Help Like Jesus: Part 15

I left my room, and met the same guy I had seen before in the hall, who had said I needed to be left alone by the staff member. His name was Jordan. He asked me if I wanted a tarot reading. I said, of course!

He just had a playing deck of cards. He placed them on the table, and started reading. For the past, he drew the three of hearts. “So you have three loves!”

I thought, that is accurate, Brandon, Chance, and Adam. I told him I did.

He drew another card, which he said meant poor communication. “So all these guys are crap. Let's put those guys in the shit pile!”

I enjoyed it very, very much when he said this. Way, way too much.

He read the rest of my fortune, and it wasn't all that accurate, but that was okay.

He told me he was going to be on the Dr. Phil show, to discuss spiritual stuff. I could be on it too, if I wanted to be. I jumped at the opportunity. Then, he told me something else. In five days, the west coast would be flooded all the way to the Cascade mountains! Some sort of unusual plate tectonic activity. We talked a little about astrology, which I didn't believe in, but he did. Then, he did some reiki on me. He moved his hands and his eyes, drawing lines all over my body. When he moved, I could feel the change inside me, like he was doing something. Like it was real.

I went back to my room, and discussed this with my spirit guides. I liked this guy a lot. Was there really going to be some sort of plate tectonic shift that put us underwater?

They dawdled, dodging the subject for a little bit... until they told me this guy was full of shit. He was not lying, per se... he was delusional.

I left my room again, and met him in the hall. “You know, I talked to my guides... that's not going to happen, the water is not going to consume us, we are not going to be underwater. You are delusional.”

“We know these things because we are of the chosen people, the crystal children.”

“It's not real, Jordan, it's not real.”

He looked funny for a second, then said, “Look, I know that... But that's the Capricorn in you talking! The Sagitarious in you would say, 'shit, what do we do?”

I thought this was funny.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I had a belly lump. That's what I hated about eating soap. It made me bloated in a funny, funny way. I hoped against hope that I wasn't gaining weight, but couldn't look at myself in the mirror, because I had tried writing something on it in toothpaste and had ended up spreading it all over the mirror.

I was sitting in my room, and staff brought me a magazine. I thumbed through it. Then I started hearing that song again. “They cut him up and put him up in a da-andy!”

This magazine contains information that would harm you at this point in your spiritual development. Do not read it.

I gave the magazine back to the hospital staff.

I was moved to the psychiatric unit of the hospital. Once there, I received a room in the regular ward. I gave Jordan my name and number. Surely, he was the love of my life. We would meet each other outside of the hospital, get married, have kids, grow old together, etc.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My stomach had gone down. I had some new ideas in my mind that were good. Ideas of removing the guardianship, creating havoc in my parents lives.

I talked to my guides. One of them told me, my name is Melanie. I am one of your guides. You need to drink water more often, less decaf coffee, more salt. Then, she told me something about myself.

She told me about the types of souls people were, people I knew. Crystal was a mean soul. Chris was a harmonizing soul. Orion was a happy soul. Dan was a peace making soul. Melvin was a mean soul. Brandon was a fighting soul.

What type of soul am I?

You are the most exquisite soul in the multiverse.

Where do you get to find out what time the show is? They asked me.

What do you mean?

Your mother is coming, you have to look your part. Bathe! Shower! Make haste! Your mother is about to arrive!

I already knew that she was coming, so this was no big whoop. I showered. In the shower, I channeled some new guides.

“We are the new guides. We can only contact you on certain spiritual planes, like the one you are on now. We know something about yourself that you do not know. You are the one who is going to save the planet from destruction.

We will help you, but you have to make sure to keep up your end of the bargain. From here on out, channel everything you do, everything you eat, every move you make. It is important to follow our advice exactly. When you get done with this shower, you need to eat an apple. It will help your body's metabolism. When you meet with your mother, do not mention anything that is happening here. Tell her you are recovering from your slip up nicely. When you get through with this shower, make haste. You are going to make room for one more woman in your life, your sister. She is a good girl, we know her. She will help you with the guardianship trial. When you are done with this shower, do call her also. She has something important to tell you. When you are done with this shower, you will go to bed, and to sleep. You may not remember this tomorrow.”

I think I will remember.

“It was a joke, we are joking. You will remember, but you will think it is your mind playing tricks on you, like always, we think. However, you will still be in contact with your spirit guides, and they will advise you on every little thing.”

I got out of the shower, dried off, put on clothes. I met my mother. She was concerned, like always. I smiled. Told her it would be okay. I was doing great. She believed me.

The next day, I got up. I walked around the hallway a couple times, as it went in a loop. My mom had brought me a radio headset. I was disappointed, there were no good songs on the radio. “We'll get a song on the radio for you, just wait. Okay, go through the channels. This is the station. Wait for the next song.”

I waited, and the perfect song came on the radio. I paced and jammed.

After awhile, I went back to my room. I watched something outside my window. And then, I channeled some more.

It was the new guides again. They told me they were useful for things involving spirits. They told me to watch the Simpson's, for it was a good television show. They told me I was doing great, I just needed to watch TV more.

I watched the Simpson's already, every since I was in the sixth grade. Very religiously. However, I had not watched them recently. In fact, I hadn't done much of anything fun recently. When I watched TV now, I was easily distracted. When I watched the Simpson's, they were not as funny as they used to be when I was a teenager. When I watched South Park, I enjoyed that a little bit more.

When I stopped talking to the new guides, I was talking to my old guides. They told me I was on a different spiritual plane. I could manifest things using the law of attraction with great vigor.

I stopped talking, and used the power of attraction to manifest very things I wanted, like fame, admiration, and good looks.

When I was through, they told me something else about this spiritual plane. It is good for learning things of a different state of mind, like bringing on wisdom. It is also good for freaking out the people you are around. When you leave, memories of you will seem foreign, far out, and all around weird.

They told me in order to manifest something, I had to fixate, but not get too attached to the outcome. Getting attached means it would not happen.

They told me to look at my love life. Was Jordan the love of my life? They told me that Sarah Palin was in my soul group, too. They said that Jordan was in my soul group as well. If the three of us got together, we would be satisfied with no other social contact but amongst the three of us.

They said that my mom was a wicked soul, mean, cruel, she was going to “split.” When they talked about splitting, they meant one soul splitting into two, and taking on two different specks of consciousness, unlike the original. The first speck, my mother, would float around, unable to do anything. She would just watch me, probably, they said. They warned me not to let her get too attached to me, because by the looks of it, she was going to watch me, and then, for the rest of my time on this plane, she would be watching me and I wouldn't know it, except at times. We knew she was bad, always. That's why they signed her up for the job of being my mother. She is not getting any better. She will most certainly split.

We talked about Dan. He was a good soul. When he was young, he was a good boy at playing wild games with himself. He pretended he was a dark wizard, and was casting spells on people. When he woke up one morning, he has marks on his hands, from working on spells. When I looked at him in the teeth, I could see how small they were, because he cast a spell shrinking his teeth.

When I walked out the door into the common area, I brought back coffee always. They told me, no more coffee. You need fruit. Banana, apple, orange! Bring back one of each and eat them later!

We walked through the halls, and when we got to the place to pick up fruit, I was stopped by a doctor. She wanted to meet with me in a few.

I went back to my room, and they instructed me on the intricacies of cleaning my room. Make the bed, but not so that it looks like you made it. Just so that it looks clean naturely. Clean up your garbage. Now, brush your teeth! I brushed, and brushed, and brushed.

The doctor came, and instead of commending me on my clean room, told me she wanted me on the invega shot. I was so pissed I didn't tell her why I was pissed at her. The last time I was here, she had raised my medication, with the intention of lowering it later. The invega withdrawal had set me off balance. Of course, she didn't believe any of that. She had a haughty totty attitude that said, “Oh, you were just screwing around on your meds.”

I told her no way, no way, no way am I going on the Invega shot. No fucking way.

I watched her leave, and then resumed my channeling. I remembered how I had channeled Tupac before. I asked about him. They said he was here, you could talk to him if you like.

Tupac entered. “Well, well, well. It's you! My spirit friend!”

Tupac!

“You need to work on something for me. Your ideas about women. They are very bleak. You need to work on thinking of women as equals, not lesser creatures. I appreciate a girl in your life. Caitlin. I work with her as well. I also work with a woman in the public arena, someone you like okay but not that much.”

After guessing for a little bit, I figured out who it was. Katy Perry.

“I work with her on her music. And I've been working with you for years! I worked with you in high school, on some of your friendships. Your friendship with Chelsea, and your friendships with Leah and Lily. I've been watching all this. I've been watching you since a little bit after I died. I was hoping you would try channeling me with your picture trick! I didn't think you would, but then I thought, hey, she'll get around to it!”

Then he had to leave. I channeled one of my grandfathers, and then I channeled Marilyn Monroe.

“Now, I have some fashion advice for you. It is important as a woman who is going to be a sex symbol to hide your flaws. Always wear skirts that fall below the knee, and don't wear shorts. And always wear shirts that completely cover your midriff. These are your weaknesses. Your strength is your collarbone. Always wear shirts that show off the collarbone region.”

Then, my spirit guides gave me some fashion advice. “You are going to get your ears pierced. Never wear hoop earrings.”

Why?

“There is a strong association in our culture between hoops and whores. Hoops are for whores. The circle represents the vagina. It's true, it's not a myth.”

They told me that Erik loved cats, so much, he ate cat food one time. He went into a deep slumber. When he awoke from cat nightmares, his mom made him go out and piss in the backyard because his feet were all furry with bits of urine.

They told me another story. One time, Erik was eating cat food, and he began to belch. When he belched, he forgot how to use the alphabet, and belched the cat alphabet by accident.

They told me another story. One time, Kristen was eating rice crackers. She chewed too hard, and her mouth imploded, and she lost eight pounds by belching the rainbow.

When I awoke the next morning, I was happy. I was so happy, I could scream. I was channeling! For real! I was a psychic medium! What if I had my own business, and I channeled for a living? Wouldn't that be grand?

When I got done with breakfast, I drank some more coffee. The new guides came and talked to me about repressed memories. They said I had a repressed memory I should know about. It happened when I was 12. It was so weird in a good way, I repressed it.

I began asking questions, trying to figure out what this repressed memory was. It happened at the beach. I was sitting on a bench. It showed the existence of the paranormal. I was sitting on a bench, when a lady came up and asked me something. She wanted to look at my necklace. It was a particular necklace, something about a red bow and arrow...

I didn't have a necklace like that. I was weirded out to the max by this, and I started to get skeptical. I switched the receiving end of my psychic banter in my mind, and channeled my grandpa. He said, “You better listen! This is for real!”

I was still skeptical, so I channeled Tupac. He said they were pulling my leg.

I went back to the new guides, they said it was a hoax. This wasn't a real memory. I was upset, in a bad way, because I had been hoping to find something of interest and they were joking with me in a mean way. I was done talking to them for the night.

I talked to my guides, and they said this was sort of an initiation. They do something along these lines with everyone they talk to. Usually, it's not a repressed memory, it's something of a frivolous nature they blow out of proportion. My guides said they hate the fact that they do it because it wears away at the trust of the medium/spirit relationship. They said they do this, because you are not supposed to trust them completely, with everything. There should be a degree of skepticism because they are not all-knowing.

I was hit by a sudden bout of the nose picks. I was talking to the new guides again. I asked, “Do I need to pick my nose right now?”

Yes, you do, the new guides told me. If you think you do, you do. That's one thing you have to remember to do yourself. You have to keep consistent about picking your nose.

We were still talking about repressed memories. I found out the new guides actually don't know anything about my own repressed memories, it was just a joke. I went back to talking to my own guides.

They told me there was a repressed memory from the night I met with the guy at college, and ran out naked in my underwear. He did something to me, before I left. Something terrible. Something that had to be repressed because it would bother me way too much.

I wondered, what could this be? I imagined horrible situations, like him keeping jars of semen in he room that he saved, and him making me eat it. Boy, that would gross me out!

No, you're thinking sick. Think more realistic.

I thought, and tried to access the memory. As I did, I got scared, scared, scared, scared. But nothing came up. I didn't know. Until it was revealed. I was raped.

Yes, you were raped! He raped you!

Oh, well, that wasn't that big of a deal. Or was it...?

You have this notion in your mind, that only weak women get raped. It's not true. You were one of them.

It was okay, though. It bothered me, but I didn't really think it was that big of a deal, since it happened so long ago...

I was channeling one night, vigorously, enthusiastically. When someone started telling me something. Something very interesting.

You are going to move in with Chance, and have an intense sexual relationship with him. You will bow down to his every sexual whim, and he will use you, use you, use you, just like Ted did.

Woah, really? I got excited! Yippee! That sounds fun!

But wait a second, I was supposed to move in with Jordan! He is my true love! Him and I are going to get married!

Yes, but he doesn't have a place for you to live... He will be your boyfriend, for awhile, before it gets serious between you and Jordan!

I wondered about this vigorously. Who was I talking to? I asked. Not guides, random mischevious spirits!

I switched over my line of communication. It was Tupac.

Rachel, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking it sounds like fun. It would not be fun. He's an awful guy, Melvin. I despise him. He does not respect women at all. He does respect you, but he won't if you do this with him, Rachel. He will treat you like shit.

But it sounds like it would be fun... I think it would be fun...

No Rachel, it won't be fun. It will be mean. He will ask for it all the time, and I know you, Rachel, you will do it, because you like him, and you need your femininity validated. You need to tell him no, set your boundaries, and only do it when you are in the mood, if this happens, which it might.

It might happen! Oh boy!

Rachel, I know you. You don't have a lot of self-worth, when it comes to your own physical attractiveness. Do not let Melvin tempt you into stuff that makes you feel like shit. It will too! It will too! It will make you feel like shit! You need to eat well, drink less alcohol, and stop worrying about yourself so much. You are very attractive! Guys dig you! You need to stop worrying about whether or not guys find you appealing, and start worrying about things that actually matter in the long run! Like your book! Or the guardianship trial!

Well, I do care more about those things, but I can do both!

You can, but this will make you look bad in the public eye. No one wants a public servant who is a bitch to some guy she likes a little bit but not a whole lot! You don't know this guy! I know him! I watch him all the time! He is nasty, mean, and self-centered! He will take advantage of you lickety split!

You watch him? I know he used to like your music. I wonder what he would think if I told him that Tupac watches him and doesn't like him..

.

Chance idolizes me, Rachel! You can't tell him that! Please, don't do this to yourself. It is easy to understand why you have low self-esteem, not why you want to be violated by some guy you don't even know...

We were done talking. Tupac made some good points, but I didn't know why he wanted me to not have a good time with someone I liked a lot. Still, I would do it, no matter what.