Help Like Jesus: Part 18

I got up and went to the kitchen one morning. I chased away the black cat from the back door. I was informed that feeding a stray black cat was bad luck. My mom insisted upon feeding a stray black cat she named Guido. I was instructed by my spirit guides never to feed Guido.

I went into the kitchen, got out a piece of cheese, and sat down on the couch. I began watching South Park. I came upon a joke that wasn't funny, and I said to myself, in a demeaning way, “Hahaha, very funny you guys!” It was semi lucid.

Why do you say that?

The joke wasn't funny. Aahhh, my brain!

Why do you care that the joke wasn't funny?

I do not, but it bugged my brain. It hurt it.

That's because your brain lacks dopamine. If you had some Adderall, your brain wouldn't hurt when the jokes are funny. The joke used to be funny to you, you've just seen that episode so many times.

Adderall would be wonderful right now!

Well, you go to the doctor's today. Why don't you ask for a prescription?

I just got out of the hospital, he's not going to give me one...

We'll see, you can ask.

Later on, I was getting ready to go to the doctor's. I was ready to go, and my guides suggested I clean up my room. Upon taking a paper bag down to the recycling, before putting it in I checked to see if anything was in it. There was a quarter.

Check the year.

I looked. 2008.

What happened that year?

It was the year I started working on my book.

Yep. Why don't you put the quarter in the pouch around your neck?

Around my neck, I had a pouch with a large gemstone, for aura boosting powers. I put the quarter in the pouch. Immediately after I did so, I felt my aura change dramatically. It felt more powerful.

I went to the doctor with my mom. I was nervous. I really wanted the Adderall. I went in, sat down, and discussed it openly with the doctor. He asked if he should talk to my mom about how I am doing. I said, no, don't do that. And he didn't. We talked for awhile, and he did not give me an Adderall prescription. Instead, he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic for acne and schizophrenia symptoms. I checked with my guides and they said this was okay. He was pleased. He knew I talked to my guides. Then, it was time to go and it was taking awhile. My guides said, give him a pat on the back! I patted him on the back with my mental hands. When I did so, he opened his eyes widely and hurried me out of there.

When I got back, I talked to my parents about frivolous stuff. As I did so, there was a funny feeling, that started subconscious, and moved to conscious. It was so gradual I didn't even notice it. It was a feeling of bad energy.

My guides finally spoke to me. We've been trying to get through to you for awhile. Take off your gem. Take off the cross necklace too. We will tell you what to do then.

I took them both off, and immediately felt relief.

Okay, take the gem out of the bag. Put the quarter some place for safe keeping. This is going to be a very valuable quarter someday. Okay, put both the gem and the cross necklace out in the yard, These need to be smudged with incense. Okay, now, you need to sage your aura. It contains the devil.

What?!

Yes. We will explain later.

I saged my aura, using their procedure. Front and back, heart chakra. I felt the devil leave.

Leave a window open, he is still in the house! He needs time to leave!

Okay, now take a shower. You need to get the bad energy out of your body. Follow our procedure for washing. Use this soap right here, it is best for what we are about to do.

I got in the shower.

Okay, white wash cloths are essential. Now, rub counterclockwise on your heart. Then, clockwise on the back of your heart. Same washcloth, rub your crown clockwise, then counterclockwise, then clockwise. Now, wash your hair with this shampoo right here.

Okay, you are done with this washcloth. Throw it in the trash. Now, wash your legs with a fresh white washcloth. Rub the bad energy out.

I felt bad energy all over my body. As I followed their procedure, I felt it leave.

Okay, you are done. Now, time to sage the house!

Why did I have to do that? What was the quarter thing about?

What else happened in 2008? Do you remember?

I gave up my delusions. I attempted suicide twice. At one point, I was Christian.

Yes. Forget the suicide atttempts. 2008 is the year you became Jesus, by giving up thinking that you were Jesus.

Oh.

So now, you already had Jesus in your aura. It's been there since birth. We put Jesus even stronger in your aura, a combination of this particular stone, and the 2008 quarter. You had to sage the devil out of your aura, because Jesus attracts the devil. That's why crucifixes don't work for exorcisms, for using them to drive out demons. They don't repel demons.

What we did here was black magic. This particular stone, this quarter, your aura, is black magic. We were testing something. Your soul thought that the universe had a soul, and would forgive black magic if used for a higher purpose. No one knew. There were reasons to believe it did, but people did not know. It does have a soul. It forgave you for using black magic. Now, you just have to do some clean up. You need to buy incense. There is a store downtown you can go to, we will instruct you what to do with the necklace and gem. Do not use that shower again, until we incense it. It needs to be smudged. It does not have the devil in it, but it contains an imprint of the devil.

I remembered what if felt like, having the devil in me. It was very scary. Dark, dark thoughts kept creeping up into my subconscious. Kill people. Work at Wendy's. Cut yourself. Watch horror movies. Listen to death metal. These thoughts did not make it to the surface, but they swirled around in my subconscious, until I got the devil out. One time, it told me to read Edgar Allen Poe.

We were done with the devil for now, until I could get him out of the bathroom and out of my stuff. We went to the store and bought a frappuccino, and I came back home. When I got home, I was tired. I wanted to sleep. Then my spirit guides told me a tale, a tale of me and my mother. She loved cats. One day, she opened the fridge, and it was overrun by mice. The cats attacked her, and ate the mice, and lived happily ever after by eating the rest of her flesh.

They told me another story. One day, I was walking down the street. I ran into my ex-boyfriend Walt Whitman. He loved to speak in tongues. We spoke in tongues together, until our tongues became intertwined, and formed the Russian language.

They told me another story. One day, I was walking down the street. I ran into Chance. He looked at me, ran away, and cried because he was no longer my boyfriend. Adam was.

I had to incense the clothes I was wearing the day the devil entered my body. I put them in an incense pile. I had a sage pile too, which I promptly saged. When I was done, I had to wash the clothing, following the spirit guide's procedure for washing clothes. Low heat, lots of soap, no dryer sheets.

When we were done with the clothing, we belched the rainbow.

We were ready for the big thing in my life. The drugs. My guides wanted to know something. When are you going to quit taking Adderall? It's a horrible nuisance. You hate it. It makes you have dark spots in the brain that make you embarrassed all the time. If you weren't on it, people would respect you more. You should go off it.

But I don't want to! I like it! I said.

I know you think you like it, but if we rebalanced your energy, you would be good as new! We also need you to make a subconscious decision not to take it anymore. You are semiconscious right now, Rachel. Make a decision that you don't want to be on it anymore.

I thought about it for a little while, then decided, they were right. Maybe, if they rebalanced my energy, I would feel almost as good as I did on Adderall, off Adderall! I used to feel fine without Adderall. What happened to that? We needed to work out a plan of action. They decided I said yes, so they were going to start. They knew my mind. They had convinced me.

I laid down, and they did something to my body. Immediately, my body started pumping out excess adrenaline. My body was in turmoil, all this adrenaline! I wasn't on edge, just a little bit ill at ease.

As the days past, I felt not my best. I felt my energy reduced to a nub. The feeling I associate with myself, and my body, and me, was stripped down so that I was just a little itty bitty nub! Then, I felt some funny weird sensations in my abdomen, like the medication was leaving my insides. When I went to the bathroom, I felt funny in the mind because I had to go so often! So one time, I was going, and semilucidly I thought, “The Urinator!” Like a superhero, which I apparently was after all that spirit attention at the hospital. Because I had to go to pee so often it was just ridiculous. I thought it was dumb, at first, but then I realized it was funnier than it was dumb, and I shared it with my spirit guides. They thought that was funny. It became a running joke between us.

I had to eat a lot of very specific foods. Nothing weird. Just plenty of water, milk, and juice. When I went to the grocery, we had to make a list. So, I would go in the other room and channel a grocery list. My mom didn't care.

When I got up in the morning, I felt like crap. There was a ton of negativity around me. Chance called out to me on the spiritual plane and told me to lighten up. Other people did too. That's what kept happening. I tried to explain to them, I am going through energy rebalancing! But they didn't know what that was.

After weeks of the pumping adrenaline, and the nubby energy, I started to feel better. I got up and went for a walk. My guides told me what music to listen to.

When I was walking, I found a dollar. I looked at the date. “Don't look at that date, it's not a good date.” I looked. 1999. Horrible year for everyone.

When I went to Mac's Deli to buy an energy drink, I would get change. “Okay, don't look at that one, don't look at that one, look at that one. That was a good year.” I looked. 2006. The year I became delusional.

They would do this all the time, and each time they picked a coin for me, it was an important year. I took this as something like evidence that they were really real. I did not have evidence. I took it on faith, which was tricky, but not too tricky.

We went back to do some more energy work. When I got to the house, I went up to my room and lay down.

Okay, we are going to do some work on your dad. Here is the cord for him that makes him like sugar. Cut it.

I did so.

Okay, here is the cord that makes him like to worry. A worry cord. Cut it.

Okay, your sister. Cut her sugar cord. She has a sugar problem.

One more thing. For yourself. Do the sugar cord right here. And the worry cord right here.

I did so, and we were done.

We need to talk to you about something important. Energy work is not easy-peasy, nanny-panny, wishy-washy, happy go lucky fun. It can go wrong. This energy work could backfire. We will look for signs and tell you if it backfired.

In my mind, I imagined a mutant world, where people acted strange, looked strange, and did strange outlandish weirdo things. Botched energy work world.

My sister came over for dinner that night. We had steak. My dad made a funny joke, that struck me as odd. He joked that we could cover the steak with whipped cream. Later on that night, he made another odd whipped cream joke that was weird, and he goofed around about whipped cream all night long.

Rachel. Go outside for a sec, my spirit guides told me.

Oh shit! Botched the energy work!

I ran outside, sat down on the curb.

Okay, no big whoop. We happened to cut the sugar cord at a time when your father was thinking about something sweet, and it built back the energy cord even stronger. If we don't cut the cord now, he will gain massive amounts of weight.

We tried to cut the cord again. It was hard work. I cut it, but couldn't let go of the cord.

Run! Run! My guides told me.

I ran, ran, ran.... I was worried the humungous sugar cord would come back and attach to me. I ran back into the house and slammed the door behind me. No one noticed that I was out of breath.

Later on... Time for more energy work!

Let's create a love cord to your cat!

Okay, here's your cat, here's a cord, now... One!

“One!” I created the cord.

Later on, I was downstairs. “Mae! Mae! Sweetheart! Mae! Don't act that way towards me, pussy cat! Why do you run? Why do you hide? Why do you turn the other cheek? Mae!” I spoke automatically, without consciously thinking of what I was saying. “Mae! We are friends, Mae. We love each other. You and me go way back... When we are together, the clouds part, and God's love shines down. Mae? We're lovers, Mae! We're lovers!”

Oh shit! Botched the energy work!

Okay, you added a sexual relations cord to your cat. We can remove that right here. Okay, let's add another friend cord right here to your cat.

Here's your cat, here's the cord... Now... Fffffriends!

Later on, I came home and saw my cat by her food bowl. I gave her a little kick.

“Hey, playmate! How goes it? Had any adventures while I was gone?” I chuckled softly. “I like you, yeah, I like you, not as well as some of my distant friends, but hey, buddy ole pal... I like you.”

Okay, you added a “mean friends” cord to your cat. Do you want to remove it?

That's okay, I think a mean friends cord is okay.

Yeah, we didn't think it was a problem either. We know you love your cat, why don't you add a happy friends cord to your cat?

Okay, here's your cat, here's the cord... Now, sssweet!

I was a bit too loving to my cat after that, and I always needed her by my side. It was a child cord to my cat. We removed it later, and decided not to mess around with anymore cords to my cat.