Help Like Jesus: Part 25

What are we doing tonight, Rachel? We are not going to go to the mall again, are we? You used all your money? The mall it is! We went to the mall, ate steak at the Cheesecake Factory. A girl looked at me while I was talking to myself. I told her to stop looking at me in the mirror without permission, subconsciously. She looked at my hands. They were dirty and I wasn't washing them. They were not going to be washed since I didn't wash my hands after I went to the restroom. I looked at her and smiled. She walked away and laughed to herself at my inept ability to wash hands. She laughed so long it hurt her insides and she keeled over on the way out, and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. When she got home from the hospital, she couldn't wash her hands either because she lacked finger dexterity. At least, that's what my guides told me. As we were walking down the corridor, a man looked at me funny and smiled. He liked my attitude. My guides had been doing work on my aura. I noticed people staring at me funny, not because I was talking to myself, because I didn't always do that. My guides had put something else in my aura, something more noticeable than the Jesus rays. They said it was a certain sparkle. I looked at myself in the mirror, at my spiritually intelligent features. I was now proud of my appearance, now that they had told me I was spiritually intelligent looking. I walked out the door to meet my father and he was not there, so I left and walked over to the other side of the mall. I bought some ice cream and ate it without thinking too deeply about the food being consumed. We looked at the side of a building and shuttered. It showed a girl wearing little more than a thong, bra, and robe. What a mess, they told me. I thought that must be so embarrassing to be on the side of a store and have no clothes on but a robe. She looked at me and grinned, and I rubbed my leg and breathed heavily to show hunger of a sexual sort. I walked to the other end of the mall, and a girl whispered her name to herself. She said it so loudly I could hear subconsciously. I whispered my name to her, we locked eyes and breathed simultaneously. Then, I walked to the car to meet my dad. He told me he was going to pick me up, subconsciously. I looked at him. He was mad. I had taken too long, bought too much ice cream, and wore the wrong shoes for walking long distances. Look, I am only a woman of strong mental character. We like clothes that fit well, don't ride up along the seams, and wear out slowly. Then, a girl named Mariah spoke to me and told me I was not going to make it in the world because I was over the limit of my mental capacity in what I was about to do. She picked up that I was not that intelligent because I like Britney Spears. We went back to the house. When I got there, a girl was waiting for me named Margaret. She told me I was her mother, and she needed to go home from the play place. She looked at me and grinned, without eyes or a mouth or nostrils or anything of that sort. I looked at her and smiled, but did not see her, as she was invisible. I told her not to bother me, her mom was dead. Go home, babe. Go home. Then, we walked to the Quickee Mart. When we got there, an angel was waiting there. She told me I was the woman who was going to help rid the world of her problems, not hers, the worlds. When I got done with my energy drink, I licked the insides of the can and walked home. When I got home, we went on facebook, and my guides informed me of which guys on my facebook friend's list thought menstrual fluid was just blood. I laughed at their ignorance. Then, they told me which guys had misconceptions about the female sex experience. Which men thought the labia had the same sensations as the clitorus, which men thought sex for women was better because of the extreme tightness of the vagina and the intensity a woman must feel upon the penis entering... stuff to that regard. There were quite a few different misconceptions. I laughed at their ignorance. Then, my guides told me that I had a misconception about the male sex experience. I thought that sex for men must be better without lube, because it makes the vagina seem tighter. I stopped smiling and hung my head. I knew that, on a conscious level, sex without proper lubrication is uncomfortable for men. But on a subconscious level, I thought it would be better without lube. Chapter When I woke up one morning, there was a baby waiting for me. I had said previously how much I hate babies. They remind me of child molestation. When I look at parents oohing and ahhing over babies, I think of perverts sexually interested in children. I would not know if I wanted a kid, I might, but I wouldn't like them as babies. So now, here it was, a baby trying to enter my heart. “I want to help you! You need help loving us! We are cute! You should like us! Wahhh! It makes me unhappy that you don't like us! Wahhhh!” I don't want a baby in me, dammit. That is dumb. I hate babies. Yeah, a baby probably isn't a good idea, Salioness, my guides told me. “I want you to understand us! We are little people! You were a baby once! You need help understanding that babies are good, just underdeveloped mentally! Waaahhhh!” Get lost! Get lost! Get lost! Out! I moved around a little so the baby could not enter my heart. After awhile, it left. My guides told me that that was a really good idea not to let a baby enter your heart. If you let a baby enter your heart, it will make you act selfish and immature. A little while later, the angel Moroni came to me to talk. “I was just playing when I told Joseph Smith that stuff! I didn't expect him to believe me!” He was laughing pretty hard. Was that really the angel Moroni? I asked my guides. We do not know that. But we do know one thing. Moroni was a joking angel. He could very well have come to Joseph Smith in a joking manner, we don't know if that was really him though. Chapter You should talk to Erik. He is going to be a key player in the guardianship trial. What should I talk to him about? Channeling? No, not channeling, my guides told me. Masturbating, a spirit whispered behind me. I sent out a wisp from my chakra to get it off. We laughed a little bit. That was a funny one, you should cross that one over. I called him back, and crossed him over. Later, I was downstairs in the kitchen. Get some more coffee, now. Should I brush my teeth afterwards? Later. What do I need now? Plastic surgery, a spirit said behind me. I brushed him off. That was a mean spirit. The kind we don't want in heaven. As I was walking to the Quickee Mart, I was approached from behind by a spirit. Who are you? I asked the spirit. PCP. Why are you talking to me? I am trying to tell you that you would be better off doing PCP. What do you mean? This experience would be better on PCP. What was that about? My guides answered me, the spirits of different things can come and tell you things too, like brands, fictional characters, etc. They don't have consciousness, but the energy created by the idea is very real and acts like programmed energy in this state. One time, after a session of energy work, Superman came to tell me I was acting too much like him, get your own career! Another time, after I hadn't done energy work for awhile, he came to tell me I wasn't acting enough like him, step up my game a little. When I was at the farmer's market that one day, escaping the spell onslaughts, Santa Claus told me he liked me better than his friends like him. I was lying on my bed when I heard “Abercrombie and Fitch” softly in my ear. Hi. Who are you? Abercrombie and Fitch. What do you want to say? You are not the kind of person I want wearing my clothes. What's wrong with me? You're not beautiful. And... Not rich? No, that's a good one, but not what I mean. Popular? No. Stuck up? Exactly. You are supposed to be excessively stuck up. A bunch of random spiritual things of this sort came to me, but they weren't inventive enough to be very interesting at all, mostly. I was getting rid of unneeded crush cords when I heard the words “eighth grade.” Who are you? Eighth grade. What do you have to say? I liked you. You were interesting. Why did you like me? You liked people more than you like them now. Later, I hear the word “azkaban.” I like your style. What do you mean? You used to be mean to me now you're not mean anymore. Why was I mean to you? You didn't like the idea of me. That's not the spirit of Azkaban, that's just a spirit. The spirits are getting creative! Chapter I went in to see my psychiatrist again. I was desperate, desperate, desperate to get my invega reduced, so I could get a high similar to that on Adderall. This was fun. I was having a good time, a little bit. But... I didn't feel good on a chemical level, my neurotransmitters were out of whack, and I don't like the idea of being on a medication that increases my appetite, makes me tired, and makes me less creative. So, I asked again. Can I have an Invega reduction? He was for it, but hesitant. He looked at my aura. It was glowing, beautiful, and I was starting to develop a halo. He knew this was a good sign, though he didn't know what the colors actually meant. He told me no. We had to wait on this one. It was too soon out of the hospital. He believed that I was talking to my spirit guides, though I didn't tell him a whole lot about that. When I left, I was downtrodden. I had tried, to no avail. We went to Dr. Winkelman, my naturopath. He would zap my brain, getting rid of the brain damage from the Geodon and the antidepressants, as well as from other various medications I had taken. My guides said most of the damage was from Geodon. I knew this to be true, because I knew it had fucked me up badly being on Geodon, to the point where I would not understand how my brain functioned so poorly. When I got to the naturopaths, I was walking up the staircase, ahead of my mom. Bob Marley whispered in my ear, “I will help you, if you want me to.” I smiled. “How can you help me?” “I know a lot about how to sway the masses in your favor. And I can prepare you for your fate when the time comes.” I smiled and said okay. “You can help me, I'd like that.” I walked up the rest of the staircase, and into the naturopath's office for a zapping, where we went over the possible causes of my relapse, including excessive nicotine consumption and energy drink use. My mom believed these were the culprits behind my “relapse.” When I got home from the naturopath, I went to the Quickee Mart. I saw a man in a car wave at me and wondered if it was because he thought I was attractive. I asked my guides. He liked the way you looked. Not in a sexual way, but because there was something appealing about your aura. We bought an energy drink, sat down and gulped. My guides told me something important. You need to stop worrying about the invega. He will take you off it soon. We think. God said you don't have to go off it yet. But you will soon. God told you this? Yes. You can talk to God, if you want. I went home, and went up to my room, to talk to God. Find God. He is right here. Kind of tricky to reach. After groping around in the dark for awhile, I established a connection to God. Hello, Rachel. You are my favorite. I wanted to tell you that. I love you more than I love anyone else on Earth. Really? Yes. I love Melvin just as much though, and Adam in a different way. Do you love everyone? No, I hate quite a few people, and dislike quite a few more. Do you like Brandon? No, I hate that guy. He is a whiney bastard. Do you like my mom? I love your mom, she is so caring! Do you like George W Bush? I love him very much. I have something to tell you. We are friends. You are going to eat sugar a little bit less now that you are out of that state you were in a couple days ago. Now, I need you to stop worrying so much about your weight. It will come off. I think you need to stop worrying about the Invega, as well. We will get you off that stuff. Another thing is, you are good at what you do in the restroom, because it means more cavities and more toothpaste in the long run. What? I need to brush my teeth? Not really, I was joking. Your body does not make cavities anymore, you have fought off the microorganisms that cause tooth decay. You still need to brush your teeth though, that's grody. What else do I need to know? I want to see you with your mind in the gutter a little bit more, masturbating. You have a lot of sexual energy that needs to be gotten rid of, and you are not doing that. But I don't want to, they are watching me! Get over it, they always watch you! Another thing, I am the God of the bible, ask me anything. Is everything in the bible true? The new testament is true. The old testament is mythology, mostly. Some stories are based on real people, some are made up. I did not make them up, I got a spirit in that works well with fictional stories and literature. I know you want to know about the food rules, there were food rules back in the day. Not the same ones established in Leviticus, though. Those are not the original food rules. I took them back for spiritual reasons, something about something akin to spiritual planes, like what you are going through. There was a spiritual shift that meant their bodies were better equipped at handling those foods. Did Jesus really perform miracles? Not miracles, stuff that looked like miracles but really wasn't. Stuff you would call miracles if you understood it, so yes. Did Jesus really feed thousands with just a couple fish and loaves of bread? Not really, but yes. He fed more than you would expect with little food, it was greatly exaggerated in the bible. What did Jesus do after he died? He came up to heaven, met me, we had a few laughs, and he watched for quite awhile before moving on to another dimension. Were you good friends? Not the best, but pretty damn close, like you and I. One more thing. You need more happiness in your life, do not hesitate to watch the Simpsons never again, you don't like that show anymore. Watch South Park. Chapter Well, Salioness. Time to wonder about Marvin. Who's Marvin? Your boyfriend from a past life. He's calling out to you. Well, well, well. Where are you now, little girl? I'm on the Earth plane doing a mission. You are so good, aren't you, little girl? Well, pretend, dear boy. You and I are through. It's over. Well, well, well, little girl. When are you going to deliver the sermon on marital sex? Never, dear boy. That was it. I was sitting downstairs, when I heard someone in my mind yell, “shallow!” What was that? I asked. Someone from a past life was accusing you of being shallow. A lover. Why would he say something like that? Because of your boyfriend Brandon, and his hot body. That's not why I like him. We know. He is just being an asshole. I was walking outside when I heard a funny woofing noise. My guides told me it was my dog from a past life. Woof woof woof My friend Rachel is having a fun time woof woof woof! What is that dog saying? I asked. It says it loves you, Salioness. I was walking to the store, when I heard a dog saying my name over and over again. I asked what that was. They said it was my lover's dog pretending I was there. “What are you doing, Rachel?” my mom asked me as I was lying awake in the computer room, lusting over Melvin because they told me it was okay. “Making sure I leave a little room on the couch for my pillowcase,” I said. “Okay, don't sleep too long!” Chapter I was walking down the street, and an angel entered me from behind. It said I needed help with my body's ability to fight infection. The rapid change in spiritual planes was creating havoc in my body. When I got to Potbelly, I went to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I watched myself in the mirror as an angel entered my body. It told me I needed help with my cardiovascular system. On the way back, the angels told me I was doing well but needed more fluids. When I got back to the house, I went up to my room. I was sitting in my annex, or my office, when ghosts started appearing around me. This is a very ghostly room, we noticed. When I got back to my regular room, we did some energy work. We cut the cord to one of the ideas in quantum mechanics. I didn't understand it on a subconscious level. The idea was something related to how you need a whole mirror to see one piece of the reflection. If you cut it, it still work, but each piece of the reflection uses the whole mirror to show, I mistook that on a subconscious to mean if you cut it it didn't work. Not really, but subconsciously... and it was translating over to my use of nicotine gum. I didn't like cutting them in half, because it made them ineffective, because of the rule in quantum mechanics, on a subconscious level. It removed some of the placebo effect of the gum, making it not effect me as much when I cut the 4 milligram pieces in half. So I cut that cord, yep I did. I created a cord between my mother and my father of happy love. Not a love cord, they told me that it is rare for a married couple to have a love cord. I know one married couple who has a love cord, and only one. My best childhood friends, Patty and Debi, had parents who have a love cord. My guides told me one time that they liked the song The Sweetest Thing by U2 because it reminded them of their parents, because they were very much in love. They told me I have two love cords, not romantic love, friendship love. One to Matthew. Another to a random guy I met at the dorms once. We apparently hit it off and created a love cord. Later, we did not stay in touch. We now have a love cord. Funny, they said. You don't know him. But we aren't going to get rid of it, because removing those kinds of cords is bad practice. I also followed a cord they wanted me to follow. I could also follow cords with my mind to see who they were attached to. This is a happy cord. Follow it! My guides said. I followed the happy cord. When I got to the end, I saw a man with red hair. It was Carrot Top. You have a happy cord to Carrot Top! One more cord. A happy cord. I followed the cord. It went to Courtney Love. You also have a happy cord to Courtney Love! When we were through, I went back to my random place in my mind where I held my secret crush of Eminem. He is a good guy, but he has problems dealing with people. We love him, he is a great guy. He is very underestimated by society for his great powers in the mind. No, he does not hate women. And no, it's not his mom, that makes him act that way, or Kim. It's because of the way groupies treat him. They are disgusting, groupies. He does not respect them at all. They throw themselves at him. That's why he says mean things about women. He is a good guy for friendship with you. We think he would like you. When we did the picture trick with you, we just threw that in for good measure. We don't really think he wouldn't like you. He is my friend, I told them. Don't be mean when it comes to people I really, really like. He will be your friend, but don't tell him you like him in any way except as friends. He would not be a good romantic partner for you.