl as YouTube sensation Jenna Marbles. The picture was from her video “How to get people to stop talking to you.” Her technique was to get people to leave you alone by staring at them with a really freaked out facial expression.
The following night I was up late working on changing SmirkydeSmirkster Atweirdzombiegirl's profile. I chose two pictures of girls from the internet, each with an expression of confusion on their face: one for the profile picture and one for the cover photo. I edited the profile a bit. Under about me, I removed everything I had written previously except for “I'm only a mirror.”
I went back and added text to Weirdzombie Girll's profile:
Don't let my dead, barren, zombie-like exterior fool you. I CAN see you. And if you smirk at my face, you WILL suffer the consequences.
I am oblivious to the fact that I walk around and stare at people with a funny look of terror plastered on my face. Innocent smirkers clean up the puke I prop up against the outside of your door.
Then I went back to SmirkydeSmirkster's profile:
I saw weird zombie girl staring at me with a funny look of terror plastered on her face. When I smirked, she didn't react in any way. Huh. That's odd. Weird zombie girl. She must be completely unconscious. Little did I know, she was not. And I suffered the consequences.
I sent Crystal a friend request from this account too.
A thought occurred to me. Back at college, when I had witnessed “weird zombie girl,” I had been in an altered state. I had been high spiritually because I had just read about Brandon's dream. I wondered if this had added an extra degree of smugness to my smirk. I thought on this, then added to the Smirkydesmirkster profile:
A spiritual high may have added a degree of smugness.
I added myself as a friend to the SmirkydeSmirkster account. Then I went and started adding a bunch of people to both accounts. WeirdZombie Girll first, then SmirkydeSmirkster Atweirdzombiegirl. I added a bunch of people who had lived at Bernard.
This profile thing I had going was hilarious, at least I thought so. I could send this to anyone. Anyone who had a profile and allowed random friend requests. So who else should I send it to?
I looked up Chance and added him.
I didn't intend for people to accept these friend requests, I just wanted them to look at the profiles.
I was sitting on my bed, when I heard someone in my head gasp. “THAT'S ILLEGAL!” I immediately deactivated both accounts.
Then I talked to Erik about it, who assured me that what I was doing was not in any way illegal. Sure, it was a violation of facebook policy, but it wasn't illegal. I reactivated both accounts.
The next day, I was in the car with my mom on the way to the library. I thought about it, and suddenly it changed in my mind. WEIRD ZOMBIE GIRL WEIRD ZOMBIE GIRL WEIRD ZOMBIE GIRL! I heard those three words spoken aloud over and over again, in a weird voice that zipped upward, it slowly grew louder and increasingly more and more high pitched. It was so intense it pierced my soul. This was something very important. This was what my whole life had been leading up to.
At some point, I noticed that WeirdZombie Girll had a friend request. It was from a girl who went to the same university. I accepted, and sent her a message telling her who I was and that this was a joke profile. She responded with a wink. I interpreted this as a wink of encouragement.
I saw Crystal looking at my profiles. She understood what I was referring to, and that I was talking about her. “I did not have that look on my face!”
“Crystal.” This was Brandon speaking. “You were being influenced by the holy spirit.” It didn't make any sense why the two of them would be talking. I didn't even believe the two of them were talking. But this is what I heard.
I saw Chance looking at the profiles. I knew there was something to this I hadn't intended there to be, much like there was supposed to have been something my livejournal I hadn't intended. Chance had made fun of me for being a “weird zombie girl.” He starts out looking at it, and he is enjoying it. This whole weird zombie girl thing is funny. Then he sees that SmirkydeSmirkster's one friend is me. Anyone who smirks at weird zombie girl suffers the consequences. Chance smirked at me, and the consequences were that he would be damned to hell. He smirked at me by making fun of me for being quiet.
Of course, he didn't actually believe he was going to hell for it, but I was thinking that that was what he thought I was implying. Chance got angry. He thought I was comparing myself to Jesus again. He was going to get everyone from my high school class to remove me as a friend. He calls someone up, it was unclear who, and he explains the thing about how I was saying I was Jesus, and the weird zombie girl thing and how he had basically called me a weird zombie girl.
“You made fun of her for it?”
“What's worse, comparing yourself to Jesus or making fun of Rachel Zuhl?”
“Making fun of Rachel Zuhl!”
Chance looks at my facebook profile, where I had Matthew 7:3 as my most recent status: And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, and considereth not the beam that is in thine own eye?
“There was something too clever about the way she did that,” I heard Chance say. Later, he realized that I hadn't even intended it to mean that I was Jesus.
I wasn't sure about these conversations I was hearing. The thing was, I didn't really have any control over it, I just heard them. These scenarios would just enter my head.
That night I was up late again. There was something else about this. What was it? What the hell was it? There was something more to these weird zombie girl profiles.
It lacked something still. I contemplated this for a bit before having a lightbulb moment. I removed the line about the spiritual high, and added a different line to SmirkydeSmirkster's profile at the end of the text:
Did YOU smirk at weird zombie girl?
It was complete. Still, I didn't know what it meant.
Chapter 92I heard Chance talking to one of his friends on the phone. “What Rachel did was funny. You should go look at it.” He gave his friend the names of the profiles I had created.
Chance's friend read through them. When he got to the end of what I had written on SmirkydeSmirkster's profile, he screamed at the top of his lungs.
“Oh my God that is so freaky!”
“Huh?” Chance looks for himself. “Oh, she added something!” He noticed that the last line had changed.
So I figured out what I was doing. I went and switched up both the profiles so that all the important text was under “about me.” The first line of SmirkydeSmirkster's text was “I'm only a mirror.”
I would send people a friend request from both accounts. WeirdZombie Girll first, then SmirkydeSmirkster Atweirdzombiegirl. When people receive these friend requests, they are kind of blindsided by the weirdness of it. They read WeirdZombie Girll's profile first, and while they are reading they are smiling, or smirking. Then they go to the next one. This is the mirror profile. This profile represents them. But they don't realize this, and they still think it's funny, and odd. “Huh. That's odd. Weird Zombie Girl.” Which is what they are thinking. Then they get to the last line, “Did YOU smirk at weird zombie girl?” And this line suddenly makes them self-conscious, conscious of their own smirk, and they suddenly realize the parallel between this profile and themselves. This sets off a chain reaction of neurons firing in the brain. The thing about weird zombie girl is that it's funny on the surface, but freaky underneath. Suddenly, what they first found amusing, now freaks the shit out of them. They realize that the idea of a girl who is oblivious to the fact that she stares at people with a look of terror plastered on her face is actually really freaky. And it creates such a deep sense of terror that it causes them to scream at the top of their lungs involuntarily.
Right before they start screaming, in those last moments of terror before the scream comes out, they stare up at Smirkydesmirkster's profile picture. There is a picture of a girl holding a textbook, looking at you with an expression of shock and anger. As if to say, “You smirked at weird zombie girl? How could you! You know she's sensitive!”
There wasn't any good evolutionary reason why the scream took place. It was like a hiccup. It was a hiccup in our DNA only God knew about. It was a psychological trick that required such a deep understanding of human psychology, it was superhuman. Thus proving the existence of God.
I imagined God talking to me. “Only I know how to make them do the scream.”
I heard Chance talking again. “Rachel said she had something that proved the existence of God. I thought, you can't prove the existence of God, and I thought she was stupid. I was the one being stupid. I forgot that all things are possible in God.”
So, this is what happens to innocent smirkers, people who smirk at weird zombie girl. They scream at the top of their lungs. This is the consequence of smirking, and it was a very unpleasant experience for those who did it.
I also experienced the consequences of smirking at weird zombie girl. It was more than just the puke. Because you could argue that if I hadn't smirked at weird zombie girl, none of this stuff would have happened. Maybe, I would never have developed misconstrued beliefs. Of course, this wasn't actually the case, because all of this was planned by God. I hadn't really had a mental breakdown. But some people thought I had a mental breakdown, and to them, they may have thought that it was because Brandon dated the girl who put puke in front of my door. Therefore, all my troubles originated from weird zombie girl. If I had never smirked, there would have been no puke. This is what happens when you smirk at weird zombie girl. Never smirk at weird zombie girl.
I logged back in to my regular Rachel Zuhl facebook profile and looked at the newsfeed. I saw a post that featured a Friedrich Nietzsche quote. It seemed relevant so I hit share:
“Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.”
At first, I thought I was posting this quote because of other people. Other people didn't want to accept that the stuff about Jesus wasn't true. Later, though, I realized that this quote was about myself and my illusions, and how on so many occasions I had been unwilling to accept that they were untrue when I was confronted with evidence that my misconstrued ideas were false.
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