Christmas break went on for an eternity. At home, my parents started really getting on my nerves. They thought that my medication had helped me stop being delusional. The way they saw it, I had become delusional and then realized that I was delusional, and somewhere in between that point I had started taking medication. Therefore, the medication had made me come to the realization that I was delusional. This was proof that the medication did something. It drove me absolutely crazy that they thought that because it was so untrue.
My mom told me she thought it would just be great if I made a career out of developing medications that better treated my condition. Something about her saying this bugged the shit out of me. That was absolutely the last thing I was going to do. I would rather shovel horse poop all day than develop medications that better treated my “condition.”
Another thing that really bugged me was when they had suggested that they understood stuff that I had experienced better than I did because they were looking at it from a perspective where they were thinking clearly. This blew my mind. They had no concept of anything that I had experienced. They didn’t even know what thinking clearly meant. I had been thinking clearly and logically the whole time. It was just a different sort of logic than they were used to. The things I was thinking made sense. They just didn’t understand them because they didn’t see my thought processes. I remembered how they had thought that I thought that my ex-boyfriend Matthew was the same Matthew as in the bible. That wasn’t what I had meant at all. But by saying that I was going to use Matthew’s rabid wolf line for years to come, I was making a bible reference. They didn’t understand that. I got the impression that whatever they thought that I had been thinking was nonsensical gibberish.
I didn’t think that they realized certain things about what had happened. The entire time I knew what I was doing. I knew that crying out to Brandon on my livejournal made me look crazy. But I pushed myself to. I knew how strange I would look if I suddenly got religious in a household that considered that kind of thing to be silly. But I did it anyway. I knew that doing these things would stir things up, but I trusted myself. Because I never had before, and it was time I learned.
I ate lunch with my mom at a restaurant. She told me I needed a boyfriend who was supportive of my condition and accepted that I needed to be on medication. This was driving me crazy. I didn’t think I needed to be on medication either. I told my mom she didn’t question things enough. She said she did question things. She questioned Scientology. How ridiculous. Everyone questioned Scientology. It was the norm to think Scientology was crazy. She didn’t think I had questioned it. Erik had brainwashed me. I used to laugh and joke about Scientology along with them. I told her I had questioned it, I had gone on and on trying to tell Erik that Scientology was bad. But then Irealized that I didn’t know. And when I laughed about Scientology, I was being ignorant. I wasn’t saying it was something good. I was admitting that it was something I didn’t understand. My mom told me I should have been more persistent in trying to convince Erik that Scientology was bad.
She was going on and on and I was getting sick of it. I waited for her to stop. Then I looked her in the eyes. “Beev. I don’t have a mental illness.” Beev was a nickname I had come up with for my mom when I was thirteen. It had caught on and to this day we still call her that. She was absolutely shocked. She sat there and stared at me for a very long time. She couldn’t believe it. All the progress that I had made at Innercept had been derailed, she said. I laughed to myself and thought, “What progress?”
“What about all those manic episodes you had? What about the icosahedron?” I was repulsed by her stupidity. How does dreaming about a geometric object make you mentally ill?
My mom was very sad. Very upset. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I may have to let go.”
I thought she meant she was going to stop trying so hard to control me. I got excited. “So are you going to get rid of the guardianship?”
“No. That won’t be happening for a long time. You’re not competent.” And in this moment, I knew that I was going to have to end up fighting it myself. I knew that I was going to have to do everything in my power to free myself.
I came home from a walk one day. I found my parents sitting in the computer room listening to Erik’s dad’s radio show. I went in and sat down. My parents kept making comments about how crazy this guy was. But listening to him, I was fighting the urge to smile. Sure this guy seemed kind of crazy but there was something about it that fascinated me so.
My mom showed me a piece of paper. I was a printout of the F’s from the classes I had skipped. They were going to pull me out of Innercept because they were supposed to prevent this kind of thing. And they talked about moving me back to Portland. I wanted to stay in Coeur d’Alene, but the only reason I wanted to was for Erik. After several days of trying to convince them to let me stay, they told me I absolutely had to move back home. The Scientologist had corrupted my thinking.
What my parents didn’t realize was that the issue of my “mental illness” was an issue that would inevitably ruin my relationship with them. And that at this point, if I had to choose between them and Erik, I was willing to pick Erik.
Something occurred to me. I remembered how Brandon had blocked me on myspace. I actually had written him a message on there. It was back when I was waiting to die from aspirin overdose. I was hysterical and I was also drinking. I was writing him a message, and I don’t even remember most of what I wrote. The thing was, I never pressed send. I decided that sending this message was really a bad idea. And I closed the window without pressing send. He hadn’t had me blocked there at that point. I was very proud of this decision later. But then I was worried that it had somehow got sent to him anyway, like through a glitch or something. And then I looked and he had blocked me there too. I couldn’t get up the nerve to look at my sent message folder to see if the message was in there.
This was something that had worried me on and off and stressed me out greatly. But I had decided that it wouldn’t have gotten sent, he had just blocked me on there too because he didn’t want to hear from me anymore. But now, I thought it would make sense if it had. And I realized I wasn’t completely over caring what Brandon thought, because the idea that he had gotten this message really bothered me. I felt a great amount of anguish, and I curled up in a ball and tugged at my hair like I was trying to pull it out.
For whatever reason, the situation with Crystal had come to the forefront of my mind. I was thinking about how ridiculous it was that she had put puke in front of my door for smirking at her when she was giving me that look. I couldn’t get it off my mind. I started thinking about it constantly, practically all day long for several days straight. It was just the most ridiculous thing. Then, I started to think about how it wasn’t really Crystal’s fault. After all, she was being influenced.
My mom had an appointment and dropped me off at the mall with some money so I could hang out. I walked around listening to the song “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry on repeat, while thinking about my current situation. I felt very at peace, and I was aware that I was carrying myself in a way that might seem odd.
I didn’t go in a lot of stores. Usually in this situation I would want to buy caffeine, but something stopped me from doing that. I didn’t want the caffeine to mess with my perceptions. I didn’t want to artificially enhance what I was experiencing. I bought a necklace that contained a charm of a bird cage and then a bird outside of the cage, to represent my impending freedom.
I kept wandering, and switched over to the song “Till I Collapse” by Eminem. I was thinking intensely about Crystal. I kept thinking and thinking about her. It was so weird that I couldn’t get her off my mind. I remembered when she came in the dining center that day on her cell phone shortly before my delusions started, and how I had gotten that feeling from her. That feeling like this girl had crap in her stomach. I started concentrating really hard on the feeling while listening to this song. The feeling of Crystal kept getting stronger.
Then, something happened. I was thinking about the feeling of Crystal and how she had crap in her stomach, when suddenly the feeling changed. She no longer had crap in her stomach! I felt something, like love. I suddenly felt like Crystal and I were best friends in the entire world. The feeling you would have for your best friend. This girl didn’t have crap in her stomach, that was all in my head. The feeling I had about her before wasn’t real.
When I suddenly felt love for Crystal, I got chills in my body. They started from my chest and went up through the top of my head. And I started grinning like a crazy person.
All this happened while I was listening to the Eminem song, so I kept listening to that song to try to hold on to that feeling. So that I could keep projecting love to Crystal.
A long time later, I found out this was one of these strange moments between people. She called out to me to talk to me on a subconscious level, we exchanged a few kind words, and then hung up. Previously, all subconscious communication from her to me had been hateful.
For a long time I had been telling myself that I didn’t hate Crystal, the girl I hated was Olivia. But I realized, my opinion of Crystal had been much lower than my opinion of Olivia.
I felt an energy change after this, like I was vibrating at a different frequency. For the rest of the day I kept getting flashes of the Crystal feeling.
This whole thing made me think of how my sister told me she had looked at Erik’s picture and gotten a really bad feeling about him. I knew that Erik wasn’t bad and every sign seemed to indicate to me that he was the person I was supposed to be with, despite what my family thought. I realized that my sister getting a bad feeling about Erik was like me getting a bad feeling about Crystal. These feelings weren’t based on truth.I knew why this was happening. I had to listen to myself and trust myself. I needed to do what I thought was right for myself and not what was expected with me. It was the same exact thing as when I was writing on my livejournal when I first started developing misconstrued ideas. I was well aware that people wouldn’t understand what I was saying and they would think it was crazy. They would laugh at me. My sister and her friend laughed at me because they didn’t understand what was going on and suggested that I had been drinking too much. But I continued to believe in myself and what I was experiencing and do what I felt the urge to do deep inside. This was the thing I felt like other people didn’t understand about what I had experienced. The degree of trust I had to have in myself. And despite everything that had happened, I still trusted myself. I saw how everything had happened on purpose. And I trusted my own judgment that there was something good about Erik and that he was right for me.
I was going to move back to Idaho with Erik. But first, I had to get rid of the guardianship. I had to find a way to secure an attorney who would represent me for free.
Before I could start working on getting an attorney, something happened. Something similar to the enlightenment came back. The skin on my face felt the same way, the same thing happened to my lips, I smelled the same smell, and sometimes I would even get that taste in my mouth again.
I kept thinking about Crystal staring at me like she was terrified of me. Originally, I had thought it was funny. But the more I thought about it, it started to freak me out. It represented something really dark. Crystal didn’t realize she was giving me that look. She thought I was looking at her funny and smirking because of the exchange on facebook. And she thought it was so stupid that I would do that that she put puke in front of my door.
It was like my dream at the beginning of my book with the moving photograph. At first I thought it was cool. Then I showed it to my mom and I realized it was something not cool at all.
I remembered Chance from eighth grade. When he said my name I would sometimes laugh because I thought it was weird. It made me feel less invisible. So I kind of liked it because of the attention. But really, Chance was being very nasty. It was not something he did to be nice.
The thing with Chance and the thing with Ted represented the same concept. These things were both very negative forms of attention.
I realized something else: Brandon was my soul mate. That’s why I fell for him so fast and could never really get over him.
Brandon didn’t hate me after all. I had been wrong about that. This whole thing just kept changing in my mind and I didn’t know what to believe anymore. My beliefs were no longer fixed, they were fluid.
A psychic on the internet had told me that Brandon was my soul mate. She had told me we were soul mates but there was some sort of negativity between us keeping us apart that needed to be cleaned up. She said she was going to do it for free. But then she got so frustrated with me she changed her mind.
But that was why Brandon kept forgiving me over and over again in the past life. He forgave me way more than most people would have for what I had done. It was because we had a connection that was so incredibly deep.
Brandon had stopped reading my messages when I started going on and on about blow jobs because that stuff bothered him. But he didn’t hate me. Brandon could never hate me. Just like I could never hate Brandon.
I had always paid attention to which people from the sixth floor of Bernard still had me as a friend on facebook. Brandon did not have me as a friend anymore, obviously. Olivia did not. And another guy did not.
I had noticed something else when looking at my friends list. There was another guy who was friends with someone from the sixth floor who would visit us all the time, who still did have me as a friend on facebook. The only other people he had as friends was the guy he was originally friends with, Brandon, Olivia, and the other guy who had removed me. For whatever reason, he still also had me as a friend. I got the impression that he had gone through and removed people as friends from the sixth floor. He didn’t remove the guy he was originally friends with. He didn’t remove the other three people because he still hung around them. And he didn’t remove me, because he knew about my issues and he knew there was something about this that was just too weird. Or so I was just thinking.
I remembered how back when I was still in college, I had written on his wall for his birthday. It was around this time of year. He had written something on my wall afterward. So I went on facebook and checked to see when his birthday was, and it was coming up. I had to make some sort of reminder for myself so that I could remember to write on his wall for his birthday, with a really unique creative birthday greeting. I was good at unique, creative birthday greetings.
Then I got a weird idea. Maybe this guy would write back to me. And maybe he still hung around Brandon. Back when I was writing to Brandon, I had sent him one about the nightmare he had about me, and how I knew about it. However, Brandon hadn’t been reading (or so I was thinking). So he still didn’t know about it. So what I could do was, maybe this one guy would write back to me, and he still hung out with Brandon. This guy could say he had a nightmare about me. Then describe the exact dream that Brandon had. That would be so funny!
A little bit later, I got on the computer and started writing to Erik about this guy and the idea I had. Something really weird happened. As I was sitting there, my browser suddenly went back a page without me touching anything. It went back to the one guy’s facebook profile. I started to freak out.
Erik tried to calm me down. Then, I was looking at this guy’s profile, and I noticed something. This guy had just gotten engaged nine days ago. That was pretty recent. I didn’t even have to wait for his birthday, I could write him a weird congratulatory message for being engaged now. I checked with Erik to make sure nine days ago wasn’t too long to write this type of greeting, and we both agreed it wasn’t.
I wrote on his wall:
I hope you have a marriage that brings great spiritual fulfillment, great spiritual growth, great spiritual wisdom, great spiritual understanding, and great spiritual joy so deep it brings tears to your eyes.
So now, all I had to do was wait.
In my mind, I was seeing the time a few days ago when I was at the mall. How I was walking, and the way I was carrying myself, and the way I suddenly started grinning when I felt love for Crystal. I was imagining Brandon being at the mall, up above at the food court, and then looking down and seeing me, and witnessing this. And he was thinking about how much he liked me. I knew it was unrealistic to believe that this had happened, but this image was in my head so strongly. I began some sort of process related to suspension of hard belief. Hold an idea lightly in my mind.
Brandon and I were going to be together. I was going to get what I always wanted.
And in doing so, I was going to have to break Erik’s heart. That’s what made this victory… bittersweet. Like the song Bittersweet Symphony.
I didn’t sleep much at all that night. I stayed up, and I bawled, and I bawled, and I bawled, and I bawled. I did not want to hurt Erik. I loved him too much to be able to do this to him.
Because now I remembered what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to sacrifice Erik’s happiness for my own. In the same way that people think Jesus was sacrificed for themselves. Erik was twenty-eight and this was the first relationship he had been in. He would never be with another girl after me. There was something about him that turned girls off that I was blind to. My mom had had dinner with Erik and I, and she had thought that he was horrible. But I didn’t understand why she would have thought that. To me he was just great. But he was arrogant. He was judgmental. And his standards were way too high. He thought most girls were whores. Which was weird that he didn’t have a problem with me.
Whenever I would see him, I would give him a blow job. It was apparently like the best thing ever. I would blow his mind. It was just so unbelievably good. He had told me that when he jacks off now, it is kind of disappointing, because it is not what I do. Now, I knew he would never have sex. He would always have to jack off to get off, and it would always be disappointing. I had ruined sex for him.
Sure, I would be with Brandon. I would be with my soul mate. We would be happy. But Erik would not. For the rest of my life, Erik would long for me, but he would never be with me. It would be a never-ending cavalcade of loneliness, depression, and bittersweet memories of me. This made me so sad.
I started texting Erik:
Rachel: Erik come to Oregon. We need to have sex.
Erik: You’re just horny again.
Rachel: No. You will regret it if you don’t.
Erik: How come?
Rachel: Oh God, Erik. See I am aware of what is supposed to happen right now and you are not. You signed up for this, Erik.
Erik: And what’s supposed to happen?
Rachel: I really love you, Erik, but I know what is supposed to happen.
Erik: Stop being nebulous, what do you mean?
Rachel: I really don’t want to put you through this. Come see me, Erik.
Erik: Breathe, collect your thoughts, and tell me what’s going on. You’re thinking of going for Brandon or something?
Rachel: I think this is what will happen. I will go for Brandon, and leave you. And you will always miss me. That is what makes the whole thing bittersweet. Like the song Bittersweet Symphony.
Erik: I love you Rachel, but I will not be coerced emotionally into driving to you just to have sex so you can get out of your head.
God! Erik was not getting it.
Erik: How are you going to get in touch with Brandon, and when are you going to talk to him?
Rachel: I am not sure what is going to happen, I think it has to do with facebook.
Erik: Okay, you need to stop pretending. Stop telling me how you’re not deciding things in your life. And how things are “going to happen.” You make your decisions.
Rachel: You will see.
Erik: You make the things happen in your life. You are NOT your namesake. You are not a lamb. You wanted out of Innercept, look what happened. You got out. Now you’re acting like you don’t want me in your life, and yes that makes me upset. Because that decision, that thought alone from you, means you want it that way. I have tried so hard to tell you how powerful you really are, and you don’t believe me. And now you’re trying to destroy this because you can’t explain to me this situation, or don’t want to, because you now want to be with this Brandon guy who didn’t want shit to do with you, doesn’t know you, and probably forgot you even existed. And I’m concerned when you talk with him, the reaction you’re going to get is going to be so opposite what you want, you’re going to shut everyone out of your life. I’m done. I’m not saying anything else, because I’ll probably say something I will regret because it will hurt you. When you make your choice, please let me know.
Erik: I actually have one more thing I need to say to show you how powerful you are. Just recently you told me we should pretend to break up, or at least stop talking to each other. And just like that, you brought a situation about that could cause that. Why do you doubt my faith in your ability to control your life when you keep displaying such power? Why do you continually think that life isn’t in your own hand, but rather the spirits, when you do such things?
I sat and thought about this for a few minutes. Then I picked up my cell phone and sent Erik another text.
Rachel: It makes perfection.
Erik: Perfection? I don’t understand that. Rachel. These situations create perfection on a spiritual level. It takes good and bad emotions to balance out.
This was something I had been wondering previously about the spirit world. Spirits will everything into existence. So why do they will things that cause such horrible pain? Because it takes pain to create perfection. Erik’s pain, in contrast to the Brandon and my joy, would create perfection.
Erik: You didn’t answer my question exactly though… I get and agree that both good and bad situations temper our existence and growth.
Rachel: I am never going to stop loving you. Erik I can’t plan these things out ahead of time. They just happen.
Erik: YES YOU CAN Rachel, dammit! You make a danged decision and stick with it! Like I did with you! You MAKE the fucking world accept your decision. Only a victim lets things just happen.
Rachel: In this case it does not work that way.
Erik: I love you Rachel, please don’t let me go. Just make a choice, me. I’ll make your life incredible.
Rachel: I hope I can do that, Erik. I really do.
Erik: Choose. That’s all. You going to sleep now?
Rachel: Yeah.
Erik: Okay hun. I’ve made as good a case as I can.
I put down the phone and fell asleep. I woke up again an hour and a half later, and without even a second thought I picked up the phone and began texting Erik. He surprised me by responding right away.
Rachel: Erik I have been thinking. I really hope I am right.
Erik: About what?
Rachel: Honestly I have always wanted to be with this guy more than anything else. But I don’t want it if it means hurting you.
Erik: I love you so much.
Rachel: I hope you are right and that I do have a choice about this.
Erik: One thing I will guarantee you, you always have a choice. I’m talking from extensive multi-life knowledge here. Some choices may be less desirable, or cause more pain than others, but you ALWAYS have a choice in your life.
Rachel: I hope you are right, Erik. I do choose you.
Erik: Thank you hun, so much. I’m actually crying right now, that makes me so happy.
Rachel: Oh God Erik I love you.
Erik: I love you too Rachel, with my heart and soul.
Rachel: Oh God I wish we were together right now.
Erik: You and me both, minx. I would make you moan for an hour, that’s how much I love you right now.
Rachel: I was thinking you would never find another girl who wanted to be with you. You would long for this short period of time when we were together. It was so short.
Erik: I was thinking how hard it was finding you, and that I’d have to settle for some dumb bimbo so I didn’t end up a thirty year old virgin… And it made me sad.
Rachel: Twenty-three!
Erik: Hahahaha you beat me to it, I noticed it too!
Rachel: I love you.
Erik: No, I love YOU!
I realized that the stuff that I had thought about me having to break up with Erik, and him being lonely and longing for me for the rest of his life, was not true. But these things that I believed, I believed them for a reason. Because in the end, the fact that we had gone through this together brought us so much closer. The next day, I was texting Erik about every five minutes to tell him I loved him.
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