Help Like Jesus: Part 13

“But I need to breathe oxygen! The oxygen level is so low here!”

“Don't use your skin, that is foolishness. Use your mouth.” And she inhaled and exhaled deeply.

When I did this, I felt better. I put my clothes back on. Now, a girl came and spoke to me, from another ward. She told me I was going to be moved into a better ward right now.

I wandered down the hall behind her, and was taken to a ward. There was a small corridor that went around in a loop, with rooms along the outside. In the center, there was a restroom. The rooms were nicer and more spacious.

God spoke to me.

Now, you are going to do something for me tonight that I need done. You are going to live a life of turmoil, and then replenish yourself from the ashes.

I'm going to hell?

No, not hell. But a dark, dark place.

I remembered my belief about how no one can knowingly go to hell. Maybe God was lying to me?

I know what you are thinking, and it's not true. Hell is a fantasy. Don't think that is something I can't get around, Rachel. You need to think outside the idea of just one place that makes you go crazy. You hate that belief, Rachel. But you are fixated, fixated, fixated.

I said, I know you are a good god, but are you good to me? What if I am the female Jesus, who needs to be sacrificed to hell for all of eternity, so that the rest of humanity can live in the eternal bliss of heaven?

That's not how it works, Rachel. I don't sacrifice a good soul so that someone else can have a good time. You think sick, Rachel. You think sick. Don't think I would do something like that to my favorite human.

How do I know you are telling the truth? I know there is something funny going on, something bad and I don't like it. I want to know what is going on, and I think I do. I am being sacrificed to hell tonight.

Not really, no. It's not what you are thinking. Don't even go there. Now, you need cheese. Go eat some cheese.

I went over to the desk and asked for some string cheese. I ate it in my room. I was going through calories like crazy.

God spoke to me again. Now, do not eat any more for awhile, your body needs to be prepared for what you are about to go through.

I walked down the corridor to the restroom. It was locked. “Yo! I need to use the restroom!” They unlocked it for me, and I took a shower.

I got out of the shower, dried off and dressed, and went back to my room. My guides were talking to me. They were talking about the time an evil spirit entered my body.

It was when you said something that made you find out that it was wrong, but funny. They laughed at you, for saying something so dumb.

I racked my brain. Then, I came up with it. It was a time we were at my mom's friends house, and she mixed up two of her friends. I said, “It's okay Mom, I get mixed up with them too!” And she laughed really, really hard. I was embarrassed as all hell for awhile afterwards.

As I was thinking about it now, I realized what I was thinking, that made me think it was common to get confused with these two women. They were both fat and ugly.

I called my mom on the phone. “Hey, Beev, I have a story for you.” And I told her the story, about how we both got them confused because they were both fat and ugly.

She got mad. I tried to smooth it over. “I mean, they're great people, but they're not attractive physically.”

She wouldn't admit that they were ugly. She left abruptly, and I thought it was okay. Later, I found out that she had been asleep, and she told my sister that I called her and told her to kill herself.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a woman who knew her fate. She was going to be sacrificed to hell to save heathens. Hell, for all of eternity. To save the low lives. Because she was that good.

I walked back to my room. Now, said my spirit guides. You need to eat something really quick, and then do something you did at home and liked!

Eat soap?

Bingo.

I ate dinner, and then went to the bathroom. I ate some of the soap from the soap dispenser, and went back to my room.

Now, you are going to be astounded by how well this works. Now, you are going to eat something you actually like the taste of, but wouldn't want to tell anyone.

Hmm. Toughy. I racked my brain and couldn't think of anything.

Your own urine.

Okay, okay, okay. Gross, yes. But would I do it to save my own life? Yes, yes I would. I was more than willing to do it in this situation.

I went to the bathroom to consume my own urine. I sat down on the chair by the toilet, peed freely, and stuck my hand in my urine and ate just a tad.

Is that enough?

That's quite good.

When I went to leave, I stopped at the door, instead of opening it, I unconsciously knocked three times. Knock on wood, I thought. Oh my God, that's a bad sign! Knocking is something you do for luck. You wouldn't think that you would do something like that and it would be a bad sign. But the way I interpreted it was, “Good luck, you'll need it!” This wasn't my guides talking, it was me.

I went back to my room, and started consuming random food items they told me to eat. Juice, and crackers. I licked the salt off the crackers, thinking it was the salt I needed. I imagined this being like the TV show Breaking Bad, where they cook meth, and all the intricate chemical concoctions they make. I imagined I was making a chemical concoction in my stomach, to rid myself of the medication. My guides said that's what it was for, I didn't quite believe them, but I wondered. I imagined I needed soap, a little bit of urine, salt from saltines, and these three fruit juices.

Well, well. You are not having a good time, now are you? My guides told me.

I am worried. What is going to happen to me? Am I going to die? Is the soap going to kill me?

No, it won't kill you. You will be impressed with how well this works. You need to make sure they don't inject you with medication. If they inject you with medication, it's all over.

Simultaneously, while wondering if I was going to be sacrificed to hell for all of eternity, I wondered if other people really existed. Where did they go when I wasn't around? Did they cease to exist? What did they tell each other when I wasn't there? Was it gibberish? Where do they go when they go to the bathroom? Is that when they replenish their ghostly mana? Why was I the only one on Earth? Where was I? Was this Earth? Was this hell? Where did I exist before this? Where was I going to go from here? To hell? Why? To save no one? To make the other people exist? Where did they go when I was gone? Did they die each time I left, then come back to life when I was around? Did they have no conscious thoughts, but minds programmed like a computer? Were they used to being talked about on my own terms? Were they not used to having people look at them straight in the eye? Were they cute, ugly, fun, intelligent, dumb, witty, funny, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead....

When I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, I saw the face of a girl, the only girl in the world. Why? Why didn't they believe I was the second coming? Did they not see it in me? Were they only there to help, hurt, molest, harm? Were we going to make it out alive, me and my spirit guides? What would happen to me? Would the evil people inject me with medication? If they did that, I knew for sure, I would stop believing in the existence of other people for good. When would I believe I existed with other people again? When would that happen? Would I ever believe that again? When would I realize that I was being self-centered? Never, because who was to say I was being self-centered. I was the only one who existed.

It went on and on like this.

Now, my guides told me. There is something you need to do. You have an STD. One you secretly love.

What a weird statement. An STD I love? I would not want to have any STD's...

No, you don't want to have it, but you secretly think it's fun.

I guessed for awhile, until I finally figured it out. Syphillis. Oh boy! I would tell them I had syphillis, and then I would be tested, and it would come back positive, and it would be proven that I was psychic!

God spoke to me again. You are about to make waves in this community.

What am I going to do? Keel over from drug overdose and have to be sent to the ICU, only to be given more drugs to calm me down, which eventually rots my intestines?

No, you're thinking sick again. They are about to notice you are in crisis.

Are they going to inject me with medication?

They will try, but they won't. You will get away. You need to remember I always care about you.

Are you preparing me for my eternal torment in hell, to be sacrificed as the female Jesus, who goes to hell for all eternity?

No, that's sick talk. You are in for a rough night though. I will not necessarily stand by your side, but I will be thinking about you.

Even God won't endure the torment of hell! It is too much horror and pain!

It's not pain, it's something else entirely. You will have to do it alone though, I am not to be part of it.

There were millions of ideas swarming in my head, all of them bleak. I could not understand why this was happening to me, because I was usually so fun when I was delirious. When I went to the bathroom, for the twenty-seventh time, I looked at myself in the mirror again. When would I become one with the idea that I was not a woman, not a boy, yet a parable? I was living out a story, a bad story, or was it a good story? I did not understand the answer. I needed help with my ideas, they were swarming, I could not both be sacrificed to hell to save people, yet have no one else in the world to be sacrificed to save! What did this mean? What was the truth? This is when God spoke to me, and told me something very important.

You are not the only one who exists, Rachel. We both exist. You and I.

Then why do I have these ideas in my head?

You are going through an existential crisis. It's hard, but you'll make it through. You exist, they exist, I exist. We all exist.

What do I need to understand right now to get me through this?

You do not need to worry. You will make it through without a scratch. Don't worry, I know what will happen ahead of time.

What will happen?

You will live, they will live, everyone lives! Hoorah!

I left the bathroom, and went back to my room. Boy, I needed oxygen. I took off my clothes, for dramatic effect, and to breathe. As I did so, I wondered if it was dangerous to ingest soap. I wondered if I should tell someone. Maybe, I should tell them that I took something that could harm me, but not tell them what it is. I imagined it becoming like an interrogation, trying to get that information out of me. I thought it would be like that movie I saw a preview of, Don't Say A Word, where a girl had a number in her head and they were trying to get her to tell, but she was determined not to.

They were gathering in the hall, the hospital staff. They asked me to come out so they could give me a shot. I was up and wandering restlessly way past my bedtime.

“What? And you think that will help? I am having an existential crisis! What is this? What is this here?” I pointed to one staff member's badge. “A cross! This is a Christian hospital! You call this a Christian hospital? I am very disappointed! And it makes me want to kill you!” I hesitated before yelling the last line, because it was a little bit too much for what I was experiencing... but hey, I yelled it anyway.

They said okay. They were going to take me to another room. They needed to get some stuff cleared. I asked them if they were going to make an exception for me, they said no. I asked if they could, they would, because they implied it wasn't up to them. They said yes, with decisiveness.

They lead me away to another room, not as nice as the first, and told me to put on some clothes.

“Yes, I would appreciate it,” said one of the male staff members.

They gave me clothes and left me in the secluded room. There was a bed table thing in the center, with two doors on opposite ends of the room, which I presumed to be locked. I put on the clothes, and asked my guides, what did that guy mean by that? He would appreciate it? Did he mean that I was unattractive and he didn't think I should walk around naked because of it?”

Yes, but he was also attracted to you a little bit. He's seen a lot of women walk around naked here, and you were in better shape than the good majority.

I lay down on my bed, defeated. I submitted to what was going on. I was screwed, yes, but it would be okay. Now, all I had to do was try to sleep. I was left alone, with my own thoughts, for what would be a long night.