Help Like Jesus: Part 27

I was sitting on my bed when the spirit of bacon called out to me.

Hi I'm bacon.

What are you telling me?

I like you because you like bacon, but don't eat bacon. I like people who like me and don't eat me. No one should eat me.

Why is that?

I'm really bad for the heart.

How do you feel about that?

I hate myself.

Another spirit called out to me. The spirit of Waterworld.

I used to like you, but not anymore. I hate it how you always focus on my tragedy. It was a dark spot in my history. But you are okay, I didn't want to be a water park anyway. I wanted to be a dry cleaner.

What are we going to do now? Talk about dreams?

I had a dream a little while before 9/11 about being on an airplane that was about to crash. Was it psychic?

It was, but about an incident on another plane. You were not there someone you knew from a past life was.

I wondered about the incident, wondered about the dream, and wondered what it would be like to be on a plane that was going to crash, and be sad and scared, because I was about to die.

Hello. This is the spirit of the incident you are thinking of. Do not think of me in a happy way, please. I am not a happy incident. This is a sad incident that should not be remembered at all. Please, think of me as the dark incident that I am. I am a dark incident.

I got a horrible, horrible feeling and tried to make the incident go away. It was the energy of the incident.

Geez, what a life. This is getting goofy. Gooofy.

Chapter

We went to Bridgeport, an upscale shopping center near my house. We had sushi for lunch. Afterwards, I got a Red Bull from Barnes and Noble and sat down in the spiritual book section.

Now we don't want you to be tempted, my guides said. Into the dark arts. There is some dark, fowl magic out there. It would be easy for you to learn. That kind of stuff has far-reaching consequences. Let's look for a book.

We searched for a particular book for awhile, found a few, with no intention of buying any of them. I took one last swig of my Red Bull, and some foreign object entered my mouth. I took it out, and it was a yucky, yucky bug. Ewww! I said. Ewww! I said. And cried a little.

Well, at least this would make a good facebook status, I thought. I went into the other section and made it my facebook status.

I threw out the can and left, still disgusted. There was a problem as I walked. The spirit of the bug had entered my body. I had to do something about this. My spiritual defenses had become weakened when I was grossed out by the bug in my mouth.

The bug spoke to me. “I didn't like that situation either. Do you want to be friends?”

Not really, no. I said to the bug.

We don't need to be, I thought it would be a good idea for both of us.

I was a bit ambivalent though, because I never shy away from having new friends. I didn't think this bug thing was a good thing.

We walked over to a bench and sat down. The bug kept talking to me. It told me a story about living on the planet dirt. When it finished, it expected a laugh. It was bug humor, not human humor.

He started sending me creepy energy. It was supposed to be love. It felt like bad energy that needed sweeping under the rug. I had to do a spell to get rid of it. I did quite a few. A lady was staring at me funny as I was saying a bunch of random words under my breath, so I got up and left. I walked away, and my guides told me, do you want this bug out of your body? YES! I said back. Then mean it! Tell it to get lost!

“I don't want you here, you're not welcome, get out!” I told the bug sternly.

It proceeded to leave. Do another spell, my guides told me.

I did another spell.

There. Now it's gone.

Later that night, I was sitting watching TV when the spirit of the bug came to talk to me again. It said, “I wish you'd understand that I like you, so don't pretend I hate you ever.”

I told it about the creepy bug “love,” which was the energy it tried to send me. They said you need to help the bug cross over! It needs help! It's bug guides didn't return to help yet! They might not, and it will bug you for a long time!

Okay, how do you help a bug cross over?

Same way as a human soul, only instead of “look up,” you say “look down.” They go to a different place.

Look down! Go into the light! I instructed the bug.

That's not my friend talking, that's a helper! And it went down to the other side for bugs.

Later, the bug came to me in spirit. It told me it liked my style. Help from a bug would be appreciated by you, I can help you understand the ways of the smallest creatures. Then, it started sending guiding energy.

You don't want energy from bugs ever, said my spirit guides. It's creepy as all hell.

Bahh!! Creepy energy!

Tell it to fuck off, said my guides.

I don't want to be mean!

It's just a dumb bug, you can be mean! It's harming you!

I'm sorry but your bug energy is mean to me, stop sending it! I don't want to be your friend!

It continues to send guiding energy, until I told it I hated bugs and they made me sick.

But you made a bug game! You love bugs!

That was something you didn't grasp. I hate bugs.

But you made a bug game!

I didn't mean it that way!

He left, and was gone.

We went to the mall to buy a bracelet. As I walked, the spirits instructed me that this was a good luck bracelet. Not luck as in good fortune, luck as in their ability to see me. They were not having trouble, but it would be easier with a good luck bracelet. We went to JC Penney, and found the bracelet they were looking for. It was a clover bracelet. I purchased it.

As we walked, they told me another story. There was a girl named Rachel. She lived with her parents. She understood spirit talk. When she woke up one morning, she could converse with the spirits like anyone who was psychic, When she woke up the next morning, she was even more psychic, and could converse with lots and lots of dead people. When she woke up the third morning, her parents took away her bracelet, and then she couldn't converse with the spirits anymore.

I didn't like that story, I told them. They said it was a good spirit humor story. A good spirit humor story.

It was not, they were joking. They did that.

Another thing they told me was that they were good friends with Elvis Presley. He lived in a bungalow in the ocean, and loved sea people. When he woke up one morning, he was all alone, and the sea people were gone!

No! Not that! Why are you telling me these horror stories?

Do not lose this bracelet, it makes it easier for us to see you.

Chapter

When are we going to go to the mall again? I asked my guides.

Not today, we are going to do some walking in heels again. It is time to let the heel luck gods do magic on your feet, take off your shoes. When we were done, it was time to go on the computer again and write a facebook status. As I was sitting on my bed, my big toe was curled under my foot. In the distance, I heard “bad heel luck! Bad heel luck!” My toe curled under was bad heel luck, and the Heel Luck Gods were warning me. I uncurled my big toe.

We decided to go to the mall again. As we walked, my guides informed me that I was not going to be without my party-hardy attitudes for too long. Before long, Melvin and I would get together, and drink alcohol and be merry. When this happened, they would not let me go out in public and breathe oxygen, because on this plane, increased oxygen consumption is necessary. We walked to the food court to get an energy drink. When a girl looked me up and down, I smiled and said hello. I went to Spencer's to look at the clothes. When I saw t-shirts with Tupac's face, I was reminded of how much I loved Tupac and wanted to talk to him.

When I got home, I asked about Tupac. They said he was here right now. He wanted me to look at my music, he had a few things to say. First, he liked the song Soldier by Eminem. But he didn't like the song Purple Pills. He had me look up the lyrics to see why. He hated the line, “stuff my nose with coke,” and the line, “I pop four E's at one time.”

“Only dumbfucks pop four E's at one time.”

He had a song for me to listen to, by him. The song Trading War Stories. I looked it up and remembered it. When Ted had lived at our house, he had listened to Tupac all the time. This was my favorite Tupac song! I downloaded it right away and started listening to it.

But when I listened to it, there was a problem. It was heavily edited and blipped. It sounded wretched. It interfered with the happiness of listening to the song. I told Tupac this. He said, “I think it's fine.” Later, my guides told me he was actually pissed.