Help Like Jesus: Part 28

Well, what are we doing today, Salioness? My spirit guides asked me.

It's up to you, you're in charge, I replied.

We think you better stop asking us what to do, and do things yourself. We think it's a good day for awesome fun in the sun.

What?

Fun in the sun! We love that phrase in the spirit world! Everyone does!

I hate that phrase. It's dumb.

Well, you're not with us yet, are you?

What are we really going to do today?

Believe in love.

Really?

Not really. Get your computer and go work on your book.

I feel deathly ill, from all the Adderall withdrawals and such.

Well, that's no good. Maybe you should pop a presciption ativan.

That will not help my concentration issues.

It will not, but it will keep you from doing the dwerp de dwerp.

True that.

Well, what do you want to do today?

Eat some food at the Quickee Mart.

You need to watch your weight, my dear. We think you will understand why you have to breathe oxygen if you don't know how to work it in the garden. We understand your weight problem, it is a pressing problem. But right now, you are ascending! Wooh! Ascension!

What are you talking about?

Spiritual planes. There are many of them. Whenever something weird happens to you, it is because you are ascending spiritual planes. Like back in 2007, for example. We put you on the meth head plane. Back in 2007, we wanted to help you out so we took you off the meth head plane and put you on the other funny plane there is no name for that is used as a precursor to enlightenment. That was your, “enlightenment.” We told you that at the time, that's why you got that word in your head. You didn't know you would reach enlightenment before that, that's why when we told you, you made that little puppy conscious!

You mean I'm going to reach enlightenment?

You did already. Back after you were in the hospital and you went through dark night of the soul. We didn't tell you that, did you? When you remembered that you were the only one on Earth, that was true dark night of the soul. Not what is written about it, the origin of the term.

I reached enlightenment already? What? I feel hardly different at all!

Not really, but a pillar of enlightenment. When you reach the next pillar, it will be music to your ears. You will be at peace, everyone will think you are having a good life. And you will be smart as a jiffy.

When will this happen?

During the guardianship trial, before the final hearing. When you are living on your own. It's not a pretty process, enlightenment. But it is marvelous.

When will I die?

Someday, when you are around 57. You will be shot. You knew this already, didn't you?

I did, somewhat. When will I become one with myself again?

You need to attach another energy cord. An ego cord. You lost your ego in dark night.

An ego cord?! But I wanted that puppy out the window!

Be that as it may, your ego is helpful. You understand little of how it works, the ego. It is absolutely essential. So, right now, energy work!

I lay down and thought hard and deep.

Okay, right here. Imagine a cord. Now, put wings on it. Now, happy! Happy! HAPPY!

Poof!

There, your ego is now an energy cord. One more cord to get rid of. The Waterworld cord.

What's that?

The water rising dreams. We attached a lovely cord to give you nightmares. Yes, they do have to do with global warming. No, they are not realistic. Yes, this is a real issue, global warming, but it's not going to flood the Earth. So, snippy snippy!

I cut the cord.

Did you want to do something else, Salioness?

Like what?

We could tell you how to talk to objects. It's not that fun, but it is interesting for people who have never done it before. First, look right there, at that box. Now, ask it to talk to you.

I did so.

What? I said out loud, speaking from the perspective of the box.

How are you? I asked.

Not so! The box responded.

What are you doing?

Making fun!

What does it mean?

Little at all!

What do you talk to other objects about?

Coconuts!

That's it. We're done. They do talk to other objects, we don't know what they talk about. They always say coconuts. Except some say bread, and others say cereal. Let's do something else now. Look up there, at those plates. They need help. Objects hate being used for purposes other than there intended purpose. Tell them that they would rather be decorations than plates. It will improve the energy of the room a little bit.

One by one, I talked to the plates. When I got the third one, it told me it was scared, it was up so high! I told it to relax. When I got to the last one, it said it was afraid of a spirit in the room. A very, very dark spirit. It was going to use some intense magic to get rid of the spirit.

Do objects really have magic? I asked.

They do, but it is very weak and ineffective.

Let's use your old picture trick a little bit. Talk to the pictures, open the portal, and ask questions.

I drew up a picture of Crystal. Breathing deeply, I opened the portal. She said hi.

Do you understand your fate, you will become an object?

I do not. I don't believe in the purpose of those things.

If you were an object, would you like to be used for purposes other than your intended purpose?

I think so. Because I'd like to be... violated.

I closed the portal. We laughed, really hard.

Why does she say she wants to be violated? Someone asked.

She is into kinky, kinky things.