I went out to dinner with my mom. While I was out, I remembered how I could ask any question in the world. All sorts of questions. I thought of a question I desperately, desperately needed to ask. Was Brandon's dream about me?
I rushed home so I could ask the question of Brandon. When I did, I sat there for a long time, then slumped back, and screamed out loud. I took this answer to mean yes.
I could ask any question in the world I wanted, to anyone, and I could get, what I thought, was an honest answer. What to ask?
“If you knew everything there was to know about me, would you like me?” I asked this to Chance.
I moved around in the fashion that I was ruminating, thinking about it, considering all there was to consider, for a very long time. Looking at everything there was to know about me. In the end, Melvin gave a very decisive nod.
“If you knew me, would you want to be in a relationship with me?” I asked this question to Adam.
He thought about it, then said, “Sure, why the fuck not?”
“Do you want to marry me?”
“Wooaah... umm, okay, sure. Wait, yes, I think so. Yes. YES!” This was Adam. Afterwards, I felt an outpouring of energy toward me.
I was starting to obsess over Adam. I knew what was happening. I had a theory about this.
It had to do with energy cords. Originally, I had had a creepy energy cord to Brandon, making me creepily obsessed with him. It had built up over time, through having delusions about him, thinking we were going to be something together, etc. Over and over again, I had thought about him. Obsessively, I thought about him for years and years, and the cord just kept getting stronger. When I had added Melvin as a friend, I had moved the creepy cord over to Melvin. Now, a creepy cord transfer was tricky and difficult. But I had liked Melvin enough, that it made the creepy cord transfer possible.
Now here I was, and I was sick of having this crush on Melvin that wasn't going anywhere. And now, there was a new guy, Adam, who I liked reasonably well. I thought he was funny enough, smart enough, attractive enough... I could transfer the creepy cord to him relatively easy.
And so here I am, sitting here, screaming, “Oh God, all he did was comment! That was innocent enough! Don't reattach the creepy cord! Don't reattach the creepy cord! Don't reattach the creepy cord! For the love of God, DON'T REATTACH THE CREEPY CORD!”
Why did it have to be this way? Why did there have to be a creepy cord in the first place? Couldn't we just, somehow, get rid of the creepy cord?
So I asked my mom about it. I wanted to see an energy worker. A spiritual energy worker. Remove the creepy cord. Without going into too much detail, I explained creepy cord logistics. Because, if I were to transfer this cord to Adam.... man. All I could say was, this better be true love.
She did not believe my explanation. She did not think I knew what I was talking about, with the creepy cord. She didn't think my problem was debilitating. Because, for God's sake, she didn't hear me talking about this guy ever. She thought I was talking about Erik. Shows how much she knew me. Sure, I liked Erik. But I wasn't obsessed with him, in any way, shape, or form.
I made an appointment anyway. My mom told me to call and cancel. Maybe the problem will fix itself! Shoot me in the face, why don't you. This was a serious, serious, serious, problem. Creepy cords just don't go away over night.
The worst part was her reasoning for not letting me go. She thought the energy worker might present me with some ideas that would challenge my firmly held beliefs about the existence of my mental illness, and in my fragile mental state I might accept them and want to stop taking my medications. Fuck her. Fuck her in the face. This was my mom? I was cursed with the lousiest mom on the planet. Fuck her for thinking I was so gullible and easily swayed, fuck her for not thinking this was a big deal, fuck her for thinking I would accept such an idea if the idea wasn't so firmly planted in my head already. If I had my way, right now, I would like her to choke on toenail polish.
I thought about taking the bus and going anyway. But my instincts advised me against it. This would get them riled up at a time that I didn't want them riled up. My instincts were going haywire right now, telling me to worry, worry, worry, worry. I had been handed something huge, more than anything I had ever dreamed or hoped would ever happen to me. Psychic abilities. It could easily be taken away by an increase in my medications. They were already thinking I was manic. I better not do anything right now to make waves. My biggest fear is that they would increase my medication. I was doing great, I was losing weight and I was psychic. It could all be taken away in a jiffy.
I kept asking Adam how he felt about me. Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me? I was just checking. Like, I expected the answer to change. One time, after asking this several times, he laughed really hard, in a frustrated way. Yes! I still like you!
The answer would get weaker the more times I would ask. As if he were running out of energy, or something.
I asked the two of them, Melvin and Adam, all sorts of questions. Like, what they would think if they knew certain things about me. They had no problem with anything I told them. They would both like me very much if they knew me in person, right now. This was more than I could ask for.
I was expecting Adam to write me, ask me out, or something. At the very least, I was expecting him to comment again on one of my statuses. Erik kept urging me to actually start a conversation with him. I asked Adam's picture if he was going to, and he said he wanted to, but he didn't know what to say.
I thought of other questions to ask. I remembered back in August, around the time when Chance was interested in me, I got a lot of hits from Portland on my blog one day, directed from Facebook, from a new viewer. I had wondered at the time if this was Chance but hadn't had any way of knowing for sure. I asked Chance if he had read my blog. I got a nod. I asked him if he liked it. He was indecisive, but leaned toward the no. I asked what he didn't like about it. He said it was because I talked about things that weren't really real. At least, that's what came in to my head. I wasn't sure if this was real or not.
I asked Chance's picture if he was thinking about me earlier this year. Early February, and early March. He said no. I asked his picture if it understood time frames. I got a very confused reaction. “What?!” I took that as a no.
Just for the hell of it, I decided to ask my own picture a question. I didn't know what to expect, but I asked my picture how it felt about me. When I did so, I get a very vague, funny, interesting headache. And I sat there startled, with a look of shock on my face for a moment or two.
Erik advised me strongly not to do such a thing again. It can create crazy spiritual knots you can't get rid of.
Occasionally, I would send energy to the pictures, not asking a question, just telling them something. I told Chance's picture I had a crush on him too. I told Adam's picture to write to me. When I did so, I laughed and said, “I guess.”
I asked Crystal if me smirking was the reason she put puke in front of my door. When I did so, I slumped in my seat, and acted embarrassed. I took that to mean yes.
I asked her another question. What did she think of the weird zombie girl profiles? She seemed sort of mellow and said, “Well, it was intelligent.”
“Do you think I am intelligent?”
“Yeah, I'd say so.”
Rachel: This is so much power Erik. I don't know if I can handle it.
Erik: Cautiously.
Rachel: This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
This picture trick was interesting. One thing I noticed about it, is that when I read someone, they were often incredibly indecisive. Thinking about it, shrugging, considering, changing their mind a few times before finally giving a yes or a no, however firm that might be.
It gave me some idea of how subconscious reasoning works. I figured that by using this trick, I was probing deep into their subconscious, somehow. When I would ask if something was their reason for doing something, I would get an answer akin to “yes and no.” Because, as I figured out, people have more than one subconscious reason for doing something. Consciously, the reason might be entirely different from their subconscious reason or reasons. Usually, when you do something, you have a multitude of reasons for making that decision. A lot of times, you are only consciously aware of one. There may be bigger reasons below the surface.
One thing I realized about Melvin. I had very strong sexual and emotional ties to him. I wondered if it was because of him calling out my name in the eighth grade. I figured out, or at least I was thinking at the time, that that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was because we had an intense sexual relationship in a past life.
I didn't actually ask this. There were a few things I thought I knew, without asking.
It got to the point where I almost got sick of asking questions. Not really, but I ran out of good questions to ask. I kept asking the same questions of Adam and Melvin over and over again.
I was reminded of an episode of Malcolm in the Middle. The boys find Lois partially asleep in her bed, in a state where she will answer any questions they ask honestly, without being consciously aware of what they are asking. But they are at a loss for good questions to ask, so Dewey just keeps asking, “What's your favorite color?” over and over again. This was what was happening to me.
I started to get a headache, and minor aches in pains. I felt the excess energy pooling in my body. I didn't know what to do. Eventually, I figured out that I had to get rid of it by draining it into the floor, or the Earth. I located a place inside the Earth with my mind, and let the excess energy collect there.
If I didn't do this frequently, the energy would collect and interfere with the readings. I would get an answer that seemed completely off, like Adam suddenly telling me he didn't like me in that way. When this happened, I knew it was time to drain, drain, drain the excess energy.
Erik suggested I read my parents. I asked what they thought of Erik. My mom shook with fear.
I asked my mom if she though I was a failure. She acted weak, acted like she was crying, then nodded her head, like she didn't want to admit it. I asked my dad the same question. He got really angry, like he was mad I would even suggest that.
I asked my mom's picture if she molested me. I got a really angry reaction, then a no.
I noticed something about this. Usually when I would ask questions, at first, I would get a reaction to the question. Then an answer.
I asked Kristen's picture what she would think if she knew I had given Ted blow jobs. There wasn't a strong reaction. Just a sigh, and some judgmental facial expression. I wasn't really surprised with this outcome. I had a feeling she already secretly suspected that was going on, and it didn't bother her all that much.
I asked Brandon's picture what he thought of weird zombie girl. I got a hearty laugh. I asked what he thought about weird zombie boy. He made a blowing noise, indicating he thought it was stupid. I asked him if he thought the messages I sent him were interesting. I received a lot of energy. I put two thumbs in the air, nodded my head vigorously and said, “hell yes!” I asked if he liked me. I shook my head. You don't like a lot of people, do you? I shook my head. Do you respect me? Again, I shook my head.
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