In the fall of 2013, I was in a relationship with Todd. I enjoyed Todd. He had two female stripper roommates. He was a bicycle mechanic. All day he worked in his bike shop in his garage. He adored cats. He smoked pot and drank. His house was a mess.
At first, I put Melvin out of my mind. I liked Todd a lot. I appreciated him. We didn't have all that much in common, though. We did and we didn't.
I would spend the night at his house. One night, I was lying awake in his bed next to him when I went into cardiac arrest. My heartbeat started going haywire and the heart tissue started ripping apart. My only thought was that this was such a hassle. Such a hassle. I don't want to make a big deal out of this.
I woke up, and it was a dream.
It reminded me of a story I had written in the sixth grade about Todd. The assignment was to write a little bit about how we imagined our classmate's future would be. I wrote that Todd became the owner of McDonald's, because of his obsession with Beanie Babies, and the fact that McDonald's gave out Teenie Beanie Babies. I made up a story about how Todd had been walking in a dark alleyway one night, when he witnessed a man having a heart attack, called the paramedics and saved his life. As it turned out, this man happened to be the owner of McDonald's. Having no children, he was so grateful that he bequeathed ownership on to Todd. It was a funny, farfetched, goofy story.
Todd had been obsessed with Beanie Babies in the sixth grade. He was goofy like that. He was still fun to be around, but honestly, not as much as he was in grade school. He was severely depressed, and he drank too much. We drank too much together. It was something to do.
Then in November, something happened that refocused part of my attention back on to Chance. I got a friend request from one of his best friends. I knew that it had to be because Chance had mentioned me to him, and he had said good things. I wondered if the reason I got it now was because Melvin was thinking about me.
I was very pleased that he did this. I refocused part of my attention away from Todd and onto Chance.
Sometimes, while I was at Todd's, I would get wrapped up thinking about Melvin. I thought about the phrase, “I'm sweaty.” I had always been worried about that, always thought that that was stupid, but that was just what I had been told to say. Now, I imagined that the entire reason Chance liked me was because I used that phrase. I imagined that he imagined that I was sweaty from masturbating, like my facebook status about women having masturbation easy. This was the entire reason Melvin liked me. For something that wasn't really me.
I was worried about being so obsessed with Melvin while in a relationship with Todd. It made me feel bad. At the same time, Todd was obsessed with his ex. He would make negative comments about his ex. I knew he was just mad at her for leaving him. One time he asked, “Do you want to let the air out of her tires with me?”
Instead of being angry about this, it brought me peace. He was fixated on someone else. I was fixated on someone else. At the same time, we both liked each other, still. We enjoyed each other's company. The relationship worked.
In early 2014 I got on a roll programming my mobile app. Finally, I could program in Objective C! I spent long days working, and working, and working on my game.
I went to Lily's wedding in February of 2014. I was at Lily's house on Superbowl Sunday when I noticed a funny feeling in the air. The feeling of being important. Someone was thinking about me.
I went home and checked Melvin's photograph on facebook to feel the energy. I sensed myself in his aura. The energy popped, and hit me lightly between the eyes. He was thinking about me, alright.
For the next few days I kept checking, several times a day. I was in his aura. He was thinking about me. I kept checking it over and over again.
I would spend a lot of time staring at his picture, trying to feel the energy, sense all that I could sense from it. One night, I got an idea. Instead of just feeling it, I shot a bolt of energy at it. To my surprise, I got a burst of energy right back. I tried asking a question. How do you feel about me? When I received the energy back, I giggled, a girly giggle.
I became obsessive about checking his picture to picture read. It was fun. It was so intriguing that I knew when he was thinking about me just by looking at his picture. At least, I thought that was what it was. I had no verification that it meant anything at all.
I watched it become stronger at some times, weaker at others. Most of the time there was nothing. I felt the energy pop when it was strong. I would touch it, and it would touch me back. This happened when it was at its peak.
Todd and I broke up in mid-February following a facebook post and blogs I had written about love. He must of thought I thought I was in love with him. I told him that wasn't the case, but... we agreed to end it after we both admitted that we could never be in love with one another. We were just too different.
In late March, my psychiatrist decided to reduce my dosage of invega, the antipsychotic I was on, just to see how I did on a lower dose.
At the beginning, I had some side effects. Bouts of suicidal depression were the worst. I wasn't serious about suicide, but I thought about it a little. Troublesome dreams.
I had a dream that I was sitting at the table with my mom. She was telling me that I needed to start being “the earner.” Okay, I said. So I should start making money? No, you don't have to do that, she said. Then what should I earn?
She glared at me and said... “A check for five point eight million dollars.”
I woke up from this dream screaming. It got very tense as she said the last line. It scared me very badly because it seemed so random.
The depression vanished and made way to mild euphoria. I had increased energy. I worked out a lot, had the energy to work out, lost weight, gained a bunch of muscle mass. But even more beautiful was how I felt spiritually. I was a beautiful soul, and I could feel it.
I noticed increased psychic feelings. I enjoy these feelings, when they are not being distracting. Then, I noticed something even more glorious. I felt satisfaction with myself as a person. As I walked around, I carried around this glorious person with me. This glorious person was myself. It wasn't a narcissistic feeling, it wasn't the feeling that I was better than anyone else. More like, the feeling that I could be the likable main character in a novel. Sure, I wasn't perfect. But characters are never perfect, and their flaws make them more relatable and interesting. I also felt old. But when I feel old, it's a good thing. Kind of like, wise. I felt wise, and knowledgable, and a glorious feeling of grace that comes with age. Because as you get older, you feel more comfortable with yourself and with who you are. The thing is, these feelings weren't fake. I felt more self-confident, and better about myself, but it wasn't inflated self-esteem or well-being. It was genuine. What I felt was true. Because you realize, when you are young, and probably when you are old somewhat too, you don't realize how awesome you are. You doubt yourself. You focus on your flaws and feel worthless. You don't see your own beauty. But it's there. Your (inner) beauty is real, but you are blind to it. So this what this Invega withdrawal was, I was seeing something that was really there. I was feeling my own spiritual beauty. But it wasn't like, my spirit was any more beautiful than anyone else's. It wasn't a competition. Most people have beautiful spirits, but are blind to it.
This was how I felt. And it was beautiful.
The beautiful feeling made way into something else. Excruciating mental pain. I would go to the gym, and run. One time, I went to the gym, and while I ran, I was subjected to extreme, excruciating intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of people saying mean things about me, mean things about how I was fixated on facebook. One of the funny ones was, “Rachel makes fun of black people!” Now, this wasn't in any way, shape, or form true. But when I heard these thoughts, while running on the treadmill... they hit my brain in a certain way, they activated a certain neural pathway... that made no room for evaluation of whether or not the idea was true or false. I heard it, and I believed it, and I felt pain. And I thought, “No! People think I make fun of black people!” I heard people reading into everything I posted on facebook, and my blog, in horrible, horrible ways. Over and over again, in and out and in. I subjected myself to mental torture on the treadmill for about 30 minutes, before finally getting off. And then, I would go on walks. And towards the end of the walks, I would hear it again. The most ridiculous, unrealistic things said about me, but I was in no state to discern whether they were true or not. When they hit that one neural pathway, they were always true, at least immediately, in my mind.
It wasn't all bad though. I was in great shape. To show off, I posted some pictures of myself on facebook.
I would still check Chance's pictures often. Every once in awhile, I would check Adam's too. I checked Adam's one day, and for the first time, he was sending me energy.
I went out practicing driving with my dad, in high spirits. I was laughing about it. All this time, I was obsessed with Chance. And all this time, I actually liked Adam a lot better. All this time.
Then, something wonderful happened. The next day, Adam commented on one of my philosophical statuses.
I don't think there is a such thing as truth.
Holy confirmation!
At the most basic level of the universe, there is no truth. Only unlimited possibilities.
Someone else commented.
Truth is whatever two people agree on.
I wrote a comment, knowing that Adam would see it.
One time at the hospital this schizophrenic guy and I agreed that I was the messiah and he was my disciple. I liked having a disciple.
Adam replied.
If two people agreed on it, then it's true!
I liked this comment.
I read into this gesture big time. Adam had a crush on me. Adam had a crush on me! We were going to be together! He was going to ask me out! We were going to get married!
I didn't fully believe this, actually, but I was pretty hopeful. Adam was insanely intelligent. He wrote very witty comments and statuses a lot of the time. He had a sense of humor that I had a deep appreciation for.
I decided to try something. I went over to his profile, to try the energy-sending trick.
I asked, “How do you feel about me?”
The response astounded me. I moved automatically, without thinking about it, even in the slightest. Automatic movements. Without a thought, I picked up my hands, and did a pushing motion, while blowing with my lips. As in, he was backing off a bit because he was overwhelmed. Then, a laugh.
I tried it again. Exact same thing.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I tried again later, reading Adam in this way. No more backing off motion. Just a girly giggle, while twirling around strangely.
I tried Chance. I tried several times. Sometimes I would get a laugh. Other times, an orgasmic thrusting of the hips.
For the hell of it, I tried Brandon. I still had a bit of a crush on him, but I had majorly gotten over it, compared to how I used to be.
I asked how he felt about me. I slumped back in my seat. Then, I did the motions of a scream, without actually making any noise.
So that was it. That's how he felt. I terrified him. In a bad way. I must have creeped him out. Strangely enough, it didn't really bother me. In fact, I laughed really, really hard afterwards.
I did Jeremy, the popular guy from my high school classed I hooked up with last year. I laughed. Moved my hands around in a fun and crazy way, snapping my fingers. So that's what he thought. I didn't need to picture read him to know that. He thought I was fun.
I tried it on a lot of guys I knew. A lot of orgasmic thrusts. Some laughs. Some people seemed indifferent. Sometimes I would get an exalted feeling, which gave me the sense that they had a lot of respect for me. I did girls too. No orgasmic thrusts. Girls were harder to read. Laughs. Sometimes I would shake my head. Sometimes I would get random, jerky motions that were impossible to decipher.
So that was it. If this was real, if these readings were correct... I had unlimited access to a wealth of information people would pay a lot of money to have access to. I knew how people felt about me, whether or not they liked me, without having to ask. Real, honest opinions. Not bullshit.
This was the day the whole world fell into my lap.
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